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[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
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00:00:09,748 --> 00:00:11,838
KID CAPRI:
It's the Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.
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00:00:35,948 --> 00:00:38,598
KID CAPRI: Ladies
and gentlemen, put your hands together for my main man,
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00:00:40,170 --> 00:00:41,520
Mr. Joe Torry!
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What's up?
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Y'all give it up for
Kid Capri, my mothafuckin' DJ.
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[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
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Kid in the goddamn house.
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00:00:55,707 --> 00:00:56,927
Y'all came up to laugh let
me hear you say, "Hell, yeah".
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00:00:56,969 --> 00:00:59,149
AUDIENCE: Hell, yeah!
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00:00:59,189 --> 00:01:02,449
All right.
We gonna kick this mothafucka in the ass.
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00:01:02,497 --> 00:01:04,367
How you doin'?
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00:01:04,412 --> 00:01:05,982
How you doin'?
And he'd know. I know he come here every fuckin' show.
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00:01:08,807 --> 00:01:12,247
Every year. You can't hide
with that shit nowhere.
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00:01:15,640 --> 00:01:17,210
You want attention mothafucka?
You got it. And you...
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00:01:20,297 --> 00:01:21,557
Foxy brown, how you doin?
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00:01:23,344 --> 00:01:25,044
Now, is that your shit?
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00:01:25,085 --> 00:01:26,165
For real?
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00:01:26,216 --> 00:01:28,866
Bring that shit up here.
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Come on. I just want
to test and see.
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Bring that shit up here.
You and them fuckin'... Say what?
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AUDIENCE MEMBER:
[INAUDIBLE]Say what?
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AUDIENCE MEMBER:
[INAUDIBLE]I'm not gonna grab it.
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They want to see
your fuckin' hair.
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Bring that shit up here.
Bring that mothafucka...
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I'll run out there and
snatch that shit off.
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[AUDIENCE CHEERING]Get that shit up here.
Come on!
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Oh, she gonna get
a little switch on with them mothafuckas.
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[JOE MUMMERING]
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AUDIENCE MEMBER:
Snatch it off.
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Snatch it off?
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00:02:01,904 --> 00:02:03,344
Snatch it off?[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
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00:02:06,778 --> 00:02:08,298
She probably got two braids
on that mothafucka.
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00:02:10,608 --> 00:02:14,048
Snatchin' that mothafucka off.
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Two braids. Snatch it off,
there be some Africans watchin' this
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talkin' about sista!
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Fuck it, look at this shit.
All right, cool.
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You all right, though,
what's your name?
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[INAUDIBLE]JOE: Cynthia?
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00:02:26,494 --> 00:02:28,634
Came up with her
little mothafuckin' walk and shit.
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Ain't got no hips just...
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00:02:32,456 --> 00:02:33,936
Hey, what's up, Mr. White Man?
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Another Mr. White Man
in the house, how you doin'?
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You could have shaved, man.
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You could have shaved.
Who you with?
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Who you with, huh?
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Oh.
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Got you a Nubian sista
and shit.
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She got that shit
all wrapped up like a Muslim and shit,
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but she got with her.
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You're fakin' it, you fakin'
in front of everybody.
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Part-time Muslim, huh?
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Have half a pork chop sandwich
in her back pocket.
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I ain't a Muslim today.
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You're cool, man.
You're kickin' it with the black folk,
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00:03:08,623 --> 00:03:09,753
man, let me hear you
say, "Mothafucka."
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Come on, man, say it.
You gotta say it.
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If you gonna be here with us,
you got to say it like this, mothafucka.
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Holler that shit out.
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Hey.
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I'll jump down there with
a goddamn stay soft fro and fuck you up.
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]You gonna say it?
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[MOCKING VOICE]:
I'll say it.[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
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00:03:34,257 --> 00:03:37,037
This mothafucka,
probably got a bomb strapped to his ass right now just
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waitin' for us to fuck up.
Just be like click click, let's fuck up niggas.
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Won't be nothing but
afros and chicken wings around this mothafucka.
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Ch'yeah. So, y'all ready
to have a good time?
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00:03:47,183 --> 00:03:48,403
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
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00:03:52,623 --> 00:03:54,843
So, y'all ready to have
a good time?
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AUDIENCE: Yeah.Y'all ready to tear this
mothafucka up?
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00:03:56,975 --> 00:03:59,015
AUDIENCE: Yeah.Check this out.
This is what we do here.
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We do some shit different
every time.
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All right, 'cause this is
the Uncle Joey show now,
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00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:04,813
and y'all
got to be with me. Now y'all ready to do this?
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All right.
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Are y'all ready?
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For the next comedian?
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AUDIENCE: Shit, is he funny?
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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00:04:19,128 --> 00:04:20,428
Hell, yeah.
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00:04:20,477 --> 00:04:21,957
[RAP BEAT]
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Comin' to the stage from DC,
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00:04:24,307 --> 00:04:26,047
please welcome
funny young man,
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Mr. Donnell Rawlings.
Give it up.
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[MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
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00:04:35,971 --> 00:04:37,841
What's up?AUDIENCE: What's up?
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00:04:37,886 --> 00:04:40,886
Who the fuck told y'all
to stop clappin'?
