Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING] KID CAPRI: Straight out of New York City.

It's the Russell Simmons' Def Comedy All-Star Jam.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Please welcome to the stage, Cedric the Entertainer.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Wassup, New York?

Yeah.

Cedric the Entertainer up in here.

[LAUGHING] You know what I'm sayin'?

Yo, 'cause I feel like I'm clean, that's that "I'm clean laugh."

[MIMICS LAUGHTER] Oooh.

I love that motha... Okay,

all right, I know you feelin' like you clean too.

Look at you, boy. Southern playa listening.

Know that? Look at him.

And he got on a Bobby Jone latta Mo, let's straighten in out.

Clean boy, clean, no reason, sharp.

You know them re-suit from two different Easters.

'82 and '75, do you know what I'm sayin?

Shit don't go together. It don't go together.

Love ya like a playa cousin, dawg.

Yeah, you know that my man, yo brother, how you doin, bro?

Just chilin'. Y'all lookin' good around here.

Chilin. Chewin' that gum, dawg. You straight?

You hungrier than a...

"Nah, they ain't got no wings in this mo'fucker place?

"I mean, this ain't nothin' but jokes goin' on up in this mo'fucka?"

[MIMICKING LAUGHTER]

Whoo!

I was trippin' out there, see, I heard that Bobby Womack, and all that.

See, that's, that's good music right there,

'cause you don't know what these singer's talkin' about today, do you?

Bone Thugs-N-Harmony, where they going with they ass? Where they...

I know, I thought they were Spanish. I could swore they were orderin' Taco Bell.

I didn't know they were talkin' about.

All of 'em man. Ol' Dirty Bastard.

I thought he was hemorrhaging. I ain't know what was wrong with the boy.

Is he gonna be okay?

That's all I need to know.

Ol' Dirty, just worried about you, Ol' Dirty.

"Ol' Dirty, get in here.

"Clean your room, Ol' Dirty."

You can't listen to the radio no more,

you can't. I was ridin' around with my daughter, six-year-old daughter.

I was kickin' it, you know. Spendin' some of that court required quality time,

you know what I'm talkin' about.

You know what I'm sayin'? I love her just the same.

We just ridin' around, kickin' it, you know, and she singin' what's on the radio.

I really wasn't even trippin' off of it, except that she sings.

And you wonder what all of these cats are gonna do when they get old.

Like all these rap singers. What they gonna do when they get older, you know?

You know, how most people get old and live a thug life

and then, you know, get old and turn to Jesus.

You know, everybody got that one uncle in they family that kill like nine people,

now he in church, tryin' to tell you how to act.

Shut up, Uncle Nate, you ain't nothin' but a thug on Earth, boy.

I'm just sayin'. You think Snoop gonna turn to the Lord?

Like, be like, 65, be the Reverend Snoop Doggy Dog?

It's nothin' but a G Thang, It's all good, Missionary Baptist Church.

Come out talkin' about, um, "Good morning!

"Today's scrizzipture

"gonna come from Rizzevalations."

Dr. Dre in the background, "Hell yeah,

"keep that head ringin."

There a lotta churches all, that's... Church is a good thing for black folk.

That's how OJ got off.

I knew he was gonna get off as soon as Johnny Cochran turned into a preacher.

You know it? Soon as he started preachin', you pretty much knew OJ,

cause can't nobody handle a good sermon, can you?

You know how you be messin'. I knew it.

Cochran started out normally, didn't he?

He came out, you know, regular Johnny Cochran, you know.

"If someone did somethin' like that, you would say

"that person was racist, now, wouldn't you?"

And it was like, "That's right, that's right, Johnny."

By the end of it, he was, "And OJ, ha, ha, didn't do it.

"He didn't have the Bronco that day, ha, ha.

"What about the dog? How come the dog didn't say nuttin'?

"Whoo, hoo, hoo, whoo, hoo."

"Praise the Lord.

"We gonna have an 'A' and 'B' selection from the choir

"while the jury deliberates."

Went to the Million Man March, you know, brother still atoning.

Get my atonement on.

