Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

KID CAPRI: It's the Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.

Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for my main man,

Mr. Martin Lawrence!

[APPLAUSE]

AUDIENCE: ♪ Go, Martin, go, Martin, go, Martin, go, Martin,

♪ Go, Martin, go, Martin, go, Martin, go, Martin,

♪ Go, Martin, go, Martin

What's up?

[CHEERING]

How y'all live?

What the hell are y'all doin' up there?

Hey, motherfuckers, sit your ass down, man!

[MARTIN LAUGHS]

What's up? Give my man, Drez from...

You, Drez, a round of applause.[APPLAUSE]

You know, they threw me off and shit, man.

What's up?

Yeah, high-fivin' and shit, sit down.

[LAUGHS]

All right. Oh, damn.

[LAUGHING]

What? No, I'm sayin', now.

The fur coat and the hair, bro.

[LAUGHING]

Motherfucker, if you ain't a pimp you better be one.

[LAUGHING]

That nigga just said, "Fuck it, I ain't changin' for nobody."

How you doin', man? All right, man. [CHUCKLES]

You're like a well-groomed G.I. Joe type motherfucker, man.

[LAUGHING]

I ain't gonna fuck with you, man, but, you know?

That's you... I like you 'cause you said, "Fuck it. You know?

"I'm gonna be who I am.

"You know, I know I'm fucked up, but I got to be that."

[LAUGHING]

No, I'm fuckin' with you, man.

How you doin' with your little pretty fine-ass self?

Sister, sister, I feel good about you.

And she just blushin'.

How you doin'? Got a man?

Where is he?

Washington DC?

[LAUGHING]

Shit, nigga can't catch us tonight.

[LAUGHING]

Know what I'm sayin'?

Yeah. What's up, man? How y'all feel?

Thank you for comin' out again, 'cause we got the best talent.

You know, comedians from all over.

You guys take these brothers to super stardom, because of you.

And we want to thank y'all, so give yourselves a round of applause.

[APPLAUSE]

We got a hell of a show for you guys lined up.

And, a lot of people been callin' me,

want to come over my house and visit me.

I don't mind people visitin' me.

You know, but guests are a motherfucka,

friends fuck your house up.

Don't they? They don't respect your shit.

Piss all in the back of your toilet, don't clean that shit up.

You ever had a motherfucker sleep on your couch so long

like a leather couch, so motherfuckin' long they shape it to their fit?

[LAUGHING]

It don't fit your ass no more. You just fucked up.

You can't get a comfortable sit to save your goddamn life.

Your couch smell like ass, feet, corn chips, every goddamn thing else.

My partners know who I'm talkin' about.

I want them to leave, they won't leave.

[LAUGHING]

Coming to the stage from Plainfield, New Jersey,

now living in Atlanta, Georgia.

Give it up for Zooman.

[APPLAUSE]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Yo, what's up?[CHEERING]

'Sup in this motherfucker?

I am glad to be back up this way, boy.

Damn, I had... '93, man. I had my first blunt this year, ever.

That shit... Pfft!

[LAUGHING]

Whoo-ee!

It had a different effect on me, man. It had a different effect on me.

I had this shit,

and then I was supposed to go to church the next day,

and I fell asleep watching a karate flick.

I had the most bugged out dream.

I had a dream that I went to a church, but it was all Oriental.

But it was Baptist.

They was tryin' to be black.

Big, chubby, Chinese preacher up there goin'...

"Uh...

[MOCKS CHINESE LANGUAGE]

Little Chinese deacons in the back...

[MOCKS CHINESE LANGUAGE]

Fucked up. If you got a chance, yo, spend your money black.

Fuck that.[APPLAUSE]

Spend your money black, support all that black shit.

'Cause they'll take our money, man,

and they don't give two shits about us, you know?

I went in there, man, to get a Mickey Mouse watch in one of 'em Chinese stores.

Gave me the hardest time in the world. Just to get a watch.

I came in, I was like, "Excuse me, my man.

"Yo, can I get some help?

"Can I get some help? Yo!"

[CHINESE ACCENT] "What? What? What you want?

"No you see I busy?"

I was like, "Yeah, all I want is a watch.

How much is that Mickey Mouse watch right there?

[CHINESE ACCENT] Mickey Mouse? Hold on.

They turn around on your ass and fuck your head up,

start talkin' some shit, you don't know what's goin' on.

Turn around, be like... [MOCKS CHINESE LANGUAGE]

"Mickey Mouse!"

[LAUGHING]

[CHINESE ACCENT] "Mickey Mouse watch is $10."