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Joe Torry, is he funny.
Lookin' like a black cowboy on steroids and shit.
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00:04:46,895 --> 00:04:49,545
What's up, man?
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00:04:49,593 --> 00:04:52,383
So, my mother was in
entertainment. My mother forced me into comedy
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because my mother was a...
A... A ventriloquist.
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00:04:55,904 --> 00:04:58,474
A department
store ventriloquist.
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You know how you'll
be in the back of the department store
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00:05:00,474 --> 00:05:03,354
fuckin' with the G.I. Joes,
and you go say, "Ma,
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00:05:03,390 --> 00:05:05,610
"can I have this G.I. Joe?"
Then they grit they teeth, their lips don't move
96
00:05:05,653 --> 00:05:07,573
and they be talkin' and shit.
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00:05:07,611 --> 00:05:09,351
"If you don't put that
shit down I swear to god,
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"I'm gonna knock the shit
outta yo ass."
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00:05:11,789 --> 00:05:13,749
I'm lookin' behind like,
"Who said that, who said that."
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00:05:13,791 --> 00:05:17,361
"I said, I will knock the
shit out of yo ass."
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Don't fuck with my mother,
man, she wouldn't buy us toys and shit.
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She ain't buy us shit.
One year my mother said, "Okay, y'all been nice,
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"I'mma get y'all a bike."
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But I didn't want a bike,
because your mother say certain shit.
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What's the last thing,
when you get your first bike,
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what's the last thing
your mother tell you?
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"Look, don't let nobody
ride that bike." Them mothafuckas know.
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Don't...
You know Fat Tyrone
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and them boys in the
projects are takin' peoples' bikes.
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I said, "I ain't gon' let..."
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"Look I...
Don't let nobody ride that bike."
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I said, "I ain't gon' let..."
So, I'm goin', takin' my bike down the steps.
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I get on the street,
first person I see, Fat Tyrone.
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Eatin' a fried bologna,
egg and cheese sandwich.
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Oh, y'all...
Oh, you don't remember the fried...
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Remember the fried
bologna sandwiches?
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You put the bologna in
the pan and the heat gets to it
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and it pop up like
a parachute and shit?
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[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]And you try to flip it
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00:06:01,578 --> 00:06:04,318
and get that shit to flip
back the other way?
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Then a motha talkin'
'bout "Cut the corners off, cut the corners off!"
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And I know the red...
Remember the red rope? That was the bonus,
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where it was like,
"Give it here, give it here, give it here!"
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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Fat Ass... Fat Tyron,
can to me eating one of them sandwiches.
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"Donnell, can I
ride your bike?"
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"Nah, you can't.
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"My mother said I
can't let anybody ride my bike."
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"Come on, man,
let me ride yo bike."
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"Nah, nigga.
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"My motha said
I can't let anybody ride my bike."
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Then they hit you with some
shit that make you think.
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"Let me ride yo bike.
I ain't goin' nowhere." Remember hearin' that shit?
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I ain't goin' nowhere
but to the fuckin' corner.
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00:06:42,924 --> 00:06:45,454
Now you done gave him
your bike at five o'clock in the evening.
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00:06:45,492 --> 00:06:48,362
It's four o'clock in the
mornin' now.
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00:06:48,408 --> 00:06:51,318
And you know you can't go in
the house because your motha gonna whoop yo ass.
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You be on the curb.
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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[STUTTERING]
"Anybody... Anybody seen Fat Tyrone?"
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"Last time I saw him he was
had yo bike going to Coney Island."
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[STUTTERING]
"I... I... I... I... I tried... I tried... I
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"Tellin' that nigga
I can't let nobody ride my bike."
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[STUTTERING]
"He going... He going... He was tryin'... Tryin'...
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"Takin' my bike 'cause he
told me he ain't goin' nowhere."
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There be another dude
coming down the street.
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Another dude coming
down the street. "A-ha.
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"Fat Tyrone took
your bike, didn't he?
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00:07:41,983 --> 00:07:44,813
"You better get outta
my face, nigga.
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00:07:44,855 --> 00:07:46,465
"That's why yo
motha's a prostitute now."
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00:07:49,730 --> 00:07:51,820
"My motha is not no
prostitute."
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"All right then,
all right then,
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"if yo motha ain't
no prostitute,
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"why she always have
new clothes and,
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"and don't nobody
see her go to work in the morning?"
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00:08:00,436 --> 00:08:02,566
Then you hear
your mother. "Donnell,
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00:08:02,612 --> 00:08:04,402
"bring your ass
in the house, boy.
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00:08:04,440 --> 00:08:05,660
"Where your damn bike?"
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00:08:09,053 --> 00:08:12,363
[PRETENDING TO CRY AND GASP]
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And then you know
you're gonna get yo ass whooped, you will lie,
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00:08:15,320 --> 00:08:18,110
you will tell shit that
ain't even... Yo motha didn't even ask you and shit.
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00:08:18,149 --> 00:08:20,109
And you... And you will put
people in your story that wasn't even there.
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[STUTTERING]
"I... I... I... I... My bike?
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00:08:23,024 --> 00:08:26,384
"I... I... You... You...
You said I can't let nobody ride my bike, right?"
165
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"And... And then...
