Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING] KID CAPRI: Straight out of New York City.

It's the Russell Simmons' Def Comedy All-Star Jam.

[PEOPLE CHEERING]

Put your hands together for my man,

the new all-star host, Mr. Chris Rock.

[CHEERING]

Wassup?

Def Jam.

You niggas ain't getting dressed for shit, are ya?

[LAUGHTER]

Going to be on TV and won't get dressed.

Damn.

This brother got on fatigues and shit.

Got on his Army shit.

What, you just got back from Dessert Storm?

You know, that's the first sign they're going crazy?

Fatigues and the next sign is raincoats and shit.

I saw so and so with a raincoat on.

What's going on? Brother's got his afro,

the dreadlock section and shit, huh?

Dreds are played out, man.

Ain't nobody call y'all up, huh?

That was about four years ago, man.

You just can't get them out, huh?

Well, next time you'll learn.

Don't follow a trend so fuckin' fast, huh?

Ain't getting dressed, all right.

Hey, white guy and shit.

All right, Hair Club For Men, all right.

I'm not only the president, I'm a client.

He's like the white guy, the real white guy and shit, you know.

'Cause, there's another white guy and got a sister.

Come to Def Jam, huh?

You going to go to Silvia's after this shit?

[LAUGHTER]

"We're going to do black stuff this week, honey.

"Honey, we're going to do black stuff.

"We're going to go see Dead Presidents,

"we're going to be real black this week.

"I'll show you."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

What the fuck goin' on, man?

Everything all right? What's goin' on? OJ's shit, shit's over.

He's free. Free. Free.

The shit's like, black people too happy, white people too mad.

White people pissed like, "Fuck, bullshit.

"Fuck, I can't believe this shit!

"He fuckin' got off! Fuck, bullshit, fuck!"

I ain't seen white people that mad since they canceled Mash and shit.

Mad, man. I don't know.

Fuck OJ, fuck Nicole.

What about the real victims?

The real victims. Everybody OJ, Nicole.

What about the real... You know, who the real victim is?

Ike! Ike Turner.

'Cause Ike was the king of the woman beaters till OJ took his title.

Now Ike walking around going, "Hey, I could've killed Tina!

"What about me?

"Give Ike a break, damn it!"

[APPLAUSE]

I know you're not supposed to joke about shit like that no more.

You know what they say, domestic abuse, domestic violence.

You know, they say there's no reason to ever hit a woman.

Shit, there's a reason to hit everybody.

You're just not supposed to do it.

Shit, there's a reason to kick an old man down a flight of stairs,

just don't do it.

Hey, I would never hit a woman.

I would never ever hit a woman.

But I'll shake the shit out of a woman,

"What the fuck is wrong with you?

"You out of your fuckin' mind? Kill you, bitch."

Just jokin'. Just fuckin' jokin'.

A lot of women here, that's cool, I like women.

My mother's a woman, that helps.

You know a cool thing about women,

a woman can fall in love with an ugly man and admit it.

Show him off to all her friends and the family.

Be the ugliest fuckin' guy in the world.

They'll be so proud of that ugly man,

they'll hold his hand, they'll drag him all around the place.

Introduce him to people like, "This is Kevin. I want you to meet Kevin.

"I know he's not that attractive, but he's good to me."

A lot of good movies out. Dead Presidents,you know.

Vampires and shit. Lot of cool shit.

Lot of black movies. You know what's fucked up?

There's no good black porno.

A white porno flick is a real porno flick.

Got actors and actresses and a plot. Even has extras.

People walking around, they're not even fuckin',

just pickin' up shit and leave.

Ever see a black porno flick? They're the sorriest shit on earth.

First of all, they film them on View-Masters, all right?

There's no actors, no actresses,

just a bunch of naked black people sitting in a hotel room

looking at a shitty camera goin', "Is it on? Is it on?"

"Well, give me money, I want my money.

"I'll fuck her but I better get paid, all right?"

You watch a black porno flick, you always see old,

out of work black actors, too. You're like,

"Ain't that the guy from What's Happening?

"Ain't that the brother from Barney Miller?That's him."

