Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

KID CAPRI: It's the Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.

KID CAPRI: Ladies and gentleman,

put your hands together for my main man,

Mr. Martin Lawrence!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

AUDIENCE: Go Martin! Go Martin! Go Martin!

Go Martin! Go Martin! Go Martin! Go Martin!

Go Martin! Go Martin...

Y'all ain't making me out to be no dancer.

Wassup?AUDIENCE: Wassup?

How my motherfuckers doing?

That's right, you here to have a good time. Y'all feel good?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!'Cause you look good.

You know when you was playing that music, you see how good-looking...

See how black people just go with the flow? They just smooth.

I saw some white people. Y'all fuckin' it up, white lady.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

I saw ya.

Man, get your feet off my stage, man. Nah, I'm fuckin with you, man.

Wassup! Give Kid Capri a round of applause, my man.AUDIENCE: Wassup?

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

You've changed, man.

You got a big head now, Kid Capri.

I don't wanna talk about it.

Motherfuckers getting crazy out here.

Who's the man who killed somebody on the job?

Who's the motherfucker that came back to the job

and killed everybody up in the bitch.

You hear about that, anybody?

AUDIENCE: Yeah.Motherfucker, was it...

Motherfucker came back like this.

[MIMICS GUN SHOTS]

Shit, when you fire a motherfucker, don't let him back in.

I'm serious, man. Ain't...

Fire a motherfucker, ain't do like black people too. Shit.

It's a recession. You can't fire us.

Black people like this, "I'm what? Okay."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

Fuckers are crazy, man.

[CHUCKLES]

And black people, we make excuses when we get fired.

Know we was wrong.

See a white guy get fired... [IN MOCKING TONE] "Well, wait, okay.

"So, okay, the guy says that I'm late, okay.

"But I fucking have excuses and I'm...

"This is bullshit. This is bullshit!

"Fuckin' bullshit!

"Well, I'll have your ass, you can best believe that!

"This shit is going to court!"

Black people don't do that shit.

We're like, "Yeah."

And we make excuses and, "Why you get fired?"

"Well, uh, motherfuckers say that all... All right...

"So, okay, I was late like, for five months, right?

"But I had a motherfuckin' excuse.

"There's a lot of traffic out there. I told the motherfucker,

"'Do you want me to get there safe late?

"'Or do you want me to get there hurt early, motherfucker?'"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Well, we gonna have a line-up today on this motherfuckin' show.

We have a really good line-up.

And I'm happy for some of the brothers that are on here.

Now this first brother coming to the stage,

and y'all keep that energy going 'cause you know what I'm saying?

[STAMMERS] You guys are the ones who make us who we are.

[DRUM BEAT]

See. See. Damn it!

See how Kid Capri knows me. We've been doing this long enough.

[DRUM BEAT]

[DRUM BEAT]

Man, my motherfucker, boy.

All right. [LAUGHS]

Coming to the stage, all right.

This brother making his home here in New York City.

Brother's toured for... With a lot of the music stars and everything.

Give it up for my man, Lenny Vornadoe.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING][MUSIC PLAYING]

Give it up y'all. Martin Lawrence y'all! Give it up!

How's everybody feel?

Actually, I'll tell you guys, I am so damn tired.

Last night, some drunk

naked woman was beating on my door about 5:00.

Shit, I had to wake up and let her out.

You know, I told her...

You know 'cause... You know.

[EXCLAIMS]

Shit's done got out of hand.

I'm riding around New York City the other day,

72-year-old prostitute jumps in the car with me.

Seventy-two-year-old prostitute jumps in the car with me, talkin' about,

"Ain't no shame in my game." I say, "No teeth in your mouth either."

Has shit gotten out of hand or what?

Had a man come up to me the other day and he goes, "Excuse me, sir,

"but can you... Can you spare a dollar so I can get home?"

I said, "A dollar?"

I said, "Is that all you need?"

I said, "It fuckin' sound like walking distance to me."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Shit has gotten out of hand.

But you must ask why and how.

Don't go through life not knowing what's going on.

Nothing but terrible shit. And before we go...

Before we move along, let's have, on the count of three,

a nice "see ya" to Mr. Bush.

One, two, three.

ALL: See ya!

[EXCLAIMS] And wasn't Bush time was all fucked up, wasn't it?

He wait to the end of his term

to send the troops to Somalia to help the starving people.

But what puzzled me about the whole situation

is that they still over there having babies.

Now, I don't know about you people out here,

but if I ain't had nothing to eat in two, three years...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Poontang would be the last thing on my mind.

