Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

KID CAPRI: It's the Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.

Put your hands together for my main man,

Mr. Ricky Harris!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

[CHUCKLES]

This is the shit. The Def Comedy Jam. Y'all know what we do.

How many people here got dogs?

Clap your hands if you got dogs.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

See, not that many black people have pets.

'Cause we are not good with fucking pets.

Especially dogs, 'cause black dogs are like slave, ain't they?

Them motherfuckers be tied up they whole fuckin' life.

People... Other dogs be running by them going,

"You need to get your freedom.

"Got you tied up like you... You a king, king."

No, the black dogs don't know shit.

No tricks. White dogs be knowing all that shit.

Sit up, roll over, go fetch. All that shit.

Black dog don't know his fuckin' name.

You let that motherfucker go, he gone. [EXCLAIMS]

You out there, startin' to call him and shit.

You start off nice. "Butch, [LAUGHS] come here, Butch."

[WHISTLING]

"Butchie! Butch!

"Butch!

"Butch!

"Motherfucker, Butch!"

The dog like, [BARKING] "What, nigga, what?

"You don't never let me go nowhere! What?"

'Cause a black dog don't eat no good food.

No Kal Kan, no Kibbles 'n Bits.'

None of that good dog shit they can digest.

A black dog eatin' whatever your ass ate, ain't it?

And that's why the black backyard be fucked up, don't it?

It'd be shit in holes everywhere.

Don't it? Cause the black dog be mad. He'd be like,

[STRAINED VOICE] "I'mma show these motherfucker.

"Motherfuckers don't want to feed me no good dog shit."

"Mmm, I shit up his whole motherfuckin' backyard.

"And I don't give a fuck. And I ain't gonna pick it up 'cause I ain't got no hands."

[HARRIS CHUCKLES]

I had a friend, man, he went huntin'

and came back with this crazy ass... He had me trippin'.

He came back with this crazy-ass tale.

He had went huntin'... He had went bear huntin'.

These white cats had tricked him into go bear huntin'.

I was like, "Man, I wouldn't go with all them white boys, man,

"them motherfuckers might trick yo ass."

He said, "No, no, I'm goin' hunt some bears, man." He went bear huntin'.

And he saw this bear, man.

He pulled out his gun and started shootin'. Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow!

And missed the bear.

He said, "Damn, I was this close... Missed that damn bear, shit."

And felt something tappin' him on the shoulder.

He looked back and it was a big ass bear.

The bear said, "Look here, I can either maul you to death,

"or I can fuck ya in the ass."

Homeboy said... He looked around...

He said, "All right, all right. Go ahead, do it to me in my ass."

The bear started tearin' that ass up.

[EXCLAIMING] Tore him up. He went back to the cabin, ass bleedin' and shit.

He said, "Man, I'm gonna get that motherfuckin bear tomorrow."

"I swear to god I'm gonna get that motherfucker."

So, he went bear huntin' again with the... With a shot gun.

Started shootin'. Booya, booya, saw the bear, booya, booya, booya, booya, booya.

Missed the damn bear. He said, "Ain't that a bitch?"

Felt something tappin' him on the shoulder.

The bear said, "Look here, I can either maul you to death,

"or I can fuck ya in the ass."

He said, "All right, go ahead man, go ahead."

Tore that ass up, man. Man, he went back to the cabin.

He said, "Man, tomorrow, I'm gonna fuck that bear up.

"I'm a... I'm a blow... I'mma..."

He went and bought a bazooka.

Said, "I'm gonna fuck this bear up."

Saw the bear, he started... Booya! Booya!

Trees and shit was fallin'.

Smoke and shit was comin' up in the air.

He went and looked, missed the bear again.

He said, "Ain't this a bitch?"

Felt something tappin' him on the shoulder.

He turned around, the bear said...

He just pulled down his pants. The bear started tearin' up that ass.

While the bear was tearin' it up, the bear looked at him and said,

"Oh, you ain't in it for the huntin' no more, huh?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

All right, we gonna get this show started.

Y'all we gonna have a great show for y'all tonight. You know what I'm saying?

We got some bad motherfuckers tonight.

And our first comedian is from New York City.

So y'all ready for this or what?

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING][MUSIC PLAYS]

All the way from New York City, making his second appearance here,

put your hands together y'all for Flex.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING][MUSIC PLAYING]

Wassup?AUDIENCE: [CHEERING] Hey!

Let me hear the ladies say "Hey."

WOMEN: Hey!

Fellas say "a'ight."MEN: A'ight!

Here we go. What's goin' on? I'm feelin' good.

