Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

KID CAPRI: It's the Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.

KID CAPRI: Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for my main man,

Mr. Joe Torry!

What's up?

Y'all give it up for Kid Capri, my mothafuckin' DJ.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Kid in the goddamn house.

Y'all came up to laugh let me hear you say, "Hell, yeah".

AUDIENCE: Hell, yeah!

All right. We gonna kick this mothafucka in the ass.

How you doin'?

How you doin'? And he'd know. I know he come here every fuckin' show.

Every year. You can't hide with that shit nowhere.

You want attention mothafucka? You got it. And you...

Foxy brown, how you doin?

Now, is that your shit?

For real?

Bring that shit up here.

Come on. I just want to test and see.

Bring that shit up here. You and them fuckin'... Say what?

AUDIENCE MEMBER: [INAUDIBLE]Say what?

AUDIENCE MEMBER: [INAUDIBLE]I'm not gonna grab it.

They want to see your fuckin' hair.

Bring that shit up here. Bring that mothafucka...

I'll run out there and snatch that shit off.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]Get that shit up here. Come on!

Oh, she gonna get a little switch on with them mothafuckas.

[JOE MUMMERING]

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Snatch it off.

Snatch it off?

Snatch it off?[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

She probably got two braids on that mothafucka.

Snatchin' that mothafucka off.

Two braids. Snatch it off, there be some Africans watchin' this

talkin' about sista!

Fuck it, look at this shit. All right, cool.

You all right, though, what's your name?

[INAUDIBLE]JOE: Cynthia?

Came up with her little mothafuckin' walk and shit.

Ain't got no hips just...

Hey, what's up, Mr. White Man?

Another Mr. White Man in the house, how you doin'?

You could have shaved, man.

You could have shaved. Who you with?

Who you with, huh?

Oh.

Got you a Nubian sista and shit.

She got that shit all wrapped up like a Muslim and shit,

but she got with her.

You're fakin' it, you fakin' in front of everybody.

Part-time Muslim, huh?

Have half a pork chop sandwich in her back pocket.

I ain't a Muslim today.

You're cool, man. You're kickin' it with the black folk,

man, let me hear you say, "Mothafucka."

Come on, man, say it. You gotta say it.

If you gonna be here with us, you got to say it like this, mothafucka.

Holler that shit out.

Hey.

I'll jump down there with a goddamn stay soft fro and fuck you up.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]You gonna say it?

[MOCKING VOICE]: I'll say it.[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

This mothafucka, probably got a bomb strapped to his ass right now just

waitin' for us to fuck up. Just be like click click, let's fuck up niggas.

Won't be nothing but afros and chicken wings around this mothafucka.

Ch'yeah. So, y'all ready to have a good time?

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

So, y'all ready to have a good time?

AUDIENCE: Yeah.Y'all ready to tear this mothafucka up?

AUDIENCE: Yeah.Check this out. This is what we do here.

We do some shit different every time.

All right, 'cause this is the Uncle Joey show now,

and y'all got to be with me. Now y'all ready to do this?

All right.

Are y'all ready?

For the next comedian?

AUDIENCE: Shit, is he funny?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Hell, yeah.

[RAP BEAT]

Comin' to the stage from DC,

please welcome funny young man,

Mr. Donnell Rawlings. Give it up.

[MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

What's up?AUDIENCE: What's up?

Who the fuck told y'all to stop clappin'?

Joe Torry, is he funny. Lookin' like a black cowboy on steroids and shit.

What's up, man?

So, my mother was in entertainment. My mother forced me into comedy

because my mother was a... A... A ventriloquist.

A department store ventriloquist.

You know how you'll be in the back of the department store

fuckin' with the G.I. Joes, and you go say, "Ma,

"can I have this G.I. Joe?" Then they grit they teeth, their lips don't move

and they be talkin' and shit.

"If you don't put that shit down I swear to god,

"I'm gonna knock the shit outta yo ass."

I'm lookin' behind like, "Who said that, who said that."

"I said, I will knock the shit out of yo ass."

Don't fuck with my mother, man, she wouldn't buy us toys and shit.

