Original subtitles

KID CAPRI: It's the Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[CHEERING]

Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for my main man,

Mr. Joe Torry!

Kid Capri, y'all! Give it up to him!

[APPLAUSE]

If y'all came out here to laugh, let me hear you say, hell yeah!

AUDIENCE: Hell yeah!Aight then! We gonna turn this motherfucker out!

What you say?[AUDIENCE SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY]

Oh, you all can't see me?AUDIENCE: No!

Too motherfuckin' bad. That camera's right there.

They're like, "Move back! Move back!"

I'm sorry. You should have got your ass here on time.

Mr. White Man is on time.

Motherfucker been here since 6:30.

Ticket just like this. "I want to see the Jams."

What you doin', man? You hangin' out with the brothers, man?

Do this, look at this motherfucker. Mr. Magoo in the house!

Goddamn!

Damn, these women look good in this motherfucker.

Damn, this like one of the best shows with all these fine-ass fuckin' women.

Truly, truly, truly. So, y'all wanna be on Oprah and shit?

'Cause y'all wanna be on Oprah 'cause there be some bros out here givin' up bad dick,

and that's why they run and take they ass on Oprah Winfrey every goddamn week.

That's why every show Oprah Winfrey got

is about bad-ass niggas. I'm tellin' you.

I mean every fuckin' week, Next on the Oprah Winfrey Show,

niggas that ain't shit.

Tomorrow on Oprah Winfrey Show, some more motherfuckers that ain't shit.

Special edition, we found some niggas in a cave and guess what?

They ain't shit either.

Damn! Terry McMillan, she pissed off. She write a goddamn book.

You turn the pages and shit and you ain't shit on this page

and you ain't shit on this... Damn!

See, them is women... And I love both of them

'cause they some powerful black women,

but them are some women that need dick in they life.

I could look around and tell when a woman ain't had no dick in her life.

Boom. Look at that.

[AUDIENCE GROANS]

Right there. No dick. Right there.

I could smell it. See, I bet she got on two pair of drawers, don't you?

Sittin' there, so many women... Some of you women

just ain't been stroked in a long goddamn time.

Can I get an "amen" from the fellas?MALE AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Amen!

Can I get an "amen" from the fellas up there?MALE AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Amen!

So, I'm here to set this shit up.

Ain't gonna be anymore of this bullshit in '94.

You ain't gonna be cuttin' off our dicks.

Know what I'm sayin'?

I'm sick of that shit.

Hey, our dick ain't gonna be on no more news shows,

talkin' about we can't fuck.

I ain't gonna be talkin' about dicks no more goddamn more.

Some of you women need to quit trippin' though.

'Cause you be playin' a brother.

Won't tell him when your little friend is in town.

You know, what I'm sayin'? Tell a motherfucker, he take you out all goddamn day,

spend all this money and then you come home talkin' about...

"Well, I can't do nothin' 'cause my friend's in town."

I don't know what the fuck that mean!

Make the motherfucker sleep on the couch!

I want some ass!

Damn! All through dinner and you ain't tell me this shit?

You lookin' good, smellin' good, my dick is harder than a $50 jawbreaker!

And you're puttin' me through this shit? What the fuck I supposed to do?

"We could just cuddle." Cuddle?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

If I wanted to cuddle, I'd of have sent your ass to dinner

with a motherfuckin' teddy bear.

[LAUGHTER]

I ain't gonna have this shit.

I'm not gonna have this shit. Brothers, y'all with me?

MALE AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Yeah!Can I get an "amen" from the brothers?

MALE AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Amen!Dick is comin' in '94. Dick is comin' in '94.

Dick in your life. Dick in your life.

Dick in your life. Dick in your life.

I know y'all need some dick in your life.

[APPLAUSE]

You been lookin' at me all wrong.

Don't be... I... I'll fuck you so hard I'll make you confess.

[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS]

She be sittin' there, "I cheated on my SATs.

"Did some weed. I'm on welfare, I ain't got no job.

"What you want to know? What you want to know?"

You lookin' at me like that!

'Cause you gonna get some dick in your life.

