Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

KID CAPRI: It's the Russel Simmons'Def Comedy Jam!

Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for

my main man, Mr. Martin Lawrence!

Yeah!

What's up?

Give up for my man, Kid Capri.

What's up man?

What's up?How you doing?

KID CAPRI: I'm chillin'.You been being nice to the people man?

Has Kid Capri been nice to you?AUDIENCE: Yeah.

Because you know, his success he might have changed a little bit.

Yo, y'all seen the show on...

The show on HBO where you confront your killer?

Anybody see that shit?AUDIENCE: Yeah.

Or you confront the person who tried to kill you?

HBO... Only white people can do that shit.

What... What the fuck you all be thinking about man?

White people..."I want to know why you,

"you fucking hit me?

"I gave you the money, all you had to do was leave.

"Why did you fucking keep hitting me?"

You know a black man ain't never gonna admit this shit.

He's saying, "I'm saying, right,

"Earl and them hit you. It wasn't me, white man.

"Get the fuck out my face with that bullshit and get them cameras out of here."

And this gay stuff in the military...

Leave gay people alone. Let them do their thing, man.

Fuck that.[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Know what I'm saying, they should be there to fight the war

just like any fucking body else.

It's their thing. They march and shit.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Them good motherfucking soldiers cause their emotional with...

[SCREAMS]

I bet they coming home party a motherfucker there...

[SCREAMS]

[LIPS SMACKING]

No, I'm just saying.

You know a brother that want to get his dick sucked be at the airport.

"Hi, way to go!"

Why do gay people get mad and start picketing me and rioting and shit.

"Martin you're an asshole, you're an asshole.

"Ban 'em, ban 'em, ban 'em."

It's just a joke, gay people!

Everybody should laugh, it's jokes.

Them motherfuckers can shut you down.

You know that, aren't they? They... Gay people...

They don't leave. They just stand outside your motherfucking house.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Fuck that shit.

You guys feel good?AUDIENCE: Yes!

You look good.

Brothers and sisters... That's some good looking sisters, man.

I'd settle down.

What you clapping?

He ain't got nobody up in here.

You got a job, bro?

[SCOFFS]

Don't get that look, motherfucker, like,

"Oh, man, damn." You got a job?

[MUMBLES] Do you have a job?

What?

Fuck that, because I'm trying to get my brothers some work!

What's up? You working? You got a job?

What you do man? Nothing.

Just get up, scratch your balls and eat cornflakes.

You walk around the house, "Fuck that."

I bet your ass go to clubs though, don't you? Like a motherfucker.

Don't you hate those motherfucking security guards at the clubs?

Ain't they some assholes man?

Make you stand in line all fucking day.

"Now hold on."

I be going, "Nigga, you hold on, motherfucker."

I ain't talking about the security around here, because you know.

I'm just saying, I ain't talking...

You got some good security.

But just the motherfuckers that make you stand in line like this

and it's fucked up because you get embarrassed. I hate that shit.

Especially me, I'm an entertainer, so I think I can just walk right in.

You know, that motherfucker stopped me, "Hold on right here."

I played this shit off.

"All right well nigger done told me to meet the motherfucker down here."

And they trippin' like a motherfucker, man.

Look, it ain't going to be hogging all this show because this is a comic.

We got a whole load of motherfuckers for you

and some funny brothers, yeah.

He from Jersey City, all right?

Yeah, so he's your own.

Give it up for Ardie Fuqua.

What's up? I said what's up?

Y'all ought to be fucking proud, say you're damn right!

AUDIENCE: Damn right!Because I'm going to tell you now,

black people, we got to stick the fuck together, man. I ain't lying.

I'm going to tell you now. Every time black people getting something,

white people want to join our shit.

You see black people marching for equal rights.

Always want white people motherfucking marching with us.

Talking about, "End racism now!

"End racism now! End racism... Out of the way, nigger!

"End racism now!

"Come on, niggers, keep up! End racism now!"

I ain't bullshit... TV fucking us up too.

You watch the soaps nowadays.

Nothing but the white people get motherfucking music.

White boy coming out, "Hello, Rachel,

"I am leaving you."

[MIMICKS DRAMATIC MUSIC]

"Well, it doesn't matter, Bill, because I was fucking Ted anyway."

[MIMICKS DRAMATIC MUSIC]

See they don't give us black folks no music because they know we have a party.

Black man come in. [EXCLAIMS]

"Rosheta!

"I'm leaving you. [BEAT BOXING]

"What you gonna say about that?"

"I ain't gonna say nothing. That's my song."

I ain't lying. I'm going to tell you now.

They got some fucked up shows on nowadays, man.

Beverly Hill, 90210.

Ain't no black people on that goddamn show.

Put me on that show, they'd have to change the name.

