Original subtitles

KID CAPRI: Straight out of New York City,

it's the Russell Simmons'Def Comedy All-Star Jam.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Put your hands together for Mr. Michael Colyar.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I'm sorry. Give me a minute.

[AUDIENCE MEMBER CHEERING]

Thank you. Oh thank you baby, you so nice.

I'm trying to exchange this meal.

I was over at Sylvia's.

Y'all ever eat Sylvia's?

Soul food restaurant, you ever eat there?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]That's a real motherfuckin' soul food restaurant.

Motherfucker good.

No, no because you know they got bullshit soul food restaurants,

you know what I'm talking about?

Sometimes they get you that old Kraft Macaroni and Cheese or...

Some of that damn Jiffy cornbread mix...

Or the real fake ones, they get them frozen greens,

put a little grease on the motherfucker,

try to make it look like...

Look like it... I'm talking about real soul food.

Now, some of y'all know that food

will change your life.

Your big ass know what I'm talkin' about.

You know what I'm talkin' about or not?

What's your name?[MUFFLED] Glen.

Huh?Glen.

Glen, you filling that motherfuckin' chair up, too.

You fillin' that motherfucker all up, you just...

[GRUNTS] And you know

at first, I know y'all are nervous because I'm fucking with Glen...

Damn he big, why you fuckin' with big-ass Glen?

I don't give a fuck.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

...about how big Glen is.

What the fuck he gonna do to me? I mean...

Really, fuck he gonna do to me?

Motherfucker get an attitude,

all I got to do is take off running.

And if he come after me,

I throw down a cheeseburger

and then that motherfucker got to make a decision.

You hear me?

You hear me?

Wait... Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

I can see that motherfucker right now.

"Well all right, but next time

"you better put some mustard on this mother."

Now, look at here.

Oh, I want to explain this thing for you I started because I know

people see me walking around with this,

you know it's like, "Oh now that nigga into the voodoo and shit."

[BABBLING]

No, I... I do play with them on the airplane with this motherfucker.

I get on the plane and the flight attendants come up to me and I say,

"I'm going to make the plane spin around and around."

Back the fuck up.

You got...you know, I always sit in first class, and so...

I'm sitting in first class

and ain't nobody black but me and the flight attendant,

so I usually sit there and...

And I don't say nothing the whole flight.

Like halfway through, I'll go...

[BABBLES]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And I don't say shit else for the whole flight.

That motherfucker just biting his nails,

"Land this motherfucker, land it, Bob."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

No, really though,

this thing here is from the...the Mayan decade.

It's like an... An Indian...

A Mexican Indian type artifact that they made,

you know it's called a...a fetish, right?

You know, and like actually the motherfucker just a flute.

[PLAYS FLUTE]

Don't have shit to do with the show, but I say what the fuck,

I'm the host I can do what the fuck I want, you know.

Now, wait...wait a minute because I'm... I'm... I'm...

I haven't started yet. I'm going to get started in a minute,

um...

But so far all that shit I was doing,

funnier than a motherfucker.

All that funnier than a motherfucker.

Some peoples

weren't laughing... That's right, peoples.

I get college edumacation,

I didn't spend three years in eighth grade for nothing

God damn it, I know what I'm saying.

Some peoples didn't laugh. Now, I have to assume

that some of ya

are comedically lazy.

They don't want to work for the joke,

they just want me to lay that motherfucker out. I won't do it.

Instead, I'm going to hit your ass right now

with what I call Michael Colyar's complicated

joke series.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Now, when I say complicated, that means some of you folks gonna get it right away.

Some of ya,

it's going to take a couple of seconds.

And some of y'all won't get the shit till next Tuesday.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

All I ask is,

if anybody around you don't get the joke, you don't help them.

You hear me?

Anybody don't get one of the first three jokes,

fuck 'em.

Thank you.

First joke in the complicated joke series.

Woman's on her way to church.

Catholic church.

Slips on the stairs, falls down, her dress flies everywhere.

Now she trying to get herself together.

Looked up and saw the priest coming out of the church.

She said, "Pardon me, Father,

"but is Mass out?"

He said, "No, but your hat's on kind of crooked."

Is my ass out? Is mass...

I help you with the first one.

No, no, the next two, yo ass is on your own.

