Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

KID CAPRI: It's the Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.

Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for my main man, Ricky Harris!

Wassup?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

That nigga be getting down, though, don't he?

Give it up for my nigga, Kid Capri, yo.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING][RICKY MIMICS RECORD SCRATCHING]

That nigga's the baddest nigga to ever touch the

motherfucking two turntables.

Too bad he gonna be out of work in about three more years.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

When they get rid of them motherfucking records, he gonna be

pushing them motherfucking CD buttons like a motherfucker.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Niggas going, "That nigga's badder than a motherfucker on them pause buttons!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I'm glad to be out here in New York.

You know, I love coming out here. I just...

I'm... I'm just... 'Cause this time they really taking care of me

'cause this time I'm the host.

Treat a nigga first class and shit.

You ever ride on first class on the plane? That's some shit, ain't it?

They do everything on that motherfucker. "You need anything."

Yes! Yeah, bitch! Damn, bring it here!

"Would you like..." "Yeah, bitch, give it here, yeah!"

'Cause you know coach, they treat you like a slave.

You know, they got that little curtain so you can't look into first class.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

You open that motherfucker, them motherfuckers in the back going,

"Hey-oh!"

[MIMICS CHANTING AND ROWING]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

[LAUGHS]

And black people get on the plane and look,

'cause you sitting in first class, like, you ain't supposed to be in first class.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"You gonna get us in trouble!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]"You know you're supposed to be back here with us!

"They gonna cut your foot off!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

But I be scared than a motherfucker, though.

Be up there and them...

And you get to hitting them pockets and shit.

And the plane be...

You know, hitting them turbulence. [MIMICS TURBULENCE]

And you always sitting next to a white guy who loves death.

White guy like, "Oh!

"Ooh-wee!"[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

You like, "Is this motherfucker gonna crash?"

'Cause in every plane crash, the black box always survives. Am I right?

The black box, right?

Maybe I'm stupid,

but why they don't make the whole damn plane out of the same shit

that black box made out of?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]Huh?

And... And the white people be like, "Um, Mr. Harris,

"would you like a window seat or an aisle?" I...

"Motherfucker, sit me in that black box!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

So when that motherfucker crash, I'm getting out that black box like, "Excuse me."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

They're like, "Where was you at?"

"In that black box.

"Now, where the fuck is my luggage at? I had a green one and a blue one."

'Cause, you know, black people's shit don't never match.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I've seen a motherfucker get on there...

On a plane one time with a plastic bag.

You know, "Put this motherfucker on there!"[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"Hold on, let me put this twisty tie on the end

"so they can't get in my shit."

You know!

All right, I'm gonna bring to the stage our first comedian tonight.

He's a very, very talented cat.

Put your hands together, y'all, for Mr. Rob Stapleton!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Love this show!

Black people, make some noise!

[ALL CHEERING]

Some noise! Represent!

Check it out. Check... Yo, black people, you ever notice...

Check it out. This is some black shit right here!

Check it out. Don't you notice them little black cliques we got?

Just black cliques. I could come out and just say one thing.

Check it out. Check this... Mr. White Man, check this out.

Check this... Check this... This is some black shit,

right here. I'm not even gonna tell him. Check it out.

See, there's just little black cliques

that us black people, we just have.

Like carjacking. When that carjacking shit got real large,

we learned stay inside of that motherfucking car.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]Black people, that's why we don't get carjacked!

See, they hit you, you get out...

[THUDS]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]They get you!

Black people, we ain't gettin' out that car no more.

We could be on I-95 going north or south.

Motherfucker run into the back of the car, we ain't getting out.

We're like, "Boom! [LAUGHS]

"Y'all better get up front, baby love!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Turn the... Turn the music on, like, "Aw, shit!

"Y'all better get up front!"

We ain't gettin' the fuck out!

Gettin' out... White people... White people... I love you.

But white people, they don't even run into you,

y'all get out the car for some old dumb shit.

White person just pull up to the light, be like... [MIMICS BRAKES SCREECHING]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Ooh, look, a quarter!"

[THUDS][AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

In that car!

Just don't get it!

What's up, big man? How you doin'?

Look like my uncle, man. Uncle Dennis

look just like your ass.

Is it just me, or everybody got one crazy uncle in their family?

Got a Uncle Dennis look just like you.

