Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

KID CAPRI: It's the Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together

for my main man, Mr. Joe Torry!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Wassup!

AUDIENCE: Wassup!

You motherfuckers came out to laugh, let me hear you say, "Hell yeah!"

AUDIENCE: Hell yeah!

Aight then. Give it up to DJ Kid Capri in the fuckin' house.

[APPLAUSE]

And also, you know, come to kick it with us tonight,

Bill Bellamy in the house. MTV.

DJ Jazzy Joyce chillin' up there with him.

What else we got? We got Dave Meggett.

Giants and shit. Little bad motherfucker. Motherfucker...

That motherfucker... They can't stop that little motherfucker, man.

He just be runnin' through, motherfuckers.

He's got his two little honeys with him, damn.

And Goldie-motherfuckin'-locks, how you doin'?

[CHEERING AND SCREAMING]

What the fuck is all that about?

This shit.

Looks like you just pulled your head out of some pasta or some shit.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

See this shit? You're like a ghetto Ginger from Gilligan's Island!

Goddamn!

I don't believe this shit!

I thought white people do crazy shit, goddamn!

You see this shit? She ain't foolin y'all, is she?

They're over here like, "Naw, naw, she's a nigga."

Crazy. Y'all suited up and shit.

Y'all comfortable. I ain't gonna fuck with y'all, man.

Y'all... Fuck y'all. Y'all crazy. I don't fuck with white people.

Y'all some crazy motherfuckers. And I think white people do crazy shit.

I think y'all get tired of black people taking over all your shit.

So y'all sit at home and think of some crazy shit to do

to remind yourself that you're white.

Like, you know, the fan-man shit. That shit didn't work.

Got his ass beat, didn't he?

That David Koresh motherfucker, that shit didn't work.

So, I was looking at a commercial the other day.

Only white people do this shit.

I think white people just sit at home, be like,

"Goddamn Negroes are taking over football, basketball,

"hockey, every goddamn thing. We gotta think of something they won't do.

"Hell, when we climb Ice Mountain...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"They don't wanna do that, their skin'll get dry,

"their juicy-ass hair will freeze up. Yeah!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And the motherfuckers climb this big ass... In the commercial...

They climb this big-ass fuckin' ice mountain and get to the top,

all just to get a cold-ass bottle of water.

Now, if I do some stupid-ass shit like that and I get to the top,

there better be some goddamn Swiss Miss bitches with a pot of hot chocolate.

Fuck that! And then...

Fuckin' cold there or what?

[SIGHS]

Motherfuck... What the fuck for?

And they didn't fuck with Michael Jackson?

See what they did to Michael Jackson? Mmm-hmm.

See what happens when you let the wrong white person in your house?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You laughin'? I ain't prejudiced,

but some of them motherfuckers ain't on your side all the time.

Little white boy, like, "Michael Jackson grabbed my dick."

I'mma tell you what happened.

Fuckin' tell you what happened.

See, he was probably just runnin' around the goddamn house,

and Michael Jackson told him,

[IMITATES JACKSON] "Quit running around the house, okay?

"You just fuckin' stop it. Expensive shit in here."

He knocked over the bones or some shit,

and Michael's like, "Fuckin', I told you quit running. Pow!"

[MIMICS CRYING] "Michael grabbed my dick!"

That's right, look, kids now, you know what I'm sayin'?

It's hard trying to be a role model nowadays.

But I'm glad... I'm glad Mike, you know, came on TV and did that shit.

He said, "Fuck all this." If I was him, I wouldn't have came back.

I would have been like, "Fuck that, fuck America,

"I'll stay over there and build some new shit.

"I got the money."

Know what I'm sayin'? But no, he came on the news.

And what'd he tell you?

Can I tell you?

[MIMICS] "He fucking... He fuckin' wanted to take pictures of my penis...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"My lower torso, my balls. My Michael Jackson balls, man.

"And it wasn't enough, no, it wasn't enough. They wanted to see more.

"They won't have it, and I told him, 'Take it!'

"So, I'm fuckin' innocent, man. I'm fuckin' innocent!"

Go ahead, Mike, do your fucking thing.

People messin' with him. He ain't grabbing that little boy dick.

Fuck is wrong with him? And he want $20 million.

