Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

KID CAPRI: Straight out of New York City,

it's the Russell Simmons' Def Comedy All Star Jam.

Put your hands together for my man,

Mr. Jamie Foxx.

Come on. Come on. Come on. Come On.

Come on. Come On. Come on. Come On.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

Whoo! Yeah, what's up?

Make some noise, baby.

Make some noise.

I know that cost some money.

Here, hold this. You hold this.

Now I'm going to watch your ass, too.

How y'all doing?

When I say, "Hey", you say, "Ho." Hey.

AUDIENCE: Ho.Hey.

AUDIENCE: Ho.When I say "Want some", you say "More."

Want some.AUDIENCE: More.

Want some.AUDIENCE: More.

[STAMMERS] "More?"

You're like, "Want some more."

[IMITATING WHITE MAN] "Yeah.

"Boy, you really do it. Son of a bitch."

[LAUGHS]

"Son of a bitch."

It's good to see white people smiling and everything. It's cool.

Give it up for the white people. Y'all brave motherfuckers.

'Cause after that O.J. shit they was madder than a motherfucker, wasn't they?

"This is an outrage!

"Son of a fucking orange."

[CHUCKLES]

"Fucking orange juice.

"Juicy."

Y'all was turning in your Hertz Rent A Cars

and everything. "I don't want this shit.

"Fucking juicy."

[CHUCKLES]

And brothers was partying like a motherfucker.

"O.J.!"

Trip. Trip. Trip. Give it up for ya...

I just got back from Africa.

Give it up, baby.

Give it up, baby. Come on, now.

Give it up. Give it up.

[BEATBOXES]

[AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG]

And that's just in the airport.

They be getting it, man.

They be getting it. And the music over there...

[VOCALIZING]

Come on.

[CONTINUES VOCALIZING]

[EXCLAIMS]

Make you want to hunt, boy.

Africa, man. Africa.

But you know it's crazy because over in Africa, they've got drive-bys now.

Ain't that some shit? Drive-bys in Africa.

Ain't that some shit? Only they do it different over there.

They be like... [MIMICS ENGINE RUNNING, TIRES SCREECHING]

[MIMES BLOWING DART, ENGINE RUNNING]

[IN AFRICAN ACCENT] Did we get him?

I'm hauling 187... No, just kidding.

But you know, drive-bys are crazy over here too, man.

We've got to like start talking to these kids, you know, and stuff.

Try to, you know, get them back on the path and stuff.

Because drive-bys are getting crazy, man.

'Cause I was in L.A., man, and they,

you know, they shot at this guy, you know,

'cause they thought he was throwing up gang signs.

But you know he was just signing.

No, I'm serious. He was talking.

As he was talking to somebody, he was like... He was deaf.

And the brothers thought he was throwing up gang signs so they shot at him.

Ain't that fucked up?

Shot at him. And he's just talking,

"You know what I had said was...

"No. No. I said..." [MIMICS GUNSHOT]

"Hey!

"What the fuck, man?

"You shooting?

"That's bullshit, man.

"That's some bullshit.

"I know they not tripping.

"You better blow that shit out."

[CHUCKLES]

Man. But you know it's crazy. You know...

And guys I want to tell you this, you know,

start respecting, you know, your women and everything.

Fellas, respect your women.

Respect your women.

And be respectful. Ladies, you be respectful

because y'all... Look at you. Y'all don't even want...

Go on and clap. Be respectful.

'Cause that's what happened with all that O.J. shit... You know, 'cause it was...

The fact of it is, is that if somebody seeing somebody else

or somebody's dating somebody, you let them know.

You know there was that whole, you know, relationship triangle shit.

If you got a man or you got a woman,

let somebody know. 'Cause some of y'all in here right now

with somebody else's shit.

And they come in here, they going to shoot everybody. [MIMICS GUNSHOTS]

Where you at?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Let them know. Fellas, you know that.

Ladies, let a brother know if you got somebody, say, "I want to give you this.

"But I can't right now 'cause...

"I got a man. He ain't shit. He ain't worth a shit.

"You know, he don't work. He don't come home when he supposed to,

"or anything like that and he don't respect me like he should,

"and all that shit. But I love him.

"He's my man. He's raggedy as a motherfucker,

"but I love his raggedy ass."

And you're like, "I want to give you this."

[MAKES WHOOSHING NOISES]

And fellas, you do the same thing with your trifling asses.

And I'm with you 'cause I ain't worth a shit either.

You know, I'll tell you in a minute.

But fellas you tell, you know, ladies,

"Hey, I want to give you this."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Well, some of y'all... [MAKES WHOOSHING NOISE]

[AUDIENCE GROANS]

[MAKES TWANGING NOISE]

Like a doorstop and shit. [CONTINUES TWANGING NOISE]

"I want to give you that, but I can't 'cause I got lady.

