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[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
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KID CAPRI: It's the Russel
Simmons'Def Comedy Jam!
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00:00:34,904 --> 00:00:37,394
Ladies and gentlemen,
put your hands together for
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00:00:37,428 --> 00:00:42,828
my main man,
Mr. Martin Lawrence!
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00:00:49,614 --> 00:00:51,444
Yeah!
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00:00:56,056 --> 00:00:57,616
What's up?
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00:01:01,191 --> 00:01:03,021
Give up for my man,
Kid Capri.
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00:01:06,805 --> 00:01:08,105
What's up man?
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00:01:08,155 --> 00:01:10,155
What's up?How you doing?
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KID CAPRI: I'm chillin'.You been being
nice to the people man?
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00:01:12,681 --> 00:01:15,081
Has Kid Capri been
nice to you?AUDIENCE: Yeah.
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00:01:15,118 --> 00:01:17,818
Because you know,
his success he might have changed a little bit.
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00:01:19,775 --> 00:01:21,115
Yo, y'all seen
the show on...
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00:01:21,168 --> 00:01:24,688
The show on HBO where
you confront your killer?
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00:01:24,736 --> 00:01:26,256
Anybody see that shit?AUDIENCE: Yeah.
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00:01:26,303 --> 00:01:29,183
Or you confront the person
who tried to kill you?
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00:01:29,219 --> 00:01:32,959
HBO... Only white people
can do that shit.
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00:01:33,005 --> 00:01:35,485
What... What the fuck you
all be thinking about man?
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00:01:35,530 --> 00:01:41,100
White people..."I want to
know why you,
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00:01:42,189 --> 00:01:44,889
"you fucking hit me?
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"I gave you the money,
all you had to do was leave.
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00:01:48,064 --> 00:01:52,074
"Why did you fucking
keep hitting me?"
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00:01:52,112 --> 00:01:54,552
You know a black man ain't
never gonna admit this shit.
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00:01:54,592 --> 00:01:56,162
He's saying,
"I'm saying, right,
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00:01:56,203 --> 00:02:00,213
"Earl and them hit you.
It wasn't me, white man.
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00:02:00,250 --> 00:02:05,080
"Get the fuck out my face with
that bullshit and get them cameras out of here."
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00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:06,995
And this gay stuff
in the military...
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Leave gay people alone.
Let them do their thing, man.
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Fuck that.[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
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Know what I'm saying,
they should be there to fight the war
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just like any
fucking body else.
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It's their thing.
They march and shit.
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00:02:18,964 --> 00:02:20,664
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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00:02:23,621 --> 00:02:26,581
Them good motherfucking
soldiers cause their emotional with...
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00:02:26,624 --> 00:02:27,894
[SCREAMS]
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I bet they coming home party
a motherfucker there...
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00:02:33,936 --> 00:02:34,976
[SCREAMS]
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[LIPS SMACKING]
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00:02:43,380 --> 00:02:46,080
No, I'm just saying.
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00:02:46,122 --> 00:02:48,782
You know a brother that want
to get his dick sucked be at the airport.
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00:02:48,820 --> 00:02:52,910
"Hi, way to go!"
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00:02:52,955 --> 00:02:56,735
Why do gay people
get mad and start picketing me and rioting and shit.
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"Martin you're an asshole,
you're an asshole.
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00:02:59,527 --> 00:03:01,217
"Ban 'em, ban 'em, ban 'em."
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It's just a joke,
gay people!
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00:03:03,139 --> 00:03:05,449
Everybody should
laugh, it's jokes.
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00:03:05,489 --> 00:03:07,269
Them motherfuckers can
shut you down.
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00:03:07,317 --> 00:03:10,707
You know that, aren't they?
They... Gay people...
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00:03:10,755 --> 00:03:13,625
They don't leave.
They just stand outside your motherfucking house.
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00:03:13,671 --> 00:03:15,201
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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Fuck that shit.
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00:03:23,072 --> 00:03:25,422
You guys feel good?AUDIENCE: Yes!
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00:03:25,466 --> 00:03:27,246
You look good.
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00:03:27,294 --> 00:03:29,214
Brothers and sisters...
That's some good looking sisters, man.
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I'd settle down.
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00:03:32,603 --> 00:03:34,693
What you clapping?
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00:03:34,736 --> 00:03:35,866
He ain't got nobody
up in here.
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00:03:40,698 --> 00:03:42,828
You got a job, bro?
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00:03:42,874 --> 00:03:44,274
[SCOFFS]
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00:03:44,311 --> 00:03:45,621
Don't get that look,
motherfucker, like,
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"Oh, man, damn."
You got a job?
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00:03:48,793 --> 00:03:50,533
[MUMBLES] Do you have
a job?
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00:03:50,578 --> 00:03:53,098
What?
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00:03:53,145 --> 00:03:55,835
Fuck that, because I'm trying
to get my brothers some work!
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00:03:55,887 --> 00:03:57,627
What's up? You working?
You got a job?
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00:03:57,672 --> 00:04:00,112
What you do man? Nothing.
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00:04:00,152 --> 00:04:03,502
Just get up,
scratch your balls and eat cornflakes.
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00:04:03,547 --> 00:04:07,157
You walk around
the house, "Fuck that."
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00:04:07,203 --> 00:04:10,163
I bet your ass go to clubs
though, don't you? Like a motherfucker.
