Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

KID CAPRI: It's the Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for my main man,

Mr. Joe Torry!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Ugh!

Wassup?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

God damn.

Y'all came out to laugh with me, say "Hell yeah!"

AUDIENCE: Hell yeah!

Aight then, give my man in the DJ booth a round of applause, y'all.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]Baddest motherfucker.

Kid Capri!

Wassup, wassup, wassup? Wassup with y'all?

The fuck is this, man? What the fuck is y'all?

The king and queen of the projects?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Look at that shit, they just like, "Yo, you gonna wear your shit?"

"Yeah, I'm gonna wear my shit!"

Y'all married?

Oh, okay, that's cool. All right.

Man she like, "Here the ring."

You see that shit, "There the ring!"

That's cool though, y'all. Cool.

Y'all married. You know, ain't nothing wrong with that.

God bless. Who all... Who else in here married?

Anybody else in here married?

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING LIGHTLY]

Ain't that many people married, huh?

A white man way up there.

"I'm not afraid to say it. Hell, I love Beth."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

That's cool. But I ain't here to... That marriage shit scare my ass, man.

For real, 'cause shit change when you get married, y'all. For real.

You can't be the same person no more.

You gotta give up a whole lot of shit.

Especially if you're a guy and shit. You gotta give, give, give, give, give.

For real, because you can't come home full.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Little simple shit like that. Women trip over that.

For real. You can't come home like, you know,

played ball, worked out with the fellas and shit.

Then they're like, "Let's go get something to eat."

You know. My partner like, "Nah, man, you know...

"I'm... I gotta wait 'til I go home."

Nigga, ain't you hungry now?

"Yeah, but I can't go home and she ain't ate."

So, she ain't worked out!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"No, man, you know, I just, you know. I... I can't go home like that."

Damn! Man, I'm hungry, I'm eatin' now. Fuck that.

Gotta eat when I'm hungry and stuff.

'Cause you can't even come home with shit for yourself no more.

You can't come home with one of something, talking about,

"Honey, look, look, look what I got! Look what I got!"

She like, "That's all you got is one?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You're like, "Nah, this really for you.

"I don't. Just... Need nothing for myself."

You know what I'm sayin', just...

That's fucked up. 'Cause, you know,

I went to Martin's wedding and shit. Right?

Martin got married. I mean I was like in that motherfucker.

I'm like "Damn!" 'Cause, it was a pretty wedding.

Had 18 bridesmaids.

Eighteen. Women know like 18 women that want to be in the wedding

'cause women, y'all always wanna be in the fuckin' wedding coordinating shit.

Wanna walk and cry and all that happy-ass shit.

You know what I'm sayin? I'm like, "Uh-uh, I ain't doin that shit."

Then women get... Y'all get, y'all get all the shit too. What y'all get?

Two big shiny diamond rings when you get married.

I don't... You do get... What we get, fellas?

You know what I'm sayin'? Little bitty ass washer or some shit.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Somethin' like a keychain or somethin', you know what I'm sayin?

And you supposed to be like, "I do, I do wish there were some more diamonds

"up in here."[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

We payin' for the shit. Why we gotta get this little ass shit?

I ain't lyin'. If I ever buy a girl a karat, she better eat that motherfucker.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Aight, aight, aight, aight. First comic comin' to the stage y'all,

living in Brooklyn. Give it up for Drew Fraser!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

One, two, one, two. Everybody in the house?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!DREW FRASER: All right,

let's kick it off.

Y'all remember back in the day?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Remember the weed we had back then?

Remember that shit came in a brown paper bag?

Yo ass got 15 joints out that motherfucker!

And if it didn't get 15, you took that shit right the fuck back!

That's what I'm talkin' about. You can't do that shit no more.

Too much racism in the world now, black people.

You know that we don't even get fired the same way white people do?

Hell no.

White people get fired at 9:30 in the mornin'.

Have the rest of the day all to themselves.

Black people get fired at 4:30, 4:45.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]After they done slaved the out of us all day.

And when white people get fired,

they get a letter of recommendation

so they can get a new job.

Shit. Black people get fired, we get escorted out the buildin' by security.

'Cause they know we're gonna fuck shit up.

"Motherfucker just can't come fire me at 4:30 in the afternoon.

"I done floured the chicken all day.

"Motherfucker, I done cooked a whole pot of hot wings now you wanna fire me?"

Shit.

