Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

KID CAPRI: It's the Russell Simmons'Def Comedy Jam.

Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together

for my main man, Mr. Joe Torry.

Hello. How y'all doing?

[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

Damn!

Oh, shit.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

This a motherfucker, my black people.

Thanks for all that. Thanks for all that good shit.

Give my man Kid Capri another charge. Give it up.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

He in charge.

You ready to do this, Kid?

You ready to do this?KID CAPRI: Yeah. Yeah.

You ready to kick this off?Yeah.

Hey, couple shout-outs are going in the house.

I appreciate y'all coming out.

My man, Terminator X. Give it up for him in the house y'all.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Over there. Know what I'm sayin'?

Got his boys with him. Is the S1W soldiers? Is that y'all?

Yeah, that's them... That's them...

Motherfuckers be like this and shit.

I ain't gonna fuck with y'all. 'Cause y'all come out here

with that boot shit. I ain't got nothing for ya.

I always be trippin' off what that shit is, that motherfucker...

What kind of dance is that?

That's cool, that's cool.

Definitely ain't gonna fuck with y'all, y'all must be cousins.

Don't be scared. I ain't gonna fuck with you.

I'm gonna be nice on this show and shit.

Usually when I come out here and do my shit, I crack on motherfuckers.

I'mma be nice, cause I'm a host now, all right?

I might get some pussy later, too. Be nice.

That shit be helping in the motherfucking house.

Cold as a motherfucker here though, man.

Let me know if I start ashing up, all right?

Y'all let me know. Rub this shit down. I ain't gonna be looking

like no motherfucker sprayed baby powder

on my ass on national TV. I ain't bullshitting.

'Cause I'd rather take this shit though.

This cold, come to New York and be colder than a motherfucker

over the earthquake shit, I ain't bullshitting.

I'm from St. Louis but I just moved to L.A. like five years ago

and believe me, ain't nothing like

your nuts hitting the shower door. Ain't nothing like that.

I'm taking a shower, my motherfucking nuts swing.

What the fuck is going on? I can grab the dick but the nuts are swinging.

I'm like "Damn, you can't do shit for no earthquake."

People call 911. What the fuck you calling 911 for?

Calling the fire department. Well...

[STAMMERS] "Could you... Could you... It's an earthquake."

"Motherfucker, we know.

"I can help you if you come down here and get this ladder out of my ass."

Fuck it. People just panic during an earthquake, man.

And then... And then, now the highways... The highways is fucked up.

So, you know, white people gotta go through the ghetto now.

For real, they gotta drive through the ghetto

'cause, you know, they can drive a certain minute.

'Cause usually they can drive by the motherfuckin' ghetto.

"Look at the niggers, look at 'em."

See, now they gotta get off and take a detour through that motherfucker.

And motherfuckers be giving their ass a tour.

"That there is the projects."

It ain't shit you work on at school. That's where if you go in,

you ain't coming out of that motherfucker.

Nervous. "It ain't fair we gotta go through the neighborhood."

Hell yeah, you gotta go through the neighborhood.

See how that shit really is going on now.

For real, motherfucker be like this, "How y'all doing?

"Stop light, yeah, you ain't gonna need your car back

"for the weekend, are you?"

For real, motherfuckers jack they ass, man,

but I guess L.A. ain't that bad though.

L.A. ain't that bad if you can withstand the motherfuckin' earthquakes,

fires, floods, carjacking, gangs,

drive-bys, and LAPD your ass, you know, you be cool and shit.

Be cool.

So we gonna start this goddamn show.

'Cause being in this cold ass, goddamn, you know, city,

I lost my goddamn voice.

People always trying give me fucking remedies to get your voice back.

"This is what you do, man, since you got a sore throat..."

"Why don't you boil you some orange juice?

"Don't drink the shit. Put it in a plastic bag and set it on your neck."

I'm like "Damn, I tried that shit."

Next thing you know, my shit all scarred up.

I'm like wearing turtlenecks now, right.

Them motherfuckers say, "Well, then do this, do this, do this."

"Get you some Halls eucalyptus, all right?

