Original subtitles

[MUSIC PLAYING]

KID CAPRI: It's the Russell Simmons'Def Comedy Jam.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for my main man,

Mr. Joe Torry.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Wassup?

Y'all came out to laugh with me, "Hell yeah!"

AUDIENCE: Hell yeah!

All right, then. We gonna rock this motherfucker tonight.

Give it up to God damn Kid Capri in the God damn booth.

Give it to his ass.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND WHISTLING]

Sexy-ass beige motherfucker.

Kid Capri get a lot of pussy.

That's from Def Jam. Don't you, kid? Tell us about it.

What you got that I ain't got, kid?

And don't say a big dick, I know you're gonna go there.

Ain't got shit.

Now you know you ain't goin' get shit. It's a damn shame.

Hey, hey, hey, all you black people coming out to see me.

Appreciate that shit. You know, kind of life after Martin, you know.

You know how you be looking at motherfucker like,

"All right, nigger. We miss that motherfucker. You better fill them shoes."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

'Cause I'm here to tell you, though, it's a new sheriff in town

and his name is Uncle Joey.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

So y'all gotta be good.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Getting hot up here with that God damn motherfucking hat on and shit,

but I gotta wear that shit this year.

And lover baby...

[WOMEN CHEERING]

Where my man Charles Oakley at in the house? Where you at? Big Charlie in the house!

[CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

You wore the hat, man. That's cool.

Motherfuckers like him, black motherfuckers like me and him.

Big, black motherfucker. How you doing, man? You cool?

I love that motherfucker, that man.

Hang out sometime in the summer when his ass is doing his shit.

Who's this other motherfucker in front of you, man?

I... I don't recognize him right off the bat.

Motherfucker look like he about to jump.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Crazy motherfucker. Jump!

All right. You jump down and get that ass beat.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

It's New York, motherfucker. Don't think these niggers goin' accept that shit.

Who are you, man? Who are you?

Let me know if I'm missing out on something. Onyx?

Oh, you are coming up, motherfucker.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

That's all he had to say, was, "Ah."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Well, old man, coming out... Coming out again. Y'all came by before and shit.

Man, I didn't recognize you without the bald heads and shit.

You hear what I'm saying? That's the hook shit.

KID CAPRI: Hey, Joe.What?

Hey! What's up, Kid?

Hi, Joe.How you doing?

You look great in black, Joe.Thank you. Thank you.

You two beige motherfuckers look good back there in the booth.

Hey.JOE: You fucked up.

KID CAPRI: Let's not be jealous now.

That'll get you nowhere, Joseph.

Kid... Kid, see, look at you. Kid got a... Two kids. Ain't that a bitch?

JOE: Kid...

Kid, you had to find you a beige partner 'cause I got my black partner.

What the fuck's up?

Smile so I can see you, Joe.JOE: Oh, okay.

[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING]

Through the heart. Hit me through the heart.

Just keeping you on your toes, Joe.

Shut the fuck up, beige-ass motherfucker and I was gonna be nice.

No, you started this shit, kid, though.

I love you, man. I love you... I love you because you goin'...

They goin' gang up on me and shit and do that kick shit on the motherfucker.

Anyway, are y'all ready for the next comedian?

AUDIENCE: Damn, is he funny?

JOE: All right.

Coming to y'all, he was born in Jamaica, but now he lives in New York.

Give it up for Ian Edwards.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Booyaka... Booyaka... Booyaka.

Booyaka... Booyaka... Booyaka.

Booyaka. Booyaka... Everybody, booyaka.

AUDIENCE: Booyaka.

White man, Booyaka... Booyaka.

What the fuck is a booyaka?

I don't know, we just say it.

People think Jamaican people are crazy, man. You believe that shit?

Especially after my man shot that shit up on the train.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Like we all related and shit.

But I say, "Fuck it. If somebody think you crazy,

"use that shit to your advantage."

The other day some brothers tried to rob me, man.

Said to me they had a gun and said, "Yo, my man, wassup?

"Give me your watch, your wallet. Give me that shit right now."

So I was like, "Maybe they don't know I'm Jamaican.

If I let 'em know, maybe I'll get out this shit.

I was like, "You want to bumbaclot rob me?

"You want to take my rasta bumbaclot watch and wallet?

"Take it with you bumbaclot back.

"Come, rasta, take it so you think y'all fucking bad."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[WHISTLING]

They was like, "Damn, man. We didn't know you was Jamaican and shit."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Go ahead."

I was like, "Damn, this shit works.

"I can use this shit anywhere I go."

So I'm driving down south in my piece-of-shit car.

Car break down in the woods in the middle of a Ku Klux Klan rally.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Some of you ain't laughing, 'cause you was there.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

So the wizard stepped up to me,

"Excuse me, son, but you kind of in the wrong place at the wrong time.

