Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

KID CAPRI: Straight out of New York City,

it's the Russell Simmons' Def Comedy All Star Jam.

Welcome to the stage, Mr. Joe Torry.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

What's up y'all?

Y'all in the house?

Oh, shit, we gonna have some fun in this motherfucker.

Y'all came out to laugh, say, "Hell, yeah."

AUDIENCE: Hell, yeah!

All right. Shit.

It's all good, get your shit off the stage, man, fuck.

See all these goddamn shows, get your fuckin' feet off the goddamn stage.

Damn, seven seasons, you motherfuckers

still puttin' your foot on the goddamn stage.

And you still puttin' your foot on there.

In that old-ass patches shirt.

Them type... Them type of shirts are makin' it look like you stank.

I don't know why they wear them type of shirt.

Patrick wear that shit and be stankin' and shit backstage.

Motherfucker up.

What's up, man? Give it up to my DJ, man.

I got to give it up to the baddest DJ in the land.

He's like my brother, man.

Kid Capri, we go everywhere, man.

Say what? You cool, man?

[INDISTINCT TALKING]What you say, hey?

Hey, don't be fightin' up there.

What the fuck is wrong with y'all?

Oh, somebody havin' a seizure?WOMAN: Yeah!

I thought he said somebody was in his seat.

Damn.

I done made a motherfucker laugh into a seizure.

[CHUCKLING] Hey, look, I mean

you gotta know when to stop laughing.

"Motherfucker some shit hurt, motherfucker.

"Nigga, I can't breathe."

Don't be tryin' to sue me later, shit.

All right.

[LAUGHS]

Goddamn, I'm quittin' this shit.

"Joe Torry got me $2.1 million.

"Only way to make me laugh to this shit."

That's fucked up.

Probably some freaky-ass girl next to him talkin' about,

"Damn, I should sit on his face."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"Look at the way his tongue movin'."

"Fuck, chill out, chill out, chill out, chill."

How are y'all?

I better clean some shit up, talkin' about, you know,

Russell and his pornography, I'm just...

That was a joke.

Russell and shit, you all be labelin' him a Michael Jackson and shit.

Michael Jackson's a pimp, man.

Y'all shouldn't let, you know, let that shit fool y'all,

he's a pimp.

How old was these goddamn kids, is what the fuck I want to know.

I mean I know it's old news, news, but I'm trippin' now

'cause I got a kid now, and I'm like, you know, it's fucked up.

I'm sayin' 'cause that shit didn't happen to me,

you know what I'm sayin? Couldn't have happened

'cause I had, you know, we had rough-ass childhoods and shit, you know.

Ain't no kid over at Michael Jackson's house

on welfare or no shit like that.

I mean, you know, "Motherfucker, you can't grab my dick

"unless you gonna put some food stamps down that motherfucker."

You know what I'm sayin'?

Cause it's fucked up, 'cause you know I was an army brat, you know?

My father's military, so I grew up, you know,

I grew up, like, you know, this... Some of this is new.

I grew up like on army bases all my life, you know what I'm sayin'?

And all I know is all that army talk,

and you got square meals, and the house and all that shit.

Then, you know, my father been to war,

so that shit like scared his ass, you know what I'm sayin'?

He been, like, Vietnam, Korea.

He used to snap out.

See, war will drive your ass crazy.

He used to wake up in the middle of the night chokin' us and shit.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

You know what I'm sayin'?

You know, "It's an enemy in the house, enemy in the house."

You know, "Fuckin' we're your kids, get the fuck up off us.

"The second time this week and shit."

Fuck, he sweatin' and shit, got camouflage on his fuckin' face.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Fuckin' trip wire layin' all through the house,

we can't even get up and get no water at night.

We had to go through that shit, you know what I'm sayin'?

My mother left his ass for like three years,

'cause she was like, "I can't take this shit."

So we left like from one of them forts way on the West Coast somewhere

and moved to Jamaica, Queens and shit, you know what I'm sayin'?

I didn't know, you know, for real.

But it was like a culture shock, you know what I'm sayin'?

Cause you know, army bases, you know, you grow up,

you know, you got all this shit.

I didn't know nothing about no welfare, food stamps,

none of that shit until this day, you know what I'm sayin'?

You know, I'm mad at my mother.

