Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

KID CAPRI: It's the Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam!

[CROWD CHEERING]

Ladies and gentlemen, without any further ado,

put my main man on the stage, Mr. Joe Torry!

[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

All right! Wassup, y'all?[MUSIC STOPS]

Y'all came out to laugh, let me hear you say, "Hell, yeah!"

AUDIENCE: Hell, yeah!

And like always, give the baddest DJ in the land

a round of applause, y'all.

Kid Capri in this motherfucker.[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Kiddie.

How you doin', Kid?

KID CAPRI: Hey, Joe!

There's a white guy up there. Man, he wasn't doin' shit!

He wasn't doin' nothin'?

JOE: That you told him to do.

Come on, man. Everybody else doin' this shit.

Why can't you get into it?

Stand up right now and say, "Def Comedy Jam!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

If you don't, I'm gonna fuck that whole section up.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

All right?

Now, you say, "Def Comedy Jam."

JOE: I'll come down there on your ass. Stand up, man.

Come on, come here, come up here.

Bring your white ass up here.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

In '95, we ain't havin' shit out of y'all in '95.

Come here.

All right, motherfucker. All right. All right.

[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

Bring your motherfuckin' ass up here, man.

He's sittin' there like he ain't got no motherfuckin' rhythm.

Now, yo. Say, yo, "Def Comedy Jam!"

Def Comedy Jam.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Get your country ass back there and sit down.

You're from Idaho or some- motherfuckin'-where.

Def... Def Comedy Jam.

Probably got a shuck of corn in your back pocket right now.

So, we about to get this show God damn started.

Y'all know the fuckin' rules.

You know if y'all got cable,

those who ain't got cable and shit

that ain't never seen this shit,

if you don't know how I do this,

then don't fuckin' do this shit.

Mr. Idaho, you just sit the fuck down, all right?

You don't say shit.

We got a good ass God damn show.

So, are y'all ready

for the next comedian?

AUDIENCE: Damn! Is he funny?

Now, wait a minute, wait a minute.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

What's fuckin' wrong with y'all, man?

It's, "Damn. Is he funny?"

All right? Now, pick this shit up. Get the energy up, all right?

Do that shit. Come on.

You'll do it? I'll let you do it, man, all right?

Why don't you lead this shit off, all right?

JOE: All right? You gonna lead it off?

I'll slap the fuck out you. You gonna lead it off?

He talkin' about, "Bu... Bu... Bullshit.

"I got a... I got shucks of corn."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

[CHUCKLES]

All right, y'all.

Y'all up there too. We ain't forgot about y'all. All right?

Now, are y'all ready for the next comedian?

AUDIENCE: Damn! Is he funny?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Hell, yeah. Check this out, ya'll.

All the way from Detroit, Michigan.

Give it up to my man, Mr. Tony Roberts!

[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

[MUSIC STOPS]

[SHOUTING] What up, black people!

[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

Shit make me mad. Man, I'm proud to be black.

Proud of it! You black and proud, say, "Hell, yeah!"

AUDIENCE: Hell, yeah!

Say, "Hell, yeah!"AUDIENCE: Hell, yeah!

That's right. We the bravest motherfuckers alive.

We don't care.

Shit, we get a ticket. We don't pay it. We wait for the warrant.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"You know if you sent it to me, I couldn't pay that motherfucker."

Shit, we'll run up a $600 phone bill,

then want to make arrangements.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

It's too damn late!

But we don't care 'cause we black!

We strong!

See, we're not like white people.

You know white people grandparents give they kids money?

"Here, Billy, here's $10 for you.

"Here, Sally, here's $20 for you."

No, not us.

Don't you remember how your grandparents used to give you money?

Like it was drugs.

"Hey, hey, boy! Come on over here."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"Go on. Don't tell nobody I gave you that. Go ahead."

Like it's a dime bag. You know what I'm sayin'?

That's how we do!

Hey, I ain't here to give a fuck. I don't care.

