All language subtitles for Def Comedy Jam s05e10.eng

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

KID CAPRI:
It's the Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.

Ladies and gentlemen,

put your hands together for
my main man, Ricky Jarvis.

That's that
old school shit.

Nigga, back on up mothafucka.
You don't know how to dance.

[SCOFFS]

What's up?

[AUDIENCE SHOUTS]

Damn, it's all good.

Huh?

This... This looks
like a big ass negro meet.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I'll wait for somebody to come
on out here and go,

"We leaving tomorrow, be on
the other side of the road if you want your freedom.

"You better stop laughing
and be on the other side of the road.

"Going to cut off
your other foot."

[CHUCKLES]

I remember when black people
were slaves, though.

You know, I think black people
back then had a better unity,

you know,
because we used to have to do all that shit together.

Remember that shit?
We used to have to kick it

and talk to each other.
But you can't even speak to niggas now days.

You say, "What's up man?"
"What the fuck is up with you homes?"

You say,
"Have a nice day, bro."

"Man, fuck you,
I got other plans."

[SCOFFS] Mothafucka be
all mad and shit.

But I remember when we used to
have to do that shit.

When the white man was
running shit, you know,

black people was together
and the black woman was the shit back in the days.

'Cause she had to do
so much shit.

You know. [STAMMERS]
It's a lot of you triflin' hoes out there.

I don't have to point
you bitches out

because a man is
only gonna do what a woman will let him do, you know.

You know, 'cause back then a
woman was hella strong 'cause she had so much shit to do

she had to take
care of her house, the master's house,

you know, take care
of the master's kids, take care of her kids,

clean for the master,
clean for her husband, fuck her husband,

fuck the master

and you know, the black man,
we was, you know, out there in them fields, you know,

singing and shit.
We couldn't do shit.

We was out there picking
that chevril.

Whatever the fuck chevril is.
[LAUGHS]

We was out there,
"Swing low sweet..."

Master would whoop our ass
and we couldn't do shit but sing louder,

[SHOUTS] "Swing low."

[CHUCKLES]

And there's some
good looking people in here tonight.

I'm glad that, you know.
Y'all look damn good tonight,

because I hate doing
shows in front of ugly motherfuckers.

'Cause you know...'Cause
you can't tell if they are having a good time or not.

[EXCLAIMS]

"You all right, dog?"
[EXCLAIMS]

"You funnier than
a motherfucker."

It's gonna be some crazy shit.
I'm ill than a motharfucka,

I'm telling y'all.
I'm sick in the head.

I got a lot of friends, they
be asking, "Man,

"you gone change when
you start making it?

"You gonna change?"
I'm like, "Hell, fuck yeah.

"I'm gonna change like
a mothafucka.

"I'm changing my address,
my mothafuckin' wardrobe. All that shit.

"I ain't gonna change
my mind though."

Because a lot of mothafuckas
change, you know. Because I used to be to the curb.

You know, to the curb,
to the curb is like, slang for all you white folks out there.

"To the curb" is like, when
you ain't got no money and I used to walk to all my shows,

I used to be walking and shit.

And I used to have
a raggedy pair of shoes, the only shoes I had.

And they had this fucked up
soles and I'd be walking and they'd be flip flopping.

And I would be walking to all
my shows, man, the shoes be flip flopping and shit.

I'd be walking and one day
when I was walking, man,

one of my friends in a
Porsche drove up and you know, he was rolling

and you know,
he jumped out of the car, "What's up brother Rick?"

I said, "Oh, you know,
you know, just walking, my shoes and shit.

"Flip flopping, you know, I'm
to the curb, you know."

He jumped out the car,
my heart got filled,

'cause I knew what he was
about to do, you know,

my boy, he rolling.

He jumped out the car he
pulled out a big wad of money with a blue rubber band on it,

you know, and I said,
"Oh. shit, my brother." you know, my heart

you know, started pumping
all fast, you know.