You know what else white guys got good?

White guys got good dirty magazines.

White guys have Playboy and Penthouseand Hustler.

You know what brothers got? Playersmagazine.

The lowest, dirtiest, nastiest magazine on the face of the earth.

The pictures aren't even in focus, that's how bad it is, okay?

Just a bunch of pictures of black girls sitting on the toilet, all right?

[LAUGHTER]

And every time you like, turnin' and the girls like,

"No! Stop! Close the door.

"Close the door, dammit."

You get Playboy,the girls are posed all nice and sexy.

They got the pumps on, fishnets, ass all out.

Them pussy hair is combed.

It's like pussy's got a perm.

You get Players, them girls are all mad

'cause they only getting 10 dollars.

Their pimp is takin' eight.

They all mad, they like...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Pussy got dandruff.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And a bald spot.

You get Playboy, the girls are all airbrushed.

You know, you don't see no marks whatsoever.

You don't see shit.

You get Players,you see like the stretch marks from the 10 kids she had.

See a big bullet wound in her ass.

And the next night she's on America's Most Wanted.

You always see a sentence over a naked woman

of some shit she might have said.

You get Playboy'sall nice and white, the girl's like,

"You know, sometimes I'm riding my bicycle

"and I'm fantasizing about me and my boyfriend making love."

You get Players,that shit's all black. The girl's like,

"You know, one time my man hit the number,

"made me run home and put on my good panties."

All women in here got the good panties.

You know, what I'm talking about.

Those panties, you know them panties you put them in the back on the left.

Those panties you wear when you just might fuck.

You go out with a good man, put on the good panties.

You know what I hate? Big panties.

Guys know what I'm talkin' about, big fuckin' period ass bloomer panties,

been passed down from generation to generation.

Like, 'Your grandmamma wore these panties,

I wore these panties, you should wear these panties."

Big fuckin' panties, you stretch them,

they come up to the bra.

Big ol' drag racin' panties.

Like, "Shirley Muldowney, you almost crashed into the wall.

"What saved you?" "Big panties popped out."

I hate them big panties, man.

When you see a girl in a pair of little panties, man,

that's the best shit in the world.

I got a girl at my house with some little panties,

I won't even fuck her for a hour.

I just have her in my house gettin' shit. "Baby, you get the salt?

"Little panties gettin' the salt."

It's the best shit in the world.

You see a girl in a big pair of panties, you like,

"I got a job ahead of me.

"I ain't gonna fuck her for an hour.

"Where the fuck am I gonna put her?

"All I got is a studio."

All right, welcome to the Def Comedy Jazam.

[APPLAUSE]

Give it up right now if you're happy to be here, all right?

Def Jam.

Now our first comedian's from Philly.

That's right, please welcome Ronnie Long.

Give it up for Ronnie, ya'll.

Wassup?

Brooklyn's a crazy place.

Man, I was out in Brooklyn, man walking through the Fulton Mall.

Wild, I seen one nigga out there robbin' himself.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Hey, I know you've got it."

Hell of a thing, man.

Get locked up for robbin' your damn self. Man.

'Cause I ain't trying to get locked up, 'cause the media's crazy.

You ever notice the media has a good way of makin' brothers look bad?

You ever watch the news or something, they show a brother going to jail in slow motion?

Make 'em look bad. He come out of jail in handcuffs,

he's trying slow motion like this, in handcuffs.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And I love women, man. I love women, man.

Women lookin' good. One thing I like about sisters, remember back in the day,

when the sisters used to come out and do the drill team steps, man, remember that?

I use to love that. They'd be in the school yard jammin' like.

"One, two three. Hit me beat."

♪ Yomeeka, yo. Yomeka, yo, spell Mississippi

♪ You take my "M", my "I", my cocolady, cocolady ♪

"Remember that shit?"

[APPLAUSE]

"And 'member, certain girls used to get into it more than other ones.

"Like the shy, they be like, "You take..."

The shy girls be like, "You take my "M", my "I" my coca..."

They was shy. Then there was them project girls.

Remember them, man?

And you knew they're from the projects by their hair style, remember?

