Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

KID CAPRI: It's the Russell Simmons'Def Comedy Jam.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Ladies and gentlemen,

put your hands together for my girl, Adele Givens.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

What's up, y'all?

What's up, y'all?

Tell me where y'all from. I need to know where you're from.

[AUDIENCE YELLING INDISTINCTLY]

That's what I'm talking about! I heard Philly.

Brooklyn, I heard Brooklyn.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, okay. How y'all doin'? And welcome to the Def Comedy Jam.

How you doin'?

'Cause I'm just... Damn, nigga.

You talkin' about Brooklyn. No, Star Warsmotherfucker.

I ain't even 'cause that ain't my style.

But, you know. Welcome to the house.

God damn it, bring your two tone hair if you want to.

Bring a big bright afro if you want to.

God damn it, you can do that on the Def Comedy Jam.

What's up, y'all?

Look at that, girl got Nubian nuggets.

And a two piece on her head.

That's all right, white girl. You're in the house.

Tryin' to be black. That's cool, though.

We got a couple motherfuckers tryin' to be white.

I'm jokin', that's my little baby cousin.

Ain't that right, baby cuz?

What I'm trying to say. Don't we look just alike?

[CHUCKLES]

Well, I gotta give it up to the baddest DJ in the world.

And y'all own, Mr. Kid Capri.

Please, give him all your love.

That man got some bad fingers.

And I got a little thing I do

because, you know, everybody got their own little signature piece

and, you know, I have to have mine too.

You know, I want y'all to remember me

not just as such a fuckin' lady,

but as the bitch that has joke time.

This is part of the show where I tell a joke.

A regular joke.

Not just an observation because people always say,

"You're a comedian, but you never tell jokes.

"You just talk. The shit be funny, but it don't be a joke."

So what I'm gonna do now, is I'm gonna give you all a joke.

And if you heard it before, don't say shit.

This one is called the dam ham.

If you heard it, don't say shit.

Little boy named Petey. He's got a father. He's a preacher.

They always be preachers, don't they?

Got a father that's a preacher.

Mother love her husband so much she think about him one day he at work, she say,

"I'm gonna make his special dinner."

"He loves ham."

So she goes to the store and she say,

"Mr. Peterson, got any ham?"

He say, "You know what? All we got is a can of dam ham."

She go, "You know I'm a Christian woman.

"Why would you say something like that to me?

"You should watch your mouth." He go, "No, no, no.

"That's the name of the brand.

"It's the dam ham." he showed her the can,

there's a little beaver and there's a dam.

And she goes, "Oh, oh, okay. My fault."

So she go home

and her husband come home. And she says, "How you doin', honey?"

Remember, he a preacher.

He say, "All right, sit down."

"Get ready for dinner."

So he sits at the table.

He said, "We can't eat yet, we gotta wait on our son."

So Petey come home from school...

[SNICKERING]

And the father say,

"Hey, son.

"How're you doin'? How was your day?"

Petey say, "It was all right, Dad. I'm cool."

[LAUGHS] I'm laughing. Don't worry, I'll tell you later.

So, the father said to the mother,

"Man, what we havin' for dinner tonight?"

So she say, "Baby, I fixed your favorite dinner.

"We gonna have some dam ham."

He said, "Woman, you know I'm a minister.

"You can't use that language in this house. What's wrong with you?"

She say, "No, no, baby. That's the name of the brand. Look at the can."

So she showed him the can.

And he said, "Oh, oh, okay. It's a beaver.

"It's a dam, it's the dam ham."

So they sit down. Petey goes to wash his hands.

He sit down, they say grace.

Father look at Petey and say,

"Petey, pass me the dam ham."

Petey look at Dad and go, "Damn, Dad.

"I didn't know you was into that shit."

"Pass me the motherfuckin' mashed potatoes."

Y'all ready for a show? Give me energy.

Give me energy.[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Please welcome Redd Grand. Give it up.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

There's a lot of wild things goin' on, man.

I'm lookin' at TV in my hotel.

Commercials startin' to make me mad, son.

Especially that Ford commercial.

Ford gonna ask Redd, have I driven a Ford lately.

Hell no.

'Cause Ford won't give me no damn loan this year.

I go in there to buy a Ford, the man goin' to come out there and tell me

I gots bad credit.

I'm here to tell y'all black people,

I knew that shit before I went in there.

Tell me something I don't know.

And you ever notice when you got bad credit,

you got people callin' your house.

Man's gonna call my house

on my phone that I paid a God damn bill for.

Sometimes, but I pay that bill, you know.

Someone said, "Mr. Grand, you know if you don't pay your bill,

"you won't be able to get a house in the future."

I'm here to tell all y'all people,

I don't need no damn house.

I live with my mother.

Send her ass the bill.

I ain't never leavin' the basement.

