Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

KID CAPRI: It's the Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Ladies and gentleman, put your hands together

for my main man, Mr. Martin Lawrence.

[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING]

Yeah.[MUSIC STOPS]

Kid Capri! Give my man a round of applause.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

I'll get to you later and that hairstyle.

[CHUCKLES]

Wassup!

I see a white section up there.

There's a lot of white section.

Uh-uh, keep your ass right up there.

Now you know how the fuck we felt for years.

[AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS]

Hey, Rosie Perez in the house. Wassup, Rosie?

White men can't jump, huh?

They can't pump either. You know that shit now, don't you?

That's my girl, 'cause we go way back.

We made her first movie together.

I love you baby, though, you my heart. Wassup?

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Yeah.

Got Tony Campbell and Oakley from the Knicks,

and all brothers in the house from the Knicks.

Man, y'all goin' win this shit this year or what, man?

Stop bullshitting, losin' fucking games.

Oakley, don't be back there laughing too, man,

with the big-ass purple, look like a big ass grape.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

No, Oakley always laughing and playing and fouling motherfuckers.

Foul me, Oak, I'm telling you,

you foul me I'm like this. Come on.

Just playin', Oak. I love you, man.

Where's Pepper? Wassup, man?

Pepper! Pepper Johnson with the Giants.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Got a new coach, huh?

So this means y'all goin' win three games this year, huh?

[CHUCKLES]

No. Pepper my motherfucker, that's my man.

Pepper man, I can't hang out with you football players.

You motherfuckers are crazy when y'all get to drinking.

Y'all just be, "Fuck!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Scary, Pep.

What you doing with a vest on? I know you got money.

Boy, you look good.

Ain't he a big good-looking black brother, ain't he?

[WOMEN WHOOP]Look at the sistas, they like that.

[LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY]

Standing, looking at your wallet,

"How you doing, Pepper Johnson?"

Pepper Johnson!

How you doing with the hairdo?

I don't wanna know about the hairdo.

Now, that's your hair, right?

Now tell me the truth. Hold on, sista, this is with us.

You know what I'm saying?

We talking to her right now.

Mind your motherfuckin' business and hold on.

Now that's all yours?

That's nice, though. Who did that?

Girl, talk to me. Who did your hair?

Huh?

No, see, tell the crowd who did it.

Neeci.

We don't fuckin' know Neeci. Tell us who Neeci is.

Neeci. Oh, you?

How Neeci do your hair, and her shit's fucked up?

[AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS]

[CHUCKLES]

I'm joking. Hey, just playing.

I'm just...

Neeci, Neeci, I'm just joking.

Just leave her hair alone.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

We got Ray Murphy in the house.

He don't do shit, he just Eddie Murphy uncle.

Give him a round of applause.

Wassup, Ray? [CHUCKLES]

He ain't think I see you up there, right?

Every time I see you though, ray, you be sporting.

Ray like, "Motherfucker, yeah, yeah."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Wassup, man?

How's Eddie doing, man?

Yeah man, I had a good time with him, man, doing Boomerang.

Just I ain't bringing no woman over to his motherfuckin' house.

Eddie got too much fly shit to be bringing women over his house.

My man, Kid, just bought a house.

Can't tell... You know Kid, from Kid 'N Play.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I'm bullshittin'.

Them my boys.

I love y'all, Kid. You know I'm fucking with you, man.

We did movies together, man. I love y'all, man.

You know.

Kris Kross rollin', and y'all rollin'.

Y'all should get together and get one big united front.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

[CHUCKLES]

He goin' dog me later now 'cause I fucked with you and Kris Kross. All right.

You mad at me? Well then fuck it, Kid.

Because I've moved on.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

All right, all right. Now look, y'all keep that energy going

'cause these comics coming out here working hard for you.

A lot of them, some of them is their first time, but they're here for you

and because, and we're back because you made it possible

and so we want to thank you.

Now, give it up for my man, Terry Hodges.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING]

Hello![MUSIC STOPS]

All right, you motherfuckers still cold.

What's happening?

Crazy motherfuckers.

How you doing, man?

Motherfucker here dressed here like one of the five Heartbeats.

What's up, motherfucker?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Motherfucker got a Jheri curl and a process.

[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

Hey, I'm telling you, I don't care what nobody say,

please write letters, do whatever you can.

Mike Tyson should not be locked up.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

That's true.

We all know Mike got some problems.

I used to hang out with Mike at Bentley's.

Every woman go by, he'd be like, "Hoink hoink.

