Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:05,048 --> 00:00:06,958
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
2
00:00:07,007 --> 00:00:08,527
KID CAPRI: Straight out of
New York City,
3
00:00:08,573 --> 00:00:11,923
it's the Russell Simmons'
Def Comedy All-Star Jam.
4
00:00:33,076 --> 00:00:35,296
Put your hands together
for my man,
5
00:00:35,339 --> 00:00:38,429
theDef Comedy Jam,
welcomes to the stage,
6
00:00:38,473 --> 00:00:42,263
Mr. Bill Bellamy.
7
00:00:42,303 --> 00:00:43,913
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
8
00:00:51,660 --> 00:00:53,750
Yeah!
9
00:00:53,792 --> 00:00:55,972
Make some noise!
10
00:00:56,012 --> 00:00:57,972
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
11
00:00:58,014 --> 00:00:59,324
Ahhh!
12
00:01:00,016 --> 00:01:01,886
[BARKS]
13
00:01:01,931 --> 00:01:05,111
Where are the ladies
in the house? Make some noise!
14
00:01:05,152 --> 00:01:07,422
[CHEERING]Yeah.
15
00:01:07,458 --> 00:01:11,458
Whoo! New York is
representin', boy!
16
00:01:11,506 --> 00:01:14,416
Give it up for my man,
Kid Capri, doin' his thang!
17
00:01:14,465 --> 00:01:16,545
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
18
00:01:16,598 --> 00:01:19,818
Shit! How you doin'?
Hey, baby. Wassup? Wassup? Wassup?
19
00:01:19,862 --> 00:01:23,082
Don't be nervous. She like,
"What? Bill, what? What?
20
00:01:23,126 --> 00:01:25,906
"I hate doin'... Go ahead!"
21
00:01:25,955 --> 00:01:28,175
A lot of crazy stuff been
happenin' to me, man.
22
00:01:28,218 --> 00:01:31,308
I been goin' to weddings,
all my boys is gettin' married, like one by one.
23
00:01:31,352 --> 00:01:33,312
Pop! Pop, pop, pop!
Just gettin' married,
24
00:01:33,354 --> 00:01:35,534
but the funny thing
about brothers is when they get married,
25
00:01:35,573 --> 00:01:38,713
the closer they get to the
weddin', they start tripping.
26
00:01:38,750 --> 00:01:41,230
Two days from the weddin'
they start talkin' funny shit to you.
27
00:01:41,275 --> 00:01:44,055
Like, "Hey, man.
Can I talk to you for a minute, man?"
28
00:01:44,104 --> 00:01:45,504
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
29
00:01:45,540 --> 00:01:48,760
[CLICKING TONGUE] "Uh, um,
30
00:01:48,804 --> 00:01:50,854
"what you gonna do when
I'm gone, man?"
31
00:01:52,024 --> 00:01:53,684
I'm like, "Where you goin'?"
32
00:01:53,722 --> 00:01:55,852
"I dunno, but I ain't
gonna see you no more. I know that."
33
00:01:55,898 --> 00:01:57,118
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
34
00:01:57,160 --> 00:01:59,340
"She already told me
this shit is over."
35
00:01:59,380 --> 00:02:01,430
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
36
00:02:01,469 --> 00:02:03,469
And you think they playin',
but they ain't playin'
37
00:02:03,514 --> 00:02:05,214
'cause they be serious, man.
38
00:02:05,255 --> 00:02:07,425
When your boys get married,
they don't hang out with you no more.
39
00:02:07,475 --> 00:02:09,255
We can't go play no
ball no more, you know?
40
00:02:09,303 --> 00:02:12,783
We don't go to the club
no more. Shut down.
41
00:02:12,828 --> 00:02:15,528
They don't even call you
no more. They call you like two years later.
42
00:02:15,570 --> 00:02:18,180
You don't even recognize my
man when he call you.
43
00:02:18,225 --> 00:02:20,225
Like... [IMITATES PHONE RING]
44
00:02:20,270 --> 00:02:22,320
"Hello?"
[WHISPERS] "Yo, wassup?"
45
00:02:22,359 --> 00:02:24,269
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
46
00:02:26,842 --> 00:02:28,192
"How you doin', man?"
47
00:02:28,235 --> 00:02:30,235
"Who is this?"
"It's me. How you been?
48
00:02:30,280 --> 00:02:32,110
"Yo, I'm all right.
Where are you?"
49
00:02:32,152 --> 00:02:33,762
"I can't tell you that
right now.
50
00:02:36,243 --> 00:02:38,813
"But I just wanna ask
you somethin'." "Wassup, man?"
51
00:02:38,854 --> 00:02:40,204
"Um...
52
00:02:40,247 --> 00:02:42,027
"What kind of cars
they got out now?"
53
00:02:44,686 --> 00:02:46,466
"Who in there on that
damn phone?"
54
00:02:46,514 --> 00:02:48,304
"Yo, I gotta go, man.
I gotta go."
55
00:02:49,647 --> 00:02:52,217
Can't talk to you.
56
00:02:52,259 --> 00:02:55,089
I go to the malls
just to look at married people shop.
57
00:02:55,131 --> 00:02:57,051
That's the funniest
shit. If you want see married people,
58
00:02:57,089 --> 00:02:59,699
you could tell if they
happy by the way they shop.
59
00:02:59,744 --> 00:03:01,094
It's a true fact.
60
00:03:01,137 --> 00:03:02,827
People that are happy,
they hold hands.
61
00:03:02,878 --> 00:03:05,188
The newlyweds always
hold hands. They walkin' around the mall.
62
00:03:05,228 --> 00:03:07,618
They look so cute.
They like, "Come on, let's go.
63
00:03:09,058 --> 00:03:10,408
"Look at that shirt.
64
00:03:12,192 --> 00:03:13,672
"We should get two of 'em.
65
00:03:15,369 --> 00:03:17,759
"Just so we can match."
