Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

KID CAPRI: It's the Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.

Ladies and gentleman, put your hands together for my main man,

Mr. Martin Lawrence.

Yeah! Wassup?

Give Kid Capri a round of applause.

My motherfucker.

Yeah. Y'all look good.

Wassup, New York? Havin' fun?

All the pretty ladies here,

what the fuck is it with the burgundy?

What the fuck is it with this burgundy?

No, I'm sayin'. I'm sayin'.

Are you gettin' hair to match your shit now?

Baby, no.

Burgundy hair is not cute.

No, it's not.

You're like one of the Pointer Sisters on crack.

[LAUGHING]

All right. What? I'm just messin' with you, babe.

I'm just messin'. Don't be upset,

but I'm just sayin' the burgundy hair and shit.

Who told you to get that?

Whoever told you that shit's not your friend.

And you walked in this motherfucker just like this.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

How you doin'?

That shut off.

You goin' to change that motherfuckin' hair, ain't you?

Yeah.

Come back here and have blue hair.

Hey.

Oh, how you doin', bro?

How you livin'? You cool?

Okay, you got a girlfriend, man?

Yeah, where she at?

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Where's she at?Yeah.

She home.

Are you sure she's home?

Why she ain't here with you, man?

You gotta have your lady with you, man.

Like, baby, come on, let's go do this stuff tonight.

Where is she?She's home.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Up here.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Y'all, that's fucked up.

Stop that, man.

What if your lady was up there, like.

[SHUSHING]

Women, we love ya. I tell ya, we love ya.

Us black men, we love ya.

Hey bro, how you doin', man,

with the hat, little dread, bro.

I ain't gonna fuck with ya. I'm just seeing you

cause you got your dreads and your shit.

You're like you with Third World. You know that, 'member?

You don't sing with them or nothin'?

[INAUDIBLE]

Oh, you Russell brother? Ain't that a bitch?

There's Russell Simmons' brother.

Y'all give him a round of applause.

Damn. Are you bald like Russell?

Up around...yep.

But you savin' your shit on the side, though.

He all fucked up right here, but he said, "Fuck that.

"I'm cool here."

Put a hat here, nigger never know.

Good to see you, man.

I never met you, but that's cool, man.

I'm lookin' at my sisters, man.

They're beautiful women, man.

That's all we think about though.

A brother could be playin' basketball, but pussy is on the mind, ain't it?

Always. I got a...

I got a foul, nigger.

Yo, after this let's go get...

Go to the club and get some pussy, man.

That's all we think about is pussy.

We gotta get off of that.

Start channeling our energies

into pussy.

Love some pussy.

Love makin' love.

Damn right I do.

You ever boned a girl so good,

she look back at your ass?

I mean, and with confusion, like who are you?

You hittin' it. Bam bam. She turn around like this.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You like, "The name's Reggie."

But, yeah, this is the place to be.

The Def Comedy Jam where we present the baddest

young comics from all over the world.

Now, we got brothers that have been on here before

that are comin' out to do their thing again

because they rocked, all right?

So, comin' to the stage from my hometown.

This is his second time on the Def Comedy Jam

and when he was here last time, well,

he made sure y'all didn't fuck with him.

Because he has some shit with him.

Yo, give it up from Washington DC.

My man, Royale.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Wassup? Wassup?

Y'all all right?

It's good to be back in New York

but, you know, New York ain't...

Ain't changed a bit, man.

Last time I was here, there was crazy shit goin' on.

This time I came up, a guy tried to take my money out of my pocket.

No bullshit. I had my money hangin' out of my pocket a little bit.

It was a $100 bill, too. That's... You know, like...

Like you, brother, if you have some

money hangin' out your pocket. I say,

"Hey, man, you got some money hangin' out your pocket."

You know what I'm sayin'?

Like, if I had money hangin' out my pocket,

would you try to take it?

All right. Now, that's a good bro.

And would you... Would you try to take...

You look like a thief. Fucked up.

That nigger look broke as shit.

Oh, man.

Thieves, man.

New York ain't changed.

That's why I say if New York ain't changed,

why should I change, right?

All right. That's what I say.

If New York ain't changed.

Why should I motherfuckin' change?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Now... Now, see... I play with the gun and shit,

but I'm gonna take y'all back in the day to...

To whenever... You didn't need guns and shit.

You guys ever hear somethin' now to remind you of

somethin' that you knew about when you was younger?

And the first thing it make you go is what?

Ooh, yeah.

Ooh, yeah.

You guys ever hear somethin' like that now?

Hold up. On three, I want everybody

in here to go, "Ooh, yeah."