And then... And then Tom and them niggas,
166
00:08:29,857 --> 00:08:32,767
"they... You gonna let him
ride yo bike, he... He... He ain't even goin' nowhere.
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00:08:32,816 --> 00:08:36,036
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]"I ain't even seen him.
168
00:08:36,080 --> 00:08:40,300
"I got an A in math today."
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00:08:40,345 --> 00:08:43,165
I was around my old
neighborhood out there, and I saw these kids ridin'
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00:08:43,218 --> 00:08:46,568
their bikes, I said, "I know
times ain't changed that much." I know parents tellin'
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00:08:46,613 --> 00:08:48,483
"Don't let nobody
ride their bike."
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00:08:48,528 --> 00:08:49,958
And I just wanted to hear it.
And this dude rode passed and I said,
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00:08:50,007 --> 00:08:52,137
"I know he gon' say it."
I said, "Shorty.
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00:08:53,620 --> 00:08:56,060
"Come here, man.
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00:08:56,100 --> 00:08:57,930
"Can I ride your bike?"
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00:08:57,972 --> 00:09:00,502
Dude said,
"Fuck you and Fat Tyron."
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00:09:00,540 --> 00:09:03,280
Look my name is Donnell,
thanks for your time, I'm out of here.
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00:09:03,325 --> 00:09:04,535
[MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
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00:09:13,988 --> 00:09:17,638
Yeah, that's who the
mothafucka was, Donnell. So y'all laughed at that shit.
180
00:09:17,687 --> 00:09:20,337
Calling me a damn cowboy
on steroids and y'all laughed at this.
181
00:09:22,997 --> 00:09:25,867
He fuckin' with me
and y'all laugh.
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00:09:25,913 --> 00:09:28,613
Next time somebody fuck
with me slap the shit out outta of them, all right?
183
00:09:28,655 --> 00:09:30,175
You got my back?
Jump up here and slap the shit out of them, all right?
184
00:09:30,221 --> 00:09:32,141
All right.
185
00:09:32,180 --> 00:09:34,180
All right, mothafucka.
186
00:09:34,225 --> 00:09:37,485
Got my goddamn back,
fuckin' with me.
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00:09:37,533 --> 00:09:39,273
He won't be on the show
fuckin' with me like that.
188
00:09:42,190 --> 00:09:43,450
Hurt my goddamn feelings.
189
00:09:45,976 --> 00:09:48,276
I didn't say
nothin' to him, did I?
190
00:09:48,326 --> 00:09:51,026
Did I? Mr. White Man,
why you gotta fuck with me, man?
191
00:09:51,068 --> 00:09:52,848
Said the bomb shit,
why didn't you just go click, click, click, click?
192
00:09:57,684 --> 00:09:59,564
I'm cool, man? Thanks.
193
00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:01,689
Why don't you say
mothafucka for me then?
194
00:10:01,731 --> 00:10:03,691
Since he won't say
mothafucka, why don't you say it for him?
195
00:10:03,733 --> 00:10:05,083
AUDIENCE MEMBER 1: Mothafucka.[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
196
00:10:08,738 --> 00:10:10,698
You just blew it.
197
00:10:10,740 --> 00:10:13,660
"Motherfucker."[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
198
00:10:13,700 --> 00:10:15,830
[SHOUTS] Mothafucka!
199
00:10:15,876 --> 00:10:17,226
Come on.
200
00:10:17,268 --> 00:10:18,658
Mothafucka![AUDIENCE CHEERS]
201
00:10:22,360 --> 00:10:24,930
You can say that shit,
can't you?
202
00:10:24,972 --> 00:10:26,672
Come here. Come here,
Mr. White man, you about to be Def Jam-ised.
203
00:10:26,713 --> 00:10:28,893
Come on.
204
00:10:28,932 --> 00:10:30,802
Come up, man,
come on up here and say mothafucka.
205
00:10:30,847 --> 00:10:32,327
Show your white friends how
to say mothafucka.
206
00:10:36,113 --> 00:10:38,863
Shit.
207
00:10:38,899 --> 00:10:41,159
Mothafucka![AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
208
00:10:49,039 --> 00:10:50,299
There's no hope
209
00:10:52,390 --> 00:10:55,960
in the white community.
210
00:10:56,003 --> 00:10:57,663
Should have said it right.
If y'all said it right, man,
211
00:10:57,700 --> 00:11:00,490
your dick would have
grew like this.
212
00:11:00,529 --> 00:11:01,839
Now you gotta stay
with little pee wee.
213
00:11:03,358 --> 00:11:05,058
All right,
214
00:11:05,099 --> 00:11:06,709
are y'all ready
215
00:11:06,753 --> 00:11:11,063
for this next comedian?
216
00:11:11,105 --> 00:11:13,235
AUDIENCE: Is he funny?
217
00:11:16,327 --> 00:11:19,807
From Trenton, New Jersey,
Sexy-ass Sommore. Give it up.
218
00:11:19,853 --> 00:11:21,253
[MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
219
00:11:30,646 --> 00:11:32,596
Hey, how y'all doin'?
220
00:11:32,648 --> 00:11:34,258
Can I ask y'all a question?
221
00:11:34,302 --> 00:11:37,442
Do the ladies run
this mothafucka?
