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[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
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00:00:09,444 --> 00:00:13,714
KID CAPRI:
It's the Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.
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00:00:13,752 --> 00:00:15,752
[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]
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00:00:37,167 --> 00:00:40,737
Ladies and gentlemen,
put your hands together for my man here.
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Mr. Joe Torry!
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[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
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[MUSIC PLAYING]
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I was getting wound up, man.
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00:00:59,015 --> 00:01:01,965
I'm gonna get that shit one
of these fuckin' day.
10
00:01:02,018 --> 00:01:06,238
Somebody gonna teach me
the God damn butterfly.
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00:01:06,283 --> 00:01:09,723
Wassup man?
Dogs in the house, wassup, what's going on, girl?
12
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Cue dogs in the house.
[BARKING]
13
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Aight, aight, aight.
14
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Enough... People that ain't
been to college, that's a black fraternity.
15
00:01:20,428 --> 00:01:22,388
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
16
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Know what I'm sayin'.
I don't think we goin' crazy 'n shit.
17
00:01:24,606 --> 00:01:26,476
Before I start
the show, though.
18
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Baddest DJ in the land.
My partner,
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God damn comedy
clown, all type of shit.
20
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Kid Capri, y'all!
21
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[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
22
00:01:36,008 --> 00:01:37,918
That motherfucker
hear that shit.
23
00:01:37,967 --> 00:01:40,747
And if you came out to
laugh man, say, "Hell yeah!"
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AUDIENCE: Hell yeah!
25
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How y'all doin'?
It's crowded like a motherfucker up there.
26
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Y'all just get in where you
fuckin' fit in, huh?
27
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How you doin', Rhea Perlman,
how you doin'?
28
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Is in the house tonight,
ladies and gentlemen.
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[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]JOE: From Cheers.
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I see you sittin' over
there. Damn!
31
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Chillin' with the Def Jam.
32
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God damn.
Motherfuckers at Cheers is like, "What the fuck?"
33
00:02:03,297 --> 00:02:04,647
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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God damn, how you doin'?
35
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Thanks for comin' to the show.
36
00:02:08,476 --> 00:02:10,516
Now that's... That's like
some legendary shit going on right there.
37
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See that shit happenin'.
38
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See when shit happenin'
fuckin' nine five?
39
00:02:13,655 --> 00:02:15,735
I can't believe that shit
in five more years,
40
00:02:15,787 --> 00:02:18,567
it's gonna be
the year, like, 2000.
41
00:02:18,616 --> 00:02:21,176
Y'all ain't caught up
with that shit. Year 2000.
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It's like a whole
'nother century.
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I'm like, damn.
I mean, because even though it's new,
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you gonna sound old as
a motherfucker if you're born in the year 2000.
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I mean, because shit back now,
like don't even matter.
46
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Like how you gonna
brag on your car?
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Like, "I'm drivin' a '99."
Nigga, that old ass shit!
48
00:02:36,330 --> 00:02:37,810
Like, I got a one!
49
00:02:37,853 --> 00:02:40,073
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
50
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Know what I'm sayin'?
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You gonna see kids walkin'
around with a "Class of Three" on their jacket.
52
00:02:45,252 --> 00:02:48,652
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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00:02:48,690 --> 00:02:52,220
2003, that sounds old
as a motherfucker, but they young!
54
00:02:52,259 --> 00:02:55,259
I'm sayin', you know
we gonna old like 2050.
55
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I'm sayin' everybody
here gonna be old.
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We gonna be tellin' old ass
stories 'n shit.
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"Now I remember, heck, 2005,
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00:03:03,139 --> 00:03:06,229
"I remember correctly
because the O.J. trial was still going on."
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00:03:06,273 --> 00:03:08,283
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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00:03:09,711 --> 00:03:11,971
"Uh-huh. Michael Jordan...
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"Michael Jordan
had just won the World Series.
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"And Farrakhan
become president."
63
00:03:17,284 --> 00:03:19,764
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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All right,
ladies and gentlemen.
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We gonna do this shit right.
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So! Without further ado,
are y'all ready for the next comedian?
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AUDIENCE: Damn! Is he funny?
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A'ight. check this out y'all,
check this out y'all,
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00:03:34,649 --> 00:03:36,649
check this out,
you know what I'm saying.
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Because this next guy
coming to the stage happens to be my little brotha.
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You've seen his ass before,
know what I'm sayin'.
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From St. Louis and shit,
and I'm glad he workin',
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got him back
on the show because I kicked him outta the house
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because he ain't nothin'
but a moochin' little bastard, so fuck him!
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00:03:46,922 --> 00:03:49,052
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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So give a warm round of
applause, from St. Louis, my little brother
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the world famous Guy T!
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[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING][MUSIC PLAYING]
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[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]
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That's fucked up, Joe!
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We brothas, man.
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Need no brown
lookin' ass nigga.
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How you gonna
talk about me man?
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We brothas! CMB!
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You all I got!
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You all I got!
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Am I my brotha's keeper?
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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That's fucked up, man.
How you gonna jaw on me, man?
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He wanna snap on a brotha.
You wanna tell some family secrets, huh?
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00:04:35,187 --> 00:04:38,667
Well, I got some snaps
for your ass, black motherfucker!
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00:04:38,713 --> 00:04:41,723
Joe's so black,
every time I look at him, I think I'm asleep!