"See, me and the fellas here planning on having a necktie party

"and we want you to wear the tie."

I was like, "Maybe he don't know I'm Jamaican.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Maybe I can get out of this shit."

I said, "You want to bumbaclot hang me?

"You want to put the rope around me neck.

"Come touch me with your fucking bat.

"Come bumbaclot touch me. Me no scared. Come touch me.

"Me no scared. Come touch me."

He was like,

"Damn, well, son, you didn't have to act up like that.

"We didn't know you was one of dem there Jamaicans."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Fellas, fix his car and let him go."

I was like, "Damn, this shit works. I could get away with shit."

So I'm back in New York City, I'm on the train.

It's rush hour.

There ain't no seats left on the train,

but I figure I should get a seat because I'm Jamaican.

I see this one dude sitting in a seat.

I said, "Yo, my man, what's up? Give me that seat.

"Get out that fucking seat right now before I punch you in your head.

"Get out that fucking seat."

My man get out the seat,

"You want this bumbaclot seat?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"You want this rasta seat, come take it."

[AUDIENCE WHISTLING]

I was like, "My man, I didn't know you was Jamaican, man."

And let me hear some noise if y'all like reggae music in the house.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

I love reggae music. I grew up on reggae music.

I just got one problem with reggae music.

Why the reggae artists remake every fucking song you hear on the radio?

I heard New York, New York by Frank Sinatra in reggae.

Anybody here ever hear Kumbayain reggae?

Last Christmas, I heard Jingle Bellsin reggae.

Jinglefucking Bells.

And the DJ always act like he made the shit up himself.

DJ come up,

"This one is an original."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"This song dedicated to the man called Santa.

"Come down selecta."

♪ Come and say Dashing through the snow on a one man open

♪ Booyaka, booyaka

♪ Come and say jingle, jingle ♪

[CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Later. Later. Later. Later. Later. Later.

My name is Ian Edwards. Peace, y'all.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Ian Edwards in the house.

Shit. All right, all right, all right.

Bam!

I'm back.

So I'm goin' ask y'all.

Are y'all ready for the next comedian?

AUDIENCE: Damn, is he funny?

Hell, yeah. Give yourself a round of applause.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

And please welcome to the stage, from Philly, Keith Robinson.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Give it up. Come on, put those hands together, everybody.

Come on, doggone. Everybody put their hands together.

I don't want nobody with... Come on, give me some love in this damn place.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]There we go.

Oh, man. Crazy-ass New York. Here I am.

From Philadelphia. New York... I can't stand New York, man.

Especially these damn terrorists.

Terrorists piss me the hell off. They're stupid.

I mean, don't get me wrong. Not because they want to blow up shit,

it's the shit they want to blow up that's pissing me the hell off.

Right here they're talking about,

"We're going to blow up the Holland Tunnel."

"Fuck the Holland tunnel. Blow up the toll booths, God damn it."

That's what I say.

You gonna blow some shit up, make sure it's the right stuff, God damn it.

'Cause you know if they blow up the Holland Tunnel

and you happen to survive after they dug your ass up,

you're still gonna have to pay some tolls, man.

"Hey, man, what the hell you doing?"

Things are... I hate every damn thing, man. Uncross your arms, man.

He's all crossed like, "I'm not gonna pay a lot for that muffler."

Cut your arms up.

Loosen the hell up.

We ready to get this shit on tonight.

America's Most Wanted. I hate that show.

Did you ever see that show, America's Most Wanted? It's bullshit.

First of all, it's racist.

Little white kid missing, any amount of money is good enough.

"One hundred million dollars. Who's seen Becky?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

A little black kid missing, it's a different story.

"All right, $50 and a bucket of chicken. Who's seen his ass?

"Oh, come on, God damn it, who's seen him?

"Come on, get your chicken, God damn it.

"Chicken and electric slide. You love that. Come on and get it."

I'm goin' tell y'all the truth, though.

See, people get up here and talk about black and white.

There's no real difference between black and white. We all the damn same.

I mean the different... The neighborhoods. It's the same damn thing.

Only one major difference. That's all, man.

And white folks take it for granted.

Like in a white neighborhood, you can walk your shopping cart all the way to your car.

And that's the only difference, God damn it.

Oh shit, come on, y'all know

in the black neighborhoods our shopping carts are on chains.

While you're shopping.

"Hey, man. Can I get some slack, God damn it?

"I'm trying to get to the frozen food section.

"What the hell is going on?"

See, but what we got to realize, man,

is black folks, we're very sensitive. We are.

'Cause everybody who's come through the black neighborhood

make money except for us.

We made no money.

The Muslims, they tried, but their shit was too high.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And they would always give you a history lesson on why it was that damn high.

You can go in and ask for a simple box of Cap'n Crunch,

they would get upset with you.

