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00:00:06,049 --> 00:00:07,489
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
2
00:00:07,529 --> 00:00:09,049
KID CAPRI: Straight out of
New York City,
3
00:00:09,096 --> 00:00:12,576
it's the Russell Simmons'
Def Comedy All Star Jam!
4
00:00:12,621 --> 00:00:15,191
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
5
00:00:33,120 --> 00:00:38,950
Put your hands together
for my man, Mr. J. Anthony Brown!
6
00:00:49,136 --> 00:00:50,436
[HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING]
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00:00:51,399 --> 00:00:52,839
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
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00:01:06,153 --> 00:01:08,553
Oh shit!
9
00:01:08,590 --> 00:01:12,940
Ooh, Lord...
[GROANS] Damn!
10
00:01:12,985 --> 00:01:15,765
Ooh, you know
fat people can't dance too long.
11
00:01:15,814 --> 00:01:17,954
Fat people got about four
minutes' worth of dancing.
12
00:01:17,990 --> 00:01:20,380
They can get down for
about four minutes just jammin' then,
13
00:01:20,428 --> 00:01:22,338
"Ooh, Lord, I'm tired.
14
00:01:22,386 --> 00:01:23,816
"Ooh lord. Y'all go ahead
and do the electric slide.
15
00:01:23,866 --> 00:01:25,346
"Go ahead, I'm..."
16
00:01:25,389 --> 00:01:26,699
How y'all doing?
17
00:01:26,738 --> 00:01:27,998
It's gonna be all right.
We gonna go quick.
18
00:01:28,044 --> 00:01:29,444
It's gonna go quick.
19
00:01:29,480 --> 00:01:31,090
We ain't gonna
be here too late.
20
00:01:31,134 --> 00:01:33,754
Lot of y'all got curfews
and shit, got to get home.
21
00:01:33,789 --> 00:01:36,439
Look at y'all been laughing.
Especially you women, right?
22
00:01:36,487 --> 00:01:37,837
Some of you women got
to answer to someone.
23
00:01:37,880 --> 00:01:40,190
Say we stay in here
'til 4:00 in the morning.
24
00:01:40,230 --> 00:01:42,100
Some of y'all got to answer
to some damned body.
25
00:01:42,145 --> 00:01:45,145
Now, some of y'all,
"But, hey, ain't nobody gonna say shit to me.
26
00:01:45,192 --> 00:01:48,022
"I'll stay out as long
as I want to!" That's bullshit!
27
00:01:48,064 --> 00:01:49,504
You go home
4:00 if you want.
28
00:01:49,544 --> 00:01:51,554
You got to deal somebody.
"What? They was laughin'!
29
00:01:51,589 --> 00:01:54,239
"Everybody...
Everybody was laughin'!
30
00:01:54,288 --> 00:01:56,328
"They was laughin'!
They was...
31
00:01:56,377 --> 00:01:58,807
"They was tellin' jokes
and laughin'. They was...
32
00:01:58,857 --> 00:02:01,157
"They was laughin'!"
33
00:02:01,208 --> 00:02:04,598
"I didn't...
My ride didn't leave! My ride didn't leave!
34
00:02:04,646 --> 00:02:06,466
"They was laughin'!"
35
00:02:06,517 --> 00:02:08,167
[IMITATES CRYING]
36
00:02:08,215 --> 00:02:09,905
"They was laughin'.
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00:02:11,957 --> 00:02:14,257
"They was just
laughin' down there."
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00:02:14,308 --> 00:02:16,348
That's some of y'all, right?
39
00:02:16,397 --> 00:02:18,617
Some of y'all ladies
run shit in your house, right, ladies? Huh?
40
00:02:18,660 --> 00:02:20,100
"You better not be
lookin' at your watch!
41
00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:22,400
"What the fuck you doing
lookin' at your watch?
42
00:02:22,446 --> 00:02:24,356
"I'll punch your
motherfuckin' ass out!
43
00:02:24,405 --> 00:02:25,745
"Ask me what time...
Look at your...
44
00:02:25,797 --> 00:02:27,537
"I'll punch your ass out!
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00:02:27,582 --> 00:02:28,892
"Ask me what
damn time I'm...
46
00:02:28,931 --> 00:02:31,151
"What? Look at it,
I'll punch the...
47
00:02:33,370 --> 00:02:35,200
"Punch your ass...
What?"
48
00:02:38,897 --> 00:02:41,417
I peed the bed 'til
I was 18 years old. I really did.
49
00:02:41,465 --> 00:02:43,635
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
50
00:02:43,685 --> 00:02:46,945
Raise your hand if you peed
the bed. Don't y'all try to get cute out here.
51
00:02:46,992 --> 00:02:49,212
Y'all know there's
some bed wetters, right?
52
00:02:49,256 --> 00:02:51,516
Remember that dream you had?
Remember that dream you had,
53
00:02:51,562 --> 00:02:53,832
that you go into the restroom?
Remember that, huh?
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00:02:53,869 --> 00:02:56,129
Huh? [LAUGHS]
55
00:02:56,176 --> 00:02:59,606
Huh? And you'll
be straight pissin' in the bed, huh?
56
00:02:59,657 --> 00:03:00,917
You'll be marching
in the dream.
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00:03:00,963 --> 00:03:02,923
"Momma gonna be
proud of me, boy."
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00:03:02,965 --> 00:03:05,705
Huh? Momma gonna
whup your ass!