She ain't buy us shit. One year my mother said, "Okay, y'all been nice,

"I'mma get y'all a bike."

But I didn't want a bike, because your mother say certain shit.

What's the last thing, when you get your first bike,

what's the last thing your mother tell you?

"Look, don't let nobody ride that bike." Them mothafuckas know.

Don't... You know Fat Tyrone

and them boys in the projects are takin' peoples' bikes.

I said, "I ain't gon' let..."

"Look I... Don't let nobody ride that bike."

I said, "I ain't gon' let..." So, I'm goin', takin' my bike down the steps.

I get on the street, first person I see, Fat Tyrone.

Eatin' a fried bologna, egg and cheese sandwich.

Oh, y'all... Oh, you don't remember the fried...

Remember the fried bologna sandwiches?

You put the bologna in the pan and the heat gets to it

and it pop up like a parachute and shit?

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]And you try to flip it

and get that shit to flip back the other way?

Then a motha talkin' 'bout "Cut the corners off, cut the corners off!"

And I know the red... Remember the red rope? That was the bonus,

where it was like, "Give it here, give it here, give it here!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Fat Ass... Fat Tyron, can to me eating one of them sandwiches.

"Donnell, can I ride your bike?"

"Nah, you can't.

"My mother said I can't let anybody ride my bike."

"Come on, man, let me ride yo bike."

"Nah, nigga.

"My motha said I can't let anybody ride my bike."

Then they hit you with some shit that make you think.

"Let me ride yo bike. I ain't goin' nowhere." Remember hearin' that shit?

I ain't goin' nowhere but to the fuckin' corner.

Now you done gave him your bike at five o'clock in the evening.

It's four o'clock in the mornin' now.

And you know you can't go in the house because your motha gonna whoop yo ass.

You be on the curb.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[STUTTERING] "Anybody... Anybody seen Fat Tyrone?"

"Last time I saw him he was had yo bike going to Coney Island."

[STUTTERING] "I... I... I... I... I tried... I tried... I

"Tellin' that nigga I can't let nobody ride my bike."

[STUTTERING] "He going... He going... He was tryin'... Tryin'...

"Takin' my bike 'cause he told me he ain't goin' nowhere."

There be another dude coming down the street.

Another dude coming down the street. "A-ha.

"Fat Tyrone took your bike, didn't he?

"You better get outta my face, nigga.

"That's why yo motha's a prostitute now."

"My motha is not no prostitute."

"All right then, all right then,

"if yo motha ain't no prostitute,

"why she always have new clothes and,

"and don't nobody see her go to work in the morning?"

Then you hear your mother. "Donnell,

"bring your ass in the house, boy.

"Where your damn bike?"

[PRETENDING TO CRY AND GASP]

And then you know you're gonna get yo ass whooped, you will lie,

you will tell shit that ain't even... Yo motha didn't even ask you and shit.

And you... And you will put people in your story that wasn't even there.

[STUTTERING] "I... I... I... I... My bike?

"I... I... You... You... You said I can't let nobody ride my bike, right?"

"And... And then... And then... And then Tom and them niggas,

"they... You gonna let him ride yo bike, he... He... He ain't even goin' nowhere.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]"I ain't even seen him.

"I got an A in math today."

I was around my old neighborhood out there, and I saw these kids ridin'

their bikes, I said, "I know times ain't changed that much." I know parents tellin'

"Don't let nobody ride their bike."

And I just wanted to hear it. And this dude rode passed and I said,

"I know he gon' say it." I said, "Shorty.

"Come here, man.

"Can I ride your bike?"

Dude said, "Fuck you and Fat Tyron."

Look my name is Donnell, thanks for your time, I'm out of here.

[MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Yeah, that's who the mothafucka was, Donnell. So y'all laughed at that shit.

Calling me a damn cowboy on steroids and y'all laughed at this.

He fuckin' with me and y'all laugh.

Next time somebody fuck with me slap the shit out outta of them, all right?

You got my back? Jump up here and slap the shit out of them, all right?

All right.

All right, mothafucka.

Got my goddamn back, fuckin' with me.

He won't be on the show fuckin' with me like that.