"Hoink, hoink."

I said, "Mike, you the heavyweight champion of the world, man.

"You can't be foolin' on these women's asses."

"What you mean?"

And then I find out these woman were suing, and gettin' big money.

Shit, I got in line. [VOCALIZES HOINK]

'Cause I don't give a fuck what nobody say.

Mike Tyson can fuck me for five million.

Fuck that. It's cold, it's tight out here in this motherfucker.

Motherfucker be fuckin', "Who's the champ?

"Who's the champ?"

Fuck that.

Give me a Rolls Royce,

y'all be like, "Look at that faggot motherfucker

"in that Rolls Royce."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS]

Sew my ass up.

Give me one of them hot water bottles.

Ladies, please don't lie to your kids like my mother did to me.

She lied to me. Told me that douche bag was a hot water bottle.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

And me and my buddies, we was in the cub scouts.

We went... We went on a hunting trip.

I couldn't afford a canteen.

[AUDIENCE GROANS]

Filled that motherfucker up with Kool-Aid.

Talking about, a hunting we will go, a hunting we will go.

Them motherfuckers ran out of their shit,

I still had half a bag of Kool-Aid.

Talkin' about, "Hey, hey, oh, no.

"That ain't no Kool-Aid, motherfucker."

Crazy shit out here.

How you doing, brother?

Motherfucker's so black, he don't walk, he just appear.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

You and I be having a conversation and be like, "Hey, motherfucker."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Crazy shit. How you doing, man?

Scud missile-head motherfucker, what's happening?

Nigga, glasses so thick, you can look at a map and see people waving.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Crazy shit, and I'm telling you.

In 1993, if you ain't eating pussy, fellas,

you ain't going to be able to keep your woman.

Now, I don't want to offend any of the ladies in the house

by telling them that they have to eat pussy.

So, if I have offended you ladies, would you please clap.

Now, if you like your pussy ate

but you don't want to incriminate yourself,

could you just wink.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

'Cause I'm telling you, fellas.

Ain't nothing wrong with eating pussy.

Ain't nothing wrong with liking where you come from.

That's called recycling.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS]

'Cause I know we get into that old macho shit, you know.

Yeah, I got A... I met a woman about a week ago.

She was fine.

She said, "Look, later for that old macho shit, we goin' do some new shit.

"Say back! Down with the new shit."

[VOCALIZES]

She... Went to her house.

She said, "I want you to take off your clothes and you get into bed first."

I said, "Back!"

Took my shit off, jumped in the bed, she was fine!

And ladies, if you really want to turn a man on,

wear some tight, tight panties,

not them Oprah Winfrey panties.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

She was fine.

She was so fine, my dick was so hard,

a midget could do pull-ups on that motherfucker.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS]

She said, "Before I take them off, I want you to roll over on your stomach."

Back! Roll over on my stomach.

New shit. [VOCALIZES]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

And then I said to myself, "Self,

"you know, God, you and I are cool.

"Please, God, don't let this be no man."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Crazy shit.

Has anybody here got asthma?

Lying motherfuckers.

I got asthma.

I'm telling you, if you have asthma and you making love,

don't talk shit 'cause you goin' run out of air.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS]

I got my asthma spray right before I got the pussy.

[VOCALIZES SPRAYING]

Came out, "Oh, shit, goddamn it, baby, who pussy is this?

"God dam it, who... Who pussy is this?"

She say, "Martin Lawrence."

[AUDIENCE CHEERS AND LAUGHS]

Fuck the wrong shit, one of them who pussies. "Who pussy?"

[GASPS]

Crazy shit.

Before I go, I have to say this,

'cause I always say this in my show.

When you got a beautiful audience like this,

you have to do positive messages.

I hate the Klan.

Ku Klux Klan. I hate the motherfuckers.

And if you look at... Fuck the Klan.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

You ever see the Klan?

All they do is kill black...

Poor black people, like, in rural areas and shit.

How come them motherfuckers don't... All you see is,

"We hate niggas."

Ain't no niggas around.

"We hate niggas. We hate niggas.

"We hate Jews." Ain't no Jews around.

"We hate Jews."

How come them motherfuckers don't come to Harlem and say that shit?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

'Cause we could damn sure use them sheets.

God bless, goodnight.

[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING]

Terry Hodges.[MUSIC STOPS]

Give it up for my man, Terry Hodges.

Coming to the stage from Marshall, Texas.

Brother's living in LA. He runs a comedy club out there, the town house.

