Original subtitles

KID CAPRI: It's the Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[CHEERING]

Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together

for my main man, Mr. Joe Torry!

[TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Get up for Kid Capri, y'all.

Damn.

The baddest DJ in the land!

Hello, what's up, man?

How you doing? Y'all came out to laugh at me, say, hell yeah.

AUDIENCE: Hell yeah.

All right, we about to have some fun up in this motherfucker.

Touch your hair. I just want to touch that shit.

It's all I wanted to do, make sure the shit was real.

Now, you black?

Half? Wait, you a nigger.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]That's it.

No motherfuckin' half shit.

If you have one ounce of... Drop of black in ya, you're black.

Now, she's white. He black.

See the difference? Feel her hair.

How you say motherfucker?

I don't know.

Well, say it.Motherfucker.

You black, my brother, you black.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]You black.

How you doing, man?

Don't tell me what's goin' on over there. I'm speaking to you, man.

Them old tight-ass Burt Reynold jeans you got on, motherfucker.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

He's sitting there, his nuts is up on his belly button and shit.

[LAUGHS]

You better stretch that shit out, motherfucker,

and do nut swinging shit.

Nuts stacked on top of each other like,

"Nigger, move, get the fuck off me."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS][LAUGHS]

You won't get a yeast infection though. [LAUGHS]

[LAUGHTER]

Man... [LAUGHS]

Man, them tight ass jeans, man.

You cool? I ain't gonna fuck with you.

Shit, it looks like you got a rolling pin in your purse.

[LAUGHING] She'll fuck me up.

She'll go, "Pow!

"I threw the shot put in high school motherfucker."

What's your name?

[SCATTERED LAUGHING]

Don't act all shy.

What's your name?

[SHYLY] Mimi.

[WEAKLY] Mimi.

Oh, shit, I get your ass home, you be like, "Motherfucker,

"take your fucking clothes off."

Mimi wants you.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS][LAUGHS] That shit.

Fuck that. I'm going... I want to give a shout-out to somebody.

That's what I do sometimes, man, let people give a shout-out to whoever.

Mimi, who you want to give a shout out to?

Who at home in the kitchen, you know,

making a fried jelly sandwich or something?

[LAUGHS]

Tell them you going to be home soon, come on, Mimi.

Give a shout out to somebody.

You better say something or I'll take them biscuits out your purse.

I'm trying to be nice.

She's trying to play me.

Give a shout out to somebody.

Say something.

Look at him, "Say something, God damn it. Shit!"

Say something.

You ain't got nothing to say? Why not?

Why?

Aw!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

You better say something to somebody.

I'm gonna bite your nipples off.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Say something to somebody.

Say hi. Where your boyfriend at?

[TALKS INDISTINCTLY]

[MIMICS SOBBING] I don't have a boyfriend.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Well, you got dick in your lap now.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Okay, so say hi to me.

Or you know, say hi to Martin for me.

Say, "Hi, Martin, I miss you."

[CHUCKLES]

You just don't want to say shit, huh?

Fuck, all right, all right. I won't fuck with you.

Who want to say something to somebody?

You? Fuck you.

You probably be like, "Yeah, tell that motherfucker in, uh...

"In... Over in Alcatraz I say wassup!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

You'll be like a jail bait motherfucker.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

I want to give a shout-out to, uh, my friends in Georgia.

You know I don't live there, but, uh,

I like the club Magic City. How y'all doing?

[LAUGHS][AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I'll be there next week. [CHUCKLES]

If y'all don't know what it is, it's a strip club.

Titties just...

[CHUCKLES] Asses and shit.

That's where I go for relaxation.

[LAUGHS][AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Vacation. [LAUGHS]

All right, y'all, y'all ready to kick this show off?

AUDIENCE: Yeah.

Now, y'all with me?AUDIENCE: [LOUDER] Yeah!

Now, are y'all ready

for the next comedian?

AUDIENCE: Damn, is he funny?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

Hell yeah, give it up, from Brooklyn,

for my man Brooklyn Mike.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Give it up for Joe Torry, y'all.

Brooklyn, where y'all at?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

A nigga's just happy. Just happy.

Today is me and my wife's anniversary.

Y'all could give it up for black love.

[APPLAUDING]

Yeah, it's been five years we've been separated.

[LAUGHS][AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

You know, people don't be caring though.

I don't care about nothin'.

No, y'all just get up and do stupid shit now.

You ever get up early in the morning, man,

you got that Speed Stick deodorant? [CHUCKLES]

Now, you know ain't nothing in that motherfucker,

but you still scrape your arm anyway, man.

And then what do you do when a small piece fall on the floor?

You pick that motherfucker right on up.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

Just stupid shit, man.

I do stupid shit.

Last night I had nothing to do, right?

[LAUGHS] So I called up Dionne Warwick

and her psychic friends, right?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

You know, and I'm like, "Hello, Dionne?"

She said, "Hello, who this?"

I said, "No bitch, you psychic. You tell me."

You know, I don't be caring about nothing, man. Nothing.

Motherfuckers going to find me two weeks before Christmas...

Two weeks.