I'm feelin' very good. I'm in the house.

And I got to talk about some things.

The first thing I want to say,

fellas, we have to stop disrespecting our women.

Stop cheatin' on your women.[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

We have to. I'm serious. I'm so serious.

We have to stop cheating on our women.

'Cause I was cheatin' on my girl yesterday, right?

No, I'm serious. I'm cheatin' on her, right?

So, I'm walking down the street with this other girl.

And my girl comes walkin' up on me.

And fellas, you know you don't want that to happen.

You don't know what to do when your girl walk up on you.

She walk up on me, right?

You know, black women. She came up to me,

she's like, "Yeah, uh, give me a kiss." Mwua.

"Who's that?" You got to think quick on your feet. Real quick.

I said...

"Who?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"I don't know her.

"Get... Get away from me. I ain't got no more damn change.

"Get away from me!"

Gotta be quick on your feet, quick on your feet, quick on your feet.

You gotta stop it, man. Gotta treat 'em good. You gotta be different.

You gotta please your women physically.

I don't care what they say. Physical is very important. They could talk about,

"I want somebody to be with me mentally and as one."

No, no, no.

You know, you gotta do things. Don't be scared to explore that freaky side.

You know what I mean?

Do something like this. I'm gonna tell you what you do.

Your woman come home from a hard day's work, right?

You know, she coming in the door. Kiss her. Ask her how her day was.

Man, that's important.

That's very important to women. The little things like that.

She come in, say, "Hey, go in the shower, I got it running for ya."

You know, you cook a little something if you can cook.

Now, she's in the shower. She's happy 'cause you never asked her how her day was.

She's in the shower.

♪ I love my man, I love my man ♪

You hear the shower stop.

You run in there and you grab a towel.

You say, "No, no. I don't want you dripping nothin' on this floor."

You pick her up from the shower.

And carry her to the bedroom and you lay her down.

[AUDIENCE WHOOPING]

You say, "Wait right there." You go to the kitchen,

you grab a knife and you grab an orange, and you come back.

She gonna get scared 'cause she see the knife. She gonna say,

"I went to work! What you doin'? I went to work!"

I say, "No, no, no. Relax, baby, I got this, I got this, just relax."

You cut that orange up into fourths.

You take a piece of that orange.

You start to squeeze the juice down the middle of her back,

over her buttocks, down the back of her knees to her ankles.

Like a thirsty slave, you start slurping it all up very slowly, just...

Mmm.[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

And then you turn her over.

And once you turn her over, the look is going to be different.

It's going to be like...

You turn her over, you grab another piece of orange.

And you squeeze the juice down her neck,

over her breast, make a little on the nipple.

Go down, make a puddle in the belly button.

Go down, make a puddle right there.

I like to call it Jamaica.

'Cause you always want to tell somebody you been there.

You never want to leave and you always wanna go back.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

So, you start to slowly lick the juice off.

You come down her neck and you're licking the juice.

You get to the nipple and you take it off real, real sweet.

Just... [EXCLAIMS]

And you keep going down. You get to the belly button.

You get a real quick one... [EXCLAIMS]

And this way she get the arch going in her back like this.

And you keep going down.

You going to Jamaica and women, it's funny how they know where you goin'

'cause they, all of a sudden, get this arch in they back.

"Come here! Where you comin'... Come here! Where you goin'? Come here."

And she's pulling you and you's pulling, like, "Come on, chill, baby."

Said, "No, no, no. Come back to Jamaica.

"Make it your home."

But don't go and mess it up.

'Cause you go down there, you gotta do it right.

Don't go home. Be like, "Just lay down baby. I got a half gallon of orange juice.

"Shut up, just lay right there." [EXCLAIMING]

God bless y'all. God bless y'all. Peace.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

Keep it going for Flex, y'all.

It's our hometown, man, shit.

How many people in here smoke herb?

[AUDIENCE MEMBERS CHEERING]

I used to be one of those abusers.

And I had to cut down 'cause a friend of mine scared the shit out of me.

We were smoking one day.

We were smoking, and he just started freaking out.

Nigga jumped up and said, "Nigga, I'm invisible."

Motherfucker started taking off his clothes, running through the house.

I'm like, "Motherfucker, what are you doin'?

"I can see you."

Nigga was jumpin down, hidin'. "Nigga, you can't see me, nigga."

"Motherfucker, you right there."

Motherfucker says, "Let's go to the store,

"I can get something with my invisible abilities."

So, we head to the store. He all in the store, running and hiding and shit.

The store man looking at him like, "I can see you."