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00:03:05,750 --> 00:03:07,880
[LAUGHS]
60
00:03:07,926 --> 00:03:09,616
And then, if you peed in
my momma's bed, you peed in Anthony Brown...
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00:03:09,667 --> 00:03:11,707
You got that pee-in-the-bed
ass-whupping. Remember that?
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00:03:11,756 --> 00:03:13,236
That pee-in-the-bed ass...
That...
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00:03:13,280 --> 00:03:15,150
That real serious ass...
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00:03:15,195 --> 00:03:18,845
"I know damn well you ain't
let your motherfuckin' ass up here and...
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00:03:18,894 --> 00:03:21,724
"And piss in my
damn bed like that!
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00:03:21,766 --> 00:03:23,856
"Lazy bastard, too lazy!
Move... Move... Move your hand!
67
00:03:23,899 --> 00:03:26,469
"Move...
Move your goddamn hand!
68
00:03:26,510 --> 00:03:29,300
"Every damn day gotta
clean up piss-ass sheet!
69
00:03:29,339 --> 00:03:31,649
"Move... Move... Move...
Move your fuckin' hand!
70
00:03:33,256 --> 00:03:35,906
"Oh, you piss tomorrow.
Piss tomorrow.
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00:03:35,954 --> 00:03:37,834
"Go to sleep, and you
better not piss tomorrow."
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00:03:37,869 --> 00:03:39,389
Piss tomorrow?
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00:03:39,436 --> 00:03:42,046
Shit, you can't go to sleep,
you're traumatized!
74
00:03:42,091 --> 00:03:44,661
It's a wonder you don't
shit in the bed, huh?
75
00:03:44,702 --> 00:03:47,442
No, you shit in the bed,
she'd beat the fuck... "I know damn well..."
76
00:03:47,488 --> 00:03:50,578
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
77
00:03:50,621 --> 00:03:54,191
"And shit in my.
Move... Move... Move... Move your fuckin' hand!
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00:03:54,234 --> 00:03:56,894
"That is...
Shit in the bed like that!
79
00:03:56,932 --> 00:03:59,062
"Lazy bastard!
Move... Move... Move...
80
00:03:59,108 --> 00:04:00,538
"Move your fuckin' hand!"
81
00:04:04,069 --> 00:04:05,249
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
82
00:04:08,683 --> 00:04:09,993
[LAUGHS]
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00:04:10,032 --> 00:04:12,562
Are we having fun
now, boy?
84
00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:14,170
We're having fun.
This goes out... This...
85
00:04:14,210 --> 00:04:16,210
This is a moment for O.J.
86
00:04:16,256 --> 00:04:18,296
'Cause y'all know O.J.
out there lookin' for the killer, right?
87
00:04:18,345 --> 00:04:19,645
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
88
00:04:23,654 --> 00:04:25,004
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
89
00:04:28,703 --> 00:04:30,013
[LAUGHS]
90
00:04:30,052 --> 00:04:31,622
O.J... [LAUGHS]
91
00:04:31,662 --> 00:04:33,232
O.J... [LAUGHS]
92
00:04:33,273 --> 00:04:34,713
O.J. on the golf course,
lookin' for the killer!
93
00:04:36,450 --> 00:04:38,540
[LAUGHS]
94
00:04:38,582 --> 00:04:41,112
How many people think O.J.
did it? How many people think he did it?
95
00:04:41,150 --> 00:04:45,630
How many people think
he didn't do it? How many people think he didn't do it?
96
00:04:45,676 --> 00:04:48,636
All right, watch this.
Watch this. How many people don't give a God damn?
97
00:04:48,679 --> 00:04:50,459
[CROWD CHEERING]
98
00:04:53,989 --> 00:04:55,729
So, see, everybody do
O.J. jokes.
99
00:04:55,773 --> 00:04:57,343
I do O.J.
Jokes, too. In all...
100
00:04:57,384 --> 00:04:59,604
All, you know, in all
likelihood he's innocent.
101
00:04:59,647 --> 00:05:01,477
And I didn't write any
new jokes 'cause, you know, I wrote innocent jokes,
102
00:05:01,518 --> 00:05:03,298
so I ain't writing
no damned...
103
00:05:03,346 --> 00:05:04,646
I got guilty jokes.
I ain't doing innocent jokes,
104
00:05:04,695 --> 00:05:06,035
so fuck it, you know
what I'm saying?
105
00:05:06,088 --> 00:05:08,128
So I wrote a song.
I have a O.J. song.
106
00:05:08,177 --> 00:05:11,007
A lot of people have jokes.
Anybody can do a damn joke about O.J.
107
00:05:11,049 --> 00:05:13,099
I have an O.J. song.
108
00:05:13,138 --> 00:05:15,578
Actually, I have two.
I'm a do one for you right now.
109
00:05:15,619 --> 00:05:17,489
Before I do it, I want to
ask y'all a question.
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00:05:18,361 --> 00:05:19,881
How early...
111
00:05:20,972 --> 00:05:22,452
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
112
00:05:22,496 --> 00:05:24,796
How early do you have
to get to the laundromat
113
00:05:24,846 --> 00:05:26,276
to beat Puerto Ricans in that
motherfucker? How early do you have to get in?
114
00:05:26,326 --> 00:05:27,366
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
115
00:05:27,414 --> 00:05:29,814
I'm just...
How early?