He took the rubber band
off the money,

he threw me the rubber band
and said, "Man, put that on your shoe."

[LAUGHS]

You all ready to do this
shit or what?

All right, check this out.

You all ready to do this shit?

All right, check it out.

From the Bronx, New York,

please welcome,
y'all, Freddie Ricks.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

[SHOUTING]

How is everybody?
Everybody cool? Thanks for the love, yo.

Damn, I like this TV shit,
this is cool, man. I do my thing.

I don't know,
I used to watch a lot of TV when I was a kid though,

but I always thought
crazy stuff.

Like to this day,

I swear Edith Bunker was
the biggest freak that ever walked the planet.

She had to be, if anybody...
Edith Bunker had to be a freak.

I can see it now, Archie come
home, Edith is like,

"Oh, Archie, I'm so glad
you're home.

"Listen, after you finish
your beer, I'd like you to do me a big favor.

"I want you to ram it in my
ass real good.

"Just like Michael did to
Gloria last week."

Word up.

I don't know man,
Archie used to drink a lot, y'all.

I feel bad 'cause
I can't do that, I can't drink no liquor man.

I used to be in the clubs,
partying. I used to get drunk, y'all.

Just drunk, man.

I be on the dance floor,
getting down and the alcohol

just kickin' and
have me hallucinating

just start talking to me, man.

Alcohol be like, "Hey, that
fat bitch looks good.

"You can handle her. She only
four-ninety, four-ninety."

Every time I got drunk,
I left the club with some big woman, man.

One sunday morning I woke up
still drunk.

Big girl laying next to me.
This girl was big.

I said, "Girl, you are big!"

She said, "I'm not fat,
I'm just big boned."

I said, "Well, your mother
must have been a dinosaur, 'cause you are big."

It makes no sense, man.
One night, I left the club

with this girl,
I'm drunk as hell.

Keep in mind I'm drunk
through all these experiences, y'all.

Get to her house, she want
to do the wild thing, doggie style.

So I'm getting busy, I'm
getting crazy. I reached over, took one more drink.

Alcohol, kicked it again
and said, "Hey,

"her fat ass looks good."

Slap it, pat, pat,
and the lights came on.

I ain't never seen nothing
like this, all right, so...

Now, alcohol didn't have to
say nothing else to me because I went buck wild up in there.

[EXCLAIMS]

It started looking like a
disco up in that house, right?

And then I reached over and
took one more drink

and that's when, pssht!
The condom broke.

Well, y'all brothers, man,
y'all know that made me real mad.

That's when the alcohol
kicked in again.

"She broke the condom. Hit
her ass harder."

[EXCLAIMS]

I hit her three times.
The TV came on. The stereo came on.

Then I started hallucinating,
seeing stuff running around the house.

I took one more drink.
That was the last drink I ever took, y'all.

Looked off into the corner,
I saw a leprechaun.

I never seen anything like
this in my life.

Alcohol kicks in again.

"Hey, you ain't
never had no green ass before.

"Catch him."

I'm chasing the leprechaun
around the house about twenty five minutes.

I'm knocking over
lamps and TVs.

I finally caught
the leprechaun.

Grabbed him,
leprechaun went crazy.

He was, "Oh, let me go!

"What are you doing?
Put me down. Oh no.

"Turn me back around.
Put me pants back up!

"Why are you slapping me on
the ass? The lights be going off and on. Wait a minute."

"Oh, no. Oh, no.

"Here we go again."

Y'all, I'm Freddie Ricks.
Peace, y'all.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

That nigga had me laughing
like a mothafucka.

[LAUGHS]

[EXCLAIMS]

Oh, shit.

[EXCLAIMS]

He's sick.

All right. We gonna keep
this show rolliing.

Check this out.

Originally from
East Orange, New Jersey,

put your hands together right
now, y'all, right now,

for the comedy styles of
Mr. Joe Recca.

What's up?

Oh, I'm glad that damn woman
confessed to killing them damn kids.

Lord, I'm so glad she did
that shit.