Hair be real pretty in the front and back here it was like nothing.

Remember that shit?

Bitch be growin' potatoes in the back of her hair, some shit.

Man, I need me a girl. Man, I meet a lot of girls that got kids.

I ain't got nothin' against girls that have kids,

but it's like you can never have a conversation

on the phone with a girl that has kids.

You ever try? So, all you get is this shit.

"Hi, how you doin'? I'm doin' fine. You hold on...

"Rasha put it down, Rasha. Put it down.

"Hello, I'm sorry, that's my... Hold on.

"What the fuck did I tell you?"

But I like, like to watch a lot of movies and shit.

What's up with the brothers in Chinese movies?

They got a brother, they get a brother's most,

the most fucked-up voices in China.

You ever notice that? Ever seen Return of the Dragon?

The brother in there? "May I help you?" "May you help me?

"Sure."

"I like some Chinese spare ribs."

"Uh, Chinese spare ribs?"

"You mean to tell me you don't know what Chinese spare ribs are?

"Well, let me show you, man." And they start hitting.

The hits be late and shit, the sound effects.

[MIMICKING SOUND EFFECTS]

Sometimes too early.

Can you wait till I hit his ass, please?

Yo, my name's Ronnie Long.

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

[APPLAUSE]

A'ight.

He was a'ight.

AUDIENCE: Yeah.

Do you all feel better now?

Do you trust me?

AUDIENCE: No.

[LAUGHS]

All right, now the next comedian's from Washington D.C.

D.C. Are y'all from D.C.?

Oh, you know they got the mayor's on crack in DC, all right?

Don't be braggin' about D.C., the mayor's on the pipe.

They're acting like it's a nice place.

That shit is Crackylvania.

I was at the Million Man March and shit.

There was Farrakhan, there was Jesse, and Marion Barry was right there.

I was like, "Damn, I hope they didn't give him the meal money."

"Ain't nobody gonna eat tonight."

It's like, "Marion spent up the money. Smoked it up."

Y'all from D.C.? Y'all voted for a crackhead, y'all realize what you did?

You realize black people all across America

think y'all are out of your fuckin' minds.

Who the hell lost to Marion Barry? What was they campaign?

"Fuck the kids, vote for me.

"I'll shoot your ass, vote for me."

What the fuck?

All right. Comin' to the stage,

is a woman, a lady.

All right. I want y'all to please welcome Dominque.

[APPLAUSE]

What's happening, y'all?

What's going on?

I almost ain't make it though, 'cause I got in here and I saw some signs that said,

"No smokin'."

And see, let me tell you something, I smoke.

I smokes down.

I'm high now, I'm going to be high when I leave,

and I'm going to be high when I wake up in the motherfuckin' morning.

You understand?

And see, that's probably why I don't have no damn job.

See, I had a good job but my boss came to me, she said,

"You know, Dominque, tomorrow's your drug test."

[CHUCKLES] I just looked at her. She said, "Well, why you laughin'?"

I said, "'Cause this must be my last motherfuckin' day.

"'Cause I'm positive than a motherfucker.

"I pee in that cup, leaves and smoke

"and all type of shit will come out that cup.

"The nigga that sold me the shit, his name would come up out the cup."

And people always talkin' about, well, when you smoke weed

you just can't remember.

Everything wasn't meant to be remembered.

I bet if your ass owed me some money, I'd remember that shit.

Whatever. What?

And them people smoke weed, they complain like everybody else,

talkin' about, "Dominque, you can smoke, but you don't know how to roll."

I don't need to know how to roll.

The niggas that I roll with know how to roll.

What? What?

And she fired me because she was an old ugly ass lady.

I don't understand ugly people, they start trouble.

If you ugly, don't have no kids.

The shit is not fair.

Then they want to grow up and marry kids like my kids.

No monkey man motherfuckers in this family.

And you know when you got an ugly child, just be pretending they cute.

You see, you, you know you got an ugly child...

You can walk in the mall and see somebody you ain't

seen in a long time and shit.

You be like, "Hi Lisa, how you doin'?

"That's your son?