Uncle Dennis watched too many spy pictures,

so he always thinks spies are following him.

So he only talks in code, and nobody understand what the fuck he talking about.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

He'll just say some shit to you and walk away. He be like...

You be like, "What? What?"

"The cow moos twice at dawn while the pigeon flies west with a mosquito."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

"The iguana has landed!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Just yelling shit out.

He waiting for the bus, brother come up,

"Excuse me, have you got the time?"

"Sega!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Just yelling shit out.

Was at this party last night, man.

You ever notice, whenever you at a party

and the floor is real tight, it's hard to dance.

Like, guys, we on the dance floor,

we do that little two-step. We be like, you know...

[SCATTERED LAUGHTER]

You know, that little two-step, you know?

Women, y'all do that little two-step, too, you know.

But y'all be looking for other motherfuckers. Y'all be like...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

But always the homosexuals, whenever they...

Their record come on, they go crazy. They need a lot of room to dance.

[MUSIC PLAYING]Y'all notice that shit?

"Okay! Are you ready? My record is on!"

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]Ricky!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING LOUDLY]

Fuck it!

Good night, y'all! Name's Rob Stapleton. Peace!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[INAUDIBLE]

That nigga is crazy!

Okay, we gonna keep this shit rollin' like a motherfucker.

'Cause I... I wanna get my laugh on, too!

How you doin'?

Like you just fresh from church.

[THROATY VOCALIZING]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[HOARSE VOCALIZING]

♪ Lean on me...

♪ Ah!

"Let's take up a collection." [CHUCKLES]

No no, all right, all right. Check it out.

Put your hands together, y'all, for Macio!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[HIGH-PITCHED] Jesus Christ!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

I had to get my water and shit now because

the Arab stores and shit, they close down at 10:00, you know?

'Cause in the black neighborhoods, in Bed-Stuy, shit,

all the Koreans and the... And the Arabs own all the shit, you know?

And they don't let your ass in the store at 10:00, you know?

They in our... In our neighborhood,

selling shit to us and they're scared of us.

You know, 'cause in Brooklyn, the stores ain't really closed.

What they do is, make you shop through a little hole in the side of the fucking store.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]Y'all ever been there?

You gotta look in there with one fucking eye. "Yeah, yeah, Muhammad.

"The milk! The milk, motherfucker! The milk! Over there!"

You know? You know, and you...

And Muhammad don't let your ass in the store, you know?

[MIMICS ARABIC ACCENT] "We can't let you in the store.

"You got to come early. It's 10:00.

"10:00, Habib, shut the gate down! Shut it down, Habib!

"Shut everything down!

"It is 10:00!"

[NORMAL VOICE] One time I just wanted some water.

3:00 in the morning, wanted some water. I'm with my girlfriend,

said, "Look, Muhammad, you gotta hook me up, man.

"I need some water."

[MIMICS ARABIC ACCENT] "Habib! Bring me the hose!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Stick your mouth in the hole!

"I cannot let you in. It is 10:00, Habib!

"Shut the... Shut it down! Shut the gate down!

"No more water. No, no. Lotto, lotto, 6-6-6-5 come out."

[NORMAL VOICE] I mean, with my girlfriend.

She pissed off 'cause I'm taking too long shopping,

saying, "Hurry up..." "Hold on your backside, girl. I'll be right there."

"Look, look, Muhammad. You gotta hook me up here.

"I'm with my girlfriend. We had a nice romantic evening.

"I need some condoms."

[MIMICS ARABIC ACCENT] "Stick your dick in the hole!

"I cannot let you in here.

"Look, look. Put it in there. Look, I will do it for you this time,

"but next time you must come early, okay?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]"Put it on there. You come early."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

[NORMAL VOICE] You know, and Arabs are just so stupid, man.

I'm so glad they made up with them Jews, though. I'm so glad, man.

'Cause I got tired turning on the news and watching them Arabs and Jews fighting.

You know, and the Jewish people, they...

They... They got guns, you know? M16s, you know?

What them Arab people doing? Throwing rocks!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]You know, taking bullets all in the ass!

You know, just out in the field.

[IMITATES GUNSHOTS]

[MIMICS ARABIC ACCENT] "Oh, you want to fight dirty? Okay, where's that rock?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]"Where's that rock? Hey! Hey!