Hurt my goddamn feelings.

I didn't say nothin' to him, did I?

Did I? Mr. White Man, why you gotta fuck with me, man?

Said the bomb shit, why didn't you just go click, click, click, click?

I'm cool, man? Thanks.

Why don't you say mothafucka for me then?

Since he won't say mothafucka, why don't you say it for him?

AUDIENCE MEMBER 1: Mothafucka.[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

You just blew it.

"Motherfucker."[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

[SHOUTS] Mothafucka!

Come on.

Mothafucka![AUDIENCE CHEERS]

You can say that shit, can't you?

Come here. Come here, Mr. White man, you about to be Def Jam-ised.

Come on.

Come up, man, come on up here and say mothafucka.

Show your white friends how to say mothafucka.

Shit.

Mothafucka![AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

There's no hope

in the white community.

Should have said it right. If y'all said it right, man,

your dick would have grew like this.

Now you gotta stay with little pee wee.

All right,

are y'all ready

for this next comedian?

AUDIENCE: Is he funny?

From Trenton, New Jersey, Sexy-ass Sommore. Give it up.

[MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Hey, how y'all doin'?

Can I ask y'all a question?

Do the ladies run this mothafucka?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Yes, y'all sound like it's definitely goin' to be on tonight.

How are my home girls doin' in the house?

Ladies, let me tell you somethin'.

When you're lookin' good and you got it goin' on,

there's nothin' wrong with lettin' the brothas

know that you got it goin' on, okay?

That's why when a man come up to me talkin' 'bout, "Baby,

"what yo name is?"

Honey, I simply tell him, I say, "Rent.

"Mothafucka car noter."

See what I'm sayin'?

Ladies, you got to let him know where you comin' from right from the beginning.

'Cause people are always askin' me crazy questions, they say,

"Well, Sommore, you know, we know you're tryin' to be a comedian and everything.

"But would you fuck somebody

"to get a part in a movie?"

I said, "Look, God dammit,

"don't ask me no shit like that.

"'Cause not only would I fuck somebody to get a part in a movie,

"I would fuck somebody to get a part in my hair, okay?"

Boo. Baby, I would fuck for a buck

and do somethin' strange for some change, you hear me?[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Boo. I'm serious.

Hey, you can call me what you want but you will not call me broke, okay?

Boo.

Shit, I'm serious. 'Cause see, I'm just a woman of the nineties.

I'm in the club, I'm chillin', brotha walk up to me talkin' about,

"Baby, let me buy you a drink."

Hell, no, mothafucka, buy me groceries.

Fuck a damn drink, you know what I mean?

Boo. And see, I know all the brothas lookin' at me like,

"Damn, she's nothin' but a gold digger."

But you know what? You're goddamn right.

'Cause I got dirt under my fingernails,

I keep a shovel in my shoe in case I run into somebody with some money.

I'm serious. And see that's the hardest thing about bein' a gold digger though.

People often confuse you with bein' a ho.

'Cause see... I'mma tell you the difference.

'Cause see, a ho would just suck your dick.

Just suck your dick.

But see now, a gold digger,

like myself...

I'm not just gon' suck your dick,

but see, if the price is right,

I'll hold it in my mouth till the swellin' go down. You see what I'm sayin'?

A little something.

Yo, my name is Sommore!

[MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Sommore!

Give it up for Sommore.

Suck your dick

and hold it in ya mouth

till the swellin' goes down.

Unbelievable.

Put your hands together, from NYC, your own,

Wyatt the One Man Riot.

Give it up.

[MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Wait.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Hurry up.All right. Calm down, mothafuckas.

Oh, look at that... Oh, goddamn.

You a big mothafucka.

Shit, you and your man.

If you sit over here, y'all fart, you could warm this whole place up.

It's fuckin' cold, man, it's ridiculous.

Ridiculous.

Crime is bad. And they blame... "It's the black youths,

"they're killin' each fuckin' other."

It's not.

It's the people they got protectin' us fuckin' up.

They hired a handicapped cop.

Yeah, a cop with an eye-patch.

Mothafuckas just doin' crime all over here.

"What's going on over here?"