Now, I've been working at McDonald's for 10 years, man.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]You see...

And see everything was cool, right?

Until motherfuckin' Calvin came along.

Oh, you all know who Calvin is.

He's a part of the new management team.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Little Calvin from the corner.

You see... See Calvin going to tell me to get the fries.

And I'm like, "Nigga, please."

You know, I said I'm from Brooklyn, man.

I got to work on the register.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

How else a nigga goin' get paid?

[LAUGHTER]

I don't be caring about nothing, man.

Now black people, we do have our problems, don't get me wrong.

When you come from a big family,

you fight over bullshit. Don't we?

Don't we fight over bullshit?

Like your brother fucking in your shit.

Your sister messing in your shit.

Especially, you ever buy something to drink, man,

put in the refrigerator, go to sleep,

wake up and somebody drank all yo shit?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Man, don't you feel like killing the whole house, man?

'Cause you know it was an inside job.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Man, last week somebody drank my cold, cold Pepsi.

[AUDIENCE GROANS]

Uh-huh. I had my whole family,

Grandma and everybody, at gunpoint

waiting for the first motherfucker to burp.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Come on mother... Who want to take the Pepsi Challenge?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

My motherfucking brother burped, I'm like,

"Bam, bam, motherfucker!"

Y'all back up, this motherfucker up.

I don't care the nigga was only five.

He won't go to daycare telling motherfuckers

he drank my cold, cold Pepsi.

I don't be kidding about stuff, man.

I took my girlfriend to go see Indecent Proposal.

Fellas, I got a question for y'all.

If anybody offered any one of y'all

a million dollars for your girl, your wife, fiance,

would you take it?

You damn right you'll take it, man.

Let somebody... I love my wife to death,

let somebody offered me a million dollars. [CHUCKLES]

Fuck that. Official, she gotta go!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

My name is Brooklyn Mike and you all know I don't be kidding. I'm out.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Brooklyn Mike!

Fuck that, who was he talking about? You?

[SCATTERED LAUGHTER]

I don't see nobody over there that look too, you know,

too bad like he was talking about, I'd go with all y'all.

All three of y'all, y'all got on cowboy boots, too? Shit.

Got some corns?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

You got whatever I got?

My feet look good now.

I ain't the type of person gonna buy a damn shoe

and just squeeze my foot in that motherfucker.

Can I see your feet?

Damn shit.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Motherfucker, I'm toe checking this motherfucker.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]Mmm-mmm-mmm.

[LAUGHING]

These are very suckable.

Goddamn. Uh-huh.

Little damage... Little damage to the pinky, but, uh...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

We can work with the rest of the four of them right now.

Uh-huh.

You'll get these back after the show.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS][LAUGHS]

I got to check the other one out, too, though,

she can have one good foot.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

She could have been on the good foot.

All right,

are y'all ready for the next comedian?

AUDIENCE: Damn, is she funny?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Hey, y'all got that right, too, because it's a "she" from Dallas, Texas.

Give it up for Amazing Grace.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[DEEP VOICE] Cut.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Psyche.

[NORMAL VOICE] Whoop! It ain't real.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

[CLICKS TONGUE]

[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Hi.

[LAUGHS]

[NORMAL VOICE] I know y'all wondering why I'm dressed like this.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You know I know there's a lot of motherfuckers out there

saying he a fool, but you know what?

When you go to Burger King tomorrow and I pull up in my Porsche,

[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] "Give me a burger, nigger."

[AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS]

[NORMAL VOICE] But, you know, the reason why I dress up like a woman

is because I love women, women of all races.

Black, white, Mexican.

[MIMICS SPEAKING CHINESE]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Thank you girl, hey.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

[NORMAL VOICE] Now, I love to hear white women

and black women talk about certain subjects,

especially about sex, okay?

A whole bunch of women together in an office

talking, white woman,

[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] "Last night..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

[NORMAL VOICE] Now, when I talk about

black and white, y'all, I'm not being racial.

We all come from different cultural backgrounds,

and that's what makes us so unique, okay?

That's why I had to put on a little gold,

all this red be kind of boring. [CHUCKLES]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Okay, back to where I was, y'all. Oh, shit. Okay.

[NORMAL VOICE] Okay!

[CLICKS TONGUE]

[HIGH-PITCHED] Yes. You're so stupid.

[SCOFFS] Last night, me and Bob made love.

He laid me down on the bed

at the hotel,

and he went down to bite my navel

and I was like...

[NORMAL VOICE] Now meanwhile, black fish.

[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] And then he went down and he...

[GASPS] And I just...

Oh, my God.

[GASPS][AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Oh, it was just so...

He just paralyzed me. What about you, Debra, girl?

[RASPY VOICE] Ray Ray came over last night.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Girl, you know that motherfucker

makes some good loving, girl.

What do you mean? Girl, he ate my pussy.

[IMITATES DOG CHOMPING]

Girl, you lick my pussy go...

[IMITATES CAT YOWLING]

That was not...

[IMITATES DOG GROWLING]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

[NORMAL VOICE] Now you can tell when a white woman has sex,

she walk like this.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And then you hear that whistle because it's so tight.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[WHISTLING]

Now, you could tell when a black woman have had sex.