[CHUCKLES]

Motherfucker get back to the house, freaking me out some more.

I'm like, "This motherfucker is trippin'."

He talkin' about, "Man, you know how Fred Flintstone stop his car

"With his feet? I bet I can do that."

I said, "Motherfucker, you cannot stop your motherfuckin' car

"with yo feet."

And he go outside doing that shit, he doing like 70.

[MIMICS ENGINE REVVING]

Throw his... I see the nigga throw his leg out there.

All I hear is... [MIMICS TIRES SCREECHING].

[VOCALIZING CRASH]

Motherfucker go, "Ahhh!"

He gonna come over to the house the next day in a cast.

He's like, "Nigga, why you let me do that shit?"

I said, "Nigga, I couldn't see yo ass. You was invisible."

[CHUCKLES]

All right, let's bring up our next comedian.

We gonna keep this shit rollin 'cause we got... We got a bad brother.

We got a bad brother. He's from Brooklyn, New York.

You know what I'm sayin'?[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Re... Re... Represent, represent, represent.[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING]

Put your hands together, y'all, for Mr. Mike B!

[MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

Wassup?AUDIENCE: Wassup?

I like that, Method Man.

I rolled up on this girl in a club with that. Just like you.

This shit real?

'Cause that what I'm about to do. I'm a keep this shit real.

Too much crazy shit going on out here. Too much shit.

White people crazy as hell.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Crazy as... Y'all do some wild shit. And it's not racism.

It's just that we just don't understand some of the things y'all do.

A few weeks ago, y'all, this white man got shot

in a bagel shop because he wanted to be a hero.

Now, people, the shit didn't even belong to him.

He was in there buying somethin', just like me and you.

9:00 the morning black people, we ain't trying to be the hero.

9:00, 6:00 p.m., it don't make no difference.

'Cause a hero ain't nothing but a goddamn sandwich. We knew that.

We knew that shit.

Nine o'clock in the morning, first of all, we late already.

We in there tryin' to hurry this shit up.

"Oh, my God, I'm... Yo bro, give me that sesame bagel right there.

"Put some cream cheese on the bitch." "Freeze, put your hands up."

"Oh, shit.

"My boss ain't never goin' to believe I got held up in no bagel shop this morning, man.

"God damn."

And y'all know, y'all know damn well if it take too long,

we gonna help this shit along, bro.

We be like, "Yo, Harry, you takin' too long.

"Give him the shit, man, give it to him!

"Put it in the bag, nigga, damn!

"He look like he got all day?"

That's what we think.

That's not what white people think. That's not what y'all think.

Here's what he was thinking, "Freeze, put your hands up."

"Hmm..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"I'm approximately three feet from him.

"I can lunge at him and grab that nine and be a hero.

"Maybe even get the key to the city."

No, you'll get a bullet in your ass 'cause that's what he got.

And you know what the funniest thing about the whole shit was?

Somebody ran in,

and ran right back out when they saw what was goin' on.

You know who that was right? A brother.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]'Cause we ain't stupid.

Brother was hungry too. He went in and, "Oh, they got the slammin' bagels

"in this piece. I'mma get me an onion, I'mma get...

"Oh shit, this nigga robbin' this place here.

"Na, I'm gonna go to bodega and get me some butter roll and some z.

"I ain't fuckin' with this here."

"I don't even really like no bagels. I don't really like that.

"I don't got the feel for it today."

We just don't do the things y'all do.

Y'all see Italian people?

They hate to say... They hate when you say they black.

But they do a lot of shit like us, boy.

Italian talk to each other different.

Italian men, they talk to each other different.

They dis each other when they talk to each other.

We don't do that shit.

They take it to the next... The most we'll say is I'll be like, "Yo,

"this is my man... Oh, this a crazy nigga here."

That's as far as we go.

Not Italian brothers.

They each other, they disrespect and the shit is cool.

They be like, "Hey, Manny!

"Hey, Manny, hey, you fucking cock-sucking bastard hey, huh?

"This fucking prick here, I went to school with this dick sucker there."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You can't roll up on no brother and say that shit to your man.

"Yo, D, what's up? Dick-sucking nigga, you boy."

Yo, my name is Mike B.

[MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

Give it up!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

Barry White's gonna be looking for his ass, though.

"Oh, where is that nigga that talks that shit?"

[LAUGHS]

Hey check it, we want to do some introduction

to some celebrities that are in the house.

You know what I'm sayin'. 'Cause we got a gang of celebrities.

We gonna start off right now.

