Original subtitles

[THEME SONG PLAYING]

KID CAPRI: It's the Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for my main man, Mr. Joe Torry.

I don't need your motherfucking ass, kid. Fuck you.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I feel this shit. Give it up for Kid Capri, y'all.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Shit.

Y'all came out to laugh let me hear you say "hell yeah!"

AUDIENCE: Hell, yeah.

All right then. We can get started in this motherfucker.

How you doing, Mr. White man?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You with me, man? All right... All right.

I just finished watching one of your friends on TV.

Nancy Kerrigan.

Ice skater got beat in the leg with a pole and shit.

Why the fuck they put that shit on the God damn... Why the fuck?

They put stupid shit on the news. Piss me off.

You know what I'm saying?

'Cause they kept lookin' like The Young and the Restless and shit, and I was like...

I'm like sitting there, you know, like, looking at the shit like,

"Yeah, what the fuck goin' happen, okay?"

"Special report." What the fuck?

We got war? What the fuck going on?

What the fuck happening?

What the fuck? They talking about, uh, Nancy Kerrigan coming in live.

Who the fuck is Nancy Kerrigan?

She's sitting over there, "And I... [BLUBBERING]

"And I was skating and they just started beating me in my leg and beating..."

So what, bitch?

Motherfucker, I'm missing the plot. God damn it, take her off.

I mean, I care about it and shit, but God damn, ain't no prime time shit.

Stopping the God damn shit. They put stupid shit on the damn news.

Menendez trial. Y'all been watching that shit?

Two white boys shot they fucking family up.

Tell me they was abused. "They tried to fuck us."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Hey, fuck them. I'm goin' shoot his daddy in the head,

shoot his mama in the head 'cause they fucked them when they was kids.

Fucked 'em 'til they was like about 16.

If you 16-years-old and you still getting fucked and don't know the difference,

that shit don't happen to black people.

They ain't goin' let that shit happen.

Been fucking 'em all their life and they went crazy.

"Pop... Pop... Pop."

Like trying to say, "I was abused all my life."

They hit and beat and that shit.

That ain't abuse, you motherfuckers.

That ain't abuse. I'll tell you what fuckin' abuse is.

Abuse is being beat with a Hot Wheels track in front of your classmates.

That's abuse.[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

That's motherfucking abuse.

Mentally and physically like a motherfucker.

'Cause then you got the tracks on your arms.

At lunchtime, what's happening?

Kids running cars up and down your back and shit.

That's motherfucking abuse.

That other shit is just punishments and shit.

What it... I'll tell you what else is God damned abuse,

and everybody, raise your hand to this.

And this is what my daddy did. My daddy used to beat me with an old army boot.

That's motherfucking abuse. "Pow! Now eat your supper."

Motherfucking how?

Lips swollen like a motherfucker.

Blood drippin' all on the plate. How the fuck how?

Crazy-ass shit, man.

Tell you what else is abuse. And everybody raise your fucking hands. You know this.

Abuse is being beat with a God damn switch

or a God damn extension cord.

Raise your motherfucking hands.

That's motherfucking abuse.

Especially the extension cord. That shit.

Getting hit with the buckle end... The plug-in end.

I could take that other shit. My mother start hitting me with the plug-in end. Pow!

"What the fuck? I ain't no God damn toaster, Mom.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?"

My mom hit me in the back of the head with a toaster one time.

I hate Pop Tarts. I hate toast. I don't want to see shit.

Nothing that pop the fuck up. I'm mad now.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

That's God damn abuse.

So white people, when you're out there,

I know you're thinking like, "God damn, I'm glad I wasn't in that family."

So this is what we gone do, y'all.

Something different on the Def Jam.

Now y'all gotta participate. I'm goin' ask you all something.

I'm goin' ask y'all something. When I come out

and I say "Y'all ready for the next comedian."

You all say, "Damn. Is he funny?"

And you do your head just like this...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You see the way my face look?

That's how you supposed to look 'cause you curious.

You want to know what the fuck is going on.

And we going this way.[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

All right?

Motherfuckers in other shows, them motherfuckers clanking heads.

They can't even watch the show, they got a concussion.

The fuckers be going that way...

That way.

Anybody don't understand "that way"?

Let's do this shit right, now.

Are y'all ready for the next comedian?