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00:04:10,206 --> 00:04:12,766
Don't you hate those
motherfucking security guards at the clubs?
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00:04:12,817 --> 00:04:14,207
Ain't they some assholes man?
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00:04:14,254 --> 00:04:16,524
Make you stand
in line all fucking day.
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00:04:16,560 --> 00:04:18,910
"Now hold on."
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00:04:18,954 --> 00:04:21,524
I be going, "Nigga,
you hold on, motherfucker."
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I ain't talking about
the security around here, because you know.
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I'm just saying,
I ain't talking...
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You got some good security.
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00:04:32,010 --> 00:04:34,190
But just the motherfuckers
that make you stand in line like this
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00:04:34,230 --> 00:04:36,890
and it's fucked up because
you get embarrassed. I hate that shit.
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00:04:36,928 --> 00:04:40,018
Especially me, I'm an
entertainer, so I think I can just walk right in.
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00:04:40,062 --> 00:04:42,282
You know,
that motherfucker stopped me, "Hold on right here."
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I played this shit off.
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"All right well nigger
done told me to meet the motherfucker down here."
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00:04:49,114 --> 00:04:52,344
And they trippin' like
a motherfucker, man.
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Look, it ain't going to be
hogging all this show because this is a comic.
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00:04:56,121 --> 00:04:57,861
We got a whole load of
motherfuckers for you
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00:04:57,906 --> 00:05:00,256
and some funny brothers, yeah.
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00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:02,740
He from Jersey City,
all right?
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00:05:02,780 --> 00:05:04,430
Yeah, so he's your own.
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00:05:04,478 --> 00:05:07,128
Give it up for Ardie Fuqua.
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00:05:15,619 --> 00:05:18,099
What's up? I said what's up?
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00:05:18,143 --> 00:05:20,583
Y'all ought to be fucking
proud, say you're damn right!
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00:05:20,624 --> 00:05:22,764
AUDIENCE: Damn right!Because I'm going
to tell you now,
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00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:24,930
black people, we got to
stick the fuck together, man. I ain't lying.
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00:05:24,976 --> 00:05:26,846
I'm going to tell you now.
Every time black people getting something,
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00:05:26,891 --> 00:05:28,681
white people want
to join our shit.
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00:05:28,719 --> 00:05:30,549
You see black people
marching for equal rights.
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00:05:30,591 --> 00:05:32,161
Always want white people
motherfucking marching with us.
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00:05:32,201 --> 00:05:34,421
Talking about,
"End racism now!
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00:05:34,464 --> 00:05:37,954
"End racism now! End racism...
Out of the way, nigger!
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00:05:37,989 --> 00:05:39,339
"End racism now!
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00:05:39,382 --> 00:05:42,432
"Come on, niggers, keep up!
End racism now!"
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00:05:42,472 --> 00:05:44,522
I ain't bullshit...
TV fucking us up too.
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00:05:44,561 --> 00:05:46,221
You watch the soaps nowadays.
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00:05:46,258 --> 00:05:48,298
Nothing but the white people
get motherfucking music.
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00:05:48,348 --> 00:05:50,998
White boy coming out,
"Hello, Rachel,
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00:05:51,046 --> 00:05:52,866
"I am leaving you."
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00:05:52,917 --> 00:05:56,007
[MIMICKS DRAMATIC MUSIC]
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"Well, it doesn't matter,
Bill, because I was fucking Ted anyway."
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00:06:00,098 --> 00:06:03,148
[MIMICKS DRAMATIC MUSIC]
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00:06:03,188 --> 00:06:06,098
See they don't give us black
folks no music because they know we have a party.
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00:06:07,497 --> 00:06:10,887
Black man come in. [EXCLAIMS]
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00:06:10,935 --> 00:06:14,635
"Rosheta!
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00:06:14,678 --> 00:06:19,378
"I'm leaving you.
[BEAT BOXING]
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00:06:23,339 --> 00:06:24,989
"What you gonna say
about that?"
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00:06:25,036 --> 00:06:28,686
"I ain't gonna say nothing.
That's my song."
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00:06:31,216 --> 00:06:33,176
I ain't lying.
I'm going to tell you now.
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00:06:33,218 --> 00:06:35,438
They got some fucked up shows
on nowadays, man.
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00:06:35,482 --> 00:06:37,662
Beverly Hill, 90210.
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00:06:37,701 --> 00:06:40,441
Ain't no black people
on that goddamn show.
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00:06:40,487 --> 00:06:43,007
Put me on that show,
they'd have to change the name.
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00:06:43,054 --> 00:06:45,064
Beverly hills, 911.
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00:06:45,100 --> 00:06:46,100
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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Motherfuckers think I'm lying.
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00:06:52,455 --> 00:06:54,145
We can't do shit.
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00:06:54,196 --> 00:06:55,716
We can't even
have nice builds.
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00:06:55,763 --> 00:06:57,813
We can't be muscular.
I ain't lying.
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00:06:57,852 --> 00:07:01,122
You see that white boy
walking down the street with a nice build.
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00:07:01,159 --> 00:07:04,509
Motherfucker's like,
"Hey, you work out? Good on nutrition?"
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00:07:06,730 --> 00:07:09,470
Let a black man come down
the street with a nice build. Big muscles.