I'm black and I'm proud. I don't give a damn.

Forget that.

And black people, stay off them drugs!

I had to stop smokin' weed, man. I couldn't hang.

You ever smoke weed so good,

the weed get you so high,

you go back to the weed house with the police?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"Come on! This the nigger that sold me this shit right here!

"Come on out, nigger! You busted!"

Ain't no business. Stay off the drugs.

And you black women out here, beautiful sisters,

the women of the '90s,

I don't like that shit neither.

Act like you don't need no man.

You need a man! You need us!

Independent women, got your own shit. Don't need no man.

Clap your hands.[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Uh-huh.

See the ones clappin'?

They're the ones bein' home with a bag full of batteries.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

They don't need us!

Got it goin' on!

But, hey! I'm tellin' you,

they ain't gonna let you know that up and personal.

No, you gotta catch 'em by surprise.

I called one girl the middle of the night by surprise.

She answered the phone like this, [GURGLING] "Hello?

[GURGLING] "Hello? Hello? Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Wait a minute, wait a minute!"

Just unplug your shit!

Leave them machines alone! Some of you don't give a damn.

You got the heavy duty. [IMITATING STARTING CHAIN SAW]

[IMITATING RUNNING CHAIN SAW]

[AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS]

You need us!

You need to get with it.

I'll tell you, women crazy, man!

Women will shave their eyebrows off to draw some more.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

You seen that?

I don't understand that at all.

And some of you don't... Don't know where you're puttin' 'em at.

Seen one woman at the airport comin' into New York.

Eyebrows all the way up here.

She walkin' through the airport like, she goin',

"Hmm? Hmm? Hmm? Hmm?"

Everybody speakin' to her.

I walked up to her. I said, "Hmm?"

She said, "What?"

I said, "I thought you said somethin'."

Put it right here, girl!

Confusin' everybody!

I don't like that.

You need to leave it alone.

And take care of yourself. You gotta look good today.

Look at these fine-lookin' women.

You know, y'all got some bad girls.

You go into a club with them ugly girls, ooh.

You ever seen a girl ugly in the club doin' that butterfly?

You look at her face like a dragonfly.

You know, ah! Nah!

I say, "No, no, no. DJ, cut the record, cut the record."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Shit just makes you mad, man.

But I love these women.

That's why I talk about you, 'cause I love you

and I'm tryin' to understand you.

You see, God, he... He got a thing on me and he... He don't like us.

That's why he put these ugly women down here with these bad bodies.

Confusin' us!

You know how it is, bro. You been there.

You don't know what you want to do.

Seen a girl downtown, had a whoo-wha-whoo-wooo.

Just that walk, like a horse.

[VOCALIZING]

Just had me mesmerized.

She was walkin' away though.

Little girl had $1,000 body and a food stamp face.

She was walkin' away!

I said, "Baby girl. Hey!"

She looked at me and I said, "Ah!

"Bitch, don't you ever scare me like that again!"

My name's Tony Roberts. Peace out, New York!

[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[MUSIC STOPS]

Tony... Tony Roberts, y'all.

Tony Roberts, y'all. Fuck you, kids.

Tony Roberts, y'all.

KID CAPRI: You hit it.

JOE: I love you man.KID CAPRI: You got away with it.

I... I love you, Kid.KID CAPRI: Short bastard.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Why I gotta be short, man?

I'm nice and tall when I'm standin' on your mama's back!

[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

So y'all ready [CHUCKLES]

for the next comedian?

AUDIENCE: Damn! Is he funny?Hell, yeah.

Give it up for my man, J.B. Smoove.

[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC STOPS]

Keep kickin' it, man. Keep kickin' that shit! Come on!

[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC STOPS]

Ha ha! That's the shit!

Ah! That's the shit! Ha-ha!

[HOWLS]

[GASPS] That's the shit! Ha!

Y'all know that's the shit!

That shit was made for walkin'!