AUDIENCE: Damn. Is he funny?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Yeah, and he's large and in charge from Atlanta, Georgia.

Give it up for Bruce Bruce.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

Wassup? Wassup?AUDIENCE: Wassup?

Wassup, New York? What's happening?

I talk about everything, anybody and everything.

Don't y'all... Anybody have any dumb friends?

Don't you hate dumb friends?

I got a partner that call me on the phone the other day talking about,

"Hey, Bruce, uh, do this shirt match these pants?"

Dumb for no reason. Type of nigga rob a bank, hide in the police car.

Then nigga looking. "Is they gone yet?"

Dumb! You know what I'm talking about.

Type of brother walk in a restaurant and know it open 24-hours.

You know what I'm saying?

He goes, "Hey, I know y'all open 24, but what time y'all open in the morning?"

Like he gonna ask a pop quiz question. You know what I'm saying?

Anybody here go to church?

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Don't you love church?

Did y'all ever go to a church,

preacher run out of words to say, but he repeat his self and make it sound good?

I went to a church Sunday preacher say,

♪ How long, good God almighty? How long, hey, hey, yeah

♪ How long long?

Nigga's in the back, "That nigga can preach. That nigga can preach!"

He said nothin' but "how long?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Man, I went to a church, preacher couldn't read, right.

So they had a midget up on the pulpit reading for him.

You know how black preachers try to turn it out, you know.

Little midget holding the Bible let me just say, "And John pulled the rope."

Reverend say, "John pulled the rope."

And the midget say, "And he pulled the rope hard."

Reverend say, "He pulled the rope hard."

Midget said, "Move your feet, I can't read what I'm doing."

Reverend said, "Move your feet. I can't read what I'm doing."

He said, "No... No, you didn't supposed to say that."

Reverend said, "No... No, you didn't supposed to say that."

Midget say, "You done fucked up now."

Reverend said, "You done fucked up now."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You can't say that in church. The hell is wrong with you?

And nosy neighbors, don't you hate 'em?

Man, every time your door open, they door open.

Niggas always want to borrow something. You know what I'm saying.

I come up the step minding my own business, you know.

Open my door, "Click, click, click." Don't say, "click, click."

He come over, check this out. "Man, I want to borrow a few dollars."

"Hey, man. I ain't got no money. Let that go."

The other night I try to sneak up my step. I'm tiptoeing up my own step.

Unlock the door real soft where the nigga couldn't hear me, you know.

"Click, click, click." Don't say, "click, click."

Nigga come out, "Yeah, man, uh, I heard you then."

Nigga always want to borrow something, don't he?

And smokers, it's nothing against smokers. You know what I'm saying?

But when you're smoking

and you start coughing and not smoking, it's time to stop. Am I right?

You be around them old men, "Hey, man. How you doing?"

"I'm doing pretty good... [COUGHS] Jeff... [COUGHS]

"Man, let me tell you something.

"Man, phew."

Anybody got an uncle just mess up a Christmas party?

Nigga do a dance nobody ain't never seen.

You know what I'm talking about?

Nigga come in, do a dance, "Well, hey, y'all. How you doing?

"Oh, that's some music playing. Watch out, boy!

"You don't know nothing 'bout this here. Wassup.

"Boy, that was before your time, boy."

"Good God almighty, boy. Yes, sir."

Your mama be in the kitchen talking about that nigga, "Don't invite him no more."

"He goin' mess up my good rugs."

Have pockets real long. You know what I'm talking about?

Oh, man.

And y'all, this is my impression of leaving

an all-you-can-eat restaurant. You know what I'm saying?

You know, you walk out the door, nigga be like this...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

But look here. I'm Bruce Bruce.

I'm from Atlanta, large and in charge. Give me a hand clap.

Love ya. Peace.[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

Bruce...

Bruce Bruce.

That's a big ol' motherfucker, boy.

Gotta give my shouts, though.

My boys in the house,

Joe Courtney, Oliver Mendes, Cedric Ceballos from Phoenix Suns, y'all.

What's up, man?

Who's that guy?

Who?Malcolm.

Malcolm? Malcolm?

You play ball? With the Phoenix?MALCOLM: Yeah.

I didn't know that shit.

I thought you just was another big head motherfucker with 'em.

Sitting there... Sitting there like you the head nigga in charge.