"Don't put it in your mouth, stick it up your ass.

"See, that's where you trick the germ to come back up

"through the intestinal track, boom, knock that motherfucker out."

"Then you kill two birds with one stone

"'cause your ass have a menthol smell, you won't have to wash."

Fuck that. I'd rather just go back to the old shit.

So y'all ready have a good time?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Y'all ready to have a good time?AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Check it out then. Coming to the stage, y'all,

all the way from Dayton, Ohio,

give it up for my man, he funny as hell, Mr. Mystro. Give it up.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Yo, we gonna have to hype this shit up. Y'all ready to do this?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!Okay. I know it's cold but fuck that.

Some of y'all sitting here with your ass too tight.

Some of y'all cool but some of y'all, if I stuck a pencil in your ass,

you could sharpen the motherfucker.

Y'all know as well as I do brothers don't

leave a house for no bullshit, am I right?

AUDIENCE: Right!When you come out the house,

you come to get stupid.

'Cause we some smooth motherfuckers. Your rent can be late,

your phone turned off. Nigga, we'll throw a party.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

Goddamn it. You know me.

You ever been looking for your partner?

You try to call this nigga for three weeks.

You go up in the club, this nigga in there dancing.

You like, "Nigga, where you been?"

"Nigga, my phone cut off. Shit.

"Shit. My car repo. Can I get a ride home, nigga?" Shit.

But, see, I gotta drop off a little quick knowledge,

see it's 50 percent brothers and it's 100 percent brothers.

I'm one of them original 100 percent old-school niggas.

Where the posse at? Where the squad? See?

See, I love that. See, that's some old 100 percent shit

'cause that's real, see, but we got too many

fifty percent niggas runnin' around now.

That's niggas with half the knowledge they supposed to have.

Fucking shit up.

And the motherfuckers always get interviewed on the news

with the curl bag on their goddamn head.

How come broke motherfuckers with raggedy hairdos always see shit happen?

Well, see I'm a tell one story 'cause we family and I'm on break.

See, I got caught out there one time back when

I was a 99 percent nigga, see,

'cause you got to go through levels. You know what I'm saying?

See, I used to date this woman bodybuilder

'cause I like them thick like that.

You know. But I had to get rid of her

'cause she got a little too strong for my monkey ass.

I ain't no little bitty nigga but shit was getting out of hand.

You know what I'm saying? Nigga got an image, you know.

'Cause I met her in the gym. We both throwing about 300, you know what I'm saying?

I'm looking at her like "I think we can do this."

You know. So I'm kicking a little flavor, she's scooping it up.

That was kind of fly, y'all can use that if you want to.

'Cause you know I get her back to the pad 'cause the rat was tight.

So, you know. So I'm thinking I'm about to lick on these titties

and get the party started, 'cause Mystro ain't no fag. You know what I'm saying?

So I bust that 100 percent technique on her ass, figure eight, nigga, boom.

[GRUNTS]

Nigga hit that spot. That nipple jumped up, knocked my tooth out.

But I ain't no quitter so I throw a piece of cotton in that motherfucker.

I'm like, "No, baby, you gonna have to knock all my teeth out

"'cause I'm in it to win it." We take sex personal.

I'm in there like, "Yeah, I'mma do my thing."

So I'm riding like Roy Rogers. You know me.

Next thing I know, she switched up on a nigga.

I'm thinking "You ain't no challenge. I'm gonna go and break out."

Threw one of them big ass thighs up on a nigga, kachunk.

Oh, shit, you wanna play rough. Okay.

So I'm thinking, "Fuck this, I'm gonna go and get real."

Now, I'm go all up in that chest cavity on her ass. Right.

'Cause I got skills.

I'm like "Poof, now what you gonna do?"

She threw that other big ass leg up on a nigga, kachunk.

All of a sudden I'm having trouble breathing in this motherfucker.

Nigga, don't faint. Do not faint.

Don't cry, nigga. Do not cry. Do not cry.

So I'm like "Fuck this." I pushed back, fellas,

'cause I started feeling lightheaded, you know.

