Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

KID CAPRI: It's the Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for my man here.

Mr. Joe Torry!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I was getting wound up, man.

I'm gonna get that shit one of these fuckin' day.

Somebody gonna teach me the God damn butterfly.

Wassup man? Dogs in the house, wassup, what's going on, girl?

Cue dogs in the house. [BARKING]

Aight, aight, aight.

Enough... People that ain't been to college, that's a black fraternity.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Know what I'm sayin'. I don't think we goin' crazy 'n shit.

Before I start the show, though.

Baddest DJ in the land. My partner,

God damn comedy clown, all type of shit.

Kid Capri, y'all!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

That motherfucker hear that shit.

And if you came out to laugh man, say, "Hell yeah!"

AUDIENCE: Hell yeah!

How y'all doin'? It's crowded like a motherfucker up there.

Y'all just get in where you fuckin' fit in, huh?

How you doin', Rhea Perlman, how you doin'?

Is in the house tonight, ladies and gentlemen.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]JOE: From Cheers.

I see you sittin' over there. Damn!

Chillin' with the Def Jam.

God damn. Motherfuckers at Cheers is like, "What the fuck?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

God damn, how you doin'?

Thanks for comin' to the show.

Now that's... That's like some legendary shit going on right there.

See that shit happenin'.

See when shit happenin' fuckin' nine five?

I can't believe that shit in five more years,

it's gonna be the year, like, 2000.

Y'all ain't caught up with that shit. Year 2000.

It's like a whole 'nother century.

I'm like, damn. I mean, because even though it's new,

you gonna sound old as a motherfucker if you're born in the year 2000.

I mean, because shit back now, like don't even matter.

Like how you gonna brag on your car?

Like, "I'm drivin' a '99." Nigga, that old ass shit!

Like, I got a one!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Know what I'm sayin'?

You gonna see kids walkin' around with a "Class of Three" on their jacket.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

2003, that sounds old as a motherfucker, but they young!

I'm sayin', you know we gonna old like 2050.

I'm sayin' everybody here gonna be old.

We gonna be tellin' old ass stories 'n shit.

"Now I remember, heck, 2005,

"I remember correctly because the O.J. trial was still going on."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Uh-huh. Michael Jordan...

"Michael Jordan had just won the World Series.

"And Farrakhan become president."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

All right, ladies and gentlemen.

We gonna do this shit right.

So! Without further ado, are y'all ready for the next comedian?

AUDIENCE: Damn! Is he funny?

A'ight. check this out y'all, check this out y'all,

check this out, you know what I'm saying.

Because this next guy coming to the stage happens to be my little brotha.

You've seen his ass before, know what I'm sayin'.

From St. Louis and shit, and I'm glad he workin',

got him back on the show because I kicked him outta the house

because he ain't nothin' but a moochin' little bastard, so fuck him!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

So give a warm round of applause, from St. Louis, my little brother

the world famous Guy T!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING][MUSIC PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

That's fucked up, Joe!

We brothas, man.

Need no brown lookin' ass nigga.

How you gonna talk about me man?

We brothas! CMB!

You all I got!

You all I got!

Am I my brotha's keeper?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

That's fucked up, man. How you gonna jaw on me, man?

He wanna snap on a brotha. You wanna tell some family secrets, huh?

Well, I got some snaps for your ass, black motherfucker!

Joe's so black, every time I look at him, I think I'm asleep!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I got some family secrets. Y'all wanna know some family secrets about Joe?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Tell them about the time you used to pee in the bed until you was 18, brotha'!

Went from diapers to Depends.

Mr. Poetic Justice.

Mr. Couldn't Get It Up.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

He go fuck like a microwave, get all heated up and go "ding" in 30 seconds.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Is this what you're looking for, Chicago?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

A'ight!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Tupac!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Let Tupac whoop that ass.

You probably the one that shot him!

Now he got a new album coming out called Slug Life.

Keep your nuts up.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

That's fucked up, man!

I came a long way in entertainment though, y'all.

I'm doin' this comedy thing. I know when I first started out, though.

This shit was fucked-up. You got promoters who call up and lie to you.

"Guy T.

"I'm gonna fly you in and do a show. Take care of you, man!

"Fly you in American. First class."

I got to the plane, it had Afro-American on that motherfucker.

Section eight.[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Duct tape wrapped all around the damn wings.

I go to take my seat, they got boarded up windows with a crack in it.

I'm lookin' through the window and I see the pilot runnin' for the damn plane.

I look behind him, he got the police chasin' his monkey-ass!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Then we didn't get to leave for another two hours

because the plane had a boot on that motherfucker!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

What's this boot stuff that they put on your cars?

You don't pay your ticket, they put a big metal boot on your car.

One brotha had five of 'em.

