Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

KID CAPRI: It's the Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Without any further ado,

put your hands together for the queen of comedy,

Miss Adele Givens!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Wassup y'all?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Aw shit!

Where they bus y'all in from today?

[AUDIENCE SHOUTING]

It's good that y'all get them weekend passes, ain't it?

What's up y'all? Welcome to the Def Comedy Jam.

I am your hostess, Adele Givens, I'm such a fuckin' lady.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Oh, boy, I got a... This is what I wanna do.

You know, everybody do they little thing with Def Comedy Jam.

This is my little thing. What I want to do for the show that I'm hostin',

I want to tell y'all a real joke,

'cause people always come up to me and say,

"You're a comedian, but you never tell jokes."

I tell jokes. It's just my funny point of view,

so I said I'm gonna tell jokes that y'all can understand.

The first one I want to tell you is about my cousin Roscoe.

Wrote it myself. Like to hear it? Here it go...

[LAUGHING]

Roscoe worked at a zoo,

and he was the overseer of a female gorilla.

And one night, the female gorilla got in heat.

And Roscoe was like, "Damn." 'Cause see, they didn't have no male gorillas.

He didn't know what he was gonna do.

'Cause he needed somebody to bone the female gorilla.

So he was like, "Damn, it's a dilemma, what could I do?"

Then he thought about it, "Sameo, that nigga will fuck anybody."

"And he'll do anything for some money."

So he went over there, and he... And he went...

Shut up, motherfucker, I'll get to you in a minute.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

He went to Sameo's house and he told him his dilemma.

And he said, "Look, man, you got to help me out. This gorilla needs some."

And Sameo's, "Man, you crazy? I ain't gonna fuck no gorilla.

"Nigga, what's wrong with you?"

He said, "I give you $100." "Okay, where he at?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

So they took Sameo to the zoo.

And they shackled the gorilla up 'cause you know,

the gorilla fuck Sameo up, right?

They shackled his hands and they shackled his feet.

They even put a muzzle on the gorilla mouth.

Told Sameo, "She all yours, go get her."

Sameo went in the cage. He start bonin'.

After a while it got good to the gorilla,

so she broke loose one of her hands.

Throw it around his goddamn back. Kept humpin'.

After a while, it got better.

She broke the other hand. She throw both arms around that motherfucker's back.

He kept humpin'.

After a while, must have got real good

'cause she broke the shackles on her feet

and throwed her legs around that motherfucker

and her arms and just humped with that mother.

Sameo started hollerin', "Hey, hey, she got loose. Come here, come here!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Roscoe and them come runnin', "Now what... Oh, shit, she got loose.

"You want us to shoot her?" He said, "Hell no,

"take the muzzle out so I can kiss this bitch!"

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

All right, everybody shout! Let me hear ya say, "Hell yeah."

AUDIENCE: Hell yeah!

Now, the energy that y'all givin' me, give it to this next performer.

He's originally from New York City.

Please welcome, Jimique!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Def Jam! Oh yeah!

A black man on TV.

Ain't no big thing gettin' on TV no more.

Everybody get on TV.

Deaf-mute people even get on TV.

How many of y'all seen the Miss America Pageant?

Deaf-mute woman won.

She didn't even know she won. She was standin' on the side like this.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Her friend had to tell her, "You won. You won."

You know, deaf-mute people...

[MAKES GUTTERAL SOUNDS]

My mother always told me, "Stop messin' with deaf-mute people."

Fuck it, they can't hear me!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And it's not like... We've all been on a bus with deaf-mute people before.

We see 'em signin', so we try to give 'em that respect and not look at them.

But then every few seconds they make a noise...

[MAKES GUTTERAL SOUNDS]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[GRUNTS] What?

Nigga, here's a pen, what?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

How many Jamaican ladies we got in the house? Jamaican women?

All right, that's good 'cause we gonna talk about they asses.

Oh, hell yeah. Jamaican women are some of the boldest women

put here on the face of the Earth.

A Jamaican woman will swiftly talk about American women

wearin' hair weaves and extensions.

But if you ever look at some of these Jamaican women,

they not only wearin' hair weave and extensions,

she got yarn, thread, spray paint, gold ball, balloons, stardust,

Christmas ornaments, tapestry, monopoly pieces, spray paint, sparkles,

saran wrap, glue, tin cans, dry macaroni, stuff she found on the floor.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And somebody need to tell these Jamaican women,

one size does not fit all.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Does not fit all.