66
00:03:17,806 --> 00:03:20,286
"You love me?"
"Yeah, I love you too.
67
00:03:21,810 --> 00:03:23,900
"I wish we wasn't so broke."
68
00:03:23,942 --> 00:03:27,512
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
69
00:03:27,555 --> 00:03:30,425
Then, you ever... You ever
see, like, people that's been married forever?
70
00:03:30,471 --> 00:03:33,081
People that are married
forever, they don't even hold hands.
71
00:03:33,125 --> 00:03:35,035
The guy don't even
want to be there.
72
00:03:35,084 --> 00:03:37,434
He just standin' there like,
"Go ahead!"
73
00:03:37,478 --> 00:03:39,438
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
74
00:03:39,480 --> 00:03:42,000
"What?
75
00:03:42,047 --> 00:03:45,087
"You better hope...
Hope you got your own goddamn money.
76
00:03:45,137 --> 00:03:47,047
"I'm not buyin' that blouse.
77
00:03:47,096 --> 00:03:48,616
"I don't give a fuck."
78
00:03:48,663 --> 00:03:50,583
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
79
00:03:50,621 --> 00:03:53,541
"I'll walk home.
Fuck you, too!"
80
00:03:56,279 --> 00:03:57,239
Right?
81
00:03:58,325 --> 00:03:59,975
It's true.
82
00:04:00,022 --> 00:04:01,852
And the funny part
is to see guys...
83
00:04:01,893 --> 00:04:04,463
The smart guys when they
go to the mall, they take advantage 'cause
84
00:04:04,505 --> 00:04:07,155
that's the best time
to see a lady, when you go to the mall.
85
00:04:07,203 --> 00:04:08,993
They be checkin' out...
You ever notice the guys
86
00:04:09,031 --> 00:04:10,951
that stand outside the store?
87
00:04:10,989 --> 00:04:12,899
They smart as hell. They be
tellin' they wife to go in there and shop.
88
00:04:12,948 --> 00:04:14,168
"Go ahead!"
89
00:04:15,211 --> 00:04:17,781
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
90
00:04:17,822 --> 00:04:20,002
"Go ahead.
I'm all right. I'm right here, all right?
91
00:04:20,042 --> 00:04:21,262
"Aye!
92
00:04:24,394 --> 00:04:26,484
"See what's goin' on
in this mall.
93
00:04:28,355 --> 00:04:31,705
"See, oh man.
Look at this, look at this.
94
00:04:33,055 --> 00:04:36,055
"Oh, man. Look at this.
95
00:04:36,101 --> 00:04:37,231
"Damn!
96
00:04:38,887 --> 00:04:42,667
"Man, look it, look it.
Oh God, look at that ass."
97
00:04:42,717 --> 00:04:45,287
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
98
00:04:47,809 --> 00:04:51,119
"What? Yeah. Yeah,
you look good."
99
00:04:53,336 --> 00:04:55,946
Then sometime they be havin'
flashbacks like they single.
100
00:04:55,991 --> 00:04:57,561
They do some more
stupid shit like,
101
00:04:59,560 --> 00:05:01,040
[WHISPERS] "Hey.
102
00:05:06,131 --> 00:05:09,351
"Don't come over here."
103
00:05:09,396 --> 00:05:11,696
A couple of years ago,
I did that whole booty-call thing,
104
00:05:11,746 --> 00:05:13,356
you know, and a lot of
brothers gave me some flack.
105
00:05:13,400 --> 00:05:16,270
You know, they was like,
"Yo, B. Man, why you do that, man?
106
00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:18,356
"Fucked it up."
107
00:05:18,405 --> 00:05:20,095
Like, "Nah, I didn't, man,
because see,
108
00:05:20,145 --> 00:05:21,625
"I hooked everybody up."
109
00:05:21,669 --> 00:05:24,589
See, the thing is, everybody
make booty calls, man.
110
00:05:24,628 --> 00:05:26,108
Women make booty calls,
but, you see,
111
00:05:26,151 --> 00:05:28,071
women do this shit so smooth,
112
00:05:28,110 --> 00:05:30,200
you don't even know you
gettin' a booty call.
113
00:05:31,940 --> 00:05:33,380
It's true!
114
00:05:33,420 --> 00:05:35,290
And the thing that trip me
out about girls,
115
00:05:35,335 --> 00:05:39,155
girls know they
want to get with a guy the mornin' they wake up.
116
00:05:39,208 --> 00:05:41,728
When y'all wake up,
y'all know y'all gonna get y'all some.
117
00:05:41,776 --> 00:05:43,126
Y'all be like, "Mmm!"
118
00:05:45,780 --> 00:05:47,560
[PURRING] "Mmm!"
119
00:05:48,304 --> 00:05:49,784
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
120
00:05:54,832 --> 00:05:56,312
"The kitty is purrin'!
121
00:05:58,314 --> 00:06:01,934
"I may have to do somethin'
about this today."
122
00:06:01,970 --> 00:06:03,800
Guys, we don't even
know when we gonna get some booty.
123
00:06:03,841 --> 00:06:07,761
We be standin' around
talkin about, "Damn, I hope she pick me."
124
00:06:07,802 --> 00:06:09,242
But for real, you ever
been in the crib?
125
00:06:09,281 --> 00:06:11,281
You know, you in the crib
one night, late.
126
00:06:11,327 --> 00:06:12,977
You about to go to bed.
It's late.
127
00:06:13,024 --> 00:06:15,244
You know, you just
got out the shower, you like,
128
00:06:15,287 --> 00:06:18,677
"Damn. I gotta go
to work tomorrow.
129
00:06:18,726 --> 00:06:20,766
"I don't feel like goin'.
130
00:06:20,815 --> 00:06:22,855
"But I'm gonna go, damn!"
