All language subtitles for Def Comedy Jam s06e04.eng

KID CAPRI: Straight
out of New York City,

it's the Russell
Simmons'Def Comedy All-Star Jam.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Put your hands together for
Mr. Michael Colyar.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I'm sorry.
Give me a minute.

[AUDIENCE MEMBER CHEERING]

Thank you.
Oh thank you baby, you so nice.

I'm trying
to exchange this meal.

I was over at
Sylvia's.

Y'all ever eat Sylvia's?

Soul food restaurant,
you ever eat there?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]That's a real motherfuckin'
soul food restaurant.

Motherfucker good.

No, no because you
know they got bullshit soul food restaurants,

you know what
I'm talking about?

Sometimes they get you
that old Kraft Macaroni and Cheese or...

Some of that damn
Jiffy cornbread mix...

Or the real fake
ones, they get them frozen greens,

put a little grease on
the motherfucker,

try to make it look like...

Look like it...
I'm talking about real soul food.

Now, some of y'all
know that food

will change
your life.

Your big ass
know what I'm talkin' about.

You know what
I'm talkin' about or not?

What's your
name?[MUFFLED] Glen.

Huh?Glen.

Glen, you filling
that motherfuckin' chair up, too.

You fillin' that
motherfucker all up, you just...

[GRUNTS]
And you know

at first, I know y'all
are nervous because I'm fucking with Glen...

Damn he big,
why you fuckin' with big-ass Glen?

I don't give a fuck.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

...about how
big Glen is.

What the fuck he
gonna do to me? I mean...

Really, fuck he
gonna do to me?

Motherfucker
get an attitude,

all I got to
do is take off running.

And if he come
after me,

I throw down
a cheeseburger

and then that
motherfucker got to make a decision.

You hear me?

You hear me?

Wait...
Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

I can see that
motherfucker right now.

"Well all right,
but next time

"you better put
some mustard on this mother."

Now, look
at here.

Oh, I want to explain
this thing for you I started because I know

people see me
walking around with this,

you know it's like,
"Oh now that nigga into the voodoo and shit."

[BABBLING]

No, I... I do play with
them on the airplane with this motherfucker.

I get on the plane
and the flight attendants come up to me and I say,

"I'm going to make
the plane spin around and around."

Back the fuck up.

You got...you know,
I always sit in first class, and so...

I'm sitting
in first class

and ain't nobody
black but me and the flight attendant,

so I usually
sit there and...

And I don't
say nothing the whole flight.

Like halfway through,
I'll go...

[BABBLES]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And I don't say
shit else for the whole flight.

That motherfucker
just biting his nails,

"Land this motherfucker,
land it, Bob."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

No, really though,

this thing here
is from the...the Mayan decade.

It's like an...
An Indian...

A Mexican Indian
type artifact that they made,

you know it's called
a...a fetish, right?

You know, and like
actually the motherfucker just a flute.

[PLAYS FLUTE]

Don't have shit to do
with the show, but I say what the fuck,

I'm the host I can do
what the fuck I want, you know.

Now, wait...wait
a minute because I'm... I'm... I'm...

I haven't started yet.
I'm going to get started in a minute,

um...

But so far all that
shit I was doing,

funnier than
a motherfucker.

All that funnier
than a motherfucker.

Some peoples

weren't laughing...
That's right, peoples.

I get college
edumacation,

I didn't spend three
years in eighth grade for nothing

God damn it, I know
what I'm saying.

Some peoples didn't laugh.
Now, I have to assume

that some of ya

are comedically lazy.

They don't want to
work for the joke,

they just want me
to lay that motherfucker out. I won't do it.

Instead, I'm going
to hit your ass right now

with what I call
Michael Colyar's complicated

joke series.

Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.

Now, when I say complicated,
that means some of you folks gonna get it right away.

Some of ya,

it's going to take
a couple of seconds.

And some of y'all
won't get the shit till next Tuesday.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

All I ask is,

if anybody around you
don't get the joke, you don't help them.

You hear me?

Anybody don't get
one of the first three jokes,

fuck 'em.

Thank you.

First joke in
the complicated joke series.

Woman's on her
way to church.

Catholic church.

Slips on the stairs,
falls down, her dress flies everywhere.

Now she trying to
get herself together.

Looked up and saw
the priest coming out of the church.

She said,
"Pardon me, Father,

"but is Mass out?"

He said, "No,
but your hat's on kind of crooked."

Is my ass out?
Is mass...

I help you with
the first one.

No, no, the next two,
yo ass is on your own.