Ha-ha!

Any nigger can walk to that shit.

A crippled man could walk to that shit!

Kick that bitch again!

[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND CHEERS]

[MUSIC STOPS]

That's the shit!

Ah! Buh-dow!

Girl, don't look at me like I'm crazy 'cause you hear that shit!

Ha-ha.

Hmm-ha, flavor in your ear!

That's the shit!

[LAUGHS]

Whoo, girl, you know that song is the shit!

If you could stand on line waiting for your food stamps

to the beat of that motherfucker.

Kick that shit again!

[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Enough! Ha-ha![MUSIC STOPS]

That's the shit!

I don't give a fuck where you from? That's the shit!

Ha-ha!

Oh, all them white people, don't feel left the fuck out.

I see y'all.

Don't feel left out. That shit is for white people too!

Ha-ha!

You know that song is the shit

if white people can rock that motherfucker!

You know that song is the shit...

If a white-ass superman could fly through the motherfucker.

Kick that bitch!

[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND CHEERS]

Oh, I don't gotta explain that shit![MUSIC STOPS]

I don't gotta explain a God damn thing.

That is the shit! Ha ha!

[SHOUTING] Wassup?

How y'all... How y'all feelin' and shit?

I feel good like a motherfucker, boy.

Boy, I ain't lyin'. I mean, we had it good back in the day.

Kids, they don't know what the fuck they missed back in the day.

They got... What... What's that shit called?

Power Rangers.

Garbage!

Garbage!

We had the shit!

Batman and Robin.

That was the shit.

But was it me

or did it seem like Batman really didn't have no lines.

Who had all the fuckin' lines?

Robin!

And Robin ain't makin' no fuckin' sense.

He is makin' up shit as he goes along.

They could be in the Joker hideout tied the fuck up.

Tied up!

Robin makin' shit up.

[AS ROBIN STRAINING]

[AS ROBIN] "Batman!"

[STRAINING]

[AS BATMAN] "Just calm down, okay, Robin?"

[AS ROBIN] "Batman, we're trapped!

[STRAINING]

"Holy pig feet and pork chops, Batman!"

[AS BATMAN] "What Robin? Just calm down, okay? Just calm down."

[AS ROBIN] "But Batman, this time we're trapped for real!

"Holy big butt bitch from Brooklyn with boogers!"

[AS BATMAN] "What, Robin? Just calm down, okay?

"If I can just reach my utility belt here, Robin.

"I think I can solve the first problem.

"And that first problem is you shutting the fuck up!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"See? [CHUCKLES] You done fucked up, Robin. See?

"Yep, yep, yep. The fuckin' uh-oh, shit.

"Man, you done fucked up.

"Nigger, it's Batman and Robin, all right?

"What the fuck is wrong with you?

"You brought that shit upon yourself.

"[CHUCKLES] You hear me?

"Hey, Robin?

"Robin.

"What's wrong?

"You want to drive?"

[CHUCKLES]

[AS HIMSELF] That's my time. I gotta roll!

I love y'all. Peace and love. Out.

[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[MUSIC STOPS]

I know y'all should be dizzy

from that cock-eyes and shit.

I couldn't do no shit if a cock-eyed motherfucker was in front of me.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

How you... How you just gonna walk across the stage, Mr. White man?

How you gonna do that, man?

Zoom in on this, motherfucker.

It's Dick Jam.

[CHUCKLES][AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Where Kid Capri be in the booth naked.

[IMITATING KID CAPRI]

[JOE CHUCKLES][AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Now, y'all ready for the next comedian?

AUDIENCE: Damn! Is he funny?

Please welcome Spike Davis!

[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC STOPS]

Hey, Def Jam, wassup? How y'all doin'?

Y'all ready to do this?

Give it up one time for your host, Joe Torry.

Let him hear it. Joe Torry in the house.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

How many black people here broke like me?

Ain't nothin' wrong with it, man.