222
00:11:37,479 --> 00:11:39,919
AUDIENCE: Yeah!
223
00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:41,740
Yes, y'all sound like it's
definitely goin' to be on tonight.
224
00:11:41,788 --> 00:11:42,878
How are my home girls
doin' in the house?
225
00:11:45,139 --> 00:11:47,049
Ladies, let me tell
you somethin'.
226
00:11:47,097 --> 00:11:49,487
When you're lookin' good and
you got it goin' on,
227
00:11:49,534 --> 00:11:52,284
there's nothin' wrong
with lettin' the brothas
228
00:11:52,320 --> 00:11:54,760
know that you got it
goin' on, okay?
229
00:11:54,801 --> 00:11:57,241
That's why when a man
come up to me talkin' 'bout, "Baby,
230
00:11:58,935 --> 00:12:00,195
"what yo name is?"
231
00:12:03,679 --> 00:12:05,769
Honey, I simply tell him,
I say, "Rent.
232
00:12:09,946 --> 00:12:11,856
"Mothafucka car noter."
233
00:12:13,820 --> 00:12:16,430
See what I'm sayin'?
234
00:12:16,474 --> 00:12:19,224
Ladies, you got to let him
know where you comin' from right from the beginning.
235
00:12:19,260 --> 00:12:22,220
'Cause people are
always askin' me crazy questions, they say,
236
00:12:22,263 --> 00:12:25,313
"Well, Sommore, you know,
we know you're tryin' to be a comedian and everything.
237
00:12:25,353 --> 00:12:27,793
"But would you
fuck somebody
238
00:12:27,834 --> 00:12:29,534
"to get a part
in a movie?"
239
00:12:29,574 --> 00:12:30,924
I said, "Look, God dammit,
240
00:12:33,100 --> 00:12:35,800
"don't ask me
no shit like that.
241
00:12:35,842 --> 00:12:38,632
"'Cause not only would I
fuck somebody to get a part in a movie,
242
00:12:38,670 --> 00:12:41,060
"I would fuck somebody
to get a part in my hair, okay?"
243
00:12:43,501 --> 00:12:46,331
Boo. Baby, I would
fuck for a buck
244
00:12:46,374 --> 00:12:48,464
and do somethin' strange
for some change, you hear me?[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
245
00:12:50,378 --> 00:12:52,768
Boo. I'm serious.
246
00:12:56,688 --> 00:13:00,428
Hey, you can call me what
you want but you will not call me broke, okay?
247
00:13:02,869 --> 00:13:05,349
Boo.
248
00:13:05,393 --> 00:13:07,963
Shit, I'm serious.
'Cause see, I'm just a woman of the nineties.
249
00:13:08,004 --> 00:13:10,574
I'm in the club,
I'm chillin', brotha walk up to me talkin' about,
250
00:13:10,615 --> 00:13:12,305
"Baby, let me buy
you a drink."
251
00:13:12,356 --> 00:13:15,616
Hell, no, mothafucka,
buy me groceries.
252
00:13:15,664 --> 00:13:18,624
Fuck a damn drink,
you know what I mean?
253
00:13:18,667 --> 00:13:21,707
Boo. And see, I know all the
brothas lookin' at me like,
254
00:13:21,757 --> 00:13:23,717
"Damn, she's nothin'
but a gold digger."
255
00:13:23,759 --> 00:13:27,329
But you know what?
You're goddamn right.
256
00:13:27,371 --> 00:13:30,071
'Cause I got dirt
under my fingernails,
257
00:13:30,113 --> 00:13:35,123
I keep a shovel in my shoe in
case I run into somebody with some money.
258
00:13:35,162 --> 00:13:38,512
I'm serious. And see that's
the hardest thing about bein' a gold digger though.
259
00:13:38,556 --> 00:13:41,386
People often confuse
you with bein' a ho.
260
00:13:41,429 --> 00:13:43,209
'Cause see... I'mma tell you
the difference.
261
00:13:43,257 --> 00:13:45,687
'Cause see, a ho would
just suck your dick.
262
00:13:47,914 --> 00:13:49,264
Just suck your dick.
263
00:13:49,306 --> 00:13:50,656
But see now,
a gold digger,
264
00:13:50,699 --> 00:13:51,919
like myself...
265
00:13:53,658 --> 00:13:55,918
I'm not just gon'
suck your dick,
266
00:13:55,965 --> 00:13:58,835
but see,
if the price is right,
267
00:13:58,881 --> 00:14:00,061
I'll hold it in my mouth
till the swellin' go down. You see what I'm sayin'?
268
00:14:01,623 --> 00:14:02,753
A little something.
269
00:14:02,798 --> 00:14:05,538
Yo, my name is Sommore!
270
00:14:05,583 --> 00:14:06,853
[MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
271
00:14:14,201 --> 00:14:16,121
Sommore!
272
00:14:16,159 --> 00:14:17,469
Give it up for Sommore.
273
00:14:19,119 --> 00:14:21,209
Suck your dick
274
00:14:21,251 --> 00:14:23,561
and hold it in ya mouth
275
00:14:23,601 --> 00:14:25,431
till the swellin' goes down.
276
00:14:27,344 --> 00:14:28,614
Unbelievable.