116
00:05:29,851 --> 00:05:33,071
Do they be in there, or what?
They be in that motherfucker!
117
00:05:33,115 --> 00:05:36,375
You go by there 4:00
in the morning, they in there, God damn it!
118
00:05:36,423 --> 00:05:38,033
And don't think
just 'cause one in there
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00:05:38,076 --> 00:05:39,686
that you can use a washer
or dryer. They have...
120
00:05:39,730 --> 00:05:41,860
One, they have 'em
all jammed up!
121
00:05:41,906 --> 00:05:43,866
You ever go in there
and try to check the washers and driers.
122
00:05:43,908 --> 00:05:45,348
Be like, "God damn,
what the fuck...
123
00:05:45,388 --> 00:05:46,868
"Left all this
wet shit in here?
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00:05:46,911 --> 00:05:48,831
"Who the... Son of a bitch!"
125
00:05:49,566 --> 00:05:51,916
[LAUGHING]
126
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Are y'all ready to rock?
You ready to have a good time? Put your hands together.
127
00:05:54,049 --> 00:05:56,699
All the way...
Coming all the way from Brooklyn, New York, y'all.
128
00:05:56,747 --> 00:05:59,787
Please give it up for
Mr. Mike Yard, in the house!
129
00:06:08,280 --> 00:06:10,850
Wassup, brothas
and sistas?
130
00:06:10,892 --> 00:06:15,242
AUDIENCE: Wassup?Yeah, oh man, this is some
beautiful just, dude, black.
131
00:06:15,287 --> 00:06:19,287
Ooh, look at this. We got
a few white people sprinkled throughout this motherfucker.
132
00:06:19,335 --> 00:06:21,155
No, it's cool.
Don't get nervous.
133
00:06:21,206 --> 00:06:23,556
I'm not gonna talk
about you, you know, 'cause I like white people.
134
00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:26,260
I like 'em. Don't, you know,
you know. I even like hangin' out with white people.
135
00:06:26,298 --> 00:06:29,038
You know, it's not that
I'm trying to prove anything.
136
00:06:29,084 --> 00:06:31,614
It's just that white people
137
00:06:31,652 --> 00:06:35,222
tend to offer to buy you shit
a lot quicker than brothas do.
138
00:06:35,264 --> 00:06:37,314
They do, they...
You ever notice that shit? You go in a white...
139
00:06:37,353 --> 00:06:39,273
In a bar, and see
one of your white friends and he's half drunk.
140
00:06:39,311 --> 00:06:43,191
He's like, "Dude, dude,
fucking dude."
141
00:06:43,228 --> 00:06:44,928
[EXCLAIMS]
142
00:06:44,969 --> 00:06:47,019
"You drinkin', dude?
143
00:06:47,058 --> 00:06:49,018
"Bonus!" [EXCLAIMS]
144
00:06:50,801 --> 00:06:52,541
"What you drinkin', man?
145
00:06:52,586 --> 00:06:55,846
"Oh come on, Hennessey, dude?
That's a sissy's drink, man.
146
00:06:55,893 --> 00:06:58,113
"What you need's
a man's drink."
147
00:06:58,156 --> 00:06:59,766
"Hey, barkeep,
148
00:06:59,810 --> 00:07:01,990
"hook my man up here
with a Harvey Wallbanger."
149
00:07:02,030 --> 00:07:03,600
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
150
00:07:03,640 --> 00:07:05,510
"Put it on my tab."
'Cause they always got a tab.
151
00:07:05,555 --> 00:07:08,245
You will never find
a brotha with a tab.
152
00:07:08,297 --> 00:07:09,687
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
153
00:07:09,733 --> 00:07:11,173
You won't, 'cause you
can't give a brotha no tab.
154
00:07:11,213 --> 00:07:14,433
That motherfucker
will drink all week!
155
00:07:14,477 --> 00:07:16,257
You see him at the
end of the week, you be like,
156
00:07:16,305 --> 00:07:19,175
"Yo, man, you gonna
take care of that tab?" He be like, "Tab...
157
00:07:19,221 --> 00:07:22,181
"Tab? Brotha, I had some
Hennessey, a sex on the beach.
158
00:07:22,224 --> 00:07:24,274
"I don't remember
drinking no tab!"
159
00:07:24,313 --> 00:07:25,753
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
160
00:07:25,793 --> 00:07:27,663
"Soda is not my thing!
161
00:07:27,708 --> 00:07:30,748
"I am an alcoholic.
That's how I roll. I am a drunk."
162
00:07:30,798 --> 00:07:32,408
You know, 'cause we don't
understand that shit.
163
00:07:32,452 --> 00:07:33,892
That shit's like credit.
And brothas, I don't give
164
00:07:33,931 --> 00:07:35,281
a fuck how much
y'all front for the ladies,
165
00:07:35,324 --> 00:07:36,724
y'all know we don't
get that concept.
166
00:07:36,760 --> 00:07:38,110
"Hold on, hold on, hold on.
167
00:07:38,153 --> 00:07:40,203
"You gonna give me some shit
up front?"
168
00:07:40,242 --> 00:07:41,852
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
169
00:07:41,896 --> 00:07:44,806
"And trust me to pay
for that shit later?
170
00:07:44,855 --> 00:07:47,155
"Are you losing
your fuckin' mind?"
171
00:07:47,205 --> 00:07:49,375
You know, brothas,
'cause white people, they can handle that shit.
