Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

KID CAPRI: Straight outta New York City,

it's the Russell Simmons' Def Comedy All-Star Jam!

Please welcome to the stage,

Ricky Harris!

I'm from the old school. I ain't gonna be doin' all that flippin' and shit.

I'm like, I be tryin' not to sweat.

I be tryin' to be cool and shit. Yeah.

[CHUCKLES]

How y'all doin'? Y'all a'ight?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

A'ight?

AUDIENCE: A'ight!

See, that's some New York shit.

And white people get scared when you do that shit.

I like to do that shit with just a whole bunch of brothas and sistas.

Be like, "A'ight."

White people be like, "Oh shit.

"There they go. First the Million Man March, now, 'All right.'"

I'd like to say hi, Becky!

Sittin' over there lookin' like the Doublemint twins.

Here's some shit for y'all. Here's a dance for y'all.

I love New York man, that's real.

I like comin' out here 'cause you can get shit on the streets for free.

Damn near.

I bought a Rolex for $30

I talked that motherfucker down, boy.

This motherfucker came, "Bruh, bruh...

"I got this Rolex for you for $17,000

"I give it to you for 45."

I said, "I give yo' ass 30." "You got a deal, man."

I love coming out here.

It be colder than a motherfucker, though.

I was kinda, like, disappointed, though. You know...

Recently, 'cause of O.J.

That whole shit just got me like...

I'm still kinda frustrated about the whole thing.

I'm glad he got off, you know, don't get me wrong.

The brotha, you know, black man.

But I wanted him to be at the Million Man March!

Say some shit, you know.

I wanted him to be up there,

"Thank... Thank y'all."

'Cause you know, black people, we were ready to tear up some shit.

"Hey, let O.J. don't get off."

"I bet after I eat this motherfuckin' rib,

"if he don't get off, that's gonna be somebody ass."

[HARRIS LAUGHING]

What got him off though, is that Johnny Cochran.

That's a bad motherfucker.

That's who I want defending me if I ever have to fuck somebody up.

I want Johnny Cochran in my corner.

He was like a magician.

That motherfucker said, "I'm... I'm gonna put on this hat."

"Now, who am I when I put this hat on?"

"I'm Johnny Cochran with a hat on.

"Nothin' up my sleeves."

He was funny, man.

Shit, O.J. was lookin' like,

"Shit, I told you I didn't do that shit. Go on, Johnny!"

Johnny started sayin' them little words,

"Beware of devils of deception."

"If it don't fit you must... Acquit."

They weren't ready for that shit.

I just think the whole judicial system needs to be changed

any damn way. They need to do somethin'.

It's fucked up.

We know that. You know what I'm sayin'.

Now they... "Really, it's fucked up?"

It's been fucked up for hundreds and hundreds of years.

It's been fucked up.

You know, any time, you know, when my man was out here.

He was a brotha. He shot nineteen white people.

He forgot.

Remember Colin Ferguson ass?

Motherfucker shot all of them motherfuckers,

then he tried to defend himself.

Now, you know the system is fucked up

if they let a motherfucker defend himself.

When five hundred motherfuckers say it was him.

He got up there tryin'... "Hold on, hold on."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Wait, wait, wait...

"Okay,

"when you got shot in yo' back,

"what did you do?"

"Motherfucker, I fell and watched you shoot somebody else."

"Objection!

"Nah, nah, I can't get no fair trial here.

"I'm objectin' to that shit right there, that's bullshit."

"'Cause, how'd you know you got shot in the back

"when you got shot in the back?

"You don't got eyes in the back of your head, do you?

"Now, that's what I'm talkin' about!"

Uh, funny though, was when he wanted to hold the gun.

They brought the gun in there.

This motherfucker said, "Well, let me hold the gun.

"No, no, let me hold the motherfuckin' gun!"

"Hell no, nigga, we know you got some clips

"in that motherfucker... In your pocket somewhere."

I was like... "What the hell is goin' on?"

The whole judicial system is fucked up.

You know, they need to rearrange that shit.

Motherfuckers goin' to jail for traffic tickets.

In jail for four years.

"What you in here for, dog?" "Man, ran that stop sign.

"Motherfucker just got me in here for four motherfuckin' years."

And, you know, I hate people that are in jail.

You know, 'cause they call yo' ass collect.