And you ever notice when black people get fired, they tell on everybody?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Huh? I'm fired?"

"But, what about Raheem?"

"Raheem took shit, too."

Raheem be in the back, "Aw, man, this nigga tellin' on me, man."

"Y'all get that computer out my locker."

'Cause y'all know, we some tellin' motherfuckers.

Shit, I know I am.

Shit, I know if I go rob a bank with three of my friends,

and I get caught, shit, we all got caught.

Nigga, I be right there, "Yo, y'all, come on man, we caught."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Yo, they caught us, nigga, come on.

"Nigga, I ain't gonna do 20 years by myself."

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING].Nigga, I got things to do.

"Hey, Officer, they right there. They're with me, right there.

"Pookie, Ray-Ray, all them."

Shit. 'Cause y'all know we can't get away with no motherfuckin' crime.

Hell no. See, white people get away with crime.

'Cause white people know how to do crime.

See, white people kill people, bury them in the backyard,

and then join the search party lookin' for the ass.

Be all up in the woods, "Marylou?

"Mary?"

Meanwhile, they got Marylou buried in the basement.

We can't get away with shit, y'all. Uh-uh.

And they always blamin' us for shit.

Always blamin' us... Like that white lady.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Mmm-hmm.

Uh-huh.

She gonna put her kids in the car,

put them in the water, and then blame it on a black man.

Now what fucked me up was she done had a sketch of a nigga.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

It fooled me 'cause I thought I recognized the motherfucker.

I thought it looked like Leroy.

And Leroy just got out.

I'm about to tell on his ass, 'cause I got things to.

Nigga, uh-uh.

And they always blamin' us for drugs.

Uh-uh, let me tell y'all. White people sell more drugs than us, y'all.

Oh, yeah. But see...

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

White people know how to sell they drugs.

See, white people get a store.

Be sellin' drugs out, they store for years before anybody find out.

But you know a nigga sellin' drugs out of his store as soon as you walk in.

The nigga got two cans of peas on the shelf.

One loaf of bread, half a gallon of milk

and a little Jamaican nigga sittin' behind bullet-proof glass.

Talkin' about, "What do ya need, man?"

"Nigga, I need some food, nigga!"

"Where the food at, nigga? I got things to do."

"Motherfucker."

And white people can't handle their bills like we can, y'all.

Oh, no, they can't handle their bills, uh-uh.

White people get a phone bill for $500

and pay it.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Black people, y'all know, we get a phone bill for $500, shit,

we let them turn that motherfucker off.

Next week we got a new phone in somebody else's name.

Niggas, y'all know what I'm talkin' about. I got things to do!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

JOE TORRY: Drew, y'all!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]Let me see your belly button.

Let me see. You got your stomach all out.

You got it pierced too? Damn!

Freaky, freaky.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I want to see Prince and Madonna fuck.

That's the... That'll be the...

That's the freakiest combo. They just blow up and shit.

It's too much freak goin' on and shit.

Both of them would be hollerin' about...

"Take it out my ass, put it in yours."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"I thought I was first." [LAUGHING]

Joe Torry is no longer in the business.

"Prince and Madonna has bought his contract."

All right.

Are y'all ready for the next comedian?

AUDIENCE: Yeah, is he funny?

He gotta be funny. This man is from the Show Me state,

my home town. Funny as hell, from St. Louis,

Lavell Crawford![AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Wassup!AUDIENCE: Wassup!

Glad to be here. Glad to be anywhere, man.

Had to do a rough show last week.

Had to do a country-western bar.

On the wrong night, too.

Hang a Nigga Night.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

But thank God, I don't have no neck.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

He was pretty pissed at me, "Get his fat ass outta here.

"He ain't got no fuckin' neck!

"All we can do is choke his chin!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I know I'm big. I'm tryin' to lose weight. I been walkin',

but people always fuckin' with you on the road when you walkin'.

Like this guy gonna drive up with a station wagon full of kids

hangin' out the window talkin' about,

"Excuse me, buddy, you know where a good place to eat at?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

He's like, "Nah, we'll just follow your fat ass around 'til you get home."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Then this chick drives up in this Ferrari Testarossa, nice lookin' gal.

Gonna wind down her window, look at me, talkin' about...

"Pardon me, are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Me bein' the debonair playboy that I am,

I said, "Why yes, they are."