Give it up for my man, Wan Dexter.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC STOPS]

All right, wassup, New York? Wassup?

All right, everybody in the house.

Let me hear you say, "Hey!"

AUDIENCE: Hey!

Oh, yeah, 'cause, you know, that's like our secret password.

You know what I'm saying? I don't care where you are,

when you see a fine man,

a fine woman,

you hear your favorite song on the radio,

what's the secret password?

AUDIENCE: Hey!

Hey.

Fellas, don't you hate, though, when you in a club

and your lady looking good, you with her.

And another fine lady walk by, all you can do is this.

Hey. [CHUCKLES]

Oh! [CHUCKLES]

And in L.A., you know, they got the swap meets.

And they got all those Koreans in there,

they be in those record shops.

I don't know if they study or what,

but they know where every damn rap tape,

they know the name of the groups,

they can tell you everything.

I don't know how they did it. They like,

[IN KOREAN ACCENT] "Oh, oh, TLC, right here.

[CHUCKLES]

"Jodeci, oh, oh, right here."

[CHUCKLES]

[IN NORMAL ACCENT] Y'all, I made up a group,

just to see what he was gonna say.

I said, "Look man, you got MC Bubbilicious Fish Eyes?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

[VOCALIZING SPEAKING KOREAN]

[IN KOREAN ACCENT] "Right here."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

[IN NORMAL ACCENT] Man, they ain't even came out yet.

[IN KOREAN ACCENT] "We got it, motherfucker, right here."

[IN NORMAL ACCENT] I said, "Damn, this brother got everything."

I said, "You got pictures of my wife fucking around?"

[IN KOREAN ACCENT] "Right here.

"Oh, he fucked her good, too."

Sit on this, right here.

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah, they do all of that, y'all.

MC.

Y'all, believe it or not, I used to teach

fourth graders for six years.

Y'all remember being in the fourth grade, right?

Oh, yeah, ain't nothing changed.

Nothing has changed, y'all. They do the same stuff.

Oh, they talk about each other and I'm supposed to tell them,

"Don't do nothing. No talking about each other."

But, you know, being a comedian, I need the material.

So, I let them go, and they get up and talk about each other.

[AS A KID] "You shut up. Your momma so poor.

"I went over her house and asked her what she was having for dinner,

"and she put her foot on her plate and said corn."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

[AS HIMSELF] I'm at my desk like this, right?

That was pretty good. Corn.

So, another little girl got up.

[AS SMALL GIRL] "Yo momma so stupid, she put some lipstick on her head

"talkin' about she trying to make up her mind."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

That's good.

[CHUCKLES]

[AS HIMSELF] And I have one little boy in my class, right,

named Eduardo.

Eduardo used to cuss all the time.

I could never, never call on him

because I would think he'd say a bad word in class.

So, we were going through our vocabulary words A through Z.

"All right, what's our A word?"

Eduardo was like, "Oh, oh, come on, Mr. Dexter,

"I got a word, I got a word."

And I'm thinking in my mind, "No."

'Cause if I call on Eduardo for the letter A, he might say...

AUDIENCE: Asshole.

Eduardo?

All right. [CHUCKLES]

So, we skipped him. We skipped, right?

We got to the letter B, he's like, "Oh, come on, Mr. Dexter,

"I got a word, I got a word. Please call on me."

And I said, no.

'Cause if I call on Eduardo for the letter B he might say...

AUDIENCE: Bitch.

Yea, y'all good. [CHUCKLES]

So we skipped the letters C, D, E.

You know we skipped the letter F.

Got all the way to the letter R.

He's still hanging in there. "Oh, come on, teacher, you never call on me."

And I'm thinking in my mind, hell,

I don't know a curse word that starts with a R.

I guess it's safe. "Okay, Eduardo, what's your word?"

He said, "Rat.

"Big ass motherfuckin' rat.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS]

"This motherfucker was big.

"Yeah, fuckin' dick was that long too, teacher."

Hey I'm Wan Dexter, y'all, thanks a lot.

[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[MUSIC STOPS]

Kid Capri.

We love you in New York, Kid Capri,

and we love you all over.

So... [CHUCKLES]

So, coming to the stage from Washington D.C.,

living in L.A. now, please welcome Mark Wheatle. Give it up.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING][MUSIC STARTS]

[MUSIC STOPS]

Wassup? Wassup?

How's everybody doing?

Good, good.

I was watching the president on TV last night.

Bill Clinton is the jogginest motherfucker I've ever seen.

The secret service can't even keep up with him.