93
00:04:41,759 --> 00:04:43,459
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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I got some family secrets.
Y'all wanna know some family secrets about Joe?
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AUDIENCE: Yeah!
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Tell them about the time
you used to pee in the bed until you was 18, brotha'!
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Went from diapers
to Depends.
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Mr. Poetic Justice.
99
00:05:02,389 --> 00:05:04,219
Mr. Couldn't Get It Up.
100
00:05:04,260 --> 00:05:07,520
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
101
00:05:07,568 --> 00:05:11,178
He go fuck like a microwave,
get all heated up and go "ding" in 30 seconds.
102
00:05:11,223 --> 00:05:13,103
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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Is this what you're
looking for, Chicago?
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[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]
105
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A'ight!
106
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[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]
107
00:05:26,369 --> 00:05:27,329
Tupac!
108
00:05:30,547 --> 00:05:32,067
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
109
00:05:33,463 --> 00:05:35,423
Let Tupac whoop that ass.
110
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You probably the one
that shot him!
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00:05:37,728 --> 00:05:40,298
Now he got a new album
coming out called Slug Life.
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Keep your nuts up.
113
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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That's fucked up, man!
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I came a long way in
entertainment though, y'all.
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I'm doin' this comedy thing.
I know when I first started out, though.
117
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This shit was fucked-up.
You got promoters who call up and lie to you.
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"Guy T.
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"I'm gonna fly you
in and do a show. Take care of you, man!
120
00:06:05,582 --> 00:06:09,242
"Fly you in American.
First class."
121
00:06:09,281 --> 00:06:12,071
I got to the plane,
it had Afro-American on that motherfucker.
122
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Section eight.[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
123
00:06:14,330 --> 00:06:17,030
Duct tape wrapped all
around the damn wings.
124
00:06:17,072 --> 00:06:19,862
I go to take my seat,
they got boarded up windows with a crack in it.
125
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I'm lookin' through the window
and I see the pilot runnin' for the damn plane.
126
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I look behind him,
he got the police chasin' his monkey-ass!
127
00:06:26,951 --> 00:06:28,391
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
128
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Then we didn't get to leave
for another two hours
129
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because the plane had a boot
on that motherfucker!
130
00:06:32,217 --> 00:06:33,777
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
131
00:06:33,828 --> 00:06:36,398
What's this boot stuff
that they put on your cars?
132
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You don't pay your ticket,
they put a big metal boot on your car.
133
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One brotha had five of 'em.
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One on each wheel and one
on the damn spare.
135
00:06:42,489 --> 00:06:44,709
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
136
00:06:44,752 --> 00:06:47,452
Then in some states, they got
these stupid electronic signs on the freeway
137
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that tell you shit you
already know. Say "Freeway condition."
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During rush hour,
what they say? "Slow traffic."
139
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Fuck, I know that, I'm in it!
140
00:06:56,154 --> 00:07:00,164
Don't you warn a brotha,
say "Highway patrol ahead, slow your ass down'."
141
00:07:00,202 --> 00:07:02,122
"Car-jacking, exit now."
142
00:07:02,160 --> 00:07:03,510
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
143
00:07:06,426 --> 00:07:08,726
And in L.A. and Japan,
they shoulda had them on the freeway
144
00:07:08,776 --> 00:07:10,166
talkin' about how
the freeway gone.
145
00:07:12,867 --> 00:07:14,347
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
146
00:07:16,740 --> 00:07:19,740
I think the freeway
should be segregated, though, by race.
147
00:07:19,787 --> 00:07:21,787
We can't drive together.
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00:07:21,832 --> 00:07:24,752
Asian people would destroy
some damn traffic.
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Why? Because they can't read.
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Big ass sign say
"wrong way."
151
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"Wrong way."
152
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They must think it say
"Wong way."
153
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They don't see the R
in that motherfucker.
154
00:07:37,587 --> 00:07:40,847
Then white folks.
I see's ya.
155
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Y'all destroy some traffic.
Why? Because you too God damn nosy!
156
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You always lookin',
lookin', lookin'!
157
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
158
00:07:52,646 --> 00:07:54,426
The fuck you lookin' at?
159
00:07:54,474 --> 00:07:57,224
Drive your damn cars!
160
00:07:57,259 --> 00:07:59,699
Every time somebody
get a ticket or accident, they got the rubber neck.
161
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They got to slow down
and look.
162
00:08:01,176 --> 00:08:02,476
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
163
00:08:02,525 --> 00:08:04,175
Slow down and look.
164
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Like you can do something
about traffic.
165
00:08:06,268 --> 00:08:07,838
If you ain't slowin' down
lookin' what you doin',
166
00:08:07,878 --> 00:08:10,008
diggin' in your nose
and ass at the same time!
167
00:08:10,054 --> 00:08:12,064
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
168
00:08:17,801 --> 00:08:19,721
Black folks,
why we laughin'?
169
00:08:19,760 --> 00:08:22,760
We mess up traffic, too.
We get the most speedin' tickets.
170
00:08:22,806 --> 00:08:25,506
Why? Because we never
on time for shit.
171
00:08:25,548 --> 00:08:27,548
What time was the show
supposed to start?
172
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We always late. We could live
right next door to where we work,
173
00:08:32,729 --> 00:08:34,949
we'd be late
every damn mornin'!
