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00:00:05,875 --> 00:00:09,395
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
2
00:00:09,444 --> 00:00:12,584
KID CAPRI: It's the Russell
Simmons'Def Comedy Jam!
3
00:00:37,559 --> 00:00:39,779
Ladies and gentlemen,
put your hands together
4
00:00:39,822 --> 00:00:45,442
for my main man,
Mr. Joe Torry.
5
00:00:45,480 --> 00:00:46,920
Wassup?
6
00:00:46,959 --> 00:00:48,959
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
7
00:00:52,487 --> 00:00:55,007
If y'all came up to laugh,
let me hear you say "Hell, yeah!"
8
00:00:55,055 --> 00:00:56,665
AUDIENCE: Hell, yeah!
9
00:00:56,708 --> 00:00:59,758
Aight, yeah! Give it up
for my man Kid Capri, y'all.
10
00:00:59,798 --> 00:01:01,238
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
11
00:01:01,278 --> 00:01:03,188
Hottest motherfucking DJ
in the land.
12
00:01:06,544 --> 00:01:08,984
My big beige friend,
how you doin'?
13
00:01:09,025 --> 00:01:10,455
What's up?
14
00:01:10,505 --> 00:01:14,505
What's up, man.
Look at this shit, my God. Damn!
15
00:01:18,556 --> 00:01:21,336
What the fuck you
motherfuckers do? Wake up from '75?
16
00:01:23,083 --> 00:01:27,833
What the fuck
is going on here? Y'all twins?
17
00:01:27,870 --> 00:01:30,350
Looks like a big ass
tumbleweed just blew up on your shoulders.
18
00:01:33,136 --> 00:01:36,616
Motherfucker, Goddamn!
19
00:01:36,661 --> 00:01:40,711
I know you got some Proline
in your back pocket, motherfucker.
20
00:01:40,752 --> 00:01:43,842
You like one of the old,
old Silvers and shit. I know you do.
21
00:01:45,366 --> 00:01:46,926
How you doing, man?
22
00:01:46,976 --> 00:01:49,106
Damn. That shit didn't
freeze up on the way here?
23
00:01:50,936 --> 00:01:52,936
They say Get Christie
motherfucking Love.
24
00:01:54,940 --> 00:01:58,070
Goddamn. You got on the whole
shit, the dress, the tights,
25
00:01:58,118 --> 00:02:00,158
the fucking bracelets
and shit.
26
00:02:00,207 --> 00:02:03,167
Them motherfuckers
don't come off, do they?
27
00:02:03,210 --> 00:02:05,560
You fuck with all
that shit on?
28
00:02:05,603 --> 00:02:08,613
Sometimes? Uh-uh, you ain't
grabbing my nuts
29
00:02:08,650 --> 00:02:10,700
with them fuckin' rings
over there. Forget that shit.
30
00:02:12,393 --> 00:02:15,223
See that shit? Would you
want your dick in her hand?
31
00:02:17,049 --> 00:02:20,489
See, look at that shit.
Goddamn.
32
00:02:20,531 --> 00:02:23,361
You got a mood ring
on that motherfucker too, don't you?
33
00:02:23,404 --> 00:02:26,154
Let me see, let me see,
what you got? What you got?
34
00:02:26,189 --> 00:02:28,449
God, rubies and shit,
the fuck?
35
00:02:28,496 --> 00:02:30,146
You a wicked witch?
36
00:02:34,415 --> 00:02:36,585
Goddamn.
37
00:02:36,634 --> 00:02:40,074
Just melted down some
spoons, knives and shit... Fuck it, it's silver.
38
00:02:42,205 --> 00:02:44,465
But you look good
though, aight?
39
00:02:44,512 --> 00:02:45,862
I wouldn't kick your ass
outta bed.
40
00:02:45,904 --> 00:02:46,914
Just don't touch my dick,
that's all.
41
00:02:48,124 --> 00:02:50,214
Yo. Dude, you can relax
the hat, man.
42
00:02:50,257 --> 00:02:52,077
You know, that furry shit.
You can relax it. It's cool, man.
43
00:02:52,128 --> 00:02:54,218
Ain't nobody gonna steal
that motherfucker.
44
00:02:54,261 --> 00:02:56,921
Ain't nobody gonna
steal that cat on top of your head.
45
00:02:56,959 --> 00:02:59,089
Nobody touching
that motherfucker.
46
00:02:59,135 --> 00:03:01,045
He got the nerve
to have the cat tail.
47
00:03:02,443 --> 00:03:03,793
Painted stripes
on the motherfucker
48
00:03:03,835 --> 00:03:05,095
so you think
it's like a raccoon.
49
00:03:05,141 --> 00:03:06,621
Motherfucker on your head.
50
00:03:06,664 --> 00:03:08,624
Like a big swollen up
Daniel Boone.
51
00:03:11,103 --> 00:03:12,983
You relax, ain't nobody...
Hey, he scared to put it down
52
00:03:13,018 --> 00:03:14,238
because it might run away.
53
00:03:15,978 --> 00:03:18,758
I see some white people
up in the balcony. How y'all doin'?
54
00:03:18,807 --> 00:03:21,587
You better wave to me,
God damn it.
