Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

KID CAPRI: Straight out of New York City,

it's the Russell Simmons' Def Comedy All Star Jam!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Put your hands together for my man, Mr. J. Anthony Brown!

[HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Oh shit!

Ooh, Lord... [GROANS] Damn!

Ooh, you know fat people can't dance too long.

Fat people got about four minutes' worth of dancing.

They can get down for about four minutes just jammin' then,

"Ooh, Lord, I'm tired.

"Ooh lord. Y'all go ahead and do the electric slide.

"Go ahead, I'm..."

How y'all doing?

It's gonna be all right. We gonna go quick.

It's gonna go quick.

We ain't gonna be here too late.

Lot of y'all got curfews and shit, got to get home.

Look at y'all been laughing. Especially you women, right?

Some of you women got to answer to someone.

Say we stay in here 'til 4:00 in the morning.

Some of y'all got to answer to some damned body.

Now, some of y'all, "But, hey, ain't nobody gonna say shit to me.

"I'll stay out as long as I want to!" That's bullshit!

You go home 4:00 if you want.

You got to deal somebody. "What? They was laughin'!

"Everybody... Everybody was laughin'!

"They was laughin'! They was...

"They was tellin' jokes and laughin'. They was...

"They was laughin'!"

"I didn't... My ride didn't leave! My ride didn't leave!

"They was laughin'!"

[IMITATES CRYING]

"They was laughin'.

"They was just laughin' down there."

That's some of y'all, right?

Some of y'all ladies run shit in your house, right, ladies? Huh?

"You better not be lookin' at your watch!

"What the fuck you doing lookin' at your watch?

"I'll punch your motherfuckin' ass out!

"Ask me what time... Look at your...

"I'll punch your ass out!

"Ask me what damn time I'm...

"What? Look at it, I'll punch the...

"Punch your ass... What?"

I peed the bed 'til I was 18 years old. I really did.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Raise your hand if you peed the bed. Don't y'all try to get cute out here.

Y'all know there's some bed wetters, right?

Remember that dream you had? Remember that dream you had,

that you go into the restroom? Remember that, huh?

Huh? [LAUGHS]

Huh? And you'll be straight pissin' in the bed, huh?

You'll be marching in the dream.

"Momma gonna be proud of me, boy."

Huh? Momma gonna whup your ass!

[LAUGHS]

And then, if you peed in my momma's bed, you peed in Anthony Brown...

You got that pee-in-the-bed ass-whupping. Remember that?

That pee-in-the-bed ass... That...

That real serious ass...

"I know damn well you ain't let your motherfuckin' ass up here and...

"And piss in my damn bed like that!

"Lazy bastard, too lazy! Move... Move... Move your hand!

"Move... Move your goddamn hand!

"Every damn day gotta clean up piss-ass sheet!

"Move... Move... Move... Move your fuckin' hand!

"Oh, you piss tomorrow. Piss tomorrow.

"Go to sleep, and you better not piss tomorrow."

Piss tomorrow?

Shit, you can't go to sleep, you're traumatized!

It's a wonder you don't shit in the bed, huh?

No, you shit in the bed, she'd beat the fuck... "I know damn well..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"And shit in my. Move... Move... Move... Move your fuckin' hand!

"That is... Shit in the bed like that!

"Lazy bastard! Move... Move... Move...

"Move your fuckin' hand!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[LAUGHS]

Are we having fun now, boy?

We're having fun. This goes out... This...

This is a moment for O.J.

'Cause y'all know O.J. out there lookin' for the killer, right?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[LAUGHS]

O.J... [LAUGHS]

O.J... [LAUGHS]

O.J. on the golf course, lookin' for the killer!

[LAUGHS]

How many people think O.J. did it? How many people think he did it?

How many people think he didn't do it? How many people think he didn't do it?

All right, watch this. Watch this. How many people don't give a God damn?

[CROWD CHEERING]

So, see, everybody do O.J. jokes.

I do O.J. Jokes, too. In all...

All, you know, in all likelihood he's innocent.

And I didn't write any new jokes 'cause, you know, I wrote innocent jokes,

so I ain't writing no damned...

I got guilty jokes. I ain't doing innocent jokes,

so fuck it, you know what I'm saying?

So I wrote a song. I have a O.J. song.

A lot of people have jokes. Anybody can do a damn joke about O.J.

I have an O.J. song.

Actually, I have two. I'm a do one for you right now.

Before I do it, I want to ask y'all a question.

How early...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

How early do you have to get to the laundromat

to beat Puerto Ricans in that motherfucker? How early do you have to get in?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I'm just... How early?

