All language subtitles for Def Comedy Jam s04e07.eng

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[CHEERING]

KID CAPRI: It's the
Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.

Ladies and gentlemen,
put your hands together for my main man, Mr. Joe Torry.

Cut. God damn.

Fucked my groin up
doin' that shit.

How you all doin'?AUDIENCE: Fine.

Shit. Y'all came
up to laugh at me, say "hell yeah."

AUDIENCE: Hell, yeah.

Props to my man
Kid Capri in the booth.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Up in this motherfucker
for a minute.

We gonna have fun
in this motherfucker.

See, all you motherfuckers,
stretched your ass out.

Y'all up there, you wanna
jump down flip, laugh back up, do that shit, man.

You can do all that shit
here at the Def Jam.

What the fuck?
You want to cross that motherfucker, you...

From the cameras, though.

You know what I'm sayin'?
I want to see boogers flyin' out your fuckin' nose.

The fuck I wanna see...

Booger land, I just dump
that motherfucker off and keep telling jokes. Shit.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I want motherfuckers
to be funny as hell.

Comics, they gonna come
out here and fuck shit up, y'all. Some shit.

What's really on my mind...
What I really want to say though

'cause I'm trying
to shake this shit off,

'cause I'm having problems
with my sister.

I got an older sister that,
uh, she lives, like, in South Carolina.

And, you know,
she don't get this shit.

She think I'm changing
on my fuckin' ass.

'Cause she called me
when I was back in L.A. at 6:00 in the God damn morning.

That's three hour difference.
It's 9:00 her time, talking about...

I said, "I don't wanna
talk to you." [SMACK LIPS] "You changin'."

Bitch, the time has changed.[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I ain't fuckin' changed.
Time. It's 9:00 there, 6:00 here.

The fuck you talkin' about?

I can't stand people say
stupid shit to me.

Or people who beep me.

Ever have a motherfucker
beep your ass and don't want a God damn thing?

Beep you and shit?
You run to the phone. Beep you, 911.

You're like,
"What the fuck's up?"

"No, no, no. What you doin'?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND APPLAUDING]

The fuck I'm doin'?

I'm chillin' and shit, man.
What the fuck you doin'?

"Well, I just called
to see how you..."

What the fuck,
well, leave a message.

Call my motherfuckin' house.
Don't call me, beep me and shit

you don't want
a God damn thing. Damn.

And then this is what
I hate, too.

When people got, like,
answer services.

You know, you get home
and shit, and you ain't got no fuckin' messages.

And the motherfucker told you,
you know what I'm sayin'?

You know you got a message
and you know somebody called

'cause you can hear
they ass breathing after the beep and shit, right?

And you're like,
you know, "Damn, who the fuck was this?"

And you see him later,
"Yeah, I called your house

"but, uh, you know,
you wasn't there."

Why the fuck you didn't
leave a message?[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

What the fuck you think
an answerin' service for? You leave a fuckin 'message!

Damn. Then you got
motherfuckers call your house

and think you there.

Just screamin' in the phone.
"Joe, pick up the phone."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Yo, pick up the phone, Joe."
They be singin',

♪ Pick up the phone

Motherfucker, I ain't here!

Damn. And they be like,
"I know you're there."

Well, you know
I'm there and I ain't pickin' up the phone,

then you should know
I don't wanna talk to your ass.

Stupid. There's a whole
lot of... I hate stupid people, man.

Stupid like one-hour photo?
Get this shit now.

I walked into
a one-hour photo the other day.

And you know, gave the shit,
you know, I told my man,

you know, name, address,
tell 'em who I was.

"When would you
like these back?"

The fuck the sign say?[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Fuckin' one-hour photo, right?
That's when I want my shit back.

He's circling 5:00,
it's 12:00.

I'm gonna be right
across the street.

Same shit with
45-minute cleaning.

They gonna...
It's Monday, they circling Wednesday.

Forty-five minutes,
motherfucker. That's what the sign say, right?

Comin' back to get my shit.
Stupid motherfucker.

I almost did some
stupid shit though.

Almost did some
stupid-ass shit because I like to drive fast.

And I'm like, you know,
drivin' down the street.

And I'm on this, you know,
this one-lane street, you know

and these cars in front
of me goin' slow as hell. I'm doing like 20.

I'm like damn,
'cause I'm always late for every goddamn thing.

So I'm drivin' fast and I'm
like, "The fuck when I get to the other lane open up,

"I'm gonna cuss these
motherfuckers out."

