Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

KID CAPRI: It's the Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.

Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for my girl, Adele Givens!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[LAUGHS] What's up, y'all?

AUDIENCE: Wassup!

Wassup, niggas?

AUDIENCE: Wassup.

How y'all doing? What happened to my man? Why he get up?

I saw his big ass leaving. Where he at?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I'll go fuck with him, too, 'cause he's tight.

He looked like he didn't want to take his coat off.

I believe that motherfucker was split up the back like a corpse's clothes.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

How you doing, Rhinestone?

You don't know if you want to be an athlete or a cowboy,

got on gym shoes and a cowboy hat.

How y'all doin'?

I'm just happy to be here. Y'all happy to have me?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!'Cause I love you.

Hi, y'all!

How y'all doin'?

Saw you motherfuckers in that line outside, all cold and shit.

"I wish these motherfuckers hurry up.

"Why they so goddamned slow?"

It's free, nigga. That's why.

Oh, man, I gotta give it up to Kid Capri over there in his red, looking good.

Hey, Kid!

Kid Capri, the baddest DJ in the land.

Give it up for Kid![AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Kid, hey!

Y'all know, Kid ain't just good on that hip hop shit, now.

Kid could do some slow songs.

Kid could break down and bring a tape out,

have your ass wanna bump and grind on a motherfucker.

Kid got some slow... Don't you, Kid?

He's got that old shit 'cause that new shit ain't about nothin', now.

Hell, I'd rather have that old shit, wouldn't y'all?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!They don't know how to sing new love songs, do they?

Fellas, let me tell y'all something. You in a romantic mood with your woman

and you wanna say something romantic,

don't rely on a song. Say your own shit.

But make sure it's some intelligent and romantic shit.

Don't say anything!

You know, break down, give her that look that you love to look, you know.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

The sexy look. You know what I'm talking about!

Break down and say some smart shit to her, you know.

Something she gonna remember, like,

"Girl, can I claim you as a dependent on my income taxes?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

That's the kind of nigga you want, ain't it?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Hey, if you wanna hurt that man, do not,

I repeat, don't kick him in the nuts.

Bust a nigga's windshield in, fellas.

I know y'all don't like that, but that's love.

If she busts your windshield, she loves your black ass!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Just think about it. You got a bitch so mad

that she creepin' through the night...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS][CHUCKLES]

Dressed in black like a fucking ninja...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

...with a brick, looking for your car!

She love you, nigga!

And a girlfriend will help her ass. Won't she, ladies?

'Cause that's who you call up when you get your feelings hurt, ain't it?

You be like, [FAKE SOBBING] "Girl, I think he with that bitch again.

"No, fuck that. This time I'm gonna kill him.

"I'm a get a... Bitch, I'm a get a... I'm a get a..."

Your girl be on the line all, "Look, girl. Calm down.

"No, no, don't go out there starting no shit.

"See, you ain't in no condition to drive.

"Just sit there. I'll come and get you."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

And she will, too. Won't she?

Y'all riding around like Cagney and Lacey, looking for this motherfucker.

All right, y'all ready for a show tonight?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!Give me energy!

Y'all ready for the show tonight?

AUDIENCE: [LOUDER] Yeah!

Okay, the first person coming to the stage is from New York City.

Please welcome Mike Epps!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

All right.

What's up, God damn it?

Whoa! Look at these pretty motherfuckers, man. God damn!

What's up, country pimp with the motherfucking cowboy hat on?

Look at this country fucker here!

Probably got a motherfucking dump truck outside with a spoiler kit on it,

with switches. [MIMICS DUMP TRUCK THUDDING]

With the big gold grill with the angel hanging off the front of it.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]With the loud air horn.

[MIMICS AIR HORN PLAYING TUNE]

Old country motherfucker!

I'm gonna start on these motherfucking women, man,

'cause women are beautiful, all right?

You know, we couldn't do nothing without these motherfuckers.

But women got some funny...

[WEAK APPLAUSE]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Wait till I drop this one on you!

Women got some funny ass ways, man.

Women try to walk up to you in a club

and try to squeeze compliments out of you.

You ever seen a woman do that to you, fellas? Walk up to you and say shit like,

"I... I'm getting fat, yeah."

In return, they want you to say, "No, you're not, darling.

"You got a low self-esteem. You're all right."

Do that to me, I'll bust your bubble. "I'm getting fat."

"You are. You really are. You eat all the time.

"Every time I see you, you're eating."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Well, Michael, I'm big boned."

"No, you're big bitched.

"I just seen you with a bag of potato chips

"and a hamburger on the side of the goddamn building!"

