All language subtitles for Def Comedy Jam s03e05.eng

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

KID CAPRI: It's the
Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.

Ladies and gentleman,
put your hands together for my main man,

Mr. Martin Lawrence.

Yeah! Wassup?

Give Kid Capri
a round of applause.

My motherfucker.

Yeah. Y'all look good.

Wassup, New York?
Havin' fun?

All the pretty
ladies here,

what the fuck is it
with the burgundy?

What the fuck
is it with this burgundy?

No, I'm sayin'.
I'm sayin'.

Are you gettin'
hair to match your shit now?

Baby, no.

Burgundy hair
is not cute.

No, it's not.

You're like one
of the Pointer Sisters on crack.

[LAUGHING]

All right. What?
I'm just messin' with you, babe.

I'm just messin'.
Don't be upset,

but I'm just sayin' the
burgundy hair and shit.

Who told you
to get that?

Whoever told you
that shit's not your friend.

And you walked in this
motherfucker just like this.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

How you doin'?

That shut off.

You goin' to change
that motherfuckin' hair, ain't you?

Yeah.

Come back here and
have blue hair.

Hey.

Oh, how you
doin', bro?

How you livin'?
You cool?

Okay, you got
a girlfriend, man?

Yeah, where she at?

AUDIENCE MEMBER:
Where's she at?Yeah.

She home.

Are you sure
she's home?

Why she ain't here
with you, man?

You gotta have your
lady with you, man.

Like, baby, come on,
let's go do this stuff tonight.

Where is she?She's home.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Up here.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Y'all, that's
fucked up.

Stop that, man.

What if your lady
was up there, like.

[SHUSHING]

Women, we love ya.
I tell ya, we love ya.

Us black men,
we love ya.

Hey bro, how
you doin', man,

with the hat,
little dread, bro.

I ain't gonna fuck
with ya. I'm just seeing you

cause you got your
dreads and your shit.

You're like you
with Third World. You know that, 'member?

You don't sing with
them or nothin'?

[INAUDIBLE]

Oh, you Russell brother?
Ain't that a bitch?

There's Russell
Simmons' brother.

Y'all give him a
round of applause.

Damn. Are you bald
like Russell?

Up around...yep.

But you savin'
your shit on the side, though.

He all fucked up
right here, but he said, "Fuck that.

"I'm cool here."

Put a hat here,
nigger never know.

Good to see you, man.

I never met you,
but that's cool, man.

I'm lookin' at
my sisters, man.

They're beautiful
women, man.

That's all we
think about though.

A brother could be playin'
basketball, but pussy is on the mind, ain't it?

Always. I got a...

I got a foul, nigger.

Yo, after this
let's go get...

Go to the club
and get some pussy, man.

That's all we think
about is pussy.

We gotta get
off of that.

Start channeling
our energies

into pussy.

Love some pussy.

Love makin' love.

Damn right I do.

You ever boned
a girl so good,

she look back
at your ass?

I mean, and
with confusion, like who are you?

You hittin' it.
Bam bam. She turn around like this.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You like,
"The name's Reggie."

But, yeah, this
is the place to be.

The Def Comedy Jam
where we present the baddest

young comics from
all over the world.

Now, we got
brothers that have been on here before

that are comin'
out to do their thing again

because they rocked,
all right?

So, comin' to
the stage from my hometown.

This is his second time
on the Def Comedy Jam

and when he was here
last time, well,

he made sure y'all
didn't fuck with him.

Because he has
some shit with him.

Yo, give it up
from Washington DC.

My man, Royale.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Wassup? Wassup?

Y'all all right?

It's good to be
back in New York

but, you know,
New York ain't...

Ain't changed
a bit, man.

Last time I was here,
there was crazy shit goin' on.

This time I came up,
a guy tried to take my money out of my pocket.

No bullshit. I had my
money hangin' out of my pocket a little bit.

It was a $100
bill, too. That's... You know, like...

Like you, brother,
if you have some

money hangin' out
your pocket. I say,

"Hey, man, you got
some money hangin' out your pocket."

You know what I'm sayin'?

Like, if I had money
hangin' out my pocket,

would you try
to take it?

All right. Now,
that's a good bro.

And would you...
Would you try to take...

You look like
a thief. Fucked up.

That nigger look
broke as shit.

Oh, man.

Thieves, man.

New York ain't changed.

That's why I say
if New York ain't changed,

why should I
change, right?

All right.
That's what I say.

If New York
ain't changed.

Why should I
motherfuckin' change?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Now... Now, see...
I play with the gun and shit,

but I'm gonna
take y'all back in the day to...

To whenever...
You didn't need guns and shit.