Drivin' and shit.
"What the fuck?" I'm honking the horn.

They steady drivin'.
I get on the side, I said, I'm like, "What the fuck?"

Some nuns and shit.
I was like...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"How the fuck y'all doin'?"
Know what I'm sayin'?

'Cause I don't want that on
my ass. You know what I'm sayin'?

You don't know what religion
to trust now, though.

'Cause I'm catholic myself.

I think you know,
religions, man, it's just...

There ain't no wrong one,
there ain't no right one.

They just like languages.
You know what I'm sayin'?

It's the way people
communicate with their gods

and stuff, man.
You know what I'm sayin'?

I just... I like bein'
Catholic though,

'cause the church
is over like that. [SNAPS FINGERS]

Any of y'all try to go
to church, you know, Baptist church.

Tryin' to go with my father,
he Presbyterian.

I'm like damn,
they be in there three hours.

Done read the Bible
back and forth.

Choir done sung 1,700 songs.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

About 10 reverends,
preachers done said...

Preached the same sermon.
I'm like, damn.

You're sitting there like,
"Damn, come on, hurry up, the game on, damn."

Catholic. I go in there,
"Hey, how you doin'?"

Couple of hail Mary's,
full of grace. Boom. See you.

Forty-five minutes
and I'm out.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Shit. We gonna
pull this shit off the first time.

Now here's,
"Damn, is he funny."

Are you all ready?AUDIENCE: Yeah.

For the next comedian.

AUDIENCE: Damn. Is he funny?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]Hell, yeah.

From New York,
give it up for Shang.

Wassup?

[EXCLAIMING][AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[EXCLAIMING][AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I just want to say one thing.
Whether or not Michael Jackson

rubbed his dick against
a little boy's forehead is not the point.

Whether he's guilty or not,
he's guilty of not giving

money back to
the motherfuckin' community.

It goes about
the community, man. You see what I'm sayin'?

It's like the government
always lie to us,

tellin' us the economy
is getting better. The economy's getting better.

I saw this commercial
that said you can get a house, no money down.

How the fuck do you do that?

Kill the people who live
there and just move in? Is that how you do that shit?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Yo, nigga, when
you get that house?"

"Today!

"No money down!"

Ding-dong.
"How you doin'? Ahhh!"

"Don't you mind the blood.
Sit down"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

It goes back to rights.
We gotta give people rights.

We gotta give sisters rights.
I don't know why brothers be trippin'.

Do you know, in this country,
93% of the time women are blamed in rape trials?

I know how to end that shit.
You know what they do to people in India?

In India, if you
steal somethin', they will cut your hand off.

Swing batter batter swing,
you lose a hand.

That's it.

Steal somethin' else,
they cut your other hand off.

And after that,
the only you could steal is maybe donuts.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Yo, nigga, grab the milk,
we got to get out of here, motherfucker!

"I got the glazed.
We got to go."

I just believe in that shit.
Racism's coming back like a fad, man.

Comin' back like a fad,
like bell bottoms or some shit.

I can't believe that 50%
percent of the south

voted for David Duke,
a motherfuckin' Klansman.

Let me look in the camera.

A Klansmen you backwards
trailer park, inbreedin' motherfuckers!

Please. He was a Klansman.

You can't help...
How do you stop bein' a Klansman?

Start drinking Klan lite?
Is that how you do that shit?

[SOUTHERN ACCENT]
"I used to hate niggers, but they're okay now.

"Slurp. Slurp. Slurp.

"Drinkin' milk
and hatin' minorities." [MAKES GOOFY LAUGH]

[NORMAL ACCENT]
And now, all of a sudden, I'm the bad fuckin' guy."

All I'm sayin' is, eh,
racism's gonna end.

It's gonna end 'cause
the way we are fuckin' with the ozone layer

with all these chemicals,

soon all white people
are gonna be black.

That would fuck with you all.
Y'all know that, man.

There'd be some white dude
on the beach chillin',

doin' the little
white dude thing.

He'd walk on there,
"What's up, dudes? What's up? Aw, dudes.

"What's up?

"Guns N' Roses, man."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]"What's up?"

All of a sudden,
he go out in the sun,

"What's up, it's cool
to be a white dude and run the country, man.

"Do anythin' we want, man.
Put people in prison and shit, man.

"Fuck it, man. It's cool."

[SCREAMS]

"I'm a black dude!

"Oh, man. This sucks.
This is bullshit, man. This is bullshit.