"I don't know why she like me. I ain't shit. I ain't worth a damn.

"But she loves me." And you let them know.

That's what I'm saying. And ladies, say what's on your mind.

Because you know, like when I want to get at a lady I'm straight,

you know, straight forward.

I don't be bullshitting around.

You know, I'm like, "Hey I saw you.

"You know, you was at the show. You was laughing and stuff,

"and I just thought maybe you could come back to the hotel and shit,

"and, uh, I could hit it."

Okay. Fuck it. I was checking you out.

You was laughing and shit.

You know, I was just wondering if you would...

You'll get one, you just... That's all you need, is one.

Because I hate it when ladies do shit like this.

When ladies... You try to get at them and the lady say,

"Oh, I usually don't do this.

"I'm serious. I usually don't do this. I am serious.

"I usually don't do this.

"I swear. I usually don't do this. I swear.

"But it's something about you, Jamie.

"You just so funny and everything, you know,

"you just make me feel so comfortable."

I be like, "Really?

"Yeah, you want to go up to the room for a second?"

[LAUGHS] "I don't be going up to nobody's..."

[MAKES A CREAKING SOUND]

"This is a nice room.

"But I usually don't... You can ask Rachelle and them.

"I don't be doing this. I swear to God. I don't be doing this.

"But it's something about you, Jamie.

"You just make me feel so comfortable."

"Yeah, well you want something to drink or something, you know?"

[LAUGHS] "I ain't had a drink in about..." [SLURPS]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

[COUGHS] "Oh, is that Tanqueray?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"Oh, that shit make me crazy.

"I normally don't drink like this, Jamie,

"but you make me feel so comfortable."

"Yeah, well why don't you sit on the bed for a second, you know?"

"On your bed?

"I don't be sitting on nobody's bed and stuff, you know,

"'cause I just usually don't do no shit like that."

"You know, but it's, it's... Uh-oh.

"Is this the Porta-Pedic?

"I usually wouldn't sit down, but this is a Porta-Pedic

"so I'll sit on this just 'cause it's a Porta-Pedic.

"I ain't never sat on no Porta-Pedic, I swear.

"But it's something about you, Jamie.

"You just make me feel so..."AUDIENCE: Comfortable!

"So I'm gonna sit right here.

"But don't you be trying no bullshit.

"I'm gonna sit right here on the edge.

"Don't be tryin' to...

"This is nice.

"Porta-Pedic and stuff."

"Yeah, you want me to rub your shoulders?"

"I am kind of tight."

"Not for long." "What you say?"

"I said, don't get me wrong. Don't get me wrong.

"But first you got to back up a little bit."

"Back up?"

"Yeah, back up to me." "Right here?"

"Yeah, a little bit further."

"Right here?"

"Come on back a little bit."

"Right here?" "Yeah."

"Hey.

"For real though...

"Just rub my shoulders."

"Ain't it kind of hot in here?"

"It is kind of hot. I'm just going to take this top part off.

"But you know, I usually don't do no shit like this, Jamie.

"But I'm going to take this top part off.

"But you mind your manners. I don't do this,

"but you just make me feel so..."

AUDIENCE: Comfortable.

"So you watch out, now.

"Ooh. Ouch.

"Mmm, mmm-hmm.

"Ooh.

"Ooh, your hands so strong.

"Ooh, they so strong. Your hands is strong.

"Ooh, you got so much strength in your hands.

"Ooh. Ooh. Uh-uh, Jamie, don't touch my titty,

"you going to make me start doing something I don't want to do.

"Now Jamie, you better stop that, Jamie.

"You better stop..."[MUSIC PLAYING]

[CHUCKLES]

"Oh, shit."

"I normally don't do this."

"But you make me feel so..."AUDIENCE: Comfortable.

Yeah. Y'all ready for some comedy?

Give it up for Kid Capri.

And give it up for homie, Affion.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

Damn. Boy, I'll tell you, I love dancing.

I'm going to tell you why.

Dancing is powerful.

Especially back in the day,

in the '70s, if a brother could dance like John Travolta

or Rerun from What's Happening!!, he could start up any party.

He come in there like,

"Oh, y'all just going to stand around? DJ."

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Now that brother will set that party off.

He will have everybody in there dancing.

The party be looking like the painting from Good Times.

Oh, shit. That was back in the day

when times were good.

The bad thing was

my family was broke as hell.

Wrote a poem about it. Like to hear it?

AUDIENCE: Yeah.

Here it go.

Damn, we broke than a son of a bitch.

TV with no knobs, no color and no pitch.

But a TV was the only thing we ever kept on

because the stereo and speakers all had to be pawned.