131
00:06:23,644 --> 00:06:25,304
[IMITATES PHONE RINGING]
132
00:06:27,256 --> 00:06:28,386
"Who the fuck?"
133
00:06:29,476 --> 00:06:30,996
[IMITATES PHONE RINGING]
134
00:06:31,826 --> 00:06:35,176
"What time is it? God damn.
135
00:06:35,220 --> 00:06:37,090
"Who could be callin'
me now?"
136
00:06:37,135 --> 00:06:39,395
[IMITATES PHONE RINGING]
137
00:06:39,442 --> 00:06:41,442
"Hello?"
"Hey, baby."
138
00:06:42,532 --> 00:06:44,932
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
139
00:06:44,969 --> 00:06:48,539
"Hello?"
"Am I disturbin' you?"
140
00:06:48,582 --> 00:06:50,322
"No, hell no. No, no."
141
00:06:50,366 --> 00:06:52,976
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
142
00:06:53,021 --> 00:06:54,461
"What you doin'?"
143
00:06:54,501 --> 00:06:55,891
"Uh, I was just gettin'
ready to go to bed.
144
00:06:55,937 --> 00:06:57,457
"You know, I gotta go
to work tomorrow and stuff.
145
00:06:57,504 --> 00:06:59,244
"You know, I gotta
get up early."
146
00:06:59,288 --> 00:07:01,068
"Oh, that's a shame."
147
00:07:07,209 --> 00:07:08,729
"So, what you sayin'?"
148
00:07:08,776 --> 00:07:10,426
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
149
00:07:12,083 --> 00:07:14,913
"Um, well, I been thinkin'
about you all day and I...
150
00:07:14,956 --> 00:07:18,086
"I just got out
the tub and...
151
00:07:18,133 --> 00:07:21,313
"I'm all wet.
152
00:07:21,353 --> 00:07:23,883
"And I just was wonderin'
if I can see you tonight."
153
00:07:24,705 --> 00:07:25,875
"Hell yeah.
154
00:07:27,621 --> 00:07:29,361
"Yeah, that's cool as hell."
155
00:07:29,405 --> 00:07:31,665
"I just want to see you
right now. I just want to feel you
156
00:07:31,712 --> 00:07:34,372
"here with me.
157
00:07:34,410 --> 00:07:37,720
"How long would it take you
to get over here?"
158
00:07:37,761 --> 00:07:40,551
"I figure by the time you hang
up this motherfuckin' phone."
159
00:07:40,590 --> 00:07:42,900
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
160
00:07:44,768 --> 00:07:47,468
"So, I guess I'm gonna see
you in a minute, huh?"
161
00:07:47,510 --> 00:07:50,860
"Yeah." Your heart
start beatin' faster than a motherfucker.
162
00:07:50,905 --> 00:07:53,385
[IMITATING HEART BEATING]
163
00:07:53,429 --> 00:07:56,079
'Cause your booty's
like, "Yo. It's 'round the corner."
164
00:07:57,738 --> 00:07:59,568
Your clothes jump out
the closet.
165
00:07:59,609 --> 00:08:01,829
You just look, the clothes
be like, "Wassup!"
166
00:08:01,872 --> 00:08:04,702
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
167
00:08:04,745 --> 00:08:07,175
You jump in your clothes
like you a fireman and shit.
168
00:08:07,225 --> 00:08:09,045
[VOCALIZES]
169
00:08:09,097 --> 00:08:11,667
Oh, get your keys. [VOCALIZES]
170
00:08:11,708 --> 00:08:15,058
Now you runnin',
right? [VOCALIZES]
171
00:08:15,103 --> 00:08:16,843
You see the stairs,
but you don't need the stairs.
172
00:08:16,887 --> 00:08:18,277
You hit the bannister.
173
00:08:23,067 --> 00:08:26,547
You take your keys,
throw 'em in the ignition. [VOCALIZES]
174
00:08:26,593 --> 00:08:28,423
Vroom, vroom, vroom.
175
00:08:28,464 --> 00:08:30,954
Get in the car.
Vroom, vroom, vroom.
176
00:08:30,988 --> 00:08:35,428
[IMITATING SPEEDING CAR]
177
00:08:37,952 --> 00:08:39,692
You're goin' through
the neighborhood,
178
00:08:39,736 --> 00:08:43,216
2:00 in the morning,
90 miles an hour. [IMITATING SPEEDING CAR]
179
00:08:43,261 --> 00:08:45,261
Blow by the cops.
The cops look at you,
180
00:08:45,307 --> 00:08:47,827
you look at him.
He like, "Hey, man. I know how you livin'."
181
00:08:47,875 --> 00:08:49,565
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
182
00:08:51,792 --> 00:08:55,402
Hell yeah! Y'all ready
to get this show on the road or what?
183
00:08:57,972 --> 00:08:59,282
Aw, yeah.
184
00:08:59,321 --> 00:09:01,021
For all the people that came
here tonight,
185
00:09:01,062 --> 00:09:03,462
you are in for a treat.
This show is jam-packed
186
00:09:03,499 --> 00:09:05,939
with powerful comedians
and we startin' it off
187
00:09:05,980 --> 00:09:07,590
on the Jersey side
of things.
188
00:09:07,634 --> 00:09:09,684
This is one of my homies.
We started out together.
189
00:09:09,723 --> 00:09:12,333
His name is Jay.
He's back to do it again
190
00:09:12,377 --> 00:09:16,767
and blow up this microphone,
so give him some love, New York City.
191
00:09:16,817 --> 00:09:18,727
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]
192
00:09:30,831 --> 00:09:34,841
How a motherfucker feel,
y'all feelin' aight?
193
00:09:34,878 --> 00:09:37,968
White people in the house,
white people make some noise. Can I hear ya?
194
00:09:38,012 --> 00:09:39,362
[AUDIENCE MEMBERS CHEERING]
195
00:09:39,404 --> 00:09:41,064
There's a couple of
them motherfuckers up here.