Put your hands together y'all for Wu-Tang Clan, they in the house.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

Also in the house, over here we got Salt-N-Pepa, y'all.

Give it up, and Spinderella.[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

How y'all doin', baby?

ALL: Fine.HARRIS: Mmm, shit.

All right, check this out, man.

Put yo hands together right now for my main man, Mr. Tone X.

[MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

Wassup, New York?AUDIENCE: Wassup!

Oh, hell no!

That ain't the New York that I be seein' on CNN and Cops.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Wassup, New York?AUDIENCE: Wassup!

Yeah, 'cause I came all the way up from North Carolina.

Y'all gotta give me some love. Hootie-hoo!

If you're proud to be black,

let me hear you say, "Whoop, there it is."

AUDIENCE: Whoop, there it is!

Now, I'm a equal opportunity comedian,

and I see some caucasians sprinkled throughout the crowd.

And I don't want to leave nobody out.

So, caucasians, give me, uh, "Achy Breaky Heart."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

There some good-looking women in New York, boy, hootie-hoo!

There some good looking women in New York!

Clap, women, clap! 'Cause you look good! Clap!

Now... Now...

Some of y'all women could have kept yo damn hands in your lap.

I don't know why everybody clapping for.

And I'mma let y'all in on a little secret.

I really don't care if you laugh at my jokes or not.

'Cause before I came here, I smoked me a half a blunt.

So, everything funny to me already!

See, I'm gonna laugh anyway!

Niggas, some of the older people looking at me talking about,

"Mmm, mmm, mmm.

"That boy goin' straight to hell."

I don't know why all you niggas don't want to go to hell.

I don't know why you don't wanna go where all yo friends gonna be.

Why you wanna go to heaven where you ain't goin' to know no damn body!

On the pay phone all day talkin about, "Nigga, what y'all doin' down there?"

"Ah, nigga, the same shit we was doin' before, nigga."

How many niggas in here smoke weed?

[AUDIENCE MEMBERS APPLAUDING]

I know some of y'all don't want to tell me you smoke weed

'cause you afraid your bosses gonna be watching cable.

And they'll be like, "How did he get by the piss test?"

So, y'all niggas that wanna be discrete,

y'all can hit me off like we had a weed auction.

You know.

"Got a nickel bag, do a nickel bag, nickel bag, nickel bag.

"Five dollars for a nickel bag.

"Ten dollars for a $10 bag. Now to 15, 15 to a quarter bag.

"Now 25 for a quarter bag.

"Twenty-five for a quarter bag going to a 30 sack.

"Thirty sack going to quarter pound.

"Quarter pound up top going to a quarter pound. Got a pound. Pound!

"Sold to the black-lipped blunt-smokin' nigga in the side."

Peace out, New York City! I'm Tone X!

[MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

All right, check this out. This lady I'm about to bring to the show

is a bad motherfucker.

Put your hands together y'all, right now.

Put your hands together for Ms. Wanda Smith, y'all.

[MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

What's happenin', New York? How y'all feelin'?

[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

Good! I'm here for all the women!

We gonna talk about these sorry ass men!

Men ain't shit![AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

Sorry ass.

We gonna talk about their ass tonight!

Men ain't shit! I ought to kick yo ass and every man up in here!

"Give me $20!" "I ain't got it. I ain't got it."

Broke ass.

I hate a sorry ass man!

How many women ever been with a man who just ain't shit? Clap!

Clap, ho, clap!

Clap, ho!

I'll tell ya what's happenin', ladies! I'm here for ya!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

Damn right, we gonna talk about these men.

They ain't shit nowhere!

You got some men out here that's good. Like you, little guy, little guy.

But you the type motherfucker buy a woman a drink and follow them all night.

Ladies, y'all ever have that shit to happen?

Brother buy you one drink and think his ass goin'.

You ain't goin', poo poo.

You got to talk to them like they children.

"You ain't goin', no, no, no, no.

"Sorry. Give me $20."

"I ain't got it. I ain't got it." Broke ass.

I hate a cheap-ass man!

That shit bothers me, honey!

Ladies, the next time you go to a club and a brother buy you a drink,

do like I do and I'm a smooth ho.

Smooth ho, smooth ho, smooth ho.

Brother buy me a drink, I be like, "Okay, thank you.

"Thank you."

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

"Go now! Go!

"Go on! Fuck it. Here, here, here.

"Here! Here! Here! Here, motherfucker, here!"

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, I'm Wanda Smith! See ya at the top.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

Put y'all hands together for the man that made it possible once again,

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Russell Simmons.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Thank y'all for coming out. God bless ya, good night.

[MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

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