Just ridiculous, man.

I hate criminals, man, I get tired of them.

By round of applause, how many people know somebody in jail?

Doesn't it get you mad, callin' you collect?

I got a partner called me collect, Bulldog.

Talkin' about, "I take care of you when I get out."

He got 25 to life.

When you gon' take care of me?

And then they send you them letters, they dumb as hell till they get in jail.

They send you them letters, and they start off the same way every time.

Am I right? If I hit it, y'all let me know.

"By the time this letter reaches you,

"I hope you and your family is in the best of health,

"physically as well as mentally.

"As for myself, I'm maintaining my composure

"and makin' the best of a bad situation.

"PS, can you put a few dollars in my commissary?"

I'm not sendin' them mothafuckas shit.

Nah, 'cause they kill me, man.

When they go to court, they tough as hell till the judge give them a few years.

They come in there with that walk and shit. They come in there...

"Oh, what the fuck?

"Damn, it's the devil!

"Leroy Baby Jefferson, how much time you want to give a mothafucka?

"Can't handle all that.

"What's that calculator for?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Judge says, '18 years.'

"How much? 18? Damn.

"Damn." That's when he try to hold them tears, like,

"Aw, shit.

"Oh, fuck, oh, man."

Me, I can't go to jail.

I'm allergic to gettin' fucked.

My doctor told me.

I got to jail, the first thing I'm gonna do is crazy glue my asshole shut.

Then I'mma razor sharpen my teeth.

"Anybody want any head?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

Nah, I'm just playing.

Women, y'all just givin' up pussy for coke.

Yeah, you can get some pussy, if you got some nose candy.

'Cause back in the days we didn't even have any nose candy.

We told them it was nose candy.

It was actually crushed up aspirin.

They didn't get high but they head was clearer than a mothafucka.

Just clear.

Stop complainin' about us comin' quick, it ain't our fault.

Some of y'all got that... Good shit.

You ever get that shit you can't hang on to,

but a couple of good strokes comin' in...

Boom! I'mma tear this mothafucka up.

What? Girl.

What? Girl.

What?

Bitch. Don't move.

Oh, shit you moved!

Some of y'all got that shit that's so good I call it zombie pussy.

Y'all be in the other room and just whistle, we...

Fellas, some of y'all, fellas gotta get your toe nails cut.

Get them mothafuckas cut, man.

Girl layin' there all cute with her ass up, right?

You tryin' to take off her drawers with your feet, just rippin' her ass off.

Just... Just cuttin' her ass all up.

Just cuttin' her ass. She's tryin' to act like she don't feel the mothafucka.

Just... Ass just cut up.

Shut the fuck up.

Whatever you do, wear some condoms, man.

All kinds of shit in pussies.

Yeah.

Little sharks in pussies.

Just swimmin' around. [IMITATING JAWSTHEME]

[IMITATING JAWSTHEME]

Look at the fellas laughin', it ain't just pussies.

It ain't just pussies.

All you fellas with that extra meat on your dick.

Get that shit cut off.

You ugly dick, mothafuckas.

Dick just bustin' out.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

Look, I had a beautiful time, thank you, God bless. Wyatt the One Man Riot.

[MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Wyatt the One Man Riot.

Are y'all ready?

And y'all gonna love it.

A friend of mine, used to write for Arsenio,

he works with Martin and shit now.

Give it up for this funny mothafucka,

and you gonna crack when you see him.

J. Anthony Brown, give it to him.

[MUSIC PLAYING] [AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

How y'all doin'? Watch out there now, how you doin'?

All y'all up in this mothafucka, huh?

Oh, y'all a good crowd, good crowd, 'cause you're laughing, see?

Black people got a different way of laughin'.

We ain't finished laughin' till we put that little thing on in our laugh.

[LAUGHS]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

We ain't finished.

[LAUGHS]

So glad the holidays are over.

All my grandparents and shit, my aunts, all them gone

back home and shit, you know what I'm talkin' 'bout?

Had that uncle to my house, make that snorting noise in the mornin'.

You know what I'm talkin' about?

Wake up in the morning...