Second joke

in the complicated

joke series.

A drunk comes
stumbling into the same church.

Stumbles over to the
confessional booth and sits down.

Drunk sitting there
oh ten, fifteen minutes.

The priest comes
in, slides open the little door.

"Yes my son,
may I help you?"

Drunk say, "Yeah,

"you got any
paper over there on yo side?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Don't fucking
help him.

Hey.

What you doing?

Wait now. I got
a problem... I got a problem here

because I only got
like another minute and a half

before we gonna
start bringing the acts in

and some people
like that guy in the red over there,

see, you getting on
my fuckin' nerves.

This your third
and final opportunity to get on board.

You don't
catch up now,

we taking off
without yo ass.

Third in the
complicated joke series.

Every day

this man would
come into the same restaurant.

Sit at the
same table.

He had the
same menu.

Same waitress,

and he always
ordered pork chops.

Mm-hmm.

Every day
same table, same menu,

same waitress,

pork chops.

Finally, the
waitress, she got tired of this.

Mm-hmm.
Come in early one day,

took a black
marker pen,

scratched out
the pork chops.

So the man come
in, he sat down, opened up the menu.

Waitress come
over and she said,

"You know, I just
scratched what you'd really like."

He said, "All right,
go wash your hand

"and bring me
them pork chops."

All right now,
look it... Look it here.

When I get
ready to bring the act out,

I'm gonna say,

"Are you ready
for the next comedian?"

Now your response is,

"Yeah, bring out the
next motherfucker."

All right,

and it's okay
you know, to go crazy with it.

Are you ready for
the next artist?

AUDIENCE: Yeah,

bring out the next
motherfucker.

From Sin City,
ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome
Todd Lynn.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Yeah I'm the next
motherfucker.

Yo black brothers,
what we got

to do right starting
off is give a round of applause

to the beautifulest
creatures God ever created, my black women.

Put your hands
together for 'em.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

My black
women...my...

My black women smooth.

They...they smooth
and they much smarter than black men.

We don't admit
it all the time because see like,

niggas, we all go
out and shit to the club with our boys,

we'll hook up
with a woman.

We will leave our
boy ass stranded at the club, won't we?

Just leave
his ass there.

Women don't do that
shit, they smooth.

They be like three,
four of them, they'll go in the bathroom,

get in a little
football huddle be like...

"Listen here, girl,
I'm about to hook up with old dude, okay?

"You take my
car and drive Shaniqua out.

"She gonna watch
my kids, okay?

"And then...listen...
If that nigga crazy,

"I'm gonna let your
phone ring two times, all right?

"And then I'm gonna
come running out and then getting' in the car.

"Okay, ready,
break."

Women... Hey man,
they...they smooth with their shit.

It's easier too
for women to do shit,

like women go on trips,
get like one hotel room,

sleep in the same
bed with each other.

Niggas, we can't do
that shit, can we?

Cause around six o'
clock in the morning,

nigga dick get rock
hard, don't it?

Hey, yo dick get hard,
his dick get hard,

you roll over,
y'all dicks touching,

somebody got to die
in that motherfucker.

Hey...hey I'm
telling you one...

One thing I know,

balls ain't
supposed to touch,

you know what
I'm saying?

I don't give
a damn what the situation is.

You could be on the
basketball team,

you taking a shower,

your boy slip and fall,
you fall on top of him,

your balls touch
his balls, you got to kill that nigga.

Nigga, you got
to die in this motherfucker.

You...hey...

You be mad at a
motherfucker your whole life.

Niggas be like,
"What's wrong with you and James?"

You can't tell nobody,
you just can't go,

"Oh, back in '94
his balls touched my balls.

"I don't say
nothing to that motherfucker, man."

No shit man,
now look at

there's a room
full of women talking about,

"I ain't sucking
no dick. I ain't...

"I ain't sucking shit.
I ain't sucking no dick."

Men tell 'em
that's because you don't know

the power of
a dick suck.

You don't know
the power of a dick suck.

Hey, a dick suck
make a nigga come home at night, okay?

I'm trying
to tell ya.

Hey,

a dick suck make
a nigga answer a page, all right?

Hey, he don't need
to see no codes or nothing,

he see that number,

he know that's
a priority call.

He be like,
"I got to go,

"your ass got to get
a ride home, nigga."

Hey check this
out though... Check this out though.

I got to get out
of here, but... But check this out.

Man, I... I'm looking
for me a woman, you know, I'm a single motherfucker.