I was like, "Damn, I ain't got $10. How much is that other one?"

[CHINESE ACCENT] "No, no, no other one, you asked Mickey Mouse!

"Why you ask other one? You want Mickey Mouse, you buy or you go!"

[LAUGHING]

So I move down the counter and try to talk to this other guy

that was working there too, right?

But he got a problem some black people got.

He was born in this country, but don't really know where he came from

so to find out his heritage, he watched a lot of karate flicks.

He come to the counter, I think I'm gonna talk him down,

I said, "Yo, can we get this cheaper than $10?"

He came up, was like...

[CHINESE ACCENT] "Hmm.

"Hey, he said it was $10.

"Hmm. What am I, stupid?"

"Mmm-mmm.

"You either buy it for $10...

"Hmm, or you leave!

[LAUGHING]"Hmm."

I'm like, "Shit."

And what's messed up, yo, the moral to that story

is fuckin' 'round and spendin' your money in a neighborhood

where it ain't gonna come back and benefit you or your people

you'll never know what time it is.

[APPLAUSE]Now, that's the word up.

You gotta go black, man. We got the fattest shit, right?

We got rap music. Can't nobody copy that. Right?

Thing about rap though, is you can kind of tell,

when you hear our music, you can tell what's going on behind the scenes.

Right? You can tell.

Like, it don't take no brain surgeon

to know that a certain group was in a basement or a sewer

smokin' blunts to come up with lyrics like what they've got.

[LAUGHING]

You just don't... You just don't sit around and write this shit.

You gotta be somewhere goin...

[INHALES]

[LAUGHING]

Yo, my name is Zoo and I'm peace!

[APPLAUSE]

Round of applause, Zooman. Another round of applause.

[APPLAUSE]

Now...

I got to go back for a minute.

What the fuck is this hairstyle?

The big bush with the rose in it.

[LAUGHING]

You're like the late, great, fucked-up Billie Holiday.

[LAUGHING]

God bless the child that got her own.

Is that all yours?

No.

So you brought somebody else's hair and put it into a bush?

[LAUGHING]

All right, I didn't have to know. I'm just... I'm sayin'.

I just noticed it on camera

and I just wanted to know where we were at.

[CHUCKLES]

Angela Davis in the house.

[APPLAUSE]

All right. Coming to the stage from Lynwood, California,

it's a woman and she's comin' out here to rock y'all.

'Cause I seen her do some stuff earlier.

So I know you're ready for them, girl.

So give it up for Edwonda.

Is that right? Is that right?

Edwonda, yes, Edwonda.

[APPLAUSE]

What's up, New York?

[CHEERING]How y'all doin', black people?

Black people, if you think a sista should be with a brotha,

and a brotha should be with a sista,

let me hear you say, "You damn right."

AUDIENCE: You damn right!

That's right, you damn right,

'cause this "jungle fever" bullshit is gettin' a little out of hand.

[LAUGHING]

And you know who you are, fellas. Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

'Cause, sistas, back me up, back me up,

don't it make you mad

when you see a fine black African king

with a homey-ass...

[LAUGHING]

Marcia Brady-lookin' white bitch?

[LAUGHING]

And when I say "bitch," I mean that in the most complimentary way.

You know what I'm sayin'?[LAUGHING]

It's all about comin' up, black people.

United we stand, divided we fall.

Y'all look at me sayin', "Look at her prejudice ass. Look at her gold-diggin' ass."

No, I ain't prejudiced,

but if lovin' my people is wrong, then I don't want to be right.

Fuck that.[APPLAUSE]

Fuck the bullshit, y'all.

That's right.

And I'll tell you one thing else.

I ain't prejudiced, I ain't prejudiced, and I ain't no gold digger.

I just want a black man, that got some shit I ain't got.

[LAUGHING]Like good credit.

[LAUGHING]

'Cause I'll be the first to admit that my shit is fucked up.

[LAUGHING]

Can we work together on some shit is what I want to know.

Know what I'm sayin'? [LAUGHS]

Fuck the bullshit, 'cause in the '90s,

if you an independent black female, let me hear you say, "Hell, yeah."

WOMEN: Hell, yeah!

You damn right. Brothas, I ain't leavin' you out.

Fellas, if you a good man, let me hear you say, "Hell, yeah".

MEN: Hell, yeah!You damn right,

there's some good black men out there,

and we need to start kickin' them in they ass,

and let them be the king they gonna be.

That's right, 'cause the black man, all he need is some help.

Got them white women out there cheerleading for them and shit.