55
00:03:21,636 --> 00:03:25,636
Motherfuckers.
Where you all get a tan at this time of year?
56
00:03:25,683 --> 00:03:29,253
Y'all, hey, you white people
need to leave that fucking tan shit alone. Aight?
57
00:03:29,296 --> 00:03:31,206
That shit gonna kill
you all, man.
58
00:03:31,254 --> 00:03:33,954
They always...
Personally, I wouldn't fuck with nothing
59
00:03:33,996 --> 00:03:36,476
that's gonna turn my ass
a whole other color.
60
00:03:36,520 --> 00:03:39,520
They go to the beach.
"We want some rays!"
61
00:03:39,567 --> 00:03:41,477
Pour all that lotion and shit
on their back.
62
00:03:41,525 --> 00:03:43,135
Fuck you want to get
darker for?
63
00:03:43,179 --> 00:03:45,229
That sun will fuck
your ass up.
64
00:03:45,268 --> 00:03:46,488
You don't jump on the stove
and put butter on your back, do you?
65
00:03:48,184 --> 00:03:50,844
Stop that goddamn
beach, man.
66
00:03:50,882 --> 00:03:53,452
That sun ain't nothing to
fuck with.
67
00:03:53,494 --> 00:03:56,284
'Cause you know what happens.
Ten years later when the shit happens...
68
00:03:56,323 --> 00:03:59,893
"Where'd this
cancer come from, what's all these lumps?"
69
00:03:59,935 --> 00:04:01,455
It's from the rays!
70
00:04:03,460 --> 00:04:06,290
And I'm telling you brothers,
the beach ain't for brothers.
71
00:04:06,333 --> 00:04:09,903
The beach really
ain't for nobody. The beach ain't for brothers.
72
00:04:09,945 --> 00:04:12,245
I'm telling you, I don't want
to see no fucking sand.
73
00:04:12,295 --> 00:04:13,855
What happened the first time
we went to the beach?
74
00:04:13,905 --> 00:04:15,985
We ended up in America,
didn't we?
75
00:04:17,169 --> 00:04:18,479
Fuck the beach.
76
00:04:18,519 --> 00:04:21,169
I ain't going
to the goddamn beach.
77
00:04:21,217 --> 00:04:22,567
You all ready to do this?
78
00:04:22,610 --> 00:04:25,180
[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]
79
00:04:25,221 --> 00:04:28,831
Shit. You all ready
for the next comedian?
80
00:04:28,877 --> 00:04:31,267
AUDIENCE: Damn.
Is he funny?
81
00:04:31,314 --> 00:04:33,324
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND APPLAUDING]
82
00:04:37,973 --> 00:04:39,893
Y'all two motherfuckers
don't move their hair.
83
00:04:42,064 --> 00:04:45,634
Motherfuckers stay right
where you are. Do some shit like this.
84
00:04:45,676 --> 00:04:47,026
Fuck around,
fuck the cameras up,
85
00:04:47,069 --> 00:04:48,809
the afro be outside.
Fuck that.
86
00:04:50,899 --> 00:04:55,209
Just say like y'all this...
Say the goddamn words.
87
00:04:55,251 --> 00:04:57,861
From Brooklyn, New York,
please welcome Wil.
88
00:04:57,906 --> 00:05:00,336
[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]
89
00:05:00,387 --> 00:05:02,297
[MUSIC PLAYING]
90
00:05:09,570 --> 00:05:10,830
[SCREAMS]
91
00:05:12,094 --> 00:05:14,404
Wassup, Def Jam?
92
00:05:14,444 --> 00:05:16,714
Black people,
give yourselves a hand
93
00:05:16,751 --> 00:05:19,411
because we are badder
than a motherfucker.
94
00:05:21,190 --> 00:05:22,500
You know what I'm saying?
95
00:05:24,106 --> 00:05:26,886
Because white people been
fucking up too long.
96
00:05:26,935 --> 00:05:30,935
White people
like to name hurricanes like they know them.
97
00:05:32,288 --> 00:05:35,808
Oh, Hurricane Steve
was here!
98
00:05:35,857 --> 00:05:40,037
Killed 27 people.
Damn that Steve!
99
00:05:40,078 --> 00:05:42,078
Don't give me no
black hurricane.
100
00:05:42,124 --> 00:05:43,914
Oh, Hurricane Raheem
was here!
101
00:05:43,952 --> 00:05:45,562
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
102
00:05:45,606 --> 00:05:50,826
He ain't killed nobody,
but damn, 27 VCRs was missing!
103
00:05:50,872 --> 00:05:54,792
Kentucky Fried Chickens
could not be found. Damn that Raheem!
104
00:05:56,921 --> 00:05:58,711
Y'all ever seen
the weather?
105
00:05:58,749 --> 00:06:03,189
The weatherman give you
all this information that you don't need.
106
00:06:03,232 --> 00:06:05,972
What the fuck
is a wind chill factor?
107
00:06:07,758 --> 00:06:10,238
Like... Like you gonna
be walking down the street.
108
00:06:10,282 --> 00:06:12,982
"Oh, shit, that's the
wind chill factor!