Second joke

in the complicated

joke series.

A drunk comes stumbling into the same church.

Stumbles over to the confessional booth and sits down.

Drunk sitting there oh ten, fifteen minutes.

The priest comes in, slides open the little door.

"Yes my son, may I help you?"

Drunk say, "Yeah,

"you got any paper over there on yo side?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Don't fucking help him.

Hey.

What you doing?

Wait now. I got a problem... I got a problem here

because I only got like another minute and a half

before we gonna start bringing the acts in

and some people like that guy in the red over there,

see, you getting on my fuckin' nerves.

This your third and final opportunity to get on board.

You don't catch up now,

we taking off without yo ass.

Third in the complicated joke series.

Every day

this man would come into the same restaurant.

Sit at the same table.

He had the same menu.

Same waitress,

and he always ordered pork chops.

Mm-hmm.

Every day same table, same menu,

same waitress,

pork chops.

Finally, the waitress, she got tired of this.

Mm-hmm. Come in early one day,

took a black marker pen,

scratched out the pork chops.

So the man come in, he sat down, opened up the menu.

Waitress come over and she said,

"You know, I just scratched what you'd really like."

He said, "All right, go wash your hand

"and bring me them pork chops."

All right now, look it... Look it here.

When I get ready to bring the act out,

I'm gonna say,

"Are you ready for the next comedian?"

Now your response is,

"Yeah, bring out the next motherfucker."

All right,

and it's okay you know, to go crazy with it.

Are you ready for the next artist?

AUDIENCE: Yeah,

bring out the next motherfucker.

From Sin City, ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome Todd Lynn.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Yeah I'm the next motherfucker.

Yo black brothers, what we got

to do right starting off is give a round of applause

to the beautifulest creatures God ever created, my black women.

Put your hands together for 'em.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

My black women...my...

My black women smooth.

They...they smooth and they much smarter than black men.

We don't admit it all the time because see like,

niggas, we all go out and shit to the club with our boys,

we'll hook up with a woman.

We will leave our boy ass stranded at the club, won't we?

Just leave his ass there.

Women don't do that shit, they smooth.

They be like three, four of them, they'll go in the bathroom,

get in a little football huddle be like...

"Listen here, girl, I'm about to hook up with old dude, okay?

"You take my car and drive Shaniqua out.

"She gonna watch my kids, okay?

"And then...listen... If that nigga crazy,

"I'm gonna let your phone ring two times, all right?

"And then I'm gonna come running out and then getting' in the car.

"Okay, ready, break."

Women... Hey man, they...they smooth with their shit.

It's easier too for women to do shit,

like women go on trips, get like one hotel room,

sleep in the same bed with each other.

Niggas, we can't do that shit, can we?

Cause around six o' clock in the morning,

nigga dick get rock hard, don't it?

Hey, yo dick get hard, his dick get hard,

you roll over, y'all dicks touching,

somebody got to die in that motherfucker.

Hey...hey I'm telling you one...

One thing I know,

balls ain't supposed to touch,

you know what I'm saying?

I don't give a damn what the situation is.

You could be on the basketball team,

you taking a shower,

your boy slip and fall, you fall on top of him,

your balls touch his balls, you got to kill that nigga.

Nigga, you got to die in this motherfucker.

You...hey...

You be mad at a motherfucker your whole life.

Niggas be like, "What's wrong with you and James?"

You can't tell nobody, you just can't go,

"Oh, back in '94 his balls touched my balls.

"I don't say nothing to that motherfucker, man."

No shit man, now look at

there's a room full of women talking about,

"I ain't sucking no dick. I ain't...

"I ain't sucking shit. I ain't sucking no dick."

Men tell 'em that's because you don't know

the power of a dick suck.

You don't know the power of a dick suck.

Hey, a dick suck make a nigga come home at night, okay?

I'm trying to tell ya.

Hey,

a dick suck make a nigga answer a page, all right?

Hey, he don't need to see no codes or nothing,

he see that number,

he know that's a priority call.

He be like, "I got to go,

"your ass got to get a ride home, nigga."

Hey check this out though... Check this out though.

I got to get out of here, but... But check this out.

Man, I... I'm looking for me a woman, you know, I'm a single motherfucker.

I'm looking for a woman,

but I'm a big, chunky motherfucker

so big, chunky-ass women think that's what I want.