"Excuse me. How much for the box of Cap'n Crunch?"

"Seven-Fifty."

"God damn, $7.50 for Cap'n Crunch?"

"So you don't know the story of Cap'n Crunch, do you, my brother?

"Do you my brother?

"Cap'n Crunch was a black man but you wouldn't know that shit, would you, brother?

"'Cause while you was home picking boogies and flicking 'em,

"Cap'n Crunch was over in Africa making Crunchberries.

"But you wouldn't know that shit, would you, brother?

"I'm not finished yet. They stole him away, sold him over to slavery.

"His real name was Kunta Krunch,

"but you wouldn't know that shit, would you, brother?"

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Hey, you guys, it's been great. My name is Keith Robinson. Peace.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

JOE: Keith, God damn right.

I want to give a shout to my man, Busta Rhymes in the house.

Who the crew you got with you, man, Method Man?

And your voice is just like that, man.

For people who don't know, his voice is actually like that.

[IMITATING BUSTA RHYMES VOICE]

Now, how did you cheat when you was in class growing up, man?

On a test, how you be like, "psst,"

[DEEP VOICE] "What's the answer?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Motherfucker in other classrooms be like,

"Busta Rhymes cheating again."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Digable Planets, how y'all doing?

Get 'em a fucking round of applause.

Where the girl at, man?

Y'all come out without that old pretty-ass girl.

Y'all did my school at homecoming,

Lincoln University in Missouri. Remember that shit?

I caught y'all, man.

Soiree, I didn't see you up there. My bad, man.

Soiree and P.M. Dawn in the house, man.

What's up with y'all?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

I don't know how I missed your big ass, man.

I don't know how I missed them and shit.

Cool though, man. You know they...

Don't it look like he would come out with just a hard-ass fucking voice.

Make some, [MUMBLING] like shit.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

All right. Are y'all ready for the next comedian?

AUDIENCE: Damn, is he funny?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Sexy-ass girl, too. Give it up from Camden, New Jersey,

Tasha Smith.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Y'all can give it up again, God damn it. Give it up!

[CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

And all these fine brothers up in this motherfucker, give it up for them too. Shit.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

The white boys look okay.

They all right, but I'm just not fucking none of them motherfuckers, okay.

For real, because I had a white guy, he had the nerve to ask me

if he could chain me the fuck up.

Talking 'bout, "Come on... Come on.

"Come on, please. Come on.

"Just for old time's sake."

Now, you know I said, "Fuck that.

"Next thing you gonna be asking me to pick your ass some cotton, right?"

But y'all know if it was a brother, a black man with a big dick

and he would ask if he could chain me up, shit, I would have been like,

"Chain me up, motherfucker,

"but you better take it to the motherfucking bridge."

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

That's right, 'cause I ain't getting chained up for nothing. God damn, shit.

Tried that shit with a Mexican.

I said, "Chain me up and take whatever the fuck you want."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Closed my eyes and the motherfucker robbed me.

Woke up, my coochie was gone and shit.

And, you know, black people, when we get robbed, we worry about crazy shit.

My uncle got robbed. Came home, TV's gone, VCR's gone,

he came home talking about,

"God damn it, they took the fried chicken.

"And Laquita, they took your weave. God damn."

Now me, being the weave wearing woman that I am...

Yeah, that's right. I got a weave

and I'm gonna always have a weave too.

Fuck that, I need a weave and a perm.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I ain't lying. I mean 'cause my shit is short and knotty by nature, okay.

I'm telling you, if it wasn't for hair weaves, I'd be a member of the skinheads.

And isn't it true when you have a weave?

You can't even make love with a weave.

You start making love, nigger start pulling on your shit,

"Hold up... Hold up...

"Hold up. Don't fuck with my weave."

One brother got carried away. Woke up, my shit was on the pillow.

I went and got the needle and thread and said, "Look, motherfucker,

"you goin' have to put this shit back in, okay. Don't fuck with my shit."

And let me tell you, I'm sick of these niggers

that ain't taking care of their kids.

I mean really.[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

And I just don't mean a black man.

I mean any ignorant motherfucker

that's not taking care of his God damn kids.

Take care of these kids, respect these women.

I'm saying because they don't respect us sometimes.

I mean, you can have a kid by a nigger, right,

and you can be fucking with him for five years

and have five kids, and you ain't shit

but his baby's mother.

You know what I'm saying?

I mean, because it would be fucked up

if shit would just change around on y'all's asses.

It would have been fucked up if Adam would have fucked

with that apple instead of Eve's stupid ass, okay.

It would be fucked up if we could do the same shit to y'all

that y'all do to us like fuck you, get you pregnant,

them leave your asses, okay.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

I mean, really. Could you imagine if we just fuck you, get you pregnant,

and then leave your ass, then you be calling us up like a bitch.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Just like a bitch.