109
00:06:18,116 --> 00:06:21,466
"I should have worn
my long johns."
110
00:06:21,511 --> 00:06:24,781
"Oh, the winds are
30 miles northeast,"
111
00:06:24,819 --> 00:06:26,429
"Oh, I'd rather
go west, then."
112
00:06:29,127 --> 00:06:33,917
And don't get me wrong,
but I believe in God
113
00:06:33,958 --> 00:06:37,308
whether he was black or white.
114
00:06:37,353 --> 00:06:41,973
But I do believe
Jesus was a black man.
115
00:06:42,010 --> 00:06:43,490
[CHEERING]
116
00:06:45,317 --> 00:06:49,277
Jesus... Jesus had to
have been black,
117
00:06:49,321 --> 00:06:51,631
because everywhere
Mary and Joseph went,
118
00:06:51,672 --> 00:06:53,672
they could not find
a place to stay.
119
00:06:53,717 --> 00:06:55,367
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
120
00:07:03,771 --> 00:07:05,991
And Christmas just passed by.
121
00:07:06,034 --> 00:07:08,694
Christmas is becoming
too commercialized.
122
00:07:08,732 --> 00:07:13,002
People give you things
just to say "I gave you something, baby."
123
00:07:13,041 --> 00:07:15,741
Somebody gave me
one of these little water things.
124
00:07:15,783 --> 00:07:18,963
You shake them up
and snow just all over the motherfucking place.
125
00:07:19,003 --> 00:07:22,013
Like, what the fuck
do I do with this?
126
00:07:22,050 --> 00:07:24,010
They got the nerve to say,
you know,
127
00:07:24,052 --> 00:07:29,842
"Well, baby,
it's the thought that counts."
128
00:07:29,884 --> 00:07:32,104
Well, what the fuck were
you thinking about?
129
00:07:34,105 --> 00:07:36,325
What was on your mind?
130
00:07:36,368 --> 00:07:40,498
My mother always got
some toys that would not play.
131
00:07:40,547 --> 00:07:43,717
Everybody on the block
had them He-Man dolls.
132
00:07:43,767 --> 00:07:48,207
The arm turn around.
The leg go up and down.
133
00:07:48,250 --> 00:07:51,910
Not us! She got us some
little green army men.
134
00:07:52,820 --> 00:07:56,430
They came 100 in a pack.
135
00:07:56,476 --> 00:07:58,826
They didn't move...
They just stand still.
136
00:08:03,744 --> 00:08:07,274
Grenade man.
This guy right here.
137
00:08:09,401 --> 00:08:12,671
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
138
00:08:16,844 --> 00:08:20,944
Oh. Ladies! Ladies!
139
00:08:20,978 --> 00:08:23,018
You remember when
you was going to school,
140
00:08:23,067 --> 00:08:25,637
and fellas used to write you
those love letters?
141
00:08:25,679 --> 00:08:28,769
"Do you like me? Check yes...
142
00:08:30,292 --> 00:08:32,422
"Or check no."
143
00:08:32,468 --> 00:08:35,778
Women always had
their own answer, "Maybe."
144
00:08:38,648 --> 00:08:40,998
Or when the teacher
used to tell you, write 1,000 times,
145
00:08:41,042 --> 00:08:43,482
"Do not chew gum
in my class."
146
00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:45,573
That's some bullshit.
147
00:08:45,612 --> 00:08:46,792
You'd be mad,
you'd be writing,
148
00:08:46,830 --> 00:08:48,660
you'd be mad,
you'd be writing,
149
00:08:48,702 --> 00:08:51,972
"I will not chew gum,
I will not chew gum, I will not chew gum..."
150
00:08:52,009 --> 00:08:55,799
Then your hands get tired,
and you're like "Fuck it. I, I, I, I, I..."
151
00:08:55,839 --> 00:09:01,889
"W, w, w, w... I, I, I, I...
L, l, l, l..."
152
00:09:01,932 --> 00:09:05,722
Or for the "I"s, you draw
a straight line and slash it, slash it...
153
00:09:05,762 --> 00:09:07,852
"She's going to have
to accept this shit."
154
00:09:10,680 --> 00:09:13,770
Oh, my teacher used to
pick on me.
155
00:09:13,814 --> 00:09:19,124
She was like, "Wil,
if I give you a dog
156
00:09:19,167 --> 00:09:23,207
"and Shelley gives you a dog,
how many dogs you got?"
157
00:09:23,258 --> 00:09:24,778
I said, "Three."
158
00:09:27,001 --> 00:09:28,611
"How you get three?"
159
00:09:28,655 --> 00:09:30,395
"Because I already have
a dog!"
160
00:09:30,439 --> 00:09:32,439
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND APPLAUDING]
161
00:09:36,619 --> 00:09:38,969
"What's your favorite state?"
162
00:09:39,013 --> 00:09:41,283
I said, "Massatooshish."
163
00:09:42,146 --> 00:09:43,406
"Spell it!"
164
00:09:45,759 --> 00:09:48,589
"Oh, I just remembered,
Ohio is my favorite state!"
165
00:09:51,591 --> 00:09:56,811
"You stupid motherfucker!
I'mma come back to you!"