"Black man, black man, he's our man, if he can't do it, no one can!"

Fuck that! Some sistas need to be cheerleadin' for they ass.

"Go, go, go, go, go.

"Go!"

Fuck that, we need to be cheerleadin' for they ass too, am I right?

Fuck the dumb shit. 'Cause in the night. That's right.

Shit. In the '90s,

I'm a firm believer, don't get me wrong, fellas.

If a man can be a doctor, a woman can be a doctor.

If a man can be a lawyer, a woman can be a lawyer.

If a man can pick up the check at dinner,

a woman can be a lawyer, you know.

[LAUGHING]

That's all I'm sayin', you know.

Can we work together on some shit is what I want to know.

[LAUGHS]

Know what I'm sayin'?

Shit, it ain't the broke man I'm talkin' about though.

The broke man, he all right. He got potential.

We need to push him and help him to do somethin'.

Don't dog a brotha 'cause he ain't got shit,

we got to help him get him some shit, you know what I'm sayin'?

Am I right?

Don't say, "Ain't shit," and just dog him.

No, no, no, no!

It ain't the broke man I'm talkin' about.

I don't have no problem with him.

I got a problem with that cheap motherfucker.

[LAUGHING]

Sistas? Y'all know what I'm talkin' about?

Brotha got it to spend, but don't want to spend it on you.

Always want to fuck but don't wanna take you nowhere.

Constantly... Constantly doin' shit for him,

and can't get him to buy your ass a stick of gum.

That's the motherfucker I'm talkin' about. But you know what, ladies?

We gon' get together on they ass.

We gon' have the... The cheap-ass man hotline.

We gon' call they ass and turn they ass in.

Kid Capri? The commercial will go like this.

"Call 1-800-KICKASS,

"and we'll roll to that nigga house, and kick his ass.

"Operators are standin' by like a motherfucker."

[APPLAUSE]

Yeah!

That's what I want me, a gangsta bitch.

Give her a round of applause.

[APPLAUSE]

And what I want in a woman,

"You motherfucker, you want a sandwich, motherfucker?

"You want cheese on that, nigga?"

[LAUGHING]

Go ahead, girl.

Yeah. All right.

Comin' to the stage from Memphis, Tennessee, all right?

Please welcome Lester Bibbs.

[APPLAUSE]

All right, all right, all right.

That chick was a trip. [LAUGHS]

Cheap-ass motherfucker.

Did everybody get what they wanted for Christmas?

AUDIENCE: Yeah.I don't think you heard me,

did everybody get what they wanted for Christmas?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!Don't it make you mad?

Don't you hate buying somebody a real good gift,

and they give you like a real shitty gift in return?

Man, check this shit out, I bought my sister a VCR.

Bitch got me some drawers.

[LAUGHING]

I ain't lyin'. You know, I hand her her present.

She hand me mine. She open hers up,

and she hands me mine like ain't shit wrong.

I open it up I look at it, I went, "Wait a minute.

"Wait a goddamn minute."[LAUGHING]

I said, "These are some drawers."

She said, "Yeah, but it's the thought that counts."

I said, "Shit, I'm thinkin' about takin' my motherfuckin' VCR back!"

[LAUGHING]

Don't get me wrong, I think women

are the most intelligent creatures on this Earth.

How many people agree with that?

[APPLAUSE]

Women are smart!

See, women can out-lie men. Women know when to lie.

They do. Guys, we don't know when to lie.

You ever try to catch a guy off guard

and ask him where he been?

You fuck him... "Where you been?" "Huh?"

[LAUGHING]

"Where you been?" [LAUGHS]

"All right."

Women know when to lie, man.

They know when you fall in love, you become goofy.

I ain't lyin', my little brother fell in love, married an ugly girl.

Looked just like Jiminy Cricket with a dress on.

[LAUGHING]

Make that noise and shit.

[IMITATES CHIRPING][LAUGHING]

I think the phone's ringin' when she's in the house, man.

[CHIRPING]"Hello?

"Damn, the phone keeps ringing."

Shoot.

I can tell you another reason

why women are the most intelligent creatures on this Earth.

Let the church say, "Amen".AUDIENCE: Amen.

I don't think you heard me, let the church say, "Amen."

AUDIENCE: Amen.Deacon?

[LAUGHING]

He just broke out, "Well..."

[LAUGHING]

Shoot. I know this guy who dated this girl.

She stayed out all night,

came home at 8:00 in the goddamn morning.

And she got... I don't think you heard me.

What time was it when the girl got home?

AUDIENCE: 8:00.It wasn't no 8:00.