"Well, what you been up to?"

They don't even acknowledge their ugly asses.

And I had a ugly boyfriend, too.

He was ugly, but he wasn't broke.

'Cause there ain't nothin' worse than a broke-ass man.

If your ass broke, you need to be locked the hell up.

And maybe once you get off that chain gang,

you understand a little bit better.

And you always know a broke man.

Girl, don't you ever date no man that drive no car

that end with no "O".

Geo. Yugo. Pinto. Tempo.

'Cause that "O" stand for somethin'.

Oh my motherfuckin' goodness, don't even go there. Shit.

Peace, God bless. My name's Dominque.

[APPLAUSE]

All right.

Give it up for Shirley from What's Happening. Come on.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Rerun and Raj will be here a little later.

I'm just jokin'.

[LAUGHS]

Y'all, you been, ever been in bed with a girl,

you both talkin' dirty and you go too far?

Say some shit that gets you kicked out of bed?

And she's like, "Fuck me, fuck me. Harder, harder, fuck me. Fuck me, fuck me."

"All right, you little slut."

"Who you callin' a slut?"

And you gotta apologize and shit.

Take it... "Hey, I just meant slut in a good way."

If you gonna talk dirty to your woman,

you got to talk with authority.

You can get a woman to do any nasty little thing you want.

You say that shit like a man, you make a little eye contact.

Look in her eye. Come here, come here, you gonna do this shit.

She'll do it.

Anything you mumble ain't gettin done.

'Cause you can't be in bed all unsure like,

"Excuse me, excuse me,

"eh, could you lick my balls?" "Huh? Huh?

"I ain't lickin' nothing.

"Lick you own balls."

See, if you had said it right, you'd have been in there.

Now you got dry balls.

'Cause that's how life is, man, you know, you got confidence wins.

You know, confidence wins. This is 1996 damn near,

some women still don't give head.

Ninety-fuckin'-six, no head. It's damn near the Jetsons out this motherfucker.

Some women still don't give head.

Whenever I meet a girl that doesn't give head, I look them

like a fuckin' Betamax. Like, they still make you?

They still make you?

Some guys don't eat pussy.

Like, "I don't got to eat shit, I'm from the old school."

Shit, you don't eat no pussy, boy, you gonna lose your woman like a set of keys.

"Damn, she was here a minute ago.

"Okay, I got out the car.

"Walked over here."

I remember one time I this girl's pussy so long, I got a hangover.

Cops gave me a breathalyzer.

Just jokes. Just joking.

All right, so I got to bring out the next guy.

This next guy is from Brooklyn Zoo.

Brooklyn Zoo.

Please give it up for Rudy Rush. Come on.

[APPLAUSE]

Wassup?

[CROWD CHEERING]

Give it up for Chris Rock one more time, y'all.

[APPLAUSE]

In the house. How y'all doin'? Chilin'?

Y'all, I want to talk to you 'bout somethin' real quick.

'Cause this is some serious, serious stuff.

It can happen to anybody in here.

By a round of applause, how many people

are familiar with these black market tapes they sellin' now,

by round of applause? Bootleg tapes?

For those of you that don't know,

that's when somebody takes a home video camera,

goes inside the movie theater, and films the movie and sells it on the street.

Now, some of y'all that purchased some of those know what you get into.

Sometimes you get a nice clear one, right?

But you know some of the consequences, right?

Every once in a while you got that one motherfucker

walking through your movie to get some popcorn. Some shit.

I experienced some new shit yesterday with these movies.

I'm watchin' a new movie, Dead Presidents.

Anybody seen that? It's phat, right?

I'm at home by myself, watching this movie, I'm gettin' into it.

Movie's clear.

All of a sudden, this brother goin' to jump up on my screen,

talkin' about, "Hey, watch this part,

"this is a good part, right here y'all."

I was like, "What the fuck is this?

"No.

"Oh, shit."

It was like, what's goin', you know how you, after the,

after the movie is over, you get the credits, tell you who was up in the movie?

Think I had credits on my shit?

The same brother jump up give me shout-outs.

"Word. Peace to uptown, Brooklyn in the house.