She looked at me and looked at me again and said,

"Damn, I didn't know they made them in yo size!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Take 'em off that now. Come on, bend over, big boy,

"I don't believe this shit. Shoot me in the ass. Don't make no sense.

"Ain't makin' those jeans that fuckin' big."

I hate all kind of jeans. I don't even like Levi jeans.

Y'all like Levi jeans?AUDIENCE: Yeah.

I hate Levi jeans for one simple reason.

'Cause they got the nerve to put your size of your jean

on the back of the fuckin' jean.

I don't want my business out on the street.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

All right for you skinny people, what you wear? Twenty-nine, 31?

Medium-sized people, 34, 36?

What do they put on the back of my big-ass jeans?

Elastic!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

What kind of jeans can a fat dude wear, anyway?

What, Wrangler jeans? Wrangler, I look like a big branded cow with two big W's

on the back of my jeans,

I got those two big W's that little shit hole in the middle,

make it spell "wow". Hang me upside down and spell "mom".

Roll my big ass down the hill going "Wooga, wooga, wooga."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I looked at one girl that night, though. Boy, shit, boy we got it on.

Did that oral sex thing.

Oh, shit. Whoo! Thank you.

All of a sudden, man, afterwards, she's sittin' on the edge of the bed,

this funny look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong with you?" She said, "I don't know.

"I got this oily taste in my mouth."

I said, "From suckin' my dick?" She said, "Yeah."

I said, "Well, girl, ain't you heard? Fat men greasy."

I love you ladies. Y'all the most powerful creatures in the world.

Y'all... Oh, man, I was with a woman the other night.

Never had sex before with her in my life, man.

We in the bed... In the bed about to make love,

she gonna look at me, sayin', "You know, Lavell,

"I was watching Real Sexon HBO

"and they tie their men up on there." I said, "And?"

She said, "Can I tie you up?" I said, "Hell no, I done seen Basic Instinct."

She said look at me, talkin' about, "Don't you think I'm sexy?"

I said, "Yeah."

"Don't you want me?" I said, "Yeah."

"Can I tie you up?" "Okay."

So here I am, butt naked, tied up to this fuckin' twin bed.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Then she gonna look at me, talkin' about,

"Lavell, I wanna add an extra incentive."

I said, "Incentive? Shit."

I went to college to drop my cousin off, so I had to look that shit up.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]Come to find out that means "other shit."

I'm like, "All right, what you wanna do now?"

She was like, "I wanna blindfold you."

Gonna look at me, talkin' about...

I said, "Hell no, girl. Shit, I ain't gonna let you blindfold..."

She gonna look at me talkin' about,

"Don't you think I'm sexy?" I said, "Yeah."

"Don't you want me?" I said, "Yeah."

"Can I blindfold you?" "Okay."[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

So here I am butt naked, blindfolded to this damn twin bed.

And she gonna say, "All right. Babe, I'm gonna lay parts of my body down on your mouth,

"and all I want you to do is taste 'em and tell me what they are."

I'm like, "Ooh, okay!"[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

So she leans down and said, "Taste it and tell me what this is."

[SUCKING]

I said, "That's your titty." She said, "That's right." I said, "Ah, shit."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

She leans down again and says, "Taste this and tell me what this is."

[SUCKING]

I said, "That's your other titty!" She said, "That's right."

I said, "Come on, girl!"

So she leans down again and said, "Taste this and tell me what this is."

I went... [SUCKING]

I said, "That's your dick, bitch! Get your ass off me!

[SPITTING] "Blah, blah, blah!"[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

I did my time. My name's Lavell Crawford. Peace!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING][MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, shit.

What's up, cat daddy?

Eight track Jones in the house, ladies and gentleman.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I've got an eight track close and play. He got the shit.

What's goin' on?

You know, there's 58 songs on a eight track.

He could fuck for two days on an eight track.

Go to work, come back, the shit's still playin. Just song 47.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

All right. [LAUGHING]

Are y'all ready for the next comedian?

AUDIENCE: Yeah, is he funny?

Y'all still with my ass. Hell yeah, and it's a she, ladies and gentleman.

Give it up for Small Fry!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Hey there!

Hey, let me explain myself. Like he said, I'm originally from Mississippi,

but I live in Atlanta, so if I happen to say something

you quite don't understand what I'm sayin',

just raise your hand and I'll translate, okay?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You're already raisin' your hand.

How many y'all been to church before?