Shit can get out of hand. Nothing but terrible things in the news.

Nothing in the news but rape, sex, drugs and violence.

I said to myself, "I'm gonna stop reading the sports page altogether."

Shit can get out of hand.

But you must ask why and how.

And I know y'all read about them serial killers that's been sweeping the nation.

Scared me!

I didn't know what a serial killer was.

I didn't eat breakfast for a month.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I didn't. They said, "Lenny, what you want for breakfast?" "Nothing, honey."

But you saw this man Jeffrey Dahmer?

The man chopped up 15 people and ate them.

I think we should send his ass out to California and let Judge Wapner hear his case.

Right? 'Cause you know when you gonna see Judge Wapner,

if you ain't got no estimates and no receipts,

you can kiss your ass goodbye.

[EXCLAIMS]

The man chopped up 15 people.

Chopped 'em up, ate 'em up, pleaded insanity and went to jail.

Mike Tyson ate one person.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

[LAUGHS]

Huh? Huh?

Shit's done got out of hand.

And if that wasn't enough for you in the news,

I got sick of the Amy Fisher story.

You know. I got sick of that.

And I got sick of that Mary Jo Buttafuoco on the news.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You know, with her mouth all twisted to the side, you know.

"And she showed no remorse, Your Honor."

I'm like, "Get the fuck off the news!"

Thank you all, New York. Goodnight. Thank you. Peace.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING][MUSIC PLAYING]

[LAUGHS]

All right. Coming to the stage, this is my man...

Uh, in the first couple of years of In Living Color,

he was a writer on there. I mean, you name it, he's done all the comedy specials.

Give it up for my man, Warren Thomas.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING][MUSIC PLAYING]

Martin Lawrence, give it up for Martin Lawrence, ladies and gentleman.

Doing a good job for y'all. What's up?

I am thrilled to be here.

You know, you ever go out with your ex? You ever go out with you ex?

That's a good situation.

'Cause you got nothin' to lose. They already know you're a fuck-up, right?

You go out, you don't have to have money or nothing.

Sit around, don't shower, don't shave.

"Yeah, you got any money?" "Uh-uh."

"Oh, same motherfucker, that's why I dropped you in the first place."

'Cause you go out with somebody new,

you gotta front it off like you all cool and shit.

Gotta be acting all polite.

[IN DEEP VOICE] "Let me get that door, let me do this for you.

"Hey, Prince... Hey, nice hairstyle, is that a new dress?

"I love your perfume." [EXCLAIMS]

Like, "Who is this motherfucker. I don't know him."

'Cause I'm on a date, and I said, "What would you like to have?"

She said, "Well, I guess I'll have some steak and lobster

"and a little bit of champagne, if it's imported."

I said, "Guess again. [EXCLAIMS] Wrong answer.

"The password's combo plate.

"Combo plate."

Ban gays in the military. You can't ban gays in the military.

They always been there, always will be.

I don't know what the fuck they problem is.

If somebody want to defend the country, let them go do it.

The fuck, I don't care if you got no arms no legs, throw a grenade with your mouth.

I don't give a shit. [EXCLAIMS] "Kill all these motherfuckers."

Like some gay guy goin' be in the military ready to shoot somebody and go,

"Oh, my god, he's too cute to shoot.

"Come here.

"Come here!

"I couldn't shoot you, not with that tight little butt look like a Clydesdale.

"Come here, kiss me, blow me. Let's do stuff.

"Let's do lunch. What's your sign?"

How are they gonna find out who the gays are in the military?

They gonna show a picture of Denzel.

Whoever gets a hard-on has to leave?

"What do you think of that?" Boing. "Come here! Aah!"

That's 'cause everybody all homophobic and shit, man.

Somebody had spit on somebody who had AIDS,

they arrested him for manslaughter. Attempted manslaughter.

Let's change this crime. You can walk into a bank with no weapon.

"I got HIV. Back off or I'm gonna spit.

[COLLECTING SPIT FROM THROAT]

"Fill up this sack with twenties. Don't make me use this, it's loaded.

"Don't make me use it."

"Put down the penis or we're gonna shoot."

That's why they banned Magic out of the NBA.

All the players was griping about Magic.

I don't know too much about the disease,

but I don't think you can get it playing basketball.

I'd hate to see that game, "Magic with the ball, fakes left, fakes right,

"dribbles down the lane, falls on top of a player!

"Ooh! He penetrates him in the butt!"

"That's gotta hurt!"