See, you need a dick in your life.

You need two dicks in your life.

You need three dicks in your life.

I'm tellin' you, ain't no more of this bullshit.

Let me hear you say dick in your life!AUDIENCE: Dick in your life.

Now, let me hear you say dick in your life!AUDIENCE: Dick in your life!

Ah, stop that shit, man.

Eh... Fuckin' off.

Damn!

See what y'all did to me?

♪ Y'all don't hear me

I'm back now.

All right, y'all. From D.C. makin' his second appearance

on the Def Comedy Jam, funny as hell, Mr. Tony Woods.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

Wassup, New York? How y'all feel?

[AUDIENCE YELLS INDISTINCTLY]

Aight. Hey, look, look, look.

Before we get started, I gotta apologize,

y'all, straight off, because you hear my throat is all messed up.

My voice been givin' me problems.

I don't have a cold or nothin' like that,

it's just this new product out on the market that really irritates your throat

somethin' awful, and fellas especially, you gotta look out for this stuff, man.

It's Monistat 7.

Ahhh! Haaa!

Haaa!

[LAUGHTER]

Y'all nasty, shit. Y'all laughin'.

That's aight. Hey, I laugh at anything, too.

I been laughin' at the wrong shit for years.

You know, when I was little I remember when I first noticed

I had a flaw in my character. I was like eight years old.

Me and my mother was goin' to school.

You know, she takin' me in the car, we stop at a red light.

[SCREECH] And another school bus pull out right beside my mother's car.

But it wasn't like a regular school bus. It was like a little short school bus.

And the kids on the bus must have been really excited about goin' to school, you know?

'Cause they was all goin'... [SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Hey, I didn't know! I started laughin'.

I said, "Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma!

"Look at these crazy kids on this bus!"

And she looked over... [GASPS] She said, "Boy, don't you ever

"laugh at those kids again. Those kids are special."

[LAUGHTER]

"Even the one lickin' the window?"

FEMALE AUDIENCE MEMBER: Oh, my God.

And now I have a son and he's only seven years old.

And I try to instill in him the same values and principles my parents instilled in me.

And I was takin' him to school in the summer.

To his little $125 a week bullshit program.

You know, I say, $125 'cause finger paint...

Say motherfucker, $125, I want to see a movie you wrote.

And then them bitches at the daycare say,

"Elonzo was cuttin' up today. He's not goin' on the trip tomorrow."

You a motherfuckin' liar.

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]

Unless you want to see his father act a motherfuckin' fool.

[LAUGHTER]

But anyway, I'm takin' him to school,

and we stop at a traffic light. [SCREECH]

Same car.

And wouldn't you know it, right beside us... [SCREECH]

Same bus.

Must have been the same school

'cause the kids were really excited.

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

And he didn't know either.

He started laughin'. He said, "Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!

"Look at these crazy kids on this bus."

And that is so sad, man.

'Cause I said, "No!

"Look at the motherfucker at the back of the bus with the big ass head!"

We sittin' there... We sittin' there for 10 minutes crackin' up laughin'.

I had to pull over.

I said, "Man, you crazier than a motherfucker, boy!"

[APPLAUSE]

Hey, y'all be cool. My name is Tony Woods. Goodnight.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, that motherfucker sick, man.

Funnier than a motherfucker though. Tony Woods, y'all.

[APPLAUDING]

Here we go. Y'all with us?

The white guys, they with us? That motherfucker cooler than y'all.

And here we go. Are y'all ready... For the next comedian?

AUDIENCE: Damn, is he funny?

Hell yeah! Y'all seen him in a commercial.

He Calvin from McDonald's. You know, the homeboy motherfucker?

Give it up for Alex Thomas.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Yes! Yes! Yes!

What up, y'all?[AUDIENCE YELLS INDISTINCTLY]

Oh, it's cold as shit out here. Got a fucked-up welcome by the NYPD.

I'm drivin' from the airport, cops pulled me over.

Now, cops get on my nerves 'cause they ask the dumbest questions.

You know, my mother always told me, "Boy, if somebody ask you a stupid question,

"you give them a stupid answer."