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00:07:09,516 --> 00:07:12,076
First thing motherfucker say,
"Aw, he was locked up."
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00:07:12,127 --> 00:07:13,517
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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00:07:16,653 --> 00:07:19,183
I ain't lying.
Shut the fuck up.
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00:07:19,221 --> 00:07:21,221
And see y'all are
a nice crowd,
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00:07:21,266 --> 00:07:23,786
but you ever go to a comedy
club where you got the motherfucker in the back
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00:07:23,834 --> 00:07:25,234
wanna fuck with the
comedian on stage?
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00:07:25,270 --> 00:07:27,660
It's some fucked up shit, see,
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00:07:27,708 --> 00:07:30,358
I don't play that shit. I'll
fuck with myself and won't let you motherfuckers do it.
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00:07:30,406 --> 00:07:32,666
So check this out, what
I want y'all to do is just imagine
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00:07:32,713 --> 00:07:35,193
there's a comedian
on stage right now.
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00:07:35,237 --> 00:07:37,627
I'm going to walk out there,
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00:07:37,674 --> 00:07:39,554
I'm going to fuck with myself
just for the fuck of it, that all right with y'all?
143
00:07:39,589 --> 00:07:41,589
'Cause we going to do this
shit, check this out.
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00:07:43,288 --> 00:07:45,728
Y'all motherfucker's
'bout to be put on TV.
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00:07:45,769 --> 00:07:48,469
[SHOUTS] Yo! That
motherfucker ain't funny!
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00:07:48,511 --> 00:07:50,211
Y'all want to hear a joke?
147
00:07:50,252 --> 00:07:52,212
Yo my man!
Your mom's so old
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00:07:52,254 --> 00:07:56,564
bitch knew Pizza Hut
when it was a tent."[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
149
00:07:56,606 --> 00:07:59,256
Who fucking with me?
You fucking with me?
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00:07:59,304 --> 00:08:02,134
With that shit around your
head, look like motherfucking McGruff the Crime Dog.
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00:08:04,135 --> 00:08:06,745
That's alright,
that's why your mama's so ugly.
152
00:08:06,790 --> 00:08:08,230
Every time she
go to Taco Bell,
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00:08:08,270 --> 00:08:09,530
niggers run for the border.
154
00:08:09,576 --> 00:08:11,356
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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00:08:13,014 --> 00:08:15,674
It's alright baby,
I got your back, I got your back.
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00:08:15,712 --> 00:08:17,062
Yo, my man!
157
00:08:17,105 --> 00:08:19,665
Your mom's just
like a race car,
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00:08:19,716 --> 00:08:21,586
bitch burns four
rubbers a night.
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00:08:21,631 --> 00:08:22,631
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
160
00:08:27,028 --> 00:08:28,858
Why you fucking
with me man?
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00:08:28,899 --> 00:08:31,819
Sitting there like
a gay Muslim?
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00:08:31,859 --> 00:08:33,819
[LIPS SMACKING]
Motherfucking talking about, "I don't like pork,
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00:08:33,861 --> 00:08:35,211
"but I'll take some beef."
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00:08:42,391 --> 00:08:45,131
I'm going to tell you
like this, man, we got to stick the fuck together.
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00:08:45,176 --> 00:08:46,396
I'm going to ask the
ladies a question.
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00:08:46,438 --> 00:08:48,308
Ladies, you in
the house tonight?
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00:08:48,353 --> 00:08:50,443
AUDIENCE: Yeah!I'm going to ask y'all
just one question.
168
00:08:50,486 --> 00:08:53,486
Yo, women, do men cheat?AUDIENCE: Yeah!
169
00:08:53,533 --> 00:08:55,193
Now y'all got to yell
that shit out louder than that.
170
00:08:55,230 --> 00:08:56,800
Y'all been through some
pain. Tell the fucking truth.
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00:08:56,840 --> 00:08:59,670
Women, do men cheat?AUDIENCE: Yeah!
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00:08:59,713 --> 00:09:02,373
See I ain't going to
diss my fellows, I'm going to ask you all the same shit.
173
00:09:02,411 --> 00:09:06,811
Yo, fellas, do ladies cheat?[AUDIENCE SHOUTING]
174
00:09:06,850 --> 00:09:09,590
No, see, I'm going to tell
you why I had to ask that question.
175
00:09:09,636 --> 00:09:12,456
My girl going to tell me
last night she was at her friend Sherry's house.
176
00:09:12,508 --> 00:09:14,678
That's a damn lie.
Last night, I was over at Sherry's house.
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00:09:14,728 --> 00:09:15,858
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
178
00:09:15,903 --> 00:09:17,513
Peace!
179
00:09:30,482 --> 00:09:33,622
I don't cheat. I don't cheat.
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00:09:33,660 --> 00:09:35,530
If I'm with you,
I'm with you.
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00:09:37,925 --> 00:09:40,535
All right. I'm not lying.
182
00:09:40,580 --> 00:09:44,930
Coming to the stage
from Los Angeles, California,
183
00:09:44,975 --> 00:09:47,975
this is a woman and
she's coming out here to put her vibe
184
00:09:48,022 --> 00:09:50,722
on and her spam on you crowd
185
00:09:50,764 --> 00:09:52,644
because her things going.
All right?