'Cause Clinton claims to be a man of the people.

He like to wake up in the morning, eat breakfast at McDonald's,

play the saxophone on TV,

be hanging out on the corner with hoes and shit.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

You know, and the only reason I like Clinton

because when the reporters ask him a question,

he give up a real answer.

Reporters will be like, "All right, excuse me, Mr. Clinton,

"how do you feel about President Bush going over to Somalia

"to feed the starving negros.

"What are your thoughts about that?"

Clinton be like, "Man, fuck that. Next question."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"Shit, ask me about some weed or something."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS]

[CHUCKLES]

Man it's '93, it's a new year.

Gotta get paid, man.

You gotta learn how to run a scam, man.

Just to survive, you gotta know how to run game.

'Cause I used to work at a bank as a teller.

It's hard working for somebody when you wanna rob them.

Every day I go to work. You know, I don't think they would suspect me.

I actually had one of my friends come in and rob us one time.

And I remember telling this brother.

I said, "Look man, this is what you gotta do."

"Come into the bank, write out a note,

"hand me the note, I'll give you the money.

"Tell the manager it was a white boy,

"boom, meet you around the corner.

"You got that?

"Don't fuck this up man, we gonna get paid, all right?"

And he was one of them dumb brothers.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah I got it, man, I got it, man.

"We all right. We gonna get paid."

So, the next day, he comes into the bank wearing a stocking cap.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

And stands in line.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Like nobody goin' know he waiting for me.

You know? So, after about fifteen minutes,

he comes over to my counter and he hands me this note.

And the note says, "Dear Mark,

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"This is a robbery.

"Put all the money in the bag, don't try nothing, nobody will get hurt.

"PS: Meet you around the corner."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Dumb, man.

I'm trying to figure people out, man.

I'm trying figure these white people out.

I think white people been crazy way back since Evel Knievel.

Y'all remember Evel Knievel jumping over the grand canyon on a ten speed?

That's some crazy shit.

And white people have an expert for everything.

You know, if they fucked up in the head

they go to a psychiatrist to tell them that they fucked up.

And for sex, they listen to Dr. Ruth.

Dr. Ruth is 200 years old.

What does she know about fuckin'?

Last person to hit that was a cave man.

[AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS]

I would not get my advice on sex

from someone that ain't fuckin'.

See, only white people do that. Only white people,

"Hey, I need some advice, can you help me?"

Black people, we will not do that.

Brothers, we have a problem with our sex life, we just keep fuckin'.

It will work itself out.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Fuck that.

But on the real before I go, man, I wanna tell y'all

that there are a lot of elements out there

trying to take us out as a community, as people.

Brothers, if you're having sex, put on a condom.

Please. All right, for real.

'Cause it's just that simple.

If you fuck without a condom, you die. It's that simple.

'Cause AIDS don't give a fuck if you white, black, gay, straight, whatever.

AIDS dropping people off like flies.

Sometimes I put on two condoms.

'Cause I ain't trying to be one of these brothers

walking down the street and falling out.

Be walking down the street, "Hey, you know, I got some pussy last night."

[AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS]

New York, thanks.

[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey Russell![MUSIC STOPS]

Russell and them have a new group on Def Jam.

Give it up for Onex.

Up there.

And the lead singer is Sticky Fingers.

How the fuck you get sticky fingers, man?

How you get the name sticky fingers on the label?

That's all I want to know.

All right, y'all, coming to the stage, this is my man.

This is one of them brothers I truly think...

I thought of it last year, he should've had a one-night stand.

He's a very, very funny brother.

One of the most talented young brothers out here.

And whenever you see him, go support him 'cause the boy is bad.

Give it for what can I say,

he's in Poetic Justice, you can see him.

Give it up for my man, Joe Torry.

[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

[MUSIC STOPS]

Wassup!

Dogs in the house. [WOOFS]

If y'all ready for this last laugh, let me hear you say, "Hell yeah."

AUDIENCE: Hell yeah!

All right then, we can get this motherfucker started.

You get your boots off the stage man.

You ain't at home and shit, God damn.

Feel like a gay pirate.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Your boot all over the motherfuckin' stage.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Do that shit at home?

Yeah.Yeah?

'Cause you ain't got no motherfuckin' furniture, that's why.

Crates don't matter.

That's a damn shame.

What's up, man? Muffin man, the muffin man.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

This big old motherfucker.

Sitting there like a big ass bag of snacks.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS]

Yeah, motherfucker.

I outta jump down there and print your brownie off your forehead.

