Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

KID CAPRI: It's the Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.

Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for my main man, Mr. Joe Torry.

How y'all doing?

What the fuck is up with y'all? Kid!

The fuck wrong with you? You know what night this is, man.

Now, put the shit on, man.

Fronting that shit.

Fuckin' cooley high night, man.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Motherfucker forgot.

Now you're in the house.

Check him out.

Shit, he ain't fucking around.

You see, I like this shit. This is the "back in the day" shit.

That old mac pimp ass shit. Am I wrong, Kid?

[KID TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

Yeah, man, we can play the music and shit.

I want the real get low with the shit,

pass out some incense, you know,

black light poster, shit like that.

They wouldn't let me do that shit, man.

Goddamn. I got on the plane with this shit, man,

motherfuckers tried to disrespect me.

I'm saying, I'm on a goddamn plane and shit, man.

I'm on a plane with this shit.

I'm sitting, chilling in motherfucking first class

'cause that's how I do. You know, you make a little money

and now they respect your ass.

I'd be the only black person in first class, too.

And I sit right by the first door.

Soon as they ask me a goddamn question,

"Mr. Torry, where you want to sit?"

Motherfucker, right by the door.

The first goddamn seat so I can wave at all the white people.

"How you doin'? Get the fuck to the back."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"How you doin'? Get your ass to the back."

Quit fucking around, man.

Times has changed, man, now the 'fros in the house.

Act like a fool in goddamn first class, too.

Before I even sat down, I'm asking for shit.

"Bring me a drink in this motherfucker, bring me something."

Just gonna hand me a little ass bottle of goddamn... What the fuck is this?

A little bottle of tonic... What the fuck is this?

"Well, that's how we serve it."

"Bitch, no, fuck that. Park the cart right here, park the cart."

"I'm entitled to all this shit, right, ain't I?"

"Yeah..." "Well, park the fuckin' cart."

All the shit I don't drink I'm going to send it to the motherfuckers in coach.

Because I know... I know how to act.

I know how to act in first class.

I used to sit in coach, right behind first class and peeking in

so I know how to act when I get up there.

Just be ringing the bell. Bing!

"Where's my goddamn pillow?"

Bing. "Give me a goddamn blanket."

Bing. "Bring me some pussy around this motherfucker."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

They got to bring it, too.

I usually just be sitting in first class, man,

white people will be looking at me and shit.

Wondering what the fuck I'm doing in first class.

You know what I'm saying? And they'll never like to stare at you,

they get a little peek off at your ass and shit.

You know what I'm saying? But you know how like a pitcher

be looking at first base just be like, you know, like...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And I'll be like, "That fuck you want?"

Well, start making conversation, you know.

"What do you do?"

I'm like, "Motherfucker, what do you mean what the fuck I do?

"What the fuck you do?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"I'm just trying to make conversation with you. I mean, you know,

"nice flight, isn't it?" "Motherfucker, when we land,

"then it'll be a nice goddamn flight."

"Well, where you headed?"

"The fuck I'm headed?

"Ain't this flight 250 going to New York?

"Same motherfuckin' place you going, right?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"What the fuck you really want to know?"

"What, do you rap? You sing?"

"Hell, no, I'm a motherfuckin' terrorist

"and I kill all the nosy motherfuckers.

"You know you're dying first, right?"

Fucking with me in goddamn first class acting like a goddamn fool

because I waited too long. Coach, they don't give a fuck about you in coach.

Ride in coach on a fucking airplane.

You know, I asked for an extra bag of peanuts one time,

she got quiet like I was a slave discussing freedom.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[APPLAUSE]

Fuck... The fuck... How about the peanuts?

"He's having an extra bag?"

"Bitch, you got a whole cart full of shit."

"Got to give everybody else some first."

"Wait, bitch, bitch, they peanuts."

They don't even care, they don't even read you the rules in goddamn coach.

They took off one time, people still putting their shit up like this.