172
00:07:49,425 --> 00:07:51,985
White people get their bills,
what they do? "Honey, get the checkbook.
173
00:07:52,036 --> 00:07:53,386
"Gotta pay the bills."
174
00:07:53,429 --> 00:07:55,389
Brothas, we get our bills,
what we do?
175
00:07:55,431 --> 00:07:58,521
We be like,
"I got two more weeks before this bill is due."
176
00:07:58,565 --> 00:08:02,525
That two weeks pass,
we be like, "They usually give you one more week."
177
00:08:02,569 --> 00:08:04,439
Y'all know how we do!
178
00:08:04,484 --> 00:08:06,314
'Cause white people
can do that shit.
179
00:08:06,355 --> 00:08:07,655
They got the money.
They go right down there. White...
180
00:08:07,704 --> 00:08:08,844
White people don't care
how much the bill is.
181
00:08:08,879 --> 00:08:10,319
Phone bill could be $1,000.
182
00:08:10,359 --> 00:08:12,539
They go right down there.
"Here you go!
183
00:08:12,579 --> 00:08:14,669
"Had to get it off my chest!"
184
00:08:14,711 --> 00:08:17,671
Brothas, our phone bill
is $1,000, we go down there,
185
00:08:17,714 --> 00:08:22,114
but we want to find out
the minimum amount we got to pay.
186
00:08:22,153 --> 00:08:23,683
Y'all know what
the fuck I'm talkin' about!
187
00:08:24,591 --> 00:08:26,851
We all do that shit!
188
00:08:26,897 --> 00:08:30,377
We got a few more calls
to make, you know?
189
00:08:30,422 --> 00:08:32,562
'Cause it's rough
for brothas out here.
190
00:08:32,599 --> 00:08:34,559
They're always
fuckin' with us. Don't y'all get tired of shit? Police?
191
00:08:34,601 --> 00:08:36,601
They got me the other day.
Gonna arrest me over some bullshit.
192
00:08:36,646 --> 00:08:38,386
You know, and I'm saying that
'cause that's what everybody say
193
00:08:38,430 --> 00:08:40,350
when they get locked up.
You ever notice that shit?
194
00:08:40,389 --> 00:08:42,089
Soon as a brotha
get locked up, he call you,
195
00:08:42,130 --> 00:08:46,220
"Yo, uh, they got me
on some bullshit.
196
00:08:46,264 --> 00:08:47,744
"No, they gonna say
I stabbed a brotha."
197
00:08:47,788 --> 00:08:49,698
"How you gonna say
I stabbed a brotha?
198
00:08:49,746 --> 00:08:53,356
"When you saw me,
I was pullin' the knife out the brotha!
199
00:08:53,402 --> 00:08:55,492
"I don't know
who put the knife in him!"
200
00:08:56,057 --> 00:08:57,837
You know?
201
00:08:57,885 --> 00:08:59,535
Everybody say that.
I don't give a damn who you are.
202
00:08:59,582 --> 00:09:01,322
As soon as they put them
cuffs on you, it's bullshit.
203
00:09:01,366 --> 00:09:03,106
You know them brothas...
You know them guys
204
00:09:03,151 --> 00:09:04,721
that blew up
the World Trade Center said that shit.
205
00:09:04,761 --> 00:09:06,021
You know when
they put them cuffs on...
206
00:09:06,067 --> 00:09:08,587
[IN ARABIC ACCENT]
"Hold on, wait a minute.
207
00:09:08,635 --> 00:09:11,855
"Hold on, wait.
No, wait. Hold on...
208
00:09:11,899 --> 00:09:14,339
"I am having
a few questions.
209
00:09:14,379 --> 00:09:18,079
"Hold on.
What you say?
210
00:09:18,122 --> 00:09:20,732
"I blew up
the World Trade Center?
211
00:09:20,777 --> 00:09:23,167
"Well, this is bullshit!
212
00:09:23,214 --> 00:09:25,874
"Come on, you know
it's bullshit!
213
00:09:25,913 --> 00:09:28,353
"Allah, help me!"
214
00:09:28,393 --> 00:09:30,223
[NORMAL ACCENT]
That's the first person they wrote to, right?
215
00:09:30,265 --> 00:09:31,605
[IN ARABIC ACCENT]
"Allah!
216
00:09:31,658 --> 00:09:34,698
"It's bullshit, Allah!
217
00:09:34,748 --> 00:09:37,618
"Where is the bullshit
coming from?"
218
00:09:37,664 --> 00:09:39,234
[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]
219
00:09:39,274 --> 00:09:40,974
Yo, shout out
to my little man, Nate Kwon.
220
00:09:41,015 --> 00:09:43,055
My name is Mike Yard.
Y'all been beautiful!
221
00:09:50,981 --> 00:09:55,511
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh...
222
00:09:55,551 --> 00:09:57,951
[IMITATES CRYING]
223
00:09:57,988 --> 00:10:00,158
Love this show.
Anybody here not working?
224
00:10:00,208 --> 00:10:01,728
Anybody here don't have
a job? Raise your hand. You know who you are.
225
00:10:01,775 --> 00:10:03,115
I know you're
trying to get cute.
226
00:10:03,167 --> 00:10:04,467
Yeah, it was free to get in.
227
00:10:04,516 --> 00:10:06,516
That's why
all y'all here, huh? [LAUGHS]
228
00:10:06,562 --> 00:10:08,262
Yeah, it's tough when
you don't have a job.