'Cause she told me that, you know, we had to go on welfare.

Six kids, my mother by herself.

You know, she told me that shit was like the new money.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Food stamps was the new money, you know what I'm sayin'?

Sent me to school with that shit on a field trip.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

You know, I'm a little kid and I'm, you know, I don't know no better.

I'm just happy to go on a... You know, you a kid,

you happy, you get to go on a field trip, you know.

Just sign a note, you bring it home, you like,

"Damn, I get to go on a field trip, cool."

You know, little kids standin' around braggin', you know,

"Yeah, how much money you got to spend?"

"I got five dollars."

You know, one little kid, that's a lot of money for a little-ass kid,

so you go, like, "Damn." And it's always one rich kid,

he got like the most money.

"How much money you got?" "I got ten dollars, y'all hangin' with me."

So I'm the new kid, and they all lookin' at me like,

"Yeah, look at his shit, he got... How much money you got?"

I'm like, "Shit,

"I got books and books of money."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"Y'all gonna be hangin' with me."

They was like, "Books and books of money?"

I'm like, "Yeah, pow, pow, pow."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

It's like, "Motherfucker, them's food stamps,"

I'm like, "Uh-uh, that's the new money."

Shit, I couldn't even get in the goddamn park.

That's the type of childhood I had.

That's why I'm angry now.

Shit, sometimes I just have like little angry things.

You know what I'm sayin', I just go off.

Childhood will do that shit to you,

it'll come back to you when you're old and you realize, you know,

"Damn, I had a fucked-up childhood, I should fuck somebody up."

This motherfucker.

Like we don't see you sneakin' through this motherfucker.

Who you... Who you runnin' from?

[MAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

Tryin' to help somebody, or have a seizure?

Is he cool?

He's all right? Cool.

That's the only reason why we let you move,

'cause you know you can't move, you know what I'm sayin'?

From this shit, 'cause the cameras catch your Captain America ass...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

...runnin' through this motherfucker.

I thought Spiderman was behind your motherfuckin' ass or some shit.

Motherfucker...

What's that shit he got on.

Stars and stripes, what, is the shield stuck in your ass?

And he to the rescue and shit,

"Somebody's havin' a seizure."

So are you all ready for the next comedian?

AUDIENCE: Yes. Is he funny?

Hell, yeah, ladies and gentlemen.

Coming to the stage, all the way from D.C.,

give it up for my man, T. Rexx.

What's up, what's up, what's up, what's up?

How you all doin'?

AUDIENCE: All right!

Where my white people at, where they at?

[LIGHT CHEERS IN AUDIENCE]

Okay.

I'm sorry, pigment-challenged, I'm sorry, sweetheart, how you doin'?

Pigment-challenged. What's up, sweetheart in the balcony?

Surrounded by niggas.

You ain't... You ain't learned shit from the O.J. trial, did ya?

They didn't teach you shit.

Well, you would have got fucked up in the riots.

Black or not, you would have got fucked up in the riots, goddamn it.

'Cause you look white from here, shit.

I don't give a fuck. I'll fuck with the white people, though.

I can't smoke weed with them though.

Ever since that Jeffrey Dahmer shit,

I can't fuck with white people and munchies, you know what I'm sayin'?

Y'all motherfuckers start goin' crazy.

I had... I had the privilege of smoking with some rednecks

in Columbia, South Carolina.

These motherfuckers were crazy.

Rednecks crazier than a motherfucker, man.

Sittin' there smoking weed with these motherfuckers, goin' crazy.

[INHALES DEEPLY]

[IN SOUTHERN ACCENT] "See now, that right there..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"That there's the shit, okay?

"That's what I'm sayin'. Now wait up, hold on now,

"don't jump the gun now. That there's the shit."

[INHALES DEEPLY] "Whoo!

"That there's the shit." [COUGHS]

"That there's the shit,

"that there's the shit."[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

"Wait, that there's the shit.

"Goddamn. Wait, hold up.

"Can you all see me, 'cause I sure can't see y'all.

"Goddamn."

[IN NORMAL VOICE] So I couldn't fuck with 'em too tough.

I was trippin' one day, I was smoking some weed in my hotel room and shit

and I was checkin' out cable.

Y'all ever seen Forrest Gump?