174
00:08:34,992 --> 00:08:38,432
Clock in time, 8:00,
you get there 8:15, you ready for a coffee break.
175
00:08:38,474 --> 00:08:39,954
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
176
00:08:39,997 --> 00:08:42,567
"Ooh, I is tired."
You ain't did a damn thing!
177
00:08:42,609 --> 00:08:44,389
You gotta trick us into
being on time.
178
00:08:44,436 --> 00:08:47,396
If it start at 9:30,
tell us to be there at 6:00.
179
00:08:47,439 --> 00:08:49,789
We'd be late
to our own funeral.
180
00:08:49,833 --> 00:08:51,843
Go to a black funeral,
and what happen, open casket, nigga comin' down the aisle.
181
00:08:51,879 --> 00:08:53,919
"Hold up, motherfucker."[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
182
00:08:55,273 --> 00:08:56,453
Make up!
183
00:08:56,492 --> 00:08:58,282
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
184
00:09:11,289 --> 00:09:13,599
And what kills me
most of all, and I like New York
185
00:09:13,640 --> 00:09:16,030
because y'all don't have
that pedestrian law.
186
00:09:16,077 --> 00:09:17,767
In L.A., they got this
pedestrian law,
187
00:09:17,818 --> 00:09:19,988
the pedestrian has the
right-of-way when crossing the street.
188
00:09:20,037 --> 00:09:23,077
The right-of-way.
That means you can be doin' 80 miles an hour.
189
00:09:23,127 --> 00:09:24,557
Somebody decided
they wanna walk
190
00:09:24,607 --> 00:09:26,437
they happy-go-lucky ass
across the street.
191
00:09:26,478 --> 00:09:27,958
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
192
00:09:28,002 --> 00:09:30,092
You've got to slow down
and stop, oh, hell no!
193
00:09:30,134 --> 00:09:32,534
I'm knockin' dust off
somebody ass.
194
00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:34,792
I hit a man two weeks ago!
195
00:09:34,835 --> 00:09:37,445
Police done stop me, sayin'
"Uh, can I see your license and registration?"
196
00:09:37,489 --> 00:09:41,099
I'm like "Why?"
"Well, you just hit a man two miles back."
197
00:09:41,145 --> 00:09:43,185
"Didn't you know
he had the right-of-way?"
198
00:09:43,234 --> 00:09:46,634
I'm like, "Yeah,
I didn't hesitate, I hit his ass right away, pow!"
199
00:09:46,673 --> 00:09:49,633
Peace, y'all. Guy T.
St. Louis!
200
00:09:49,676 --> 00:09:50,936
Let's hit the ground.
201
00:09:50,981 --> 00:09:52,981
[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]
202
00:10:02,689 --> 00:10:04,169
World-famous Guy T, y'all.
203
00:10:05,387 --> 00:10:06,777
World-famous Guy T.
204
00:10:06,823 --> 00:10:09,743
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
205
00:10:09,783 --> 00:10:12,613
Guy T will no longer be
on the Def Comedy Jamshow.
206
00:10:12,655 --> 00:10:14,135
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
207
00:10:14,178 --> 00:10:15,828
Talkin' about the host.
208
00:10:15,876 --> 00:10:17,226
Wassup man?
209
00:10:17,268 --> 00:10:18,528
Karl Kani in the house,
ladies and gentlemen,
210
00:10:18,574 --> 00:10:20,144
give him a round
of applause.
211
00:10:20,184 --> 00:10:21,364
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
212
00:10:21,403 --> 00:10:22,843
Got the brothas with him.
213
00:10:24,232 --> 00:10:25,972
Wassup, man?
214
00:10:26,016 --> 00:10:27,926
I'm supposed to come by
and get some shit, man.
215
00:10:27,975 --> 00:10:30,145
You a hard man to catch
up with, man.
216
00:10:30,194 --> 00:10:32,464
I'm gonna get some shit.
Wassup Juwan, how you doin', man?
217
00:10:32,501 --> 00:10:34,811
Juwan Howard! From the
Washington Bullets.
218
00:10:34,851 --> 00:10:36,901
[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]
219
00:10:38,899 --> 00:10:42,159
Rollin' and shit.
We rollin' this shit.
220
00:10:42,206 --> 00:10:44,686
A'ight y'all, a'ight,
a'ight, a'ight.
221
00:10:44,731 --> 00:10:46,251
Ah, shit.
222
00:10:46,297 --> 00:10:51,867
All right, are y'all ready
for the next comedian?
223
00:10:51,912 --> 00:10:55,522
AUDIENCE: Damn! Is he funny?
224
00:10:55,567 --> 00:10:59,047
Hell yeah. From Los Angeles,
makin' his first appearance.
225
00:10:59,093 --> 00:11:00,703
Give it up for Ruben Paul!
226
00:11:00,747 --> 00:11:03,877
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING][MUSIC PLAYING]
227
00:11:17,894 --> 00:11:20,034
Wassup?
228
00:11:20,070 --> 00:11:22,550
New York, make some noise!
229
00:11:22,594 --> 00:11:24,424
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
230
00:11:24,466 --> 00:11:26,896
Y'all can do better
than that, I said make some noise!