"Ooh, you hate to see that happen this early in the season.

"Marv Albert is courtside. Marv, did he penetrate him in the ass?"

"Yes!"

"He busted a nut in his ass. Back to you, Bob, yes!"

"Ooh! You hate to see that happen!"

Magic's crazy though, man. He's on that pussy tip really big.

Magic had six women in bed at one time.

Damn, I don't need that much pressure.

I get two hard-ons, I'm calling my neighbor up. "Look, I got another one.

"Come on over and look at it. I swear to God."

Six people and you're in bed. "Hey, how you doin', baby?"

"You all right? Did I grab your titties? All right, are your titties good?

"How you doin'? All right, [EXCLAIMS] okay. Who didn't come?

"If you didn't come, get on this side of the bed.

"All right, I'm confused.

"Are you doing it? Okay." You're bouncing people, spinning people.

[MIMICS CIRCUS SONG]

"Hey, how you doing, all right. Look, I'm confused.

"If you didn't get a booty lick, get on this side of the pillow.

"Fill out a number two form."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

No idea what's going on.

Wilt Chamberlain slept with 20,000 women.

Twenty-thousand.

That's a lot of nookie.

I figured out my career, I don't have 20,000 strokes in my life.

That's counting like, one, two.

[CHUCKLES]

Three, four.

I don't think I'm up to 20,000.

My girlfriend say, "I didn't have an orgasm."

I say, "It's an individual sport. I got mine, you get yours."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Two pumps and a squirt, I'm watching Arsenio,baby."

Ever try to get head on a date and be subtle about it?

There's no way to do it. You always slip your hand behind their head.

And then go like, kind of like this,

like they don't notice a big hand pushing their head down towards your dick.

"I wonder what he's doing?"

It's like a big Nautilus workout plan, you know.

"Yeah, I'm getting buffed for the revolution. Yeah, that's right.

"That's right.

"Getting buffed for the cause, uh-huh."

And she's licking on... I always tell my girl,

she got the biggest neck in the... [EXCLAIMS]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"I still haven't sucked it.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"There will be no head here."

She got a picture of her head with a slash over it in her bedroom.

No head zone.

There's a lot of crazy shit out there.

You gotta be careful, keep your shit out, man.

Crack and all that crazy shit.

When I was kid, crack was when a fat guy come fix your washing machine,

you could see his butt hole. That was crack and we was happy to have it.

They be throwing you down. Look last year, when they had Willie Smith Kennedy guy.

Willie Kennedy Smith, raped this woman. They said he didn't.

Then the same time, Mike got sent to jail. All fucked up.

Now the case is coming out like he really didn't do it.

I mean it's hard. Mike is like 25, worth $60 million. Of course he has attitude.

When I got my student loan, I was a dickhead for three weeks.

I woke up saying, "I am king of the world, you will all be my slave."

I mean, imagine being the heavyweight champion of the world.

You know, I'd have attitude.

I'd walk into a real nice restaurant, just put my dick in the butter tray.

"Who don't like my dick in the butter tray?

I said, "Who don't like my dick in the butter dish?"

"I don't mind, champ, can you move your nuts over so I can butter this roll?"

You guys have been great. Thanks for coming out here.

Peace.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]Thanks, everybody.

Warren Thomas, give it up.

See, talent.AUDIENCE MEMBER 1: Yo!

Hey...AUDIENCE MEMBER 2: Yo!

AUDIENCE MEMBER 1: Yo!What?

AUDIENCE MEMBER 1: Bring that camera up here.

What?

AUDIENCE MEMBER 1: Bring that camera up here.AUDIENCE MEMBER 3: You shut the fuck up!

[LAUGHS][AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Motherfucker said, "Bring that camera up here."

Y'all don't wanna be on TV, do you?AUDIENCE: Yeah.

We saw you on the news last week.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[CHUCKLES]

[AUDIENCE CONTINUES LAUGHING]

All right, coming to the stage from Jacksonville, Florida.

Give it up for Doo Doo Brown.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING][MUSIC PLAYING]

What the fuck is that?

What's up, New York?

[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS]

No, fuck that. That ain't the New York motherfuckers been telling me about.

What the fuck is up, New York?

AUDIENCE: Wassup?

Hell, yeah.

You understand what I'm saying?

Goddamn, I'm gonna start off letting you motherfuckers know,

I don't fuck around!

Oh, yeah, and some fine motherfuckers out here.

Goddamn, some fine motherfuckers out here.

Yo, let me start... Let me ask a question.

How many brothers came out here with your girlfriend?

