Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

KID CAPRI: It's the Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for my main man,

Mr. Joe Torry!

Aw, man, I was groovin', Kid. Shit!

Give it up for DJ of the year, Kid Capri!

[CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Shit. Now, if y'all came up to laugh with me say, "Hell yeah!"

AUDIENCE: Hell yeah!

Aight then, won't have no shit in this motherfucker.

Just a whole lot of chucklin' and laughin' and a whole lotta shit.

I wanna see people fallin' and flippin' the fuck out from up there.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I'm sayin' don't be sittin' up there tryin' to be cute and shit,

throw some shit up. Throw your nuts up.

[WOMAN DOING TARZAN YELL]

For real.

Motherfucker, not like that.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

God damn Tarzan up there.

You ain't in no club, nigga!

Damn! Can't just let too many black people get too wild.

I want y'all to give a warm applause to the security that works this joint all the time.

Know what I'm sayin'? They keep everything love.[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

All of 'em. The big brothers on the door out there?

I don't fuck with them, they're just too God damn big.

And then, you know, the brothers outside, you know, the Muslims and stuff?

Give them a round of applause, 'cause they keep us safe, you know what I'm sayin'?

They keep it real safe.

As you know, you ain't about to fuck up around with no Muslims around.

I don't care where you at,

what you doin', you could be drunk on the corner cussin' somebody out,

"Bitch-ass, stink-ass..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"No, what I was trying to say to the young lady..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"...is that I didn't mean to call her a bitch.

"She may be a Nubian ho but she ain't no bitch."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Please forgive me."

You know what I'm sayin'? I mean, it's kinda weird, know what I'm sayin'?

When you get around, you just feel that, you know,

just that feeling you get, when you just can't fuck up,

'cause you know, brothers, they don't fuck around.

Muslims don't fuck around, I don't care who you are.

And I, you know, I like, walked past Farrakhan one time,

and I was like, you just got this feelin'.

I don't know if I could be a brother

'cause it seemed like if you just fucked up he would know.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You know what I'm sayin'? You could just be walkin' by [WHISTLING]

He'd be like, "Excuse me, my brother, come here."

Like, "Me?" "Yeah, somethin' ain't right about you."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"What you mean, somethin' ain't right?"

"No, you thinkin' about sleepin' with that pretty white girl there, ain't you?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"I don't know what you talkin' about, mister."

"Yeah, you thinkin' about going to the ribs stand,

"gettin' a big ole' slab of pork ribs, ain't you?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Don't... Don't know what you talkin' about."

"Uh-huh, you thinkin' about cussin' that girl

"that didn't give you no ass last night, ain't cha?"

[SOBBING] "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

"How'd you know? How'd you know? How'd you know?"

"I have sinned, I'm sorry."

"Get up, my brother. Sin, that's the wrong religion!"

[LAUGHING]

So, we do something different here, on the Def Jamnow.

Since we're doin' it in '94,

I asked y'all to a do a little something with me, and you gotta participate,

and those who don't, I will snap your ass about this motherfucker.

Now, you motherfuckers seen it before.

If you got cable, you know truly,

I will tear you a new asshole if you don't participate.

Now, when I ask you all,

"Are y'all ready for the next comedian?"

You all say, "Damn, is he funny?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And you move your head just like this.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

See the look on my face?

We goin' this way.

Aight, we been havin' motherfuckers fuckin' up.

White folks jumpin' up doin' this shit.

Bumpin' each other heads, that way.

We going this way.

Everybody this way.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Don't do it and see what happens.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Surely you will make HBO history up in this motherfucker.

Your daddy be laughin' at you,

"Mother fucker, why didn't you move your head?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Embarrass me like that live on TV, my son."

Here we go. Are y'all ready for the next comedian?

AUDIENCE: Damn, is he funny?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Hell yeah. You saw this guy. He's like a regular on Arsenio Hall.

He was in Do The Right Thing, back here for the second time,

from New York but now live in LA.

This boy's bad. Give it up for Steve White!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Come on!

[LAUGHING] I'm the most rhythm-less brother in the place, man.

I can't dance for shit. Wassup, y'all? How y'all feeling?

AUDIENCE: Aight.Thank you, Mr. Capri.

I can't get them dances down, man.

I'm trying to get that... That...

What is this shit here?

Come on, man, fuck the air!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

That rap music will do it to you, though, man.

Y'all like rap music, yeah?AUDIENCE: Yeah!

It will do it to you, man.

Everybody's getting into it, man.

Black music is number one!

Everybody trying to cash in, like Sinatra.

You see what Sinatra did on his latest CD?