I said, "All right you's a strong motherfucker I admit that.

"You've been eating protein, drinking seaweed and shit."

She said, "Well, bring your 100 percent back up in here

"and bring your tongue with ya."

I said, "Let me get a little bit of this Gatorade first."

Then I put on a yellow hat with a light on it

'cause I'm about to go coal miner deep on her ass.

You know? And then I said, "Just call me Captain Kirk

"'cause I'm going where no nigga has gone before on your ass."

Then I put some orange cones around the bed so a nigga don't get hurt.

Yeah, we gonna do this. I said, "I better stretch out.

"Shit might get out of hand in this motherfucker.

"Might have to get Van Damme on your monkey ass. Shit."

You know. So I step back in it 'cause I'm down with the Zulu, you know what I'm saying?

I'm looking at her big ass right in the eye.

We like Jordan and Barkley in this motherfucker.

I'm like "Come on and make a move

"so I can [EXCLAIMS] block that shit."

You know. I'm like, "Come on with it.

"If you smell something stinky, that's me 'cause I'm the shit."

You know me. Nigga.

Nigga. Nigga. Nigga. You know.

[GRUNTS]

Shit. So I'm doing my thing, right.

She fucked around and clamped down on a nigga, right.

Pulled me down and said, "Fuck me hard."

I said, "Third gear on your ass."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

I said, "Let that be a lesson to your ass."

Soon as I tilted that pelvis, nigga,

she hit third gear on my ass.

I said, "This bitch get any stronger,

"I'mma have to call my momma get me up out of here."

So I raised up for a second. She flipped a nigga over,

threw my knees up like a bitch,

sat on my dick and went, boom,

"Whose dick is this boy? Speak up, punk."

I said, "Momma!"

Mystro, y'all.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Mystro.

Y'all all right? Y'all ladies cool?

I wanna know what kind of booster it is make him do all that shit.

Motherfucker was splitting like a goddamn Olympian, wasn't he?

I'm like "Damn!" Can't do all that.

All that exercise he put in just for some ass, fuck that.

How you doing, Mr. White Man?

I ain't see your ass sitting there.

You look like that David Koresh motherfucker, man.

Don't he? Look at him. Damn, I ain't following your ass nowhere.

That only happen to white people who live

way out in the suburbs or some shit

or the hicks where they ain't got too much of what's happening.

Following a motherfucker, he walk up and say he Jesus.

"Nigga, can we follow you?" Take this shit to the hood.

Brother walk up in the hood talking about Jesus.

Brother gonna be like this, pow, right in the head.

"Now, if you Jesus, you be up in three days.

"Right, now give me that goddamn wallet, you don't need that motherfucker."

All right, shit. We gonna keep this motherfucker rolling, rolling, rolling.

One of y'all homeboys is coming here from N.Y., N.Y.

That's New York, y'all. For motherfuckers that don't know that's watching TV.

Give it up for Mr. Gerald Kelly.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Wassup. Wassup.

All the fine black women in the house make some noise.

[WOMEN CHEERING]

Ladies, I'mma talk to y'all for a minute.

How many of y'all are sick and tired of these fronting ass niggas?

No, how many y'all tired of these frontin' ass niggas?

The type of man who walks in a club with his car radio in his hand

just to let you know he's driving.

Now, it's getting out of hand.

You got niggas walking around the clubs carrying steering wheels,

license plates, gasoline, mufflers, just fronting.

And ladies, I'm tired of y'all getting on the radio telling all your damn business.

With them shout-outs. "Hi, my name is Jazmine,

"I'd like to give a shout out to my man Andre,

"to my son's father Darren, to my daughter's father Mikey,

"to my baby's father Henry, to anybody that wants some of this pussy."

And in the '90s, there's a sex recession going on.

Oh, yeah, pussy recession.

You ain't getting it like you used to. 'Cause I know.

I ain't had no pussy in so long,

I woke up the other morning, my dick was leaving the apartment.

This nigga packed all his bags.

All I heard was the door slam and the word "shit."