There's a lot of wild stuff goin' on, man.

There's a lot of wild stuff goin' on, man.

I love women to death.

I love all y'all.

But I just got hurt by love, and it hurt.

And I don't care if you're a man,

or if you're a God damn woman,

if you get hurt by love,

love will make you do some stupid shit, won't it?

Oh, man. When you get hurt by love,

love will make you do shit like hide in the bushes

at 3:00 in the mornin'

with a helmet on with leaves comin' out that motherfucker.

That's love, man.

Love will make you do shit like,

go open up a joint bank account,

when the other person don't even have a damn job.

I see y'all in here with your women. I see y'all.

Man, you got your girl with you? That's good.

She ain't with you?

I was wondering 'cause she lookin' at me like she want to turn me out or somethin'.

Peace out. I'm Redd Grand.

I gotta get the fuck outta here.

[MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Boy, that's a bad motherfucker.

All right, I wanna look for Mr. Phillip Bailey

'cause I know you're in the... Hi.

How you doin'? Phillip Bailey, y'all.

How you doin'? I still love you.

I don't know many groups that was as tight

as Earth, Wind and Fire myself.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

I know you was the screw that kept that shit all together.

You a bad man and I love you.

Alright y'all.

This next person

comin' to the stage is from Washington DC.

Put y'all hands together for Willie and Woody.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Yo, yo, what's up?What's up?

Your hand in my ass, motherfucker, that's what's up.

I ain't gay.

I cut down the Oakwood tree,

not pussy willow.

You know where you are?

I don't give no fucks. We getting' paid?

Take a look around.

Alright, I look around. These motherfuckers are here.

What you doin'?Lookin' around, motherfucker.

Man, turn around and talk to the mic.

How the fuck I'm supposed to know who Mike is?

Oh shit.What?

We at the Def Jam.

The motherfuckin' Def Jam.

I told you.

We in the house.Chillin'.

In New York city.I love New York.

Yeah.New York got two of everything.

Uh-huh.Two airports,

two football teams...

And too many motherfuckers on the street beggin' for money.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Shit.

Tell me where you been. I haven't seen you, man. I've been calling you up.

Man, I was on vacation.

Can't a brother take a motherfuckin' vacation?

I was swimmin' off the coast of Florida.

Oh, you have a good time?Hell no, I almost drowned my ass.

What happened?Three Cubans hopped on my back.

Thought I was a God damn raft.

I can't wait to go home and see my favorite TV show.

What? The Simpsons.

Oh yeah, Bart Simpson.

No, nigga, OJ.

Shit.

He on every fuckin' station.

With the same disgusting look.

I heard he got two phone calls on the way home.

In the Bronco?

Yeah, one from Michael Jackson

and the other from Rodney King.

What did Michael Jackson say?"Hi-hi."

What about Rodney King?"Don't get out the fuckin' car."

[AUDIENCE CHEERING][LAUGHS]

[WHOOPS]

Then I watched that other crazy ass show, you know, come on late at night.

You know, the psychic...

Psychic Friends Network.Yeah, with that bitch Dionne Warwick.

That bitch crazy. That bitch ain't had a hit since the Ali-Frazier fight.

Gonna tell somebody their future.

Maybe she's psychic.

If she's so psychic,

how come she didn't tell Whitney Houston

that Bobby Brown had all them God damn kids?

Shit man, it's crazy out there.

You hear about the surgeon general?What?

They fired the first black Surgeon General Jocelyn Elders.

Why?'Cause they said she wanna put masturbation in the schools.

Oh, shit they need to do somethin' to keep the kids in that motherfucker.

At least they give you a handbook.

[EXCLAIMS]

That's one class that nobody would miss.

What's that?Masturbation 101.

[LAUGHS] Everybody comin'.

[MOANS]

[MOANS]

Education's the key.Yeah.

That's right. That's why you gotta know your history.Yeah.

You know your black history?God damn right.

I used to be a tree, motherfucker.

I traced my roots.

What about you?

I come from a family of strong, brave black men and women.

What?That's right.

My father...Yeah.

Fought in the Vietnam War.What?

That's right. Grandfather...Uh-huh.

Fought in World War II.You're kiddin'.

Great Grandfather...Yeah?

Fought in World War One.

Shit man, can't y'all motherfuckers get along with anybody?

Always fightin'. Man, I'm horny as shit.

I'm so horny, I could fuck a log.

I'm gonna get me some sawdust pussy tonight.

Check her out, man.

God damn, got her legs crossed and everything.

Shit's so good, she got to keep it down.

I'd like to see her in 3D.Where?

My hotel room, motherfucker.

Shit.

She too tall for you, man.

What?She too tall for you.

If she stand up, she's about 5'2".

You're 3'4".Shit that ain't nothin'.

What?I'm right there where that motherfucker's at.