You've seen it before, 200 pound Jamaican women

squeezin' their fat asses in a 100 pound pair of Spandex.

And then she got nerve to cut little slits on the side

just to let the cottage cheese ooze out.

Nasty.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Puerto Rican girls ain't no better.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Puerto Rican girls still be wearing jellies.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Y'all remember them. Them hard plastic shoes.

You outside playing all day. You come home, your feet's dirty

everywhere except for where the plastic was.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Now your foot look like a tiger. You growlin' and shit. "Rrr!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And last summer took the cake.

Ladies, there must have been a sale last summer

on those brown and beige striped dresses.

You women, oh, my God.[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Was a sale, right?

Was a sale, right?

[AUDIENCE WHOOPING]A sale.

Hey, wait a minute, you wore it with everything.

You wore it with boots, sneakers, sandals, all kind of wild stuff.

And then got the nerve to get mad 'cause you see another girl wearin' it.

"That bitch got my shit on."[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Bitch, it was a sale, I got one.

Yo, my name is Jimique, y'all. Good night!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Jimique, y'all. Jimique, give it up!

All right, y'all ready for the next person comin' to the stage.

This next person, I'm not reading, is originally...

That motherfucker look like Mary J. Blige, don't he? With an afro.

It's just white hair. I didn't...

When I saw Mary, I was like, "What's wrong with that bitch?"

You look like George Washington, Mary J.

With your remakin' ass. If it wasn't for old songs,

the bitch wouldn't have an album.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

God damn, copycat.

The bitch is a copycat. Thank you.

She started off makin' other people's shit.

Remember, "You... You remind me..."

Yeah bitch, you remind me of Patrice Rushen. Make your own shit.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

You can't be a new artist and just make remakes.

Do like Luther. Make all your shit first.

Then you settle your ass in and make a remake.

You don't jump your ass in, "See look, you remind me."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Okay. This next person comin' to the stage

is originally from Kansas City, New... Missouri...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]New Missouri.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Not the old one, you know, the new one,

they built right next to St. Louis, Missouri.

Excuse me, I'm gonna be white now.

WOMAN: Go ahead, go ahead.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Originally from Kansas City, Missouri.

Now living in Atlanta, the fabulous Mr. Darian Perkins.

Give it up, please.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Ah, yeah, Def Jam.

I need to know one thing before we go any further.

If you came here tonight to have a good time,

let me hear everybody in the house say, "Hell yeah."

AUDIENCE: Hell yeah.

Now, you deserve to have a good time, black people.

Because we done been through enough hell, am I right?

Oh, we done been through so much hell,

we done start comparin' every damn thing to hell. You notice that?

Think about it, there ain't nothin' you don't compare to hell.

Say you got a friend who went out and bought a brand new house.

Be braggin'.

You take time out to go see his house,

whole house ain't no bigger than your living room.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Now, you know when you get behind his back and talk about him, right,

you ain't gonna just say his house is small.

You gonna say his house is what?

Small as hell.

We the only ones that do that.

The only time white people the word "hell" is when some brothers

move in they neighborhoods, am I right?

Ah, that's gonna be the first thing they say when they up them curtains,

[BLOWS] "Ah, hell no!"

"Who in the hell do these niggers think they are?"

"Give me my shot gun, I'm runnin' them the hell up outta here."

Now, you know white people don't want us movin' in they neighborhood.

Some don't even want us walkin' out there.

That's why ain't no sidewalks in white neighborhoods. You ever notice that?

But they just don't know black folks. We don't use sidewalks.

They take too long. We'll make a shortcut in a minute on they ass.

Have dirt paths goin' all through they green grass.

Havin' it look like it got arteries in it.

Or we'll cut through they front yard.

Jump they fence, go through they back yard.

We'll cut through their living room, they leave their front door open.

And if they get an attitude, we'll give one right back with 'em, won't we?

Walkin' through they house, talkin' about, "Man, what you followin' me for?

"Ain't nobody gonna steal nothin', damn.

"This is just a shortcut to my job."

"And last week, you left your front door locked. I was late to work.

"You lucky I don't beat the hell out of you."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

What about the Koreans, yo?