Women are something else, man.

Then they got these starstruck women out here.

You know, I don't like the word "bitch"

'cause I got a momma and a sister,

and I don't want nobody to call them a bitch.

But, you know, the starstruck women ain't fair.

Neighborhood nigga like me call you bitch, you get mad,

which is understandable.

"Bitch, I ain't no bitch. Fuck you!"

Snoop Dogg call you a bitch, "What's up, bitch?"

[MIMICS BUBBLY GIGGLING] "Hey, Snoop!"

Be fair!

That's all I'm saying, shit.

Fellas got little funky ways, too.

Imma tell on you fuckers in here tonight.

Watch your boyfriends, 'cause they come in the house

and start trouble with you so they can hang out with their friend.

Imma tell on you 'cause I used to do it.

I used to make up any damn excuse to goddamn do it.

I used to come in the house, "Look, God damn it.

"I had three bags of potato chips. There's two left.

"Who ate my other goddamn bag of potato chips?

"I'm going out. I'm sick of this shit!"

"That's the third goddamn bag

"this fucking week you done ate!

"I'm sick of this goddamn shit,

"motherfucker!" [CHUCKLES][AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And then they got the welfare gangsta women.

Lay all their food stamps and their money out on the table

and take pictures with Uzis.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[LAUGHS]

Go over their house, they trifling.

I can't understand who in the fuck wanna have fun

one time out the motherfucking month.

Motherfuckers are happy one time out the month!

Catch 'em on the 27th, 28th, they in the house,

cigarette hanging out of their mouth, running the sweeper.

[MIMICS SWEEPER WHIRRING]

"Stop all the goddamn noise!" [GROANS]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Trifling. Go over to their house.

Coat hanger holding the gate together,

Snickers wrappers and Doritos bags

and shit all in the grass and the bushes,

flies flying everywhere, screen door all busted open,

sign on the door talking about, "Knock hard. The doorbell's broke."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Then you get in the house, sit down on the couch,

springs scratch you all in the back of your spine,

your ass gumped down in the seat.

Change fall out your pocket, that's a setup.

Little nasty-ass baby running around the house,

popsicle juice running all down his mouth and hands,

nappy-ass little braids, baby shoes on with no socks,

navel sticking out like a Vienna sausage

where the doctor fucked up his umbilical cord.

[AUDIENCE GROANS]

Older son over in the corner ironing some dirty pair...

You ever seen a motherfucker take some dirty Levi's out the clothes hamper and iron 'em?

Iron smoke be funky as hell, pants be shiny.

Shit looks like boot-leather pants, look at...

Ironed chicken stains, jelly stain.

New York, y'all been sweet. Peace, my name Mike Epps.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Mike Epps, Mike Epps!

I wanna, um, give props to Warrington Hudlin,

producer of House Party, Boomerang,

and Cosmic Slopon HBO.

How you doin'?

Love to see a black man doing it. You go, boy!

Man, can I get somebody to come and work with this mic stand, please?

A white man, I prefer.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Please?

Can I get somebody to work with the microphone? Wally?

You know, you can do two jobs.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I could have did that myself. You know that, don't you, Bob?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]Your name Toby from now on, God damn!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

All right.

I love fucking with them! Okay,

this next person coming to the stage is from Elizabeth, New Jersey,

and he's making his second appearance on Def Comedy Jam.

Put your hands together for Alonzo Hamburger Jones.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[AUDIENCE SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Oh, yeah!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Hamburger!

You joking with me? What, are you dressed up for Halloween?

You look like a hamburger going to deliver mail or something!

What's up with you?

You're overweight. That's your problem.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]Can you take a joke?

I know you'd take an order of fries right about now, couldn't you?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Hamburger. Look at his feet. Feet so big his Nikes spell "Nickelodeon," look at 'em!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND CHEERING]

Hamburger! You give me a bad name. Take that hat off!

Are you hungry?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Let me make your big behind feel at home.

[MIMICS FAT ALBERT] "Hey, hey, hey!"

Hamburger! And look at...

Who you ladies supposed to be, En Vogue?

[AUDIENCE GASPS]

Hamburger! Who are you supposed to be?

A Jamaican parking attendant?

"Mo' ya ca'! Mo' ya ca'! Mo' ya ca'!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Hamburger! That ain't gonna happen.

When I was coming up, I always wanted to be a radio disc jockey.

One of them smooth-talking guys you hear at 7:00 in the morning on the radio?

[DEEP VOICE] "Good morning, and welcome to station WAKJ, 1684 on your AM dial,

"the great songs are played day in and day out.