I called Mike up, I was like, "Mike,

"20 million. Give me 5,000, I'll kill his whole fucking family."

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

All right?

Now, hurry up and give me a job before a crackhead do that shit for $5.

Shit. Really! I ain't goin' out like that.

Fuckin' with Michael Jackson. I love Michael Jackson.

Loved him since when he was just a little boy.

All right. Now, are y'all ready for the next comedian?

AUDIENCE: Damn. Is he funny?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]Hell yeah.

Welcome to the stage, you've seen this cat,

he's one of the most creative, young comedians coming up. Give it up from Los Angeles,

Mr. Darrell Heath!

[APPLAUSE]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

My name is Darrell. Right, right.

And I'm just here to tell you...

I like that hat, brother. Um, baseball cap.

Pimps are wearin' those nowadays.

That's how... That's... I'm gonna tell you why.

I knew a brother, he was a pimp, played baseball.

And I felt sorry for every ho that didn't have his money.

'Cause he'd walk down the street with me, we'd be kickin' it.

He's like, "Darrell, hold up. Hold up, man.

"That bitch, she owe me money. Hold up." He'd get a baseball.

"Hey, bitch. Hey!

"Bitch, you owe me money. Hey bitch, hey, don't run from me!"

She goes, "Oh, shit. I owe that nigga money!"

[THUDS]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Everybody pimpin' nowadays. Ain't no joke. I saw a little midget pimp.

Little midget pimpin' hoes. Can you imagine?

I think he was about... About this tall

and had, like, a regular size cane. Didn't even cut the mother...

Out there pimpin' hoes. Pimpin' hoes, had a big cane.

He was like, "Goddamn, what do you want with that?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

He got in this big ass car and drove off...

A big ass Cadillac and drove off,

and when he drove down the street, you could see him standing in the seat.

It was like...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

But he heard this song on the radio, he was like,

"Hold up, that's my cut, nigga.

"Hold on, I'm gonna go turn this shit up. Hold up!"

Saw his ho coming down the street, he's like, "Hold up, that...

"That looks like Trixie. Hold up. That bitch owe me money. Hold up. Fuck that.

"Fuck that!" [MIMICS TIRES SCREECHING]

I even seen... No joke... I even seen a handicapped pimp.

No, he was cool. Don't feel sorry.

He was out there, shootin' dice with his homies on the corner.

And he had them two fingers. He could only use those two fingers.

Nigga was holding one die at a time.

He was like, "Come on, nigga, let me hit four."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Saw his ho crossing, he goes, "Hey, wait up. That looks like Trixie.

"That bitch owes me money. Hold up, Trixie!

"Girl, you owe me money, don't make me...

"Hey, don't make me come over there!

"Girl, don't make me come over there.

"Don't make me... Man, hold on. Man, hold my money.

"I'll be right back... [MIMICS ELECTRIC WHEELCHAIR]

"All right now, bitch. No, look me in the eyes.

"Hey, bitch, put your head up.

"I got 16 switches for all my bitches.

"See, you make me look bad. You make me look bad in front of my boys.

"Hey, yeah, hey! Ain't nothin' bad, I just...

[MIMICS ELECTRIC WHEELCHAIR]

"Now, see, look what you made me did. Now, you get my money.

"You ain't got my... What you mean you ain't got my... What?"

She's like, "I ain't got your money. I'm gonna write you a check."

"What you say? A check? Bitch, you crazy."

Smack the shit, "Ahh!

"Ahh! Ahh!"

[EXCLAIMS]

"Hey, bitch, don't run away from me. Hey! Don't... Hey!

[MIMICS ELECTRIC WHEELCHAIR]

"Oh, you think you gettin' away, huh? You think you gettin'..."

[MIMICS ELECTRIC WHEELCHAIR STUCK]

I'm Darrell Heath. Thank you very much!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Darrell Heath, y'all! Oh, man.

Oh, there's some handicaps gonna whoop his ass.

Oh, shit.

[SIGHS]

Only on HBO.

[LAUGHS]

Them motherfuckin' fingers.

All right. Keep this motherfucker rollin', rollin', rollin'.

From Brooklyn, give it up for Mugga.

[APPLAUSE]

Wassup!AUDIENCE: Wassup!

I feel at home.

All these kings and queens in here, give it up!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

I'm looking for me a good black man. Sisters, are there any left?