Beverly hills, 911.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Motherfuckers think I'm lying.

We can't do shit.

We can't even have nice builds.

We can't be muscular. I ain't lying.

You see that white boy walking down the street with a nice build.

Motherfucker's like, "Hey, you work out? Good on nutrition?"

Let a black man come down the street with a nice build. Big muscles.

First thing motherfucker say, "Aw, he was locked up."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I ain't lying. Shut the fuck up.

And see y'all are a nice crowd,

but you ever go to a comedy club where you got the motherfucker in the back

wanna fuck with the comedian on stage?

It's some fucked up shit, see,

I don't play that shit. I'll fuck with myself and won't let you motherfuckers do it.

So check this out, what I want y'all to do is just imagine

there's a comedian on stage right now.

I'm going to walk out there,

I'm going to fuck with myself just for the fuck of it, that all right with y'all?

'Cause we going to do this shit, check this out.

Y'all motherfucker's 'bout to be put on TV.

[SHOUTS] Yo! That motherfucker ain't funny!

Y'all want to hear a joke?

Yo my man! Your mom's so old

bitch knew Pizza Hut when it was a tent."[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Who fucking with me? You fucking with me?

With that shit around your head, look like motherfucking McGruff the Crime Dog.

That's alright, that's why your mama's so ugly.

Every time she go to Taco Bell,

niggers run for the border.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

It's alright baby, I got your back, I got your back.

Yo, my man!

Your mom's just like a race car,

bitch burns four rubbers a night.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Why you fucking with me man?

Sitting there like a gay Muslim?

[LIPS SMACKING] Motherfucking talking about, "I don't like pork,

"but I'll take some beef."

I'm going to tell you like this, man, we got to stick the fuck together.

I'm going to ask the ladies a question.

Ladies, you in the house tonight?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!I'm going to ask y'all just one question.

Yo, women, do men cheat?AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Now y'all got to yell that shit out louder than that.

Y'all been through some pain. Tell the fucking truth.

Women, do men cheat?AUDIENCE: Yeah!

See I ain't going to diss my fellows, I'm going to ask you all the same shit.

Yo, fellas, do ladies cheat?[AUDIENCE SHOUTING]

No, see, I'm going to tell you why I had to ask that question.

My girl going to tell me last night she was at her friend Sherry's house.

That's a damn lie. Last night, I was over at Sherry's house.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Peace!

I don't cheat. I don't cheat.

If I'm with you, I'm with you.

All right. I'm not lying.

Coming to the stage from Los Angeles, California,

this is a woman and she's coming out here to put her vibe

on and her spam on you crowd

because her things going. All right?

Give it up for Melanie.

What's up New York? How y'all doing?

All the ladies in the house say ho!AUDIENCE: Ho!

Hey, we going to have us a good time tonight. Shit.

Because the brothers, the brothers get on my nerves.

Hey. I mean they can do some stupid shit.

You ever check them out when they watching sports on TV?

I mean they get all into the game like... Like they can play.

I mean let somebody like Jordan or Patrick fuck up a play,

and a brother be like, "Damn! Damn! If that was me, if that was me."

If that was you, you'd be sitting on the goddamn bench.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I mean that's why your ass is at home, watching the shit on color TV.

'Cause you can't play no ball.

And I mean all they think about is sex. Sex, sex, sex.

We can't even go to the movies with the brothers no more.

I mean there's so much sex in movies,

that by the time the movie is over the brothers are talking that same old drag.

"Well, baby, how come we don't ever do that what they was doing in the movies?"

I was like, "Well, baby, they paid her $450,000. Hello?

"To jump up on the table like that.

"Now exactly how much money you talking about?"

Hello? Shit.

I mean exactly what you think you going to get for a Pepsi

and some goddamn popcorn?

Not a goddamn thing, hell.

I mean, and what about the lines, y'all?

I mean they gonna have to come up with some better shit than that.

This brother come up to me talking about, "Hmm.

"I can do things to your body ain't no man ever done."

I said, "Like what?"

"I can make you come with my finger."

I said, "Well shit, I can do that."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You single ladies know what I'm talking about, shit.

'Cause when you ain't got a man, you got a hand.

Least that's what somebody told me, you know.

I ain't tried that shit for myself or nothing, you know.

And then this other brother, he got his line too, right?

Come to me, talking about, "Hmm.

"You look good enough to eat.

"I could just lick you all over. Have you ever been sucked from head to toe?"

I was like, "No, but let's go. I'd like to try some shit like that." Right?

I mean, baby had it going on. Making me feel, oh, so good.

I mean just when I reached my ultimate, he rolls over talking about,

"Now do me."

"Do you what?

"I didn't say I was doing a damn thing."

[EXCLAIMS]

Shit, I'm here for the ride.