All right, for those who have seen the movie, Forrest had a kid.

Remember this? Forrest got the booty.

Forrest got a... remember when he came on himself at school?

When Jenny took out her breast and Forrest came on himself?

She said, "Forrest, have you ever been with a woman before?"

[IMITATES FORREST GUMP] "I was sittin' next to them in home economics."

She... [CHUCKLES]

She took her breast out, Forrest came on himself.

[GASPING]

"I feel dizzy, Jenny.

"Don't touch it, don't touch it, don't touch it, don't touch it.

"I feel dizzy, Jenny."

How did...

How did Forrest even go about asking for the booty, know what I'm sayin'?

"Jenny, can I break you off a little somethin'-somethin'?"

"I'm not a smart man, but I know what booty is."

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah. [CHUCKLES]

"These are my magic balls."

Yeah, so... [CHUCKLES]

You know what else I was watchin'? I was trippin' on this shit.

I was watching All in the Family the other day.

The show with Archie and Edith Bunker?

Remember this? They had a daughter, Gloria.

Y'all remember Gloria, the one that left the show to start doing those

annoying-ass commercials at two o'clock in the morning?

Remember that shit?

Archie and Edith had a daughter, now think about that.

They had to have sex to have Gloria.

And I think that the key to a good sexual relationship

is oral sex.

I have a black belt in tongue fu.

[SCREAMS]

[CHUCKLES]

And Archie and Edith was married for like what, 35 years or some shit?

I think they was havin' oral sex.

As a matter of fact, I even caught the episode.

When Archie and Edith were having oral sex, it was episode 69.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Archie came home and asked Edith for a blow job, I was trippin'.

Archie came home from work.

[HUMMING]

Ahh!

[CONTINUES HUMMING]

"Ah, geez, what the hell is this?

"Ah, see, it's got one of them...

"Hey, Edith!

"What's you doin' in the kitchen there, heh?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Oh, Archie, I'm fixin' your dinner."

"Yeah, that's very nice, dear.

"Edith, could you put it down and come in here for a second, uh-huh?

"I got somethin' to show you."

Edith run up in the room,

"Oh, Archie!

"Oh, Archie, oh, Archie, ohh!

"Oh!"

"Yeah, that's right, dear Edith,

"what you're looking at is 100% USDA beef.

"Just, wanted you to go downtown here, Edith."

"Oh, Archie, I don't know if I could do that."

"Would you jammy up and give me head?

"Yeah, that's what I'm talkin' about here, Edith,

"I swear to God, ow, ow, ow, Edith, Edith, Edith,

"take your teeth out, Edith, take your teeth out."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

"Scraping up the jimmy there.

"Don't be scrapin' up the jimmy.

"I swear to God..."

Fellas, did you ever have a blowjob that feels so good you just feel like singin'?

Just feel like turning the whole sexual experience into a musical and shit?

"Oh, jeez, I swear to God, dear Edith, oh, God, God,

"what you doin' with your tongue there, Edith? Oh my gosh, oh, oh."

My name is T. Rexx, y'all have been a lot of fun, thanks a lot.

T. Rexx, yo.

Without further ado, are y'all ready for this next comedian?

AUDIENCE: Damn. Is he funny?

Hell yeah, ladies and gentlemen.

From D.C., second time playin' on Def Jam, rippin' shit up.

We got a lot of D.C. people on the show.

Give it up for my man, a veteran from way back,

Mr. Pierre.

What's up, New York?

Motherfuckin' howlin', howlin'.

From Washington, D.C., representin'.

The Million Man March was positive,

you know what I'm sayin'?

I don't care what the media said.

Media tryin' to say wasn't but 400,000 motherfuckers down there.

Fuck the media.

Motherfucker. I don't care if four niggas come together,

if there's peace and unity, nigga, I'm happy.

Motherfucker, fuck 'em.

You heard 'em down there,

"We're down here with Farrakhan and he wanted a million black men,

"but he didn't get it.

"Only a couple showed up." A couple only showed up.

Had them same brothers started rioting,

it would have been a million niggas then.

"Jesus Christ, there's niggers all over the place,

"I've never seen so many niggers in my life.

"They comin' from Africa, they all in the Reflecting Pool.

"Damn. Jesus."

"About eight million niggas down here."