186
00:09:52,679 --> 00:09:54,159
Give it up for Melanie.
187
00:10:02,427 --> 00:10:05,077
What's up New York?
How y'all doing?
188
00:10:05,126 --> 00:10:09,166
All the ladies in
the house say ho!AUDIENCE: Ho!
189
00:10:09,217 --> 00:10:11,957
Hey, we going to have
us a good time tonight. Shit.
190
00:10:12,002 --> 00:10:15,352
Because the brothers,
the brothers get on my nerves.
191
00:10:15,397 --> 00:10:18,437
Hey. I mean they
can do some stupid shit.
192
00:10:18,487 --> 00:10:21,487
You ever check them out
when they watching sports on TV?
193
00:10:21,533 --> 00:10:27,243
I mean they get all into
the game like... Like they can play.
194
00:10:27,278 --> 00:10:30,978
I mean let somebody like
Jordan or Patrick fuck up a play,
195
00:10:31,021 --> 00:10:36,071
and a brother be like,
"Damn! Damn! If that was me, if that was me."
196
00:10:36,113 --> 00:10:39,123
If that was you,
you'd be sitting on the goddamn bench.
197
00:10:39,160 --> 00:10:40,160
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
198
00:10:42,380 --> 00:10:46,430
I mean that's why your
ass is at home, watching the shit on color TV.
199
00:10:46,471 --> 00:10:48,041
'Cause you can't
play no ball.
200
00:10:48,082 --> 00:10:50,872
And I mean all they
think about is sex. Sex, sex, sex.
201
00:10:50,911 --> 00:10:53,911
We can't even go to
the movies with the brothers no more.
202
00:10:53,957 --> 00:10:56,347
I mean there's so
much sex in movies,
203
00:10:56,394 --> 00:10:59,054
that by the time the movie is
over the brothers are talking that same old drag.
204
00:10:59,093 --> 00:11:04,363
"Well, baby, how come we don't
ever do that what they was doing in the movies?"
205
00:11:04,402 --> 00:11:10,192
I was like, "Well, baby, they
paid her $450,000. Hello?
206
00:11:10,234 --> 00:11:13,324
"To jump up on the
table like that.
207
00:11:13,368 --> 00:11:15,368
"Now exactly how much
money you talking about?"
208
00:11:16,806 --> 00:11:18,766
Hello? Shit.
209
00:11:22,769 --> 00:11:25,289
I mean exactly what you think
you going to get for a Pepsi
210
00:11:25,336 --> 00:11:26,686
and some goddamn popcorn?
211
00:11:28,775 --> 00:11:30,465
Not a goddamn thing, hell.
212
00:11:32,561 --> 00:11:36,481
I mean, and what about
the lines, y'all?
213
00:11:36,521 --> 00:11:39,441
I mean they gonna have
to come up with some better shit than that.
214
00:11:39,481 --> 00:11:42,751
This brother come up to me
talking about, "Hmm.
215
00:11:42,789 --> 00:11:46,309
"I can do things to your
body ain't no man ever done."
216
00:11:46,357 --> 00:11:48,487
I said, "Like what?"
217
00:11:48,533 --> 00:11:53,063
"I can make you come
with my finger."
218
00:11:53,103 --> 00:11:55,933
I said,
"Well shit, I can do that."
219
00:11:55,976 --> 00:11:56,976
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
220
00:12:00,328 --> 00:12:02,498
You single ladies know what
I'm talking about, shit.
221
00:12:04,811 --> 00:12:07,251
'Cause when you ain't
got a man, you got a hand.
222
00:12:14,211 --> 00:12:19,001
Least that's what somebody
told me, you know.
223
00:12:19,042 --> 00:12:22,832
I ain't tried that shit for
myself or nothing, you know.
224
00:12:22,872 --> 00:12:25,312
And then this other brother,
he got his line too, right?
225
00:12:25,353 --> 00:12:26,793
Come to me,
talking about, "Hmm.
226
00:12:26,833 --> 00:12:29,103
"You look good enough to eat.
227
00:12:29,139 --> 00:12:32,099
"I could just lick you all
over. Have you ever been sucked from head to toe?"
228
00:12:32,142 --> 00:12:36,322
I was like, "No, but let's
go. I'd like to try some shit like that." Right?
229
00:12:36,364 --> 00:12:39,894
I mean,
baby had it going on. Making me feel, oh, so good.
230
00:12:39,933 --> 00:12:42,633
I mean just when I reached
my ultimate, he rolls over talking about,
231
00:12:42,674 --> 00:12:45,424
"Now do me."
232
00:12:45,460 --> 00:12:48,120
"Do you what?
233
00:12:48,158 --> 00:12:50,678
"I didn't say I was
doing a damn thing."
234
00:12:54,164 --> 00:12:56,084
[EXCLAIMS]
235
00:12:56,123 --> 00:13:00,043
Shit, I'm here for the ride.
236
00:13:00,083 --> 00:13:03,433
Shit. I remember the first
time my old man come asking me some shit like that.
237
00:13:04,392 --> 00:13:06,832
To give him some head.
238
00:13:06,873 --> 00:13:08,573
Tore that shit up.
239
00:13:12,443 --> 00:13:16,753
Hello. Left teeth marks all
over that motherfucker.
240
00:13:16,796 --> 00:13:18,836
Hello. Shit.