196
00:09:41,102 --> 00:09:42,362
White people, y'all are
some crazy motherfuckers.
197
00:09:42,407 --> 00:09:43,927
White people crazy as hell.
198
00:09:43,974 --> 00:09:46,324
White people crazy.
Do you ever notice that white people
199
00:09:46,368 --> 00:09:48,278
do shit that be
the shit to them,
200
00:09:48,326 --> 00:09:50,416
but it's corny as
hell to everybody else.
201
00:09:50,459 --> 00:09:53,199
To them it be the shit,
but to everybody else it be corny.
202
00:09:53,244 --> 00:09:55,074
Now, I'll tell you something.
203
00:09:55,116 --> 00:09:57,416
How many motherfuckers ever
had a nigga call they house from jail?
204
00:09:57,466 --> 00:09:59,376
Get it out! Get it out!
Call y'all from jail?
205
00:09:59,424 --> 00:10:01,824
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS, APPLAUDS]
206
00:10:01,862 --> 00:10:05,042
You know the most fucked up
thing about a nigga callin' your house from jail
207
00:10:05,082 --> 00:10:07,172
is like, they gotta
call collect. Call collect.
208
00:10:07,215 --> 00:10:09,955
And you always know a nigga
callin' collect when you pick up the phone
209
00:10:10,000 --> 00:10:11,520
and the phone ringing.
[IMITATES PHONE RING]
210
00:10:11,567 --> 00:10:13,217
And you pick it up
and you hear that space.
211
00:10:15,702 --> 00:10:17,662
And then the...
And then the operator come on,
212
00:10:17,704 --> 00:10:19,664
"You have
a collect call from..."
213
00:10:19,706 --> 00:10:22,526
But the funny shit is that
a nigga try to take a whole lot of words
214
00:10:22,578 --> 00:10:25,018
and stuff 'em in that
little bitty space.
215
00:10:25,059 --> 00:10:26,839
He try to take a whole
lot of shit. Here, the phone ringin'.
216
00:10:26,887 --> 00:10:28,447
[IMITATES PHONE RING]
"Hello? Hello?"
217
00:10:28,497 --> 00:10:30,367
"You have
a collect call from..."
218
00:10:30,412 --> 00:10:33,682
[SPEAKING VERY RAPIDLY]
219
00:10:39,813 --> 00:10:41,553
"To accept this call,
press one.
220
00:10:41,597 --> 00:10:44,337
"To deny this call,
press two."
221
00:10:44,382 --> 00:10:45,822
This the shit I like to...
222
00:10:45,862 --> 00:10:47,912
Y'all ever see the fags
in the club be doin' they shit?
223
00:10:53,217 --> 00:10:54,867
That's... That's some
fag shit right there.
224
00:10:54,915 --> 00:10:56,385
Fags always
say that kind of shit,
225
00:10:56,438 --> 00:10:57,958
"Okay, well, all right."
226
00:10:58,005 --> 00:10:59,825
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
227
00:11:01,356 --> 00:11:03,576
That's they shit!
That's they shit, though!
228
00:11:03,619 --> 00:11:05,399
Then they...
You ever notice that a fag
229
00:11:05,447 --> 00:11:07,187
can be cussin' one
motherfucker out
230
00:11:07,231 --> 00:11:10,231
and be nice to another one
at the same time.
231
00:11:10,278 --> 00:11:12,148
At the same time,
cuss one nigga out,
232
00:11:12,193 --> 00:11:14,023
be nice to another
motherfucker walkin' by.
233
00:11:14,064 --> 00:11:15,634
Cuss a nigga out.
"Let me tell you somethin', okay?
234
00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:17,585
"Listen. No,
listen to me, okay?
235
00:11:17,633 --> 00:11:19,203
"I saw you downtown
with that guy.
236
00:11:19,243 --> 00:11:20,593
"That shit was
botherin' me.
237
00:11:20,636 --> 00:11:22,546
"It really botherin' me when
I saw you downtown.
238
00:11:22,594 --> 00:11:24,554
"I want to tell you
somethin', hold on. Wait a minute. How you doin'?
239
00:11:24,596 --> 00:11:26,116
"How you doin'?
I see you.
240
00:11:26,163 --> 00:11:27,863
"How your mother doin'?
How your mother doin'?
241
00:11:30,690 --> 00:11:32,430
"No, no, no, no, no.
I'm not finished with you, okay?
242
00:11:32,474 --> 00:11:34,694
"That shit was botherin'
me, okay?"
243
00:11:34,737 --> 00:11:36,257
Thank you!
244
00:11:36,304 --> 00:11:37,784
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
245
00:11:43,877 --> 00:11:46,177
Anybody drunk?
Anybody drunk in here?
246
00:11:46,227 --> 00:11:48,187
You ever notice how, like,
everybody got somebody
247
00:11:48,229 --> 00:11:49,929
that get drunk as hell
in their family?
248
00:11:49,970 --> 00:11:51,840
When my mother get drunk,
my uncle get drunk as hell.
249
00:11:51,885 --> 00:11:53,705
And when he get drunk
250
00:11:53,756 --> 00:11:56,056
he tries to articulate,
you know what I'm sayin'?
251
00:11:56,106 --> 00:11:58,326
And he always misses some
shit in the house.
252
00:11:58,369 --> 00:12:00,199
Always somethin' gone.
253
00:12:00,241 --> 00:12:02,331
He's tryin' to be...
He's trying to be nice, but he's still drunk.
254
00:12:02,373 --> 00:12:05,553
"Now, look here, now, uh...
255
00:12:05,594 --> 00:12:08,474
"Now, now see, look here.
Now, Mabel, I... I came down
256
00:12:08,510 --> 00:12:10,340
"the steps the other day...
257
00:12:10,381 --> 00:12:12,781
"And, uh, and I seen, uh...