Cops gone walk up to my car.

"Would you like to step out the car?"

I said, "Hell no! It's cold!

"I got the heat on. How about you hop your ass in here with me?"

We need cops though now 'cause it's just gettin' crazy now.

Brothers gettin' carjacked every night now.

People, believe me, be smart.

It could happen to you.

Give up the car. You can always get another car.

Believe me, I know. I got carjacked a month and a half ago.

2:00 in the morning by one of them window-washin' bums.

Just as I'm steppin' out my car, he had the gun to my head.

I became a used car salesmen.

He went, "Get out the car and give me all your money.

"You got something to say?"

I said, "Yes, I do!

"You gonna love the way this car handles.

"Power steering, four by four, dual airbags.

"She's great on the open highway."

I'm totally against guns,

but it's got to the point now where I had to get out

and buy my own gun for self defense.

I go into gas stations now, shit.

I become a vigilante SWAT member.

Turn off my car. Kick out my door.

All right! I'm about to fill up my tank!

I don't want to have to hurt nobody!

Drop the Windex, nigga! Drop it!

Let me get one dollar on pump eight.

Everybody lately's been askin' me, "Hey man, why you wear that whistle, man?

"Why you wear that whistle?"

I told them my whole life I wanted to be a referee.

An umpire. Any type of official.

This shit never happens, so, what do I call myself now? I call myself a public referee.

Made up my own rules.

I'm out in the streets callin' everything I see.

Hey! Hey! [BLOWS WHISTLE] Illegal aliens!

Too many in the car.

[BLOWS WHISTLE] Technical foul. Jungle fever.

See a fat lady in some tight-ass biker shorts.

[BLOWS WHISTLE] Illegal motion!

[LAUGHTER]

Too much ass in the streets.

See a gay couple walkin' down the street. [BLOWS WHISTLE]

Time out! Illegal entry.

[LAUGHTER]

See a lady walkin' down the street with her tits fallin' out her shirt. [BLOWS WHISTLE]

Double dribble!

It's got to the point now, I'll be in line at the liquor store.

If the brother in front of me is buyin' condoms,

I just gotta let him know. [BLOWS WHISTLE] Safe!

Alex Thomas, y'all. I'm out.

[MUSIC PLAYS]

Alex Thomas in the house! Alex Thomas in the house.

Now, are y'all ready?

Give it up for my man from Chicago, Geoff Brown!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Wassup?AUDIENCE: Wassup?

How y'all doin'? My name is Geoff Brown, as introduced.

A few things I'd like to discuss.

A few things that beleaguer and beset our people, one of them

being the word "nigger."

A very ugly, negative word. Unfortunately, it must exist

because there are some of us it describes perfectly.

Let's discuss them, shall we?

If you leave your house in rollers and/or slippers

and/or plastic bags you sir/ma'am, are a nigger.

The message, ladies and gentlemen, don't be a nigger.

Hopefully, as I look out, all I see is a sea of beautiful black people.

Let's leave that word behind us.

Gotta use it sometimes 'cause you know, we all got 'em.

I got 'em in my family. My uncle Snookie is one, for example.

Thought I missed him 'cause I loved him.

Turns out it's just 'cause he's so damn stupid.

You know how you spell words around kids you don't want them to know?

My uncle Snookie always spelled the wrong damn words.

"Hey, puttin' these toys together. When we gonna tell these K-I-D-S

"they ain't no Santa Claus?

[LAUGHTER]

"I say we go out in the C-A-R and smoke some dope."

[LAUGHTER]

Just a stupid ass. I sat down to a game of Scrabble

with this man, figurin' I could blow his mind with some of my logic.

He blew me away with something here though. Boy, you ain't been around long enough

to play a game like this with me. I gotta a word for you. P-Y-O-N-S-O.

I said, "Py..." "Boy, that's pencil!

"Want me to use it for you in a sentence?

"My nephew kept actin' a fool so I stabbed him in the eye with a pyonso."

Okay. I'm tryin' like hell and he is just goin' to town.

"I got another one for you. Pass me that bag. B-O-F-U-B-M."