And see, what I hate about bein' broke, man, is bill collectors.

I don't mind these people callin' me.

I have no problem with that.

The thing that I hate is the time that they call you.

Eight o'clock in the morning.

Eight o'clock in the mornin'?

Don't they know I work at night?

I drink on the job.

I don't want to get up at 8:00 in the mornin'

and tell you why I ain't paid you.

Apparently I spent it on rum and coke. Call me back.

And then they want to ask you little stupid-ass questions.

You ever have them ask you, "Well, Mr. Davis, when can we expect payment?"

You can expect it any time.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Hell, if you get it, call me.

I'll be shocked with your ass, man.

What's wrong with you little stupid people, man?

You ever have them call you up, man, and try to get smart with you?

Try to talk down to you?

I don't play that shit.

Come callin' me at 1:00 in the morning on the phone, little missy.

[AS WOMAN] "Mr. Davis, when can we expect payment?"

[AS HIMSELF] I got to thinkin' about that "we" shit.

I was like, "Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it.

"You ain't Ms. Visa.

"You work for the company.

"Probably makin' $4.25 an hour.

"Probably late on your own bills.

"Go home. Call your own ass up."

But you can't do that shit with every bill collector that call your house

'cause some bill collectors will not argue with your ass.

That's why you pay your bills by priority, don't you?

Very few people here, man, you get your check and run out and pay everybody.

You pay the most important people first.

And I'm gonna give it a big category, too.

Category number one, people who can cut off shit.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Oh, yeah. You can argue with that if you want to.

You can be like "God damn it, I'll come down there and pay it when it get good at..."

"I'm on the way."

Your ass be arguin' in the dark. [CHUCKLES]

Listen, y'all been fun. My name's Spike Davis. Peace out.

[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC STOPS]

You don't really wear that shit, do you?

You look all out of place and shit.

JOE: You look like... You know, "I'm goin' to Def... Def Comedy Jam,

"Can I get help?

"Let me see. What I need?"

Damn, he floodin' and shit, ain't he?

Hey, you know you floodin' when you floodin' sittin' down!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS][JOE CHUCKLES]

All right!

Are y'all ready for the next comedian?

AUDIENCE: Damn! Is he funny?

Hell, yeah!

Y'all know him as nationally ignorant.

Give it up for my man, Mr. Kenny Howell.

[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC STOPS]

Oh! What up, y'all?

How you motherfuckers doin'? [CLEARS THROAT]

All right. Y'all put these little sissies in the front,

put these white hoes right here.

What the fuck is goin' on?

[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

I don't pull no punches. This motherfucker got a... A damn weave.

That ain't no dreds. That's some little braided shit here

like one of these hos have.

Look at this shit, with earrings?

You ain't nothin' but a little bitch.

How you doin', big lady? You all right? You all feelin' good?

I know you. How you doin', big daddy?

KENNY: Why you didn't bring yo neck to the party?

Look at that... Anybody got a car jack?

Let's jack his shit up!

Look at that motherfucker! He look like he just been sayin', "I don't know."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

You can't ask him shit. You dry?

Yo mama here?

How you doin'? You white?

You not? You... You mixed?

You mixed the fuck up out here with this slut.

Where that white dude at?

Holler your little white ass out.

Are you prejudice? Look around, motherfucker.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I hate honkys. You... I hate honkys that's prejudiced.

You... You ain't prejudiced, are you?

'Cause I had a prejudice honky...

I call them honkys 'cause they call us niggers.

I had a prejudiced honky stay right across the street from me.

This motherfucker was prejudiced as fuck.

He used to rent the movie Rootsevery day

and play the shit backwards just to see the niggers go back to Africa.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS]

That's a prejudiced motherfucker.

But I'm happy to be here.

Look at this little old Sammy Davis-Flip Mario Van Peebles-looking, motherfucker.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

With that tight-ass jewel sweater.

Where you get that sweater, motherfucker?