Know what I'm sayin'? Just, you know, got to be atonin', you know, steady atonin',

I'm still atonin'.

Always atonin', you know.

I had to look it up to realize what I was doin'.

You know what I'm sayin', cause, you know, Farrakhan got me in

here with some words, you don't know. You be like,

"That's right, that's right."

I was glad though. I was a little worried at first, you know,

cause they, you know, it was like a Million Man March, and you know,

I didn't get no itinerary faxed to me or nuttin' like that, you know.

And I was a little concerned, you know, a million bro's together, and you know,

don't nobody know what the hell goin' on.

You know, that's just a barbeque waitin' to happen. Y'all know that now, you know.

Cause a brother can't hear, he'd be like, "Shit, let's cue then man, damn."

Brother mad they can't eat no ribs cause

Farrakhan still there, you know.

Brother sittin' in the back, talkin' 'bout, "Damn, man, shit.

"When Farrakhan leaving, man?

"Fuckin' ribs smellin' gooder than a mo'fucker, damn."

[MIMICKING LAUGHTER]

And I was readin' in the paper too, the other day, they got this new thing now.

They got white scientists tryin' to prove it's a gay gene

in the body that make people gay.

Y'all believe that?

You know, I ain't goin' for that, dawg. You know what I'm sayin'?

I mean if you gay, fine, be gay, you know.

But don't be actin' like I could have caught it,

you know what I'm sayin? Don't be...

You know, like it's the flu or somethin', you know, what I'm sayin?

You, you been normal all your life, somebody sneeze, on you, achoo,

you wake up the next morning like, "Ooh."

That ain't true, cause if that was true, it was a biological gay gene,

that mean God put the gay gene in everything

that reproduce sexually, like humans, therefore, you have gay dogs.

They'd be gay cats, gay birds, gay worms.

Somewhere on the farm, it's a big ole gay cow just,

just... Mamoo...

Mooooo...

Moooo...

Heifer.

Y'all ready to have a good time up in here, New York?

[CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

That's how everybody dance.

All right y'all, be gettin' hyped up, y'all ready New York?

How you feel? All right.

Cedric the Entertainer here, at the Def Comedy All-Star Jizzam.

All right, we gettin' ready to blow it up y'all.

Coming to the stage from Chicago, Illinois, back for his second time.

Y'all please give it up for my man, Mr. George Wilborn.

Let him hear it.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

Wassup, New York, how y'all doin'?

AUDIENCE: All right.

Oh, I thought I was in the house.

Wassup, how y'all doin'?

Now, see I let y'all know somethin' about me right off the bat,

since you got a problem communicatin'.

I am from the mothafuckin' side of West Side of Chicago.

Public motherfucker, know what I'm sayin'?

I was born in a public hospital.

When I went home, I went home on public transportation.

I went home to public housing.

Went to public school.

Dropped out and I ended up on public aid.

What I'm tryin' to tell your ass is that I need somethin'

private in my mothafuckin' life.

Now, I went and hanged out here in New York

and I went and checked out my boy off in Brooklyn.

You know it's always strange when a motherfucker falls on hard times.

You ever been over somebody's house,

where everybody and everything in the house just broke?

I mean, just everything in the house, just broke.

Soon as you walk up toward the motherfuckin' house

they start yellin' out shit not to touch.

"No, no, don't use that banister, don't use that, man.

"That banister broke, you gotta use that one."

"No, no, don't sit on that side of the couch, you gotta sit on that side."

I went to go light a cigarette on the stove,

"No, no, no, don't turn the stove on. Just light it on the pilot."

I went to turn the TV on, "No, no, no dawg, don't turn it on.

"Just plug it up, it's already on."

Dead broke like a motherfucker.

Not only do you have to jiggle the handle, sometimes

they got to lift it up and lift that little ball up outta there yourself.

Just broke motherfucker.

In Chicago, it got hot as hell.

It got hot than a motherfucker, it was just,

the heat was killin' motherfuckers.

It was so hot.

My question to you.

How you let heat kill you?

Now come on, people. How the fuck you let heat...

Look, I might get taken out by a lot of shit,

but heat ain't gonna kill...