Do they be in there, or what? They be in that motherfucker!

You go by there 4:00 in the morning, they in there, God damn it!

And don't think just 'cause one in there

that you can use a washer or dryer. They have...

One, they have 'em all jammed up!

You ever go in there and try to check the washers and driers.

Be like, "God damn, what the fuck...

"Left all this wet shit in here?

"Who the... Son of a bitch!"

[LAUGHING]

Are y'all ready to rock? You ready to have a good time? Put your hands together.

All the way... Coming all the way from Brooklyn, New York, y'all.

Please give it up for Mr. Mike Yard, in the house!

Wassup, brothas and sistas?

AUDIENCE: Wassup?Yeah, oh man, this is some beautiful just, dude, black.

Ooh, look at this. We got a few white people sprinkled throughout this motherfucker.

No, it's cool. Don't get nervous.

I'm not gonna talk about you, you know, 'cause I like white people.

I like 'em. Don't, you know, you know. I even like hangin' out with white people.

You know, it's not that I'm trying to prove anything.

It's just that white people

tend to offer to buy you shit a lot quicker than brothas do.

They do, they... You ever notice that shit? You go in a white...

In a bar, and see one of your white friends and he's half drunk.

He's like, "Dude, dude, fucking dude."

[EXCLAIMS]

"You drinkin', dude?

"Bonus!" [EXCLAIMS]

"What you drinkin', man?

"Oh come on, Hennessey, dude? That's a sissy's drink, man.

"What you need's a man's drink."

"Hey, barkeep,

"hook my man up here with a Harvey Wallbanger."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"Put it on my tab." 'Cause they always got a tab.

You will never find a brotha with a tab.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

You won't, 'cause you can't give a brotha no tab.

That motherfucker will drink all week!

You see him at the end of the week, you be like,

"Yo, man, you gonna take care of that tab?" He be like, "Tab...

"Tab? Brotha, I had some Hennessey, a sex on the beach.

"I don't remember drinking no tab!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"Soda is not my thing!

"I am an alcoholic. That's how I roll. I am a drunk."

You know, 'cause we don't understand that shit.

That shit's like credit. And brothas, I don't give

a fuck how much y'all front for the ladies,

y'all know we don't get that concept.

"Hold on, hold on, hold on.

"You gonna give me some shit up front?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"And trust me to pay for that shit later?

"Are you losing your fuckin' mind?"

You know, brothas, 'cause white people, they can handle that shit.

White people get their bills, what they do? "Honey, get the checkbook.

"Gotta pay the bills."

Brothas, we get our bills, what we do?

We be like, "I got two more weeks before this bill is due."

That two weeks pass, we be like, "They usually give you one more week."

Y'all know how we do!

'Cause white people can do that shit.

They got the money. They go right down there. White...

White people don't care how much the bill is.

Phone bill could be $1,000.

They go right down there. "Here you go!

"Had to get it off my chest!"

Brothas, our phone bill is $1,000, we go down there,

but we want to find out the minimum amount we got to pay.

Y'all know what the fuck I'm talkin' about!

We all do that shit!

We got a few more calls to make, you know?

'Cause it's rough for brothas out here.

They're always fuckin' with us. Don't y'all get tired of shit? Police?

They got me the other day. Gonna arrest me over some bullshit.

You know, and I'm saying that 'cause that's what everybody say

when they get locked up. You ever notice that shit?

Soon as a brotha get locked up, he call you,

"Yo, uh, they got me on some bullshit.

"No, they gonna say I stabbed a brotha."

"How you gonna say I stabbed a brotha?

"When you saw me, I was pullin' the knife out the brotha!

"I don't know who put the knife in him!"

You know?

Everybody say that. I don't give a damn who you are.

As soon as they put them cuffs on you, it's bullshit.

You know them brothas... You know them guys

that blew up the World Trade Center said that shit.

You know when they put them cuffs on...

[IN ARABIC ACCENT] "Hold on, wait a minute.

"Hold on, wait. No, wait. Hold on...

"I am having a few questions.

"Hold on. What you say?

"I blew up the World Trade Center?

"Well, this is bullshit!

"Come on, you know it's bullshit!

"Allah, help me!"

[NORMAL ACCENT] That's the first person they wrote to, right?

[IN ARABIC ACCENT] "Allah!

"It's bullshit, Allah!

"Where is the bullshit coming from?"

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Yo, shout out to my little man, Nate Kwon.

My name is Mike Yard. Y'all been beautiful!

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh...

[IMITATES CRYING]

Love this show. Anybody here not working?