Came out here with your girlfriend or you brought some lady here with you.

Let me hear you clap. You brought a lady with you, let me hear you clap.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Sixteen stupid motherfuckers.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Stupid motherfuckers, yo.

I'mma tell you, bro.

My girl...

She can't even ride with me, bro.

No, mo.

She can't even ride with me, bro.

Too much stupid shit be jumpin' off when she with me.

You understand what I'm saying?

Oh, I, oh, bro, I don't fuck around.

She get a kiss and a bus pass. I don't bullshit.

She can't even ride with me, bro.

Too much stupid shit be jumpin' off, dog.

You know what I'm saying? Like the other day, bro, had her in the car with me.

At the stop light.

Motherfucker pulls up alongside of the... Yelling at a motherfucker.

[SCREAMS]

[EXCLAIMS]

"You need to cut that zero

"and get with this hero."

He callin' me zero, bro don't even know me.

'Cause he in a Benz and I'm in a Nova. That nigga don't me.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You know what I'm saying? My girl don't say nothing.

Fuck it. I don't say nothin'.

Nigga gets mad 'cause she ignoring his ass, pulls out his pistol.

Wavin' it at my shit.

"Hey! Hey, I ain't no motherfuckin' punk, bro."

I'mma say something, bro. I said, "Hey, motherfucker!

"You hear that man talking to you!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"What, you too cute to speak?

"Well you better say something, goddamn.

"Trying to get me fucked up."

I don't fuck with her, bro, no more.

She can't even ride with me, bro.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

You understand what I'm sayin'?

Y'all gotta excuse me, bro, I'm fucked up. You know what I'm sayin'?

I don't give a fuck what time it is.

I don't fuck around!

Shit.

I'm the real nigga's comedian, what's up?

Yo, how many real niggas we got in the house?

If you a real nigga, put your hand on your dick

and let them motherfuckin' dogs loose.

Ain't no real niggas in this motherfucker?

Goddamn.

I know we got some real niggas in here.

Yo, all you real niggas...

How many of you niggas eat pussy?

If you eat pussy, let the dogs loose.

[AUDIENCE MEMBERS WOOFING]

Goddamn, look at the girls. Look it. "Who roof, girl, who roof?

"Who roof?"

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Damn, they up there got binoculars, "Was it him?"

Oh, I don't fuck around.

Niggas scared to roof.

Niggas still scared to say they eat pussy, bro.

I ain't scared to say it. You know why?

AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Why?

Cause I'm good at it, goddamn.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

Oh, I don't fuck around!

I don't fuck around!

No, your man might fuck around.

See what I'm saying? I ain't one of them little minute motherfuckers.

You know what I'm sayin'?

I ain't one of them little minute motherfuckers.

You know what I'm saying? Them niggas tried for a minute...

And then they through.

No, Doo Doo don't stop till you beg him to.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

I don't fuck around!

See what I'm sayin'?

Oh, no, I don't fuck around.

I get straight to the shit.

Straight to the shit!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Oh no, they don't call me Doo Doo for nothing.

They don't call me Doo Doo Brown for nothing!

Oh, no, I do toes, assholes and elbows.

Give it to me.

Peace, I'm Doo Doo motherfuckin' Brown.

[MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[LAUGHS]

"Toes, elbows and assholes."

I don't give a shit.

I ain't lickin' the asshole.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

And you have doo doo crumbs all over this motherfucker.

All right, coming to stage, he was on here before

'cause Steve, you know, last time he was here, he rocked,

and we brung him back again.

And he's gonna do it again and have fun with you guys.

Also he's hosting Apollo now. Give it up for my man, Steve Harvey.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING][MUSIC PLAYING]

New York, Def Jam, what's happenin'?

Let's try it again. What's happenin'?

AUDIENCE: Wassup?Look at y'all.

[LAUGHS] Ain't you glad you black?

Now, ain't you glad you black?

AUDIENCE: [APPLAUDING] Yeah.Goddamn.

I sit around all the day just thinking,

"What would you do if your ass wasn't black no more?"

Boy, you just have to...

I was sitting on a plane with a white boy the other day.

"You know, you're such a mixed-up people.

"Some of you are lighter than the others."

I don't give a damn, I'm black. "Look at you."

Look at me. Look at my shit.

Look, look, look at my shit.

Look at how full it is. Look at the round nose, big nice-ass lips.

You're damn right I'm black. Look at the profile. Look.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Look. Look how even the nose and lips are. Look at that.

That's that black, that good shit.