You guys ever
hear somethin' now to remind you of

somethin' that you
knew about when you was younger?

And the first thing it
make you go is what?

Ooh, yeah.

Ooh, yeah.

You guys ever
hear somethin' like that now?

Hold up. On three,
I want everybody

in here to go,
"Ooh, yeah."

All right?

One, two, three.

AUDIENCE:
Ooh, yeah.

Like, remember
when you was little,

how nobody in
your family

wanted to make
a sandwich with the heel of the bread?

That piece of bread
that looked like your hand?

It's dark on this side,
light on this side.

You be reachin'
like four or five slices down in that bread bag

to get two good
slices of bread.

Yo. Hold up.
Hold up. Yo.

I know all y'all
gonna know this shit 'cause this

the Def Comedy Jam
crowd and I know all y'all gonna know this shit.

Remember the summer
of 1976 when your favorite song came on the radio

and you could...
Oh, man, you could sing it

'cause you knew
all the words?

Wasn't it
Boogie Nights?

Yo. Hold. Hold.
Hold. Hold. Hold.

Yo, hold up.
Remember...

How many? Yo,
remember the...

The game used
to come on Sunday...

The football game
used to come on Sunday?

And everybody used
to go outside after the game went off

and play football
in the street?

Wadn't it always
one nigger in the huddle talkin' about,

"Yeah... Yeah...

"Hit me with
the long bomb."

Fella. Wasn't it
always one nigger...

You be down in the dirt
with the sticks and rocks and shit.

Like, "Little Mo,
that's you right here, right?

"You on the end, yo.

"Just do five
in the crawl."

"Look... Look, man...
Man, stay short.

"You know you
always goin' long."

And you get out
on the line and it never fails.

You yell, "Hike."

And this nigger's goin'.

You know, he's goin'...
He's goin' for the long bomb,

you know, and when
you playin' football in the street...

You forget there's
cars and trucks and shit out there,

you know, but
this brother, he's goin'...

You gotta look
back for what, 10 to 15 minutes?

This brother slammed
into this van we was playin' one day.

Went down like one
of them cartoons

and came back to
the huddle like this.

"Y'all be careful.
They got a van on they side."

The long bomb.

And when the fellas
was playin' football...

When the fellas was
playin' football, what was the girls doin'?

They was either
cheerleadin' or doin' what?

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Double Dutch.Oh, my goodness.

Yo, by a round
of applause,

how many females have
ever jumped double dutch in their life?

Yo, wasn't it one
fat girl turnin' like this?

[ALL LAUGHING]

She couldn't
jump for shit,

but she could
turn like a motherfucker.

And then when
shit got serious, she put the...

The rope around
her waist.

Remember that shit?

And then there was...

It never failed.
There was always one potential fag ass

guy over there
jumpin' with them.

He didn't want
to play football with the guys...

But he was over there
jumpin' double dutch like this.

Oh, oh, my God.

Fuck, I ain't gotta play
football with y'all.

Y'all keep turnin', girl.

And then there was always
one little girl who could jump like shit.

And the big girls didn't
want them to play...

Jump with her,
so what did they do?

Turn fast on her.

You know, they be like this.

"Come on, Keisha. Come on."

She ain't care
if she go anyway.

Then shit got real serious,
she'd step on the rope.

Yo, my name's Royale.
You guys been a lot of fun.

Yo, Royale, give it up.

All right.

Comin' to the stage from
Los Angeles, California,

and you can see her
in John Singleton's new movie, Poetic Justice,

give it up for my girl.

'Cause everybody's
my man or my girl when I introduce 'em,

but they are good people
and I love 'em.

Give it up for Yvette Wilson.

Hey, how y'all doin'?

All right, 1993.

Happy New Year, y'all.

I got my new look.
Cut my hair off.

This is my do 'do.

That means when I do it,
my 'do is still right.

Okay, see,
you gotta be versatile

and in '93, I'm
a low-maintenance woman.

'Cause, ladies,
how many times, like, on a Saturday morning,

you with your man.

Y'all snuggled and you're
like, "Oh, schnooky, you know I love you."

And he try
to jump up out the bed,

"Look here, Yvette,
I'm gonna run to the store.

"I know it's gonna take
you too long to get ready. I'll be back."

I'm like,
"Uh-uh, nigger, uh-uh.

"Ain't nobody leavin' nobody.
Give me the brush."

Ain't nobody leavin'
nobody in '93.

You know what I'm
talkin' about, ladies.

Shoot. How you doin'?

Yeah, I'm talkin' to you.

Okay. You just smilin'.
You lookin' at me like you want to eat me up.

Shit, you must plan
on gettin' full 'cause this ain't no snack.