[WHINING]
"I don't wanna be black.

"My credit's
not going to be good.

"I'm gonna get pulled over
for no apparent fuckin' reason.

"I don't wanna be black.
This is not right. God. Jesus. Help me!

"I don't wanna be black!
I don't..."

Yeah, I wanna be black.

[CHEERING]

Yeah.

Oh, shit. Yeah.

Booty time. Booty time.
Booty time.

But... But... But...
Wait it gets worse.

But... But... But...
Wait it gets worse.

But... But... But...
Wait it gets worse.

'Cause if you're gonna
believe a myth, believe that motherfuckin' myth.

That's the only myth
we will not bitch about.

Go up to a brother...
A white dude could go up to a brother and go,

[NERDY VOICE]
"Hey! Hear you black guys got really big dicks."

[NORMAL VOICE]
"What you say? I oughta kick your...

"Why thank you,
thank you very much.

"I guess we can get along."

My name is Shang.
I mean peace, for real. No more black on black crime.

I'm out like a motherfucker.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Shang, y'all.
Give it up to Shang.

Shit. All right.

Gonna keep this energy
movin', movin', movin'.

Now are y'all ready
for the next comedian?

AUDIENCE: Yeah. Is he funny?

Hell, yeah.
From Chicago, give it up for Mark Reedy.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS]

Come on.
Give it up for Joe Torry. Let him hear it.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

All right, New York.

Oh, yeah, I'm from Chicago.
That's right.

Windy city. It's cold there.
Yeah, it get cold here in New York too, right?

AUDIENCE: Yes.

Yeah. Yeah. You don't realize
how cold it is until you have to wait for the bus.

That's right. That's when
you know it's cold.

Now, see, all the people
who drive are laughing

'cause you like to stare
at the people who wait for the bus, don't you?

That's right.
You so happy it ain't you.

Yeah, you see people
waitin' for the bus, you just looking at 'em.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Sometimes you mess with 'em.
You just turn on the heat in front of 'em.

I just got my own apartment.
I feel good about that. Yeah.

You like it, your own place.

Oh, yeah.
I feel good about it.

Only advice I can give you,
though, if you get your own apartment,

find out who
your neighbors are.

You cannot live
under certain people.

Like newlywed couples.

That's right.
They do not eat or sleep.

All you hear them do is...
[SQUEAKING]

I don't care where you at.
You hear them upstairs. [SQUEAKING]

Man, you hear that so much
you get in the car and you still think you hear them.

[SQUEAKING]

I hate when the neighbors
are upstairs having sex and they have their music on.

Now that's really tripped out.

'Cause then the squeaks
start getting the rhythm.

Right? You in bed,
you hear them upstairs...

[RHYTHMIC SQUEAKING]

You can't get no sleep.
You laying in bed going, "Yeah, I know that song."

You know what
I'm talkin' about. Yeah.

I like to party late. I do.
I like to come in the house real late.

Some people think comin'
home late is like 3:00, 4:00 in the mornin'.

I think partyin'
real late is like comin' in the next day.

You know?
Especially Saturday.

You come in Sunday,
people gettin' up, goin' to church.

Right? You like lookin' at 'em
and say, "Hey, pray for me. I'm really messed up.

"I'm messed up."

You know how you try
to come in the house and sneak in and not...

You don't wanna wake up
other people?

You can't do it
if you have wood floors.

'Cause those wood floors
will give you away.

Soon as you walk in,
it's like... [SQUEAKING]

And the slower you walk
the longer the squeaks are.

[DRAWN OUT SQUEAKING]

And you try to shorten
them up. [SQUEAKING]

You know you wasted because
the dog is sitting there, starin' at you.

I don't care how wasted
you are, your dog sounds like Astro.

[IMITATING ASTRO]
"Is that you, George?"

Look at the ladies.
Lookin' good tonight. That's great.

Yeah. Ladies have
an advantage over men.

They can
wear our clothes but we can't wear theirs.

Anything we have
they can wear.

You make love to your woman,
she can call you up the next day.

[FEMININE VOICE]
"How you doin'?

"I was just thinkin' about you
and I have your shirt on.

"I can still smell you in it."

We can't do that,
can we, fellas?

No, you can't
call her at work.

"Hey baby, what's up?

"Yeah, you've been
on my mind all day long.

"Yeah, I'm walkin'
around in your pumps and your panties right now."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"I'm lookin' for your hair
weave right now too."