Motherfucker call you collect,

and be askin' you stupid shit like,

"So, uh... What's been happenin'?"

"Same old shit, the world is just turning."

"So you goin' out tonight?"

"Motherfucker, why? You can't go!

"I mean, you done forgot where the fuck you at?"

I was mad as a motherfucker, man.

But I've been havin' much fun.

Y'all lookin' good than a motherfucker. I ain't lyin'.

The Def Jam crowd is in this motherfucker, you know what I'm saying?

What is wrong with these motherfuckin' rappers now?

Everybody is just, "You motherfucker!"

Like, what the hell?

I think rappers just need to come real with their shit.

They don't be havin' like, realistic lyrics.

Some of 'em. They need to put on they album,

"This is just entertainment."

You know, 'cause some of them be havin' them lyrics, you know,

they be talkin' about, "Yeah, I was rollin' down the street.

"I said, 'Fuck it,' I saw this bitch, bam, I shot that ho.

"And I dipped over there, bam, shot that motherfucker.

"Dipped over there, bam, bam, bam, shot three more motherfuckas'.

"I won't give a fuck.

[MACHINE GUN SOUNDS] "Shot a whole gang of niggas,

"'Cause I wouldn't give a fuck,

"then I dipped back to the crib."

And that's right where the police gonna come get yo' ass at.

Right at the crib, motherfucker.

Make this shit real, reality.

And at the end of all the songs, "Keep it real!"

Motherfucker, that was real?

Motherfucker think, "I'm tryin' to make some motherfuckin' money."

But we ready to do this shit.

Y'all ready to do this shit? I'm pumped up.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

If y'all ready to do this, let me hear you say, "Yeah!"

AUDIENCE: Yeah!All right, dig.

Comin' from Toledo, Ohio,

y'all put your hands together

for the comedy styles of Mr. Darrell Banks, y'all.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

New York, New York!

Black women out here actin' the fool,

just playin' games on brothas. Playin' games.

Brothas you know the kind of sistas I'm talkin' about.

These are the same sistas you see sittin' in the club,

drinkin' a bottle of water.

And soon as yo' black ass come along,

they become top shelf hos.

"I want some Martel.

"I want some Courvoisier or somethin'."

I was in the club two weeks ago, lookin' halfway decent.

Couldn't do a damn thing with my hair.

Saw this fine sista, "Yo baby, let me get your phone number."

"Uh-uh, you got to buy me a couple of Martels or something."

So I got the number. Called her on the phone the next day,

her line busy as hell.

I called her for the next three days.

Line still busy as hell.

Come to find out she done gave me

my own motherfuckin' phone number.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]Playin' games!

Just playin'! Perpetratin'!

Perpetratin'!

And white people. They actin' fools.

They actin' a goddamn fool.

I'm driving down the street two weeks ago

and the motherfuckin' police gonna stop me.

And you know how it is when a nigga got a warrant on him.

You get scared, you gotta change your name and shit.

Change your social security card. All that shit.

Police gonna stop me, talkin' about, "What's yo' name?"

I said, "George Washington."

He said, "Show me two pieces of ID."

I gave him a dollar and a quarter.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

You goddamn right!

Fucked me the fuck up, man!

Fucked me up.

It's just crazier than a motherfucker out here now, man.

And I got kids, man.

I got four beautiful kids.

And I'm glad to know that I'm my kids' role model.

I'm my kids' idol. Not Michael Jordan,

not Shaquille O'Neal, but me. That's right.

My oldest son and two of his buddies

was outside the other day, braggin' their asses off.

Braggin' about their daddies.

I didn't know kids still bragged about their daddies.

First little boy said, "My daddy can ride

"a bicycle up a hill with no hands."

Second little boy said, "That ain't shit!

"My daddy can ride a bicycle backwards up a hill with no hands."

And then my son spoke, and it made me feel good.

Just, ooh. He said, "My daddy can eat a light bulb."

They said, "What?" He said, "My daddy can eat a light bulb."

Said, "Yo' daddy can't eat no damn light bulb."

"Yes he can, I heard him tell mama to cut out the light,

"and he'll eat it."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]Goddamn right.

You damn right.

That's right.

Just crazy shit goin' on.

Just wild and crazier than a motherfucker.

And black women.

Let me tell y'all something, how y'all doin', black women?

How y'all doing?[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

Y'all lookin' gooder than a motherfucker up in this bitch tonight.