231
00:11:26,947 --> 00:11:29,597
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
232
00:11:29,645 --> 00:11:31,645
Black people,
make some noise one more time for me,
233
00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:34,131
we need to do.[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
234
00:11:35,999 --> 00:11:38,389
White folks,
make some noise!
235
00:11:38,436 --> 00:11:39,736
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
236
00:11:39,786 --> 00:11:41,396
You guys are
fuckin' in here. Look at 'em,
237
00:11:41,439 --> 00:11:44,049
"I'm fuckin' in here,
black guy. Yeah!"
238
00:11:44,094 --> 00:11:46,754
"Ah-ha, yeah, whoo!"
239
00:11:46,793 --> 00:11:48,713
Yeah![AUDIENCE CHEERING]
240
00:11:48,751 --> 00:11:50,411
White people be everywhere.
241
00:11:50,448 --> 00:11:52,408
They know they
motherfuckin' rules, too.
242
00:11:52,450 --> 00:11:55,670
"Uh, excuse me, sir,
this uh... Is this Def Comedy Jam?"
243
00:11:55,715 --> 00:11:57,885
Yeah, you know
it's a black show. "I don't give a fuck!
244
00:11:57,934 --> 00:12:01,074
"This is the United States
of America, I know my rights, man.
245
00:12:01,111 --> 00:12:05,121
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]"Come on! Come on!"
246
00:12:05,159 --> 00:12:08,769
White folks be everywhere.
You could be in the jungles of Africa.
247
00:12:08,815 --> 00:12:12,855
"Hey, white people,
what the fuck are you doing here?"
248
00:12:12,906 --> 00:12:13,906
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
249
00:12:16,300 --> 00:12:18,780
You know, I ain't tryin'
to get on white people because you know,
250
00:12:18,825 --> 00:12:21,695
I wanna say, no one
is better than anybody else, we just different.
251
00:12:21,741 --> 00:12:24,181
You know what I'm sayin',
there ain't nobody better than anybody else.
252
00:12:24,221 --> 00:12:25,571
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
253
00:12:26,833 --> 00:12:28,923
But you know what kills me
sometimes, man?
254
00:12:28,965 --> 00:12:33,795
Like, y'all heard that
homeboy that was in Singapore that got caned?
255
00:12:33,840 --> 00:12:35,620
And how white folks
went crazy.
256
00:12:35,667 --> 00:12:37,537
"You're going to cane him!
257
00:12:37,582 --> 00:12:40,802
"That's not right,
you're gonna cane him!"
258
00:12:40,847 --> 00:12:42,497
And I'm thinkin' black
people, how many of y'all remember
259
00:12:42,544 --> 00:12:45,114
gettin' y'all butt whooped
growin' up?
260
00:12:45,155 --> 00:12:47,455
See, black people,
we didn't complain about no canin'
261
00:12:47,505 --> 00:12:51,285
because every brother
and sister in here has been canned.
262
00:12:51,335 --> 00:12:55,425
If you're black
and grew up in America, yo ass has been caned!
263
00:12:55,470 --> 00:12:59,690
But you know, sometimes
I think I was abused.
264
00:12:59,735 --> 00:13:01,515
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
265
00:13:01,563 --> 00:13:04,653
Oh, like I'm the only one!
Extension cords, that shit ain't legal!
266
00:13:04,696 --> 00:13:06,996
Them Hot Wheel racer tracks,
that shit ain't legal!
267
00:13:07,047 --> 00:13:09,307
Them switches from the tree,
that shit ain't legal!
268
00:13:09,353 --> 00:13:12,053
Them old-ass house slippers,
that shit ain't legal!
269
00:13:12,095 --> 00:13:14,615
You've been had!
You've been took!
270
00:13:14,663 --> 00:13:16,583
Bamboozled!
271
00:13:16,621 --> 00:13:19,841
We didn't land no ass
whoopins, ass whoopins landed on us!
272
00:13:19,886 --> 00:13:22,666
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
273
00:13:22,714 --> 00:13:25,464
You know
what I'm talkin' about. And I have to say, man,
274
00:13:25,500 --> 00:13:27,330
you know, like I said,
no one is better than anybody else,
275
00:13:27,371 --> 00:13:30,901
but certain things happen
to white folks
276
00:13:30,940 --> 00:13:33,420
that just don't
happen to black folks.
277
00:13:33,464 --> 00:13:37,694
Like white people
get kidnapped.
278
00:13:37,729 --> 00:13:39,599
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
279
00:13:46,826 --> 00:13:48,126
Black people,
we don't get kidnapped
280
00:13:48,175 --> 00:13:50,605
because you might not get
what you askin' for.
281
00:13:50,655 --> 00:13:52,045
But you always see this
in the movies.
282
00:13:52,092 --> 00:13:53,402
The kidnapper's callin'
the white lady up.
283
00:13:53,441 --> 00:13:55,101
Goes like this.
284
00:13:55,138 --> 00:13:58,448
[MAKING RINGING NOISE]
"Hello?"
285
00:14:00,143 --> 00:14:02,323
"Yeah, we got Billy."
286
00:14:02,363 --> 00:14:06,113
"If we don't get one million
dollars by 5:00,
287
00:14:06,149 --> 00:14:07,889
"you'll never see
Billy again!"
288
00:14:07,934 --> 00:14:12,114
"Who is this, you bastards?"