AUDIENCE: No! [TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

Damn. I mean, I think we gotta, you know, we gotta

cool down on the brothers a little bit.

They not all gay, married,

in jail, or all three!

We just got to lower our standards.

Now I just want a brother with teeth. Fuck legs and arms,

I ain't spoiled.[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Shit, but I'm bitter.

People say, "Why you talk about men so much?

"Why you so bitter?" Fuck 'em, they're right.

I'm bitter. I just broke up with my man.

I told him I was leavin' him. He gonna get all crazy and deranged and choke me up.

Talking about, "Girl, you leave me,

"I'mma gonna whoop your ass.

"And call the police my damn self."

They buried his ass Tuesday.

Beat that, I ain't turnin' no bullshit out of my house.

Anybody seen Tina Turner's movie? Give it up.

Tina's a beautiful sister, but what I did not understand is,

she let ugly-ass Ike beat on her for 20 years.

Twenty years, it don't take but one second to pull the trigger, ladies.

Ike ugly-ass would have been dead a long time ago.

Then Tina got that dysfunction now.

She don't know which way she wanna go, don't know what the fuck to do with herself.

Fuckin' Tina up like that.

Shit. But now, you know, I'm trying to find a good black man, as I mentioned.

And I'm dating out of my religion now. I was dating a Muslim brother.

Any Muslims here? I'm gonna talk about your ass.

[LAUGHTER]

Don't get me wrong,

I wore my sheet and prayed to the East.

I did what I had to do. Everything was going smooth

till the brother came home and told me

he don't eat no pussy. 'Cause it's pork.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Now, ladies, ladies, ladies.

I did the only right thing. I got rid of his ass.

[APPLAUSE]

And got me a good pussy-eatin' Christian. Let the church say, "Amen!"

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Don't fuck with me and act like you don't know where downtown is!

I don't care how you get there, bogo if you got to.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Then you got brothers who wants you to be everything

from a superwoman to a gangsta bitch.

I had a brother tell me that, "Girl, you too soft.

"You too timid, I need me a gangsta bitch."

So, I shot his ass

and took the keys to the Benz.

That'll teach you brothers in 1994,

we are not bitches and hoes, we're your lovers, wives,

and mothers of your children. Peace.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Mugga!

With a name like Mugga, you shoulda known.

Look at the women, they're like, "Oh, shit."

Y'all happy now, ain't you?AUDIENCE: Yeah.

Y'all happy?AUDIENCE: Yeah.

We want you to give all these brothers some pussy.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Just talkin' shit.

Now, are y'all ready for the next comedian?

AUDIENCE: Damn. Is he funny?

Motherfuckers, that's aight with me.

This guy's from Chicago, Illinois, y'all.

Please welcome the one-man ride, Tony Sculfield!

Wassup! Make some noise!

Yeah! Y'all feel good?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!I feel great!

'Cause I've been sitting in the hotel doing my favorite hobby all day,

smoking good weed! And just analyzing the fuck out of life,

'cause you can do that on some good weed, right?

[INHALES SHARPLY]

To be...

Or not?[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Right? Weed, man. I love it, man. Food of champions, man.

I'm sitting up all day getting high and I love it

'cause you can just cool out. We need to go back to the weed days, man.

Nowadays, in the '90s, you're doing them crazy, damn drugs, man.

You know what I'm sayin'?

Let's go back to the weed days. There wasn't no violence,

wasn't no drive-bys, wasn't no gang bangin',

'cause there couldn't be. Just think about it!

You mighta wanted to fuck somebody up,

but if your ass smoked one of those good-ass joints,

by the time you got outside,

you forgot what that shit was all about!

You'd be in the car about to kill someone,

I'm gonna beat your motherfuckin'... Come on out, punk,

I'm gonna fuck your ass up. Yeah, come on out here. Fuck.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

What? A fight?[LAUGHTER]

No, man, I didn't say that shit about no fight, man.

I said, "I had the munchies. Did you wanna go get a bite?"

If you get high, don't watch Cops.

It'll make you mad, man.

'Cause is it just me, or are these not the dumbest

damn drug dealers you ever seen in your life?

Talkin' about cops come up to your house with a truckload of motherfuckin'...

Two camera... Laying audio cable on your lawn.