I knew she killed them damn
kids, soon as I saw her ass.

Came on TV crying,

face dry as
the Sahara Desert.

[EXCLAIMS]

"Just get them back to me.

"Let them know
that they loved. Oh, them kids."

Them mothafuckas
seat belt fastened in a Pontiac in the river. Goddamn.

I knew she killed them.
Then she fucked up when she said, what,

"A black man kidnapped
her kids."

A black man kidnapped
some kids?

I know some black men
who don't want the kids they already got.

You mean a brother gonna
snatch kids that ain't his?

I needed to be the detective
on the case.

It would have been solved
day one.

"Now, wait a minute, what
was that last part you said? What, a black man?"

"He just kidnapped and he
just drove. He took my kids and he just left with them."

"Oh, you coming down to the
precinct, bitch. We gonna book you a murder one.

"Come on. Come on."

I know brothers ain't trying
to take kids they got.

Gonna snatch yours.

A black man
in South Carolina,

walking around with
two white kids.

Nobody can locate them.

I'd have broke the case,
day one.

The whole thing had me pissed
off, 'cause I love kids.

I do.

I'm getting ready to adopt
some kids

because a lot of black
children need to be adopted

I'm on a list to
adopt some kids.

That's right.

Getting ready to adopt
some kids.

But see,
when I adopt some kids,

they gonna have to be
over 21.

No, 'cause see, that
way, if it don't work out,

I'm gonna say, "Look, y'all...
Y'all old enough to be on your own now,

"so why don't you go on
down there and see that army recruiter.

"Just... No, just try to
be all you can be because

"y'all got to be gone now.
You see, I tried to be a father, but you don't listen."

I love kids.

One of my old girlfriends
down South

just had a daughter...
Just had a baby girl.

I didn't know how
much it is to have a child, that shit is expensive.

It costs between three and
four thousand dollars to go to the hospital to have a child.

But yet, when you die,
it costs between five and ten thousand to bury you.

Now, why is it cheaper
to come here than it is to leave?

You can't even afford to die
at these prices.

You wanted to kill yourself,
you had to save up for it first.

Get a loan from a bank,
just to murder your ass.

You be on the edge of a
building, talking about, "This is it.

"I'm going to jump.
I've done had it with life. I'm going to jump."

Your family is like, "You
better bring your ass down, that loan didn't go through.

"Your credit rating
too bad.

"When you get your credit
rating up, you think about killing yourself.

"Get down."

Shit, I'm trying
to make me some money.

I ain't got no money. I ain't
got no benefits. No dental plan come along with a joke.

Ain't no group health coverage
with this shit.

You know, I ain't got no
benefits telling a joke.

I can't go to
a doctor from this.

No dental plan. I gotta
go to a dentist right now.

I got that halitosis.

I'll tell you something about
having bad breath.

If your breath stinks,
it don't matter what you have to say.

'Cause don't nobody
want to hear it.

You can tell somebody
something life threatening, they ain't trying to listen.

[EXCLAIMS]

"Boy, you hard to
catch up with.

"I just got back from
your house, place on fire."

"Well, goddamned, I can buy
another house. Your breath smells like shit, man."

And it's always some girl tell
you your breath smell bad.

I was talking to
this girl one time. She just let me have it.

"Your breath stink.

"You got
the stinkinest breath.

"You think people enjoy
talking to you with your breath stinking like that?"

And this is over the phone,
so you know my breath is stinking.

I'm Joe Recca, I gotta go.
Peace, take care, God bless. HBO, Def Jam, thank you.

All right, all right,
check this out.

Coming to the stage right now
is a brother straight out of Cleveland.

Put your hands
together, y'all, right now for Mr. Cortney Gee.

What's up New York?
How y'all doing?

Happy to be here.

Want to say thank you to HBO
and Russell Simmons for letting a brother get on TV.

Make some extra money.

Hell yeah.

Love my job. I love what I do.
Man, I get to sit at home all day long.