He's singin' with Anita Baker, Luther Vandross,

Dionne Warwick, Snoop Dogg.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Now, women...

Women are all up in arms about this Lorena Bobbitt girl...

Look at the ladies, whoo-hoo!

[CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Yay!

You know, Mr. Bobbitt must of had a little white dick, though.

I mean, you just can't cut off a dick,

'cause you dealing with tissue, muscle, blood, bone.

Bone? Is there bone in there?

Look at the ladies, "No, we'd choke on that. No. No bone on there."

But he must of had, like, a little small white dick,

a little, there it is, "Okay, bye!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

'Cause black women have different ways

to get back at their men if they fuck 'em over,

like Al Green's woman. Hot grits?

Remember that? That "Argh!" Hot grits?

Al Green's woman shoulda got together with Lorena Bobbitt.

They coulda had a nice breakfast stand going.

Little grits and sausage.

[LAUGHING]

'Cause you just can't cut off a black dick.

Black man smack his woman, "Oh, no.

"You are never gonna smack me again.

"Oh, we are not gonna have this.

"I tell you what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna cut off your dick!"

[SCREAMING]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Ah, fuck it. Just don't do it again."

Peace. My name is Steve White. I'm dope.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Steve White, y'all.

Crazy-ass Steve White.

Every time I hear the dick jokes, though,

my dick just get the flitchin' inside,

so I had to walk that shit off.

Just like all the rest of the men's dicks, too.

Shit ain't funny, man. Having your dick cut off.

Even thinking about this shit.

Bad enough, you know, God gave us, like,

the shit that kill us just hittin' on our nuts.

Drop you to your knees. That's pain. Shit, that's some pain, man.

Don't know why God did that to us, man.

And women always doing that shit.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Wanna play that shit.

You be like, "Aight. I'm gonna fuck you up soon as the pain go away.

"You got ten seconds."

'Cause you know that shit don't hurt right away.

Motherfucker, you could be chasin' their ass, they can hit it and you get...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"When I come to, kick you in your shit!"

Aight. Are y'all ready for the next comedian?

AUDIENCE: Damn, is he funny?

Hey, hey, hey. Wait.

Somebody passin' around a bottle in this motherfucker or somethin'?

Have you motherfuckin' lost it, drunk?

"Damn, is he..." No.

No. It's, "Damn, is he funny?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And don't let me have to show y'all no more times, okay?

One more time I'm gonna show you this, aight?

Now, are y'all ready for the next comedian?

AUDIENCE: Damn, is he funny?

Hell yeah. From Chicago Illinois

give it up for my man, Mr. Deon Cole.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Hey, how y'all motherfuckers feelin' tonight?

Y'all straight?

AUDIENCE: Yeah.

Yeah, I'm fucked up, aight?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I mean, I'm from Chicago, and in Chicago

no matter where the fuck we go, we got to roll us a joint or a blunt,

I'm tellin' you.

If I go to a jamboree, I'm rolling me some jamboree joints.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

If I go to a Bar Mitzvah, rollin' me some Bar Mitzvah blunts.

But since I'm here tonight,

I had to roll me a fat-ass Russell Simmons' Def Comedyblunt.

Only thing I need now is my jokes.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

No, I gotta use these motherfuckers

'cause by gettin' high, man, I forget every motherfuckin' thing there is to know.

One day I forgot how to spell "of."

That's two motherfuckin' letters.

I'm sitting up like, "Okay, I'm gonna do...

"Of..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Of."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Okay there's a V in that motherfucker somewhere."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Another time, though, we black people,

we don't need to reason to get fucked up.

It could be a nice-ass day outside, a shitty-ass day, what do we do?

What up, yo? Let's go get fucked up.

The weekend here, let's get fucked up.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Boring-ass Wednesday, might as well get fucked up.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

"Hey, man. Hey, my girl pregnant, man!"

"Damn, that's fucked up."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Wanna get fucked up?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And I hate a girl that live in the projects.

Not just the fact that she live in the projects, don't get me wrong.

It's the fact that she don't tell you she live in the projects.

I picked this girl up one time.

She took me out to a Mexican food restaurant

that was black-owned.

I ordered a chicken fajita in this motherfucker.

They brought my shit back, these bastards and put gravy on my shit,

a big-ass biscuit on the side of that motherfucker.

I'm like, "Look, just wrap my shit up, I'm about to go."

You know, "Look sweetheart, I got one more blunt. We can smoke this motherfucker

"and I'm taking your ass home. Now, where you live at?"

She told me, "Keep straight."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Make a right."

I pull up to her motherfuckin' crib, I look around. I'm like,

"Oh, you live in the projects, huh, baby?"