Probably take your shirt off your back.

It's rolled up like a honey bun.

It's a big-ass vending machine there.

Just kick you in the ass, all type of just treats fall the fuck out.

Cigarettes, beechnut gum, motherfuckin', Ho Hos, Ding Dongs.

Just sweet roll-ass motherfucker.

He's sitting there and shit, man,

'cause he can't get to the muffins in his pocket.

He's pinching the motherfucker off.

I ain't worried about you coming to the stage

'cause by the time you get here, you'll be tired.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Big old ass and shit.

I got it. Hey.

I hope I get some pussy, all that screaming.

Shit, woo hoo.

Come home with me, you take that shit up a notch.

All right, I be cool.

I'll quit that shit, I'll quit that shit.

I ain't got much goddamn time up here.

I wanna talk about the gays, man.

I think they should let them in the military. Fuck that shit.

'Cause I ain't going... Let them motherfuckers go fight.

Half y'all thinking that, you know, don't send them over

'cause they got the sickness or some shit like that,

and everybody else will get it. Fuck that.

Shoot, they put that shit in the gun

and have them shoot it over to the motherfuckin' enemy.

Kill them motherfuckers 'cause them gays might come in handy.

I ain't got nothing against they ass, for real, they might come in handy.

Say you in the goddamn, you know,

you crawling through the goddamn jungle and shit.

You know and shit through the jungle, sneaking up on your enemy,

and a snake bite you on your dick.

And you gonna lay there hollerin', "Medic, medic".

Medic ain't coming to suck the poison out your dick.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Motherfucker. You better call Lieutenant Liberace or some motherfucker.

'Cause if I'm private and that motherfucker,

his ass sit there and bleed like a motherfucker.

Shit, you gotta die, man, I ain't sucking your dick.

Fuck that shit.

Motherfucker, and they always talking about everybody trying to turn somebody people gay,

and all them motherfuckers talking about Michael Jackson. Fuck y'all.

Michael Jackson buy all you broke motherfuckers.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS]

Always... Mike ain't done shit to nobody, never.

I'm with you, Mike, if you wanna paint your ass orange,

have a tail coming out your ass, I'm with you.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

You see he shut Hammer straight the fuck up, didn't he?

Hammer trying to fuck with him, talking about,

"I wanna challenge Mike to a dance contest."

Mike's in a whole other level.

He could of just called a radio station

and have Hammer shit cut smooth the fuck off.

[AS MICHAEL JACKSON] "Hello, yeah, cut Hammer's shit off.

"Yeah, and Jermaine's, too."

Motherfucker, Mike got money and shit.

And they talking about he gay. Mike ain't gay.

Mike just a happy motherfucker, big-ass kid, he ain't got to grow up.

For real, that's why he got them animals now,

so he can do what the fuck he want to.

See, Joe Jackson don't come over his house now, beating his ass, do he?

Mike be like, "Come on over, I'll sic this gorilla on your motherfuckin' ass."

[AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS]

So I'm just getting me a nice-ass woman and shit.

But I can't... But you don't know...

You don't know if you can trust them though, man.

You be on the road and shit.

Don't know if you can trust woman now goddamn days.

Come home and shit they've been fucking.

You know they goin' fuck, you've been gone three months.

'Cause woman can lie and shit.

Woman can lie about they shit 'cause they can adjust they shit.

For real.

They can look at a man's dick and just adjust it like it's rich.

They be like, "Seven sixteenths, god damn."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS]

They be sitting there, talking to your ass,

talking about, "I ain't fuck nobody."

You be like, "You're a goddamn liar. I know how horny you get.

Your ass... "I been gone three months, you've been fucking."

"I ain't." You get inside. Talking about, "See, see how tight it is."

And she be done adjusted the motherfucker.

You be like, "I believe you, baby, I believe you."

You be like, "You believe me?"

"Yeah, yeah, I know, it's so goddamn tight." And she done adjusted it.

And then as soon as that motherfucker get wet, the truth come out.

You be like, "I believe, I believe you!

"Hey, what the fuck happened?

"Oh, that's fucked up, fucked up, fucked up.

"Let me out this motherfucker you, lying bitch,

"bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch."

Peace y'all, I'm out.[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING]

All right.[MUSIC STOPS]

Well.

Another Def Jam is down and gone.

Let's bring my man out.

Thank you guys for always, always supporting.

And bring my man, Russell Simmons up here.

I got my eye on somebody, Russell.

Thank y'all for coming out. God bless you. Goodnight.

[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

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