I bet your son at home madder than a motherfucker.

[IMITATING AUDIENCES SON] "He always wearin' my shit tryin' to be cool.

"I hate his ass!"

I don't like all this bullshit.

I don't like all you ladies out here with that fake hair.

Wait, some of it's all right.

But see, that shit just like buyin' clothes.

You gotta match.

Fuck that. You can't have no brown coarse-ass hair

and go get you a big black silk-ass ponytail!

Sittin' up smilin', knowin' some horse's ass is madder than a motherfucker!

And women'll tie that shit on with anything.

I seen a woman tie her ponytail on

with a thing you tie the bread up with.

This bitch done twist-tied her shit on.

See, I talk about you women 'cause you all get away with too much shit.

See, y'all get away with shit we can't get away with.

See, a woman will come out all dressed up, you go home, her house nasty.

Bring yo ass out nasty so we know!

The bitch'll bomb, but I love her ass.

You know what I'm sayin'? Women can get away with...

A woman can tell you your breath stink,

but you can't tell a woman her shit stink.

You ever be in a car with a woman early in the morning

and that shit just tearin' your ass up?

The heat on, it's winter time

and she's just talkin', "Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah."

You turn the radio up, "You ain't got to turn that up!"

You be like, "Shit, I do!"

The only way to breathe,

you got to play like you see somebody you know on the corner.

You be like, "Damn, that look like T.J. What up, T?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS]

"No, he was on the corner. That's T. T!"

But I gotta get ready to get the fuck out of here,

but I want to talk to you black parents before I get out of here.

You black parents, quick and easy,

quit tryin' to fuckin' dance.

You scarin' the fuck out your children.

We don't know if you motherfuckers havin' a heart attack

or cardiac arrest or what the fuck.

'Cause my father, James Brown come on,

that motherfucker go... [EXCLAIMS]

I be like, "Whoa!"

I called the ambulance on his ass damn near 50 times.

The only way you know he dancin' if he bust a clap,

then you can tell he tryin' to catch a beat.

'Cause this motherfucker, James Brown will come on,

that motherfucker go... [EXCLAIMS]

I be like, "Shit! Call the..."

"Uh-uh, nigger. Don't call nobody but your mama. Ha ha!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS]

And look, he would get drunk

and get his brothers over there and my uncle...

Did you ever see a bunch of old drunk motherfuckin' brothers together dancin'?

Oh, they take over your party.

They be makin' them faces like they killin'. "Aw, yeah."

Look, then they get to talkin' to ya.

"Uh, didn't they tell you about me? Oh, this my party."

One of them be the best dancer.

They try to get his ass to dance.

"Come on, Jimmy. Break a few down for me."

"Nah, y'all don't want to see Jimmy get down."

"Come on, Jimmy. Break it for me."

"Nah."

Jimmy finally break off about eight dances.

You won't know any one of them motherfuckers.

But it's always the uncle on the side

callin' out every dance this motherfucker's doin'.

He be like, "Come on, Jimmy."

Jimmy like, "Okay. I'm gonna break a few down. Call 'em out to me.

"You ready? Call 'em out."

"Okay. Wind it up. Oh!

"Reach for the sky!

"Climb the pole!

"Play the violin!

"Hypnotizin'!

"Clean the windshield!

"Fly the helicopter!

"Get up on her!

"Back up off of her!

"Shoot the arrow!

"Drive the car!

"Kill the roach! Kick her ass..."

Then you be, "What the fuck is this?"

I'm outta here, y'all! God bless you!

[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC STOPS]

Come on, man.

Now, give this man his round of applause, Mr. Russell Simmons.

[AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS]

Now, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!

If y'all want him to say somethin' different,

let me hear you say, "Hell, yeah!"

AUDIENCE: Hell, yeah!

You gonna say somethin' different, man?Absolutely.

Absolutely? Go ahead. Don't...

Thank y'all for comin' out. God bless, good night.

[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

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