Shit. I remember the first time my old man come asking me some shit like that.

To give him some head.

Tore that shit up.

Hello. Left teeth marks all over that motherfucker.

Hello. Shit.

Broke a little skin.

That's one question he won't be asking Melanie again.

Oh, yeah, that's what you got to do girls.

Play that shit off like you know what you're doing

and... [EXCLAIMS]

Hey! Shit, that's what I'm talking about, ladies. Shit.

I mean, this one brother came to me after the show, I mean pissed off.

Talking about, "Shit,

"a woman do some shit like that to me I'd knock her teeth out her mouth."

Now that was a dumb brother.

See, 'cause a smart brother know that last thing you want to do to a woman

when she got your shit in her mouth is hit her.

Because what's going to be her first reaction?

Now I betcha, I can go anywhere in New York and get me some more teeth.

Where in the hell you going to find another dick at?

'Cause there ain't no store.

'Cause if it was there'd be a gang of women lined outside that sucker.

And I'd be in front.

"Wait a minute. Hold up.

"You mean I can get the dick without the ignorant motherfucker attached?

"Well, hell, I'll take two." Shit.

I mean, the ugly brothers get on my nerves too.

'Cause they think, they got it going on and shit.

Got on a nice suit and shit, you know, money in they pockets.

That the shit going to automatic.

This brother come to me talking about,

"So when me and you going get together?"

I said, "When there ain't no more men,

"no more batteries, and both my hands is cut off.

"When I'm desperate, God damn it."

You guys have been great. I'm Melanie. Thank you!

Melanie.

Go ahead. Chocolate black woman.

All right. Coming to the stage from Columbus, Ohio.

Owns the Comedy Stop Club, please welcome Andrew Ford.

What's up New York City?

So happy to be here.

People always come out and say "Give it up for these ladies."

Ladies? Give it up for these men!

There are just so many good looking men in here!

Whoo!

Like this big field hand right here. God!

He looks good! Oh, man.

Well, if you haven't noticed by now, I am a homosexual. I'm out of the closet.

Give me some applause for that. Damn it.

God damn applause for that.

All these good looking men in here.

Like I said, I'm a homosexual, but I am still six three, two hundred fifty pounds.

Don't start no shit.

Because I'll kick your ass and then I'll fuck it.

Like it and shit, shit, shit.

[CHUCKLES]

No. I'm just fucking with y'all.

I ain't gay, man.

I ain't gay.

Y'all looking at me like...

Everybody was doing it, except for this dude right here. He was like.

[LAUGHING]

Are there any gay people here by round of applause? Any gay people?

I'm just wondering, man, because

I just don't understand why... I ain't got nothing against gay people,

I just don't understand. What makes a brother gay?

Why would a brother want to be gay? You know?

I just can't imagine two big old grown ass men

laying in their bed,

talking about, "I love you so much.

"Don't nobody make me feel like you.

"I thought about you all day long."

Big old ass you motherfuckers laying in the bed.

All these good looking women out here.

Look at all these women, they need a man. Look at all these good looking women.

And women don't want much. All they want is a man to marry them, you know.

You ain't even got to live with them.

Just drive by the house and wave every now and then.

Beep! Beep! "What up, baby?"

Come by and cut the grass when it's high.

That's all women want you to do, man.

I'm meaning my sisters, now I like sisters. Good sisters.

I like that.

No bullshit.

Love that.

Women look good than a motherfucker man. Good looking women.

How many of y'all like Luther Vandross?

Lost a whole lot of weight and stuff, man.

Women just go crazy at Luther Vandross concerts.

I went to one of Luther Vandross concerts, man,

and the brother didn't do nothing. And the women were like... [SCREAMING]

No bullshit. Man, Luther didn't do nothing but come on stage like this here.

[EXCLAIMS]

Hey, my name is Andrew Ford from the Comedy Star.

AUDIENCE: [CHANTING] Jump on it!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

That's right. I can still dance.

All right, uh, coming to the stage, this is a brother

when I saw him on Def... When he was on Def Comedy Jam

last time, one of them brothers

that you know has been around.

Give it up for my man downtown, Tony Brown.

How you doing?

How you doing? All right. Good looking audience tonight.

Lot of pretty ladies.

Fellas, how about a hand for the ladies real quick?

Come on, guys.

God damn y'all going to clap like that shit, how many of you like women?

Hey, a lot of motherfuckers don't like women man.

I tell you, it's hard nowadays to hold on to these women, man.

Oh, yeah, cause they got jobs and shit.

They got jobs and swear to God they don't need a man.

You see them on TV all the time, "I don't need no man. I got me a job."

And she's content to lay there in the bed buck naked with check stubs everywhere.

That's right, everywhere, man.