I'd be butt naked in a grocery store before heat...

I'd be butt naked, sittin' in front of the food,

"What up nigga, what up nigga?"

"Fuck you nigga, fuck you.

"I'm tryin' to beat the heat, nigga, fuck you, man.

"Here your pizza is, man, go ahead."

Do you know it's heat, do you know there's air condition in jail?

It's air condition in jail.

I will slap the motherfucker police.

"What up, nigga, what up?" Pow.

Oooo, shit boy.

How y'all doin'? Now if you believe in this brother,

I want you to clap, stomp, beat on your, I mean, you know.

I want you to make some noise, you know,

if you, if you mean this, if you believe in this.

How many men in this room, honestly and truly

enjoy having sex? Let me hear you make some noise if you enjoy having sex.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

With yourself, with yourself, with yourself, with yourself, with yourself, with yourself

with yourself, with yourself.

Oh no, oh no, you nasty man.

Oh, no, dawg. He nasty.

Oh, he would pump that about, "Oh yeah, oh yeah."

He'd pump that out.

He's nasty.

My name's George Wilborn, y'all, peace out, love, Chicago

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Yeah, Yeah. Y'all give it up for George Wilborn.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[MIMICKING LAUGHTER]

Ooh...

Y'all gotta do that with me, it feel good.

Just, whenever you feel it, just...

[MIMICKING LAUGHTER] Ooh!

The world done went ghetto, ain't it?

I went to a ghetto weddin' this summer. You ever, man,

you ever seen two ghetto ass people who love one another

and get together in holy matrimony?

It's a sight to see, you know what I'm sayin'?

I get, you know, my cousin, she ghetto.

She done came down the aisle in some white Daisy Dukes.

Got a veil on, got on a pair of gold mules

two sizes too small, so,

you know, her heel just hangin' off the back, you know what I'm sayin'?

She trying to keep them on just slidin', you know what I'm sayin'?

Just rippin' up the little crepe paper they done put down there,

and just tore that all up in half and shit, just...

Flower girl ain't got no flowers,

just a big ol' basket of sunflower seeds,

just droppin' 'em.

People are pickin' 'em up talkin' 'bout,

"Eh, this is a bomb ass weddin' right here, boy."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

She done snuck some Luke Base music up in the weddin'.

You know, cause the way it was real traditional at first.

She was comin' down the aisle all normal, you know,

[HUMS WEDDING MARCH]

[BEATBOXING] Come on girl now,

shake that ass up.

Whole damn weddin' jumped up. Hoes!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Might as well make a little change up in this motha'.

[LAUGHS]

Y'all ready? How you feel?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[MIMICKING LAUGHTER] Oooh.

Y'alls in the house. Alright y'all,

comin' to the stage, Sonya D.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Hey New York, what's up, what's up?

Y'all make some noise in this biatch.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Yeah.

All ladies in the house say, "Hey."

WOMEN: Hey.

All the boys in the house, let them dogs out.

MEN: Woof, woof, woof.

That's right. Ladies look, let me ask you a question.

If you are tired of these brothers callin' you bitches, say, "Hell yeah."

WOMEN: Hell yeah.

That's right, we ain't got no bitches in here.

But I know damn well we got some hoes.

All the hoes in the house raise your hand.

Let me explain somethin' to you.

If the word "ho" offends you,

you the ho I'm talkin' to.

And if you gonna cheat on your man ladies, be honest.

You ain't gotta lie.

'Cause you know your brother gonna lie.

My man came home at 10 o'clock the next day

talkin' about he spent the night over at his boy's house last night.

And I knew he was lyin'.

Because I spent the night over at his boy's house last night.

Hell no, you ain't gotta lie.

Be real with your shit.

Let me explain somethin' to you ladies.

When you mess around with these brothers, that shit ain't love.

You ain't in love, you ain't makin' love,

you just passin' that old trusty ass.

And I love messin' around.

The only thing I can't stand about messin' around,

and ladies you know where I come from when I say this shit.

When we get with these brothers talkin' all kinds of shit,

but they can't back that shit up.