166
00:09:56,857 --> 00:09:58,247
She'll go around
the whole room.
167
00:09:58,293 --> 00:10:01,993
"Sally, make the sound
of a cow."
168
00:10:02,036 --> 00:10:05,126
Sally go, "Moo."
"That's good enough.
169
00:10:05,169 --> 00:10:08,649
"Lisa!
Make the sound of a dog."
170
00:10:08,695 --> 00:10:11,645
Lisa go, "Woof woof."
"That's good enough.
171
00:10:11,698 --> 00:10:18,138
"Wil, you stupid motherfucker,
make the sound of a pig."
172
00:10:18,182 --> 00:10:21,842
I said, "Freeze, niggas!
Get your hands against the wall!"
173
00:10:21,882 --> 00:10:23,882
Yo, thanks![AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]
174
00:10:25,015 --> 00:10:26,925
[MUSIC PLAYING]
175
00:10:35,896 --> 00:10:37,156
Wil, ya'll!
176
00:10:38,246 --> 00:10:39,506
Wil!
177
00:10:43,860 --> 00:10:45,300
Motherfucker's crazy.
178
00:10:51,041 --> 00:10:53,911
One of these days,
your hair's going to be just like his.
179
00:10:53,957 --> 00:10:56,997
Don't forget that shit.
Fucking with you, man.
180
00:10:57,047 --> 00:10:58,697
Fucking with you.
I'm kind of pissed off
181
00:10:58,745 --> 00:11:00,045
at the hotel
I'm staying at, man. They charge...
182
00:11:00,094 --> 00:11:01,404
You ever been to
a fucking hotel,
183
00:11:01,443 --> 00:11:04,143
and they charge too much
for, like, any shit?
184
00:11:04,185 --> 00:11:07,225
They figure if you
in that motherfucker, you got money.
185
00:11:07,275 --> 00:11:09,705
It's $18.50
for some breakfast.
186
00:11:11,453 --> 00:11:17,243
Call it an American breakfast,
$18.50, eggs any style.
187
00:11:17,285 --> 00:11:19,845
I'm paying $18.50 for some
breakfast, eggs any style,
188
00:11:19,896 --> 00:11:22,986
motherfuckers better show up
in a tuxedo or some shit, know what I'm saying?
189
00:11:23,030 --> 00:11:25,550
Then they call the shit
American breakfast, that's the shit that got me.
190
00:11:25,597 --> 00:11:28,427
American breakfast, $18.50,
eggs any style.
191
00:11:28,470 --> 00:11:32,430
Look what they got
on the shit. They got French toast,
192
00:11:32,474 --> 00:11:38,794
Danish biscuits,
Canadian bacon, and some English tea.
193
00:11:38,828 --> 00:11:41,738
All this shit's imported,
so that's why the shit's $18.50.
194
00:11:41,788 --> 00:11:43,488
I want a four-dollar-ass
breakfast,
195
00:11:43,528 --> 00:11:45,618
I don't want none of that
bullshit from France, Canada.
196
00:11:45,661 --> 00:11:49,321
None of this shit.
I want some grits from the ghetto,
197
00:11:49,360 --> 00:11:52,100
I want some
motherfucking ham from Harlem,
198
00:11:52,146 --> 00:11:54,666
I want some biscuits
from Brooklyn,
199
00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:57,594
and I want a motherfucking
tea from Long Island, that's all I want.
200
00:11:59,719 --> 00:12:01,679
Boy, you can get
that shit cheap.
201
00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:05,641
They talking about $18.50
for some shit.
202
00:12:05,681 --> 00:12:10,821
Well, all right.
Are y'all ready for the next comedian?
203
00:12:10,860 --> 00:12:13,520
AUDIENCE: Damn.
Is he funny?
204
00:12:15,517 --> 00:12:17,127
Truly he is, from Brooklyn,
205
00:12:17,171 --> 00:12:19,261
though really he's from
Roosevelt, Long Island,
206
00:12:19,303 --> 00:12:21,703
give it up for my man
Frantz Casseus.
207
00:12:21,741 --> 00:12:24,181
[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]
208
00:12:24,221 --> 00:12:25,531
[MUSIC PLAYING]
209
00:12:33,535 --> 00:12:38,105
Wassup?
How motherfuckers feeling?
210
00:12:38,148 --> 00:12:41,498
How y'all doing? All right?
Y'all hanging out?
211
00:12:41,543 --> 00:12:43,813
Y'all chilling?
That's good.
212
00:12:43,850 --> 00:12:48,200
Yo, I was hanging out
last night at this reggae club.
213
00:12:48,245 --> 00:12:50,595
Yo, I found
something out, yo.
214
00:12:50,639 --> 00:12:54,559
Jamaicans don't know
a damn thing about boxing.
215
00:12:54,599 --> 00:12:59,819
A fight broke out,
both them motherfuckers put in the broke back
216
00:12:59,866 --> 00:13:01,816
and just said,
"Oh, you wan ramp?
217
00:13:03,739 --> 00:13:07,789
"You wan ramp?
Oh, you wan ramp with me?"
218
00:13:09,745 --> 00:13:12,135
"All right, hold on, me a look
for a Heineken bokkle
219
00:13:12,182 --> 00:13:15,712
"and bash
ya fucking bumbaclot! Hold on, boy!"