See, ain't that a bitch?

Soon as a nigga pick up a brick, he multiply by three, ain't that a bitch?

Motherfucker.

I met... I met... I met a girl one time.

Straight from The Ricki Lake show.

Straight hood-rat, she was under-the-hood-rat.

Motherfucker, she was a carburetor rat, you know what I'm sayin'?

A transmission rat.

She was nasty.

I went over to her house, right?

I went over to her house, man, to holler at her.

I went over to her house, get to her bedroom.

You know she's somebody who got a filthy-ass bedroom,

I mean just piles of clothes all over the damn floor?

Look like laundry day every day?

She talkin' about, "Take off your clothes."

And niggas, you know how it is when you in...

When you go to somebody else's house

and you don't feel too comfortable.

"No, you take your shit off first.

"I don't live here, shoe for a shoe,

"take your shoe off, I'll take my shoe off, same time, fuck that.

"Go on now, I ain't... Hey, I ain't takin' my shit off first."

Oh, so I'm gonna take my shirt off, I hear... [KNOCKS]

"Say, what the hell is that?" [GASPS]

"That's my daddy, oh shit. Get down, get down."

I say, "What the hell?" "Who in there?"

"Hold on, Daddy, get down in the corner, get down."

I got down in the corner, I'm hidin' and shit.

She puttin' socks and shoes and shit and drawers on my head.

I'm hidin', I'm in the corner, I got some drawers on my head.

And I'm hidin' like a bitch.

And I'm lookin' through the drawers

at a pile of clothes in the other corner, lookin' at me.

Oh, hell no.

[CHUCKLES]

Bro like, "Nigga, I been here since Wednesday.

"Better howl it, nigga. She don't wash it but once a week, brother."

So I'm ready to do this shit, right?

But I gotta pee. You know how you can't, you know.

I go to the bathroom, I say, "Hold on girl, Gotta go to the bathroom."

So I go to pee, right? But my johnson is hard, though, you know,

it's pointin' up.

And fellas, you know how the toilet be down, though.

You can't bend it.

Ahh!

So what a nigga do?

He put his hand on the wall and just lean back.

You know what I'm motherfuckin' sayin'?

[CHUCKLES]

Fuck that.

So I come back in the room, right?

Come back in the room.

She talkin' about, "Let's do it, let's get it, come on, let's get it."

So I said, "All right, cool." So we started messin' around,

we start making love, start doin' it, we're workin' it, workin' it.

She said one word every man hate to hear.

I'm workin' it, she talkin' about, "Ah, ah, ah, deeper."

What the hell is wrong with y'all ladies, like a nigga ain't tryin' to go deep.

You know, it's like we got some extra dick around the corner we hidin'.

"Oh, you want the big dick, oh."

Motherfucker.

[CHUCKLES]

And the thing about it... Ladies, ladies, when you say deeper,

what does every man do? Twist his waist. "Deeper?"

"Hell no, I got this nigga, I got all the side to side,

"I want the back, nigga, the back.

"I got the side to side."

And then... And when they say deeper, that's your ego, fellas.

You know your ego gets injured. You hold yourself up,

"Now hold on, deeper? I ain't no bull... Ain't no bullshit no nigga."

You start holdin' yourself up,

and you be workin', fellas.

And you be workin' so long that muscle back here start to hurt

and them arms start to wobble.

It's like, "Fuck it, you hold me up."

Too much pressure, too much pressure.

And... And that's an ego thing, too.

The woman be like, "Deeper, a real man can fuck me."

That's a, "I'm gonna kill this motherfucker tonight."

You be workin', sweatin' and shit.

Slobberin', and she's still talkin' about,

"Deeper, a real man can go for it."

Don't take that shit, fellas.

If you workin' the best you can, you workin' that ass,

you doin' everything, you puttin' your ass in it, your balls,

you're holdin' yourself up.

She still talkin' about, "Deeper, a real man can fuck me."

You look at her and say, "No, no, no.

"Fuck deeper, how 'bout you tighter, tighten your shit up."

Here, y'all.

Here.

Here, in the house.

Shit was funny, man?

He didn't like...

You sittin' there like, "Oh, shit."

Like you had a good-ass meal, "Oh...

"Yeah, that nigga was good."

"Put some hot sauce on him."