"Habib, cover me! Cover me!

"Cover me! We'll put the rock through the hole! Put it through the hole!"

[NORMAL VOICE] And when they run out of rocks, they run out of ammunition.

You know, which is stupid. Makes the Jewish people real stupid

'cause they got bombs and grenades, blowing up buildings and houses,

which is making more rocks!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

You know, this shit ain't never gonna end!

People are stupid for no reason at all.

You can't park your car, you can't do shit.

Talk about parking my car, as soon as you park your car,

and, man, the Puerto Rican people live right there.

It's like the old lady in the window just watchin' so they can steal your shit.

Just sittin' in the window all day, Puerto Ricans, they're...

[MIMICS PUERTO RICAN ACCENT] "Mira,Hector!"

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

[NORMAL VOICE] Just trying to steal your car, man.

Puerto Rican... Especially in my building, ain't no heat.

Puerto Ricans don't wanna give...

Well, and the... They don't wanna give me no heat,

but they got heater ass.

You ever go in a Puerto Rican house?

Just hot for no reason at all.

It's always hot. It's like 50 degrees below zero,

their window's wide open, you know?

And it's so hot, the mother is cooking on the radiator, saving gas.

You know what, the walls is all sweating, you know?

The windows is fogged up. They always got Jesus hanging on the cross,

hot as fuck, trying to get off the cross. He all...

[EXHALING][AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[INAUDIBLE][AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

My name is Macio, y'all. Peace!

I ain't gonna say it, but homeboy from Passenger 57is here.

And, uh...

No, no, not Wesley, but...

[LAUGHS]

Homeboy from Brooklyn, he here though.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

All right, we gonna keep the show rollin'.

Put your hands together for Mr. Billy D.!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

I was playing basketball the other day, man,

and this no-arm brother walked up and wanted to play, man. He, uh...

He had no arms, no shoulders, no elbows, nothing like that.

Everybody left the basketball court

except me and the two sorriest brothers out there, man, everybody left.

I told that no-arm brother, I said, "Look here, man.

"I know you ain't got no arms, no shoulders, no elbows, nothing like that, but, uh,

"me and you'll get out there and we gonna win the game."

Me and that no-arm brother got out there and we got our ass tore up, y'all.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Nigga wouldn't pass the ball.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND CHEERING]

Motherfucker wouldn't rebound, man. He just...

Shot was all fucked up, man, just...

Lot of comics get up and talk about sex in their act,

and I don't talk about sex at all in my act

because I think sex is overrated. I really do.

So overrated. Until... When I was younger,

when I was like 16, I'd go to motel rooms and listen to the door.

And by listening to the door, you could, like,

tell how old the people are inside, right?

'Cause they're, like, 65 years old, listenin' to the door,

and the bed would go...

[MIMICS BED SQUEAKING SLOWLY]

If they were 40, or a little bit younger, the bed would be a little bit faster.

It'd go,

[MIMICS BED SQUEAKING]

Thirty-year-olds, the bed would go,

[MIMICS BED SQUEAKING RAPIDLY]

But those 21-year-old boys, you listen at the door,

and the bed would go... [IMITATES BED SQUEAKING ONCE]

"Oh, God damn!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Anyway, I been Billy D. God bless you, and have a good night.

Oh, look here. Give it up one more time.

[CHUCKLES]

Look at that, hookers and tramps.

[CHUCKLES]

Since I couldn't remember all them motherfucking names,

uh, we got some more celebrities in the house.

We got my man from the...

We got a couple of 'em from the Portland Trail Blazers. Where you at? Where you at?

Y'all playing the Knicks? When?

[AUDIENCE BOOING]

Tomorrow? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, I'mma tell Patrick he gonna get that ass!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You know Anthony Mason was in here.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[MIMICS MONKEY SCREECHING]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

[MIMICS MONKEY SCREECHING]

That's an ugly motherfucker.

Is he in here?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]Oh, shit!

Hey, hey, hey! Shut the fuck up!

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

I didn't know the nigga was here!

Shh! Shh!

Hey, y'all shut the fuck up! That's nigga gonna kick my ass!

You've seen him fuck Reggie Miller up. Shut up!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Hey, bro, I didn't really mean that, okay?

[LAUGHING NERVOUSLY]

He gotta know he ain't, like, handsome.