The only time they use the word "hell"

is when they kickin' one of us up

out of they store for askin' for a refund, right?

"You get hell out store.

"You get hell out store now. No refund.

"You go, you go!"

Treat you real good when think you comin' to buy something, don't they?

"Welcome to store!"

"Haven't seen you long time.

"A refund? Hmm...

"Let me talk to manager about this."

That's when they start speakin' that Korean slang, though.

"We don't know what they hell they talkin' about, right?

"Only word we can make out is "refund.""

They be over there. [IMITATING KOREAN]

A refund... [IMITATING KOREAN].

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"I'll tell him. I'll tell him.

"Sorry but me can't help you."

"No, me can't help you now, you leave store. You go, you go!"

Won't even shop in a black-owned store, but that's all right.

'Cause we gonna make it come up.

When they come in our store askin' for a refund, speak slang.

I'm talkin' about some deep-routed black street slang with an attitude,

so they don't know what the hell we talkin' about.

"Oh, you want a refund?

"Yeah, let me talk to the manager about that.

"Hey, say black.

"Come here, holla at me for a minute, bro'.

"Peep 'dis out, peep 'dis out.

"This fool right here talkin' 'bout he want me give him

"his dead presidents back, right?

"I asked him why, 'cause that Pele jacket I sold him phat, man!

"He tryin' to play me like it ain't all that."

"And I ain't about to fall for that okie doke,

"when it come to makin' my commission, bro.

"I need all my ins to take care of my little shorty back at the crib, a'right."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Now, you best to go check it before he get smoked up in here.

"Oh, squash it? You ain't hearin' that? All right, tell it"

"Sorry, but me can't help you.

"No, me can't help you now. You go. You go!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

But you gotta give it up to the Koreans, they intelligent, man.

Think about it. You ain't never heard of a Korean gettin' car-jacked, have you?

You know why? They know how to play stupid on a brotha.

They will sit in they locked car, stare a car-jacker right there talkin' about,

"What you talkin' about? There's no Jack in here.

"No, not no Jack in here. Just me Kim Lee, there no Jack.

"There no Jack in there. You leave car. You go, you go!"

Soon as the police come, that's when they know what's goin' on.

"Police, police. Help, help! This man try to Jack me from my car.

"He tapped gun on window, tell me get out car. Huh!

"I know what time it was!

"I worka' hard for this car. He take and tear it up.

"You can't get refund for Honda.

"They tell you go! They tell you go!"

I'm Darian Perkins, y'all. Y'all been great.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Keep it goin'. Don't stop!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

This next person comin' to the stage is originally from Baltimore, Maryland.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

All right, Baltimore's in the house. That's good.

He's currently a writer on Living Single. That's a great show, too.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

And that's why it's so great, 'cause this is a genius at work.

He's back for a second time.

Please give him a big round of applause.

Warren Hutchinson. Give it to him now.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Hey, what's up? How you doin'?

God bless you. Glad you're here.

All the people from Baltimore.

AUDIENCE: Yeah.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Glad you're here. You can help me out. Huh?

WOMAN: Yeah, yeah.All right.

So you all can tell. Tell the people here now.

You know, in Baltimore, they have a commercial.

I don't know if it gets all the way up to New York.

'Cause there's a place in Virginia called Williamsburg.

You seen those commercials?

"Come to colonial historic Williamsburg, Virginia."

It's a little town in Virginia that's been preserved since the 18th century.

So you can go see life as life was lived in 18th century.

Well, no, thank you.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You know? It makes no sense to me.

Then you go down. I had an argument down there with one of the tour guides

'cause they want to rearrange history, you know.

They want to act like... This guy's goin' around pointin' out...

There's a big map of Virginia, "As you can see,

"Virginia was the largest of the 13 colonies.

"It was from here Manifest Destiny began."

"We explored the West, discovering new lands."

I was like, "Hey look, just say we stole the country and let us move on."

"Sir, sir, hey, hey."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Just a moment, sir, as I said, we explored the West."

"Discovering new lands and territories."

I said, "Hey, you know, if you believe that,

"you believe I can go into a court of law and say,

"You know, Your Honor, I was exploring some apartments...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"...and I discovered this man's place.

"I discovered his window open and all this stuff is mine.

"These are my things, this is my stereo, this is...