All right y'all. Are you all ready for the next comedian?

AUDIENCE: Damn. Is he funny?

Well, it's not a he.

You've seen all the guys come up here

and this lady right here, you know what I'm sayin',

she's from Los Angeles, California.

She came here before and ripped it up.

Got her own style, you know what I'm sayin'?

She gonna come out here and get deep, down,

and tell y'all what's happenin'.

Please welcome back, you know what I'm sayin',

she's like rockin' the house, messed it up before,

you'll know her when she comes out.

My girl, Miss Sheryl Underwood.

All right, let me clarify a couple of things I've heard tonight.

Let's talk about this tight pussy.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I want to tell the church this evening,

don't be tellin' somebody to tighten up their pussy.

My pussy's already tight.

Pussy is so tight,

it's tighter than a rubber band around

a Sunday newspaper, pussy tight.

Pussy so motherfuckin' tight, I could smoke a cigarette

with my pussy, it's so tight.

Ya fuckin' with the wrong bitch,

that's what your problem is.

Now, let's talk about something else.

Now, they kind of glazed over O.J. Simpson.

Let me talk about O.J. just for a minute.

I want the world to know

that we, as a people,

were not only cheerin' O.J. Simpson not guilty,

we were cheerin' the skill of Johnnie Cochran.

[AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS]

But what we were not cheerin' was domestic violence.

Now I... I really want to bring this to the people.

I know why the Brown family was cryin' so hard on the stand.

Because they watched their daughter get her ass whooped

and didn't jump in.

[AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS]

Had it been a black family...

[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

It would have been a little bit different.

Had it been me, and I'm fuckin' Kid Capri...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND GROANS]

And I'm not loadin' the records up fast enough in the trunk of the car.

Hold on, hold on now, hold on.

And he wanna knock a bitch out,

I'm gonna crawl into the house and get on the phone

and call my mamma, Joyce Underwood, my father, Cleo Underwood,

my sister Sandy, my sister Mae,

my sister Rochelle, my brother Chris,

my brother Steve, my best friend Norma, my girlfriend Hope...

And three or four motherfuckers I fucked prom night.

And they're gonna get in the car, and come over to the house

and whip that motherfucker's ass.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

But when I go back to sexy-ass, pretty, yellow Kid Capri

the family will say,

"Bitch, you're on your own."

Brothers, when you're in college, who is it that typed your term paper?

Had it made, Susie Q, a sister.

Who is it that put the Icy Hot on your football injury?

Had it made, Susie Q, a sister.

Who is it that steal food for you from the dining hall

'cause your financial aid ain't come through, but a black woman?

But when you get that NFL contract

and you get that NBA contract, who do you marry?

You marry Bambi, you run the other way...

'Cause you feel like a sister is a gold digger.

We tryin' to get your money.

Brother, I don't want all your money,

I just want to go to the grocery store

and get me some pantyhose every once in a while.

I don't want all your money.

You should have been fuckin' with a country ho

such as myself from Arkansas.

You would have got your dick sucked

and biscuits from scratch up in that motherfucker.

Hold on.

I'm not tryin'...

I'm not tryin' to say you can't date anybody you want to date.

Love don't have no color.

I date any kind of man. I know you all wants to know,

sure, have you ever fucked a white man?

Yes I did, once in my life,

but that's because the rent was due.

And that motherfucker was the landlord.

But now, I own the building.

Peace out.

Sheryl Underwood, y'all.

Goddamn.

Goddamn. [CHUCKLES]

Sheryl will be preaching at...

[ALL LAUGH]

The First Tabernacle Church on 125th,

openin' up Sunday.

I'm glad she was last.

I gotta smell all this dick from her breath on the mic.

Before I bring the man up here who makes all this happen,

I want to dedicate this show to a woman that I... I...

I had the pleasure of workin' with,

taught me a lot the little time I worked with her.

Worked with her and Rock, when he was on

and then Tales of the Hood.

Miss Rosalind Cash, a very good black actress.

Who passed away, you know what I'm sayin'?

But for me to say that to y'all

is because of my man, Mr. Russell Simmons.

Give it up, y'all.

Yeah.

We got a rap for y'all.

Thank you all for coming out, God bless you, goodnight.

Love y'all, thanks for the support.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

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