All right?

One, two, three.

AUDIENCE: Ooh, yeah.

Like, remember when you was little,

how nobody in your family

wanted to make a sandwich with the heel of the bread?

That piece of bread that looked like your hand?

It's dark on this side, light on this side.

You be reachin' like four or five slices down in that bread bag

to get two good slices of bread.

Yo. Hold up. Hold up. Yo.

I know all y'all gonna know this shit 'cause this

the Def Comedy Jam crowd and I know all y'all gonna know this shit.

Remember the summer of 1976 when your favorite song came on the radio

and you could... Oh, man, you could sing it

'cause you knew all the words?

Wasn't it Boogie Nights?

Yo. Hold. Hold. Hold. Hold. Hold.

Yo, hold up. Remember...

How many? Yo, remember the...

The game used to come on Sunday...

The football game used to come on Sunday?

And everybody used to go outside after the game went off

and play football in the street?

Wadn't it always one nigger in the huddle talkin' about,

"Yeah... Yeah...

"Hit me with the long bomb."

Fella. Wasn't it always one nigger...

You be down in the dirt with the sticks and rocks and shit.

Like, "Little Mo, that's you right here, right?

"You on the end, yo.

"Just do five in the crawl."

"Look... Look, man... Man, stay short.

"You know you always goin' long."

And you get out on the line and it never fails.

You yell, "Hike."

And this nigger's goin'.

You know, he's goin'... He's goin' for the long bomb,

you know, and when you playin' football in the street...

You forget there's cars and trucks and shit out there,

you know, but this brother, he's goin'...

You gotta look back for what, 10 to 15 minutes?

This brother slammed into this van we was playin' one day.

Went down like one of them cartoons

and came back to the huddle like this.

"Y'all be careful. They got a van on they side."

The long bomb.

And when the fellas was playin' football...

When the fellas was playin' football, what was the girls doin'?

They was either cheerleadin' or doin' what?

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Double Dutch.Oh, my goodness.

Yo, by a round of applause,

how many females have ever jumped double dutch in their life?

Yo, wasn't it one fat girl turnin' like this?

[ALL LAUGHING]

She couldn't jump for shit,

but she could turn like a motherfucker.

And then when shit got serious, she put the...

The rope around her waist.

Remember that shit?

And then there was...

It never failed. There was always one potential fag ass

guy over there jumpin' with them.

He didn't want to play football with the guys...

But he was over there jumpin' double dutch like this.

Oh, oh, my God.

Fuck, I ain't gotta play football with y'all.

Y'all keep turnin', girl.

And then there was always one little girl who could jump like shit.

And the big girls didn't want them to play...

Jump with her, so what did they do?

Turn fast on her.

You know, they be like this.

"Come on, Keisha. Come on."

She ain't care if she go anyway.

Then shit got real serious, she'd step on the rope.

Yo, my name's Royale. You guys been a lot of fun.

Yo, Royale, give it up.

All right.

Comin' to the stage from Los Angeles, California,

and you can see her in John Singleton's new movie, Poetic Justice,

give it up for my girl.

'Cause everybody's my man or my girl when I introduce 'em,

but they are good people and I love 'em.

Give it up for Yvette Wilson.

Hey, how y'all doin'?

All right, 1993.

Happy New Year, y'all.

I got my new look. Cut my hair off.

This is my do 'do.

That means when I do it, my 'do is still right.

Okay, see, you gotta be versatile

and in '93, I'm a low-maintenance woman.

'Cause, ladies, how many times, like, on a Saturday morning,

you with your man.

Y'all snuggled and you're like, "Oh, schnooky, you know I love you."

And he try to jump up out the bed,

"Look here, Yvette, I'm gonna run to the store.

"I know it's gonna take you too long to get ready. I'll be back."

I'm like, "Uh-uh, nigger, uh-uh.

"Ain't nobody leavin' nobody. Give me the brush."

Ain't nobody leavin' nobody in '93.

You know what I'm talkin' about, ladies.

Shoot. How you doin'?

Yeah, I'm talkin' to you.

Okay. You just smilin'. You lookin' at me like you want to eat me up.

Shit, you must plan on gettin' full 'cause this ain't no snack.

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah.

Matter of fact, it's more like a smorgasbord.

You better bring your friend.

Ooh, I like it out here, though. The men look good.

It's kind of scary sometimes.

Especially when you go to the club, girl.

You ever go to the club and you see that man you want to get with?

And you're like, [HISSES] "Damn."

But you're scared to take him home 'cause he might be [WHISPERS] short.

You know what I mean. [WHISPERS] Short.