No, no hell no.

What the fuck am I gonna do with a woman built like me?

What the fuck we gonna do, wrestle?

I can't see her shit, she can't see mine,

we just up in that motherfucker bumpin' and sweatin'.

Ain't touching shit.

I'm like, "Put your leg up,

"I can't even reach the motherfucker.

"Now this is safe sex for yo' ass."

Hey listen, I'm Todd Lynn, Sin City y'all.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[SIGHS]

You know, they told me the jokes was too damn complicated.

I went in the back, they said that last one was too complicated.

So now, I'm going to hit you with the elephant joke series.

You know we heard elephant jokes all our lives.

As children we heard elephant jokes,

they weren't that funny but they was cute.

How come elephants don't ride tricycles?

Cause the finger too big for the bell.

Ding ding, not funny,

but damn cute.

And then you had the two-part elephant joke.

Part one,

what did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming up the road?

[AUDIENCE MEMBER RESPONDS]

No, no, no, no he said,

"Look, there's some elephants

"coming up the road."

Damn. Now that's okay. Come on, that's all right.

Give 'em a break... Give 'em a break.

We're gonna do this one more time, I'll give you a chance

to redeem yourself. We're gonna try it one more time,

use that brain, squeeze that noodle,

cogitate.

Part two... You're gonna try this time, right?

You're gonna try it? Don't help him. Don't help him.

Part two... It's a two-part elephant joke.

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants

come up the road with sunglasses on?

Come on. Come on. Come on.

COLYAR: That's all right, he didn't say shit.

He couldn't recognize them. And then...

And then you moved on to a more risque elephant joke.

How do you make an elephant come?

And the all-time elephant favorite,

the Mercedes-Benz

elephant joke.

How many people in the room own a Mercedes-Benz?

Okay I'm sorry, lease...

Lease a Mercedes-Benz?

Okay, how many people wish like hell they had a Merc...

Give...give him a hand, my man right there with the hat.

What's your name, brother?

What's your name, bro? What's your name?

Huh?

COLYAR: Claremont? Can you take that spot... That spot off him

'cause that glare come off his head fucking me up.

Don't...

Claremont,

they named you after a street. Okay, Claremont...

Um...

We're dedicating this last joke to you, my friend,

because you'd like to have your very own Mercedes-Benz.

Ladies and gentlemen,

we're dedicating this joke to my friend, Claremont,

because he'd like to have his very own Mercedes-Benz.

Ladies and gentlemen, who we dedicating this last joke to?

AUDIENCE: Claremont.COLYAR: Come on, say it like you mean it.

AUDIENCE: Claremont.COLYAR: Claremont,

this Bud's on you.

Now don't tell this at home.

True story.

An elephant and a mouse,

pretty good friends.

Pretty good friends indeed, were walking

through the jungles of Africa.

Minding their own business,

walking down the street...wait,

I'm sorry brotha, the path...the path.

Elephant trip,

falls into a huge hole, starts screaming, "Save me. Save me."

Mouse says, "What the fuck do you expect..."

He said, "Wait, wait, I got an idea."

Mouse runs home, goes into his garage,

gets out his Mercedes-Benz... True story.

True story.

Drive down to the Ace Hardware,

buy some rope.

Puts the rope in the back of his

COLYAR: Mercedes-Benz.AUDIENCE: Mercedes-Benz.

Drives back out to the hole and shouts down to the elephant.

He say, "Listen, I'm gonna tie one end of this rope

"to the back of my..."

COLYAR: Mercedes-Benz.AUDIENCE: Mercedes-Benz

"You tie the other end to your snoot.

"See that way, when we pull out, you'll be saved."

It worked. It worked.

Pretty good friends?

Pretty good friends, indeed.

Claremont, are you still following this story?

Okay, good.

A couple days later,

the elephant and the mouse walk

through the jungles of Africa again

minding their own business.

Walking down...

WOMAN: The path.

The path.

This time the mouse trips,

falls into the hole start screaming, "Save me. Save me."

So of course the elephant whips out his dick...

Duh-huh.

Drops it in the hole...

Duh-huh.

Tells the mouse, "You run up my dick, you'll be saved."

It worked. It worked. And Claremont,

Claremont, do you know the moral of this story?