241
00:13:18,885 --> 00:13:21,095
Broke a little skin.
242
00:13:21,148 --> 00:13:24,668
That's one question he won't
be asking Melanie again.
243
00:13:24,716 --> 00:13:26,366
Oh, yeah, that's what you
got to do girls.
244
00:13:26,414 --> 00:13:28,504
Play that shit off like you
know what you're doing
245
00:13:28,546 --> 00:13:30,456
and... [EXCLAIMS]
246
00:13:35,597 --> 00:13:39,857
Hey! Shit, that's what I'm
talking about, ladies. Shit.
247
00:13:42,647 --> 00:13:46,867
I mean, this one brother came
to me after the show, I mean pissed off.
248
00:13:46,913 --> 00:13:49,093
Talking about, "Shit,
249
00:13:49,132 --> 00:13:50,742
"a woman do some shit like
that to me I'd knock her teeth out her mouth."
250
00:13:52,179 --> 00:13:54,439
Now that was a dumb brother.
251
00:13:54,485 --> 00:13:57,175
See, 'cause a smart brother
know that last thing you want to do to a woman
252
00:13:57,227 --> 00:14:00,837
when she got your shit in
her mouth is hit her.
253
00:14:02,493 --> 00:14:04,373
Because what's going to be
her first reaction?
254
00:14:07,542 --> 00:14:10,332
Now I betcha, I can go
anywhere in New York and get me some more teeth.
255
00:14:18,988 --> 00:14:20,858
Where in the hell you going
to find another dick at?
256
00:14:22,687 --> 00:14:24,727
'Cause there ain't no store.
257
00:14:24,776 --> 00:14:27,686
'Cause if it was there'd be
a gang of women lined outside that sucker.
258
00:14:28,998 --> 00:14:31,128
And I'd be in front.
259
00:14:31,174 --> 00:14:33,354
"Wait a minute. Hold up.
260
00:14:33,394 --> 00:14:35,834
"You mean I can get the dick
without the ignorant motherfucker attached?
261
00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:39,395
"Well, hell,
I'll take two." Shit.
262
00:14:39,443 --> 00:14:41,663
I mean, the ugly brothers
get on my nerves too.
263
00:14:41,706 --> 00:14:43,836
'Cause they think, they got
it going on and shit.
264
00:14:43,883 --> 00:14:46,933
Got on a nice suit and shit,
you know, money in they pockets.
265
00:14:46,973 --> 00:14:48,283
That the shit going
to automatic.
266
00:14:48,322 --> 00:14:50,152
This brother come to me
talking about,
267
00:14:50,193 --> 00:14:52,463
"So when me and you going
get together?"
268
00:14:52,500 --> 00:14:53,940
I said, "When there
ain't no more men,
269
00:14:56,069 --> 00:15:00,289
"no more batteries,
and both my hands is cut off.
270
00:15:02,510 --> 00:15:04,730
"When I'm desperate,
God damn it."
271
00:15:04,773 --> 00:15:07,213
You guys have been great.
I'm Melanie. Thank you!
272
00:15:15,044 --> 00:15:16,834
Melanie.
273
00:15:16,872 --> 00:15:19,832
Go ahead.
Chocolate black woman.
274
00:15:19,875 --> 00:15:23,875
All right. Coming to the stage
from Columbus, Ohio.
275
00:15:23,923 --> 00:15:28,323
Owns the Comedy Stop Club,
please welcome Andrew Ford.
276
00:15:48,512 --> 00:15:50,822
What's up New York City?
277
00:15:53,343 --> 00:15:56,043
So happy to be here.
278
00:15:56,085 --> 00:15:59,515
People always come out and say
"Give it up for these ladies."
279
00:15:59,567 --> 00:16:01,217
Ladies? Give it up
for these men!
280
00:16:06,095 --> 00:16:09,525
There are just so many
good looking men in here!
281
00:16:09,577 --> 00:16:11,007
Whoo!
282
00:16:11,057 --> 00:16:14,497
Like this big field
hand right here. God!
283
00:16:14,538 --> 00:16:19,458
He looks good! Oh, man.
284
00:16:19,500 --> 00:16:22,980
Well, if you haven't noticed
by now, I am a homosexual. I'm out of the closet.
285
00:16:24,244 --> 00:16:26,384
Give me some
applause for that. Damn it.
286
00:16:29,727 --> 00:16:31,687
God damn applause for that.
287
00:16:31,729 --> 00:16:34,649
All these good looking
men in here.
288
00:16:34,689 --> 00:16:38,169
Like I said, I'm a homosexual,
but I am still six three, two hundred fifty pounds.
289
00:16:38,214 --> 00:16:41,094
Don't start no shit.
290
00:16:41,130 --> 00:16:44,610
Because I'll kick your ass
and then I'll fuck it.
291
00:16:48,137 --> 00:16:51,267
Like it and shit, shit, shit.
292
00:16:55,014 --> 00:16:56,024
[CHUCKLES]
293
00:16:57,668 --> 00:16:59,928
No. I'm just fucking
with y'all.
294
00:16:59,975 --> 00:17:01,015
I ain't gay, man.
295
00:17:06,286 --> 00:17:09,246
I ain't gay.
296
00:17:09,289 --> 00:17:10,639
Y'all looking at me like...