Ladies, I got a surefire way at the club if you wanna know.

How do we get the right man? Y'all want to know?

WOMEN: Yeah!

I thought so.

So, what you have to do is you have to roll up on 'em

just like they roll up on women.

[SNIFFS]

Tsk. Come on, boy.

Take that hand. Take 'em out to the dance floor.

We can do this. Come on.

Take him out there. Dance with him.

"Hey, you look good. Go, boy.

"Hey!"

Then you pop that question to him, girls. You say,

"Hey, let me see your dick."

Now, the average man will go, "Huh?"

Don't let that throw you. Keep that confidence.

Just ask him again,

"Take your dick out."

'Cause you know, ladies, nothin' worse.

You have your good shit on 'cause you can't keep wearin' that to the club, right?

And you got your good stuff on and you goin' to make love and you're happy,

and he start takin' them clothes off

and you like, "Get to the drawers, get to the..."

Damn.

"How old did you say you was, baby?"

Y'all know what I'm talkin' about, don't you?

Don't you?

Girl, yes, but see, what's wrong is now they...

Ladies, we not askin' for what we want.

You need to start... It's '93.

I want you to say it. "'93, it's about me."

Come on, ladies.AUDIENCE: '93, it's about me.

It's got to be.

'Cause people just be couples for a long time. This you?

This you, right here, y'all a couple?

She like, "No, don't put that nigger on me."

Well, do you ask your man for what you want?

You know, do you? You know... [SMACKS LIPS]

You know what I'm talkin' about.

[SMACKS LIPS]

You makin' me nervous. You don't [SMACKS LIPS], do ya?

You got to start askin' these men.

Just come out to him,

like, "Look, I need..."

"Can you help me out?" You know.

And they'll...you know, don't fall for this,

[IN DEEP VOICE] "I don't know how to do it, baby."

That's bullshit.

If you gotta teach him, start off with somethin' simple like the alphabet.

A.

B.

C.

Shit, soon you can say, "Spell my name."

You got to start askin' for what you want.

Just the other night I'm makin' love, y'all,

I got it goin' on wrong. What's really goin' on?

Because he was quiet. I don't like that.

So, I decided to ask for what I want. I said,

[SIGHS] "He's tired. Hey!

"Why don't you talk to me?"

[IN DEEP VOICE] "Uh, what you want me to say, Yvette?"

I said, "You better think of somethin'.

"You'll be sayin' goodnight in this motherfucker."

That's all he needed 'cause he showed up.

That ego kicked in.

Pop. "Yeah, uh-huh." Pop.

"You like that shit, don't you?

"Yeah, it good to your ass, huh?"

I said, "Hell, yeah. That shit is good."

I got happy, y'all,

I snatched his ass. I said, "I take it from here, nigger.

"Hey, say my name. Say my name."

Good night. Thanks.

Yvette Wilson.

Yvette Wilson. Give her another round of applause.

Girl.

Take it from me.

All right. Yo. Okay. Comin' to the stage from New York City.

He was the voice of Robin Harris in Bebe's Kids.

He's a very funny brother. Give it up for Faizon.

Who's in the motherfuckin' house?

AUDIENCE: Faizon!

Who's in the motherfuckin' house?

AUDIENCE: Faizon!

Silly motherfuckers.

Let me tell y'all somethin'.

Some of y'all men know, some of y'all men don't know.

Bitches ain't shit.

AUDIENCE: Ooh.

Ooh, my ass.

I know. [WHISPERS] "Oh, don't be so...

"Don't be sayin', 'bitches ain't shit,'

"Mr. Fat Boy."

I'm fat.

So?

I can deal with it.

Only thing I don't like about me bein' fat is my sexual, you know.

Right now I can get about a good three minutes of good fucking.

But it's a good three minutes.

It's like, "Shit, you don't know how to fuck you, motherfuck, shit, mother."

[PANTING]

[GROANS]

Oh, shit. Walk it off. Walk it off.

Then, if you do find a good woman, you know,

everybody fuckin' around. You can't get married.

Everybody fuckin' around. My friend caught his wife fuckin' around,

but you know, he in love. He's stupid.

He want to keep her.

"Man, I love her.

"She good for me.

"We do nice things together."

You're stupid.

She... He caught her fuckin' around

and, you know, she got to explain her side of the story,

"I need to let you know why."

She told this motherfucker...

"It just happened."

And he was like, "You know, some things can just happen."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

And I'm goin' to tell y'all what I couldn't tell him.

You may just happen

to slip and fall.

You can just happen to wear a fucked-up outfit.