289
00:14:12,155 --> 00:14:14,195
"Lady, we want
one million dollars by 5:00
290
00:14:14,244 --> 00:14:17,204
"or you'll never see
Billy again." [CLICKS]
291
00:14:17,247 --> 00:14:20,207
Black people.
Just a little bit different.
292
00:14:22,122 --> 00:14:24,912
[RINGING]
293
00:14:26,778 --> 00:14:29,738
[RINGING]
294
00:14:31,087 --> 00:14:33,387
[RINGING]
295
00:14:33,437 --> 00:14:35,397
"Won't this bitch pick up
the phone, shit!"
296
00:14:35,439 --> 00:14:38,569
[RINGING] "Hello? Shaniqua,
get off the damn table,
297
00:14:38,616 --> 00:14:41,576
"you see I'm on the phone!
I'mma whoop yo ass when I get off this phone!
298
00:14:41,619 --> 00:14:44,059
"I don't know who the fuck
you talkin' about, I'mma whoop yo ass!
299
00:14:44,927 --> 00:14:46,147
"Hello?"
300
00:14:46,189 --> 00:14:47,929
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
301
00:14:47,974 --> 00:14:50,934
"Yeah, we got Leroy."
302
00:14:50,977 --> 00:14:54,277
"Leroy ain't here, baby."
"Bitch, I know, we got Leroy!"
303
00:14:55,111 --> 00:14:56,111
[SIGHS]
304
00:14:57,461 --> 00:14:59,201
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
305
00:15:05,165 --> 00:15:06,465
Fucka.
306
00:15:06,514 --> 00:15:12,044
"And if I don't get $79.80,
307
00:15:12,085 --> 00:15:13,955
"you never see Leroy again!"
308
00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:16,610
Yo, my name
is Ruben Paul, I'm out!
309
00:15:16,654 --> 00:15:18,664
[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]
310
00:15:25,925 --> 00:15:28,795
JOE TORRY:
Ruben Paul, y'all!
311
00:15:28,840 --> 00:15:30,760
All right, ladies
and gentlemen. Comin' all the way
312
00:15:30,799 --> 00:15:32,279
from Memphis, Tennessee,
313
00:15:32,322 --> 00:15:34,932
please welcome Tony Tone!
314
00:15:34,977 --> 00:15:36,977
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
315
00:15:37,023 --> 00:15:38,593
[MUSIC PLAYING]
316
00:15:44,682 --> 00:15:46,162
Yo, wassup, New York!
317
00:15:47,859 --> 00:15:51,039
How about a hand for
your host, Joe Torry, y'all?
318
00:15:51,080 --> 00:15:53,820
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
319
00:15:53,865 --> 00:15:56,995
Not only am I a comedian
that tells jokes, I also do impressions.
320
00:15:57,043 --> 00:16:00,263
How about I start off
with Joe Torry?
321
00:16:00,307 --> 00:16:02,527
Matter of fact, I'm gonna be
Kid Capri bringin' him in. Check it out.
322
00:16:02,570 --> 00:16:06,360
"Yo, give it up for my
main man, Joe Torry!"
323
00:16:07,923 --> 00:16:10,013
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
324
00:16:10,056 --> 00:16:11,666
"Yo, wassup in this
motherfucker?"
325
00:16:11,709 --> 00:16:13,189
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
326
00:16:15,061 --> 00:16:17,671
Sup, you motherfuckers
ready to laugh, you say, "Hell yeah!"
327
00:16:17,715 --> 00:16:19,015
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
328
00:16:19,065 --> 00:16:22,155
"Are you ready
for your next comedian?"
329
00:16:22,198 --> 00:16:23,808
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
330
00:16:25,027 --> 00:16:26,857
Lil' stout joker, man.
331
00:16:26,898 --> 00:16:30,118
Man, I love it here, man!
Shit. They flew me up here.
332
00:16:30,163 --> 00:16:32,823
I was happy, man.
They flew me up here. Usually drive everywhere I go.
333
00:16:32,861 --> 00:16:35,171
I don't mind drivin' though.
Got a new car. [CHUCKLES]
334
00:16:35,211 --> 00:16:37,611
Got a Honda.
Like drivin' my car everywhere.
335
00:16:37,648 --> 00:16:39,778
But I noticed now,
that most cars now,
336
00:16:39,824 --> 00:16:42,094
the engines are starting
to sound like the name of the car.
337
00:16:42,131 --> 00:16:44,441
Did you know that?
Like I wouldn't bet a Honda comin' down the street.
338
00:16:44,481 --> 00:16:46,741
Honnnnnn-da...
339
00:16:47,789 --> 00:16:50,359
Niiiiiiiii-ssan...
340
00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:53,190
Mazda, Maaaaaaaz-da...
341
00:16:53,229 --> 00:16:54,969
Toyota got that stick shift
motion, don't it?
342
00:16:55,014 --> 00:16:59,804
To... [CLICKS]
Yo... Ta...
343
00:16:59,844 --> 00:17:02,204
How about a Pinto,
Pinto's got a sound too, right?
344
00:17:02,238 --> 00:17:04,588
[REVVING]
Pi-ii-ii-ii-in-to.
345
00:17:05,198 --> 00:17:06,238
[THUMPING]
346
00:17:06,286 --> 00:17:09,066
[REVVING]
Pi-ii-ii-ii-in-to.