Hey, if you got a big dick, you don't need a Mercedes-Benz,

don't worry about it.

Okay now...

[AUDIENCE CHANTING]

Give me your hand. Give me love, baby.

Are y'all ready for the next

comedian?

AUDIENCE: Yeah, bring out the next motherfucker.

COLYAR: Yeah,

please welcome Angelique. Give it up ladies...

[MUSIC PLAYING]

What's up, New York?

How y'all doing?

Ooh, is that my baby daddy?

Thank you.

It's my first time... First time in New York,

it is a blessing to be here.

I know about the cold as a brick out here.

Y'all got a lot of things in common with L.A., though.

I hear y'all got a lot of area codes,

718...what... What else y'all got?

212?

It's like that in L.A., we have a lot of area codes,

but they got gangs.

When I first moved to L.A., I was in the 213s,

and the big homies, rotary and dial tone, they was like, "Look,

"we don't like 818s,

"714s,

"909s.

"You get caught slipping, they taking your phone cord."

So I'm at the pay phone one day, right? I'm on the phone,

these guys just rolled up on me.

Phone check, punk.

I was like, "Excuse me, I am a lady."

He's like, "You right baby, you right.

"Phone check, trick."

I'm like, "Fool, this 213."

So I throw my set cause I'm down from mine, all right?

They was like, "Oh what you from, Sprint?"

I was like, "No."

"Oh you must be from AT&T then."

I was like, "No fool, this is MCI."

They was like, "So you got friends and family huh?

"Okay you rollin' like that."

So I called the big homies, I was like, "Look man,

"they just jacked me. Yeah,

"this is what we gonna do.

"We gonna get us some cordless phones.

"We about to do a star sixty-nine on these motherfuckers."

How many people got relatives in jail?

Everybody in jail,

my uncles, my brothers,

that's why I had to cut my hair.

Somebody had to be the man of our family.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I ain't swinging, I like bones in my fish, okay?

That's right.

No fillets for the kid, no fillets for me.

But you know the sad thing about getting letters from jail,

you know what the sad thing is?

As soon as you get it,

you got to pull out your red pen,

correct it,

mail it back so they can rewrite it.

Spelling hello with a W on the end don't make no sense.

Then my brother think... He trying to be Muslim now.

But he say he not that kind of Muslim.

See, I can eat the pork as long as the pig was raised in church.

Hey, I can still eat it.

Had to enlighten him... On...on something.

Did y'all know the first Muslim was a white man?

Y'all remember Alfalfa.

You remember that little tight suit.

That little bow tie?

Always selling stuff?

I'm watching a tape on the Little Rascals, no lie,

Alfalfa coming up the street.

"[GREETING IN ARABIC] brother Buckwheat."

Buckwheat was like, [SPEAKS GIBBERISH]

No nothing against Muslims.

I support the Million Man March all the way.

[CROWD CHEERING]

It's great.

Black men together in peace.

They say next year we're going to have a million women marching.

What you all think?

We can do it? Million women?

Well I... I think we pretty much got it together.

The women got it together.

See I think they need to have them hoochies out there in March.

That's what they need to help.

Could y'all imagine

just a sea of blond and burgundy dookie braids with black roots?

And they guest speaker come up.

"Hoochie hoo.

"As I look out amongst my sisters,

"I can see we been hair weaved, tattooed,

"tanguerayed.

"We didn't land in that low rider,

"That nigga wanted to ride with us.

"So today I want y'all to take this pledge,

"put yo hand on your hip and say your name...

"Say your name.

"I...say your name..."

"Shamiqua, have the sounds of my core,

"a cold body and niggas on my mind

"will not fake pregnancy to get abortion money

"to pay my rent.

"I will broaden my horizons.

"My ideal black art will no longer be St. Idesposters.

"I will not name my kids after cars.

"Come here Volvo, sit your little butt down.

"Mercedes, park it.

"And I will not tattoo all my baby daddy names on the same arm

"because you know they don't get along."

You guys have been fun,

my name is Angelique.

Keep supporting the arts. Thank you very much.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I can dance my ass off in my car.

Hey y'all be doing that? You be driving, you be jamming like a motherfucker

and then you get to the dance floor,

"Oh no, I don't dance in public. Thank you."