[CHUCKLES] No, I'm just...

I'm just fucking with you, dawg.

Don't fuck with me, all right?

All right? [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

Want some money? [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

Huh? A couple dollars or somethin'?

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

Laugh, come on, man, laugh. [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Y'all having fun so far?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Way up at the top, y'all having fun so far, or what?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

All right, check this out. From Brooklyn, New York,

back for his third time.

Put your hands together for Reggie McFadden!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

That is a loud nigga, there.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, man, y'all look good, man. I'm kind of tired, and shit.

I woke up at like 5:30 this morning.

Fucking Jehovah Witness knocking on my door.

I gotta move, man. I gotta move!

You know what the problem is? I live right next to the temple.

I'm, like, their first stop.

They knock at my door all the fucking time.

I let 'em in, too!

I let 'em in. I say, "Come on inside."

I say, "Come on."

I sat 'em in the living room. I gave 'em some coffee.

I said, "What is it that you have to tell me?"

You know, and he looked at me, he said, "I don't know. I never made it this far."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Nigga started cryin' and shit.

No other religion does that, man.

No other religion comes to your fuckin' house.

Right? They're the only ones. Imagine that shit?

Like, "Who is it?"

"The Catholic." "Shit!

"It's the fucking Catholic. They got the pope with 'em!"

"Open the door!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Open the door!

"Open it!

"Open the door!"

[LAUGHS]

My pop's a cop, he... He wanted me to be one of those cops.

He wanted me to be, like, a New York City undercover motherfucker.

I can't do that, man. I got too much rage inside of me to be a cop.

You know, I'd probably abuse the power.

You give me a gun and a stick?

You give me a gun and a stick

and a badge that says I can do anything I want to do?

I'd be itching to use that stick.

I'd be walking down the street, just walking up to anybody, just...

[THUDS][AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

"Break it up!

"Break this shit up!"

I feel like there'd be a lot of people outside who'd be out there...

[THUDDING][AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Get up, lady!

"Get that shit moving!

"Break it up!"

[LAUGHING]

Or... Or let me be racist,

because I'll be stalking white people at Bloomingdale's

just waiting for them to come out.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

[THUDS]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND LAUGHING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Oh, I gotta be mad. "What the fuck is wrong with that guy?

"Did somebody see that shit?"

[LAUGHS]

White people, the only people I know,

get beat up by a cop and come back with a badge number.

Like, "What the fuck is your badge number?

"I'm going to report you!"

3-5-7...[THUDS]

Ooh! Ooh!

Ooh! Ooh, wait till they get this letter!"

Then, niggas don't even look back when we get our ass kicked.

We just book that shit!

"If memory serves me correctly, you were 7-5-6!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

White people be killin' me, man!

You... You know who my favorite white guy is?

Jeffrey Dahmer. I know he dead, but I love that motherfucker.

I mean, he was out there just eating everybody, man.

Even the dark niggas, too.

[MIMICS EATING LOUDLY]

"Mmm! This nigga got a lot of melanin!"

[CONTINUES EATING LOUDLY]

I would've loved to been there when they killed him, though.

That must have been a good fight, 'cause you know Jeffrey didn't go silently.

He was like... [GROANS]

[GROWLING]

[GROWLING]

Just chewing niggas.

"Watch out for his teeth, man!"

But Jeffrey was smart, though. Jeffrey picked like,

the right people in the world to catch, black people, man.

Black people are the easiest people to catch.

'Cause all you gotta do is get us mad.

We come right to you.

You know, right? I bet you Jeff never even left his basement.

He just sat in the basement waiting for brothers to walk by.

He's like, "Hey, nigga!"

"Who you calling a nigga? I'm a come down there and kick your motherfucking ass!

"You fucked with the wrong motherfucker now!

"Ooh, it's dark in here."

[THUDS][AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

You know, Jeffrey just dragged that nigga away.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Listen, that's my time. I'm out of here.

My name's Reggie McFadden. Peace out, y'all!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

All right, check this out. Now it's time for, you know,

us to bring up fly model-macking motherfucker.

Put your hands together, y'all, for Mr. Russell Simmons, y'all!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Do your thing.

Go ahead, Russell. Do your thing!

Thank y'all for coming out. God bless, good night!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0