Ain't none of that European look.

Big honk-ass nose sticking way out there. Mouth way back here somewhere.

That's why there ain't more of them in the NBA.

'Cause they ain't got no peripheral vision.

They can't see cross that big honk-ass nose.

You know, Magic used to bring it on the floor. Magic, come on the floor, ha!

White boy come on the floor, gotta look right at you.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

You know you black. Some advantages to being black.

You gotta give it some thought.

See, don't let them trip you out about your education,

'cause they denied us that for years.

But don't ever let them mess you up. Black folk got good old

common-ass sense.

You know what to do.

'Cause there some things you know to do and some stuff you know not to do.

You just know it automatically.

Here are some things you probably ain't never thought about.

Here are some things you ain't ever seen black people do.

Ain't gonna ever see it and here it is.

You ain't ever seen

no black serial killer.

You ain't never seen a black person go out and kill 16, 17 people.

You know why? 'Cause we know better.

We ain't got to go that far.

Hell, we steal a hot dog, we gonna get life.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

White people don't know. White people wake up, go next door,

and kill everybody in the house.

Go to bed, catch a train, go across town,

kill 15, 16 more people.

You know why? 'Cause they don't know.

They don't think they ass gonna go to jail.

Shit they ain't went to jail for nothing else.

Here's another one. You ain't ever see no black people

out on a highway hitchhiking.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

'Cause we know good and damn well we ain't getting no goddamn ride!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

After a while, brother just be waving. "Wassup?

[LAUGHS] "Nice tires, dog."

'Cause we know, man. There's just stuff we can't do.

You just saw the presidential debates, didn't you?

That's another thing you don't ever see no black people doing.

You ain't never see no black people on TV in no debate.

That's 'cause we can't.

We can't argue that long.

See we argue four or five minutes

then after that, hell, something gotta happen.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

The debate gonna end up in the parking lot.

"What'd you say in there?"

It ain't gonna happen.

That whole presidential election talkin' about America,

"What's wrong with America?"

They debated about it.

You could have saved them a whole... Could of just asked me.

I know what's wrong with this country.

See, they try to talk about there's crime. That ain't it.

They talkin' about it's unemployment, that ain't it.

They talking about, "There ain't enough jobs."

You know what's wrong with America?

You ain't kicking your kid's ass no more.

That's what's wrong with America.[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

You ain't kicking your kid's ass like you got your ass whooped.

That's what's wrong. You got... Listen to me.

You got to go back to the old school.

You got... Forget this new crap. This "discipline a child."

You got to unload on his little ass.

I know what I'm talking about 'cause I used to get my ass whooped e'erywhere.

My old man... Every... E'erywhere. I said it right, e'erywhere.

See everywhere is a whole lot of places.

E'erywhere is wherever the hell he felt like.

That's why.

'Cause my old man had a simple motto,

"Wherever you show out, that's where you get worked out."

And he wasn't playing either.

You mess up in the grocery store, he'd drown your ass in a gallon of milk.

Can't even kick a kid's ass in public no more. No, white people messed it up.

Gave them little bastards a 1-800 number.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

They'll call in on your ass, too.

1-800, he whooppin' my ass!

Wish they'd of had this number when I was growing up.

I'd a stayed on the phone.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

"Hey! It's me!

"You need to get down here 'cause he about to kick my ass again!

"It'll be the little short black man on the tree line with the skillet in his hand!"

Goddamn kids got out of hand. Then went over into rap too.

Got new little kitty-ass rap groups.

Kriss Kross, y'all like Kriss Kross?

AUDIENCE: [APPLAUDING] Yeah!I can't stand them little rich-ass kids.

Make me sick. Thirty-five-years-old,

I was 34 before I got a credit card.

They little punk-ass making millions of dollars.

Talkin' about some damn "Jump, jump."

Motherfucker...

They got their clothes on backwards, too.

Your daddy would have kicked your ass, you'd put your pants on backwards!

Coming out here.

And what else they going to write a song about except Jump. Jump?

They 13!

Hell, they ain't got the blues!

They woman ain't left them and they ain't no job.

You damn right, jump jump.

You got your pants on backwards, it's time to go pee,

it's goin' be some jumpin'.

I'm Steve Harvey, I'm out of here, yo.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING][MUSIC PLAYING]

Steve Harvey, give it up. Another round of applause.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

Bring my man Russell Simmons up here to say goodnight

and thank you guys for coming out.

Thanks for coming out. God bless you. Goodnight.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[AUDIENCE CONTINUES CHEERING]

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0