"What the fuck?"

Def Jam take care of your ass though.

Flying first class,

get a nice little limo and shit like that.

Usually for brothers back in the day, man, when this shit was on, what they do?

Brother flew me on a plane one time, I ain't have a fucking seat.

Me and five other people standing up like we were on a bus, like this.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

We're like, ding, "Drop me off over New York, shit."

Fucker pick me up in a stretch pinto. What the fuck?

[LAUGHING]

Hell, yeah.

From D.C., y'all, give it up for Joe Sinclair.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Wassup?

All the ladies in the house say, "Ow."

WOMEN: Ow!

All the niggers in the house say, "Hell, yeah."

MEN: Hell, yeah!

Now all you others...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Like you two brothers.

Y'all know they're here. Y'all know there's gay people everywhere.

Y'all want to see them. Where the... Where the dates?

Are y'all on a date?

Hey, hey, y'all know they're everywhere.

Y'all see them and y'all want to say nothing.

Yeah, I know everybody, I'm...

Y'all see them. Y'all know what I mean. "Ooh, there he go."

You know what I'm saying, you see them.

And I don't know why we talk about them because everybody know

they got one in their family.

Everybody... Yeah, everybody know they got an uncle in their peaches.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Everybody got... You know you do.

Motherfucker come to the reunion,

you won't say shit to everybody

and I'm going to tell you now, ladies...

Ladies, I'm going to let you know now.

Every nigger got a little bitch in them.

"Nigger like shit... What, shit, what?"

Every nigger got a little bitch in them.

I'm going to tell you how. You walking down the street,

10:30 at night.

Two motherfuckers roll up on you with 9 millimeters.

You standing there, eventually the bitch is gonna come out.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

It might take a little while but the bitch going...

The niggers rolling up on you, "Hey, what's up, nigger?"

You like, "Damn."

"Nigger, give me that motherfucking vest, punk."

You know, you try to be a little hard about it. You be like this.

"All right, man."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Matter of fact, give me them rings too, bitch."

"All right, man."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Matter of fact, nigger, give me them motherfucking boots, too."

"All right, man."

"Hand that shit over. Matter of fact, nigger,

"we should make you suck our dick."

That's when you get real hard.

You're like, "Oh, what? What?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Hold on, hold on, hold on,

"y'all could take my motherfuckin' possessions and shit,

"but y'all ain't going to be taking my motherfucking dignity."

That nigger cock the hammer back.

You be like, "Psych, boy, I was just playing.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Let me see.

[SQUEALS] Whoo!

"Shit. Damn, where you get all that dick from?

"You want to tell me your name or something first?

"I mean this... This ain't got to be a one-time thing or nothing."

The bitch... Every nigger got a little bitch in them.

You do, I know I ain't the only nigger peeked at

another nigger dick when you taking a piss.

In the bathroom taking a piss.

You know, it never fails.

Every time you be in the club, chilling, having a good motherfucking time,

you're feeling proud about your dick.

Some big 6'8" motherfucker walk in that shit.

Nigger dick down to here.

You walk in, you taking a piss and you see him coming.

Look at him.

"Shit."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Yeah, you taking a piss, you be like, "Yeah, yeah, wassup?

"Big dick motherfucker."

But you want to see if his dick is bigger. You be...

[WHISTLES]

You realize your dick bigger.

[LAUGHS]

"Yeah, buddy, I think we know who's the king of the dicks here. All righty."

Yo, my name is Joe Clair. Y'all be cool. I'll see y'all later.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Joe Clair, y'all,

sucking dick.

And admitted this shit on live TV.

All across America.

Kid, man, what happened to the regular shit, man?

Play some goddamn music, man.

Motherfuckers, I'll set them up with a groove in this motherfucker.

Shit, I ain't got this shit on for nothing, God damn it.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

That shit.[MUSIC STOPS]

Fucking, I ain't forgot that shit.