277
00:14:31,740 --> 00:14:34,440
Put your hands
together, from NYC, your own,
278
00:14:34,482 --> 00:14:36,092
Wyatt the One Man Riot.
279
00:14:36,136 --> 00:14:37,916
Give it up.
280
00:14:37,964 --> 00:14:39,234
[MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
281
00:14:50,324 --> 00:14:52,594
Wait.
282
00:14:52,630 --> 00:14:54,460
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Hurry up.All right.
Calm down, mothafuckas.
283
00:14:54,502 --> 00:14:55,902
Oh, look at that...
Oh, goddamn.
284
00:14:57,548 --> 00:14:59,718
You a big mothafucka.
285
00:14:59,768 --> 00:15:02,418
Shit, you and your man.
286
00:15:02,466 --> 00:15:03,766
If you sit over here,
y'all fart, you could warm this whole place up.
287
00:15:05,948 --> 00:15:07,378
It's fuckin' cold, man,
it's ridiculous.
288
00:15:09,038 --> 00:15:11,428
Ridiculous.
289
00:15:11,475 --> 00:15:13,085
Crime is bad.
And they blame... "It's the black youths,
290
00:15:13,129 --> 00:15:13,959
"they're killin'
each fuckin' other."
291
00:15:15,131 --> 00:15:17,131
It's not.
292
00:15:17,177 --> 00:15:19,657
It's the people they got
protectin' us fuckin' up.
293
00:15:19,701 --> 00:15:22,141
They hired
a handicapped cop.
294
00:15:22,182 --> 00:15:24,362
Yeah, a cop with
an eye-patch.
295
00:15:24,401 --> 00:15:25,751
Mothafuckas just doin' crime
all over here.
296
00:15:28,057 --> 00:15:29,317
"What's going on over here?"
297
00:15:31,408 --> 00:15:33,148
Just ridiculous, man.
298
00:15:33,193 --> 00:15:35,673
I hate criminals, man,
I get tired of them.
299
00:15:35,717 --> 00:15:38,287
By round of applause,
how many people know somebody in jail?
300
00:15:38,328 --> 00:15:41,068
Doesn't it get you mad,
callin' you collect?
301
00:15:41,114 --> 00:15:43,814
I got a partner called
me collect, Bulldog.
302
00:15:43,855 --> 00:15:45,205
Talkin' about,
"I take care of you when I get out."
303
00:15:46,815 --> 00:15:49,115
He got 25 to life.
304
00:15:49,165 --> 00:15:51,985
When you gon' take care of me?
305
00:15:52,038 --> 00:15:54,518
And then they send you
them letters, they dumb as hell till they get in jail.
306
00:15:54,562 --> 00:15:58,832
They send you them letters,
and they start off the same way every time.
307
00:15:58,870 --> 00:16:01,000
Am I right?
If I hit it, y'all let me know.
308
00:16:01,047 --> 00:16:02,917
"By the time this letter
reaches you,
309
00:16:02,962 --> 00:16:05,182
"I hope you and your family
is in the best of health,
310
00:16:05,225 --> 00:16:07,045
"physically as
well as mentally.
311
00:16:07,096 --> 00:16:10,096
"As for myself,
I'm maintaining my composure
312
00:16:10,143 --> 00:16:13,543
"and makin'
the best of a bad situation.
313
00:16:13,581 --> 00:16:16,411
"PS, can you put
a few dollars in my commissary?"
314
00:16:16,453 --> 00:16:18,723
I'm not sendin' them
mothafuckas shit.
315
00:16:18,760 --> 00:16:21,680
Nah, 'cause
they kill me, man.
316
00:16:21,719 --> 00:16:24,029
When they go to court,
they tough as hell till the judge give them a few years.
317
00:16:24,070 --> 00:16:25,160
They come in there with
that walk and shit. They come in there...
318
00:16:27,203 --> 00:16:29,513
"Oh, what the fuck?
319
00:16:29,553 --> 00:16:32,173
"Damn, it's the devil!
320
00:16:32,208 --> 00:16:34,908
"Leroy Baby Jefferson,
how much time you want to give a mothafucka?
321
00:16:34,950 --> 00:16:37,130
"Can't handle all that.
322
00:16:37,170 --> 00:16:39,300
"What's that calculator for?"
323
00:16:39,346 --> 00:16:40,606
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
324
00:16:43,089 --> 00:16:44,219
"Judge says, '18 years.'
325
00:16:44,264 --> 00:16:47,884
"How much? 18?
Damn.
326
00:16:47,919 --> 00:16:49,969
"Damn."
That's when he try to hold them tears, like,
327
00:16:50,009 --> 00:16:52,049
"Aw, shit.
328
00:16:52,098 --> 00:16:53,838
"Oh, fuck, oh, man."
329
00:16:57,059 --> 00:16:59,369
Me, I can't go to jail.
330
00:16:59,409 --> 00:17:01,409
I'm allergic
to gettin' fucked.
331
00:17:01,455 --> 00:17:04,195
My doctor told me.
332
00:17:04,240 --> 00:17:05,460
I got to jail, the first thing
I'm gonna do is crazy glue my asshole shut.
333
00:17:10,942 --> 00:17:12,342
Then I'mma razor
sharpen my teeth.