"This is my apartment."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I do work for Living Singleand I like it,

but it's TV and TV, you know, they change your perceptions.

They'll tell you anything. You know, you watch these shows in the morning,

The Price is Right. Those aren't real.

These people are fake.

You know, 'cause I don't know anybody that would calmly lose a $25,000 car

'cause they don't know the right price of Rice-A-Roni.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You know, somebody'd shoot Bob Barker right there.

"No, Bob, I think 88 cents is correct."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"No, little guessing games are over now, Bob."

"Hand me the keys."

You know who watches TV early mornin'? Old folks.

People who shouldn't be.

My grandmother, I wish she'd read a book.

Stop watchin' that early mornin' television 'cause her mind still...

You know, my grandmother believes in bad hair.

You know that, that's an old southern belief.

You know, people had good and bad hair. That don't make no sense.

My grandmother used to sit me down with a brush

and some grease that she would stick to the back of her hand

that would never fall off.

And... "Boy, this is a bad head.

"Lord have mercy, you've got to train your hair."

And I believed that for like 18 years. I honestly believed I had bad hair.

I thought my cousins who had, you know, thin fine hair.

They had good hair.

I believed that at night, my cousins' hair would

just lay there on the pillow and not bother nobody.

You know, my hair was out on the corners causin' robberies,

beatin' people up.

'Cause it was bad, it couldn't help itself, you know.

But she believed that. Grandma believes all kinds of things, you know.

And Jesus, oh, Lord, don't get her started.

She can't wait for Jesus to come back.

You know, I'll be happy when he comes back.

It's a big debate in this country.

You know, Jesus was black, Jesus was white it's... It's a big thing.

I mean, you know, if you want to believe,

whatever color you want to believe he is, he is.

But, you know, I think a lot of people in the south be very disappointed

if he is black.

All the little rednecks that had their little shows on 8:00 in the mornin'.

You know, "Oh, we love Jesus. Send your money to us,

"and we show you how to love him more."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Could you imagine the day Jesus comes back black?

They'll freak out.

Come runnin' out there, "Oh, Jesus is back. He's back. Jesus is back. Je..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Earl, run and get my shotgun.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"You say you Jesus, I bet I put another hole in your hand, God damn it.

"Where's Jesus, nigga?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Where is he?"

You know how you go to work work and you work around white people

and they need you to interpret your world for them.

Don't you hate that?

"Explain to me the gang thing, Warren."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"I mean, what makes them want to be...

"Why do they want to shoot?" You know, explain me the Army.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

That's a gang.

You know, they fight for real white, and blue.

And for no reason. They don't... I mean brothers...

Really, look at the Army commercial.

Not, not the one Del was... Look at the...

The whole basic thing, they like, "Hey...

"You want money for college?"

"Yeah."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"You willin' to kill somebody?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Kill who?" "Whoever we say."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Y'all take care of yourselves. Thanks a lot.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

ADELE GIVENS: Warren Hutchinson, y'all.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

We gonna have to keep it rollin', y'all,

'cause that shit is too good to stop it.

This next person comin' to the stage is originally from Chicago, Illinois,

and he lives in L.A. Please, show your love.

Please, for Michael Colyar.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

MICHAEL COLYAR: Thank you.

Yo, yo, yo.

I want to talk real quick about the police.

It's gonna save some asses if you listen up right now.

A lot of us get hurt by the police and we don't have to.

We do it because we don't approach the police correctly.

I see police comin' out and I look.

They comin' to doors and shit. That's okay.

If I say somethin' that ain't true and you're a police officer

correct my ass. Number one, the most important thing

to every police officer in the world

is gettin' home safely to his family.

If you remember that and the police is on your ass, it will help you change

the way you look at it and you'll be able to escape.

Now, here's what I'm talkin' about.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

My wife and I was goin' to a concert.

Patti LaBelle's Memorial Day concert.

We had no tickets. It was sold out.

We didn't give a fuck. We was goin'.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

We jump in the car. Got kinda sharp.

I'm drivin' a limo.

I got a motherfuckin' limo.

Now, I ain't got no driver. Can't afford the driver.

No, no, but I got the fuckin' limo.

No, I was... You know, I was once on drugs.

I know about the Twelve Step program and it's one step at a time.