Church? Everybody been to church. Everybody been to church.

I went to church last month

because we had a family reunion.

And it was in Mississippi, you know, my grandma's church,

and it was a sanctified church. Y'all been to one of them?

AUDIENCE: Yeah.Where the preachers be knowin' everything you did wrong.

He called me out, right? I was like, "Damn, we gonna be here all day."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

So I'm tryin' to repent all this stuff while I'm walkin' up to the altar, right?

So I get up there. He told me to raise my hand, so I raise my hands up.

Then he put the grease on my hands and on my head.

Messed up my hair, too.[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

But he didn't say nothin', he just start prophesizin' and stuff.

He told me, he said, "Look girl."

He said, "I'm gonna tell you somethin'."

He said, "God got somethin' in store for you."

But he ain't even tell me what store it was.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I was like, "Hey, you got somethin' in here for me?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]They were like, "Naw."

So any time a man tell y'all somethin',

make sure they be more Pacific.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Lady, ladies, tell the truth. 'Cause it's a major problem.

But see, I'm here to help y'all.

The only way you can fix the problem is first,

you got to recognize there's a problem. Am I correct?

Ladies, don't it seem like as soon as we get our hair done,

men be tryin' to have sex and mess it up?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]Don't it? Don't it?

And then we have sex with them, right? Then they go to sleep.

Now our hair messed up. We can't go nowhere.[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

We sit there lookin' mad 'til we fall asleep.

Then they mad 'cause we spent all their money.

See, you don't have to go through that 'cause see, I have designed a way

where we can have sex without messin' up our hair.

My hair been like this since thanksgiving.[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I ain't missed a day yet. But see, all it take is concentration.

What's your favorite position?

Doggy style. You like it doggy style.

So that means you be like this.

AUDIENCE: No!

You didn't say you give it doggy style.

You said you like it doggy style.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

Boy, they comin' on out these days.

What you like?

AUDIENCE MEMBER: I like the girl on top.

You like the girl on top.

Lazy bastard.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

What you like, baby? In the red shirt, what you like?

Huh? You like to be on top?

What kind of position?

SMALL FRIE: Where are her legs?

Right up there?

You look kind of skinny, now.

Huh?

You can spin me around? I'm gonna spin around, ain't no problem.

But ladies, I'm gonna show y'all

how to do these positions messin' up your hair. Cool?

But you gotta remember at this point in time,

your hair is the most important.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

All right?

Now, we gonna start off with the doggy style position.

Is everybody familiar?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Is everybody familiar?

AUDIENCE: Yeah.

Uh-huh, that's what I thought.

Now ladies, when you in this position,

you don't want to relax too much.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]Okay?

See, the whole idea is to brace yourself.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Let me show you how.

See, you have a joint.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Right here. In your elbow.

What you wanna do is twist and lock it.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS]

All right?

See, if you lock it, that means no matter how hard it hits you,

your head won't hit that bedpost.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS]

Okay.

Now, I'm lookin' in the crowd.

A lot of y'all got these long fingernails.

Like, if you got long fingernails,

you can't do that too often 'cause you gonna slip. You gonna break a nail.

So what you gonna have to do is like be on top.

But you wanna stretch first. You go like, ten to the left,

ten to the right.

Ten in the middle.

Let me tell you a secret. If you do push-ups and sit-ups,

it'll build your muscles up in your legs,

and it'll give you a good balance.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS]

Thank y'all, my name is Small Frie.

[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

[MUSIC STOPS]

Hey. Yaffle dapple dapple dipple.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

[CHUCKLES]

Thing one and thing two.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

All right.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS][CHUCKLES]

Y'all ready for the next comedian?

AUDIENCE: Yeah, is he funny?

From DC, y'all. Please welcome back here for a second time,

Will E., alias known as D.J. Robo.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC STOPS]

Wassup?

I'm here to tell it now, first topic, we get this thing off sex.

Y'all black women lookin' so good,

men, you gotta give it to 'em good.

Give it to 'em like Robo.

[AUDIENCE BEGINS TO APPLAUD]Nah uh-uh! Not yet, not yet.

You got a lot of time.

One girl talkin' about somethin',

"Since you Robo, let me see what you can do?"

No problem.

Took her to the room. I said, "Come on."

She said, "Get the remote control. Point it right here."

I'm... [MIMICS BEEP]

She pointed it... [MIMICS BEEP] Robo transformed.