Just happen to get shot. Just happen to win the motherfuckin' lottery.

But you cannot just happen to get fucked.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

You can't just walk outside "But...oh, shit. God."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"I done slipped in some pussy.

"Who left this pussy right here?

"I'll be God..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"Someone goin' be leavin' a pussy out like that.

"Somebody can get hurt."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

It's gettin' to the point now,

you know, you... You can't trust your woman,

you can't trust your man. You gotta put a alarm on your girl.

Some of you women may have to put an alarm on your man.

You know them alarms. Most of you brothers... Guys...you get out

the car, you know, make sure there are a lot of motherfuckers hangin' around.

[IMITATES CAR ALARM]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

[IMITATES CAR ALARM]

You gonna have to put one on your girl. Say,

"Listen, baby, I love you. I'm about to leave town for a couple of days.

"There's some food in the refrigerator. Give me a kiss."

[IMITATES CAR ALARM][AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Have a light blinkin' on her forehead.

Somebody try to fuck her. [IMITATES ALARM]

Back away from the pussy.

You are too close to the pussy.[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Yo! I'm Faizon. I'm fine...

[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

Yo, give it up for Faizon, very funny brother, very funny.

Comin' to the stage is a very, very funny brother.

Last time he was on here he rocked, all right.

You gonna be seein' a lot of this brother. Give it up for my man,

Reggie McFadden.

[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

Wassup?

How y'all doin' tonight? Everyone looks so good.

I just happen to be... I just took the A train here, man.

I just barely made it.

There's a lot of crazy people in the subway

and sometimes you can be sittin' next to somebody crazy

and don't know they crazy.

You know, 'cause they'll be they're normal, like this.

And then, all of a sudden they just stand up and go,

"I feel like killing everybody right here."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

You know, and New Yorkers are cool

'cause we won't get up. We just move over a little bit, like, "Okay."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I'm sittin' next to the crazy man.[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

As long as he don't touch me, we fine.[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

[CHUCKLES] You know, and then the homeless people be gettin'

on my nerves. I... No, no, I like homeless people.

I give to homeless people.

You know, I don't mind somebody askin' me for money.

But just don't try to entertain me.[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

You know, I hate that shit, you know.

If you're goin' to be homeless just stand there and go,

"Excuse me, can I have some change?" you know.

You know, don't be jumpin' out the bushes like, "Yea."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Come on, man!

Come on, if you don't give me no money,

he be followin' you, "Come on, man."

[IMITATES LAUGH]

[CHUCKLES] I... I was this.

Earlier when I was on the train, I saw this brother

standin' there with, like, three beepers on his waist.

Three beepers. I bet he doesn't know how to use them.

Probably walkin' around all day like, "Beep.

"Hello? Hello?"[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"Hey, whoever this is, you better stop it."[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"This shit ain't funny. Call and not sayin' nothin'."

Yeah, they... They got them new beepers out, the SkyPagers.

You seen these?

You could actually see the message, you know.

A lot of drug dealers be buyin' them, you know,

even the ones who can't read.

They'll be on the corner.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"Call...

"Call... [STAMMERS] Call..."

Me...

Me.[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Call me.

Call me.

Hey, I got the message.[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

[CHUCKLES] Hey, wherever you're at, man. I'm gonna call you."

That joke is so stupid.[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I see a lot of couples here tonight, a lot of married couples here.

I love women, though. I love women.

I love women, but I always meet, like, weird women.

You know what I'm sayin'? I always them women in the clubs

that want me to buy them drinks.

Ever meet them?

You can tell it too when you try to talk to 'em.

You know, like, "Hey, baby, how you doin'?"

And she's like, "Aah..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

And I'm like, "You better take care of that throat.

"It's gonna be one beer for me, please."

Look, either... Either I meet dumb women

or women who, like, live in the projects and shit, you know.

I always meet them. Ain't nothin' wrong with them.

But every time women... When women live in the projects,

every time they get out of their car they say the same thing...

They get outta their car, they go, "Don't drive away

"until I get inside my house."[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

You know, like if somebody out there,

I'm gonna get outta my car.[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Shit.

You know, I might roll down the window, you know, like,

"Hey man, don't be doin' that to her."

[IMITATES ENGINE SOUND]

I guess I won't be seein' her again.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Listen, that's my time, ladies and gentlemen. Peace out.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Yo, Reggie McFadden. Give it up.[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Now we gonna bring this thing to a close with my man,

Russell Simmons, come on up here.

Butter neck.

Come on, Russell.

It's bad enough... What do you feel about the people, Russell?

Thanks for comin' out. God bless you. Goodnight.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

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