297
00:17:13,162 --> 00:17:16,342
Everybody was doing it,
except for this dude right here. He was like.
298
00:17:25,044 --> 00:17:26,874
[LAUGHING]
299
00:17:26,915 --> 00:17:31,305
Are there any gay people
here by round of applause? Any gay people?
300
00:17:31,354 --> 00:17:33,534
I'm just
wondering, man, because
301
00:17:33,574 --> 00:17:35,534
I just don't understand why...
I ain't got nothing against gay people,
302
00:17:35,576 --> 00:17:37,576
I just don't understand.
What makes a brother gay?
303
00:17:37,621 --> 00:17:39,191
Why would a brother want to
be gay? You know?
304
00:17:39,232 --> 00:17:43,242
I just can't imagine two big
old grown ass men
305
00:17:43,279 --> 00:17:46,669
laying in their bed,
306
00:17:46,717 --> 00:17:50,937
talking about,
"I love you so much.
307
00:17:50,982 --> 00:17:53,552
"Don't nobody make
me feel like you.
308
00:17:55,509 --> 00:17:59,509
"I thought about
you all day long."
309
00:17:59,556 --> 00:18:03,336
Big old ass you motherfuckers
laying in the bed.
310
00:18:03,386 --> 00:18:05,736
All these good looking
women out here.
311
00:18:05,780 --> 00:18:08,090
Look at all these women,
they need a man. Look at all these good looking women.
312
00:18:08,130 --> 00:18:11,180
And women don't
want much. All they want is a man to marry them, you know.
313
00:18:11,220 --> 00:18:12,700
You ain't even got
to live with them.
314
00:18:12,743 --> 00:18:15,093
Just drive by the house and
wave every now and then.
315
00:18:16,138 --> 00:18:19,188
Beep! Beep! "What up, baby?"
316
00:18:19,228 --> 00:18:22,358
Come by and cut the
grass when it's high.
317
00:18:22,405 --> 00:18:25,365
That's all women want
you to do, man.
318
00:18:25,408 --> 00:18:30,148
I'm meaning my sisters, now
I like sisters. Good sisters.
319
00:18:30,196 --> 00:18:31,146
I like that.
320
00:18:32,589 --> 00:18:34,069
No bullshit.
321
00:18:34,113 --> 00:18:36,073
Love that.
322
00:18:36,115 --> 00:18:39,205
Women look good than
a motherfucker man. Good looking women.
323
00:18:39,248 --> 00:18:40,858
How many of y'all like
Luther Vandross?
324
00:18:45,124 --> 00:18:47,604
Lost a whole lot of weight
and stuff, man.
325
00:18:47,648 --> 00:18:49,998
Women just go crazy at
Luther Vandross concerts.
326
00:18:50,041 --> 00:18:52,001
I went to one of Luther
Vandross concerts, man,
327
00:18:52,043 --> 00:18:55,223
and the brother didn't
do nothing. And the women were like... [SCREAMING]
328
00:18:55,264 --> 00:18:58,404
No bullshit. Man, Luther
didn't do nothing but come on stage like this here.
329
00:19:06,493 --> 00:19:07,493
[EXCLAIMS]
330
00:19:14,675 --> 00:19:17,935
Hey, my name is Andrew Ford
from the Comedy Star.
331
00:19:31,561 --> 00:19:33,431
AUDIENCE: [CHANTING]
Jump on it!
332
00:19:47,011 --> 00:19:48,671
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
333
00:19:51,407 --> 00:19:52,887
That's right.
I can still dance.
334
00:19:54,758 --> 00:19:57,458
All right, uh,
coming to the stage, this is a brother
335
00:19:57,500 --> 00:20:00,630
when I saw him on Def...
When he was on Def Comedy Jam
336
00:20:00,677 --> 00:20:02,507
last time,
one of them brothers
337
00:20:02,549 --> 00:20:04,029
that you know has been around.
338
00:20:04,072 --> 00:20:06,472
Give it up for my man
downtown, Tony Brown.
339
00:20:14,387 --> 00:20:16,557
How you doing?
340
00:20:16,606 --> 00:20:20,176
How you doing? All right.
Good looking audience tonight.
341
00:20:20,219 --> 00:20:21,789
Lot of pretty ladies.
342
00:20:21,829 --> 00:20:23,439
Fellas, how about a hand for
the ladies real quick?
343
00:20:24,179 --> 00:20:26,829
Come on, guys.
344
00:20:26,877 --> 00:20:31,097
God damn y'all going to
clap like that shit, how many of you like women?
345
00:20:31,142 --> 00:20:33,492
Hey, a lot of motherfuckers
don't like women man.
346
00:20:33,536 --> 00:20:37,186
I tell you, it's hard
nowadays to hold on to these women, man.
347
00:20:37,236 --> 00:20:39,716
Oh, yeah,
cause they got jobs and shit.
348
00:20:39,760 --> 00:20:42,590
They got jobs and swear to
God they don't need a man.
349
00:20:42,632 --> 00:20:45,902
You see them on TV
all the time, "I don't need no man. I got me a job."
350
00:20:45,940 --> 00:20:49,680
And she's content to lay there
in the bed buck naked with check stubs everywhere.
351
00:20:51,075 --> 00:20:53,855
That's right, everywhere, man.