One on each wheel and one on the damn spare.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Then in some states, they got these stupid electronic signs on the freeway

that tell you shit you already know. Say "Freeway condition."

During rush hour, what they say? "Slow traffic."

Fuck, I know that, I'm in it!

Don't you warn a brotha, say "Highway patrol ahead, slow your ass down'."

"Car-jacking, exit now."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And in L.A. and Japan, they shoulda had them on the freeway

talkin' about how the freeway gone.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I think the freeway should be segregated, though, by race.

We can't drive together.

Asian people would destroy some damn traffic.

Why? Because they can't read.

Big ass sign say "wrong way."

"Wrong way."

They must think it say "Wong way."

They don't see the R in that motherfucker.

Then white folks. I see's ya.

Y'all destroy some traffic. Why? Because you too God damn nosy!

You always lookin', lookin', lookin'!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

The fuck you lookin' at?

Drive your damn cars!

Every time somebody get a ticket or accident, they got the rubber neck.

They got to slow down and look.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Slow down and look.

Like you can do something about traffic.

If you ain't slowin' down lookin' what you doin',

diggin' in your nose and ass at the same time!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Black folks, why we laughin'?

We mess up traffic, too. We get the most speedin' tickets.

Why? Because we never on time for shit.

What time was the show supposed to start?

We always late. We could live right next door to where we work,

we'd be late every damn mornin'!

Clock in time, 8:00, you get there 8:15, you ready for a coffee break.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Ooh, I is tired." You ain't did a damn thing!

You gotta trick us into being on time.

If it start at 9:30, tell us to be there at 6:00.

We'd be late to our own funeral.

Go to a black funeral, and what happen, open casket, nigga comin' down the aisle.

"Hold up, motherfucker."[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Make up!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And what kills me most of all, and I like New York

because y'all don't have that pedestrian law.

In L.A., they got this pedestrian law,

the pedestrian has the right-of-way when crossing the street.

The right-of-way. That means you can be doin' 80 miles an hour.

Somebody decided they wanna walk

they happy-go-lucky ass across the street.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You've got to slow down and stop, oh, hell no!

I'm knockin' dust off somebody ass.

I hit a man two weeks ago!

Police done stop me, sayin' "Uh, can I see your license and registration?"

I'm like "Why?" "Well, you just hit a man two miles back."

"Didn't you know he had the right-of-way?"

I'm like, "Yeah, I didn't hesitate, I hit his ass right away, pow!"

Peace, y'all. Guy T. St. Louis!

Let's hit the ground.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

World-famous Guy T, y'all.

World-famous Guy T.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Guy T will no longer be on the Def Comedy Jamshow.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Talkin' about the host.

Wassup man?

Karl Kani in the house, ladies and gentlemen,

give him a round of applause.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Got the brothas with him.

Wassup, man?

I'm supposed to come by and get some shit, man.

You a hard man to catch up with, man.

I'm gonna get some shit. Wassup Juwan, how you doin', man?

Juwan Howard! From the Washington Bullets.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Rollin' and shit. We rollin' this shit.

A'ight y'all, a'ight, a'ight, a'ight.

Ah, shit.

All right, are y'all ready for the next comedian?

AUDIENCE: Damn! Is he funny?

Hell yeah. From Los Angeles, makin' his first appearance.

Give it up for Ruben Paul!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING][MUSIC PLAYING]

Wassup?

New York, make some noise!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Y'all can do better than that, I said make some noise!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Black people, make some noise one more time for me,

we need to do.[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

White folks, make some noise!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

You guys are fuckin' in here. Look at 'em,

"I'm fuckin' in here, black guy. Yeah!"

"Ah-ha, yeah, whoo!"

Yeah![AUDIENCE CHEERING]

White people be everywhere.

They know they motherfuckin' rules, too.

"Uh, excuse me, sir, this uh... Is this Def Comedy Jam?"

Yeah, you know it's a black show. "I don't give a fuck!

"This is the United States of America, I know my rights, man.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]"Come on! Come on!"

White folks be everywhere. You could be in the jungles of Africa.

"Hey, white people, what the fuck are you doing here?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You know, I ain't tryin' to get on white people because you know,

I wanna say, no one is better than anybody else, we just different.

You know what I'm sayin', there ain't nobody better than anybody else.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

But you know what kills me sometimes, man?

Like, y'all heard that homeboy that was in Singapore that got caned?

And how white folks went crazy.

"You're going to cane him!

"That's not right, you're gonna cane him!"

And I'm thinkin' black people, how many of y'all remember

gettin' y'all butt whooped growin' up?

See, black people, we didn't complain about no canin'

because every brother and sister in here has been canned.

If you're black and grew up in America, yo ass has been caned!

But you know, sometimes I think I was abused.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Oh, like I'm the only one! Extension cords, that shit ain't legal!