Always hollerin' he got the bomb.

Talkin' bout, "Girl, my shit is da bomb."

Well, will you please blow me the fuck up?

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Blow it up.

And I hate messin' around with them brothers that want you to talk to 'em during sex.

Motherfucka talkin', "Girl, say my name, say my name."

Bitch, you didn't tell me your motherfuckin' name.

I don't know your name.

[APPLAUSE]

And let me explain somethin' to you ladies.

Now, y'all listen up.

Messin' around ain't shit but a booty call.

And it's easy to have a booty call too.

Because it's all you gotta do is let that brother know

up from the get go what's goin' on. "Look brother, look.

"Now, this is what we gonna do.

"Now, I'm gonna give you a little ass.

"You gonna give me some back.

"I'm gonna holla at you later."

You gotta let 'em know.

Tell that brother, "I do not love you.

"Really don't like you."

"And when we're through, don't you call me.

"I'll call you."

You gotta be real with that shit.

Cause I'm tellin' you, reason why I say that shit is

because a brother tried to front me

at the show because he saw me with another brother.

Ain't neither one of these motherfuckers my man.

He was mad as hell too.

I was happy to see him. I was like, "Hey Boo.

"Hey Pooky." He said, "Don't you fuckin' hey me.

"What's this shit, Sonya?"

I'm like, "Brother, what's what?"

"Oh, you with me Friday night.

"Now you with this brother Saturday night? Sonya, what's up?"

So I'm like, "Damn bro, you wanna switch days with this motherfucker, what?"

Ass is ass.

Ladies, you laughin'. But hee, hee hell.

If you are using a brother just for some ass,

you cannot get mad at him if you see him with another female.

'Cause that is not your man.

That's right.

You gotta be real with your shit, that's right.

See the reason why I say that is because my girl,

she came to my house because she was hurt.

Brother she knocked boots with was down at the club with another female.

And I know that's a hurtin' feelin' ladies, but that is not your man.

And she was cryin' too, y'all. I was like, "Baby, what's wrong?"

"Girl, it's Michael,

"he down at the club with another bitch."

I'm like, "Girl, stop all that damn cryin',

"that ain't your man."

"But that not the point."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"I fucked him."

And I'm like, "Goddamn, I fucked him too, I'm not mad."

Peace, that's the end of my time.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Yeah, yeah, that's right, that's right.

Just chilin' man, how you all doin' man?

Just killin' man. See, don't, don't we need

to go back to the old days, y'all.

I mean when life were good.

Mom and Dad were together, that whole thing, y'all remember?

I touched him, I touched him, that's all I wanted to do,

dawg, I just wanted to touch somebody in the room.

That nigga was like, "Damn, that's true."

You know, 'cause black folk break up over little stuff,

you know, arguments, you know, what I'm sayin', cards.

You know, a whole black family,

black family will end over a games of spades, God damn it, we will.

Adultery, you know, adultery ain't got nothin' with us, you know.

Your daddy get caught cheatin' all day, let his ass reneg.

"Get out."

They be trippin' man. And I was trippin' off this the other day too, you know,

'cause, you know, black folks don't never be no part of a mass murder, you know.

That ain't our thang, to get killed with a lot of other people, you know.

You know. And reason is 'cause we learn how to run. We run, you know.

You know, we talk a good game,

but when everyone start runnin'...

Brother gonna run. Brother ain't...

If somebody got up in this room right now

and took off runnin, about nine people would be like.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

See, cause we run, dawg, we don't, we don't be, we don't ask no questions

why we runnin'.

We don't need to know the reason we runnin'. It ain't,

you know it, you know, it.

Obviously, that ain't none of our business what going on back there.

So once we stop runnin', I will ask somebody what we was runnin' about.

See, them white folk need to know though, don't they?

"Jesus, what's going on back here?

"Oh Jesus, oh, Jiminy, gosh, darn it.

"Jesus Christ.

"Why didn't anybody tell me?"

"You saw us runnin'."

You know. That one thing about us.

You don't have to make no announcement.

Nobody get up yell, "Hey dawg, we gonna run," nope.

