Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

KID CAPRI: It's the Russell Simmons'Def Comedy Jam!

Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together

for my main man, Mr. Joe Torry.

Wassup?

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

If y'all came up to laugh, let me hear you say "Hell, yeah!"

AUDIENCE: Hell, yeah!

Aight, yeah! Give it up for my man Kid Capri, y'all.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Hottest motherfucking DJ in the land.

My big beige friend, how you doin'?

What's up?

What's up, man. Look at this shit, my God. Damn!

What the fuck you motherfuckers do? Wake up from '75?

What the fuck is going on here? Y'all twins?

Looks like a big ass tumbleweed just blew up on your shoulders.

Motherfucker, Goddamn!

I know you got some Proline in your back pocket, motherfucker.

You like one of the old, old Silvers and shit. I know you do.

How you doing, man?

Damn. That shit didn't freeze up on the way here?

They say Get Christie motherfucking Love.

Goddamn. You got on the whole shit, the dress, the tights,

the fucking bracelets and shit.

Them motherfuckers don't come off, do they?

You fuck with all that shit on?

Sometimes? Uh-uh, you ain't grabbing my nuts

with them fuckin' rings over there. Forget that shit.

See that shit? Would you want your dick in her hand?

See, look at that shit. Goddamn.

You got a mood ring on that motherfucker too, don't you?

Let me see, let me see, what you got? What you got?

God, rubies and shit, the fuck?

You a wicked witch?

Goddamn.

Just melted down some spoons, knives and shit... Fuck it, it's silver.

But you look good though, aight?

I wouldn't kick your ass outta bed.

Just don't touch my dick, that's all.

Yo. Dude, you can relax the hat, man.

You know, that furry shit. You can relax it. It's cool, man.

Ain't nobody gonna steal that motherfucker.

Ain't nobody gonna steal that cat on top of your head.

Nobody touching that motherfucker.

He got the nerve to have the cat tail.

Painted stripes on the motherfucker

so you think it's like a raccoon.

Motherfucker on your head.

Like a big swollen up Daniel Boone.

You relax, ain't nobody... Hey, he scared to put it down

because it might run away.

I see some white people up in the balcony. How y'all doin'?

You better wave to me, God damn it.

Motherfuckers. Where you all get a tan at this time of year?

Y'all, hey, you white people need to leave that fucking tan shit alone. Aight?

That shit gonna kill you all, man.

They always... Personally, I wouldn't fuck with nothing

that's gonna turn my ass a whole other color.

They go to the beach. "We want some rays!"

Pour all that lotion and shit on their back.

Fuck you want to get darker for?

That sun will fuck your ass up.

You don't jump on the stove and put butter on your back, do you?

Stop that goddamn beach, man.

That sun ain't nothing to fuck with.

'Cause you know what happens. Ten years later when the shit happens...

"Where'd this cancer come from, what's all these lumps?"

It's from the rays!

And I'm telling you brothers, the beach ain't for brothers.

The beach really ain't for nobody. The beach ain't for brothers.

I'm telling you, I don't want to see no fucking sand.

What happened the first time we went to the beach?

We ended up in America, didn't we?

Fuck the beach.

I ain't going to the goddamn beach.

You all ready to do this?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Shit. You all ready for the next comedian?

AUDIENCE: Damn. Is he funny?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

Y'all two motherfuckers don't move their hair.

Motherfuckers stay right where you are. Do some shit like this.

Fuck around, fuck the cameras up,

the afro be outside. Fuck that.

Just say like y'all this... Say the goddamn words.

From Brooklyn, New York, please welcome Wil.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[SCREAMS]

Wassup, Def Jam?

Black people, give yourselves a hand

because we are badder than a motherfucker.

You know what I'm saying?

Because white people been fucking up too long.

White people like to name hurricanes like they know them.

Oh, Hurricane Steve was here!

Killed 27 people. Damn that Steve!

Don't give me no black hurricane.

Oh, Hurricane Raheem was here!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

He ain't killed nobody, but damn, 27 VCRs was missing!

Kentucky Fried Chickens could not be found. Damn that Raheem!

Y'all ever seen the weather?

The weatherman give you all this information that you don't need.

What the fuck is a wind chill factor?

Like... Like you gonna be walking down the street.

"Oh, shit, that's the wind chill factor!

"I should have worn my long johns."