Now was I the only broke kid in the hood with no hype

or was everyone frontin', wearing Adidas with four stripes?

I'll tell you what. I watched so much TV

I have bad dreams about it now.

The other day I dreamed that I was joy-riding with Beavis and Butt-Head.

I'm in the back seat, man. They up front like this,

"Uh... [CHUCKLES]

"Uh... [CHUCKLES]

"Hey, Beavis, we're speeding."

"Yeah, yeah, faster, Butt-Head. Faster."

"Settle down, butt-munch.

"I'll kick your ass. [CHUCKLES]"

Oh, that ain't funny,

because we got pulled by a cop.

You know who the cop was?

Bernie Mac.

[AUDIENCE GROANS]Bernie gets out of the car like this.

[MIMICS DOOR CLOSING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

[IMITATING BERNIE MAC] "Thank you, God damn it.

"Excuse me, fellas,

"but do you recall how fast you were going?"

"Uh, no.

"But I'll bet you were going the same speed when you pulled us over."

"I ain't scared of you motherfuckers.

"I'm gonna tell you right now, I ain't come here for no foolishness.

"Reggie, put a handcuff on them, we're taking them to jail.

"Mac got a big jailhouse. Say it."

The dream is not over, because we went to jail.

But I went to the hospital the next day

because my cellmate tried to burn me in my sleep.

He was waiting on me, too.

I went in there, man, and he was like this.

"Everyone remain calm!

"I am a fire marshal."

That's my time. My name is Affion.

All right. Yeah. Y'all ready for some comedy?

AUDIENCE: Yeah.FOXX: All right. Let's give it up for this dude.

He's coming out of Chicago, Illinois.

Please welcome Corey Holcomb.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

[INAUDIBLE EXCHANGE]

What's up? Hey, what's up?

I'm gonna hop right into it.

I want to talk about something I know everybody can relate to.

Anybody got like a cousin or a homie or a friend or a neighbor

or somebody you know

who keep a nasty-ass house?

AUDIENCE: Yes.

You know them motherfuckers house just be nasty

every time you go up in that motherfucker?

Some of y'all probably with their ass tonight,

so you can't speak up like you want to.

Man, I got a homie, man. My boy, man!

Man, their house... First of all, he's a dirty motherfucker.

You know the... Y'all remember them guys

used to run around all week with that white T-shirt on?

And they get that yellow stuff under the arm?

Well, he had that on his leather jacket.

[CHUCKLES][AUDIENCE GROANS]

Dirty motherfucker. Damn.

You know... You know... Run around,

don't take baths...

You ever see them people, wax be running all out their ear?

Man, he had... Man, his ear... I ain't... Look,

he had so much wax in his ear,

if you had a Q-tip

and dug it in his ear and pulled it out,

you'll have a sugar daddy.

And it... Man, just dirty.

And their house, I don't even know where to begin talking about...

House just nasty.

Stink.

Sort of smells like they was burning a chitlin incense up in that motherfucker.

Just a nasty-ass... [LAUGHS]

Dude, and they got... Y'all ever go up their house?

Them people with them old, nasty apartments

and they usually got one of them old bathrooms.

You know you go up in there and the tub still be on four legs?

You know, you could sweep under that motherfucker?

And they got the old sink in there with the double faucet.

You know where the hot water come out this side

and the cold water come out this side.

To keep from burning your hand, you got to switch your shit back?

"Ahh! Ahh!"

I'm gonna tell the ladies something.

Ladies, I want to put y'all up on something about men.

Did y'all know that every man in here could easily go three months without having sex?

No. No. Let me tell y'all something y'all don't know.

Every man got a woman on the side.

I'm telling ya. I don't care who he is.

Every man got a woman on the side.

But don't get mad 'cause I ain't talking about, like, another female,

I'm talking about that person, you know, fellas

the one you messin' around with all the time?

Her.

I ain't going to front. This is my main squeeze. You know what I'm saying?

Whenever my woman be, "Oh, all right. You don't want to give me none?

"Fuck you, then. Put your coat on, baby.

"We going to the Holiday Inn in this motherfucker."

I like to... I like to ball up

and draw that little face on her.

[CHUCKLES]

And talk a little shit to her before I get with her.

[CHUCKLING]

"Yeah. You want this dick, don't you?"

"Me so horny."

"All right girl, go to work."

[LAUGHS]

Whoo!

"Hey, let me hit that shit from the back."

[LAUGHS]

Oh, man.

I'm gonna wrap it up, though, man.

I want to talk about something, man. Man.

I went to this church, right?

Man, it was this preacher.

His name was Reverend Sleeparound.