[VOCALIZES MOTOR STARTING AND WHIRRING]

She said, "Damn! Let me go get a condom."

"Don't get no condom.

"Condom already there, lubricated. I'm the new model."

It folds up.

[VOCALIZES ROBOT SOUNDS]

[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

Took her to the room, "Come on."

[VOCALIZES ROBOT SOUNDS]

[IN ROBOTIC VOICE] "Bend over please."

[VOCALIZES ROBOTIC SOUNDS]

[VOCALIZES ROBOTIC WHIRRING]

"Keep all hands on the..."

Get your feet off my stage, bro.

Put your feet down, bro.

Get your feet down.

All right, motherfucker.

[VOCALIZES ROBOT SOUNDS]

[VOCALIZES ROBOTIC WHIRRING]

And it was gettin' good. She tried to run.

I did Mortal Kombat.

I can't tell ya. I said,

[IN ROBOTIC VOICE] "Come here."

[VOCALIZES ROBOTIC WHIRRING]

[IN ROBOTIC VOICE] "Come here."

[VOCALIZES ROBOTIC WHIRRING]

[IN ROBOTIC VOICE] "Come here."

[VOCALIZES ROBOTIC WHIRRING]

It said, "Finish her."

[VOCALIZES ROBOTIC WHIRRING]

[IN ROBOTIC VOICE] "Step to the left,

"and thank you for your cooperation."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS]

But see, it's gotten so good, you know, sometimes I don't mess with women

with more than three kids.

If you have three kids and you pregnant, that's all right.

But now these little kids are bad, y'all.

Hell, yeah. With one girl.

Had a pretty little daughter, just a pretty little daughter.

I don't like her now. Ol' bitch.

I'm sayin' this girl's so bad, man. This girl can roll her eyes.

Little girl rolled her eyes so long, she fell asleep.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

[VOCALIZES ROBOTIC WHIRRING]

[IN ROBOTIC VOICE] "D.J. Robo, step forward."

[VOCALIZES ROBOTIC SOUNDS]

[IN ROBOTIC VOICE] "Program beat."

[VOCALIZES BEEPING]

[IN ROBOTIC VOICE] "Turn table."

[VOCALIZES ROBOTIC SOUNDS]

[IN ROBOTIC VOICE] "Records."

[VOCALIZES ROBOTIC WHIRRING]

[VOCALIZES ROBOTIC SLURPING]

[VOCALIZES ROBOTIC WHIRRING]

[VOCALIZES ROBOTIC SLURPING]

[VOCALIZES VINYL RECORD SCRATCHING]

You want to battle, Kid Capri?

You can't fuck with Robo.

Let's go, Kid, you go first.

[BEATBOXING]

[KID CAPRI PLAYS BEATS ]

[BEATBOXING]

[VOCALIZES VINYL RECORDS SCRATCHING ON TURNTABLE]

Your turn.

[PLAYING BEATS]

Motherfucker, you gotta come better.

[BEATBOXING]

Motherfucker, you gotta come better than that.

[BEATBOXING]

Can't fuck with him.

[PLAYING FUNKY HONKING SOUNDS]

[BEATBOXING]

There's some hos in this house. There's some hos...

[BEATBOXING]

There's some hos... Take it back.

[BEATBOXING]

[PLAYING BEATS]

[PLAYING FUNKY ROBOTIC BEATS]

[AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS]

Ah motha... [BEATBOXING] What's his name?

[BEATBOXING]

He make the girls...

He make the girls go

[MOANS SENSUALLY AS WOMAN] Will E., Will E.

[MOANING SENSUALLY AS WOMAN AND BEATBOXING]

Thank you for your cooperation.

[AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS]

[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING]

D.J. Robo.

D.J, D.J, D.J. Robo.

[MUSIC STOPS]

Kid, thanks for not fuckin' him up, Kid.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

He made kid mad. Kid was back there like,

"Why... I'm sleepin', motherfucker.

"I got some shit for your ass."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Shit. Kid been mixin' since eight tracks, just like this.

Look at 'em.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS]

Damn.

Don't even come up here, man. Don't even come up here.

'Cause you gonna say the same shit.

Aight, aight, aight. Aight, aight, aight, aight.

You ain't gotta say it. What's he goin' to say, y'all?

[AUDIENCE SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Thank you all for comin' out. God bless and good night.

[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

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