"Thanks for buying my tape kid, I'm out."

Damn. Shit is fucked up.

New York is, New York is the bomb though, right?

I love living in New York, man.

There's no place, no better place, y'all.

But we, we're, we're misunderstood though, right?

Anybody from out of town thinks things here are too crazy?

I know we got problems like welfare, homelessness, crime, drugs.

But anybody know what the real problem is?

Y'all don't know? Roaches.

Come on, let's get real. Some of us got roaches to the point we come home

12 o'clock at night, come in the kitchen, like,

"Oh shit. I got roaches."

But I went to go visit this young lady and her family, it was out of control.

I mean everything... Everything was cool at first.

I'm meeting everybody, meeting the father.

"How you doin', sir?"

Met the mother, "How you doin', ma'am?"

Roaches off in the corner.

"What, motherfucker? You can't say nothing to us?"

I was like, "My bad, kid, wassup?

"What's goin' on? Chill."

Well, what was messed up.

I didn't recognize one of them from my old apartment.

Well he, 'cause he'd got big and was lifting weights and shit.

I was like, I was like, "You got big."

He said, "Nigga, they got food in here."

And I can't be messing with y'all girls too, man, 'cause in the nineties,

things are dangerous.

And I'm going to tell you women right now,

y'all got to stop getting us men beat up in public.

Y'all laughing. That shit ain't funny.

And y'all try to front fellas, we try to act hard,

"Yo, that ain't goin' to happen to me."

We know how to avoid shit.

Women, y'all don't let shit slide.

I went to the movies with my girl, we goin' to see The Lion King.

All of a sudden, four big motherfuckers came out of nowhere.

Smoking mad weed, talkin' shit right behind us.

"Ha, ha.

"Yo kid, yo, you know what we ain't do in a long time?

"We ain't fucked nobody up in a long time, yo."

I'm standing there, they right behind me.

I'm like, "Ha, ha, they gonna fuck me up."

But I'm chilin' though.

You know what I'm sayin'? I'm chilin'. I'm ignoring it.

But then they start talkin' 'bout my girl.

"Look at that shit, kid.

"Yo, she got a fat ass right, just like your baby bubba shit, right?"

Now fellas, we gonna try to ignore it, right?

I'm like, "Yeah, what time this movie start?"

But can y'all women ignore that shit?

Hell no, my girl was like,

"You don't hear them motherfuckers talkin' about my ass back there?"

And fellas, we switch out real quick, right?

"See, see that's the shit I hate.

"You think you the only girl in line with a fat ass.

"They talkin' about that girl up there. Your shit ain't like that."

So I figure, I passed all they tests right?

Then they took it to the next level.

Started hittin' my ass.

I'm chilin' on line, like, "Yeah I'm straight now."

Shit, damn.

And I knew they knew I was hurt 'cause blood was

tricklin' down the back of my neck.

But fellas, are we gonna turn around?

Hell no, I was like, "Is this motherfuckin' building breaking up over me?

"They need to fix this shit. Word is born."

But then they took it to the ultimate level.

They hit my girl.

You know what I'm saying, it comes to a point where you gotta keep it real, right?

You gotta keep it real, 'cause that's your lady.

You know what I'm sayin? So I was like,

"It ain't hurt that much, did it?"

[APPLAUSE]

"I'm sayin'. All right?"

But you know, she wasn't lettin' that happen.

So I had to do something. So what I did was,

I punched one of them in they face.

I said, fuck it, I punched them in they face.

Then I ran.

But I forgot to tell her ass to run, too.

They had my girl. They was like, "Yo kid, Yo.

"We got your girl, yo." I was like, "So what, motherfucker?"

Yo, my name is Rudy Rush. Peace, out, yo.

[APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

All right. Rush, representing Brooklyn.

Women will get your ass in a fight.

That shit will happen to you, that shit, you know.

You know, "He called me a bitch.

"He called me a bitch."

I'm like, "Were you acting bitchy?"

Right now is the part of the show,

give it up for our founder, Russell Simmons.

Thank y'all for coming out. God bless you, good night.

Wow.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

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