[GRUNTING SNORTING NOISES]

"I'm gon' cook somethin' to eat, anybody want somethin'?"

Hell, no, get yo' nasty ass out the kitchen.

You look in the restroom, he butt flossin' with your good towels.

You know what I'm talkin' bout?

Got yo' big fluffy towels all in his butt.

"What you want me to do with this?"

"Take it home with yo' nasty ass."

I don't like none of my damn relatives.

I got a blind aunt, totally blind.

Now y'all feel sorry for her and you ain't even met her.

You ain't met the damn lady.

You ever watch television with a blind person?

You can't enjoy your damn self.

You trying to watch TV and she runnin' her damn mouth.

"What they doin' now? What happenin' now?

"What's goin' on now? What the man doin' now?

"What happenin' now? What they doin' now?

"What's goin' on now? What they doin' now?

"What the..." "Will you shut the fuck up?"

You ever go to the store for an old person?

Oh, they give you a long list of shit to get.

"Get me some cheese, some potatoes,

"some rice, orange juice, milk, milk of magnesia,

"some stockin', egg, bakin' soda, rice, Corn Flakes."

Then she give you five damn dollars.

Say some shit like, "You have anything left,

"get yourself something."

With what, God dammit?

Got to go in my pocket to get your shit.

Well, it's hard, datin' in the nineties. Right, fellas?

It's expensive. Take a lady to the movies nowadays it's eight dollars,

it's eight dollars, eight and eight is 16 damn dollars.

And they want red vines and candies and sodas and shit.

That's another 48 damn dollars right there.

Damn movie ain't even started.

Then after the movie they want to go get a waffle.

They always got that taste for a damn...

They're like "Oh, I sure would like a waffle.

"I got the taste for a damn waffle."

You spend all that money on them, and it never cross their mind one time,

"He might want some pussy." No.

Ain't gonna give you no pussy.

Stand on the porch and wave at your ass while you leave.

"Well, see ya.

"Look at him. [HIGH PITCHED LAUGHING]

"Poor thing got that pussy look on his face." [HIGH PITCHED LAUGHING]

Oh, they'll let you eat it though.

Say somethin' about eatin' it they get in line.

"Oh, oh, oh, do me! I'm in line! Oh! Oh! Over here! Oh!"

Goddamn it, if I'm goin' down town you gon' make a stop on penis street, hey!

We gonna eat each other!

Oh, no. They ain't gonna do you, when her time comes she go,

"Oh, I'm so sleepy.

"Oh, Lord, I'm sleepy.

"I didn't know it was that late, whoa.

"I would suck your dick but I got to get up in the morning."

Yo, we need to do something about these phones too,

'cause y'all done lost your damn mind on these damn phones.

Remember the old days, when you would call somebody up,

the answering machine was very simple, the message was simple,

"I'm not home, leave a message. Call me back."

[IMMITATES BEEP]

Now you call people up, they got rappin' on the damn machine.

"Leave a message on the telephone.

"Call ya back, when I get back home."

[IMMITATES RAPPING]

Just hang up the damn phone.

My parents have an answering machine.

Had it six years, can't even set the damn message on the thing.

You call them up, you hear cussin' on the damn phone.

They cussin', they arguin'

"Fuck you!" "Fuck you, too!"

"You don't tell me what to damn do!"

"He bought it for me! He bought it for me!"

"Kiss my ass!" "You go to hell!"

[IMMITATES BEEP]

Keisha, Tyrell, Kenya, I love y'all.

Thank y'all, y'all been great.

[MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

J. Anthony Brown. Y'all.

So, without further ado, y'all have a good time?

AUDIENCE: Yeah.

If y'all had a good time, let me hear you say, "Hell, yeah!"

AUDIENCE: Hell, yeah!

Now I gotta bring in the H-I-N-N-I-C in charge,

the head bald-headed nigga in charge.

Let me quite fuckin' with him. Where you at, Russell?

Come on up here, man.

What you gonna say this week, man? The whole sentence shit.

So none of that... [EXCLAIMS] Shit, you know.

Thank y'all for comin' out, God bless you and goodnight.

Thanks for comin' out y'all, love y'all, peace.

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