229
00:10:08,303 --> 00:10:09,833
And a lot of stuff you can't
say when you ain't workin'.
230
00:10:09,870 --> 00:10:11,310
Shit like, "Fill it up."
You can't say that, huh?
231
00:10:11,349 --> 00:10:12,869
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
232
00:10:12,916 --> 00:10:15,306
You ain't fillin' up
a goddamn thing, huh?
233
00:10:15,353 --> 00:10:17,923
You go to the gas station,
you're like, "A nickel on pump two," huh?
234
00:10:17,965 --> 00:10:19,435
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
235
00:10:19,488 --> 00:10:21,488
A nickel on pump two.
236
00:10:21,533 --> 00:10:23,673
I love this job.
This the best job I ever had in my life.
237
00:10:23,710 --> 00:10:26,150
I've had all kind of jobs.
I was a repo man one time.
238
00:10:26,190 --> 00:10:28,110
How many people know
what a repo man is?
239
00:10:28,149 --> 00:10:30,759
That's the guy that come
get your car when you don't make the payments.
240
00:10:30,804 --> 00:10:33,984
He have to come get it,
'cause y'all won't bring it back, damn it.
241
00:10:34,024 --> 00:10:35,814
Call y'all on the phone
and you lie,
242
00:10:35,852 --> 00:10:37,812
"Oh, he ain't here,"
and you hang up the damn phone.
243
00:10:37,854 --> 00:10:39,814
Hide the shit
around the corner, and walk home.
244
00:10:39,856 --> 00:10:41,726
Come home from work,
be tired as fuck.
245
00:10:41,771 --> 00:10:43,901
"Ooh Lord, I'm tired.
246
00:10:43,947 --> 00:10:45,907
"Had to hide my car
from the repo man."
247
00:10:45,949 --> 00:10:47,389
I was a repo man one time.
248
00:10:47,429 --> 00:10:49,389
I took a guy's car
from a funeral.
249
00:10:49,431 --> 00:10:51,001
AUDIENCE: Oh...Hey, hey, hey, hey!
250
00:10:51,041 --> 00:10:53,521
That was my damn job,
was to take his shit.
251
00:10:53,565 --> 00:10:55,605
I took his car...
It was my job.
252
00:10:55,655 --> 00:10:57,525
I knew his mom passed away,
253
00:10:57,569 --> 00:11:00,569
and I waited
until he went in, and I took his car.
254
00:11:00,616 --> 00:11:02,656
Tickled the hell out of me.
255
00:11:02,705 --> 00:11:04,785
'Cause you know when you
come from a funeral, you all distraught.
256
00:11:04,838 --> 00:11:06,708
You be cryin'
and stuff, you know?
257
00:11:06,753 --> 00:11:09,543
He was...
He was like, "Oh, God, Momma!
258
00:11:09,581 --> 00:11:12,581
"Momma's dead!
No, Momma!
259
00:11:12,628 --> 00:11:14,798
"Momma!
Momma...
260
00:11:14,848 --> 00:11:16,848
"Who in the fuck took my car?"
261
00:11:16,893 --> 00:11:18,113
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
262
00:11:23,900 --> 00:11:25,820
"Motherfucker took my car!"
263
00:11:25,859 --> 00:11:27,209
You know? And the...
The family were like,
264
00:11:27,251 --> 00:11:28,601
"Man, what about Mom?"
265
00:11:28,644 --> 00:11:31,214
He like, "Man,
motherfuck Momma. Shit!
266
00:11:31,255 --> 00:11:35,215
"Goddamn it, Momma had
a ride up here, okay?
267
00:11:35,259 --> 00:11:37,999
"And when Momma get where
she goin', she ain't got to go no place else!
268
00:11:38,045 --> 00:11:39,655
"I got to go to work
in the morning!"
269
00:11:43,006 --> 00:11:44,696
Are y'all ready
for your next comedian?
270
00:11:44,747 --> 00:11:46,397
AUDIENCE: Yeah!All right.
271
00:11:46,444 --> 00:11:48,234
Well, coming at you all from
Charlotte, North Carolina,
272
00:11:48,272 --> 00:11:50,062
put your hands together.
Y'all give it up to him,
273
00:11:50,100 --> 00:11:52,100
for Mr. Nick Lewis,
in the house!
274
00:11:59,283 --> 00:12:02,033
What's up, Def Jam?
How y'all doing in here tonight?
275
00:12:02,069 --> 00:12:03,899
AUDIENCE: All right.
276
00:12:03,940 --> 00:12:05,770
I'm gon' tell you,
I ain't coming here for no bullshit,
277
00:12:05,812 --> 00:12:07,642
'cause I'm not
your average comedian.
278
00:12:07,683 --> 00:12:09,953
Your average comedian
gon' come out here and say,
279
00:12:09,990 --> 00:12:13,340
"Ladies, give it up because
you look good tonight."
280
00:12:13,384 --> 00:12:14,564
Fuck that shit!
281
00:12:14,603 --> 00:12:15,953
I seen some of you hos.
282
00:12:15,996 --> 00:12:17,686
Some of you don't
need to be clappin'!
283
00:12:17,737 --> 00:12:19,777
Some of you know
you're wrong for that shit!
284
00:12:19,826 --> 00:12:23,306
And if you know who you are,
you need to stop that shit.
285
00:12:23,351 --> 00:12:25,881
So now I'm gon' say it.