Looked out the window, he trying to catch a cab.

I said, "Where you going?" He said, "Yo, fuck you, man.

"I had it up to here. You putting rubbers on me, I can't breathe.

"You know I got asthma, motherfucker."

"I be in the room minding my business

"and you start beating on me and beating on me

"and beating on me and beating on me.

"Keep your hands to yourself, motherfucker,

"I swear to God. I swear to God.

"Put your hands on me again, I'll put your ass

"in handcuffs, I swear to God."

[SOBS]

And I wish they leave my motherfucking man, Michael Jackson, alone.

'Cause, yo, Michael Jackson in my opinion is the greatest entertainer of all time.

You know you bad when you got your own vocabulary.

Mike say shit like "Shamon, ya know it, ju ju ju ju."

My name is Gerald Kelly, I'm out of here.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Gerald Kelly. Gerald Kelly. Y'all enjoying yourself?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

All right. all right. Keep this shit going. That shit was funny.

Mary had a little lamb.

All right y'all, coming in from Baltimore, Maryland,

sexy lady. Gone put a little lady...

Got a lady coming out here so you women can be happy.

Y'all get sick of all these men coming out here

and talking about what they can do to y'all.

Now we got a girl, she probably gone set all this shit straight.

Give it up, sexy ass she is, for Mo'nique.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Wassup! Let me hear y'all make some noise. Wassup.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]All right. Yeah.

Now, brothers, before I get started, let me tell you something.

I'm not up here male bashing, no shit like that.

But sometimes, ladies, it's our turn.

Y'all hear what I'm saying. It's our turn. That's right.

So I want just a little cooperation.

Let me hear all the ladies say, "Hell, yeah."

AUDIENCE: Hell, yeah!

Let me hear all my big sisters say, "You goddamn right."

AUDIENCE: You goddamn right!

Now, see there some fat asses up front

but the bitches think they chubby so they ain't say shit.

She ain't talking to me. Hey, fat fat.

Hey. Shit.

I'm a telling you something, is nothing wrong with being a big girl.

I'm a big girl my damn self and I look good. You know what I'm saying?

The shit is straight, you know. Okay.

Okay.

You know what I'm saying? But I'mma tell you something.

I'm one for comfort. I'm not gonna be uncomfortable for no damn body.

I wear bloomers, my shit is up to here but I'm comfortable.

'Cause I'mma tell you something.

It's nothing like having your drawers caught up in your ass.

Hey, hey, hey. And don't let that shit catch a coochi hair.

Hey hey, hey, hey!

That's some uncomfortable shit. No, I'm not gonna do it.

And I'mma tell you what's hard about being big, sex. Sex is a damn job.

That's why I fuck with small men.

'Cause I can control shit. Hey. Hey. Hey.

I like them kind of niggas where I can pump them up then catch their ass.

Bam! I got you, nigga.

[LAUGHS] Pam, boy, I'm gonna fuck you up, nigga.

Pam, pam, pam, pam, pam, pam, pam, pam, pam, pam, pam, pam.

I'll tear their ass up. Pam, pam. [GRUNTS]

I fuck them down. Ooh, shit. Ain't no shame.

[BREATHES HEAVILY]

You know how you get that aftermath?

I want y'all to do me a real personal favor tonight.

When y'all leave here and you're walking down the streets of New York

and you see a bum on the street and he's a black man,

he just got a bad hand in life, just help his ass out.

Pick him up. Take him to get something to eat.

If he's thirsty, take him to get something to drink.

If he need a little piece of pussy, take him on the side.

Pam. Just help his ass out. My name is Mo'nique, y'all have been great.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Mo'nique! Y'all like that, ladies?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Satisfied now, aren't ya? Whoo!

This next guy coming to the stage, y'all,

one of the comics from back in the day,

I'm talking about Mr. Paul Mooney.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Hey, hey, hey, hey, black people.

Hey, hey, hey, black people. Hey, hey, hey.

Right, right, right, right.

Latinos, Latinos. All right.

Puerto Ricans, okay. Okay.

And good evening, white people, good evening.