My name is Willie Brown.

[MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Keep it goin' for him.

This next person coming to the stage is a woman, like me.

She's from Chicago, like me.

You gonna enjoy her. She lives in Los Angeles.

Now, give it up for Dana Point.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

What's up, black?

How y'all doin'?

All the sisters in the house, let me hear you say,

"What's really goin' on?"

AUDIENCE: What's really goin' on?

That's what I'm talkin' about. All the brothers in here?

Y'all in the house?

Yeah, that's right. We need to talk.

Want to talk to the ladies. The Nubians.

Sisters, we gotta start workin' out.

Gotta start goin' to the gym.

The domestic violence is gettin' outta hand.

You gotta get yoked,

so you don't get smoked.

Y'all understand what I'm talkin' about?

See this domestic violence is getting' outta hand

just like, you know, the situation that happened with OJ.

See, my condolences go out to Nicole.

But had OJ been with a sister,

it wouldn't have jumped out like that.

See, sisters don't get down like that there.

See, 'cause a sister...

If he would of pulled out a switch blade on a sister,

sister would've been like... [GASPS]

"Oh, you gonna try to cut a bitch, huh?

"Oh, you gonna switchblade this motherfucker.

"Let me call my cousin, Junebug, over here.

"Oh, the truce is off, nigga."

Oh, sister would've been all ready to squabble with him,

"Oh, nigga Mr. NFL, yeah."

"Mr. Heisman.

"And now bring that shit on.

"Now you wanna fight."

Sister would've been ready to squabble.

Sister don't play that 'cause OJ would've came up on that sister

in that Bronco in an alley.

Talkin' about, "Shaquita.

"Come outside. I wanna talk."

Sister wouldn't have came out.

"No, nigga, I'm not comin' out for you to jump out them bushes on my ass.

"No, nigga."

"Don't make me call the police round this motherfucker."

Sisters, y'all got it goin' on, too.

You know, brothers always dissin' the weave.

See, now I'm a recovering weave wearer.

The glue fucked me up.

Bitch didn't have no edges.

Wear your weave.

If a man tell you to take your weave out...

'Cause my boyfriend always used to tell me.

"Take that weave out your head.

"I wanna run my fingers through your hair."

I say, "There's some hair down here."

Some hair down here.

'Cause I ain't takin' out the weave.

You better ask somebody.

So I know why some sisters wear weaves.

They don't wanna fuck with that pressing comb.

So, you do what you got to do.

You go down there to that wig shop and you kick that door in.

Poof.

"Kim Su...

"Hook me up some of that kinky straight Diana Ross hair.

"Today was a good day."

'Cause, you know, they got what you need.

You know they got what you need.

You come in there, "Oh, how you do today?"

[IMITATING ASIAN ACCENT] "We have hair. Janet Jackson hair.

"Michael Jackson hair. We have hair."

"You got any coochie hair?"

"Coochie hair, we have coochie hair.

"Twelve inch?"

They smart. They real, real clever.

'Cause see, sisters spend lot of money

on gettin' themselves hooked up.

By a round of applause, how many sisters get their nails and they feet done?

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

And you know how that is. You know how that is.

You go in the nail shop and they...

[IMITATING ASIAN ACCENT] "How you do today?

"So special.

"Oh, you have big feet, you need soak in Pine-Sol.

"Right here, right here."

And you know they get into business, "How you do?

"You have boyfriend?

"You working?

"No working?"

[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

My name is Dana Point. Thank you.

[MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Give it up for Dana Point.

From Chicago.

All right, we gotta keep this shit rollin', boy.

This next performer is from Los Angeles

and is back for a third time on Def Comedy Jam.

He had a 30 minute special on HBO.

Please welcome D.L Hughley.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

How the fuck y'all doin'?

Oh, sookie, sookie now.

A blonde motherfucker with a white girl, ain't that a bitch.

HUGHLEY: You ain't learned shit from OJ, huh?

You gonna be drivin' down the street with a gun to your fuckin' head, huh?

I don't know if OJ did it or not.

But on TV, he look crazier than a motherfucker.

I'm at home goin', "That nigga may have done that shit."

You know, you go home and kill two white people with one knife.

You couldn't kill two niggas with the same knife in the same year.

One nigga would've gone, "Oh, I see y'all cuttin' motherfuckers up."

"Call me when you get your stitches,

"bitch, I ain't gettin' cut up for you."

The problem is white folk too God damn quiet.

You try to kill two niggas at 12:30 at night.

[SCREAMS]

"This motherfucker got a knife!"

White people would just... [MUFFLED EXCLAIMING]

You could tell the dog was a nigga

'cause he didn't try to help nary a motherfucker, did he?

The dog stayed out them white folk business, didn't he?

They found the dog two weeks later smokin' a joint.

"We thought you was a watch dog." "I am."