And sit on my ass
and see TV.

And watch just
how much the world don't give a fuck about nobody.

'Cause on the news,
you can see it.

Jeffrey Dahmer
got killed last month, how many of y'all gave a damn?

Nobody.

Not even the newscasters
gave a damn.

They were like, "Jeffrey
Dahmer was killed today in jail, and now sports."

The only thing y'all give
a fuck about is that OJ shit.

And sisters getting mad when
you say OJ.

"That's what the mothafucka
get for fucking that white bitch."

"That's what he get."

How many people believe
OJ did it?

How many people don't
believe OJ did it?

How many people don't
give a fuck, just don't want their soap operas

fucked with no more?

'Cause the next time I'm
sitting at home, looking at the Young and the Restless

trying to find out who
Jusilla's baby's daddy is

and they interrupting
to tell me what OJ doing,

I'm going to go down to
CBS and I'm gonna cut a mothafucka's neck, okay?

Crazy ass shit.

Before I go I gotta tell
you about the worse ass wooping I ever took.

I'm gonna tell about it and
I hope my mama's listening,

because she know
I ain't lying.

The worse ass-whooping
I ever took I was in the tenth grade.

I've been this size since
I was in the eight grade.

You know when you be sitting
at school,

talking shit, and the teacher
decides she gonna call your mom.

I'm sitting in school, in
history class and they want to talk about George Washington

and I had done had enough.
My father's a Muslim.

He was like, "Let's talk about
George Washington."

And I was like, "Fuck him.

"Fuck his story,
what about our story?"

She was like, "Mr. Gilmore,
you need to sit down or I'll call your mother."

I was like,
"I don't give a fuck."

You can call my mom's.

'Cause I knew the phone was
disconnected at our house.

"You can call my mom's."

It's something about... If you
don't know the work number, you don't think it exists.

They call my mother at work.

My mother makes about
three hundred dollars every two weeks.

She gonna miss out on some
of that check

to find out what the fuck
I'm doing at school?

When your mama gotta leave her
job, you got a special ass whooping coming

when she get there.

Man, it's no lie.

And it's different,
'cause when white parents come to school,

they don't want to talk to
the teacher, they want to talk to their kid.

The teacher be like,
"Ma'am, let me tell you."

"No, no, excuse me.
Bobby, what happened?

"Bobby, what happened?"

When a black parent come to
see what the fuck you doing at school she got one question.

"Where is that little
motherfucker at?"

Man, my mother came into the
school, she just stops, she's like,

"Pull them down."

"Pull what down?

"I'm not pulling
my pants down. Girl, you trippin'."

"Pull them down Cortney."
I was like, "No." She went into her purse,

so I knew she was going for
her gun. I was like,

"You always embarrassing
somebody."

My name is Cortney Gee.
I'm all up out of here. Peace.

Courtney Gee, y'all.

One thing I'm learning,
off the record, one thing I'm learning today is

that it is some funny
mothafuckin' black brothas in this mothafuckin' world.

We want to introduce
some stars who are in the house too, um,

from the new show on Fox,
House of Buggin',

Lois Gossman. Where you at,
Lois? Give it up for Lois. What's up?

[EXCLAIMS]

I'd like to send a shout
out to all my Latino friends, El Taco Bell.

Oh I'm... I'm bilingual like
a mothafucka.

You know I blow
a little espanol.

Maria y Juan.

All right... All right.

A'ight.
Y'all better get ready.

Coming to the stage, is
a very, very, very, very funny brother.

You saw him as the host
of BET comic view.

He's making his third
appearance here.

He's originally from
St. Louis, Missourri.

Put your hands together,
y'all, for very, very talented brother.

Right now put your hands
together for Cedric the Entertainer.

I try and get that old-man
dance for you here.

Because black people
we serious when we dance, we have a face, boy.

What's up with y'all?

How you doing?

New York?

It's good to know.
It's good to know everybody's okay.

All right, what's up bro,
how you doing?