258
00:12:12,819 --> 00:12:15,429
"What's Mabel older son name?
259
00:12:15,473 --> 00:12:17,953
"Mabel oldest son...
Now, now see,
260
00:12:17,998 --> 00:12:20,958
"I come up the steps and
wasn't nobody upstairs.
261
00:12:21,001 --> 00:12:24,701
"I... Now, see...
I had money on the VCR, all right?
262
00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:27,754
"Now see, wasn't nobody
but that damn Bernard
263
00:12:27,790 --> 00:12:29,790
"took my money off the VCR,
264
00:12:29,836 --> 00:12:32,656
"Mabel. I know... Mabel,
shut the fuck up!
265
00:12:32,708 --> 00:12:34,488
"I know wasn't nobody
but that there
266
00:12:34,536 --> 00:12:37,836
"Bernard took my money,
Mabel. Mabel. Mabel!"
267
00:12:39,062 --> 00:12:41,852
Thank you!
268
00:12:41,891 --> 00:12:44,551
Y'all been real good. Peace!
269
00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:48,250
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
270
00:12:54,425 --> 00:12:57,295
Yo! Give it up for Jay, y'all.
271
00:13:01,998 --> 00:13:04,908
Oh, my goodness.
That boy is stupid!
272
00:13:05,959 --> 00:13:08,309
Thank you!
273
00:13:08,352 --> 00:13:10,832
That's what the
Def Comedy Jamis all about, right there.
274
00:13:10,877 --> 00:13:13,357
That boy is crazy.
Look like had to pee. But he all good now.
275
00:13:13,401 --> 00:13:15,101
Give it up one more
time for Jay.
276
00:13:15,142 --> 00:13:17,272
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]Yeah!
277
00:13:17,318 --> 00:13:19,318
We got some people
in the house!
278
00:13:19,363 --> 00:13:22,023
There go Fat Joe.
Wassup Fat Joe? Wassup?
279
00:13:22,062 --> 00:13:24,372
That boy is nice!
280
00:13:24,412 --> 00:13:26,112
I like rappers and shit.
281
00:13:26,153 --> 00:13:28,293
I like rappers 'cause
they just be coming with mad attitude.
282
00:13:28,329 --> 00:13:31,069
Like, you know, you can't
be a happy rapper, you know what I'm sayin'?
283
00:13:31,114 --> 00:13:34,164
You can't be like, "Yeah,
I'm gettin' my shit on." They be like, "Naw!"
284
00:13:35,553 --> 00:13:37,733
You gotta have, like,
problems to be a rapper.
285
00:13:37,773 --> 00:13:39,563
Like, your shit
gotta be fucked up!
286
00:13:40,602 --> 00:13:41,692
Then it can be real.
287
00:13:41,733 --> 00:13:44,083
Like, "Yeah, motherfucker."
288
00:13:48,436 --> 00:13:50,216
And people be like, "Yeah,
you better leave him alone.
289
00:13:50,264 --> 00:13:53,054
"He ain't goin' through
some good thing right now."
290
00:13:53,093 --> 00:13:55,103
But we got more
show. We gonna keep it flowin', y'all.
291
00:13:55,138 --> 00:13:57,398
We gotta keep it goin'
'cause we got a lot, lot of comics comin' out,
292
00:13:57,445 --> 00:13:59,265
to do their thing. Hold on,
hold on. Hold up.
293
00:13:59,316 --> 00:14:00,876
Ah! Shit.
294
00:14:00,927 --> 00:14:02,967
This is fun, man.
This is cool. This is cool.
295
00:14:03,016 --> 00:14:04,576
All right, y'all ready?
Y'all ready for some more show?
296
00:14:04,626 --> 00:14:06,756
Let me hear you make
some noise.[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
297
00:14:06,802 --> 00:14:08,112
All right.
298
00:14:09,109 --> 00:14:11,109
Now,
299
00:14:11,154 --> 00:14:13,724
we gettin' ready
to go all the way to Philadelphia, P-A.
300
00:14:13,765 --> 00:14:16,415
I remember seein' this...
What? What, what, what?
301
00:14:16,464 --> 00:14:18,074
What, what's wrong
with Philly?
302
00:14:18,118 --> 00:14:20,288
I like Philly.
Got great cheesesteaks.
303
00:14:21,208 --> 00:14:22,378
[CHUCKLES]
304
00:14:22,426 --> 00:14:24,166
We goin' all the way to
Philadelphia, P-A.
305
00:14:24,211 --> 00:14:26,041
Make some noise!
306
00:14:26,082 --> 00:14:27,482
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
307
00:14:27,518 --> 00:14:29,168
And this brother that's
comin' to the stage,
308
00:14:29,216 --> 00:14:31,126
his name is Charles Walden
309
00:14:31,174 --> 00:14:33,744
and when he gets out here,
you'll see why the kid is just too, too much.
310
00:14:33,785 --> 00:14:35,785
Give it up for
Charles Walden!
311
00:14:35,831 --> 00:14:37,221
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]
312
00:14:44,492 --> 00:14:47,502
Yo! Keep it goin'
for Bill! Come on.
313
00:14:48,496 --> 00:14:49,926
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]
314
00:14:53,240 --> 00:14:55,590
How's everybody feelin'?AUDIENCE: All right.
315
00:14:55,633 --> 00:14:58,853
I'm glad y'all feelin' good
'cause I'm not.
316
00:14:58,898 --> 00:15:01,288
No, man. 'Cause I got
robbed today, man.
317
00:15:01,335 --> 00:15:03,635
I'm comin' up the 7-Eleven,
mindin' my business,
318
00:15:03,685 --> 00:15:06,335
some dude come up
to me like, "Yo, man. Gimme that wallet."
319
00:15:06,383 --> 00:15:10,263
I'm like, "Damn, all right.
You got it. Just stay cool. Just stay cool."
320
00:15:10,300 --> 00:15:12,170
He start lookin' at me like,
"What you doin'?"