It was 8:00 in the goddamn morning.

I still don't think everybody heard.

People up there in the cheap seats.

[LAUGHING]

What time was it when the girl got home, 8:00 in the what?

AUDIENCE: Goddamn morning!

And she got out of it.

Now, guys goin', "For real though?"

The women goin', "How?"

I'll show you.

Now, ladies, you know this.

Now, guys, women are so smart.

They know if they get in trouble

and they got a guy that's goin'... [MOCKING]

And they stay out all night,

they will have... If they guy is like dead in love,

they will have a chance to explain,

because the guy wants to believe he's the only one

poppin' their coochie. You know it, guys.

This is what a guy does, "Oh, that's true!"

And women are so smart, they will dictate how the fight's gonna go.

They're driving home going, "Okay, I know he goin' be mad,

"so I'mma say this...

[LAUGHING]

"That's gonna make him say that."

[APPLAUSE]

Meanwhile, this brotha call me up on the phone.

I'm sleepin' like a motherfucker.

Phone rings, "Ring, ring," answer the phone, "Hello?"

"Hey, man, what's up?"

"Lord have mercy.

"Why have thou forsaken me?

"My girlfriend ain't at home and I think I better let her go."

[LAUGHING]

I'm like, "Motherfucker, why you callin' me singin' this early?"

"Cause my girlfriend ain't here, and I wish it would rain."

[LAUGHING]

I'm like, "Well, you call me tomorrow,

"and let me know what time she get in." He said, "Okie dokey!"

Hang up the phone. Now, ladies,

you know, sooner or later you've got to come home.

Now, ladies, you walk in like ain't shit wrong.

Y'all float in the motherfuckin' house.

Women open the door. Pfft!

[LAUGHING]

You're like, "Good mornin'!"

Pfft! "Hey."[LAUGHING]

"You know it's 8:00 in the..."

AUDIENCE: Goddamn mornin'?

"And you just gettin' home?"

"And?"

[LAUGHING]

"And I was worried,

"and I want to know where the fuck you been,

"and love should have brought your ass home last night."

[LAUGHING]

Guys, this is when they get you like,

"Uh, I see we have a communication problem.

[LAUGHING]

"Do you love me?"

[MOCKING]

"You know I do!"

"Well, I fell asleep in the park."

This motherfucker went, "Okie, dokey."

I said, "Guys, let us try that shit.

We come strollin' in at 7:45 or 8:00 in the...

AUDIENCE: Goddamn morning.

We got a totally different situation, because, first of all,

we're gonna try to laugh that shit off.

We gonna open the door... [LAUGHS]

[LAUGHING]

"Baby, I was at the park..."

She goin' cut you off right there.

"Wait a minute, motherfucker, hold up.

"Your shit is packed in the other room,

"I want you to get your dog and your Nintendo,

"and leave the fuckin' house."

I've been Lester, peace.

[APPLAUSE]

All right,

give him another round of applause, please.

[APPLAUSE]

All right. Comin' to the stage from Washington DC,

all right, he's been on here two other times,

and when he was on here last, both times, he rocked.

He's back to do it a third time, he's on the rise,

just as all the comics that perform over here are on the rise.

Give it up for my man, Ted Carpenter.

[APPLAUSE]

How y'all gonna clap for a brotha?

Don't even try it, I've been here too many times. Clap!

This ain't... This is no amateur night.

This is not amateur night.

[APPLAUSE]

Black folks, y'all look damn good.

Damn good. I see Martin,

I see why he keep messin' with you.

Eh!

But I don't like cute women.

Fuck ya, fuck ya, fuck ya.

I like ugly women. Just damn ugly for no fuckin' reason at all.

Type of women that sneak up on you just standin' there,

and you just... "Hey, hey, hey, hey.

[LAUGHING]"Hey.

"Don't be sneakin' up on a motherfucker now."

Good woman, boy.

But we got to stay together, we don't stay together like we should as black people.

We're gettin' all optimistic 'cause now we have a new president.

Fuck that, I'm not happy. I'm not happy!

Until we are equal with white folks, I am not motherfuckin' happy.

Y'all content ass niggas, y'all can be happy if you want.

I'm serious.

See because you must understand, I live in DC.

I saw them country white people gettin' off the bus.

Clinton and all his crew.

Oh, white people just gettin' off the bus, just happy.

[LAUGHING]

"Yee-hoo!

"Look at all of the buildings, goddamn!"

[LAUGHING]

See, I don't forget, 'cause I know that old shit that they can do to us.