"I'm Mr. Jones Rocky, from 7:00 to 10:00 Eastern

"every morning. And now for the weather report.

"Partly cloudy skies, high today about 58 and tonight's low about 46.

"And for tomorrow, we'll just have to wait and see."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"Hey, let me give you the top pick hits for this week.

"Coming at number three is that smash hit, I Don't Want to See You Anymore

"by Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder."

[AUDIENCE GROANING]

Hamburger!

"Number two, Go Away Little Boy by Michael Jackson."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND GROANS]

"And holding strong at number one for five weeks straight

"is that smash hit, Ring My Bellby the Jehovah Witnesses."

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Hamburger!

Arrested development... They need to be arrested.

Arrested for kidnapping that old man and putting his behind in the group.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

You can tell he don't wanna be in the group.

Every time you see him he try to get away. It's like...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

MC Lyte talking about she want a ruffneck.

Give her a ruffneck today.

Next week, her behind want a restraining order!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Hamburger!

See, I like rap music from the old school when it was real.

It was something you could listen to.

Look, y'all remember the Sugarhill Gang?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!Kid, give me some old school!

♪ Shine

♪ You know that there's nothing I wouldn't do for you

♪ Shine

♪ You know that I'll always be there for you

♪ Shine

♪ You know that there's nothing I wouldn't do for you

♪ Shine

♪ You know that I'll always be there for you

♪ Yeah, tell you I tend to keep the thug from you

♪ And in the clubs it should be all about hugs

♪ Give a hug...

Alonzo Hamburger Jones!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Oh, shit, Bob!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS][LAUGHS] I'm just messin'.

I gotta give some shouts-out, y'all.

Up there in the booth, we got, um, Hurricane, the DJ from the Beastie Boys.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

We have Bill Bellamy from MTV. Bill Bellamy.

Hi, Bill!

Hi! This next person coming to the stage is from Galveston, Texas.

Please welcome Bruh-Man, Reg Ballard.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING LOUDLY]

Thank you very much. Thank you.

[AUDIENCE CHANTING INDISTINCTLY]

Thank you, y'all.

New York!

In the house!

How y'all doin'?

New York, man, the home of the $24.95 weave.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Bruh-Man, yo.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Wassup?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Brothers in L.A. be trippin'.

Old brother gonna get mad at me 'cause

I was in his bathroom,

and I told him he didn't have no more toilet paper.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

And that's why I was still sitting there till he came back from the store.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

And the honeys...

The honeys too sensitive.

Old honey gonna get mad at me 'cause

I, like, farted in her bed.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

And held her head under the cover.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS]

Told her I was just playin'.

Then you got these old freaky honeys

that ask these old freaky demands.

Old honey invited me to her apartment,

wanted me to tie her hands up to the bed.

So I, like, tied 'em up.

Then she wanted me to tie her feet up,

but I thought about Mike Tyson...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

And I ain't want no case.

So I just tied one of 'em up.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Then she opened up her legs

and licked her lips

and said it was time for Bruh-Man to crunch and munch.

So I, like, went in her kitchen...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

...opened up her refrigerator,

and made myself a couple sammiches.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS]

'Cause Bruh-Man ain't eating nothing

he can't take home in a doggie bag.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS]

And these old silly honeys.

[SNIFFS]

Had this honey in a hotel. We was huggin', kissin',

just chillin'.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

And all of sudden she asks this old silly question, like,

"Did you just fart?"

I'm like, "Why you gotta ask something like that?

"It's just me and you in here."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"And you know it wasn't you."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]Peace. Thank you very much, New York!

Appreciate it. Thank you!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

GIVENS: Keep it going for Bruh-Man.

All right, we got to keep this shit rolling 'cause it's goin' hot.

Please welcome Earthquake!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Come on, black people. Show some love now.

Show some love. White people, too. Just put it there.

Show some love up in here.

Young brothers up in the front.

Look at you, young, 18, 19.

See, white people, I'm just like you?

I'm 31 years old. When I see about eight, nine of them motherfuckers

start walking down the street, I'm like, "Oh, shit, here they come!"

"Don't look at 'em, baby! They'll kill you! Don't look at 'em!

"Don't look at 'em! They coming this way!"

♪ Oh, kumbaya, my Lord,

♪ Kumbaya, oh, Lord...

'Cause they dangerous!

They'll kill you for any reason.

Fuck around, ask 'em the wrong question, they'll shoot you!

"As-Salaam Alaikum." Pow!

"Oh, shit! That nigga was Baptist."

You don't know what to say to their ass.