Talking about, "Yo, Tasha."

"Yeah, what's up, nigger?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"I'm pregnant." "What, nigger? Didn't you say you was on the pill?

"Oh no, it ain't mine, nigger. What? You just want my money, nigger?"

Change that shit around because then you'll be with your new man,

just chillin' at the club.

He'll come and talk about, "Tasha."

"Yeah, what's up, nigger?"

"We need money for Pampers.

"This welfare's not supporting us."

And then your new man he be like, "Who that nigger?"

"Oh, that nigger? Oh, that's my baby's father."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Change that shit around. I'm out. Peace.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

About to do the dick dance. Tasha, y'all.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

It's goin' be done now. Let's go.

Y'all ready for the next comedian?

AUDIENCE: Damn, is he funny?

Hell, yeah. Y'all seen him in a lot of fucking movies.

This motherfucker's blowing up, blowing up, blowing up.

Originally from DC., live in New York, live in LA., everywhere.

This motherfucker's bad.

Give it up for my boy, Dave Chappelle.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Hey. Damn, man. Back on the jam again.

What's up, y'all? Feel good?

I feel delicious tonight. Man, check this out.

I was counting my money today

and then all of a sudden... You ever do this, fellas,

where you count money, you feel good,

and you just want to call up an old girlfriend just to gloat and shit.

I called one of my girls. I got all nervous in my stomach

just like I used to when I called. I wasn't scared of her.

Uh-uh.

It's her punk-ass mother.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Every time I call the house her mother answer the phone.

Mean as shit. "Hello!"

I put on my best phone manners. "Hi. How are you?

"May I speak to Shirley, please?"

"Who dis?"

"Oh, this is David Chappelle."

"Hold on, motherfucker."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Shirley! Telephone, you little slut. What? Oh, hello."

"Yes?"

"Shirley's taking a shit. She'll call you back."

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Oh, my goodness. There are four white people in the audience tonight.

I've never seen so many white... Hey, how y'all doing?

I know y'all might feel uncomfortable right now

because you're the only white people here,

but you're not in any dan... Hey, look.

[MUMBLING IN FAKE AFRICAN LANGUAGE]

It's all right. They know you're with me so ain't gonna fuck...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Racist remarks, worst.

I don't feel uncomfortable being a minority.

That's like a small, small taste of what it's like to be a black...

Like, I know you been here tonight just tripping.

Like, "Damn, they keep calling each other nigger. Wow."

Obviously... Why do black people call each other nigger?

Let me ask black people. How many black people in this audience tonight

would be angry if they were called a nigger by anyone other than a black person?

By round of applause.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

See, I used to be just like y'all.

I used to get mad, but let me ask you a question.

Who decided the word nigger would make black people mad for the rest of history?

How did they come up with that?

Did they have like a big meeting back in the 1600s?

"Order! Order!

"We need to figure out a name

"to call those black people we found over there in Africa.

"The floor is now open for suggestions."

"Bubba."

"Why don't we call 'em wieners?"

"Wieners... Wieners. I don't know."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Why don't you use it in a sentence for me?"

"All right."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Get off my God damn porch, you wiener."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"No, I'm sorry. I don't like it.

"Remember, gentlemen, they have those big penises.

"We don't want to flatter them. We're trying to offend them.

"Keep it derogatory.

"Ezekiel."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Ezekiel get it on.

"Why don't we call them no-gooders?"

"No-gooders. No-gooders. Let me... Let me try,

"Get off my porch, you no-gooder."

"I'm sorry.

"Doesn't quite flow off my tongue correctly."

[MUMBLING]

"Tell me the syllables.

"Ah, Ebenezer."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Ebenezer had them,

"Why don't we call 'em niggers for short?"

The whole meeting went crazy.

"Niggers." "Niggers." "Niggers." "Niggers." "Order! Order!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Let me try it out in a sentence first.

"Get off my porch,

"you nigger!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Sounds beautiful."

"Oh, the possibilities!

"Up against the wall, nigger."

"Pick that cotton, nigger."

"This cab don't go to Harlem 'cause we don't trust niggers."

Some deep shit, right?

But I mean, like, people always think racism is one-sided,

but some people have like little racist attitudes towards white people, too.

I know, man. I'm gonna tell you the truth. When I was little,

I used to think all white people were happy just to be white.

I thought y'all sit around,

"Fucking-A, I'm white."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"This feels great.

"Taxi! Just checking."

Boom! Good night.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Dave Chappelle.

Shit, give him another round of applause.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Y'all have a good time listening to us niggers?

That motherfucker. Oh, clever-ass, funny-ass shit.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And bring up the head nigger in charge who pay the bills.

Say something different, man.

Want to say something different?Yeah.

Thanks for coming out. God bless. Goodnight.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

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