334
00:17:13,728 --> 00:17:14,988
"Anybody want any head?"
335
00:17:16,948 --> 00:17:18,518
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND APPLAUDING]
336
00:17:20,778 --> 00:17:22,558
Nah, I'm just playing.
337
00:17:22,606 --> 00:17:24,776
Women, y'all just givin'
up pussy for coke.
338
00:17:24,826 --> 00:17:27,566
Yeah, you can get some pussy,
if you got some nose candy.
339
00:17:27,611 --> 00:17:30,221
'Cause back in the days
we didn't even have any nose candy.
340
00:17:30,266 --> 00:17:31,916
We told them it
was nose candy.
341
00:17:31,963 --> 00:17:35,013
It was actually
crushed up aspirin.
342
00:17:35,054 --> 00:17:37,974
They didn't get high but
they head was clearer than a mothafucka.
343
00:17:38,013 --> 00:17:40,493
Just clear.
344
00:17:40,537 --> 00:17:42,967
Stop complainin' about us
comin' quick, it ain't our fault.
345
00:17:43,018 --> 00:17:45,798
Some of y'all got that...
Good shit.
346
00:17:45,847 --> 00:17:48,457
You ever get that shit
you can't hang on to,
347
00:17:48,502 --> 00:17:50,552
but a couple
of good strokes comin' in...
348
00:17:50,591 --> 00:17:52,981
Boom!
I'mma tear this mothafucka up.
349
00:17:53,028 --> 00:17:54,288
What? Girl.
350
00:17:54,334 --> 00:17:55,554
What? Girl.
351
00:17:55,596 --> 00:17:56,856
What?
352
00:18:02,037 --> 00:18:04,467
Bitch. Don't move.
353
00:18:04,518 --> 00:18:06,648
Oh, shit you moved!
354
00:18:09,871 --> 00:18:13,141
Some of y'all got that
shit that's so good I call it zombie pussy.
355
00:18:13,179 --> 00:18:14,789
Y'all be in the other room
and just whistle, we...
356
00:18:20,969 --> 00:18:24,019
Fellas, some of y'all,
fellas gotta get your toe nails cut.
357
00:18:24,059 --> 00:18:26,149
Get them
mothafuckas cut, man.
358
00:18:26,192 --> 00:18:29,112
Girl layin' there all
cute with her ass up, right?
359
00:18:29,151 --> 00:18:31,721
You tryin' to take off her
drawers with your feet, just rippin' her ass off.
360
00:18:31,762 --> 00:18:34,852
Just... Just cuttin'
her ass all up.
361
00:18:34,896 --> 00:18:38,806
Just cuttin' her ass.
She's tryin' to act like she don't feel the mothafucka.
362
00:18:38,856 --> 00:18:40,596
Just...
Ass just cut up.
363
00:18:42,121 --> 00:18:43,341
Shut the fuck up.
364
00:18:46,777 --> 00:18:49,167
Whatever you do,
wear some condoms, man.
365
00:18:49,215 --> 00:18:51,085
All kinds of shit in pussies.
366
00:18:51,130 --> 00:18:52,260
Yeah.
367
00:18:52,305 --> 00:18:54,475
Little sharks in pussies.
368
00:18:54,524 --> 00:18:57,574
Just swimmin' around.
[IMITATING JAWSTHEME]
369
00:18:57,614 --> 00:19:00,494
[IMITATING JAWSTHEME]
370
00:19:00,530 --> 00:19:03,190
Look at the fellas laughin',
it ain't just pussies.
371
00:19:03,229 --> 00:19:05,319
It ain't just pussies.
372
00:19:05,361 --> 00:19:07,191
All you fellas with that
extra meat on your dick.
373
00:19:07,233 --> 00:19:09,063
Get that shit cut off.
374
00:19:09,104 --> 00:19:11,544
You ugly dick, mothafuckas.
375
00:19:11,585 --> 00:19:14,455
Dick just bustin' out.
376
00:19:14,501 --> 00:19:15,891
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND APPLAUDING]
377
00:19:30,386 --> 00:19:34,866
Look, I had a beautiful time,
thank you, God bless. Wyatt the One Man Riot.
378
00:19:34,912 --> 00:19:36,742
[MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
379
00:19:42,398 --> 00:19:43,748
Wyatt the One Man Riot.
380
00:19:46,794 --> 00:19:48,404
Are y'all ready?
381
00:19:48,448 --> 00:19:50,538
And y'all gonna love it.
382
00:19:50,580 --> 00:19:53,020
A friend of mine,
used to write for Arsenio,
383
00:19:53,061 --> 00:19:55,501
he works with Martin
and shit now.
384
00:19:55,542 --> 00:19:57,242
Give it up for
this funny mothafucka,
385
00:19:57,283 --> 00:19:58,893
and you gonna crack
when you see him.
386
00:19:58,936 --> 00:20:00,626
J. Anthony Brown,
give it to him.
387
00:20:00,677 --> 00:20:01,847
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
388
00:20:09,817 --> 00:20:12,597
How y'all doin'?
Watch out there now, how you doin'?
389
00:20:12,646 --> 00:20:15,256
All y'all up in this
mothafucka, huh?