If you got one, hold onto her. You don't want to be single today.

Oh, yeah. I say, fuck it. I went and got married.

I got tired of playing craps with my nuts.

Oh, yeah, you can only hit seven so many times God damn it.

Fuck around there in the snake eyes, you is a dead motherfucker.

Whoa, God damn.

But hang in there, man.

But first of all, you got to remember nobody's perfect.

If you can remember that, you can keep your marriage together.

That's right.

Nobody's perfect. If there ever a day come when we have perfect people,

we'll be buying them at the store then.

That's right. You can run out to the mall and buy you a motherfucker.

You might want two of them. Shit, who knows?

But I figure that'd make life real easy for us fellas again.

You have a problem with your women, there ain't no sense in arguing,

fuck that argument.

Find your receipt, take her ass back to the store.

That's right. Take her ass right in there.

Say, "Excuse me. But my bitch is broke.

"She's talking back and everything.

"I... I took the batteries out but she's still talking, God damn it."

And vice versa ladies, you can take the guys back too now.

But knowing how vindictive women can be.

Here's a poor guy, sitting here broke like a motherfucker.

Head keep coming off. Got two left feet.

All's you got to do is gather his ass up, take him back to the dealer and get him fixed.

She tell the girlfriend, "For the amount of money it costs, I'm going to buy another one."

Street be just like they are now, full of broke ass men.

That's right. That's right and there's some broke motherfuckers out there too.

You can't go nowhere without a motherfucker running up,

talking about he needs some change.

Oh, yeah, motherfucker come up and ask me,

"Hey, my man, you got some change?"

I looked at him, I said, "Yeah."

Went the fuck on about my business, man. I...

I didn't know what he wanted.

I thought he was awfully goddamn nosy.

He asked me what the fuck I got in my pocket.

And then they have some serious,

they have some serious fucking lines for your ass too.

After you done told them, "Get the fuck away from me."

They say, "God bless you."

Now you got to worry about that shit all day.

Aw fuck, God, man.

Yeah, but I did have a brother tell me this, though.

He come to me and say, uh,

"Hey, my man, help a brother out?"

When he said "Help a brother out," I immediately paid attention to him.

I said, "Help you out, what's up, man?"

He said, "I haven't eaten in two days and I need 50 cents."

So help me God, it touched my heart, you know, I said,

"Damn. Haven't eaten in two days? Fifty cents?"

So I... I went in my pocket to retrieve the 50 cents,

and I thought about it and said, "50 cents?

"Well, shit you ain't going to eat nothing today motherfucker."

"What are you going to eat? Bubbilicious? Who the fuck is this?

"Goddamn boy and burnt me the fuck up."

Then you got people out here who will work for food.

Now, okay, got a sign say, "He will work for food."

I'm thinking, "Well, goddman,

"begging for change,

"only thing worse than that is a motherfucker that will work for food.

"So what's the next step?"

I guess we have people with sign, say,

"Hell, I'll do any motherfucking thing for any motherfucking thing."

But if you go and buy a car folks, if you go and buy a car,

help us in Detroit, buy an American car, please.

That's just so serious. You have no idea.

And me myself, I ain't going to lie to you now.

I was forced to buy a foreign car.

Yes, I was. Hey, I ain't bullshitting you. I was broke.

So I traded a pair of pump gym shoes for a Yugo.

At the time I thought it was a good deal, but I'd rather have my gym shoes back, see?

'Cause a Yugo is a good car

if you ain't particular about which way you going.

Yeah, see 'cause you can be traveling north on the freeway,

burst of wind, you heading south.

That's right.

Little kids, little kids have no respect whatsoever.

Shit, I think I run over a kid every day, man.

Don't do nothing but knock the wind out of them.

That's right, two, three minutes, shit, I got to hit him again.

He done got back on the street.

Then I had the most frightening experience.

I'm going out one day. Man, it was colder than a motherfucker that day, you know?

I said, "Well if I'm going anywhere, I better warn this little shit up."

So I'm sitting there with the car running, it take off by itself.

I said, "Oh, God damn, what's wrong with this motherfucker?"

I'm up on the sidewalk, down in the street,

I'm standing up on the brake. "Lord, stop this motherfucker, please!"

It turned the corner, down the alley like a bat out of hell.

I'm "Lord, please stop the damn car."

It turned the corner again, up on the sidewalk, back in the street,

it get in front of my house and I jam on the brakes.

I jump out, I'm shaking like a leaf.

What the hell wrong with this piece of ass car?

Then I happen to look on the sidewalk

and there was a little boy with a fucking remote control.

Thank you very much folks! Thank you!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Give it up. Tony brown!

Bring my man up, come on up, Russell.

Say goodnight.

Russel, express yourself to the people, Russ.

Good night. God bless you.

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