I got the car, I will get the fuckin' driver.

Anyway...[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Anyway, we out drivin'.

We're tryin' to get down to the Patti LaBelle concert

and I'm bookin', you know, I'm jammin' in this car and here's my wife.

"You better slow down."

"You know this Memorial Day weekend.

"Three times as many police as usual.

"You better slow down or the police gonna come.

I said, "Baby, I ain't doin' but 71."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"No, no, no, baby, I have a Fleetwood Cadillac 1981 stretch

"That motherfucker don't take off 'til you doin' 80."

I'm doin' 71, and I'm bookin'.

I said, "Baby, I drive this road all the time, I don't never get a ticket."

"Okay. I'm tellin' you, the police gonna come." Bigger than shit.

They go... [MAKES SIREN SOUNDS].

Here she go, "See?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"I told you they was gonna come."

I said, "You're damn right they came.

"You called they ass."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

The police are pullin' me over.

Remember the law I just told you.

Number one for every police officer in the world

is to get home safely to his family that evening.

He thinks about that every moment.

As he pulls you over, the only thing you need to remember is,

you ain't got to worry about the police if you ain't dirty.

You say, "Michael, what you mean, you ain't dirty?"

If you ain't got no pistols, no drugs, or no warrants,

you ain't gonna have nothin' but a conversation, unless you fuck it up.

So the police pullin' me over. Am I worried? Fuck no!

I'm workin' on my lie, workin' on my lie, workin' on my lie.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

The police pull me over, and the first thing they do

is they put all that bright light in your car.

They do that to disorient you.

Throw you off in case you up to some shit.

They comin' along the side of your car,

and I wanna tell you real quick,

the police stopped me in the limo 'cause it's black.

It's a big black car, I'm a black man, with a black hat,

they must do it, it is law.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

People, I was wearin' a Nino Cerruti

1881 shawl-collar jacket with one gold button.

I was wearin' a Nino Cerruti jacket.

And the tie went with it. Look here, you got three minutes. I'm with you, baby.

I was wearin' a Nicole Miller silk, hand-stitched tie

with my picture on the motherfucker.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I was wearin'... Wait a second, wait a second.

I was wearin' a pair of white linen trousers

with a one-eighth inch cuff and a crease so sharp

you can cut bread with the motherfuck'!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

My dick got hard. I'm sorry.

Nah, nah, that always happens when I talk about myself.

But anyway, they look in the car,

they see we ain't got no weapons.

Sharp as can be, now they talkin' to you.

Here's the communication. This tells the difference.

This separates the men from the boys.

They come up to the car.

Here I go. "License, registration... Pa- dah!

"You don't have to ask me for it."

You ain't gonna say with a registration with a license, I do this shit.

"Oh, let me get it for you." Fuck no! Pa-dah!

Right there. And now here comes the conversation.

"Is there a problem, Officer?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Yeah, you was goin' pretty fast, young man."

"Oh, was I?

"Well, Officer... I'm supposed to be opening for Patti LaBelle

"at the Universal Amphitheatre."

Fucking lie, but he doesn't know.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"And I don't know if you know Patti or not,

"but she don't appreciate it when you're late."

The officer fell back, looked at the watch.

He said, "You know, if you go one block up,

"make a left, make a quick short turn,

"you can be back on the freeway.

"And pal, I think you can make it. Be careful."

Why'd he sent me off?

'Cause he looked in the car, and he talked to me.

He knew I was articulate and intelligent.

He knew I was a gentleman and a scholar.

Intellectual giant in a pool of mental midgets

and a connoisseur of fine haberdashery.

He knew.[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

He knew that he wasn't in danger.

I let him do his job. Now, he ain't got to do a bunch of paperwork.

He ain't got to make me get out the car and lay my face on the pavement.

He ain't got to shoot me and fuck me up.

He can get back to his fuckin' donut.

Everybody's happy.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Good night ladies and gentlemen. I'm Michael Colyar. Peace.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Michael Colyar!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

It's that time, you guys. Time to bring the bald-headed man up.

The man who pay the bills.

Time to say good night.

How you doin', Russell Simmons?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

We want him to say somethin' different, really, right?

Honestly, right?

Make noise if you want some different shit.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

You hear that, right? Aight, do your thang.

Thank y'all comin' out. God bless you. Good night.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

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