I'm looking
for a woman,

but I'm a big,
chunky motherfucker

so big, chunky-ass
women think that's what I want.

No, no hell no.

What the fuck am I
gonna do with a woman built like me?

What the fuck
we gonna do, wrestle?

I can't see her shit,
she can't see mine,

we just up in that
motherfucker bumpin' and sweatin'.

Ain't touching shit.

I'm like, "Put
your leg up,

"I can't even reach
the motherfucker.

"Now this is safe
sex for yo' ass."

Hey listen,
I'm Todd Lynn, Sin City y'all.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[SIGHS]

You know, they told
me the jokes was too damn complicated.

I went in the back,
they said that last one was too complicated.

So now, I'm going
to hit you with the elephant joke series.

You know we heard
elephant jokes all our lives.

As children we
heard elephant jokes,

they weren't
that funny but they was cute.

How come elephants
don't ride tricycles?

Cause the
finger too big for the bell.

Ding ding,
not funny,

but damn cute.

And then you
had the two-part elephant joke.

Part one,

what did Tarzan say when
he saw the elephants coming up the road?

[AUDIENCE MEMBER RESPONDS]

No, no, no,
no he said,

"Look, there's
some elephants

"coming up
the road."

Damn. Now that's
okay. Come on, that's all right.

Give 'em a break...
Give 'em a break.

We're gonna do this
one more time, I'll give you a chance

to redeem yourself.
We're gonna try it one more time,

use that brain,
squeeze that noodle,

cogitate.

Part two...
You're gonna try this time, right?

You're gonna try it?
Don't help him. Don't help him.

Part two...
It's a two-part elephant joke.

What did Tarzan
say when he saw the elephants

come up the road
with sunglasses on?

Come on.
Come on. Come on.

COLYAR:
That's all right, he didn't say shit.

He couldn't
recognize them. And then...

And then you moved
on to a more risque elephant joke.

How do you make
an elephant come?

And the all-time
elephant favorite,

the Mercedes-Benz

elephant joke.

How many people
in the room own a Mercedes-Benz?

Okay I'm
sorry, lease...

Lease a
Mercedes-Benz?

Okay, how many
people wish like hell they had a Merc...

Give...give him
a hand, my man right there with the hat.

What's your
name, brother?

What's your name, bro?
What's your name?

Huh?

COLYAR: Claremont?
Can you take that spot... That spot off him

'cause that glare
come off his head fucking me up.

Don't...

Claremont,

they named you
after a street. Okay, Claremont...

Um...

We're dedicating
this last joke to you, my friend,

because you'd like
to have your very own Mercedes-Benz.

Ladies and gentlemen,

we're dedicating this
joke to my friend, Claremont,

because he'd like
to have his very own Mercedes-Benz.

Ladies and gentlemen,
who we dedicating this last joke to?

AUDIENCE: Claremont.COLYAR: Come on, say
it like you mean it.

AUDIENCE: Claremont.COLYAR: Claremont,

this Bud's on you.

Now don't tell
this at home.

True story.

An elephant
and a mouse,

pretty good
friends.

Pretty good friends
indeed, were walking

through the
jungles of Africa.

Minding their
own business,

walking down the
street...wait,

I'm sorry brotha,
the path...the path.

Elephant trip,

falls into a huge
hole, starts screaming, "Save me. Save me."

Mouse says,
"What the fuck do you expect..."

He said, "Wait,
wait, I got an idea."

Mouse runs home,
goes into his garage,

gets out his
Mercedes-Benz... True story.

True story.

Drive down to
the Ace Hardware,

buy some rope.

Puts the rope in
the back of his

COLYAR: Mercedes-Benz.AUDIENCE: Mercedes-Benz.

Drives back out to
the hole and shouts down to the elephant.

He say, "Listen,
I'm gonna tie one end of this rope

"to the back of my..."

COLYAR: Mercedes-Benz.AUDIENCE: Mercedes-Benz

"You tie the other
end to your snoot.

"See that way,
when we pull out, you'll be saved."

It worked.
It worked.

Pretty good
friends?

Pretty good
friends, indeed.

Claremont, are you
still following this story?

Okay, good.

A couple days later,

the elephant and
the mouse walk

through the jungles
of Africa again

minding their
own business.

Walking down...

WOMAN: The path.

The path.

This time the
mouse trips,

falls into the hole
start screaming, "Save me. Save me."

So of course the
elephant whips out his dick...

Duh-huh.

Drops it in
the hole...

Duh-huh.

Tells the mouse,
"You run up my dick, you'll be saved."