Anybody here don't have a job? Raise your hand. You know who you are.

I know you're trying to get cute.

Yeah, it was free to get in.

That's why all y'all here, huh? [LAUGHS]

Yeah, it's tough when you don't have a job.

And a lot of stuff you can't say when you ain't workin'.

Shit like, "Fill it up." You can't say that, huh?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

You ain't fillin' up a goddamn thing, huh?

You go to the gas station, you're like, "A nickel on pump two," huh?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

A nickel on pump two.

I love this job. This the best job I ever had in my life.

I've had all kind of jobs. I was a repo man one time.

How many people know what a repo man is?

That's the guy that come get your car when you don't make the payments.

He have to come get it, 'cause y'all won't bring it back, damn it.

Call y'all on the phone and you lie,

"Oh, he ain't here," and you hang up the damn phone.

Hide the shit around the corner, and walk home.

Come home from work, be tired as fuck.

"Ooh Lord, I'm tired.

"Had to hide my car from the repo man."

I was a repo man one time.

I took a guy's car from a funeral.

AUDIENCE: Oh...Hey, hey, hey, hey!

That was my damn job, was to take his shit.

I took his car... It was my job.

I knew his mom passed away,

and I waited until he went in, and I took his car.

Tickled the hell out of me.

'Cause you know when you come from a funeral, you all distraught.

You be cryin' and stuff, you know?

He was... He was like, "Oh, God, Momma!

"Momma's dead! No, Momma!

"Momma! Momma...

"Who in the fuck took my car?"

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

"Motherfucker took my car!"

You know? And the... The family were like,

"Man, what about Mom?"

He like, "Man, motherfuck Momma. Shit!

"Goddamn it, Momma had a ride up here, okay?

"And when Momma get where she goin', she ain't got to go no place else!

"I got to go to work in the morning!"

Are y'all ready for your next comedian?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!All right.

Well, coming at you all from Charlotte, North Carolina,

put your hands together. Y'all give it up to him,

for Mr. Nick Lewis, in the house!

What's up, Def Jam? How y'all doing in here tonight?

AUDIENCE: All right.

I'm gon' tell you, I ain't coming here for no bullshit,

'cause I'm not your average comedian.

Your average comedian gon' come out here and say,

"Ladies, give it up because you look good tonight."

Fuck that shit!

I seen some of you hos.

Some of you don't need to be clappin'!

Some of you know you're wrong for that shit!

And if you know who you are, you need to stop that shit.

So now I'm gon' say it. Ladies, give it up.

If you're sitting next to somebody, tap her ugly ass.

Tell her, "He ain't talking to you.

"Put your hands down, shut your fuckin' mouth up,

"and let the show go on!"

Yes, sir!

Because the lies is gon' stop tonight.

The lies is gon' stop.

I wanna talk to you white people.

Not because I'm racist, but I wanna speak to you

as the representative for the black people.

White folks, stop lying about the job situation.

If I'm not gon' get the motherfuckin' job,

then don't have my black ass waiting

at home by the phone all day.

That's what I'm saying.

If I'm not gon' get the job, then don't have me buying that special kind of tea,

trying to clean the marijuana up out my system!

I can buy more blunts with that money!

Stop the lies! Stop the lies!

Stop these motherfuckin' lies!

Yes, sir!

White folks, if your gon' lay me off,

call me before I come in.

Don't have me working all day, talkin' about,

"We don't need you no more!" That's bullshit!

You're gon' piss me off!

I'mma tell you what you don't need.

You don't need this shit I'm about to steal up out of here!

Some of you got stolen shit on there, but that's all right.

I don't wanna be hard on the white people,

I just wanna help 'em out,

help them save they shit.

So let's just say tonight is Tuesday.

White people, you tell me my last night workin' is Thursday?

Well, you better make sure my black ass out Wednesday,

or you gon' find all your shit missing Friday!

Stop it, white folks!

Just done got out of hand.

And I'm gon' tell you. And some of you sistas, you lyin'.

You brothers meet her. They say, "Well, I ain't had sex in six months."

Brother, you can figure that shit out.

It happened to me.

I got ready to knock the boots, right?

So I pulled her legs open, looked at the damn boots.

They had been knocked so much they looked like ran over hush puppies!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Stop these motherfuckin' lies!

But before I leave, I'mma talk to you brothas.

Quit lying to the sistas that you got jobs.

Quit lying to the sistas that you gon' go downtown.

Because I'm telling you, sista, I ain't going downtown

'cause I went down there and it was fucked up.

Garbage all out in front of the building. It's smelling bad downtown.