390
00:20:15,301 --> 00:20:18,091
Oh, y'all a good crowd,
good crowd, 'cause you're laughing, see?
391
00:20:18,129 --> 00:20:20,569
Black people got a
different way of laughin'.
392
00:20:20,610 --> 00:20:22,090
We ain't finished laughin'
till we put that little thing on in our laugh.
393
00:20:22,133 --> 00:20:23,573
[LAUGHS]
394
00:20:25,615 --> 00:20:27,395
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
395
00:20:27,443 --> 00:20:28,623
We ain't finished.
396
00:20:28,662 --> 00:20:29,922
[LAUGHS]
397
00:20:32,492 --> 00:20:34,802
So glad the holidays are over.
398
00:20:34,842 --> 00:20:36,892
All my grandparents
and shit, my aunts, all them gone
399
00:20:36,931 --> 00:20:39,281
back home and shit, you know
what I'm talkin' 'bout?
400
00:20:39,325 --> 00:20:40,845
Had that uncle to my house,
make that snorting noise in the mornin'.
401
00:20:40,891 --> 00:20:42,071
You know what
I'm talkin' about?
402
00:20:42,110 --> 00:20:43,290
Wake up in the morning...
403
00:20:43,329 --> 00:20:45,639
[GRUNTING SNORTING NOISES]
404
00:20:45,679 --> 00:20:47,509
"I'm gon' cook
somethin' to eat, anybody want somethin'?"
405
00:20:47,550 --> 00:20:50,600
Hell, no, get yo'
nasty ass out the kitchen.
406
00:20:50,640 --> 00:20:53,250
You look in the restroom,
he butt flossin' with your good towels.
407
00:20:53,295 --> 00:20:55,075
You know what
I'm talkin' bout?
408
00:20:55,123 --> 00:20:56,173
Got yo' big fluffy towels
all in his butt.
409
00:20:58,735 --> 00:21:00,295
"What you want me
to do with this?"
410
00:21:00,346 --> 00:21:01,556
"Take it home
with yo' nasty ass."
411
00:21:05,002 --> 00:21:06,832
I don't like none of
my damn relatives.
412
00:21:06,874 --> 00:21:09,054
I got a blind aunt,
totally blind.
413
00:21:09,093 --> 00:21:10,363
Now y'all feel sorry for her
and you ain't even met her.
414
00:21:10,399 --> 00:21:12,309
You ain't met the damn lady.
415
00:21:12,358 --> 00:21:13,878
You ever watch television
with a blind person?
416
00:21:13,924 --> 00:21:16,234
You can't enjoy
your damn self.
417
00:21:16,275 --> 00:21:18,965
You trying to watch TV
and she runnin' her damn mouth.
418
00:21:19,016 --> 00:21:21,316
"What they doin' now?
What happenin' now?
419
00:21:21,367 --> 00:21:24,367
"What's goin' on now?
What the man doin' now?
420
00:21:24,413 --> 00:21:27,463
"What happenin' now?
What they doin' now?
421
00:21:27,503 --> 00:21:30,423
"What's goin' on now?
What they doin' now?
422
00:21:30,463 --> 00:21:32,163
"What the..."
"Will you shut the fuck up?"
423
00:21:40,168 --> 00:21:41,818
You ever go to the store
for an old person?
424
00:21:41,865 --> 00:21:44,995
Oh, they give you
a long list of shit to get.
425
00:21:45,042 --> 00:21:47,702
"Get me some cheese,
some potatoes,
426
00:21:47,741 --> 00:21:51,271
"some rice, orange juice,
milk, milk of magnesia,
427
00:21:51,310 --> 00:21:56,180
"some stockin', egg, bakin'
soda, rice, Corn Flakes."
428
00:21:56,227 --> 00:21:57,747
Then she give you
five damn dollars.
429
00:22:02,930 --> 00:22:04,800
Say some shit like,
"You have anything left,
430
00:22:04,845 --> 00:22:06,105
"get yourself something."
431
00:22:08,196 --> 00:22:10,196
With what, God dammit?
432
00:22:10,241 --> 00:22:11,591
Got to go in my pocket to
get your shit.
433
00:22:16,291 --> 00:22:19,031
Well, it's hard,
datin' in the nineties. Right, fellas?
434
00:22:19,076 --> 00:22:21,116
It's expensive.
Take a lady to the movies nowadays it's eight dollars,
435
00:22:21,165 --> 00:22:23,515
it's eight dollars,
eight and eight is 16 damn dollars.
436
00:22:23,559 --> 00:22:27,219
And they want red vines and
candies and sodas and shit.
437
00:22:27,258 --> 00:22:30,868
That's another 48 damn
dollars right there.
438
00:22:30,914 --> 00:22:33,404
Damn movie
ain't even started.
439
00:22:33,439 --> 00:22:35,309
Then after the movie
they want to go get a waffle.
440
00:22:35,354 --> 00:22:37,404
They always got
that taste for a damn...
441
00:22:37,443 --> 00:22:38,493
They're like
"Oh, I sure would like a waffle.
442
00:22:40,750 --> 00:22:44,580
"I got the taste
for a damn waffle."
443
00:22:44,624 --> 00:22:47,414
You spend all that money
on them, and it never cross their mind one time,
444
00:22:47,453 --> 00:22:50,193
"He might want some pussy."