"Oh, the winds are 30 miles northeast,"

"Oh, I'd rather go west, then."

And don't get me wrong, but I believe in God

whether he was black or white.

But I do believe Jesus was a black man.

[CHEERING]

Jesus... Jesus had to have been black,

because everywhere Mary and Joseph went,

they could not find a place to stay.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And Christmas just passed by.

Christmas is becoming too commercialized.

People give you things just to say "I gave you something, baby."

Somebody gave me one of these little water things.

You shake them up and snow just all over the motherfucking place.

Like, what the fuck do I do with this?

They got the nerve to say, you know,

"Well, baby, it's the thought that counts."

Well, what the fuck were you thinking about?

What was on your mind?

My mother always got some toys that would not play.

Everybody on the block had them He-Man dolls.

The arm turn around. The leg go up and down.

Not us! She got us some little green army men.

They came 100 in a pack.

They didn't move... They just stand still.

Grenade man. This guy right here.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Oh. Ladies! Ladies!

You remember when you was going to school,

and fellas used to write you those love letters?

"Do you like me? Check yes...

"Or check no."

Women always had their own answer, "Maybe."

Or when the teacher used to tell you, write 1,000 times,

"Do not chew gum in my class."

That's some bullshit.

You'd be mad, you'd be writing,

you'd be mad, you'd be writing,

"I will not chew gum, I will not chew gum, I will not chew gum..."

Then your hands get tired, and you're like "Fuck it. I, I, I, I, I..."

"W, w, w, w... I, I, I, I... L, l, l, l..."

Or for the "I"s, you draw a straight line and slash it, slash it...

"She's going to have to accept this shit."

Oh, my teacher used to pick on me.

She was like, "Wil, if I give you a dog

"and Shelley gives you a dog, how many dogs you got?"

I said, "Three."

"How you get three?"

"Because I already have a dog!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

"What's your favorite state?"

I said, "Massatooshish."

"Spell it!"

"Oh, I just remembered, Ohio is my favorite state!"

"You stupid motherfucker! I'mma come back to you!"

She'll go around the whole room.

"Sally, make the sound of a cow."

Sally go, "Moo." "That's good enough.

"Lisa! Make the sound of a dog."

Lisa go, "Woof woof." "That's good enough.

"Wil, you stupid motherfucker, make the sound of a pig."

I said, "Freeze, niggas! Get your hands against the wall!"

Yo, thanks![AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Wil, ya'll!

Wil!

Motherfucker's crazy.

One of these days, your hair's going to be just like his.

Don't forget that shit. Fucking with you, man.

Fucking with you. I'm kind of pissed off

at the hotel I'm staying at, man. They charge...

You ever been to a fucking hotel,

and they charge too much for, like, any shit?

They figure if you in that motherfucker, you got money.

It's $18.50 for some breakfast.

Call it an American breakfast, $18.50, eggs any style.

I'm paying $18.50 for some breakfast, eggs any style,

motherfuckers better show up in a tuxedo or some shit, know what I'm saying?

Then they call the shit American breakfast, that's the shit that got me.

American breakfast, $18.50, eggs any style.

Look what they got on the shit. They got French toast,

Danish biscuits, Canadian bacon, and some English tea.

All this shit's imported, so that's why the shit's $18.50.

I want a four-dollar-ass breakfast,

I don't want none of that bullshit from France, Canada.

None of this shit. I want some grits from the ghetto,

I want some motherfucking ham from Harlem,

I want some biscuits from Brooklyn,

and I want a motherfucking tea from Long Island, that's all I want.

Boy, you can get that shit cheap.

They talking about $18.50 for some shit.

Well, all right. Are y'all ready for the next comedian?

AUDIENCE: Damn. Is he funny?

Truly he is, from Brooklyn,

though really he's from Roosevelt, Long Island,

give it up for my man Frantz Casseus.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Wassup? How motherfuckers feeling?

How y'all doing? All right? Y'all hanging out?

Y'all chilling? That's good.

Yo, I was hanging out last night at this reggae club.

Yo, I found something out, yo.

Jamaicans don't know a damn thing about boxing.

A fight broke out, both them motherfuckers put in the broke back

and just said, "Oh, you wan ramp?

"You wan ramp? Oh, you wan ramp with me?"

"All right, hold on, me a look for a Heineken bokkle

"and bash ya fucking bumbaclot! Hold on, boy!"