It worked. It worked.
And Claremont,

Claremont, do you
know the moral of this story?

Hey, if you got
a big dick, you don't need a Mercedes-Benz,

don't worry
about it.

Okay now...

[AUDIENCE CHANTING]

Give me your hand.
Give me love, baby.

Are y'all ready
for the next

comedian?

AUDIENCE: Yeah, bring
out the next motherfucker.

COLYAR: Yeah,

please welcome Angelique.
Give it up ladies...

[MUSIC PLAYING]

What's up,
New York?

How y'all doing?

Ooh, is that
my baby daddy?

Thank you.

It's my first time...
First time in New York,

it is a blessing
to be here.

I know about the cold
as a brick out here.

Y'all got a lot
of things in common with L.A., though.

I hear y'all
got a lot of area codes,

718...what...
What else y'all got?

212?

It's like that in
L.A., we have a lot of area codes,

but they got gangs.

When I first
moved to L.A., I was in the 213s,

and the big homies,
rotary and dial tone, they was like, "Look,

"we don't like 818s,

"714s,

"909s.

"You get caught
slipping, they taking your phone cord."

So I'm at the pay
phone one day, right? I'm on the phone,

these guys just
rolled up on me.

Phone check, punk.

I was like, "Excuse
me, I am a lady."

He's like,
"You right baby, you right.

"Phone check,
trick."

I'm like,
"Fool, this 213."

So I throw my set
cause I'm down from mine, all right?

They was like,
"Oh what you from, Sprint?"

I was like, "No."

"Oh you must be
from AT&T then."

I was like,
"No fool, this is MCI."

They was like,
"So you got friends and family huh?

"Okay you rollin'
like that."

So I called the
big homies, I was like, "Look man,

"they just jacked
me. Yeah,

"this is what
we gonna do.

"We gonna get us some
cordless phones.

"We about to do a
star sixty-nine on these motherfuckers."

How many people
got relatives in jail?

Everybody
in jail,

my uncles,
my brothers,

that's why I had
to cut my hair.

Somebody had to be
the man of our family.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I ain't swinging,
I like bones in my fish, okay?

That's right.

No fillets
for the kid, no fillets for me.

But you know the
sad thing about getting letters from jail,

you know what
the sad thing is?

As soon as you get it,

you got to pull
out your red pen,

correct it,

mail it back so
they can rewrite it.

Spelling hello with
a W on the end don't make no sense.

Then my brother
think... He trying to be Muslim now.

But he say he not
that kind of Muslim.

See, I can eat the pork
as long as the pig was raised in church.

Hey, I can still eat it.

Had to enlighten him...
On...on something.

Did y'all know
the first Muslim was a white man?

Y'all remember
Alfalfa.

You remember that
little tight suit.

That little
bow tie?

Always selling stuff?

I'm watching a tape
on the Little Rascals, no lie,

Alfalfa coming
up the street.

"[GREETING IN ARABIC]
brother Buckwheat."

Buckwheat was like,
[SPEAKS GIBBERISH]

No nothing
against Muslims.

I support the Million Man
March all the way.

[CROWD CHEERING]

It's great.

Black men
together in peace.

They say next year
we're going to have a million women marching.

What you all think?

We can do it?
Million women?

Well I... I think
we pretty much got it together.

The women got
it together.

See I think they need
to have them hoochies out there in March.

That's what they
need to help.

Could y'all imagine

just a sea of blond
and burgundy dookie braids with black roots?

And they guest
speaker come up.

"Hoochie hoo.

"As I look out
amongst my sisters,

"I can see we been hair
weaved, tattooed,

"tanguerayed.

"We didn't land in
that low rider,

"That nigga wanted
to ride with us.

"So today I want
y'all to take this pledge,

"put yo hand on your
hip and say your name...

"Say your name.

"I...say
your name..."

"Shamiqua, have the
sounds of my core,

"a cold body and
niggas on my mind

"will not fake
pregnancy to get abortion money

"to pay my rent.

"I will broaden
my horizons.

"My ideal black art
will no longer be St. Idesposters.

"I will not name
my kids after cars.

"Come here Volvo,
sit your little butt down.

"Mercedes,
park it.

"And I will not tattoo
all my baby daddy names on the same arm

"because you know
they don't get along."

You guys have
been fun,

my name is
Angelique.

Keep supporting the arts.
Thank you very much.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I can dance my
ass off in my car.

Hey y'all be doing that?
You be driving, you be jamming like a motherfucker

and then you get
to the dance floor,

"Oh no, I don't dance in
public. Thank you."