Them Hot Wheel racer tracks, that shit ain't legal!

Them switches from the tree, that shit ain't legal!

Them old-ass house slippers, that shit ain't legal!

You've been had! You've been took!

Bamboozled!

We didn't land no ass whoopins, ass whoopins landed on us!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You know what I'm talkin' about. And I have to say, man,

you know, like I said, no one is better than anybody else,

but certain things happen to white folks

that just don't happen to black folks.

Like white people get kidnapped.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Black people, we don't get kidnapped

because you might not get what you askin' for.

But you always see this in the movies.

The kidnapper's callin' the white lady up.

Goes like this.

[MAKING RINGING NOISE] "Hello?"

"Yeah, we got Billy."

"If we don't get one million dollars by 5:00,

"you'll never see Billy again!"

"Who is this, you bastards?"

"Lady, we want one million dollars by 5:00

"or you'll never see Billy again." [CLICKS]

Black people. Just a little bit different.

[RINGING]

[RINGING]

[RINGING]

"Won't this bitch pick up the phone, shit!"

[RINGING] "Hello? Shaniqua, get off the damn table,

"you see I'm on the phone! I'mma whoop yo ass when I get off this phone!

"I don't know who the fuck you talkin' about, I'mma whoop yo ass!

"Hello?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Yeah, we got Leroy."

"Leroy ain't here, baby." "Bitch, I know, we got Leroy!"

[SIGHS]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Fucka.

"And if I don't get $79.80,

"you never see Leroy again!"

Yo, my name is Ruben Paul, I'm out!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

JOE TORRY: Ruben Paul, y'all!

All right, ladies and gentlemen. Comin' all the way

from Memphis, Tennessee,

please welcome Tony Tone!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Yo, wassup, New York!

How about a hand for your host, Joe Torry, y'all?

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Not only am I a comedian that tells jokes, I also do impressions.

How about I start off with Joe Torry?

Matter of fact, I'm gonna be Kid Capri bringin' him in. Check it out.

"Yo, give it up for my main man, Joe Torry!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Yo, wassup in this motherfucker?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Sup, you motherfuckers ready to laugh, you say, "Hell yeah!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Are you ready for your next comedian?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Lil' stout joker, man.

Man, I love it here, man! Shit. They flew me up here.

I was happy, man. They flew me up here. Usually drive everywhere I go.

I don't mind drivin' though. Got a new car. [CHUCKLES]

Got a Honda. Like drivin' my car everywhere.

But I noticed now, that most cars now,

the engines are starting to sound like the name of the car.

Did you know that? Like I wouldn't bet a Honda comin' down the street.

Honnnnnn-da...

Niiiiiiiii-ssan...

Mazda, Maaaaaaaz-da...

Toyota got that stick shift motion, don't it?

To... [CLICKS] Yo... Ta...

How about a Pinto, Pinto's got a sound too, right?

[REVVING] Pi-ii-ii-ii-in-to.

[THUMPING]

[REVVING] Pi-ii-ii-ii-in-to.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]Damn!

Oh, for those of you who don't have a car...

Shooooooo-es...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I love sex though, man. I love sex, man.

I know everybody else do too, man.

I like to see some people we all know have sex, you know what I'm sayin'?

Y'all remember Rock's father?

Rock's father, y'all, he got himself on one show, y'all.

He was messed up about it because she died in bed.

They were like, "What's wrong, Pop?"

"Oh, my God, Rock.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Uh, Eleanor, you know that nurse you set me up with the other day?"

"Well, she died in bed on me because I was wearin' that ass out."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I wanna see Popeye have sex, How about some cartoon characters, Popeye?

But see, Popeye, he didn't have sex. Olive Oyl was too skinny.

You see, Popeye, he masturbated

because look at them damn forearms, man!

Popeye just walkin' around "Yo-da-te-da- toe-da-te-da- toe,

"skida-be-to-da-ti."

"Wa-ba-ba-ba-bap-boss!"

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

I wanna see... I wanna see... How about, how about Beavis and Butthead,man?

They meet two women, man, they get busy right away, man.

The just workin' it, they say "Uh-hu-hu-huh."

[MOANING]

"Uh, hey Beavis, this is cool!"

[MOANING]

"Yeah, yeah, fire, fire, fire, fire!"

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

[MOANING]

How about... How about Homer and Marge Simpson, man.

You know they got kids so you know they have sex. Am I right?

So you see Marge bent all over, big-ass hairdo flipped over, she's goin'...

[IMITATING MARGE] "Mmm-mmm.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[AS MARGE SIMPSON] "Oh, my, Homer, this feels so good!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Faster, faster!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[AS HOMER SIMPSON] "Eh, he-he-he-he.

"Hey, Marge, hey don't move now... Uh... D'oh!"