[HIGH-PITCHED] Girl, where you going, girl?

I'm going... Can I take off? [DEEP VOICE] Yeah, you can.

[HIGH-PITCHED] Okay then.

[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Then I'm going home, my boyfriend coming in

from football practice.

He been around all these men, I know he gonna tear this up.

Girl, you know, I may be skinny and I'm a snack,

but I'll fill him up in a minute, girl.

[NORMAL VOICE] Next day come to work,

you're gonna talk for...

[HIGH-PITCHED] Girl, was it good?

You heard? She getting out of the car? Yeah.

I wonder how she look.

[HIGH-PITCHED] Hey, y'all.[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[NORMAL VOICE] I'm out of here, goodbye.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Amazing Grace.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]Is your foot cold?

Your foot cold? It's still warm?

Mmm-hmm.

I got to take the other boot.

Then the jeans, then the drawers.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING][CHUCKLING]

Got to work my way up.

Goddamn.

From Cleveland, Ohio, but he's really from like Fort Lauderdale,

and you seen him in a movie with me,

Cousin Pete, Poetic Justice.

Get up for my man, Special K.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Y'all looking at me like I'm the wrong motherfucker, man.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Now, you weren't looking for that little bitty fat motherfucker

with the Winnie the Pooh shoes on to come out here.

But it's me, Cousin Pete,

Special K in the house. New York.

I'm happy too. Are you happy?

AUDIENCE: Yes.I mean, you ought to be happy,

1993 was a rough year, y'all.

Had hurricane, riots, flood,

and now you got earthquake.

I'm happy to be alive this long in 1994.

A lot of people wait...

A lot of people wait till the end of the show

and they say I want to thank God, and they get the hell on up.

I want to thank my God right now, see?

[CHUCKLES][AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Oh, yeah.

See, because I know

that there was somebody somewhere

woke up this morning

deader than a motherfucker.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

They knew right away it wasn't gonna be a good day for them.

[LAUGHTER]

I've got to get out of here, but I got to tell you,

don't be a dog. Be like my buddy.

My buddy man, he was a dog,

got a girl pregnant back in high school,

had to pay child support for the next 18 goddamn years.

Month after month

after every goddamn month

he had to pay that child support.

Finally, his daughter turned 18 years old,

he called up to the house.

"K., you better come over to my house, boy.

"We're having a party. You know what today is?"

I said, "No, man, what's today?"

He said, "Today is my daughter's 18th birthday today,

"and do you know what that mean?"

I said, "No, man. What do that mean?"

He said, "That mean that after 18 goddamn years,

"that the last check she gonna ever get from me. Now, watch this."

He said, "Baby, I want you to take this check home to your mama.

"I want you to tell her that after 18 goddamn years..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"...month after month,

"after every goddamn month,

"this the last one.

"This is it.

"She ain't never gonna get shit from me again.

"And I want you to look at the expression on that bitch face."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

She took the check home and she gave it to her.

And she came on back and said, "Daddy, I did it."

He said, "What did that bitch have to say?"

"She said to tell you that you ain't my father..."

[LOUD LAUGHTER]

"Then...

"Then she wanted me to look at the expression

"on your goddamn face."

I've got to go, peace out.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

[RAP MUSIC PLAYING]

Special goddamn K.

Give it up to him one more time.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Look at the expression on my goddamn face.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I need some smelling salt.

Should I give the boot back yet?

AUDIENCE: No.

Yeah. What y'all say?

Should I give the boot back?AUDIENCE: No!

Should I give the boot back?

AUDIENCE: No.

KID CAPRI: Let's take a smell test.AUDIENCE: [SCATTERED] No!

Smell test...KID CAPRI: Pass it around the room.

Okay, do it.

AUDIENCE: No!

Somebody whiter smell this damn boot. Come on.

Come on, tugboat, come smell the boot, man.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]Come on, man.

Come on up here and come and smell the goddamn boot.

What the fuck is your problem?

How the boot smell?

[LAUGHS][AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

That's your own feet.

Boots smell good.

[SNIFFS]

Can't have the boot back.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

This might fit.

Don't try to grab this motherfucker either.

All right.

Kid!

[SCATTERED LAUGHTER]

KID CAPRI: Can I come get that shit?

Say what?Can I come get that shit?

You come get the boot then.

God damn it. Kid gonna put a smell test on.

All right, I'll do the music for you. Come up here and shit.

[BEAT-BOXING]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

♪ Here comes Kid Capri

The fuck you goin'? We got a show to do.

[LAUGHING] What is wrong with him?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

[JOE TORRY LAUGHS]

Get your ass back in the booth, man.

Don't give the boot back.

Yo, sock, give me the goddamn boot.

She ain't getting the boot back. I want the ass, give me the boot.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Damn, Kid Capri, y'all.

No one ever get to see his ass back in the booth.

Check this out.

Give it up for my man who pay all the goddamn bills...

Mr. Russell Simmons.

Thanks for coming out. God bless you, good night.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

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