Ladies, give it up.
286
00:12:25,919 --> 00:12:29,049
If you're sitting next to
somebody, tap her ugly ass.
287
00:12:29,096 --> 00:12:30,966
Tell her,
"He ain't talking to you.
288
00:12:31,011 --> 00:12:33,751
"Put your hands down,
shut your fuckin' mouth up,
289
00:12:33,796 --> 00:12:35,666
"and let the show go on!"
290
00:12:39,193 --> 00:12:40,283
Yes, sir!
291
00:12:41,848 --> 00:12:45,028
Because the lies
is gon' stop tonight.
292
00:12:45,068 --> 00:12:46,718
The lies is gon' stop.
293
00:12:46,766 --> 00:12:48,856
I wanna talk to you
white people.
294
00:12:48,898 --> 00:12:51,548
Not because I'm racist,
but I wanna speak to you
295
00:12:51,596 --> 00:12:54,336
as the representative
for the black people.
296
00:12:54,382 --> 00:12:58,172
White folks, stop lying
about the job situation.
297
00:12:58,212 --> 00:13:01,262
If I'm not gon' get
the motherfuckin' job,
298
00:13:01,302 --> 00:13:03,262
then don't have
my black ass waiting
299
00:13:03,304 --> 00:13:04,834
at home
by the phone all day.
300
00:13:05,872 --> 00:13:08,222
That's what I'm saying.
301
00:13:08,265 --> 00:13:12,565
If I'm not gon' get the job,
then don't have me buying that special kind of tea,
302
00:13:12,617 --> 00:13:14,917
trying to clean
the marijuana up out my system!
303
00:13:14,968 --> 00:13:17,228
I can buy more
blunts with that money!
304
00:13:17,274 --> 00:13:19,674
Stop the lies!
Stop the lies!
305
00:13:19,711 --> 00:13:21,711
Stop these
motherfuckin' lies!
306
00:13:23,193 --> 00:13:24,543
Yes, sir!
307
00:13:24,586 --> 00:13:26,676
White folks, if your gon'
lay me off,
308
00:13:26,718 --> 00:13:28,548
call me before I come in.
309
00:13:28,590 --> 00:13:31,550
Don't have me working
all day, talkin' about,
310
00:13:31,593 --> 00:13:34,513
"We don't need
you no more!" That's bullshit!
311
00:13:34,552 --> 00:13:35,822
You're gon' piss me off!
312
00:13:35,858 --> 00:13:37,768
I'mma tell you
what you don't need.
313
00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:40,517
You don't need this shit
I'm about to steal up out of here!
314
00:13:40,558 --> 00:13:44,778
Some of you got
stolen shit on there, but that's all right.
315
00:13:44,824 --> 00:13:47,004
I don't wanna be hard
on the white people,
316
00:13:47,043 --> 00:13:48,783
I just wanna help 'em out,
317
00:13:48,828 --> 00:13:50,788
help them save they shit.
318
00:13:50,830 --> 00:13:53,350
So let's just say
tonight is Tuesday.
319
00:13:53,397 --> 00:13:56,617
White people,
you tell me my last night workin' is Thursday?
320
00:13:56,661 --> 00:13:59,361
Well, you better make sure
my black ass out Wednesday,
321
00:13:59,403 --> 00:14:02,153
or you gon' find
all your shit missing Friday!
322
00:14:02,189 --> 00:14:03,579
Stop it, white folks!
323
00:14:05,583 --> 00:14:07,463
Just done got out of hand.
324
00:14:07,498 --> 00:14:10,198
And I'm gon' tell you.
And some of you sistas, you lyin'.
325
00:14:10,240 --> 00:14:14,680
You brothers meet her.
They say, "Well, I ain't had sex in six months."
326
00:14:14,723 --> 00:14:16,683
Brother, you can
figure that shit out.
327
00:14:16,725 --> 00:14:18,025
It happened to me.
328
00:14:18,074 --> 00:14:20,424
I got ready
to knock the boots, right?
329
00:14:20,468 --> 00:14:23,508
So I pulled her legs open,
looked at the damn boots.
330
00:14:23,558 --> 00:14:26,598
They had been knocked so much
they looked like ran over hush puppies!
331
00:14:26,648 --> 00:14:28,558
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
332
00:14:28,606 --> 00:14:30,606
Stop these
motherfuckin' lies!
333
00:14:34,569 --> 00:14:37,219
But before I leave,
I'mma talk to you brothas.
334
00:14:37,267 --> 00:14:40,267
Quit lying to the sistas
that you got jobs.
335
00:14:40,314 --> 00:14:43,934
Quit lying to the sistas
that you gon' go downtown.
336
00:14:43,970 --> 00:14:46,890
Because I'm telling you,
sista, I ain't going downtown
337
00:14:46,929 --> 00:14:49,409
'cause I went down there
and it was fucked up.
338
00:14:49,453 --> 00:14:53,153
Garbage all out
in front of the building. It's smelling bad downtown.
339
00:14:54,981 --> 00:14:57,241
You know,
what the fuck I'm saying?
340
00:14:57,287 --> 00:14:59,197
But that's why
I'm gon' tell you.
341
00:14:59,246 --> 00:15:02,416
Because so you can
know if the woman downtown ain't clean.
342
00:15:02,466 --> 00:15:04,026
See, it happened to me.
343
00:15:04,077 --> 00:15:07,297
See, in my bedroom,
I got jungle shit everywhere.