352
00:20:53,904 --> 00:20:57,344
If you got one, hold onto
her. You don't want to be single today.
353
00:20:57,386 --> 00:21:00,346
Oh, yeah. I say, fuck it.
I went and got married.
354
00:21:00,389 --> 00:21:02,829
I got tired of playing
craps with my nuts.
355
00:21:02,870 --> 00:21:06,400
Oh, yeah, you can
only hit seven so many times God damn it.
356
00:21:06,439 --> 00:21:09,529
Fuck around there in
the snake eyes, you is a dead motherfucker.
357
00:21:10,486 --> 00:21:12,306
Whoa, God damn.
358
00:21:12,358 --> 00:21:14,358
But hang in there, man.
359
00:21:14,403 --> 00:21:16,803
But first of all,
you got to remember nobody's perfect.
360
00:21:16,840 --> 00:21:19,230
If you can remember that,
you can keep your marriage together.
361
00:21:19,278 --> 00:21:21,408
That's right.
362
00:21:21,454 --> 00:21:23,504
Nobody's perfect.
If there ever a day come when we have perfect people,
363
00:21:23,543 --> 00:21:25,723
we'll be buying
them at the store then.
364
00:21:25,762 --> 00:21:28,242
That's right. You can run out
to the mall and buy you a motherfucker.
365
00:21:28,287 --> 00:21:30,327
You might want two of them.
Shit, who knows?
366
00:21:30,376 --> 00:21:33,156
But I figure that'd
make life real easy for us fellas again.
367
00:21:33,204 --> 00:21:35,384
You have a problem
with your women, there ain't no sense in arguing,
368
00:21:35,424 --> 00:21:36,954
fuck that argument.
369
00:21:36,991 --> 00:21:39,431
Find your receipt,
take her ass back to the store.
370
00:21:39,472 --> 00:21:41,172
That's right.
Take her ass right in there.
371
00:21:41,212 --> 00:21:44,742
Say, "Excuse me.
But my bitch is broke.
372
00:21:46,870 --> 00:21:49,090
"She's talking
back and everything.
373
00:21:49,133 --> 00:21:51,533
"I... I took the batteries
out but she's still talking, God damn it."
374
00:21:53,703 --> 00:21:57,933
And vice versa ladies,
you can take the guys back too now.
375
00:21:57,968 --> 00:22:00,448
But knowing how
vindictive women can be.
376
00:22:00,493 --> 00:22:02,283
Here's a poor guy,
sitting here broke like a motherfucker.
377
00:22:02,321 --> 00:22:05,801
Head keep coming off.
Got two left feet.
378
00:22:05,846 --> 00:22:09,416
All's you got to do is gather
his ass up, take him back to the dealer and get him fixed.
379
00:22:09,458 --> 00:22:14,118
She tell the girlfriend, "For
the amount of money it costs, I'm going to buy another one."
380
00:22:14,158 --> 00:22:17,728
Street be just like
they are now, full of broke ass men.
381
00:22:17,771 --> 00:22:20,951
That's right. That's right and
there's some broke motherfuckers out there too.
382
00:22:20,991 --> 00:22:23,251
You can't go nowhere without
a motherfucker running up,
383
00:22:23,298 --> 00:22:25,168
talking about
he needs some change.
384
00:22:25,213 --> 00:22:27,433
Oh, yeah, motherfucker
come up and ask me,
385
00:22:27,476 --> 00:22:29,996
"Hey, my man,
you got some change?"
386
00:22:30,044 --> 00:22:34,484
I looked at him,
I said, "Yeah."
387
00:22:34,527 --> 00:22:37,657
Went the fuck on about
my business, man. I...
388
00:22:37,704 --> 00:22:39,454
I didn't know what he wanted.
389
00:22:39,488 --> 00:22:42,318
I thought he was awfully
goddamn nosy.
390
00:22:42,361 --> 00:22:45,411
He asked me what the
fuck I got in my pocket.
391
00:22:45,451 --> 00:22:47,411
And then they have
some serious,
392
00:22:47,453 --> 00:22:50,463
they have some serious
fucking lines for your ass too.
393
00:22:50,499 --> 00:22:53,149
After you done told them,
"Get the fuck away from me."
394
00:22:53,197 --> 00:22:56,287
They say,
"God bless you."
395
00:22:56,331 --> 00:22:58,681
Now you got to worry
about that shit all day.
396
00:23:00,030 --> 00:23:01,860
Aw fuck, God, man.
397
00:23:03,730 --> 00:23:05,820
Yeah, but I did have a brother
tell me this, though.
398
00:23:05,862 --> 00:23:07,342
He come to me and say, uh,
399
00:23:07,386 --> 00:23:09,516
"Hey, my man,
help a brother out?"
400
00:23:09,562 --> 00:23:12,222
When he said "Help a brother
out," I immediately paid attention to him.
401
00:23:12,260 --> 00:23:14,220
I said, "Help you out,
what's up, man?"
402
00:23:14,262 --> 00:23:17,352
He said, "I haven't
eaten in two days and I need 50 cents."
403
00:23:19,920 --> 00:23:21,790
So help me God,
it touched my heart, you know, I said,
404
00:23:21,835 --> 00:23:25,665
"Damn. Haven't
eaten in two days? Fifty cents?"