That's right.
Peace, New York. I'm outta here.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

Mark Reedy, y'all.

Kid just be doin'
his own shit. Be groovin', kid.

Motherfucker.

Should be watchin' me
and shit. Kid, you should be ready to go, don't you?

Tired of workin', man?No.

JOE: [CHUCKLES] Hell, no.

That's my man right there.
Kept me cool when we was on tour.

Hey, we got a sexy lady
comin' to the stage, y'all.

So for the women,
y'all could be cool with this shit

'cause brothers
done came up and talked.

So you get your little
black power, woman shit. So, you know, y'all...

Look it... This ain't church.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING][VOCALIZING]

Are you all ready
for the next comedian?

AUDIENCE: Damn. Is she funny?

Hell, yeah. Sexy too.

From Berkeley, California.
Give it up for Sandy Brown.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

Okay, tell me
if this is flirtin', okay? I need your advice on this.

I took my man out to dinner.

It was my treat, so you know
we went to Subway sandwiches. Am I right?

Okay, and the girl at the
counter goes,

[SPANISH ACCENT]
"Hola, my name Rosa, welcome to Subway sandwiches.

"What kind of sandwich
would you like?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And of course,
my man was like,

"Oh, I'm sorry, Sandy.
Uh, a chicken sandwich.

"Yeah. We'll have
a chicken sandwich. Yeah."

And ladies, you know
my lips were tight.

[SPANISH ACCENT]
"You want a chicken sandwich?

"Do you want that
on white bread or whole wheat?"

I said, "My man will have
his on whole wheat." Okay?

She goes, "Do you want that
on a six-inch or a foot-long?"

I said, "He and I
will share a foot-long." Okay.

Then she goes for it, okay?
She goes, "Mister,

"do you want something
to drink with that?

"Do you want some leche?"
[KISSES]

That's flirtin', right?
That's flirting.

See 'cause I was just
wonderin', 'cause I might be too sensitive.

Or I might be readin'
too much into it.

But now that I know
that you guys know, I know that was flirtin'.

And how do I know this?
Because I'm a black woman which means I am psychic.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Oh, yes. Oh, yes.

Because every black woman
in America is psychic.

Did you know that?
She knows it. Did you know that?

Oh, you need proof?
My brother here needs proof.

See, you take
a black woman anywhere

and another woman
walks into the room,

we will look her up
and down and tell you,

"Hmm. [SCOFFS]
She thinks she's cute."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"But she not."

And what's interesting is,
ladies, we need to use these instincts.

Now, ladies, if your man
is not treating you right,

you need to go out
and find one who will. Okay?

Because, it's like my mother
always says, ladies, "Men are like trains.

"You can always
catch another."

Can I get another witness
somewhere in this house?

Because you see those young
bucks trying to come up to you at the bus stop or the subway,

whatever it is that you ride.

And they come up to you,
still in high school trying to talk to you.

And ladies,
when we're at the bus stop we don't just stand there.

We are there in our
Essence magazine pose.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And that young buck
comes up to you.

"Damn, dude,
check this girl out.

"Dude, man, she's my flavor.
I'm gonna step up to her, right, right?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Say, baby, you kinda cute.

"Damn, you got it going on.

"And my friend over there
want to get with you.

"Hey, yeah. So can I get
your seven digits, baby?

"You know, your phone number.
Your seven digits, baby."

Where was I?

Can you get my seven digits?
Brother, you could not handle what I've got to give.

I'm like TRW.

Bad credit, it will take
you seven years to get over what I would do to you.

My name is Sandy Brown.
Keep your nails done and keep your weave tight.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

Sandy Brown.

Damn.

Y'all just saw this man
fuck up House Party 3.

He been here before
fuckin' shit up.

From Compton,
give it up for my man, A.J. Johnson.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC STOPS]

Fuckin' keep it going,
damn it. [EXCLAIMS][HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC STOPS]

All them God damn
teeth in your mouth.

Nigga, you close your mouth
and bite a hole in your chest.

You won't clap?
Why you won't clap, man? What's wrong with you?

That tight-ass vest on there.
I'll throw some water on you and choke you.

[GROANING]

I don't feel that
I'm a comedian.

I feel that
I'm a motherfucker with problems.

And my first problem
is that God damn Tupac.

What the fuck
is wrong with Tupac?

Just takin' ass.

Then he gonna say
he didn't do it.

Police made him pull
down his pants, he had doo-doo all on his dick.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Oh, but now
all the women hate him.