That's why I watched them get fucked up.

You know what cracked me up,

that 911 tape cracked me the fuck up.

"OJ's crazy! Listen, listen!"

You could tell that was a white brother

'cause If that was a sister, she'd have made that call from another broad house.

"OJ fuckin' the house up."

"Where you at?" "I'm at my friend Stacy's house.

"I know you didn't think I was stayin' there."

And people talk, all that shit.

"How come they didn't try..."

How the fuck are you gonna run from OJ?

He caught Kunta Kinte's ass. He'll run you down too.

Then you'll be a tired cut up motherfucker.

They say that Ron Goldman knew karate.

Well, that motherfucker must have skipped a class.

"How to handle a crazy motherfucker with a knife."

And if you die stupid, I don't feel sorry for you.

I don't feel sorry for nary a one of them motherfuckers in Waco, Texas.

I'm glad they burned their stupid asses up. Fuck 'em.

Motherfucker walkin' around, talkin' about how he's Jesus and had on glasses.

How the fuck you gonna be Jesus if you can't see worth a God damn?

You be healin' the wrong motherfuckers.

"Jesus, that ain't Lazarus.

"You done raised up the wrong nigga."

Jesus was black.

I knew Jesus was black before they told me what color he was.

I knew Jesus was black by the miracles he did.

Like when he took five fish and one loaf of bread and fed 10,000 hungry people.

Only a nigga can stretch a meal out like that.

Damn it, probably had macaroni and cheese, too.

But they didn't know how to spell it, so they just left it out.

Certain religions black folk ain't gonna get into.

We ain't gonna get into no religion

where we gotta confess to another motherfucker in a booth.

We ain't tellin' nobody shit we done already got away with.

"My son, what'd you do?"

"Motherfucker, what'd you hear?"

I don't know you. Fuck you.

Fuck around, catch a case talkin' to you. Fuck you.

"Jesus would wanna know." "Jesus already do know.

"You the nosy motherfucker. Fuck you."

I ain't shit, ain't never been shit, ain't ever gonna be shit,

but I tell the truth.

I hate the motherfuckers who ain't shit all six days a week,

and go to church be, "Sup."

You know you ain't shit when you go to church

and everybody get the holy ghost but you.

You try to get it, it skip right by you.

"Oh, ah, oh!"

"Oh! I didn't get it. Nigga, you get it?"

People speak in tongues, you started speakin' tongues talkin', "Order pizza.

"Tell him no sausage, extra cheese, pepperoni."

"You ain't speakin' in tongues.

"You're orderin' lunch."

"Bitch, I know. This wine done gave me the munchies. That the fuck happened."

Dogs don't get along with niggas, man.

Niggas, niggas... Dogs cannot stand them.

They hate to see niggas walk into a pet store.

"Oh, shit.

"Here comes the niggas. Pretend like you're dead."

But you know niggas, "Hey, hey, hey.

"How much for the sick dog? I know he on sale, ain't he?"

Y'all some slow motherfuckers, God damn.

Look at this brother up here with them big ass teeth.

God damn, I know your birthday's on Easter with teeth that big.

With teeth that big you better not go down on nobody.

You fuck around, get somebody a hysterectomy.

"I can't have no kids."

Look at this dude here just ready,

just slow cook them, huh?

You right they don't make that shade of nigga no more.

You know he black. When he walk he just crunch, crunch, crunch.

What's up, man? Those are some big ass ears you got.

You turn the right way we'll fuckin' get HBO in this motherfucker.

And who's the nigga with all them dreadlocks lookin' like a broke ass Predator.

How you doin'?

Let me stop fuckin' with you 'cause I know you got a gun.

Broke as you is, bullet's probably on layaway, huh?

Two more pennies, you dead as a motherfucker.

And who's the nigga next to you? God damn.

Look like a nigga Shaggy from Scooby-Doo.

[IMITATING SCOOBY-DOO]

God damn, you see the gums on that motherfuckin' guy?

You was 29 years old before you started teethin', huh?

That don't make no God damn...

Who the nigga next to you with that Charlie Brown sweater on?

I'm sorry nigga, I meant...

[IMITATING ADULTS FROM CHARLIE BROWN]

Y'all been great. Thank you.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

D.L. Hughley, y'all. Keep it goin'.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

I didn't know you had a white woman with you.

The man... We had this man out with the blonde afro.

She didn't know if she was with a white man or negro.

She just got her a combo negro. A blonde and black.

Well, y'all have fun at the Def Jam.

This is the part where we got to bring up Russell Simmons.

Come on, Russell.

MAN: I want everyone to know my name is...

Bring your ass up here.

Please say something.

Y'all wanna hear somethin' different?

Please, please make some noise so Russell can say something different.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Somethin' different.

Thank y'all for comin' out. God bless you, good night.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

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