No.
445
00:22:50,238 --> 00:22:52,408
Ain't gonna give
you no pussy.
446
00:22:52,458 --> 00:22:54,498
Stand on the porch and wave
at your ass while you leave.
447
00:22:54,547 --> 00:22:58,247
"Well, see ya.
448
00:22:58,289 --> 00:23:00,939
"Look at him.
[HIGH PITCHED LAUGHING]
449
00:23:00,988 --> 00:23:03,208
"Poor thing got that pussy
look on his face." [HIGH PITCHED LAUGHING]
450
00:23:06,950 --> 00:23:08,690
Oh, they'll let you eat
it though.
451
00:23:08,735 --> 00:23:11,085
Say somethin' about
eatin' it they get in line.
452
00:23:11,128 --> 00:23:14,738
"Oh, oh, oh, do me!
I'm in line! Oh! Oh! Over here! Oh!"
453
00:23:14,784 --> 00:23:17,574
Goddamn it, if I'm goin' down
town you gon' make a stop on penis street, hey!
454
00:23:24,707 --> 00:23:27,577
We gonna eat each other!
455
00:23:27,623 --> 00:23:29,503
Oh, no. They ain't
gonna do you, when her time comes she go,
456
00:23:29,538 --> 00:23:30,928
"Oh, I'm so sleepy.
457
00:23:33,281 --> 00:23:35,721
"Oh, Lord, I'm sleepy.
458
00:23:35,762 --> 00:23:38,462
"I didn't know it was
that late, whoa.
459
00:23:38,504 --> 00:23:40,424
"I would suck your dick
but I got to get up in the morning."
460
00:23:47,164 --> 00:23:49,564
Yo, we need to do something
about these phones too,
461
00:23:49,602 --> 00:23:51,912
'cause y'all done lost
your damn mind on these damn phones.
462
00:23:51,952 --> 00:23:54,482
Remember the old days,
when you would call somebody up,
463
00:23:54,520 --> 00:23:56,520
the answering machine
was very simple, the message was simple,
464
00:23:56,565 --> 00:23:57,475
"I'm not home,
leave a message. Call me back."
465
00:23:57,523 --> 00:24:00,053
[IMMITATES BEEP]
466
00:24:00,090 --> 00:24:01,880
Now you call people up,
they got rappin' on the damn machine.
467
00:24:01,918 --> 00:24:03,958
"Leave a message
on the telephone.
468
00:24:04,007 --> 00:24:06,097
"Call ya back,
when I get back home."
469
00:24:06,140 --> 00:24:07,620
[IMMITATES RAPPING]
470
00:24:07,663 --> 00:24:09,363
Just hang up the damn phone.
471
00:24:14,322 --> 00:24:16,802
My parents have
an answering machine.
472
00:24:16,846 --> 00:24:20,366
Had it six years,
can't even set the damn message on the thing.
473
00:24:20,415 --> 00:24:22,365
You call them up,
you hear cussin' on the damn phone.
474
00:24:24,201 --> 00:24:25,551
They cussin', they arguin'
475
00:24:25,594 --> 00:24:27,254
"Fuck you!"
"Fuck you, too!"
476
00:24:27,291 --> 00:24:29,121
"You don't
tell me what to damn do!"
477
00:24:29,163 --> 00:24:30,823
"He bought it for me!
He bought it for me!"
478
00:24:30,860 --> 00:24:32,910
"Kiss my ass!"
"You go to hell!"
479
00:24:32,949 --> 00:24:34,209
[IMMITATES BEEP]
480
00:24:40,174 --> 00:24:42,354
Keisha, Tyrell, Kenya,
I love y'all.
481
00:24:42,393 --> 00:24:44,133
Thank y'all,
y'all been great.
482
00:24:44,178 --> 00:24:45,748
[MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
483
00:24:55,189 --> 00:24:56,449
J. Anthony Brown.
Y'all.
484
00:25:02,675 --> 00:25:05,895
So, without further ado,
y'all have a good time?
485
00:25:05,939 --> 00:25:08,119
AUDIENCE: Yeah.
486
00:25:08,158 --> 00:25:10,068
If y'all had a good time,
let me hear you say, "Hell, yeah!"
487
00:25:10,117 --> 00:25:11,987
AUDIENCE: Hell, yeah!
488
00:25:12,032 --> 00:25:14,642
Now I gotta bring in
the H-I-N-N-I-C in charge,
489
00:25:14,687 --> 00:25:18,167
the head bald-headed
nigga in charge.
490
00:25:18,212 --> 00:25:19,522
Let me quite
fuckin' with him. Where you at, Russell?
491
00:25:21,041 --> 00:25:22,351
Come on up here, man.
492
00:25:29,919 --> 00:25:32,269
What you gonna say
this week, man? The whole sentence shit.
493
00:25:32,313 --> 00:25:35,013
So none of that...
[EXCLAIMS] Shit, you know.
494
00:25:35,055 --> 00:25:38,315
Thank y'all for comin'
out, God bless you and goodnight.
495
00:25:38,362 --> 00:25:39,582
Thanks for comin' out y'all,
love y'all, peace.
496
00:25:39,632 --> 00:25:44,182
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