I was gonna do the bump with your ass, though, but you know.

From Dallas, Texas, give it up for Shucky Duckey.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

He come out here talking about going down or something.

You can't go down on every-goddamn-body.

Shit, your ass going to come up with lock jaw.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"What happened?" "I went down."

You better bring your ass back up, goddamn.

Shucky Duckey, quack, quack.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Let me tell you what "shucky duckey" is.

See, shucky duckey's this phrase that I created

that means "disappointment" or "excitement."

For example, instead of cursing when you stump your toe,

you say, "shucky duckey."

Now, if you see a fine girl or a guy you like,

you say, "Oh, shucky duckey."

Now if you get the girl pregnant, you say, "Damn."

Don't you say "shucky duckey,"

because you done shuck your duckey too long.

That's when you should be using your rubber duckey.

Now your ass is fucky duckey.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Shucky duckey.

And you know the economy's bad

when a joker go to the pawn shop with an iron.

Talking about "What can I get for this?"

You can get some wrinkled clothes.

That's what your ass can get.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And I don't worry about no bills, y'all.

You know, I got this gray hair on my head.

Y'all see this gray hair in this shit.

They be talkin' about a sign of good luck

when you have gray hair at a young age.

I said, no, "It's a sign of somebody worrying the shit out of your ass."

No. This is rent, child support and car note

and back taxes.

And IRS called my house,

told me they gonna put a lien on my shit.

And I said, "You gonna put a lien on that coffee table

"because that's the only thing I own up in that motherfucker.

"You better not lean too hard 'cause it's missing a leg, goddamn."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Think I'm lying, Shucky Duckey quack, quack.

Trying to find me a date.

You know, I had one of those raggety-ass car.

I tried to pick up... I picked this girl up in my car, right?

I go to the passenger side to open the door.

She's talking about, "I'm an independent woman,

"you don't have to open the door for me."

I said, "I'm not opening the door for you,

"I got to get in on this side.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

"Now, you can independently shut it when you get your ass in."

Shucky Duckey quack, quack.

There was this guy, walked up to this woman, he said, "Hey, baby.

"I'll give you $50 if you have sex the way I want to."

She said, "Shit, you've got to be crazy."

He said, "Baby, I'll give you $250

"if you have sex the way I want to."

She said, "No, you might be some kind of freak,

"that's too little money."

He said, "Baby, I'll give you $500

"if you have sex the way I want to."

She said, "Yeah, let's get it on."

So they was in a motel having sex. They was about an hour into the sex.

She stopped him, "Wait a minute,

"what is sex the way you want to?"

He said, "On credit, baby, on credit."[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I'm Shucky Duckey and I'm out of here. See ya.

[CHEERING]

Shucky Duckey quack, quack.

Let me hear y'all say "quack, quack."

AUDIENCE: Quack, quack.

Hell, yeah, give it up from Mount Vernon, New York, Talent.

[CHEERING]

[CLICKS TONGUE]

How y'all doing?

We in this motherfucker.

We gonna have some fun, but before I start,

you got to follow just two simple rules.

One, keep your noise down because I don't talk that loud.

Rule number two is don't take none of this shit personal.

It's just comedy.

You know what I'm saying?

I don't want none of y'all leaving with a fucked-up attitude.

And more important than that,

I don't want to have to fuck none of y'all up.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

It's always just comedy, you know what I'm saying?

It's nice to see this many black people together

'cause y'all know like I know,

we ain't gonna ever get where we got to go

'cause we ain't got no unity.

Could we have unity tonight?

AUDIENCE: Yeah.

Could we have unity tonight?

All right, we'll start with all the ladies.

All the ladies, pull your titties out.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

See? That's why we ain't going to get where we got to go.

[APPLAUSE]

'Cause there ain't no fucking unity.

Damn, man.

This is good shit we got here, you know,

when you in here, white people working on shit.

I ain't got nothing against white people.