220
00:13:18,362 --> 00:13:22,502
"Bash dem!
Ya duck duck, boy! Ya come..."
221
00:13:26,240 --> 00:13:31,250
I'll tell you, boy.
I better be careful where I say that joke, too.
222
00:13:31,288 --> 00:13:33,858
One time, I was in this
little club in Jamaica
223
00:13:33,900 --> 00:13:36,080
and the audience didn't
like me do that shit, boy.
224
00:13:36,119 --> 00:13:38,909
He got mad as hell.
I didn't know how mad he was
225
00:13:38,948 --> 00:13:40,558
until I'm walking out
the door,
226
00:13:40,602 --> 00:13:44,612
and I see something shiny
in someone's hand there.
227
00:13:44,649 --> 00:13:46,999
It's somebody arguing
with the bouncer.
228
00:13:47,043 --> 00:13:49,873
And the closer I get,
then it's that same Jamaican motherfucker
229
00:13:49,916 --> 00:13:53,176
and he with the
broke back again, like this, right?
230
00:13:53,223 --> 00:13:55,053
With the gun in
his hand, like,
231
00:13:55,095 --> 00:14:00,005
"Yo, bouncer boy.
Yo, tell the comedian fuck come out."
232
00:14:05,409 --> 00:14:08,539
"Me have a joke
to tell him, bumbaclot.
233
00:14:10,850 --> 00:14:13,420
"This one a killa."
234
00:14:13,461 --> 00:14:17,201
I was like uh-uh,
I ain't going out that motherfucker.
235
00:14:17,247 --> 00:14:19,637
Let me out through the back.
236
00:14:19,684 --> 00:14:21,864
He ain't getting my ass.
237
00:14:21,904 --> 00:14:23,824
I'm telling you,
but I'm Haitian.
238
00:14:23,863 --> 00:14:25,873
My Haitian people
in the house?
239
00:14:25,908 --> 00:14:29,778
All right, be proud, yo!
First freed, be proud, shit.
240
00:14:29,825 --> 00:14:32,515
You know what I'm saying?
But, my Haitian people, I gotta tell you something.
241
00:14:32,567 --> 00:14:36,567
In America, your accent
is not intimidating to anybody,
242
00:14:36,614 --> 00:14:39,184
and if you want to scare
someone in America,
243
00:14:39,226 --> 00:14:41,966
do it in Creole,
don't do it in English.
244
00:14:42,011 --> 00:14:44,271
Because in English,
it's a French accent,
245
00:14:44,318 --> 00:14:46,408
you ain't going
to scare nobody.
246
00:14:46,450 --> 00:14:49,280
No matter how mad you get,
you know what I'm saying? Cab drivers, landlords...
247
00:14:49,323 --> 00:14:54,593
"You modda fucka. Okay."
"You modda fucka. Okay."
248
00:14:54,632 --> 00:14:58,462
"All the time you keep
telling me you gonna pay me my money tomowow.
249
00:14:58,506 --> 00:15:04,116
"No! Bullshit! I want my
fucking money today! Okay!"
250
00:15:04,164 --> 00:15:05,954
Average nigga
look at you like,
251
00:15:05,992 --> 00:15:09,172
"Nigga, get your
Pepe Le Pew-looking ass out of here.
252
00:15:09,212 --> 00:15:10,822
"The fuck out of here."
253
00:15:10,866 --> 00:15:12,606
But see, if you say it
in Creole,
254
00:15:12,650 --> 00:15:14,830
he won't understand
what you saying.
255
00:15:14,870 --> 00:15:16,570
That nigga respect you say
that shit in Creole, like...
256
00:15:16,611 --> 00:15:18,661
[SPEAKING CREOLE]
257
00:15:25,446 --> 00:15:27,056
That nigga be like, "Uh...
258
00:15:30,103 --> 00:15:31,973
"Here's your money,
259
00:15:32,018 --> 00:15:34,758
"I don't know what the fuck
you was just talking about.
260
00:15:34,803 --> 00:15:36,723
"Leave me out
that motherfucker."
261
00:15:37,371 --> 00:15:39,201
I'm telling ya.
262
00:15:39,242 --> 00:15:43,202
So wassup, ladies?
We got some fine ladies, single ladies out there?
263
00:15:43,246 --> 00:15:45,156
Yo, I'm looking for a lady,
you know what I'm saying?
264
00:15:45,205 --> 00:15:46,945
I almost got
married and shit.
265
00:15:46,989 --> 00:15:49,859
But I ain't gonna do
that shit again, fuck that.
266
00:15:49,905 --> 00:15:53,685
Nah, you know what
I don't like about marriage? That engagement part.
267
00:15:53,735 --> 00:15:55,995
I mean the diamond
ring shit.
268
00:15:56,042 --> 00:15:57,742
No, ladies,
don't get me wrong.
269
00:15:57,782 --> 00:16:00,832
If I love you, I'll spend
thousands on a diamond ring.
270
00:16:00,872 --> 00:16:04,532
But if we happen
to not get married and break up,
271
00:16:04,572 --> 00:16:06,882
please give
the shit back.