347
00:17:09,115 --> 00:17:11,415
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]Damn!
348
00:17:11,465 --> 00:17:13,895
Oh, for those of you who
don't have a car...
349
00:17:13,945 --> 00:17:15,295
Shooooooo-es...
350
00:17:15,338 --> 00:17:17,038
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
351
00:17:21,344 --> 00:17:23,224
I love sex though, man.
I love sex, man.
352
00:17:23,259 --> 00:17:25,259
I know everybody else
do too, man.
353
00:17:25,305 --> 00:17:27,085
I like to see some people
we all know have sex, you know what I'm sayin'?
354
00:17:27,133 --> 00:17:29,053
Y'all remember
Rock's father?
355
00:17:29,091 --> 00:17:30,481
Rock's father,
y'all, he got himself on one show, y'all.
356
00:17:30,527 --> 00:17:32,617
He was messed up about it
because she died in bed.
357
00:17:32,660 --> 00:17:33,920
They were like,
"What's wrong, Pop?"
358
00:17:33,965 --> 00:17:35,705
"Oh, my God, Rock.
359
00:17:35,750 --> 00:17:37,880
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
360
00:17:37,926 --> 00:17:41,756
"Uh, Eleanor, you know that
nurse you set me up with the other day?"
361
00:17:41,799 --> 00:17:45,109
"Well, she died in bed
on me because I was wearin' that ass out."
362
00:17:45,151 --> 00:17:47,281
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
363
00:17:47,327 --> 00:17:49,937
I wanna see Popeye have sex,
How about some cartoon characters, Popeye?
364
00:17:49,981 --> 00:17:52,161
But see, Popeye,
he didn't have sex. Olive Oyl was too skinny.
365
00:17:52,201 --> 00:17:53,591
You see, Popeye,
he masturbated
366
00:17:53,637 --> 00:17:55,807
because look at them
damn forearms, man!
367
00:17:55,857 --> 00:17:59,817
Popeye just walkin' around
"Yo-da-te-da- toe-da-te-da- toe,
368
00:17:59,861 --> 00:18:03,391
"skida-be-to-da-ti."
369
00:18:03,430 --> 00:18:05,740
"Wa-ba-ba-ba-bap-boss!"
370
00:18:05,780 --> 00:18:07,830
[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]
371
00:18:10,524 --> 00:18:13,444
I wanna see... I wanna see...
How about, how about Beavis and Butthead,man?
372
00:18:13,483 --> 00:18:15,623
They meet two women,
man, they get busy right away, man.
373
00:18:15,659 --> 00:18:18,449
The just workin' it,
they say "Uh-hu-hu-huh."
374
00:18:19,315 --> 00:18:21,005
[MOANING]
375
00:18:25,321 --> 00:18:28,151
"Uh, hey Beavis,
this is cool!"
376
00:18:28,194 --> 00:18:29,464
[MOANING]
377
00:18:29,499 --> 00:18:32,419
"Yeah, yeah, fire, fire,
fire, fire!"
378
00:18:32,459 --> 00:18:33,759
[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]
379
00:18:33,808 --> 00:18:35,028
[MOANING]
380
00:18:38,508 --> 00:18:40,468
How about...
How about Homer and Marge Simpson, man.
381
00:18:40,510 --> 00:18:42,950
You know they got kids
so you know they have sex. Am I right?
382
00:18:42,991 --> 00:18:46,821
So you see Marge bent
all over, big-ass hairdo flipped over, she's goin'...
383
00:18:46,864 --> 00:18:48,304
[IMITATING MARGE]
"Mmm-mmm.
384
00:18:48,344 --> 00:18:49,744
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
385
00:18:52,218 --> 00:18:54,568
[AS MARGE SIMPSON]
"Oh, my, Homer, this feels so good!"
386
00:18:54,611 --> 00:18:56,921
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
387
00:18:56,961 --> 00:18:59,141
"Faster, faster!"
388
00:18:59,181 --> 00:19:00,751
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
389
00:19:00,791 --> 00:19:03,881
[AS HOMER SIMPSON]
"Eh, he-he-he-he.
390
00:19:03,925 --> 00:19:07,485
"Hey, Marge,
hey don't move now... Uh... D'oh!"
391
00:19:07,537 --> 00:19:09,277
Peace y'all,
I'm Tony Tone!
392
00:19:09,322 --> 00:19:11,372
[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]
393
00:19:19,245 --> 00:19:21,195
Tony Tone, yo!
394
00:19:21,247 --> 00:19:22,677
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
395
00:19:22,726 --> 00:19:25,116
In the house.[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
396
00:19:25,164 --> 00:19:28,474
Shit! Back for a second time.
397
00:19:28,515 --> 00:19:32,865
Please welcome,
the very sexy, the very bodacious, Sommore!
398
00:19:32,910 --> 00:19:34,960
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
399
00:19:45,575 --> 00:19:49,615
Oh, how y'all doin'?
400
00:19:49,666 --> 00:19:52,276
Black people in the house,
if you need some more money in your life,
401
00:19:52,321 --> 00:19:53,931
lemme hear ya
make some noise!
402
00:19:53,975 --> 00:19:56,055
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
403
00:19:56,107 --> 00:19:58,457
Oh, lemme
tell y'all somethin'.
404
00:19:58,501 --> 00:20:01,201
Y'all don't know money
like I know money.