Hey girl, how you doin'?

Lookin' all good and shit.

Black women, just quit buyin' titties!

Quit buying 'em.

Let the white girls buy that shit.

Leave them titties alone!

Two weeks ago I was in Miami, Florida.

I saw two sistas. One sista had real big titties.

Look like watermelons.

Her girlfriend had real little bitty titties.

Look like lemons.

She said, "Girl, how you get yo' titties so big?"

She said, "I went to go see Dr. Johnson.

"Dr. Johnson hooked me up."

So she went to go see Dr. Johnson.

Dr. Johnson said, "All you got to do is say,

"Mary had a little lamb. Its fleece was white as snow.

"And everywhere that Mary went.

"The lamb was sure to go."

And sure enough, she noticed a change.

After two weeks, her titties went from lemons to grapefruits.

But she wasn't satisfied. She wanted watermelons.

So she was on the bus one day lookin' around.

She said, "Damn, I can get some time in."

She said, "Mary had a little lamb.

"Its fleece was white as snow.

"And everywhere that Mary went,

"the lamb was sure to go."

And a guy stood up and said,

"You go to Dr. Johnson, don't ya?"

She said, "How you know?"

He said, "Hickory, dickory, dock."

Peace, my name is Darrell.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

[LAUGHS]

Hold on, I know we rollin', but hold on. Shit.

That nigga said, "Hickory, dickory..."

There's gonna be a whole lot a motherfuckers,

"Hickory, dickory, dock. Hickory...

"Hickory dick... How this shit go, man?

"How this shit go? Hickory dick... What? What is it?"

Hey, yo, before I continue too,

let's give it up for my nigga, Kid Capri.

You know what I'm sayin'?

My mistake, Kid. You know. You know.

You know I love you, nigga.

HARRIS: You know. You know I love you.

Kid, you know I love you, man!

That motherfucker is the only motherfucker I know

that just be like in love with records.

"Man, I love these records."

That motherfucker, "I got all of 'em. Look."

Motherfucker, wake up!

[IMITATING DISK SKIP] "Get up, y'all."

Motherfucker is original.

He like the original motherfucker.

He like... This nigga...

This nigga is what hip-hop is all about. That nigga, right there.

I mean it's a lotta niggas like that.

But this nigga lives and eats hip-hop.

A'ight, dig this.

Comin' from New York, y'all. New York, New York.

Y'all put your hands together right now

for the Most Brothers.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

All right, how y'all doin'?

Wassup, wassup, wassup?

All right, New York in the house.

You know the deal, they in the house.

Yeah, man from lookin' around,

we got some good lookin' people out here.

Aw, shucks nigga.We even got some white girls in the house.

Oh, Becky and the girls, yeah. Yeah baby.

MOST BROTHER 1: I'm lookin' at this one over here.

She... She blacker than me. I'm jealous.

MOST BROTHER 2: Oh, look at the tan on her, damn!

MOST BROTHER 1: Can I ask you a question?

MOST BROTHER 2: Go ahead and ask. Go ahead, man.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.Yeah, yeah,

do you have any black in you?Ooh!

BOTH: No shit, you want some?

MOST BROTHER 1: Fair enough.

MOST BROTHER 2: Yeah.

Crazy the things goin' on, crazy...

Yo, look, look who's here.

Wassup, wassup?Yo, wassup man?

What's your name man?

BOTH: Who?

MOST BROTHER 1: Pat? Pat?[WHISPERING]

[BOTH FAKE WHISPERING]

Yo, yo, yo, Pat. You remember us?

MOST BROTHER 1: You remember us, man?

MOST BROTHER 2: You don't remember us?You lyin', man.

Hold on...[CLEARS THROAT]

You remember us now, honey?

I know he's in the closet.

Pat's in the closet.Yeah, honey.

Well, how could you tell?

'Cause I can smell the mothballs from here, honey.

Ooh! Shit.

Excuse me, Pat?Patty.

Are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing?

Those ain't Bugle Boys. Those are Guess jeans.

Well, guess who gettin' that ass tonight, honey?

Ooh shit!Yeah, honey.

Yeah...Yeah.

Yeah, we just bullshittin' y'all.

Don't even take that shit seriously.

Yeah, don't even think about that shit. Hell no.

That is bullshit!Shit.