No, there ain't nothin' wrong with it in this shit, you know,

it's just all these motherfuckers keep walking

around my car and shit, you know.

And I can't keep my eye on all these son of a bitches

walking around my shit.

I'm high and paranoid and shit.

I don't need this shit right now.

You know what she told me?

"Don't worry about them, just walk me to my door."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Bitch, who gonna walk me back to my car?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Your selfish ass worrying about how you gonna get home safe!

Better get some of these motherfuckers

you done grew up with around this bitch to walk you home safe.

Lotta things, man.

Like yesterday, I was sitting, like...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Did I... Did I do that joke about the projects?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yeah.

Oh, aight. I kinda forgot.

Damn, wassup, brother? How you doing?

No, I'm talking... Not your ass, him right there.

That big black motherfucker in the back. How you doing?

Nothin', man, you a black motherfucker, ain't you?

Bet you, when you get in your car,

the oil light just pop on in that motherfucker, don't it?

I bet your shadows is light skinned, ain't they, motherfucker?

You look familiar as hell, bro.

Where you from?

MAN: Jersey.Jersey?

I just... No, you not from Jersey.

I saw him on the expressway, y'all, on the way here.

You tryin' to play that shit off, ain't you?

He was on the freeway, y'all.

Rollerbladin' down the freeway.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Butt... Butt naked.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

With a belt on, and a beeper on his belt.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Naked, with a pair of suede BluBlockers.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And a KIIS FM bumper sticker on his ass.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I'm Deon Cole, y'all. Good night!

[CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Oh, shit.

Next guy, y'all, he been at the Apollo ten times. Damn!

From Newark, New Jersey, please welcome Willie Asbury!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Give it up for Joe Torry. Give him a round of applause.

[APPLAUDING]

Woo! Aw man, it's great being here, man.

And I was looking at y'all from the back,

give yourselves a round of applause 'cause y'all look great.

Give yourselves a round of applause.

See, black people, we got it goin' on.

We got talent. We got everything.

We got everything goin' on, especially the black women in the 90s,

give them a round of applause 'cause they doin' great.

Workin', workin', workin'!

I'm telling you, man.

How many people, by round of applause, seen the Holyfield fight?

Holyfield, Bowe?

Two great fighters!

I couldn't be a fighter, man. You get punched in the head, you forget things.

Yeah, I'm telling you, man. I'm telling you, man.

Like Mitch Green, you ask him his name,

"What's your name?" "Mi..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Mi... Mi, mi, uh, meh... Red."

It's Green!

"Yeah, Green."

I'm telling you, man.

Like, look at Ali. Ali don't talk as fast as he used to.

Remember how Ali used to talk real fast?

"Live tonight, Howard Cosell, speaking of sports,

"let's go over, talk to the man, Muhammad Ali. A great fighter.

"Muhammad, tell me, in your own words,

"how do you feel about the man we all know as Iron Mike Tyson tonight?"

"Well, first of all, I wanna say, I'm the greatest of all time,

"heavyweight champ of the world.

"Whooped Joe Frazier, Sonny Liston, Ken Norton, fast, pretty.

"Why I'm so fast and I'm so pretty,

"I got the right complexion, the right connection,

"keep me strong movin' in the right direction.

"Howard, thank you very much. Howard you're ugly, stupid, decrepit.

"You're the only man I know that wears the same toupee with a different color suit.

"You ain't gonna be nothin'. I'm..."

"If you're so great, then why did you make d-CON commercials?

"Tell us that."

"Well, Howard, the reason I made d-CON is because you a roach.

"Your mother a roach. Your father a roach.

"Everybody in your family...

"You're ugly, I'm the greatest."

See? But he don't talk like that now.

I know for a fact 'cause I had the honor of meeting him three weeks ago.

I saw him at McDonald's.

Yeah, I was orderin' a Happy Meal.

Took him all day to get his order in.

Thousand cars sittin' there waitin' for this one car to order.

Muhammad Ali's sittin' in it.

"Take your order please?" "Yeah. I want fries, Pepsi, Coke,

"fries, Pepsi, Coke,

"fries, Pepsi, Coke."

A new shift came on.

"Fries, Pepsi, Coke."

And Mike Tyson doesn't sound nothin' like he look, does he?

When I first heard Mike Tyson speak, speak, y'all, I died laughin'.

I said, here's a guy, 220 pounds, all muscle,

look like Robocop, and sounds like Roger Rabbit.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

They brought him out, "Here he is,

"the WBC champion of the world, Mike Tyson."

[DOING ROBOCOP IMPRESSION]

[SQUEAKY VOICE] "Hello. My name's Mike Tyson."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"I'm the heavyweight champion of the world. No one can beat me.