405
00:20:01,243 --> 00:20:03,513
You ever realize
when you got a whole pocket full of money,
406
00:20:03,550 --> 00:20:05,770
you could go all day
without eatin'?
407
00:20:05,813 --> 00:20:07,683
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
408
00:20:07,728 --> 00:20:10,248
But soon as you get down
to that last dollar,
409
00:20:10,296 --> 00:20:13,336
yo ass starts to get
a lil' hungry, don't you?
410
00:20:13,386 --> 00:20:15,946
You start thinkin' about shit
you coulda ate
411
00:20:15,997 --> 00:20:18,567
two and three
days ago and shit.
412
00:20:18,608 --> 00:20:20,258
Ah, and black people,
lemme tell y'all somethin',
413
00:20:20,306 --> 00:20:22,826
when we get money,
we will buy all kinda shit.
414
00:20:22,873 --> 00:20:25,443
We'll go out, we'll buy cars
houses, jewelry.
415
00:20:25,485 --> 00:20:28,525
Two things that black people
very rarely buy.
416
00:20:28,575 --> 00:20:31,005
The first thing is luggage.
417
00:20:31,055 --> 00:20:33,835
Aw, black people,
we look fucked-up at the airport.
418
00:20:33,884 --> 00:20:35,504
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
419
00:20:35,538 --> 00:20:37,928
Aw, we show up with this
one favorite kinda luggage.
420
00:20:37,975 --> 00:20:39,625
Y'all know
what I'm talkin' about.
421
00:20:39,673 --> 00:20:42,423
The big heavy plastic cart
with the duct tape around it
422
00:20:42,458 --> 00:20:45,678
and so many
motherfuckin' scratches, look like Harriet Tubman
423
00:20:45,722 --> 00:20:49,512
carried that motherfucker
through the underground railroad with her.
424
00:20:49,552 --> 00:20:52,252
Y'all know what I'm
God damn talkin' about.
425
00:20:52,294 --> 00:20:55,084
The next thing
that black people very rarely buy,
426
00:20:55,123 --> 00:20:57,603
and that's God damn
picture frames.
427
00:20:57,647 --> 00:21:01,697
Oh, you could go to black
people house, they'll have a picture up on the wall
428
00:21:01,738 --> 00:21:03,868
with a thumbtack
in the middle of the forehead.
429
00:21:03,914 --> 00:21:07,054
The edges just curled up
like this 'n shit!
430
00:21:07,091 --> 00:21:10,271
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
431
00:21:10,312 --> 00:21:12,622
Aw, y'all don't know money
like I know money.
432
00:21:12,662 --> 00:21:14,532
That's why I'm a God damn
gold digger.
433
00:21:14,577 --> 00:21:16,487
I still got dirt
under my fingernails,
434
00:21:16,536 --> 00:21:19,226
I keep a shovel in
my shoe and I'm still lookin' for a man
435
00:21:19,278 --> 00:21:21,978
with some God damn money!
436
00:21:22,019 --> 00:21:27,159
Aw, and the next best thing
to a man with big money is a man with a big dick.
437
00:21:27,198 --> 00:21:28,898
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
438
00:21:28,939 --> 00:21:33,469
Aw, 'cause see, y'all don't
know dick like I know dick.
439
00:21:33,509 --> 00:21:35,119
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
440
00:21:35,163 --> 00:21:36,993
You see what
I'm sayin,' right?
441
00:21:37,034 --> 00:21:38,994
And you know what,
I never really understood
442
00:21:39,036 --> 00:21:41,036
how important dick
was to this world
443
00:21:41,082 --> 00:21:44,912
until Lorena Bobbitt
messed around and cut that man's dick off.
444
00:21:44,955 --> 00:21:46,735
The whole world went crazy.
445
00:21:46,783 --> 00:21:49,313
Lemme just drop some
knowledge on y'all for a minute.
446
00:21:49,351 --> 00:21:53,011
Did you know that
over in Africa, at the age of 11,
447
00:21:53,050 --> 00:21:55,490
they circumcise lil' girls?
448
00:21:55,531 --> 00:21:58,531
I said this is
a whole country, they've been doin' like this.
449
00:21:58,578 --> 00:22:02,498
Now, in the United States,
we mess around and cut off just one dick,
450
00:22:02,538 --> 00:22:04,448
and the whole
world goes crazy.
451
00:22:04,497 --> 00:22:09,067
So from now on, I say
for a senseless crime, like car jackin' 'n shit,
452
00:22:09,110 --> 00:22:12,030
from now on I say,
if you jack a car,
453
00:22:12,069 --> 00:22:13,939
you should get
your dick cut off!
454
00:22:13,984 --> 00:22:17,774
But now, see,
if you jack a dick, you should get a car!
455
00:22:17,814 --> 00:22:21,604
We all be drivin' around
this motherfucker! Hey!
456
00:22:21,644 --> 00:22:24,474
[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]
457
00:22:24,517 --> 00:22:29,127
Boom, you know
what I'm sayin'?
458
00:22:30,087 --> 00:22:32,387
But now see,
wait a minute.
459
00:22:32,438 --> 00:22:36,308
It depends on what
size of the dick on what kinda car you get.
460
00:22:36,355 --> 00:22:39,395
I'm serious. Now see that,
that's a Lexus.