272
00:16:06,922 --> 00:16:09,272
Yo, my name is Frantz Casseus.
273
00:16:09,316 --> 00:16:11,316
[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]
274
00:16:27,073 --> 00:16:28,343
Frantz.
275
00:16:32,252 --> 00:16:34,732
All right! Let's keep this
motherfucker moving.
276
00:16:34,776 --> 00:16:36,906
Y'all enjoying y'all self?AUDIENCE: Yeah!
277
00:16:36,952 --> 00:16:39,742
Shit. Here we go now.
278
00:16:39,781 --> 00:16:45,401
Are y'all ready
for the next comedian?
279
00:16:45,439 --> 00:16:48,009
AUDIENCE: Damn.
Is he funny?
280
00:16:50,966 --> 00:16:52,356
Better move next time,
fat man.
281
00:16:54,622 --> 00:16:56,102
Fuck is your problem?
Participate!
282
00:16:57,233 --> 00:16:59,673
Sitting there like this
and shit.
283
00:16:59,714 --> 00:17:03,414
Big motherfucker moved.
He moved. Did his neck like this.
284
00:17:09,637 --> 00:17:11,597
Nah, I'm playing.
I ain't gonna fuck with you.
285
00:17:11,639 --> 00:17:14,289
Not gonna hit me
with an old donut, I ain't fucking with you.
286
00:17:16,339 --> 00:17:19,779
Aight. Coming to the stage,
funny as hell.
287
00:17:19,821 --> 00:17:22,351
Kicked it with him in Houston,
and that's where he's from.
288
00:17:22,389 --> 00:17:24,299
Give it up for my man,
Mr. Billy D.
289
00:17:24,347 --> 00:17:26,347
[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]
290
00:17:35,054 --> 00:17:37,454
Y'all give it up for
Joe Torry, Kid Capri, everybody at Def Comedy Jam.
291
00:17:37,491 --> 00:17:38,841
Y'all clap your hands.
292
00:17:38,883 --> 00:17:40,893
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
293
00:17:41,756 --> 00:17:44,406
[MUSIC PLAYING]
294
00:17:44,454 --> 00:17:46,334
Frantz was talking about
reggae earlier, man,
295
00:17:46,369 --> 00:17:48,109
talking about Jamaican stuff
kind of made me lonely, man.
296
00:17:48,154 --> 00:17:50,114
I wanted to hear
a little reggae music. Y'all like reggae music?
297
00:17:50,156 --> 00:17:52,106
You like reggae, man?
You like reggae?
298
00:17:52,158 --> 00:17:54,198
I like it because they can
make a noise and have it be
299
00:17:54,247 --> 00:17:56,287
the theme of the whole
song, can't they? They're like...
300
00:17:56,336 --> 00:17:59,556
[MUSIC PLAYING] ♪ Ba-doo
301
00:18:01,515 --> 00:18:03,425
♪ Ba-doo
302
00:18:03,473 --> 00:18:05,653
It's so popular,
I went to pick up my nephew
303
00:18:05,693 --> 00:18:07,833
from the nursery school
a couple weeks ago.
304
00:18:07,869 --> 00:18:10,869
Guy was in there, teaching
nursery rhymes in reggae. He was goin'...
305
00:18:10,915 --> 00:18:12,865
[SAME MUSIC PLAYING]
306
00:18:12,917 --> 00:18:15,827
♪ Mary had a little lamb
Fleece as white as snow
307
00:18:15,877 --> 00:18:18,137
♪ Everywhere that Mary went
the lamb was sure to go
308
00:18:18,184 --> 00:18:20,754
♪ Humpty Dumpty
sittin' on the wall
309
00:18:20,795 --> 00:18:22,835
♪ Humpty Dumpty
had a great fall
310
00:18:22,884 --> 00:18:25,284
♪ Ba-doo
311
00:18:25,321 --> 00:18:27,761
♪ Little silly white girl
sitting in a saucer
312
00:18:27,802 --> 00:18:30,812
♪ Rise, sister, rise
Wipe your weapin' eyes Put your hand on your heel
313
00:18:30,848 --> 00:18:32,458
♪ And let your backbone
slip it now
314
00:18:32,502 --> 00:18:35,072
♪ Shake it to the east
Shake it to the west
315
00:18:35,114 --> 00:18:37,124
♪ Shake it to the one
that you love the best
316
00:18:38,552 --> 00:18:39,862
♪ Ba-doo
317
00:18:44,427 --> 00:18:46,297
In high school,
we didn't study that much
318
00:18:46,342 --> 00:18:48,042
in the way of
Shakespearean literature,
319
00:18:48,083 --> 00:18:49,303
consequently when
I got to college,
320
00:18:49,345 --> 00:18:51,865
I thought a hamlet
was a small pig. And...
321
00:18:51,913 --> 00:18:55,093
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
322
00:18:55,134 --> 00:18:57,924
And I thought Macbeth was
Ronald McDonald's woman. Man, I did.
323
00:18:57,962 --> 00:18:59,962
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
324
00:19:07,233 --> 00:19:08,893
And I don't do
derogatory jokes
325
00:19:08,930 --> 00:19:10,670
as far as women
are concerned, man,
326
00:19:10,714 --> 00:19:12,114
because I have far,
far too much respect for women,
327
00:19:12,151 --> 00:19:16,551
far too much respect, man.