Peace y'all, I'm Tony Tone!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Tony Tone, yo!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

In the house.[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Shit! Back for a second time.

Please welcome, the very sexy, the very bodacious, Sommore!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Oh, how y'all doin'?

Black people in the house, if you need some more money in your life,

lemme hear ya make some noise!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Oh, lemme tell y'all somethin'.

Y'all don't know money like I know money.

You ever realize when you got a whole pocket full of money,

you could go all day without eatin'?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

But soon as you get down to that last dollar,

yo ass starts to get a lil' hungry, don't you?

You start thinkin' about shit you coulda ate

two and three days ago and shit.

Ah, and black people, lemme tell y'all somethin',

when we get money, we will buy all kinda shit.

We'll go out, we'll buy cars houses, jewelry.

Two things that black people very rarely buy.

The first thing is luggage.

Aw, black people, we look fucked-up at the airport.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Aw, we show up with this one favorite kinda luggage.

Y'all know what I'm talkin' about.

The big heavy plastic cart with the duct tape around it

and so many motherfuckin' scratches, look like Harriet Tubman

carried that motherfucker through the underground railroad with her.

Y'all know what I'm God damn talkin' about.

The next thing that black people very rarely buy,

and that's God damn picture frames.

Oh, you could go to black people house, they'll have a picture up on the wall

with a thumbtack in the middle of the forehead.

The edges just curled up like this 'n shit!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Aw, y'all don't know money like I know money.

That's why I'm a God damn gold digger.

I still got dirt under my fingernails,

I keep a shovel in my shoe and I'm still lookin' for a man

with some God damn money!

Aw, and the next best thing to a man with big money is a man with a big dick.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Aw, 'cause see, y'all don't know dick like I know dick.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You see what I'm sayin,' right?

And you know what, I never really understood

how important dick was to this world

until Lorena Bobbitt messed around and cut that man's dick off.

The whole world went crazy.

Lemme just drop some knowledge on y'all for a minute.

Did you know that over in Africa, at the age of 11,

they circumcise lil' girls?

I said this is a whole country, they've been doin' like this.

Now, in the United States, we mess around and cut off just one dick,

and the whole world goes crazy.

So from now on, I say for a senseless crime, like car jackin' 'n shit,

from now on I say, if you jack a car,

you should get your dick cut off!

But now, see, if you jack a dick, you should get a car!

We all be drivin' around this motherfucker! Hey!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Boom, you know what I'm sayin'?

But now see, wait a minute.

It depends on what size of the dick on what kinda car you get.

I'm serious. Now see that, that's a Lexus.

Oh, I know a Lexus when I see a Lexus.

Oh, but ain't nothin' wrong with a Hyundai every now and then.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Gotta do what you gotta do!

But lemme tell y'all something before I go. This is a true story.

This happened to me. I had the pleasure of stayin' in the same hotel

as one of the... With one of the finest men in America.

Y'all, I had the pleasure of stayin' in a hotel with Denzel Washington.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Oh, but we had one problem.

He was with his wife.

But you know, that didn't stop a business woman like myself.

Oh, I had to play lil' games on him.

I waited one time, till they were layin' out on the beach.

So I walked out on the beach and I stood up on this lil' bridge.

I hollered out, I said "Hey!

"Girl, you just can't keep suckin' his dick out here on the beach like that!"

She was like, "What is she talkin' about? What is she talkin' about?"

I was like, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, my fault."

Waited till the next day,

went out there again. They layin' out on the beach.

I walked out there, went up on top of the bridge again.

I said, "Hey! You just can't keep suckin' his dick out here on the beach like that!"

She was like, "What is she talkin' about?"

I was like, "My fault, my fault. I'm sorry."

The last and final day, I went out on the beach again

they layin' out on the beach. She stopped me before I could walk past,

she said "Hey, I recognize you."

She said, "You're that comedian, your name is Sommore.

"Why is it that you keep goin' up on top of that bridge

"sayin' that I'm suckin' his dick?"

I said, "Lemme tell you somethin'.

"From up on top of that bridge, it looks like you were suckin' his dick."

She said, "For real?" I said, "Go on up there."

She went up there.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

She went up on top of the bridge.

Let me tell y'all somethin'.

She went on top of that bridge, she said, "Sommore, you're right, girl,

"from up here it does look like you're suckin' his dick!"

I said, "I told you, I was gonna tell you!"

Yo, my name is Sommore, y'all have been wonderful!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Sommore y'all!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

My man, he'd like, you know, you know...

You know he gonna say. He ain't gonna say nothin'different,

but before you say that man...

I'd like to dedicate this show for two black people we lost last year.

Cab Calloway and Wilma Rudolph, y'all.

Give it up for my man! Keepin' me paid. Russell Simmons!

Thank y'all for comin' out. God bless you, good night.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

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