They don't wanna work for shit. Sixteen, 17,

they want everything free.

I... I lost my pager. So I paged myself.

God damn it if the nigga didn't call me back!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]Talking about, "Somebody paged me from this number."

I'm like, "Hell yeah, nigga, the owner.

"The fuck wrong with you?"

I'm in Chicago, 40 below.

Car-jacker talking about, "Get out the car."

I say, "Brother, it's snowing."

"Get out the car."

I'm like, "Nigga, I'll move over,

"I ain't getting out the car today, you gotta call me a cab.

"Drop me off at Mama's damn house.

"She live down the street, motherfucker!"

He talking about, "I'm gonna have to shoot you!" I'm like,

"Fuck it. That's a bullet I'm taking today.

"Go on, nigga. Shoot!

"Least I'll be warm, motherfucker! Close the door!

"Fuck wrong with him?"

But white people, if you're gonna blame some shit on these young brothers,

do your homework.

Blame some shit on them that they would do.

Just like that white lady talking about how she got car-jacked,

and a brother took her kids.

I was like, "A brother taking kids?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND CHEERING]

Oh, bitch, you lie!

I don't give a fuck if you're on Good Morning America, Today.

Bitch, you lying. Brothers don't take kids.

We run from kids, we don't take no kids!

Not without a court order!

"Where the judge say I gotta take these kids at?

"Where the judge say I gotta take these kids?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Y'all charge us for too much shit.

Y'all do. I just bought a house.

Got my water bill today. Water's supposed to be free.

How they gonna charge us for water?

They don't own the rain and the oceans.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Tell you, black people, they gonna start charging us for air in the future.

Be on the corner, kicking it with my boy D.L. "How you doing, D.L.?"

"What's wrong, Earthquake?" [INHALES SHARPLY]

"Oh... Ooh!

"Oh, shit, nigga, they done turned my air off!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"I can't breathe no longer, shit!

"I can't breathe! Oh, shit, these niggas turned my air off, nigga!

[SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

"Turn the air on, nigga. I can't take it no more!"

'Cause see, we're black.

See, I don't like the holidays and shit.

Y'all get on Oprah and tell her...

And Oprah tripping.

Talking about how she smoked crack.

Man, she...

Oprah done everything if she smoked crack. She ain't smoke no...

I knew she was lying when she said the pipe-head made her do it.

What crackhead you know share?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

This is lyin', man!

Every time somebody get on this show she into, "I'm a prostitute."

Oprah, "Me too!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Fat bitch!

Talking all that shit.

That's why I don't even like that old bullshit.

Y'all get on Oprahand tell all y'all family secrets.

Black people, we keep that shit to ourselves

till that drunk-ass uncle come over our house,

tell all the family secrets. Just tell...

I remember one time I said, "Uncle, tell my father to loan me $5."

He gonna get up, talking about, "That' ain't your daddy!"

I'm like, "Nigga, what?" "Tell 'em the truth!

"Tell 'em the truth!

"I can't live with this lie no longer!

"I'm your daddy, boy!

"Now, ask your uncle for $5!"

I wanted to be a Muslim.

They want me to be a Muslim, they gotta change some of them goddamn rules,

like eating once a day.

See, I smoke herb. I get the munchies four, five, six times a day.

And I ain't giving up my pork chop for no motherfucker, hear me?

And ain't nothing wrong with herb.

Something wrong with drugs. Ain't nothing wrong with herb.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]You ain't never seen a motherfucker

commit suicide after smoking a joint.

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

You know why? Know why? The motherfucker forgot. That's why!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

He woke up the next morning,

"God damn it, I was supposed to killed myself last night.

"I don't even 'posed to be here today."

And even if I was a Muslim,

I'd just have to be a Muslim in, like, the wintertime.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

'Cause, no, the summertime, they need to change the dress codes and shit.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]They be standing on the corner

with suits and bow ties and shit.

Don't they got a Muslim shorts set or something, you know?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING LOUDLY]

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS]

Louis Farrakhan flip-flops, you know what I mean?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I'm a be out there for eight, nine hours.

A nigga need to be comfortable!

As-Salaam Alaikum,yes. But nigga, I'm hot!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]I am hot!

I'm Earthquake! Peace!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

GIVENS: Earthquake, keep it going!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Now it's time to bring Russell Simmons up

to say goodnight to y'all.

And say something different, Russell.

I want to shout out to my mama. Hi, Mama, I love you! Muah!

Russell. If y'all want Russell to say something different,

please make some noise so he'll say something different.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

You heard that, right?I heard.

Thank y'all for coming out. God bless you. Good night!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0