A lot of stuff happen. '93 is gone.

Was a big year. '94, we want more. A lot of shit went down.

A lot of black folks got in trouble.

A lot of black people got in trouble.

Whoopi Goldberg got in a lot of trouble.

Lot of trouble. The black face stuff.

I tried to tell folks. It's hard to be a nigga in America.

To be a black man, it is difficult.

It is not easy. They make it hard.

Ted Danson was a nigga for an hour.

Look all the trouble he got into.

Look at all the trouble he got into.

He hurried up and wiped that black stuff off his face.

He said, "Let me hurry up and wipe this off,

"I don't like the way this makes me feel."

Big, big trouble, okay?

The big thing in '93 is the Bobbitt thing. The cutting off the dick.

We all know that. That's the big deal,

that's 'cause it's a white man's dick.

That's right. That's why the whole world turned upside down.

A white man's dick was cut off, okay?

They made a big deal out of it, all right.

Women get mutilated, arms cut off, head chopped off.

Nobody gives a damn.

White man gets his dick cut off,

he ends up on the cover of every magazine.

The man was on everything. On everything. I think he was on Jet.

The man was on every cover of every goddamn magazine.

I think the lady ought to get an award.

She should get some kind of trophy.

She should. I'm sorry.

She obviously got 20/20 vision, she found the little thing.

It was very difficult to find.

I was surprised to see she was Latino. I thought she was Japanese.

I thought it was Benihana all that slicing and dicing she did. Cut the dick off.

Rode on the highway. Threw the shit out in the street.

Went to a girlfriend's house, confessed.

The girlfriend said, "No, you've got to go find that dick, you can't do that."

She went back, found it, they sewed it on. He was lucky.

A bird could've flew away with that shit.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

She got off on the ground of temporary insanity.

She got off okay. Temporary insanity. She divorced him.

Thank God it ain't in California

'cause California is a woman state.

She'd get the house, the car, and the dick.

Trust me when I tell ya that.

Wherever she go, ain't nobody gonna ever mess with her.

If a rapist grab her in the alley, he'll let her go.

She say, "You know who I am? Do you know I will cut your fucking dick off?"

Thank God it wasn't a black man's dick. Different story. Different story.

Freeway would have been backed up.

The freeway is backed up for miles.

There's a black dick on the highway.

Traffic will be backed up for miles, for days, for weeks.

White women, close your eyes, white women.

Do not get out of the car and for God's sake, don't touch it.

We will be sending a crane to pick the black penis up.

A crane will be coming out in 15 minutes

to pick up the black penis.

And finally. The person that pissed me off the most.

Y'all gonna get mad, cause she's your favorite.

Oprah Winfrey. I don't know if...

See, I'm mad at that bitch. I'm mad at her.

Oprah lies. She's been lying to us for ten years.

She's been saying she's gonna get married

for how many years, I can count, ten.

That dress is a miniskirt by now.

The moths have ate that dress up.

It will be a bridal bra by the time she walks done the aisle.

And she has too many freaks on her shoulder.

She had a woman that went beyond Sybil, the woman had like 200 personalities.

The crazy white woman, just crazy as cat shit.

White folks always got people living in them.

And we and us and we and the daughter said,

"Well, it was fun growing up with mother

"because, I'd leave home, I'd never know who I came home to."

I mean, just a crazy bitch. "We and us." No reality.

If I was her landlord I would've went straight to her house the next day.

"Bitch, I saw the show, I'm raising your goddamn rent.

"Two hundred people live in my one bedroom,

"I'm raising your goddamn rent."

I bet the next month reality would set in.

"Sir, they all moved, it's just me.

"It's just me, sir."

Thank you. Love you. Thank you. Happy new year. Happy new year.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Thank y'all for coming out, enjoyin' the Def Jam.

Listen here, give it up for the man

who pays the bills and hanging out with us and everything.

Kicking it back all the time. Mr. Rubble Bibbons.

Russell Simmons.

You've got something new to say, man?

Yeah, something new.You've got something new.

Thanks for coming out. God bless you, good night.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

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