Yeah, man.

But a lot of wild things happen.

Ladies and gentlemen, my friend, your friend, everybody's friend.

Mr. Red Foxx, give him a hand, Redd Foxx.

Well, thank you.

[IMITATING RED FOXX] It's now... It's now twelve midnight.

Did you wash yo' ass today?

Redd Foxx. Right now I'd like to bring to the stage

the funniest man in the world that gets no respect.

The one and only black Rodney Dangerfield.

Rodney Dangerfield. Give him a hand y'all. Rodney!

MOST BROTHER 2: Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo.

Yo, dude what's up, man?

What the fuck you doin' bringin' out Rodney and shit, man?

Look, look just do the shit.Tell me...

Where you goin', man?I'm goin' to the bathroom.

I gotta piss worse than a dead man need a box.

Do some fuckin' time.

Yo, yo, you got me lookin' like a dick up here. You know that, right?

That's that fuckin' hat you got on.

No, no, no. In order for me to do Rodney and sound just like him,

I gotta know that everybody's with me

so I can kick this off just right,

so, is everybody with me if I do this right?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!MOST BROTHER 1: Yo man...

All right, let me get my neck working first.

Yo, yo what you waitin' on, man?

I gotta set this up. Just chill out, all right?Takin' all damn day.

We got seven minutes. Hurry the fuck up, man.

Just cool out man. You just mad

'cause you didn't get no laughs. Cool out, all right?

I got this. I got this.I tell you what.

Why don't you just take off that hat,

let us see the forehead and we could show some slides on that shit.

Nigga, what's up with you? Why you comin' off like that on me, man?

I'm just lettin' you know you ain't got a forehead,

you got a five-head, motherfucker. Now, hurry up.

Oh, oh, oh, it's like that now, huh?

Yeah, it's like that.It's like that.

You takin' all damn day.Well, why don't you shave

that mustache so we can see them stretch marks around your lips?

[AUDIENCE GASPS]

MOST BROTHER 2: Fuckin' around, man. I'm tryin' to do the show here, man.

Hold on, hold on.This is Def Jam, man.

I got stretch marks around my lips?Yeah, bitch.

That's because none of your girls' titty was that big.

Oh yeah? Oh yeah? Well, I made love to two women last night.

Your mother and your father.

[AUDIENCE GASPS]

[MOCK LAUGHTER]Oh, yeah?

Yeah.Well, I heard...

You heard?I heard that your father's on a seafood diet.

My father?That's right,

'cause your mama got crabs on the menu.

[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS]

You'll never be the man your mama was.What?

What? What?

What you talking about man? What, what?

Yeah, that's all right. That's all right,

'cause you'll always be the fag that your father was.

I'll tell you...We the Most Brothers.

Peace.God Bless y'all. Peace. Y'all take care.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

A'ight. Give it up one more time y'all,

for the Most Brothers.

All right, dig this. Comin' from L.A.

is one of the funniest Latin brothas I have ever seen.

This cat is hilarious.

Y'all put y'all hands together

for the comedy styles of Mr. Carlos, come on, Mencia.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

Wassup, Def Jam?

Wait a minute, show me some love, Def Jam!

Hell yeah.

That's right.

I'd have been here sooner but that walk from Mexico's a bitch.

Nah, it's fucked... It's fucked up being me, see,

'cause I ain't really Mexican, you know, I was born in Honduras, you know,

but I grew up in Los Angeles where everybody's like,

"Oh, whatever, whatever, you Mexican."

You know, I could say anything,

"Where you from, man?"

I could say Puerto Rico, Cuba, anything.

"Fuck man, fuckin' you're Mexican, dude." You know.

"Fuckin' A."

But it's... I wish I was black sometimes

'cause you guys are just black,

wherever the fuck you go in America.

You know what I'm sayin', brother man?

You're black. You're just black,

no matter what, you're black. Shit.

You know, you go to Miami? You're black.

I go to Miami? I'm fuckin' Cuban.

See that shit?

You know what I'm sayin'? Here, you're black.

Here, what am I?

AUDIENCE: Puerto Rican.

You see how everybody said that?

Fuck you motherfuckers that said that shit.

A'ight, suck a dick. Fuck you.

Punk ass motherfuckers.

"Puerto Rican."

All quick and shit.

Take your time next time, man.

Like... Like it's Jeopardy. "I got it! I got it!"