Don't get me wrong. You know, I just feel that, you know,

white people, it's just that,

they just do shit nobody else do.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

For real. Is it me? Think about it,

like, is it me,

or do we seem like

white people just don't know when they babies are too big for strollers?

[LAUGHTER]

You ever see 'em?

Feet be rubbing the wheels,

kid got muscles,

nigger be in the sixth grade.

And they take shit to the extreme.

Like, when we make the news, you can kinda relate to what a brother's going through.

Like, "A brother family be starving."

[CLICKS TONGUE]

"He robbed the bank." [CLICKS TONGUE]

"He got caught." [CLICKS TONGUE]

White people make the news and go to the extreme, like, "Homegirl in Virginia.

"She got mad at her man." [CLICKS TONGUE]

"He went to sleep." [CLICKS TONGUE]

"She cut his dick off... [CLICKS TONGUE]

"Drove down the highway

"and threw it out the window."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Only white people.

A brother ain't getting his dick cut off.

And, ladies, if you do get lucky enough to cut a brother's dick off,

fellas, y'all know like I know,

while she driving down the highway,

we in the car right behind your ass.

Stinking ho.

You throw our dick out, we out there looking for our dick.

"Where's my dick? Damn.

"My boys was right, I shouldn't have even fucked with this bitch.

"Where's my dick?

"Damn."

And I'll be saying to myself,

like, "What if you ain't the only motherfucker who dick she cut off?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

That means you could be out there all night trying on dicks.

"Is this my shit?

"That ain't my dick. Damn.

"Where's my dick? Shit."

Then they said they had to call the cops

to go find his dick to sew it back on.

I can see three cops out there with flashlights.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"You know shit is fucked up when we out here looking

"for another motherfucker's dick.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"This shit is crazy. Okay, there it is.

"There... There it goes.

"Uh, Bob, get that."

Crazy shit. And, fellas, y'all got to think to the extreme.

Think further.

Say to yourself, "What if all the women in the world

"looked up to this bitch

"like a role model

"and just start chopping dicks off all over the world?"

That'd be like all these cars they stealing.

We have to get serial numbers branded on our dick.

You see niggers at the police...

"Uh, yeah, I'd like to report a lost dick.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Yeah, B354."

And they could, you know, call you up when they find your car.

"Hello? Yeah, you reported a lost dick?

"Yeah." "Is your shit B354?"

"Yeah, that's mine. That's mine."

"Yeah, we found your shit banged up on the turnpike.

"Yeah, you're missing a head,

"a couple of veins. Are you insured?"

And what if you're insured? You still got to wait. You know how insurance is.

Like with cars, you have to wait so you dickless for about two, three months.

You see fine girls in the club, be like...

All you could do is.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Oh, if I had my shit.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Tell it y'all.

Damn.

White people like my shit. You all like my shit, white people?

You ain't going to say no.

All these brothers in here, how the fuck you gonna say no?

Say, "Yeah, motherfucker," and get up and do this shit.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Come on. See, this is what we wore back in the day.

Y'all wore that other shit, beads and getting all that acid and shit.

This is number high for us.

You put this shit on, y'all wore all that other shit.

Flowers in your ass and shit, you know what I mean?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

We put this shit on, go to a motherfuckin' party.

You didn't get jacked,

'cause motherfucker didn't know if you had a pistol up

on one of these hats.

If I get kicked in the head one of these motherfuckin'... You see this shoe?

Ain't no jacking going on back then.

All right, y'all,

let's keep this motherfucker rolling, rolling, rolling.

From Miami, my man, Mr. Marvin Dixon.

[CHEERING]

Wassup?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

On the house. First thing first,

fellas give these fine ass ladies a hand, man.

That shit must be... Fuck, ladies, give y'all self a hand.

Give yourself a hand,

because that's all your ass gonna get is a hand.

Lebron trust no woman

because they got that little shit between their legs man.