Do you ever get a headache this big?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Appreciate y'all coming out, checking me out though, man.

A lot of love for y'all, man.

Phoenix Suns in the God damn house.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Don't move that motherfucking head.

You'll knock those cameras and shit over, man.

Uh, you gotta give it up for, uh, Joe Seneca. He's in the house, today.

How you doing, man?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

JOE: You a big pal, baby.

You know I... You know all this is because of people like you, man.

You've been keeping the doors open for black people a long time.

You know what I'm saying?

People like him.

Now, are y'all ready for the next comedian?

AUDIENCE: Damn. Is he funny?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

My boy from Gary, Indiana.

Q-dog in the house. Give it up for Buddy Lewis.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

Wassup? Wassup?

Oh, y'all, got some things I got to talk about, y'all.

Just gotta talk about them. But first, let me tell y'all something.

All this shit you hear up here from me ain't goin' be funny.

Okay, I'm goin' let you know right now.

Okay, some of y'all want to talk to yourself.

"Girl, he aint' funny." Well, fuck it, I warned you.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I mean, what the hell you expect for free, huh?

Who the hell did you think was gonna walk out the door?

Maybe Martin, maybe Damon Wayans? Ah, hell no.

Well, for free you get Buddy, Joe and the rest of them God damn comics in the back,

so chuckle it up, God damn it.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Oh, and you better laugh now for free,

'cause I'm gone tell you, when I get big as Damon and Eddie

and all the rest of them motherfuckers,

I'm gonna be just like Martin. Universal, whatever it is. What's that studio?

City... Radio City Music Hall. Charging $55 for these same God damn jokes.

Chuckle it up now, God damn it.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

See I'm... Hey, I got a lot of things I got to talk about.

This old rap music shit. Hey, I love it.

Gangsta rap, I love all that shit.

I just can't deal with these God damn gangsta ballads now.

That's what's killing me.

Ignorant ass rappers, I don't understand. If you're hard, stay hard.

Don't change your shit up 'cause you're on TV.

You know, getting an award. You know they change that shit up.

They come out from out the back about to get an award,

"All right, all right, okay, thank y'all for this award,

"but first I want to say something.

"I want to say thanks to my lord and savior Jesus Christ

"for helping me write the song..."

Bust the motherfuckers with the AK!

Something's wrong.

Is it just me?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

We are different. I tell you, brothers, we are different.

Brothers and sisters, we are different from all other people.

Black and white people are different.

I can tell you I'm from a predominantly black family, and I can tell you it's true.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I say predominantly 'cause I got a white aunt.

Hey... Hey... Hey, don't look at me like, huh...

Some of y'all got some interracial relatives.

They might not be here in 1994, but back in 1865, Massa mo,

some of y'all got some white relatives.

Got a white aunt. She always trying to help my mother cook at holiday.

Now, you know I got them kind of aunts, them Aunt Jemima kind,

"Hey... Hey... Hey, let's go. We goin' eat."

She in there trying to help them cook, y'all.

Don't know nothing about no black spices.

She come in there talking about,

[WHINING] "Oh, I've have it this year. I've had it.

"Every year you come to my house.

"I have to sit out there and watch you all cook. This year I'm gonna help."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"I'm gonna corn the bread. I'm gonna collar the greens.

"I'm gonna black the eyes on the peas."

My mother's like,

"Get your ass in that kitchen and stir up that Kool-Aid. That's what you do."

[CHUCKLES]

Black and white people are different.

Even the way we walk down the street, you don't see white people

walking down the street and trip on something, you know.

It's just different, you know. You see...

[HUMMING]

"Oh! Hey, looky there. I almost tripped.

"Heaven sake, go away!"

Brothers walk down the street it's completely different, isn't it,

because brothers have to make an athletic event out of everything.

You know you see brothers walking down the street it's...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[LAUGHS] "Shit.

"Whoo! [LAUGHS]

"Almost got the kid, baby, but I'm too cool for that."

My name's Buddy Lewis. Peace.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS]

Big Buddy Lewis, big Buddy Lewis.

Shit. Hey, we got some fine-ass, pretty-ass, sexy-ass,

international cuties in the house.

International Cover Girlmodels.

Look at them up there. Cynthia Bailey, where you at?What's up?

Yeah, put the fists up!

Beverly Peele, where you at?