Just chill, what's up y'all?

Cool.

Rap is out of control.

Because everybody
going to jail.

They all... Tupac going
to jail, Snoop Doggy Dog going to jail.

Murder was the case
they gave him.

I like Snoop Dog.
Snoop, Snoop.

But Snoop selling
a lot records, ain't he?

He's selling a lot
of records. Like, to more than black people.

More than black people buying.

You gotta think, somewhere

it's like an old Jewish dude
listening to Snoop Doggy Dog.

Just kicking it in a Cadillac.

[EXCLAIMS]

Rick James in jail.

Rick James in jail for a whole
'nother kind of crime.

That's a... That's a cold
crime... Rick James in jail.

He just kept a
woman hostage and made her get high.

That's a wildin'
crime right there.

"Hell no, you
ain't going nowhere.

"Hit that. Hit it."

He locked up for
that, Rick. Go for it Rick.

OJ... OJ. That's all
right though.

OJ in that trial, he gettin'
blacker by the moment now.

You can tell OJ.
He know he black now.

By the fifth day of the trial,

OJ gonna be standing in the
corner with some sunflower seeds.

"That wasn't me, nigga."

Come back the next day,
gonna have a hoodie on with some dice,

talking about,
"What they in for?

"Represent Cochran.
Represent."

We just celebrated King Day.
Y'all do that? Y'all do that? King Day?

It was started off
as Martin Luther King Day. Then as a couple years going,

going, now it's just King Day.
You know how they cut it down.

And so, you know, I'm out
in LA now.

You see there's
a lot of nationalities... People mixed up.

People don't know
what King Day it is.

You got people confused.
You know, you got gay tennis players thinking it's

Billy Jean King Day.
They be walking around.

Chinese folk thinking it's
chicken a la king day. They goin' around.

Police beating up
black people, they thinking it's Rodney King Day.

Old disco... They thinking
it's Evelyn Champagne King Day. They...

I like... Martin Luther King
led that March on Washington though.

Y'all been to DC that's live,
you know, there's a high murder rate in DC.

And the reason why,
is like a lot of black folk killing each other because,

you know, they right there.

Twelve blocks long,
twelve blocks wide, a million folks.

They ain't mad at nobody,
they just need some room.

You know, [IMITATES GUNSHOT]

It's cool right here,
it's cool.

You know all them
black people came though,

from the march in the sixties.
That's how all them folks got up there. That march.

Got hyped up. You know,
we love slogans... Get supped up. Get all the way up to DC.

And looked up,
"Damn.

"I ain't got no damn
ride home."

They be in DC to this day.

I like being up in New York.
It's live though, man. See, I just came from

down South. Y'all ever come...
Y'all go down South?

You got that uncle that be
at the family reunion, you can't understand.

That Southern
uncle from Georgia.

Boy look it there...

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

[LAUGHS]

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

They got their own language
down there, man.

I got a knock, knock joke from
down South. Y'all say, "Knock knock."

AUDIENCE: Knock, knock.Who that there?

That's it.

That's all good.

It's all good. You know what
I'm saying. It's all good, see we love...

That's a new good one, too.
We love slogans, us black folk.

We say stuff when it don't
even go there.

You know, be like,
"Oh yeah, my cousin, Keith got locked up, man,

"he's gotta do
18 years, though."

"But it's all good
though, playa. You know what I'm sayin'?"

"No, no, it's not all good.
No, not in that particular instance.

"That's not an all good kind
of situation."

I'm Cedric the
Entertainer, y'all.

Cedric the Entertainer, y'all.

Damn, you know,
I feel like family, man. You know... You know...

I want to just...
You know, it's over but you know,

I feel like we
should all just hold hands

and sing "We are the World,"
you know.

No, no, it's time to
bring out the man who pays all the bills.

Put your hands together for
Mr. Russell Simmons.

That fly,
model macking mothafucka.

Do your thing, man.
Do your thing.

Thanks you all for coming out.
God bless you. Good night.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

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