"No one can beat me. I'm fast, I'm free."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"A lot of people say things about me..."

[MUMBLING RAPIDLY] "I am a champ. I am a champ. I am a champ."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"I went to the same college as Elmer J. Fudd, uh... And I am a great fighter.

"I'm telling you, no one can beat me."

The day I met him I asked Leon Spinks... You remember Leon?

Right, I asked him about this fight between Holyfield and Mike Tyson,

"Leon, how do you feel about the fight?"

Leon said, "Eh..." [MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Shit. You know what I mean?"

[CONTINUES MUMBLING]

And Muhammad Ali was standing behind him,

"I want fries, Pepsi, Coke..."

Thank you very much.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Yeah, so, y'all.

Hell yeah, y'all gotta give it up to this man from Los Angeles, California.

You've seen him everywhere, my man Speed!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

'Sup, New York?

AUDIENCE: Wassup?What's happenin'? What's happenin'?

This big brother over here, boy, what's happenin', man?

Nigger had a beeper on.

Who gonna page you, the Colonel?

[LAUGHING]

"Got those rotisseries, homey. Come on."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

All these beautiful women. Where y'all men at?

Probably at home watching them badass kids.

He's probably sittin' like, "Y'all sit your ass down!"

"You ain't our daddy!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"I'll whoop your ass like I'm your daddy!"

"And I'll page my mama!

"Mama, he trippin'! That man you left here, he trippin'."

I'm from LA, earthquakes, fires.

I know y'all heard about that fire though, man.

Fire... In LA.

I tripped off the white reporters

'cause they was reporting in the fire.

This one white lady was like, "Hey, I'm Judy. I'm in the fire. It's hot.

"Flames are everywhere!"

You know damn well no brother ain't going to report in no fire.

The brothers was at the station going,

"If you look here in the monitor, see?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Hotter than a motherfucker."

And white people snap.

The white guy snapped. They asked him, you know,

how he felt about his house burning up.

He snapped like a wild one.

"How do you feel? Your house just burned up?"

"How the fuck do you think I feel?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"I gotta move to my other house."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

One white guy burned up going to get his cat.

That'd never happen to a brother.

Brother ain't even going back to get his mama.

"Hey, Mama! Fire! Bring the cat!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

How many guys like it? Brothers clap your hands

if you like it when your girl go down on you?

Brothers clap. You like that.

I love that, man. I love it.

The best part about making love is when both y'all come at the same time.

That's the thing.

Y'all both coming.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Shoot, me and my girl were doing it so good one night

she jumped up like she was in a Knick's game, y'all.

She was like...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

Oh, man. And I'm here to say I date sisters, and sisters only.

I think there's nothing better for a black man than a beautiful black sister.

Y'all give yourself a round of applause.

'Cause fellas, you know, you can date a white girl, and get away with anything.

A matter of fact, she help you a lot.

You come home about 6:00, 7:00 in the morning.

She's like, "Where the hell have you been? With your friends?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Hell yeah."

"Where'd you guys go? To the movies?"

"Oh, hell, yeah."

You can't do that with no sister, though,

'cause anything after 2:00, she'll come looking for you.

With the kids.

"Man-man, go on that side. See-see your dad.

"Che-che...

"You go over there and see-see your dad!"

You look real stupid at the club going, "Hey..."

"Daddy?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

But you can call a white girl up, give her any reason

why you're not gonna be home, right?

Be like, "Hello, Barbie?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"No, I ain't gonna be home tonight. I'm gonna play some hockey."

Barbie'll come by the house anyway.

Lights could be on, car could be in the driveway, she can hear voices.

Barbie's sittin' outside going,

"Well, hell. He's not there."

Shoot, let that be Tamika.

Tamika come by your house, lights could be off.

Car be round the corner,

for rent sign on the grass.

Eviction notices all over your shit.

Tamika be at the door like this...

[KNOCKING]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

"He in there."

[CONTINUES KNOCKING]

See, fellas, y'all don't know. Ladies, y'all don't know.

We be in the house like this, "Bitch, get down.

"She gonna whoop your ass. You better get down."

May God bless y'all. Peace, I'm Speed.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

JOE TORRY: Speed in the house.

Fuck you, Kid. I don't need you, man.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Make it back up here without you!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Before I go I wanna give a shout-out to, you know, for...

JOE TORRY: What fuck you doin', man?

Russell Simmons, y'all!

[CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]Give it up for him.

Say somethin' different.

Say somethin' different, man.

Don't y'all want to hear him say something different?AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Thanks for coming out. God bless, good night.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

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