Are you ready
for the next comedian?

AUDIENCE: Yeah,
bring out the next motherfucker.

COLYAR: Now, let's
try it with just the male voices.

Are you ready
for the next comedian?

MEN: Yeah, bring out
the next motherfucker.

Whoo! That
shit felt good.

This man is a
personal friend and a very, very nice man.

He is hilarious.

You'll be seeing
him on several shows this season.

I taped one with
him yesterday. Um...

I can't say the other
network, but he...he just got a thirty minute

special doing comedy.

He is so funny
and so fantastic.

Uh, this is his
second appearance here, I understand,

I didn't know
he did one here before because,

you know,
I just got cable.

My cousin...[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

No really, my cousin
hook up everybody in the building

for fifteen, twenty
and you don't pay but once a year.

Anyway, the man
is quite fantastic.

He's from Atlanta.
I want you to bring him in here with some real love.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Bruce Bruce.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

What's up, y'all?

[AUDIENCE RESPONDS]

Oh man, I got a
problem being big.

People just pick on you
because you're big, you know what I'm talking about.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

As a matter of fact,
let's go get something to eat after we leave here.

We got to ride in
your car, you get

in the front,
I get in the back.

Car look like it
full with niggers, you with me?

Everybody gonna be like,
"Oh look at all them

"niggas in that car, man."

Be two brothers
riding in that motherfucker.

People pick on you
because you're fat, you know what I'm saying?

I go to the grocery
store today.

You know, I'm just
walking around with my cart

getting something to
eat, you know I can't miss no meal.

Little girl about
three years old just looking at me.

So I'm trying to walk on,
I say, "What's wrong with this little girl?"

She tell me,
"Hey fat daddy.

"Hey fat daddy.
Hey fat daddy."

I tried to skip a aisle
on her, you know what I'm saying,

till her, "I see
you, fat daddy."

People pick on you
because you're fat, you know what I'm saying?

I'm in church
last Sunday.

You know how you
get out of church, everybody congregate,

you know what I'm saying?
I got my double-breasted purple suit on, you know,

I'm clean.

Little girl pull up
my jacket, "You don't want to play, Barney,

"you don't
want to play?"

"Now go now,
go ahead on, go on.

"Leave me alone,
little girl."

Get in town yesterday,
get me something to eat,

you know I can't
miss no meals.

Go to Kentucky
Fried Chicken.

It seems like there's
bums everywhere you go.

I come out of
Kentucky Fried Chicken,

I got a bag over
my shoulder.

Brother talk,
"Hey big man, what you got in that bag?"

I say, "Some chickens."

He get all excited,
"Ooh, I like chicken, I like chicken."

If I guess how many in
there, can I have one?"

I said, "Man, if
you guess how many are in here,

"I'll give you
both of 'em."

He said, "Three."

Like y'all kiss
there going home.

What he say?

And I'm gonna tell
y'all something. If the police pull

you over, ask for
your driver's license and insurance,

go to his car, come
back, ask you to get out of the car,

it's a known fact
you're going to jail,

you know that?

Police gonna pull us
over last night.

He said, "Can I see
your driver's license, insurance?"

I said, "Yeah."
Gave it to him, he came back.

He said, "Can you
get out of the car?"

I said, "I ain't
getting out of this car."

He gonna try to open
the door, I lock the back. Click, click.

He said, "I'll
tow this car in."

I said, "I'll ride
in on the back of the wrecker.

"I ain't getting out
till my family get here.

"I seen what you
did to Rodney King."

That's my time,
I'm Bruce Bruce. I'm out of here.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I brought my hat
out here because people said

I didn't have no hair
from, you know here up.

I said I got that hole,
there's a hole...

There's a hole at
the top and shit,

a lot of us get that,
don't worry about that

because it's not
what's on the head,

it's what's in the
head that counts.

Uh, can we have a big
powerful applause for the gentleman who

just left,
Mr. Bruce Bruce.

Are you ready
for the next comedian?

AUDIENCE: Yeah,
bring out the next motherfucker.

Ain't no more
motherfuckers tonight.

No, we out of
motherfuckers

and this one is not
that complicated.

Real quick. Two
drunks sitting at a bar.

One turns to
the other one and he said,

"Did you sleep with
my wife last night?"

And the other one said,
"Not a wink. Not a wink."

Ladies and gentlemen,
let's bring up the man

who makes this
thing possible

every week for us,

Mr. Russell
Simmons.

Thank you
very much.You got it.

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God bless you,
good night.

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