You know, what the fuck I'm saying?

But that's why I'm gon' tell you.

Because so you can know if the woman downtown ain't clean.

See, it happened to me.

See, in my bedroom, I got jungle shit everywhere.

Jungle bedspread, jungle curtains, jungle floor mats.

And the pussy smell came out,

the lions jumped the fuck up off

the bedspread and said, "Roar! Roar!"

My name is Nick Lewis, and I'm out of here!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

All right, yeah.

That's some... That stank right there, huh?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Y'all ready for the lady, right? Time for the lady?

Time for the lady. Time for the lady to come up

and give a lady's point of view.

All right, this is my girl here, all the way from

Los Angeles, California, y'all.

Y'all show her some love. Give it up to her, make her feel welcome, y'all.

Miss Hope Flood, in the house!

What's up, New York?

AUDIENCE: Yeah...

I'm drunker than a motherfucker.

You know you be drunk, you just say, "Fuckin' shit!"

Somebody be about to rip that ass, you be like, "Fuckin' shit!

"I'm tryin' to get my drink on. Fuck all y'all."

Don't nobody give a fuck about O.J. and all that old punk ass shit.

Niggas just want to know when is the next riot?

Fuck that.

Niggas just want to steal some shit.

Fuck that.

I thought the motherfucker was gonna be guilty.

I was just going in the stores trying on shit.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

They're like, "You gon' buy that?"

They're like, "You gon' buy that?"

I'm like, "No, I'll wait for the riot. Fuck that."

You know what I'm saying? Fuck all that shit.

They had a bitch in jail, too, y'all. Jail is a trip, but...

Matter of fact, you look familiar.

You owe me four cigarettes, bitch. All right?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Jail is a trip.

Bitches jump up 6:00 in the morning,

taking showers, putting on make-up,

blow-drying their hair. Like, "Hold up. Hold up.

"Is the brothas from the county jail about to come over here?

"We about to party in this motherfucker."

These bitches was getting dressed up for each other.

I was like, "Let a bitch out!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

And then you turn the light out at night, all you heard was,

[MAKES KISSING SOUNDS] I said, "Let a bitch out!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"I ain't gon' do it no more!"

I was in jail four days. That was the longest time. I didn't brush my teeth.

You see I still ain't comb my motherfuckin hair.

I didn't take no shower.

I said, "If these bitches want any of this pussy, they got to be awful desperate"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"'cause it's funkier than a motherfucker."

And I don't love them hos. Fuck that!

Men, just be honest.

Men, just be honest in what the fuck you want from us. Am I right, ladies?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

If you just want to fuck, say so.

'Cause half the time, that's all we want to do, too!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

You know...

You know, it's all about punk ass promises.

"I'mma take the kids to the park.

"I'mma buy you a refrigerator.

"I'mma get your shit off layaway."

Hell yeah, I'mma blow your pager up.

I want the promises, motherfucker!

And men brag about what they have, don't they ladies?

They got a big dick and all that old punk ass shit, right?

And I'm sorry, ladies, we tramps.

We gon' find out if this dick is good.

I know I am. Don't let the fat fool you, I'mma fuckin', now!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

I'm saying, I went over to this one nigga house,

he went from hard to hard to find, y'all.

Dick was so small, I went down to give him head,

it was like smokin' a joint. I said, "Fuck..." [INHALES SHARPLY]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

'Cause ladies know... Ladies know if he got a dick like a hamster,

he better have a tongue like a rattlesnake. Am I right?

Fuck the bullshit!

Fuck that shit!

You know what I'm saying? And you niggas who ain't eatin' pussy right,

we want you to quit it.

You know what I'm saying? Motherfuckers want to eat

all around the motherfuckin' pussy,

fuckin' with a bitch. I will stab you in the forehead

with a rusty butter knife, fuckin' with me.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Eat that shit right, or you can fuck off away from me!

Fucker, what's wrong with you?

You know what I'm saying? And you light-skinned men,

you're too motherfuckin' colorful.

Your dick one color, your balls another color.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

You know what I'm saying?

Got ring around the ass, looking like a walking rainbow, God damn it!

I want me a black man, stallion motherfuckin' black, God damn it.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

My name's Hope Flood I love you!

All right, all right.

AUDIENCE: Yeah.

All right, y'all had a good time?

AUDIENCE: Yeah.All right, give it up

for my main man who put all this together, y'all.

Let's hear it for him, Mr. Russell Simmons!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

ANTHONY BROWN: Thank you, man!

Thank y'all for coming out. God bless you. Good night!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

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