Are you ready for the next comedian?

AUDIENCE: Yeah, bring out the next motherfucker.

COLYAR: Now, let's try it with just the male voices.

Are you ready for the next comedian?

MEN: Yeah, bring out the next motherfucker.

Whoo! That shit felt good.

This man is a personal friend and a very, very nice man.

He is hilarious.

You'll be seeing him on several shows this season.

I taped one with him yesterday. Um...

I can't say the other network, but he...he just got a thirty minute

special doing comedy.

He is so funny and so fantastic.

Uh, this is his second appearance here, I understand,

I didn't know he did one here before because,

you know, I just got cable.

My cousin...[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

No really, my cousin hook up everybody in the building

for fifteen, twenty and you don't pay but once a year.

Anyway, the man is quite fantastic.

He's from Atlanta. I want you to bring him in here with some real love.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Bruce Bruce.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

What's up, y'all?

[AUDIENCE RESPONDS]

Oh man, I got a problem being big.

People just pick on you because you're big, you know what I'm talking about.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

As a matter of fact, let's go get something to eat after we leave here.

We got to ride in your car, you get

in the front, I get in the back.

Car look like it full with niggers, you with me?

Everybody gonna be like, "Oh look at all them

"niggas in that car, man."

Be two brothers riding in that motherfucker.

People pick on you because you're fat, you know what I'm saying?

I go to the grocery store today.

You know, I'm just walking around with my cart

getting something to eat, you know I can't miss no meal.

Little girl about three years old just looking at me.

So I'm trying to walk on, I say, "What's wrong with this little girl?"

She tell me, "Hey fat daddy.

"Hey fat daddy. Hey fat daddy."

I tried to skip a aisle on her, you know what I'm saying,

till her, "I see you, fat daddy."

People pick on you because you're fat, you know what I'm saying?

I'm in church last Sunday.

You know how you get out of church, everybody congregate,

you know what I'm saying? I got my double-breasted purple suit on, you know,

I'm clean.

Little girl pull up my jacket, "You don't want to play, Barney,

"you don't want to play?"

"Now go now, go ahead on, go on.

"Leave me alone, little girl."

Get in town yesterday, get me something to eat,

you know I can't miss no meals.

Go to Kentucky Fried Chicken.

It seems like there's bums everywhere you go.

I come out of Kentucky Fried Chicken,

I got a bag over my shoulder.

Brother talk, "Hey big man, what you got in that bag?"

I say, "Some chickens."

He get all excited, "Ooh, I like chicken, I like chicken."

If I guess how many in there, can I have one?"

I said, "Man, if you guess how many are in here,

"I'll give you both of 'em."

He said, "Three."

Like y'all kiss there going home.

What he say?

And I'm gonna tell y'all something. If the police pull

you over, ask for your driver's license and insurance,

go to his car, come back, ask you to get out of the car,

it's a known fact you're going to jail,

you know that?

Police gonna pull us over last night.

He said, "Can I see your driver's license, insurance?"

I said, "Yeah." Gave it to him, he came back.

He said, "Can you get out of the car?"

I said, "I ain't getting out of this car."

He gonna try to open the door, I lock the back. Click, click.

He said, "I'll tow this car in."

I said, "I'll ride in on the back of the wrecker.

"I ain't getting out till my family get here.

"I seen what you did to Rodney King."

That's my time, I'm Bruce Bruce. I'm out of here.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I brought my hat out here because people said

I didn't have no hair from, you know here up.

I said I got that hole, there's a hole...

There's a hole at the top and shit,

a lot of us get that, don't worry about that

because it's not what's on the head,

it's what's in the head that counts.

Uh, can we have a big powerful applause for the gentleman who

just left, Mr. Bruce Bruce.

Are you ready for the next comedian?

AUDIENCE: Yeah, bring out the next motherfucker.

Ain't no more motherfuckers tonight.

No, we out of motherfuckers

and this one is not that complicated.

Real quick. Two drunks sitting at a bar.

One turns to the other one and he said,

"Did you sleep with my wife last night?"

And the other one said, "Not a wink. Not a wink."

Ladies and gentlemen, let's bring up the man

who makes this thing possible

every week for us,

Mr. Russell Simmons.

Thank you very much.You got it.

Thank you for coming out.

God bless you, good night.

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