I'm looking at Copstoday, smokin' a joint in a hotel,

I had a disturbing moment. I'll be damned

if they didn't bust in on a guy while I was watchin' that shit,

with 11 pounds of weed.

That's what I said, "Whoo!" Eleven pounds of weed?

That shit made me realize one thing,

I could never be a cop.

Let me bust a motherfucker with 11 pounds of weed.

Let me do it!

I'd be breaking the door, I'd be like, "Freeze, mother...

"Get up against the wall."

Eleven pounds of weed!

Y'all sittin' up in here with 11 pounds?

How the hell'd you expect us to come in here and walk past

this 10 pounds of weed and not see it?

Nine pounds of damn weed

sittin' over here in the corner?

You think you was gonna get away with this eight pounds of weed?

We are takin' this seven pounds of weed down to the station,

and book your ass for possession of five pounds of weed, fool!

Shit, by the time I got back to the station,

Chief would be like, "Congratulations, Tony! Huge drug bust!

"How much did you get?" I'd be like, "Well, Chief,

"as I broke into the premises,

"I caught said suspects in the act of smokin' said joint,

"but they only smoked half of that motherfucker. Look at that, Chief.

"Can I go to lunch?"

Hey, Y'all been great, I'm Tony Sculfield, God bless you, I'm outta here.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Tony Sculfield! [LAUGHS]

Eleven pounds of weed.

That motherfucker's funny. Give him another round of applause, yo.

[APPLAUSE]

Goddamn! Shit!

Y'all get high? You smoke weed?

Come on, man. Nobody gonna tell, man.

He talking about, "He smoke weed."

He's tellin' off on your ass, man.

Cops should seize these two white motherfuckers, right here.

He don't need nothing else, they on tape,

admitting that shit.

Aight, y'all. Crankin' it up, crankin' it up, crankin' it up. Kid, you ready?

[CHUCKLES]

Aight, y'all. Give it up for Cedric the Entertainer!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Hello. How are ya?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Kill me! Everybody come out on the Def Jam, be hard, "Wassup!"

I just wanna get rich enough, you know, just be like Tina Turner.

I just wanna get an accent. That's all, you know, what I'm saying.

I don't wanna be like Michael Jackson, change my skin color.

Prince, you know, and change my name to a symbol.

I just wanna come out on stage, y'all see me be...

[BRITISH ACCENT] "Hello, New York, how are you?

"It's Cedric the Entertainer!"

A trip. I love singers, though, man.

See, I like... See, I like to go back to them old days, them old singers.

Like... like Al Green.

Shit, back in the day when your momma and daddy was together,

you know what I'm talking about?

You know, when your mommy and daddy was together back then!

Man, Al Green... Al Green songs. See, them Al Green songs.

They was like documentaries.

The song told you something.

You didn't have to ask no questions. The song told you what was gonna happen

all the way through the song, you know that.

It be Saturday morning, your momma got it on, you gotta clean up,

she got on that big old stereo.

You know, the one with the arm on it.

Come around right there, drop it on off and come on back over.

You know the one.

Tripped off that, man. See, you know, black folk like to eat...

Y'all like Chinese food?

See, they got the little Chinese restaurants in the black neighborhood.

You know, Chinese come to our 'hood to make some money, boy.

That's how you know you're in a black neighborhood.

Anywhere in the country, you just ride down the street,

it'd be a church, liquor store, Chinese place.

Church, liquor store, Chinese place.

Church, liquor store, check cashing place.

Chinese place be right there.

You ever trip on ordering Chinese food?

How long it takes them to say in Chinese,

the same thing you just said?

You're like, "Yeah, dog, let me get a small order

"shrimp fried rice, that's it."

"Small order shrimp fry?"

"Yeah, dog, that's it." "Me order for you."

[MIMICKING CHINESE]

"You want egg roll?"

No, partner, I ain't got the time. I'm gonna have to...

I'm Cedric the Entertainer!

[VOCALIZING]

Cedric the Entertainer, y'all!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Well, ladies and gentlemen,

♪ Now it's time to say goodbye

♪ To all my Negro friends

And bring the man that pay all the bills around here, every week,

Russell Simmons.

You gotta say what you say in Pig Latin, man.

Thanks for comin' out, God bless you, good night.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

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