405
00:23:25,708 --> 00:23:29,018
So I... I went in my pocket
to retrieve the 50 cents,
406
00:23:29,059 --> 00:23:31,669
and I thought about
it and said, "50 cents?
407
00:23:31,714 --> 00:23:34,804
"Well, shit you ain't
going to eat nothing today motherfucker."
408
00:23:37,807 --> 00:23:41,717
"What are you going to eat?
Bubbilicious? Who the fuck is this?
409
00:23:41,768 --> 00:23:44,638
"Goddamn boy and burnt
me the fuck up."
410
00:23:44,684 --> 00:23:46,384
Then you got people out here
who will work for food.
411
00:23:46,425 --> 00:23:49,075
Now, okay, got a sign say,
"He will work for food."
412
00:23:49,123 --> 00:23:50,863
I'm thinking,
"Well, goddman,
413
00:23:50,907 --> 00:23:52,817
"begging for change,
414
00:23:52,866 --> 00:23:55,696
"only thing worse than that
is a motherfucker that will work for food.
415
00:23:55,738 --> 00:23:57,218
"So what's the next step?"
416
00:23:57,261 --> 00:23:59,391
I guess we have people
with sign, say,
417
00:23:59,438 --> 00:24:01,308
"Hell, I'll do any
motherfucking thing for any motherfucking thing."
418
00:24:03,659 --> 00:24:05,969
But if you go and buy a car
folks, if you go and buy a car,
419
00:24:06,009 --> 00:24:08,619
help us in Detroit, buy an
American car, please.
420
00:24:08,664 --> 00:24:11,104
That's just so serious.
You have no idea.
421
00:24:11,145 --> 00:24:13,225
And me myself,
I ain't going to lie to you now.
422
00:24:13,277 --> 00:24:15,107
I was forced to
buy a foreign car.
423
00:24:15,149 --> 00:24:18,069
Yes, I was.
Hey, I ain't bullshitting you. I was broke.
424
00:24:18,108 --> 00:24:22,498
So I traded a pair of pump
gym shoes for a Yugo.
425
00:24:22,548 --> 00:24:26,508
At the time I thought it was
a good deal, but I'd rather have my gym shoes back, see?
426
00:24:26,552 --> 00:24:28,162
'Cause a Yugo
is a good car
427
00:24:28,205 --> 00:24:30,725
if you ain't particular
about which way you going.
428
00:24:30,773 --> 00:24:32,913
Yeah, see 'cause you can
be traveling north on the freeway,
429
00:24:32,949 --> 00:24:35,299
burst of wind,
you heading south.
430
00:24:35,343 --> 00:24:37,083
That's right.
431
00:24:37,127 --> 00:24:40,567
Little kids, little kids have
no respect whatsoever.
432
00:24:40,609 --> 00:24:43,389
Shit, I think I run over a
kid every day, man.
433
00:24:43,438 --> 00:24:45,478
Don't do nothing but
knock the wind out of them.
434
00:24:45,527 --> 00:24:47,527
That's right, two, three
minutes, shit, I got to hit him again.
435
00:24:47,573 --> 00:24:49,583
He done got back
on the street.
436
00:24:49,618 --> 00:24:52,008
Then I had the most
frightening experience.
437
00:24:52,055 --> 00:24:54,355
I'm going out one day. Man, it
was colder than a motherfucker that day, you know?
438
00:24:54,405 --> 00:24:58,015
I said, "Well if I'm going
anywhere, I better warn this little shit up."
439
00:24:58,061 --> 00:25:01,541
So I'm sitting there with
the car running, it take off by itself.
440
00:25:01,587 --> 00:25:04,587
I said, "Oh, God damn,
what's wrong with this motherfucker?"
441
00:25:04,633 --> 00:25:07,113
I'm up on the sidewalk,
down in the street,
442
00:25:07,157 --> 00:25:10,287
I'm standing up on the brake.
"Lord, stop this motherfucker, please!"
443
00:25:10,334 --> 00:25:12,864
It turned the corner,
down the alley like a bat out of hell.
444
00:25:12,902 --> 00:25:14,862
I'm "Lord, please stop
the damn car."
445
00:25:14,904 --> 00:25:17,784
It turned the corner again,
up on the sidewalk, back in the street,
446
00:25:17,820 --> 00:25:20,260
it get in front of my house
and I jam on the brakes.
447
00:25:20,301 --> 00:25:22,041
I jump out,
I'm shaking like a leaf.
448
00:25:22,085 --> 00:25:24,865
What the hell wrong with
this piece of ass car?
449
00:25:24,914 --> 00:25:26,614
Then I happen to look
on the sidewalk
450
00:25:26,655 --> 00:25:29,785
and there was a little boy
with a fucking remote control.
451
00:25:29,832 --> 00:25:31,792
Thank you very much
folks! Thank you!
452
00:25:31,834 --> 00:25:33,844
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
453
00:25:42,584 --> 00:25:44,194
Give it up.
Tony brown!
454
00:25:45,674 --> 00:25:48,164
Bring my man up,
come on up, Russell.
455
00:25:48,198 --> 00:25:49,198
Say goodnight.
456
00:25:50,723 --> 00:25:52,863
Russel, express yourself
to the people, Russ.
457
00:25:53,987 --> 00:25:55,377
Good night. God bless you.
458
00:25:55,427 --> 00:25:59,977
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