344
00:15:07,341 --> 00:15:11,561
Jungle bedspread,
jungle curtains, jungle floor mats.
345
00:15:11,606 --> 00:15:13,476
And the pussy smell came out,
346
00:15:13,521 --> 00:15:15,131
the lions jumped
the fuck up off
347
00:15:15,175 --> 00:15:18,785
the bedspread
and said, "Roar! Roar!"
348
00:15:18,830 --> 00:15:20,700
My name is Nick Lewis,
and I'm out of here!
349
00:15:20,745 --> 00:15:21,785
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
350
00:15:29,929 --> 00:15:31,629
All right, yeah.
351
00:15:31,669 --> 00:15:33,979
That's some...
That stank right there, huh?
352
00:15:34,020 --> 00:15:35,720
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
353
00:15:35,760 --> 00:15:37,760
Y'all ready for the lady,
right? Time for the lady?
354
00:15:37,806 --> 00:15:39,106
Time for the lady.
Time for the lady to come up
355
00:15:39,155 --> 00:15:40,975
and give a lady's
point of view.
356
00:15:41,027 --> 00:15:43,247
All right, this is
my girl here, all the way from
357
00:15:43,290 --> 00:15:45,550
Los Angeles,
California, y'all.
358
00:15:45,596 --> 00:15:47,856
Y'all show her some love.
Give it up to her, make her feel welcome, y'all.
359
00:15:47,903 --> 00:15:49,563
Miss Hope Flood,
in the house!
360
00:15:58,218 --> 00:15:59,828
What's up, New York?
361
00:15:59,871 --> 00:16:01,131
AUDIENCE: Yeah...
362
00:16:01,177 --> 00:16:03,217
I'm drunker than
a motherfucker.
363
00:16:03,266 --> 00:16:06,006
You know you be drunk,
you just say, "Fuckin' shit!"
364
00:16:06,052 --> 00:16:08,842
Somebody be about to rip
that ass, you be like, "Fuckin' shit!
365
00:16:08,880 --> 00:16:10,970
"I'm tryin' to get
my drink on. Fuck all y'all."
366
00:16:11,013 --> 00:16:14,193
Don't nobody give a fuck
about O.J. and all that old punk ass shit.
367
00:16:14,234 --> 00:16:16,374
Niggas just want to know
when is the next riot?
368
00:16:16,410 --> 00:16:17,630
Fuck that.
369
00:16:18,978 --> 00:16:20,848
Niggas just want to
steal some shit.
370
00:16:20,892 --> 00:16:22,372
Fuck that.
371
00:16:22,416 --> 00:16:24,026
I thought the motherfucker
was gonna be guilty.
372
00:16:24,070 --> 00:16:25,940
I was just going in
the stores trying on shit.
373
00:16:27,247 --> 00:16:28,937
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
374
00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:30,468
They're like,
"You gon' buy that?"
375
00:16:32,730 --> 00:16:34,470
They're like,
"You gon' buy that?"
376
00:16:34,515 --> 00:16:36,685
I'm like,
"No, I'll wait for the riot. Fuck that."
377
00:16:36,734 --> 00:16:38,394
You know what I'm saying?
Fuck all that shit.
378
00:16:38,432 --> 00:16:41,092
They had a bitch
in jail, too, y'all. Jail is a trip, but...
379
00:16:41,130 --> 00:16:42,480
Matter of fact,
you look familiar.
380
00:16:42,523 --> 00:16:43,793
You owe me four cigarettes,
bitch. All right?
381
00:16:43,828 --> 00:16:45,788
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
382
00:16:45,830 --> 00:16:47,090
Jail is a trip.
383
00:16:47,136 --> 00:16:49,396
Bitches jump up
6:00 in the morning,
384
00:16:49,443 --> 00:16:51,103
taking showers,
putting on make-up,
385
00:16:51,140 --> 00:16:53,140
blow-drying their hair.
Like, "Hold up. Hold up.
386
00:16:53,186 --> 00:16:55,056
"Is the brothas from
the county jail about to come over here?
387
00:16:55,101 --> 00:16:57,281
"We about to party
in this motherfucker."
388
00:16:57,320 --> 00:16:59,060
These bitches was getting
dressed up for each other.
389
00:16:59,105 --> 00:17:01,015
I was like,
"Let a bitch out!"
390
00:17:01,063 --> 00:17:02,893
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
391
00:17:02,934 --> 00:17:05,074
And then you turn
the light out at night, all you heard was,
392
00:17:05,111 --> 00:17:06,681
[MAKES KISSING SOUNDS]
I said, "Let a bitch out!"
393
00:17:06,721 --> 00:17:07,901
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
394
00:17:07,939 --> 00:17:10,379
"I ain't gon'
do it no more!"
395
00:17:10,420 --> 00:17:13,120
I was in jail four days.
That was the longest time. I didn't brush my teeth.
396
00:17:13,162 --> 00:17:15,602
You see I still ain't comb
my motherfuckin hair.
397
00:17:16,600 --> 00:17:18,990
I didn't take no shower.
398
00:17:19,038 --> 00:17:20,998
I said, "If these bitches want
any of this pussy, they got to be awful desperate"
399
00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:22,430
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
400
00:17:22,476 --> 00:17:25,216
"'cause it's funkier than
a motherfucker."
401
00:17:25,261 --> 00:17:27,051
And I don't
love them hos. Fuck that!