Y'all loved him when
he made that shit.

Y'all like,
"Oh, Tupac for us. He love us."

Y'all know why he said,
"Keep your head up."

So he could sneak in from
the back and fuck you in your ass.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Every time you look down,
"Bitch, didn't I say keep your head up?"

AUDIENCE: Ooh.

I'm tired of them fuckin'
with Michael. They fuckin' with Michael, man.

Who all think... If you think
Mike done that shit, clap your hands.

[AUDIENCE CLAPPING SPARSELY]

If you think Mike
didn't do it, clap your hands.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

If you don't give a fuck,
clap your hands.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING LOUDLY]

I don't know if Mike did
the shit or not, man,

but if he did,
I think it's fucked up.

You know, just fuckin' with
that little man.

That little man
ain't want shit but sleep.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Wake up, dick all
in Mike hand.

I thought Mike was a weird
motherfucker when he bought the elephant man bones.

Because I'm a black man
and I would never go into a Kentucky Fried Chicken

"Look here,
uh, let me have a two-piece bone dinner.

"No, just the biscuit
and the bones."

Fellas, don't fall in love.
If you fall in love,

fall the fuck out
because women don't love us.

Fellas, if you got one woman
that you kickin' it with,

just dating her
and nobody else, clap your hands.

[AUDIENCE CLAPPING]

All right. All right.

Now for you same
stupid motherfuckers that just clapped.

If you think your woman
is kickin' it with you, clap your hands.

Look it. Two of y'all probably
clappin' for the same bitch.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

'Cause a women
just don't give a fuck about just one dick no more. No.

No. A woman
will tell you in a minute, "Nigga, look here.

"Dick comes dime a dozen
and I got a dollar."

So you know what you got
to start doing, right?

You eat that shit?
Nigga said, "No, my breath smell like panties."

Fellas, let me tell you
somethin'. Women... All men eat pussy.

Some better than others,
but we all do it.

And if you got a man
that ain't eatin' your pussy,

I'mma tell you right now
how you get that shit done. One thing you gotta do.

Douche.

Go home, put your foot
on that toilet. [SLOSHING]

Clean that
motherfucker out.

I'm getting kind of freaky.
I like doing freaky shit, man.

I like watching
women masturbate.

Fellas, if you ain't seen
this shit, this is somethin' you got to see.

You can't just ask a woman
to masturbate 'cause she gonna think you're a pervert.

You got to sneak her doin' it.
I'm gonna tell you how to do it.

When you're in
that pussy, right? You're fuckin' it just...

[GRUNTING]

You take her hand,
put it right here. She get to doin' it like this.

When she get into it, back up.

Bitch never know you gone.
She'd be like...

And the motherfucker
won't let you help.

You try to help, it's like...
[EXCLAIMING]

Women are crazier
than a motherfucker, man.

I seen that shit when
I seen Indecent Proposal. Y'all seen that shit?

Lemme tell you
about this shit, man.

This is a movie where you got
a man offering another man

one million dollars
to fuck his wife one night.

Fellas, do not go see
this shit with your girl

'cause then she will make
you tell the truth.

I was looking at the movie
and my girl was talkin' about,

"Ugh. Look at him.
That man ain't shit.

"Gonna let that man
do it with her for a million dollars."

Then she look to me and go,
"Baby, would you let somebody fuck me

"for a million dollars?"

I said, "Bitch, broke as I am,
a nigga can fuck you for $200 and a nice pair of boots."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

A million dollars?
I'd drop your ass off.

[IMITATING CAR SCREECHING]

Get out the vehicle
and politely ring the doorbell.

Ding-dong. Ding-dong.
Ding-dong. Ding-dong. Ding-dong.

"Hey, our bitch is here."

I'll videotape that shit.

Let him keep it for a resume.

That's too much goddamn money.

One million dollars, bitch,
nigga can fuck me and you.

We be tag-teaming
like a motherfucker.

"Look out bitch, my turn."
Looky-here. Looky-here.

Oh, look-y here.

Hey, y'all motherfuckers,
that's all.

My name is A.J. Peace.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING][HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

A.J. Johnson, y'all.
Let him hear it.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[SIGHS]
What a motherfucker do for money. [LAUGHS]

Gotta go.
Come pay the bills, Russell.

Give it up for him. Come on.

Motherfucker's crazy, man.

Thank you all for coming out.
God bless you. Good night.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING][HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS]

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