I do, I do.
328
00:19:16,590 --> 00:19:18,900
As a matter of fact,
that's why I don't do weave jokes, man.
329
00:19:18,940 --> 00:19:21,120
I don't do weave jokes, man,
because I think it's hypocritical
330
00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:24,250
for men that do so. Right?
Because y'all know if they made dick weaves?
331
00:19:26,339 --> 00:19:27,989
Sell them for $1,000
an inch.
332
00:19:28,036 --> 00:19:29,906
We'd all be broker
than a motherfucker.
333
00:19:31,474 --> 00:19:33,004
Fellas would be looking
at each other, going,
334
00:19:33,041 --> 00:19:35,391
"Now you know
that ain't his real dick."
335
00:19:35,435 --> 00:19:37,435
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND APPLAUDING]
336
00:19:40,657 --> 00:19:42,217
You'd be making love
to your woman, she'd be like,
337
00:19:42,268 --> 00:19:44,618
"Ooh, I never remember
your dick being this long."
338
00:19:44,661 --> 00:19:46,971
You'd be like, "Well, I just
been washing it."
339
00:19:54,149 --> 00:19:55,799
[MUSIC PLAYS]
340
00:19:55,846 --> 00:19:58,236
Some get it, some don't.
341
00:19:58,284 --> 00:19:59,764
[MUSIC PLAYS]
342
00:19:59,807 --> 00:20:01,937
I'm going to sing a song
right now, man,
343
00:20:01,983 --> 00:20:04,163
I know a million people
are watching, hopefully I...
344
00:20:04,203 --> 00:20:07,123
My girlfriend and I broke up
about four years ago, man, and...
345
00:20:07,162 --> 00:20:09,952
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
346
00:20:09,991 --> 00:20:11,861
If she listening, I just
want to sing her a song.
347
00:20:11,906 --> 00:20:15,256
She's a big girl,
man, she's big. Weigh 278 pounds, man.
348
00:20:15,301 --> 00:20:17,351
Liked to make love to her,
you just don't say no stupid shit,
349
00:20:17,390 --> 00:20:20,700
like, "You get on top."
But I liked...
350
00:20:20,741 --> 00:20:23,271
I felt sorry for her because
she told me she had an eating disorder.
351
00:20:23,309 --> 00:20:25,139
I'm like, "What the hell's
an eating disorder?"
352
00:20:25,180 --> 00:20:27,230
She said, "Well, people
ask me what I'm eating and I just order."
353
00:20:32,840 --> 00:20:34,360
Thank you very much,
New York.
354
00:20:34,407 --> 00:20:36,187
[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]
355
00:20:46,506 --> 00:20:48,506
The fat woman blues.
356
00:20:48,551 --> 00:20:50,471
Give it up for Billy D,
y'all. Billy D.
357
00:20:50,510 --> 00:20:53,030
[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]
358
00:20:53,077 --> 00:20:55,297
That's the Billy D.
of comedy.
359
00:20:55,341 --> 00:20:57,821
Y'all didn't think the real
Billy D. was going to come out here, did you?
360
00:20:57,865 --> 00:21:00,475
You did? Stop that shit.
361
00:21:00,520 --> 00:21:02,040
He's sittin' at home
watching us.
362
00:21:03,697 --> 00:21:09,527
Now, y'all ready
for the next comedian?
363
00:21:09,572 --> 00:21:12,532
AUDIENCE: Damn.
Is he funny?
364
00:21:14,882 --> 00:21:17,012
This next guy
is funny as hell, though. For real.
365
00:21:17,058 --> 00:21:19,668
Y'all know him.
He's like the mayor of rap city.
366
00:21:19,713 --> 00:21:23,283
From D.C., do impersonations,
all that shit.
367
00:21:23,325 --> 00:21:26,145
My man. Give it up
for Chris Thomas.
368
00:21:26,197 --> 00:21:28,197
[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]
369
00:21:36,556 --> 00:21:39,076
Thank you, Joe!
370
00:21:39,123 --> 00:21:43,173
Wow, life's a motherfucking
trip, ain't it?
371
00:21:43,214 --> 00:21:45,574
I just was watching CNN,
just heard that
372
00:21:45,608 --> 00:21:49,438
Michael Jackson's
monkey, Bubbles, just committed suicide.
373
00:21:50,831 --> 00:21:52,661
Said he didn't want
to stand trial.
374
00:21:52,702 --> 00:21:54,752
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
375
00:21:58,360 --> 00:22:00,620
You know they was going to
make him stand trial.
376
00:22:00,667 --> 00:22:02,887
"Bubbles, take the stand."
[IMITATES MONKEY CHATTER]
377
00:22:02,930 --> 00:22:04,670
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
378
00:22:04,714 --> 00:22:07,674
"Give that motherfucker
a joint so he can talk.
379
00:22:07,717 --> 00:22:09,547
"Smoke this joint, Bubbles,
and tell us what happened."