402
00:17:28,438 --> 00:17:30,748
Men, just be honest.
403
00:17:30,788 --> 00:17:34,178
Men, just be honest in what
the fuck you want from us. Am I right, ladies?
404
00:17:34,227 --> 00:17:35,747
AUDIENCE: Yes!
405
00:17:35,793 --> 00:17:38,753
If you just want
to fuck, say so.
406
00:17:38,796 --> 00:17:41,276
'Cause half the time,
that's all we want to do, too!
407
00:17:41,321 --> 00:17:42,931
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND APPLAUDING]
408
00:17:44,106 --> 00:17:46,886
You know...
409
00:17:46,935 --> 00:17:49,675
You know,
it's all about punk ass promises.
410
00:17:49,720 --> 00:17:51,940
"I'mma take
the kids to the park.
411
00:17:51,983 --> 00:17:54,813
"I'mma buy you
a refrigerator.
412
00:17:54,856 --> 00:17:57,946
"I'mma get your
shit off layaway."
413
00:17:57,989 --> 00:17:59,249
Hell yeah, I'mma blow
your pager up.
414
00:17:59,295 --> 00:18:01,855
I want the promises,
motherfucker!
415
00:18:01,906 --> 00:18:03,816
And men brag about
what they have, don't they ladies?
416
00:18:03,865 --> 00:18:06,345
They got a big dick
and all that old punk ass shit, right?
417
00:18:06,389 --> 00:18:07,959
And I'm sorry,
ladies, we tramps.
418
00:18:07,999 --> 00:18:10,699
We gon' find out
if this dick is good.
419
00:18:10,741 --> 00:18:13,791
I know I am.
Don't let the fat fool you, I'mma fuckin', now!
420
00:18:13,831 --> 00:18:16,101
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND APPLAUDING]
421
00:18:21,752 --> 00:18:23,802
I'm saying, I went over
to this one nigga house,
422
00:18:23,841 --> 00:18:26,371
he went from hard
to hard to find, y'all.
423
00:18:26,409 --> 00:18:28,459
Dick was so small,
I went down to give him head,
424
00:18:28,498 --> 00:18:31,408
it was like smokin' a joint.
I said, "Fuck..." [INHALES SHARPLY]
425
00:18:31,458 --> 00:18:32,848
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND APPLAUDING]
426
00:18:39,857 --> 00:18:42,297
'Cause ladies know...
Ladies know if he got a dick like a hamster,
427
00:18:42,338 --> 00:18:45,078
he better have a tongue
like a rattlesnake. Am I right?
428
00:18:45,124 --> 00:18:46,344
Fuck the bullshit!
429
00:18:47,648 --> 00:18:50,558
Fuck that shit!
430
00:18:50,607 --> 00:18:53,177
You know what I'm saying?
And you niggas who ain't eatin' pussy right,
431
00:18:53,219 --> 00:18:54,829
we want you to quit it.
432
00:18:54,872 --> 00:18:56,142
You know what I'm saying?
Motherfuckers want to eat
433
00:18:56,178 --> 00:18:58,008
all around the
motherfuckin' pussy,
434
00:18:58,049 --> 00:19:00,659
fuckin' with a bitch.
I will stab you in the forehead
435
00:19:00,704 --> 00:19:02,534
with a rusty butter knife,
fuckin' with me.
436
00:19:02,576 --> 00:19:04,706
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
437
00:19:04,752 --> 00:19:07,062
Eat that shit right,
or you can fuck off away from me!
438
00:19:07,102 --> 00:19:09,712
Fucker, what's
wrong with you?
439
00:19:09,757 --> 00:19:11,757
You know what I'm saying?
And you light-skinned men,
440
00:19:11,802 --> 00:19:13,282
you're too
motherfuckin' colorful.
441
00:19:13,326 --> 00:19:15,236
Your dick one color,
your balls another color.
442
00:19:15,284 --> 00:19:16,504
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
443
00:19:21,725 --> 00:19:24,075
You know what I'm saying?
444
00:19:24,119 --> 00:19:28,079
Got ring around the ass,
looking like a walking rainbow, God damn it!
445
00:19:28,123 --> 00:19:31,873
I want me a black man,
stallion motherfuckin' black, God damn it.
446
00:19:31,909 --> 00:19:33,169
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
447
00:19:34,912 --> 00:19:36,182
My name's Hope Flood
I love you!
448
00:19:51,407 --> 00:19:52,967
All right, all right.
449
00:19:53,017 --> 00:19:54,237
AUDIENCE: Yeah.
450
00:19:54,280 --> 00:19:56,060
All right, y'all had
a good time?
451
00:19:56,107 --> 00:19:57,667
AUDIENCE: Yeah.All right, give it up
452
00:19:57,718 --> 00:19:59,148
for my main man who
put all this together, y'all.
453
00:19:59,198 --> 00:20:01,418
Let's hear it for him,
Mr. Russell Simmons!
454
00:20:02,418 --> 00:20:03,808
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
455
00:20:06,248 --> 00:20:08,988
ANTHONY BROWN: Thank you, man!
456
00:20:09,033 --> 00:20:11,213
Thank y'all for coming out.
God bless you. Good night!
457
00:20:11,253 --> 00:20:13,263
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
458
00:20:13,299 --> 00:20:14,949
[HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING]
459
00:20:14,999 --> 00:20:19,549
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
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