Bof... "Boy, that's both of 'em!

"He kept actin' a fool so I stabbed out bofubm."

Little bit more to think about, this is 1994.

The HIV virus knows no friends. Protect yourselves.

Ah, I don't know. There's not too much more I can say about that

except, you know, fellas, carry condoms. Ladies carry condoms

for your stupid-ass boyfriends.

Seriously, ladies. We will not think any less of you

if you whip out a 12 pack of Trojans.

Unless, of course, there's only three left in the box.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I was watching the survey. Scared the hell out of me. They say the people

least likely to be infected with the HIV virus

are women between the ages of 55 and 80.

[LAUGHTER]

This changes my datin' plans all the way around.

People askin' me, "Geoff, where you goin' after this?

"Tribeca?" "Nope! Shady Pines Convalescent Home."

Y'all be chasin' these young women, I be runnin' around goin',

"Oh Martha, somethin' about the way you drag that oxygen behind you drives me crazy.

"Come here!"

Shout out to my sponsor, [INAUDIBLE]. Peace and love!

[CROWD CHEERING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[SCATTING]

Another round of applause, y'all, Geoff Brown!

KID CAPRI: Hey, Joe.

Wassup, man?

KID CAPRI: Ain't that that girl from SWV up there?

SWV? Hey, wassup? In the house!

How y'all doin'? Thanks for comin' out to Def Jam!

You havin' fun? Yeah.

Aight, y'all. We gonna keep this motherfucker rollin', rollin', rollin'.

This next guy comin' to the stage, y'all, they from Houston, Texas.

Give it up for Arceneaux and Mitchell, here for the second time.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Come on, Def Jam! Make some fuckin' noise!

In the house! Def Jam! Wassup?

There you go!

Aight. Now, what's the deal with this

Long Island Railroad shit, man?

My question is why did they say it was a racial incident?

It was not a racial incident.

Because there were black people on that train.

But when they heard that motherfuckin' gun...

They got the fuck off.

[LAUGHTER]

White people were the only ones standin' around, expectin' shit.

[MIMICS GUNSHOT] "Hey, Bob. Did you hear that?"

"Goddamn it. What the hell is goin' on now?"

"I think somebody's shootin' up there."

"Goddamn it, I don't believe it."

"It's a public train, they can't... I'm gonna go and investigate this.

"You go and tell them to what the hell's going on?""Put that goddamn gun away."

Fuckin' shit! Take that!

"Hey now, buddy! Listen, Mac, I don't know what the fuck you think you're doin',

"but this is a public train. [MIMICS GUNSHOT]

"and you can't just go around shootin' people." [MIMICS GUNSHOT]

"Goddamn it! You just shot my friend!

"What the hell's wrong with you? [MIMICS GUNSHOT]

"Ooh, let's get the fuck off. Come on."

"Shit, man. We already have enough problems as it is."

That's right. And what's the deal with rap music today?

Yo, back when Houdini and them was kickin' it, rap was rap!

Hell yeah!It was music!

It made sense! Now what you got? Back the fuck up!

I don't give a fuck, motherfucker! Suck my dick! I don't give a fuck!

Shoot.Thank you! Good night!

Shit!That's right! That's right!

Crazy shit!

And what we gonna do about Michael?

What we gonna do about Michael, y'all?

What we gonna do about it? Y'all know he didn't do that!

And now they sayin' the little boy says he can identify Michael's nuts!

So they want to see the man's nuts in court,

like Mike gonna walk in...

So you want to see...[CROWD SCREAMING]

Ohhh!

It ain't gonna happen.

And Michael sayin' it don't matter if you black or white, right?

Ain't what he sayin'? Don't matter if you're black or white.

When they finished with Michael, not only is he gonna know he black,

he gonna be a nigger!Yes!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Give it up!

Crazier than cat shit!

It ain't that we tired, it's just that time's expired.

Come on up here, Russell Simmons.

He's gonna say this shit in Japanese this week.

Say the shit. Say the shit in Japanese. Come on, man.

Thank y'all for comin' out. God bless you. Good night.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

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