The reason I'm like that, man, because of how they treat brothers at clubs, man.

Treating niggers at clubs talking about, "Girl, he ugly."

"Damn, look how he walk."

"Ew. What he got on?" Let me help you all with some shit,

the ugly niggers are the ones with the flow.

And the pretty motherfuckers are the ones that got to go.

Because who the fuck you think start eating pussy first?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Ugly nigger, he said, "I ain't got shit to lose.

"I'm ugly, I'm broke, fuck it, I'm gonna go for glory.

"Put my face in a place and say my grace."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Because there ain't shit wrong with eating pussy. You eat pussy, bro?

That's why you by yourself.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I'm gonna tell you something, nigger, you fuck with me,

I'll set you free. You better hope your woman don't want to cheat on you,

'cause I see it now. You'll take her out Friday night.

Nigger, I'll take her out Saturday.

You would just fuck her. I fuck and eat the pussy.

I won't call her ass none of that week.

You'll call every day that week.

Matter of fact, you'll go to her house three times that week,

sit around and shit.

She going... You going to call her 2:00 Saturday afternoon.

She finished cleaning up. [IMITATES PHONE RINGING]

"Hey, baby, what's up?"

"Nothing, I just got through cleaning up."

"Well, let's go to the movies and dinner."

"Okay, what time you coming to get me?"

"At 7:00." Nigger, I'm going to call her ass at 6:30.

She ain't heard from my ass through the whole week.

Phone going to ring. [IMITATES PHONE RINGING]

She going to pick up. "Hello? Who is this?"

"Marvin." "Hey!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"How you doing?" "I'm doing all right.

"Why don't you come over to my house?"

"What time you coming to get me?" "I'll come get you at 8:00."

She forgot about your ass.

But she going to remember. She going to call you back and say,

"Hey, hey, I can't make it."

"Why?" you asked. Because your ass was going to take her to the movies,

but, nigger, I'm gonna take her around the world.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Where in the hell would y'all rather go?

That's all right then. But you know why I like that, man?

Because when you was young...

Man, when you were young you had no problem in the world.

No problem with women or nothing,

just happy kicking it with the boys.

No problem. Only problem you had playing kickball

when a nigger roll your ball fast.

You pick it up and throw it back and say,

"My nigger rolled my shit slow."

When you used to go to your cousin's house, you be leaving and shit.

Leaving, going to your cousin's house living life.

All of a sudden your bitch don't open the door.

Your cousin run all the way done touch, you say, "Tea tag."

You got to run that bitch all the way back down to touch his ass again.

You remember that shit when you was a shorty?

You had a problem, well, the loudest power back then

was everybody could dance back then. You remember that shit?

Everybody here could dance, man.

I don't give a fuck how old you was,

how young, you could dance back then. It ain't like that now.

Back then, every song had its own dance. Now?

[EXHALES]

Now, same dance on every song.

Ladies, y'all be doing this shit all night long.

Fellas, y'all ain't no better, you be doing this shit.

The breakdown comes, you just go a little lower.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]This should do.

But the loudest part, I'm going to reminisce on y'all.

I'm gonna take y'all back to when I was a shorty

bringing back up, my kinda style.

Y'all with that?

AUDIENCE: Yeah.Capri, bust it.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[WOMEN CHEERING]

I ain't through with this. I ain't through with y'all.

Capri, slow that motherfucker down. Bust it.

[SLOW MUSIC PLAYING]

[ALL EXCLAIMING]

No, bro.

Speed that bitch up to 90. Bust it.

[HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

[ALL SCREAMING]

Peace. My name's Marvin Dixon.

All right.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

All right. [LAUGHS]

All right, a little Def Jamdong.

Give it up for my man up here. Come on, rebel.

Russell Simmons, he's going back with me.

[CHEERING]

You know I had to pull a bigger suit.

Thanks for coming out, God bless you. Good night.

[HIP HOP SONG PLAYING][AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

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