"Bash dem! Ya duck duck, boy! Ya come..."

I'll tell you, boy. I better be careful where I say that joke, too.

One time, I was in this little club in Jamaica

and the audience didn't like me do that shit, boy.

He got mad as hell. I didn't know how mad he was

until I'm walking out the door,

and I see something shiny in someone's hand there.

It's somebody arguing with the bouncer.

And the closer I get, then it's that same Jamaican motherfucker

and he with the broke back again, like this, right?

With the gun in his hand, like,

"Yo, bouncer boy. Yo, tell the comedian fuck come out."

"Me have a joke to tell him, bumbaclot.

"This one a killa."

I was like uh-uh, I ain't going out that motherfucker.

Let me out through the back.

He ain't getting my ass.

I'm telling you, but I'm Haitian.

My Haitian people in the house?

All right, be proud, yo! First freed, be proud, shit.

You know what I'm saying? But, my Haitian people, I gotta tell you something.

In America, your accent is not intimidating to anybody,

and if you want to scare someone in America,

do it in Creole, don't do it in English.

Because in English, it's a French accent,

you ain't going to scare nobody.

No matter how mad you get, you know what I'm saying? Cab drivers, landlords...

"You modda fucka. Okay." "You modda fucka. Okay."

"All the time you keep telling me you gonna pay me my money tomowow.

"No! Bullshit! I want my fucking money today! Okay!"

Average nigga look at you like,

"Nigga, get your Pepe Le Pew-looking ass out of here.

"The fuck out of here."

But see, if you say it in Creole,

he won't understand what you saying.

That nigga respect you say that shit in Creole, like...

[SPEAKING CREOLE]

That nigga be like, "Uh...

"Here's your money,

"I don't know what the fuck you was just talking about.

"Leave me out that motherfucker."

I'm telling ya.

So wassup, ladies? We got some fine ladies, single ladies out there?

Yo, I'm looking for a lady, you know what I'm saying?

I almost got married and shit.

But I ain't gonna do that shit again, fuck that.

Nah, you know what I don't like about marriage? That engagement part.

I mean the diamond ring shit.

No, ladies, don't get me wrong.

If I love you, I'll spend thousands on a diamond ring.

But if we happen to not get married and break up,

please give the shit back.

Yo, my name is Frantz Casseus.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Frantz.

All right! Let's keep this motherfucker moving.

Y'all enjoying y'all self?AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Shit. Here we go now.

Are y'all ready for the next comedian?

AUDIENCE: Damn. Is he funny?

Better move next time, fat man.

Fuck is your problem? Participate!

Sitting there like this and shit.

Big motherfucker moved. He moved. Did his neck like this.

Nah, I'm playing. I ain't gonna fuck with you.

Not gonna hit me with an old donut, I ain't fucking with you.

Aight. Coming to the stage, funny as hell.

Kicked it with him in Houston, and that's where he's from.

Give it up for my man, Mr. Billy D.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Y'all give it up for Joe Torry, Kid Capri, everybody at Def Comedy Jam.

Y'all clap your hands.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Frantz was talking about reggae earlier, man,

talking about Jamaican stuff kind of made me lonely, man.

I wanted to hear a little reggae music. Y'all like reggae music?

You like reggae, man? You like reggae?

I like it because they can make a noise and have it be

the theme of the whole song, can't they? They're like...

[MUSIC PLAYING] ♪ Ba-doo

♪ Ba-doo

It's so popular, I went to pick up my nephew

from the nursery school a couple weeks ago.

Guy was in there, teaching nursery rhymes in reggae. He was goin'...

[SAME MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ Mary had a little lamb Fleece as white as snow

♪ Everywhere that Mary went the lamb was sure to go

♪ Humpty Dumpty sittin' on the wall

♪ Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

♪ Ba-doo

♪ Little silly white girl sitting in a saucer

♪ Rise, sister, rise Wipe your weapin' eyes Put your hand on your heel

♪ And let your backbone slip it now

♪ Shake it to the east Shake it to the west

♪ Shake it to the one that you love the best

♪ Ba-doo

In high school, we didn't study that much

in the way of Shakespearean literature,

consequently when I got to college,

I thought a hamlet was a small pig. And...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And I thought Macbeth was Ronald McDonald's woman. Man, I did.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And I don't do derogatory jokes

as far as women are concerned, man,

because I have far, far too much respect for women,

far too much respect, man. I do, I do.