No, this shit. We're all the same.

I don't give a fuck. I ain't black and I'll say it,

but you know what? In America, I've traveled, shit, and I know.

I am a nigga. I know that shit.

Look at? See? You guys are laughin'.

The white people at home are goin', "Goddamn it, he knows."

Yeah, I fuckin' know.

I ain't stupid.

You know what I'm sayin', brotha?

If you two and me are in a car,

we get pulled over anywhere in fuckin' America,

that cop comes out on the loud speaker and says,

"Niggers, get out of the car."

He's expecting three motherfuckers to get outta the car. A'ight?

And I ain't gonna be in the car chillin' goin',

"Homes, you heard him fucker, get out.

"You heard that motherfucker.

"You better get out.

"Oh, shit. He's coming. Get the fuck out!"

I be like, "I'll help you, motherfucker, get out."

Be in the car all happy, "Niggers, get out."

Cops gonna be like, "You too."

"Ow! What the fuck, dick?

"You didn't say, 'Spic, get out.'

"Did I hear that shit?

"Motherfucker, I speak Spanish."

"Well then, you're a bilingual nigger.

"Now get the fuck outta that car.

"You stupid ass. Get the fuck out.

"On the hood."

You know what I mean? Rodney King. I know that's cool shit,

but there been a whole bunch of fuckin' Julio King beatings.

Oh, you don't know about them 'cause we get our ass beat in like East L.A.

in Spanish Harlem, where people don't have video cameras.

That's why you don't know about our shit.

There's some motherfucker right now getting beat.

[MUFFLED] "Somebody tape this!"

Got no fuckin' video tapes.

We got drawings of Julio getting his ass beat.

Fuckin' video tape.

Some lady in court going, "Ay, look what they did to Julio.

[WHINING] "Mira!

"They're hitting him!"

And she has to fan the book in order for the action to take place,

cause everybody's trying to separate.

Fuck that shit. Don't separate.

Don't make issues outta this, this whole fuckin' O.J. shit.

I can't believe that people are saying that that's a black issue.

Ain't no... That motherfucker had money. That's it.

Period. He afforded the best team of defense lawyers ever.

Fuckin' period.

You know what I'm sayin'?

If that was you,

could you afford Cochran?

Could you afford Shapiro?

You'd have some fucked up public defender

that can't even speak fuckin' English and shit.

Comin' out talkin' about,

[IN EAST INDIAN ACCENT] "Hey, my client did not do what they said he did."

[IN EAST INDIAN ACCENT] "I don't give a shit what the fuck...

"No glove, no blood, bullshit.

"If the glove doesn't fit...

"It must acquit."

It's like, you know, white people,

they know how they built the system.

The system is built that way,

we don't want to put innocent fuckers in jail.

I don't know that the fucking guy didn't do it. I don't know

if he did do it, but you know what?

I know I ain't fucking God.

I know that much.

I know that God takes care of shit when shit goes wrong.

I know that if O.J. did it, if he did it,

he's gonna die, he's gonna go to heaven.

The gates are gonna open up.

He's gonna be walkin' in all cool.

God's gonna come outta the back, look at O.J. and go,

"Nigga please."

"But the gloves didn't fit."

"Nigga puh-lease."

I know times get hard sometimes.

I'm gonna bring back a joke. Only 'cause I've done it for the white people.

I've done it for the Mexicans.

I guess I gotta teach you what's up.

Every once in a while we gotta steal shit, you know.

You know how it is.

We don't wanna get caught, right?

This is what you do.

Queen size, sheer energy, nude.

Remember. I'm telling you, this is how you steal.

You never get caught. Just pay attention, motherfuckers.

All right listen, pay attention, fuckers.

Right before you steal, you get this shit, you put it on,

so they don't catch your ass.

Right before you go in,

pull it back like this and they'll think you're Chinese.

Yo, Def Jam, man, thank you for letting me come.

Thank you for being cool. Appreciate it.

[CHEERING]

HARRIS: Carlos Mencia.

Mi un amigo!

Mi hablo español, Carlos.

Muy poquito.

El Taco Bell.

I know some Spanish around this motherfucker.

All right, yo. I'm gonna bring up the man

who makes all of this possible.

Y'all put your hands together for Mr. Russell Simmons.

Thank you for comin' out.

God bless you. Good night.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

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