321
00:15:12,215 --> 00:15:14,955
I said, "I'm takin' out
my money. You said you wanted my wallet."
322
00:15:15,001 --> 00:15:16,571
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
323
00:15:20,136 --> 00:15:24,486
Shoot, man. I... I was like,
"I'm just givin' you what the hell you asked for."
324
00:15:24,532 --> 00:15:27,972
Aw, man, but I remember one
time I saw somebody get robbed worse than me.
325
00:15:28,014 --> 00:15:31,154
I was on the subway
and this guy was asleep with a Walkman on
326
00:15:31,191 --> 00:15:34,461
and this other guy came
up to him and went, pop! "Gimme that Walkman."
327
00:15:34,498 --> 00:15:37,588
The guy took it off
and he came back and sat down next to me
328
00:15:37,632 --> 00:15:39,982
and the guy
who took it, he was like, "Don't you look at me."
329
00:15:40,026 --> 00:15:41,716
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
330
00:15:41,766 --> 00:15:44,326
"Because if you look at me,
I'm gonna shoot you."
331
00:15:44,378 --> 00:15:46,418
Now, at this point
I'm saying to myself,
332
00:15:46,467 --> 00:15:50,687
"If this guy pulls out a gun
and makes the mistake of shooting me in my head,
333
00:15:50,732 --> 00:15:53,392
"that's gonna mess up my
whole thinkin' process."
334
00:15:53,430 --> 00:15:55,220
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
335
00:16:07,444 --> 00:16:10,144
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
336
00:16:12,754 --> 00:16:15,024
But see, I'm used to
crime and violence.
337
00:16:15,061 --> 00:16:18,191
I'm used to crime and violence
because I come from a tough neighborhood.
338
00:16:18,238 --> 00:16:19,888
I didn't get
into a lot of fights,
339
00:16:19,935 --> 00:16:21,715
but the fights I did get into,
340
00:16:21,763 --> 00:16:24,243
even if I were to lose 'em,
I'd still come out as the winner
341
00:16:24,287 --> 00:16:26,327
because every time
I got beat up
342
00:16:26,376 --> 00:16:28,896
there'd be some girl standin'
there lookin' at the guy who beat me up goin',
343
00:16:28,944 --> 00:16:30,384
"Now, you know you wrong."
344
00:16:31,077 --> 00:16:32,767
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
345
00:16:41,739 --> 00:16:44,219
You know, the reason why
I didn't get into a lot of fights
346
00:16:44,264 --> 00:16:46,224
was because of the
way I walked.
347
00:16:46,266 --> 00:16:49,486
So, I admit I could talk
about people to their face and get away with it.
348
00:16:52,663 --> 00:16:55,063
'Cause see, they...
'Cause see, they just be like, "Charles,
349
00:16:55,101 --> 00:16:57,281
"you lucky you walk
like that."
350
00:16:57,320 --> 00:16:58,800
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
351
00:17:05,024 --> 00:17:06,984
"Because I swear to God
if you didn't,
352
00:17:07,026 --> 00:17:08,806
"I would knock
your ass out."
353
00:17:12,596 --> 00:17:14,416
And they shouldn't
have told me that, 'cause I'd be like,
354
00:17:14,468 --> 00:17:18,078
"Well, since you not
gonna do nothin'," I be like,
355
00:17:18,124 --> 00:17:19,564
"You know your
mom's so short,
356
00:17:19,603 --> 00:17:22,303
"she be sittin' on the
toilet swingin' her legs."
357
00:17:22,345 --> 00:17:24,475
And they be like,
"God damn it, Charles! I told you."
358
00:17:24,521 --> 00:17:27,261
I said... I... I used to
be able to make some money doin' that too,
359
00:17:27,307 --> 00:17:28,867
because if somebody
in the neighborhood
360
00:17:28,917 --> 00:17:30,917
was scared to go talk
about somebody mom to their face,
361
00:17:30,962 --> 00:17:33,662
they would come
up to me and be like, "Yo, Charles, check it out."
362
00:17:34,314 --> 00:17:35,924
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
363
00:17:38,144 --> 00:17:41,104
"I been havin' some
problems man. Look, I'll give you $10
364
00:17:41,147 --> 00:17:43,757
"if you go talk about
Leroy mom."
365
00:17:43,801 --> 00:17:47,281
I'm like, "Look, Leroy
kinda big. That's a... That's a $15 job."
366
00:17:50,939 --> 00:17:53,029
He might not be feelin'
sorry for me.
367
00:18:00,905 --> 00:18:03,035
Oh, man. And the girls
in my neighborhood,
368
00:18:03,082 --> 00:18:04,342
they used to lie to me.
369
00:18:04,387 --> 00:18:06,867
They used to tell me things
like, "Charles,
370
00:18:06,911 --> 00:18:08,781
"my stuff is so good
371
00:18:08,826 --> 00:18:11,956
"that if I were to give you
some, it would make you walk straight."
372
00:18:12,003 --> 00:18:14,013
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
373
00:18:18,184 --> 00:18:20,494
And I'm not gonna lie
to y'all, 'cause I tried.
374
00:18:22,449 --> 00:18:24,279
I would go knock on
their door three times a day
375
00:18:24,320 --> 00:18:25,500
talkin' about, "Come on.
Let's try it again
376
00:18:25,539 --> 00:18:27,759
"because last time,
my balance got better."
377
00:18:27,802 --> 00:18:29,372
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
378
00:18:33,460 --> 00:18:35,330
I don't know. Things are
goin' a lot better now.
379
00:18:35,375 --> 00:18:37,855
I moved into my own home
not too long ago
380
00:18:37,899 --> 00:18:40,029
and I was in the basement
puttin' away some boxes.
381
00:18:40,075 --> 00:18:42,505
And all of a sudden,
a big rat, about this big jumped out.