Hey, you living... I'm living... I be living with your ass in a minute.

And Kiara. Hey, there we go.

I like that type of shit now.

Say what?

She's a mama? You pregnant? Cool. You don't look like you pregnant.

God bless the child. Iggly biggly beek.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Powers from Uncle Joey.

All right... All right... You... You know what you having?

Not yet? You gonna have an ultrasound or something?

That's some stupid stuff, give an ultrasound, look in there at a baby.

Might be a mad-ass baby, you bothering him with all them lights and shit.

Get a picture back, the baby like this...

"I'm trying to get some sleep. It ain't time to come out yet."

Thanks for coming by, all right.

Are y'all ready for the next comedian?

AUDIENCE: Damn. Is he funny?

Hell, yeah. From my hometown, St. Louis, Missouri.

Give it up for the world famous Guy T.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

Damn. I got a quick knock-knock joke.

Y'all with me?AUDIENCE: Yeah.

Y'all know how to do a knock-knock joke, right?AUDIENCE: Yeah.

I don't want no nigga going...

Answer the God damn door and some shit.

Knock-knock.AUDIENCE: Who's there?

Little boy blue.AUDIENCE: Little boy blue who?

Michael Jackson.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

No, no. Mike didn't do it. It's just a joke I heard.

You can go and tell your friends and they'll love ya.

He didn't do it. I don't think Mike did it.

Damn. Negroes in the house. I love this, God damn.

Living in L.A., gang capitol of the God damn world.

What's all this shit, the damn gang sign?

Nigga did that to me, I thought he was trying

to get a booger off his God damn hand.

Then they walk around in the damn bandanas like they some God damn pirates.

"Aye-aye, matey."

I got to L.A., had to walk around butt naked in a bow tie for two weeks.

I ain't know what fucking color to wear.

Can't wear red, can't wear blue,

can't wear pink 'cause they got gay gangs.

They walk around throwing daisies and rose petals on your car.

They out the closet. They on the front porch like a motherfucker.

Then you gotta watch what neighborhood you go in.

Niggers can't go in Beverly Hills.

They got a gang, LAPD.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING]

They beating the shit out of niggas.

That's fucked up.

Then they're recruiting kids.

They got kids in these damn gangs now.

They walking around.

Kids ain't even kids no damn more. They ain't got no respect.

Last week, nine-year-old boy shot at his mom.

"Pow. Now, bitch, you go to your fucking room now."

"I'm Tony Montana. Let me introduce you to my little friend."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

They ain't kids no damn more.

Kids used to be born weighing what, seven pound eight ounces?

Now they being born weighing 25 pound, drinking 40 ounces.

Doctors don't deliver babies no more.

They just walkin' out the pussy, now, Nikes first.

Pow![AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Fuck wrong with them?

And every woman I meet now got kids.

I don't mind meeting a woman with kids,

but they got three or four of them bastards.

Like I got a sign on my head that say, "Lost daddy. Help me."

I mean, if you got kids, some manners would be nice.

'Cause every time I go over to the house to get my groove on, to do my thing,

thinking everything's gonna be all right,

first thing I hear are the kids.

"We hungry." Not "hi" or "what's up?" but "we hungry."

They'll be lined up at the door like little baby birds in a nest.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And I tell their ass, "Look here,

"I may put a big worm in your mama mouth..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"But I ain't putting a God damn thing in yours.

"Now get on like you been shit on, God damn."

And the SWV.

Everybody's talking about that, the woman's national anthem, Downtown.

SWV... Has anyone seen these hos?

If they want brothers to go downtown,

they better go uptown and get some fucking makeup.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I mean, is it me?

Is it me, or does SWV look like Jodeci in drag?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

My name is Guy T., y'all. Peace.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

World famous Guy T. in the house.

Oh, shit.

Y'all know that's my little brother, right?

That's my little brother, y'all. Give it up one more time.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

I didn't want to say shit at first 'cause he the bomb,

but I'd be like, "Get the fuck on." [CHUCKLES]

Love you, man. That motherfucker be workin' hard, y'all.

Shit. From my heart. From my heart.

Ain't shit else to say. Russell, get up... The fuck up here, man.

Get the fuck up here.

Only on HBO.

What you gotta say for the peoples?

Thanks for coming out. God bless you. Goodnight.Love y'all. Thank you.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

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