White people will trick your ass in a minute.

I see some of y'all strategically placed in this motherfucker.

[LAUGHING]

I know what y'all doin. I know y'all watching me.

Uh-huh! Uh-huh!

I see your ass too!

'Cause I don't trust no white people.

Every time I see them I say,

"Yeah, y'all mothafuckas got us, 200 years ago.

"Y'all fucked us up, y'all did!"

'Cause we was over in Africa, chilin' out.

Every man was a king and every woman was a queen.

Chilin' over in Africa, probably at a comedy club.

[LAUGHING]

Brother up on stage... [IMITATES TRIBAL LANGUAGE].

Everybody laughin'. White boy ran in,

said there gonna be free food on the boat.

You know how we like that free food.

Next thing you know, we was pickin' cotton like a motherfucker.

♪ Lord, Lord, Lord, Lord, Lord, Lord, Lord ♪

That is an eerie feelin',

to wake up one day, bein' a king,

and the next day, you gotta pick cotton.

Oh, that shit is messed up. Look at y'all, brothas.

You'd be pissed off, wouldn't you?

Mad as a motherfucker, wouldn't you?

Just damn mad.

All the light-skinned people get to work closer to the house.

Dark niggas like you, y'all motherfuckers got to be way the fuck out there.

You got to sound a horn for your black ass lunch break.

[IMITATES HORN BLOWING]

[LAUGHING]

Everybody be out there, man. All of y'all got to come.

All of y'all be workin'.

Big brother, you be workin' too.

Just a... You gotta pull the carts and shit.

[LAUGHING]Just a big motherfucker.

All of y'all be workin'. Everybody out there.

All these little pretty ladies,

look like you like to get your hair fixed on Saturdays,

no more of that shit.[LAUGHING]

Your ass be workin' in the cotton field. Be 900 fuckin' degrees.

Niggas with Jheri curls be blowin' up like popcorn.

[LAUGHING]

Pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow!

Everybody, you can think... Richard Pryor be out there.

Richard just... I wouldn't even want him near me

'cause he wouldn't help no fuckin' body, would he?

"I'm not helpin' a nigga pick shit off this hot motherfucker,

"I don't give a fuck.

[LAUGHING]

"It's hot as hell out here. I'm not pickin' up a goddamn thing."

Big old Mike Tyson be a big old punk.

Cryin' and shit. [CRYING]

[LAUGHING]

Richard Pryor, "What's wrong with you, you dumb motherfucker?"

[LAUGHING]

[STAMMERS] "I just... I don't wanna do this...

[LAUGHING]

[CRYING]

[STAMMERS] "I mean, what I do is I'm a fighter, what I do with on the...

"It's getting ludicrous, I don't want to do it anymore."

Jesse Jackson be the cotton field manager.

[LAUGHING]

"My people, what we must do is gather, dig low, punch up, grab higher."

[LAUGHING]

See, but we don't have respect for those times, those days.

But you got to remember those people were pure,

they were pure Africans, you know what I'm sayin'?

And they would run... If they could they would run, you know what I'm sayin'?

But they had no place to go, man.

They had no place to go. Plus that whip.

That whip hurt like a motherfucker, man.

I'm tellin' you, you ask a brotha today, say,

"Look here, my brotha, would you pick cotton?"

And he'll look at you dead in your eye and say,

"Man, you crazier than a motherfucker.

"I wouldn't pick a goddamn thing.

"Somebody got to kill me before I do any of this monkey shit."

Smack his ass with that whip.

Smack him with that whip, just who-pow!

"All I'm sayin' is I ain't gonna pick all this shit by myself.

"That's what I'm tryin' to tell everybody."

That's what I'm sayin'.

[APPLAUSE]

"Somebody gonna have to help me."

That whip ain't no joke, man.

Crack Richard Pryor with that whip, just crack it, just who-pow!

"Oh, shit,

"you're sayin' this is all I got to do?

[LAUGHING]

"Shit, I don't mind helpin' a motherfucker, you know?

"Shit."

Big ol' Mike Tyson, bust his ass, just who-pow!

Who-pow!

[LAUGHING]

"Ow.

"I swear you guys make me so fuckin' mad sometimes.

"I'm serious, you guys. I'm serious."

[APPLAUSE]

Yo, my name is Ted Carpenter.

Peace out, I appreciate it, I'm out of here.

[APPLAUSE]

Let's bring Russell up to say goodnight, come on up man.

[APPLAUSE]

Thank y'all for comin' out, God bless you, goodnight.

[MUSIC PLAYING][APPLAUSE]

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