380
00:22:09,589 --> 00:22:11,199
[INHALES DEEPLY]
381
00:22:11,242 --> 00:22:12,902
Shit.
382
00:22:15,290 --> 00:22:19,380
"Why don't y'all leave
Mike the fuck alone?
383
00:22:19,425 --> 00:22:23,905
"I told him to leave
them motherfucking boys alone."
384
00:22:23,951 --> 00:22:28,961
"And fuck with some monkeys.
Monkeys can't talk."
385
00:22:31,654 --> 00:22:33,404
I hope he's innocent,
but if he's guilty,
386
00:22:33,439 --> 00:22:35,309
I hope they don't put him
in a regular pen.
387
00:22:35,354 --> 00:22:38,404
Put him in a Hollywood pen,
you know, with some real celebrities.
388
00:22:38,444 --> 00:22:41,104
Suppose Sidney Poitier
was his cellmate.
389
00:22:41,142 --> 00:22:43,142
Mike in there, crying.
[WHIMPERS]
390
00:22:45,189 --> 00:22:49,019
Sidney Poitier
looking out the bars, looking at Mike,
391
00:22:49,063 --> 00:22:51,333
"Michael, stop crying
like a bitch."
392
00:22:59,290 --> 00:23:01,290
Michael talking about,
"But I didn't do anything."
393
00:23:01,336 --> 00:23:03,986
"I didn't do anything.
394
00:23:04,034 --> 00:23:08,344
"Nobody in this fucking prison
did anything. But we're here."
395
00:23:13,043 --> 00:23:16,613
Suppose Billy Dee Williams
was his cell mate, Billy would be real cool,
396
00:23:16,656 --> 00:23:20,916
looking at Mike.
"Mmm. I don't believe it,
397
00:23:20,964 --> 00:23:23,454
"Michael Jackson's
my cell mate.
398
00:23:28,363 --> 00:23:30,843
"I'mma fuck dogshit
out of you, Mike." [GRUNTS]
399
00:23:33,499 --> 00:23:34,719
"But I'm not going
to fuck you,
400
00:23:34,761 --> 00:23:37,371
"not until I finish
this Colt 45."
401
00:23:43,596 --> 00:23:45,206
Suppose it was Bill Cosby.
402
00:23:46,860 --> 00:23:50,300
Bill Cosby be in there
looking at him, "Ha ha!
403
00:23:52,953 --> 00:23:55,653
"I don't believe it!"
404
00:23:55,695 --> 00:24:00,175
"Michael Jackson's
my cellmate. All right."
405
00:24:00,221 --> 00:24:02,221
"I want you to take
a good look, Mike.
406
00:24:05,705 --> 00:24:08,055
"This is no Jell-O
pudding pop."
407
00:24:13,626 --> 00:24:17,326
Suppose it was Jesse Jackson,
Jesse Jackson be in there looking at him going,
408
00:24:17,368 --> 00:24:19,548
"I been waiting for you,
Michael.
409
00:24:19,588 --> 00:24:22,288
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
410
00:24:22,330 --> 00:24:24,510
"Now we can get
over that rainbow."
411
00:24:26,508 --> 00:24:28,858
My name is Chris Thomas,
peace, and may God bless you.
412
00:24:28,902 --> 00:24:30,902
[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]
413
00:24:39,521 --> 00:24:41,221
Chris Thomas, y'all.
414
00:24:41,262 --> 00:24:43,392
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
415
00:24:48,008 --> 00:24:50,878
I don't fuck with nobody
richer than me, fuck that.
416
00:24:50,924 --> 00:24:53,624
Michael Jackson
gonna buy BET.
417
00:24:53,666 --> 00:24:55,276
And then he ain't
gonna be the mayor no more,
418
00:24:55,319 --> 00:24:58,889
he going to be the
janitor of rap city.
419
00:24:58,932 --> 00:25:03,022
Mike at home right now,
looking at all this shit, "Mmm-hmm. Chris Thomas."
420
00:25:05,242 --> 00:25:06,722
Motherfucker writing
all that shit down,
421
00:25:06,766 --> 00:25:09,416
"Chris, I'm going to get you.
422
00:25:09,464 --> 00:25:13,084
"Fucking making my list
and I'm checking it twice."
423
00:25:13,120 --> 00:25:15,910
I ain't fucking with you,
Mike. You need a pet?
424
00:25:15,949 --> 00:25:18,169
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
425
00:25:18,212 --> 00:25:22,562
House-trained, bro.
You my man, you my man.
426
00:25:22,608 --> 00:25:25,258
So, ladies and gentlemen,
thanks for coming out to Def Comedy Jam
427
00:25:25,306 --> 00:25:29,786
and give it up to my man
who pay all the bills, Rubble Bibbons.
428
00:25:29,832 --> 00:25:32,312
Russell Simmons, y'all.
Come on up here, man.
429
00:25:34,010 --> 00:25:36,750
He got some new shit
he going to say this year.
430
00:25:36,796 --> 00:25:38,356
He going to say
a whole sentence.
431
00:25:40,408 --> 00:25:42,538
Thanks for coming out,
God bless you, good night.
432
00:25:42,584 --> 00:25:44,544
[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]
433
00:25:44,594 --> 00:25:49,144
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