He was cold, though. Fellas, if you'd have been in his church,

you'd have been jumping up and down in the aisles,

'cause he talked about something that hit home with a lot of brothers.

You know how he came out... You know how them Baptist preachers come out.

He was like...

♪ Well, I want to talk to y'all this morning

♪ About a problem in my life.

♪ It's a problem that dwells with a lot of men

♪ Backstabs you like a knife

♪ Goes deep into your pocket books

♪ Puts you in a financial bind

♪ It's a problem that ain't never going nowhere

♪ It's with you for a lifetime

♪ I'm not talking about drugs and alcohol

♪ Compared, that's a light drama

♪ See, a man's biggest burden

♪ Is his baby's mama.

♪ Well... [LAUGHS]

Hey, I'm Corey Holcomb from Chicago.

Peace![HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

Keep it going. Keep it going.

Let's give it up. From Twin City, Georgia,

let's give it up for this lady.

Y'all ready for a female comedian?

Come on, give it up for a female.

Give it up for a female.

Let's give it up for Barbara Carlyle.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

All right. All right.

Whoo, ain't it something about that music make you want to move your pelvis?

Oh, don't y'all front. Y'all know y'all mamas dance like that and shit.

Soon as they get drunk.

Now, since I do a clean set,

I know I got to do a few proverbial "Fuck you's"

to make some of y'all feel at home.

So fuck you.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

And you fuck me. [GRUNTS]

Now, y'all all heard old-time bedtime stories.

I'd like to give you the modern versions.

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods one day.

Big Bad Wolf jumped out the bushes and said,

"Little Red Riding Hood,

"when I catch ya, I'm gonna throw you down and fuck you to death."

Little Red Riding Hood said, "No, you ain't.

"You gone eat me just like the book say."

Now y'all know when they make the movie,

I'm gonna play the part of Little Red Riding Hood.

We ain't even got to go to Grandma's house.

Do the shit right there in the forest.

Ain't no use of wasting a whole day taping.

And relationships are fucked up these days.

And see, it's because of bad experiences

that I don't suck dick no more. No, I don't.

I gave it up.

And this the second time I gave it up.

Oh, I was sucking dick long before it became fashionable.

Now everybody doing it. It's like a spectator sport.

But I didn't give it up 'cause everybody was doing it.

I had to give it up for medical reasons.

Man had ate some seafood and didn't tell me.

I'm allergic to seafood.

They rushed me to the hospital,

pumped my stomach.

But you know you always go back to what you love.

So I went back.

And this time I had done a little bit of reading up on it.

And in the book, it say you gotta be real freaky with it.

So I'm going to reach down there and lick his balls.

Goddamn dick stuck me dead in the eye.

They rushed me to the hospital.

Doctor say a few more inches it would have put my eye out.

So now I'm stuck with a dilemma.

Either keep on sucking dick

or be cock-eyed the rest of my life.

And ladies, you've got to be careful

'cause you know how when you go to the hospital,

they run all kind of tests on you just to run up a bill.

I found out I'm suffering from lackofdickaphobia.

Not only that, I've got a touch of pubosuckagitis.

Now, for those of you who don't know what lackofdickaphobia is,

that's the fear of not knowing when you going to get your next piece of good dick.

And pubosuckagitis is the act of getting a pubic hair stuck in your throat.

And a lot of you ladies might be walking around with it

and don't know you got it.

So I'm here to tell you the symptoms.

You start sweating.

You can't sleep at night.

And you know how when people can't sleep at night,

they count sheep jumping over the fence?

All you see are dicks jumping over the fence. Jumping over the fence.

Every time they jump, I try to catch them.

But ladies, you gots to be careful,

because you gots to know if it's real dick or dick byproducts.

And the kind of woman I am, I wrote two books on the matter.

My first book,

Maybe Dick, I Don't Know.

This book will let you know.

And my second book, soon to be a movie,

Short Dick Men... Are They Taking Over?

Men claim they know when a woman's faking a orgasm.

I know that ain't true 'cause I don't even know no more.

I had this one guy ask me,

"Why come you don't tell me when you have a orgasm?"

I said, "Hell, you ain't never around."

What am I supposed to do?

Get up and call your ass?

And men got the smoothest-ass lines in the world.

He's going to look at me talking about, "Barbara,

"you know there's an art to lovemaking."

I said, "Oh, yeah?

"Well, I wish somebody would draw you a bigger dick."

My name is Barbara Carlyle. You've been a great audience. Thank you very much.

Give it up for Barbara.

Man, come on, give her some more love.

Man. Damn. Look at the women.

We're going to bring out the man that makes this all possible.

Let's bring out Russell Simmons. Come on. Bring it. Come on.

Yeah.

Thank y'all for coming out. God bless you. Good night.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

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