461
00:22:39,445 --> 00:22:42,575
Oh, I know a Lexus when
I see a Lexus.
462
00:22:42,622 --> 00:22:46,502
Oh, but ain't nothin' wrong
with a Hyundai every now and then.
463
00:22:46,539 --> 00:22:48,109
[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]
464
00:22:49,629 --> 00:22:51,849
Gotta do what you gotta do!
465
00:22:51,892 --> 00:22:54,552
But lemme tell y'all
something before I go. This is a true story.
466
00:22:54,590 --> 00:22:58,330
This happened to me.
I had the pleasure of stayin' in the same hotel
467
00:22:58,377 --> 00:23:02,117
as one of the...
With one of the finest men in America.
468
00:23:02,163 --> 00:23:05,513
Y'all, I had the pleasure
of stayin' in a hotel with Denzel Washington.
469
00:23:05,558 --> 00:23:07,598
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
470
00:23:07,647 --> 00:23:09,737
Oh, but we had one problem.
471
00:23:09,779 --> 00:23:11,829
He was with his wife.
472
00:23:11,868 --> 00:23:17,438
But you know, that didn't stop
a business woman like myself.
473
00:23:17,483 --> 00:23:19,443
Oh, I had to play lil'
games on him.
474
00:23:19,485 --> 00:23:22,045
I waited one time,
till they were layin' out on the beach.
475
00:23:22,096 --> 00:23:24,836
So I walked out on the
beach and I stood up on this lil' bridge.
476
00:23:24,881 --> 00:23:27,191
I hollered out, I said "Hey!
477
00:23:27,231 --> 00:23:30,711
"Girl, you just can't keep
suckin' his dick out here on the beach like that!"
478
00:23:30,757 --> 00:23:33,797
She was like,
"What is she talkin' about? What is she talkin' about?"
479
00:23:33,847 --> 00:23:36,587
I was like, "I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, my fault."
480
00:23:36,632 --> 00:23:38,632
Waited till the next day,
481
00:23:38,678 --> 00:23:41,068
went out there again.
They layin' out on the beach.
482
00:23:41,115 --> 00:23:43,595
I walked out there, went up
on top of the bridge again.
483
00:23:43,639 --> 00:23:49,729
I said, "Hey! You just can't
keep suckin' his dick out here on the beach like that!"
484
00:23:49,776 --> 00:23:52,386
She was like, "What is she
talkin' about?"
485
00:23:52,431 --> 00:23:57,481
I was like,
"My fault, my fault. I'm sorry."
486
00:23:57,523 --> 00:23:59,963
The last and final day,
I went out on the beach again
487
00:24:00,003 --> 00:24:02,443
they layin' out on the beach.
She stopped me before I could walk past,
488
00:24:02,484 --> 00:24:04,404
she said
"Hey, I recognize you."
489
00:24:04,443 --> 00:24:06,453
She said,
"You're that comedian, your name is Sommore.
490
00:24:06,488 --> 00:24:08,928
"Why is it that you keep
goin' up on top of that bridge
491
00:24:08,969 --> 00:24:10,229
"sayin' that
I'm suckin' his dick?"
492
00:24:10,274 --> 00:24:12,494
I said, "Lemme
tell you somethin'.
493
00:24:12,538 --> 00:24:15,368
"From up on top of that
bridge, it looks like you were suckin' his dick."
494
00:24:15,410 --> 00:24:17,500
She said, "For real?"
I said, "Go on up there."
495
00:24:17,543 --> 00:24:18,763
She went up there.
496
00:24:18,805 --> 00:24:20,755
[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]
497
00:24:27,161 --> 00:24:28,991
She went up
on top of the bridge.
498
00:24:30,469 --> 00:24:32,649
Let me tell y'all somethin'.
499
00:24:32,688 --> 00:24:36,388
She went on top of that
bridge, she said, "Sommore, you're right, girl,
500
00:24:36,431 --> 00:24:39,091
"from up here it does look
like you're suckin' his dick!"
501
00:24:39,129 --> 00:24:42,659
I said, "I told you,
I was gonna tell you!"
502
00:24:42,698 --> 00:24:46,528
Yo, my name is Sommore,
y'all have been wonderful!
503
00:24:46,572 --> 00:24:48,622
[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]
504
00:24:56,973 --> 00:24:58,673
Sommore y'all!
505
00:24:58,714 --> 00:25:00,414
[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]
506
00:25:01,978 --> 00:25:04,238
My man, he'd like,
you know, you know...
507
00:25:04,285 --> 00:25:07,375
You know he gonna say.
He ain't gonna say nothin'different,
508
00:25:07,418 --> 00:25:09,548
but before you say that man...
509
00:25:09,595 --> 00:25:13,205
I'd like to dedicate this show
for two black people we lost last year.
510
00:25:13,250 --> 00:25:15,430
Cab Calloway
and Wilma Rudolph, y'all.
511
00:25:15,470 --> 00:25:19,910
Give it up for my man!
Keepin' me paid. Russell Simmons!
512
00:25:19,953 --> 00:25:22,963
Thank y'all for comin' out.
God bless you, good night.
513
00:25:22,999 --> 00:25:25,049
[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]
514
00:25:39,102 --> 00:25:41,102
[MUSIC PLAYING]
515
00:25:41,152 --> 00:25:45,702
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