382
00:18:42,556 --> 00:18:44,556
So I ran upstairs
and got my cat,
383
00:18:44,601 --> 00:18:47,431
and about 20 minutes
later my cat come upstairs. I was like, "Yo, man.
384
00:18:47,474 --> 00:18:50,524
"Did you get that rat?"
He was like... He was like,
385
00:18:50,564 --> 00:18:52,174
"No. I want to talk
to you about that, all right?"
386
00:18:53,219 --> 00:18:54,739
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
387
00:19:04,230 --> 00:19:07,360
I also got a boatload
of roaches in my new house too.
388
00:19:07,407 --> 00:19:10,537
But as long as they live
by the rules, it's all right.
389
00:19:10,584 --> 00:19:16,984
And the rules are,
as long as they don't crawl on me, crawl on my food,
390
00:19:17,025 --> 00:19:19,375
or pop out of my clothes
at work, we all right.
391
00:19:20,289 --> 00:19:21,459
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
392
00:19:26,904 --> 00:19:29,214
Thank you very much!
Good night
393
00:19:29,255 --> 00:19:30,685
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]
394
00:19:38,655 --> 00:19:41,175
Give it up
for Charles Walden![AUDIENCE CHEERING]
395
00:19:45,271 --> 00:19:48,751
Lot of crazy stuff that
has been happening. I went down to Miami.
396
00:19:48,796 --> 00:19:51,316
Miami... I thought, like,
New York had crime locked down.
397
00:19:51,364 --> 00:19:54,804
I think Miami Beach
got crime locked down.
398
00:19:54,845 --> 00:19:57,885
The number-one crime
in Miami is carjacking.
399
00:19:57,935 --> 00:19:59,545
Pay attention!
400
00:19:59,589 --> 00:20:01,679
See, black people, we already
understand what a carjack is.
401
00:20:01,722 --> 00:20:03,772
We can feel a carjack
comin' on.
402
00:20:03,811 --> 00:20:05,511
You know what I'm sayin'?
You sittin' at the light
403
00:20:05,552 --> 00:20:07,682
and you see somebody walkin'
over to you, be like,
404
00:20:07,728 --> 00:20:10,208
"Go ahead, now.
405
00:20:10,252 --> 00:20:12,782
"I ain't in the mood
for that shit today.
406
00:20:12,820 --> 00:20:15,260
"Go on about
your business."
407
00:20:15,301 --> 00:20:17,781
And then sometimes you
act like you reachin' for some shit, right?
408
00:20:17,825 --> 00:20:20,775
You like,
"All right, now. All right!
409
00:20:20,828 --> 00:20:25,088
"Don't make me pull
this comb out now."
410
00:20:25,136 --> 00:20:29,316
You'll be like, "Please don't
let him come over here 'cause all it is is a comb!"
411
00:20:29,358 --> 00:20:30,928
But that may happen
to white people out.
412
00:20:30,968 --> 00:20:33,278
This is how... This...
Pay attention 'cause white people
413
00:20:33,319 --> 00:20:35,669
don't understand.
If you ever see a man
414
00:20:35,712 --> 00:20:38,242
comin' towards
your car like this... Pay attention. Where y'all at?
415
00:20:40,456 --> 00:20:41,846
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
416
00:20:44,460 --> 00:20:46,640
Don't roll down the window,
417
00:20:46,680 --> 00:20:48,510
"Can I help ya?"[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
418
00:20:50,510 --> 00:20:52,730
Your ass deserve to be
on the pavement.
419
00:20:53,774 --> 00:20:55,174
[CHUCKLES]
420
00:20:55,210 --> 00:20:57,390
But anyway, we gotta bring
out another comic.
421
00:20:57,430 --> 00:20:59,650
This brother right here,
every time I see him,
422
00:20:59,693 --> 00:21:01,483
he explodes on stage.
423
00:21:01,521 --> 00:21:05,311
He's very, very talented
and he deserves to be closin'
424
00:21:05,351 --> 00:21:06,481
this show tonight.
425
00:21:06,526 --> 00:21:08,176
He's from Atlanta, GA.
426
00:21:08,223 --> 00:21:11,403
He's a Southern old boy
doing his thing. This is his second time.
427
00:21:11,444 --> 00:21:14,324
He has his own comedy club
in Atlanta,
428
00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:16,490
which he rips every week.
429
00:21:16,536 --> 00:21:19,446
Ladies and gentlemen, y'all
should put your hands together for a powerful welcome
430
00:21:19,495 --> 00:21:21,235
for Earthquake, baby!
431
00:21:22,237 --> 00:21:23,717
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
432
00:21:37,165 --> 00:21:38,775
Wassup, y'all?
Show some love! Wassup?
433
00:21:40,037 --> 00:21:41,077
Damn!
434
00:21:42,301 --> 00:21:44,691
We here today.
435
00:21:44,738 --> 00:21:46,778
I don't even fuck with young,
black women.
436
00:21:46,827 --> 00:21:49,127
I love y'all to death, man,
but I don't fuck with young black women, 21, 22,
437
00:21:49,177 --> 00:21:51,137
standard's too high.
438
00:21:51,179 --> 00:21:54,879
Talk to 'em at the club,
they want everything and ain't got shit to offer.
439
00:21:54,922 --> 00:21:56,532
Talk to 'em. "What kind of
man you lookin' for?"
440
00:21:56,576 --> 00:21:58,796
"First of all, he gotta look
like Denzel,
441
00:21:58,839 --> 00:22:01,759
"have his own house,
drive a Lexucis."
442
00:22:03,147 --> 00:22:05,587
Can't even say
that shit, "Lexusisisis."
443
00:22:07,674 --> 00:22:09,764
I catch 'em when
they get 34, 35,
444
00:22:09,806 --> 00:22:12,326
when reality done
hit their ass.
445
00:22:12,374 --> 00:22:14,944
And their rent is late.