You be in the middle of a conversation,

let somebody run, you'll break out, you'll be,

"Yeah, so Keith..."

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Damn, dawg, you scared me, man.

I thought somebody was comin'.

You know, black folks got this thing with screen doors.

I don't know what the hell.

"I can't come out right now."

Mommy in the background, "Close my screen door."

[MIMICKING SOUND EFFECTS]

That screen door, see, that leads to the front porch,

that's important to black folks.

We love the front porch, that's our thing, you know.

We, you go visit your people down south, you all know.

You sit on the front and play "That's my car," you know.

Y'all know what "That's my car" is?

"That's my car right there."

"Uh, uh, that's my car, I been called that car.

"I said next two cars was mine.

"That's my car."

We get to arguing over some, "That's my car," boy.

Your momma gotta come out and break up the fight, wasn't she.

Come out that screen door,

"Who called the car first?

"Well, Dante, it's his car then.

"Shit, make y'all play on the back."

Yeah.

AUDIENCE: Yeah.

[MIMICKING LAUGHTER]

ALL: Oooh.

Alright y'all, how y'all feel?

All right. Comin' to the stage, from Detroit, Michigan.

Welcome back again to make you laugh, give it up for my man, Mr. Mike Bonner.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

AUDIENCE: A'ight.

All right, as long as y'all feel good, give it up for my man, Ced,

throwin' down, give it up for Ced, y'all.

Brother, throwin' down.

I'm happy to be in New York, man, I ain't gonna lie, I feel good to be here,

I ain't gonna lie. I'm just away from my damn kids back in Detroit.

I'm just happy as hell to be here, man.

If you got kids, you know what the hell I'm talkin' about.

Kids will get on your goddamn nerves.

Waking up all early on Saturday morning

and want to eat shit you ain't got.

"I want some Captain Crunch,

"I want, I want..." [LAUGHTER]

"We got the corny flakes up in this motherfucker."

Kids will drive your ass crazy. I live by one rule.

Your kids bother you, bother they ass right back,

don't let your kids fuck your day up.

How you on the train, drivin' on the freeway, talkin' to yourself.

[LAUGHING]

Don't let your kids fuck your day up.

Get 'em back. I got my kids back good as hell about two weeks ago.

I put them both in the car, I said, "Daddy,

"about to take your ass to McDonald's."

They was excited like a motherfucker, "We are goin' to McDonald's, we are going."

I swear to God, I drove by 45 McDonald's before I stopped at one.

They was in the car losin' they goddamn mind.

"Hey, Dad. Hey Dad...

[INAUDIBLE]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Hey Dad...

"Hey Dad, you passin' it."

"I gonna be good."

"Dad, dad. I hate you, you big eared motherfucker."

Get your kids back.

One little joke, real quick, one little joke, real quick.

Three fly ass girls from any urban school in America

takin' a spelling bee for a 10,000 dollar scholarship.

The word they gotta spell is the word "dictate."

First little girl get up, she fly as hell, "Dictate. D-I-P-K."

Fuck up. [IMITATES BUZZER]

Second little girl go, "Dictate, D-I-C-T-P."

Fuck up. [IMITATES BUZZER]

Last little girl go up, she fly as hell.

Got a little bubble gum and she chewin' it,

got long ass fingernails, big ass weave,

brand new titties.

Brand new.

She say, "Dictate, D-I-C-T-A-T-E, dictate."

Teacher like, "That's right, little girl.

"Now put this in a sentence,

"and you'll win the whole thing, the everything."

She say, "Dictate in a sentence, that ain't shit, um, let me see.

"Dictate in a sentence.

"My boyfriend's dic tates so good last night."

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

Mike Bonner, y'all!

Give it up for Mike Bonner.

Yeah.

Hey, you say New York City.

Hey, I love it man. Alright y'all, we gettin' ready to wrap it up.

We gonna bring to the stage the boss in blue jeans.

Give it up for my man, Mr. Russell Simmons.

Yeah.

[MIMICKING LAUGHTER]

AUDIENCE: Oooh.

Thank y'all for comin' out, God bless you, goodnight.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

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