As a matter of fact, that's why I don't do weave jokes, man.

I don't do weave jokes, man, because I think it's hypocritical

for men that do so. Right? Because y'all know if they made dick weaves?

Sell them for $1,000 an inch.

We'd all be broker than a motherfucker.

Fellas would be looking at each other, going,

"Now you know that ain't his real dick."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

You'd be making love to your woman, she'd be like,

"Ooh, I never remember your dick being this long."

You'd be like, "Well, I just been washing it."

[MUSIC PLAYS]

Some get it, some don't.

[MUSIC PLAYS]

I'm going to sing a song right now, man,

I know a million people are watching, hopefully I...

My girlfriend and I broke up about four years ago, man, and...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

If she listening, I just want to sing her a song.

She's a big girl, man, she's big. Weigh 278 pounds, man.

Liked to make love to her, you just don't say no stupid shit,

like, "You get on top." But I liked...

I felt sorry for her because she told me she had an eating disorder.

I'm like, "What the hell's an eating disorder?"

She said, "Well, people ask me what I'm eating and I just order."

Thank you very much, New York.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

The fat woman blues.

Give it up for Billy D, y'all. Billy D.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

That's the Billy D. of comedy.

Y'all didn't think the real Billy D. was going to come out here, did you?

You did? Stop that shit.

He's sittin' at home watching us.

Now, y'all ready for the next comedian?

AUDIENCE: Damn. Is he funny?

This next guy is funny as hell, though. For real.

Y'all know him. He's like the mayor of rap city.

From D.C., do impersonations, all that shit.

My man. Give it up for Chris Thomas.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Thank you, Joe!

Wow, life's a motherfucking trip, ain't it?

I just was watching CNN, just heard that

Michael Jackson's monkey, Bubbles, just committed suicide.

Said he didn't want to stand trial.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You know they was going to make him stand trial.

"Bubbles, take the stand." [IMITATES MONKEY CHATTER]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Give that motherfucker a joint so he can talk.

"Smoke this joint, Bubbles, and tell us what happened."

[INHALES DEEPLY]

Shit.

"Why don't y'all leave Mike the fuck alone?

"I told him to leave them motherfucking boys alone."

"And fuck with some monkeys. Monkeys can't talk."

I hope he's innocent, but if he's guilty,

I hope they don't put him in a regular pen.

Put him in a Hollywood pen, you know, with some real celebrities.

Suppose Sidney Poitier was his cellmate.

Mike in there, crying. [WHIMPERS]

Sidney Poitier looking out the bars, looking at Mike,

"Michael, stop crying like a bitch."

Michael talking about, "But I didn't do anything."

"I didn't do anything.

"Nobody in this fucking prison did anything. But we're here."

Suppose Billy Dee Williams was his cell mate, Billy would be real cool,

looking at Mike. "Mmm. I don't believe it,

"Michael Jackson's my cell mate.

"I'mma fuck dogshit out of you, Mike." [GRUNTS]

"But I'm not going to fuck you,

"not until I finish this Colt 45."

Suppose it was Bill Cosby.

Bill Cosby be in there looking at him, "Ha ha!

"I don't believe it!"

"Michael Jackson's my cellmate. All right."

"I want you to take a good look, Mike.

"This is no Jell-O pudding pop."

Suppose it was Jesse Jackson, Jesse Jackson be in there looking at him going,

"I been waiting for you, Michael.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Now we can get over that rainbow."

My name is Chris Thomas, peace, and may God bless you.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Chris Thomas, y'all.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

I don't fuck with nobody richer than me, fuck that.

Michael Jackson gonna buy BET.

And then he ain't gonna be the mayor no more,

he going to be the janitor of rap city.

Mike at home right now, looking at all this shit, "Mmm-hmm. Chris Thomas."

Motherfucker writing all that shit down,

"Chris, I'm going to get you.

"Fucking making my list and I'm checking it twice."

I ain't fucking with you, Mike. You need a pet?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

House-trained, bro. You my man, you my man.

So, ladies and gentlemen, thanks for coming out to Def Comedy Jam

and give it up to my man who pay all the bills, Rubble Bibbons.

Russell Simmons, y'all. Come on up here, man.

He got some new shit he going to say this year.

He going to say a whole sentence.

Thanks for coming out, God bless you, good night.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

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