Oh, lord!
446
00:22:14,985 --> 00:22:17,115
Catch their ass
then at the club.
447
00:22:17,161 --> 00:22:18,731
"What kind a man
you looking for, girl?"
448
00:22:18,772 --> 00:22:23,392
"I'm just lookin' for a man
that's lookin' for a job.
449
00:22:23,429 --> 00:22:25,299
"Someone who'd be father
to these kids.
450
00:22:25,344 --> 00:22:28,394
"I don't give a fuck if he
look like Jimmie Walker, God knows I don't.
451
00:22:28,434 --> 00:22:30,394
"Somebody take these kids
to see Lion King,
452
00:22:30,436 --> 00:22:33,566
"give a bitch a break."
453
00:22:33,613 --> 00:22:36,403
White people, they trippin'.
Hey, we just different from y'all.
454
00:22:36,442 --> 00:22:38,402
We the same...
Hey, we different. You gotta understand,
455
00:22:38,444 --> 00:22:41,324
we don't think we better.
We know y'all ain't better. We just different.
456
00:22:41,360 --> 00:22:43,930
We even read
our bills different.
457
00:22:43,971 --> 00:22:48,281
When black people get bills,
if it just say, "Due,"
458
00:22:48,323 --> 00:22:50,593
that mean
we got 30 more days.
459
00:22:52,371 --> 00:22:54,161
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
460
00:22:55,852 --> 00:22:58,122
"Past due" mean don't answer
the phone, motherfucker.
461
00:22:58,159 --> 00:23:02,989
They lookin' for you.
Let your kids answer the phone.
462
00:23:03,033 --> 00:23:05,173
Pops, what's your old ass
doin' out here hangin' this time
463
00:23:05,209 --> 00:23:07,519
of night with that
young woman?
464
00:23:07,560 --> 00:23:10,870
You better leave her
young ass alone, or you gonna lose your benefits!
465
00:23:11,868 --> 00:23:13,388
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
466
00:23:19,049 --> 00:23:21,309
That old motherfucker, boy,
be havin' his leg up,
467
00:23:21,356 --> 00:23:23,136
"Girl, you better
put my leg down."
468
00:23:23,184 --> 00:23:25,234
What your old ass doin'
out here hangin' this time of night, man?
469
00:23:25,273 --> 00:23:27,013
You better go home.
470
00:23:27,057 --> 00:23:28,707
You gonna fuck
around and get locked out of that nursing home.
471
00:23:28,755 --> 00:23:29,835
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
472
00:23:29,886 --> 00:23:32,846
Be knockin' on the door.
"Sister Sarah!
473
00:23:32,889 --> 00:23:36,889
"It cold outside!
I need my medicine!
474
00:23:37,938 --> 00:23:39,938
"Blow the horn, Leroy!
475
00:23:39,983 --> 00:23:43,333
"I can't believe they
all asleep!
476
00:23:43,378 --> 00:23:45,208
"Let me try 'round back."
477
00:23:46,425 --> 00:23:48,075
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
478
00:23:52,779 --> 00:23:54,519
Old ass.
479
00:23:55,651 --> 00:23:58,701
Old ass out
here just hangin'.
480
00:23:58,741 --> 00:24:02,221
Ain't nothin' wrong
with gettin' old. Young women be tripping.
481
00:24:03,746 --> 00:24:05,876
That's why you gotta get
you a good woman.
482
00:24:05,922 --> 00:24:08,492
You understand?
You gotta get you a good-ass woman.
483
00:24:08,534 --> 00:24:11,844
These young women,
21, 22, want you to make love all night long.
484
00:24:11,885 --> 00:24:13,495
Look here, let me tell
your ass something.
485
00:24:13,539 --> 00:24:17,279
No man can make love
all night long, so stop askin'.
486
00:24:17,325 --> 00:24:19,585
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
487
00:24:19,632 --> 00:24:23,462
Puttin' pressure on real men
like me, Kid Capri, and old pimp.
488
00:24:24,158 --> 00:24:25,768
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
489
00:24:35,648 --> 00:24:38,908
Tell 'em, Pops. Ain't no
love all night. I had a young woman just like you, man.
490
00:24:38,955 --> 00:24:41,825
Little 21-year-old talkin'
about, "Earthquake, make love to me all night long."
491
00:24:41,871 --> 00:24:43,571
I'm like, "Shit.
492
00:24:43,612 --> 00:24:46,792
"Baby, makin' love to me
is like a heavyweight championship fight.
493
00:24:46,833 --> 00:24:49,013
"Oh, it's scheduled for
12 rounds..."
494
00:24:49,052 --> 00:24:50,492
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
495
00:24:50,532 --> 00:24:52,012
"But it's gonna end early."
496
00:24:57,191 --> 00:25:00,721
Oh, the first two rounds
gonna be a motherfucker. Pay-per-view,
497
00:25:00,760 --> 00:25:03,630
but once you knock me out,
the fight is over.
498
00:25:03,676 --> 00:25:06,236
And I'mma expect you to go
to your corner... [LAUGHS]
499
00:25:08,071 --> 00:25:11,641
And I'm gonna go to my corner.
I'm Earthquake, y'all. Peace!
500
00:25:11,684 --> 00:25:13,254
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]
501
00:25:21,955 --> 00:25:24,905
Give it up for
Earthquake, y'all.
502
00:25:27,308 --> 00:25:31,048
And I'd like to bring the
maestro behind the scenes to come up and do his thing.
503
00:25:31,094 --> 00:25:32,884
Ladies and gentlemen,
Russell Simmons.
504
00:25:34,097 --> 00:25:37,137
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
505
00:25:37,187 --> 00:25:39,667
Thank you all for coming out.
God bless you. Good night.
506
00:25:40,582 --> 00:25:41,892
[MUSIC PLAYING]
507
00:25:41,942 --> 00:25:46,492
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
40415
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