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah.

Matter of fact, it's more
like a smorgasbord.

You better bring your friend.

Ooh, I like it out here,
though. The men look good.

It's kind of scary sometimes.

Especially when you go
to the club, girl.

You ever go to the club
and you see that man you want to get with?

And you're like,
[HISSES] "Damn."

But you're scared to
take him home 'cause he might be [WHISPERS] short.

You know what I mean.
[WHISPERS] Short.

Ladies, I got a surefire way
at the club if you wanna know.

How do we get the right man?
Y'all want to know?

WOMEN: Yeah!

I thought so.

So, what you have to do
is you have to roll up on 'em

just like they roll up
on women.

[SNIFFS]

Tsk. Come on, boy.

Take that hand.
Take 'em out to the dance floor.

We can do this. Come on.

Take him out there.
Dance with him.

"Hey, you look good. Go, boy.

"Hey!"

Then you pop that question
to him, girls. You say,

"Hey, let me see your dick."

Now, the average man
will go, "Huh?"

Don't let that throw you.
Keep that confidence.

Just ask him again,

"Take your dick out."

'Cause you know,
ladies, nothin' worse.

You have your good shit on
'cause you can't keep wearin' that to the club, right?

And you got your good stuff
on and you goin' to make love and you're happy,

and he start
takin' them clothes off

and you like,
"Get to the drawers, get to the..."

Damn.

"How old did you
say you was, baby?"

Y'all know what I'm talkin'
about, don't you?

Don't you?

Girl, yes, but see,
what's wrong is now they...

Ladies, we not askin'
for what we want.

You need to start...
It's '93.

I want you to say it.
"'93, it's about me."

Come on, ladies.AUDIENCE: '93, it's about me.

It's got to be.

'Cause people just be couples
for a long time. This you?

This you, right here,
y'all a couple?

She like, "No, don't
put that nigger on me."

Well, do you ask your
man for what you want?

You know, do you? You know...
[SMACKS LIPS]

You know
what I'm talkin' about.

[SMACKS LIPS]

You makin' me nervous.
You don't [SMACKS LIPS], do ya?

You got to start
askin' these men.

Just come out to him,

like, "Look, I need..."

"Can you help
me out?" You know.

And they'll...you know,
don't fall for this,

[IN DEEP VOICE]
"I don't know how to do it, baby."

That's bullshit.

If you gotta teach him,
start off with somethin' simple like the alphabet.

A.

B.

C.

Shit, soon you can say,
"Spell my name."

You got to start askin'
for what you want.

Just the other night
I'm makin' love, y'all,

I got it goin' on wrong.
What's really goin' on?

Because he was quiet.
I don't like that.

So, I decided to ask
for what I want. I said,

[SIGHS] "He's tired. Hey!

"Why don't you talk to me?"

[IN DEEP VOICE]
"Uh, what you want me to say, Yvette?"

I said, "You better
think of somethin'.

"You'll be sayin' goodnight
in this motherfucker."

That's all he needed
'cause he showed up.

That ego kicked in.

Pop. "Yeah, uh-huh." Pop.

"You like that shit,
don't you?

"Yeah, it good
to your ass, huh?"

I said, "Hell, yeah.
That shit is good."

I got happy, y'all,

I snatched his ass. I said,
"I take it from here, nigger.

"Hey, say my name.
Say my name."

Good night. Thanks.

Yvette Wilson.

Yvette Wilson.
Give her another round of applause.

Girl.

Take it from me.

All right. Yo. Okay.
Comin' to the stage from New York City.

He was the voice of
Robin Harris in Bebe's Kids.

He's a very funny brother.
Give it up for Faizon.

Who's in the
motherfuckin' house?

AUDIENCE: Faizon!

Who's in the
motherfuckin' house?

AUDIENCE: Faizon!

Silly motherfuckers.

Let me tell y'all somethin'.

Some of y'all men know,
some of y'all men don't know.

Bitches ain't shit.

AUDIENCE: Ooh.

Ooh, my ass.

I know. [WHISPERS]
"Oh, don't be so...

"Don't be sayin',
'bitches ain't shit,'

"Mr. Fat Boy."

I'm fat.

So?

I can deal with it.

Only thing I don't like
about me bein' fat is my sexual, you know.

Right now I can get about
a good three minutes of good fucking.

But it's a good three minutes.

It's like, "Shit, you don't
know how to fuck you, motherfuck, shit, mother."

[PANTING]

[GROANS]

Oh, shit. Walk it off.
Walk it off.

Then, if you do find
a good woman, you know,

everybody fuckin' around.
You can't get married.

Everybody fuckin' around.
My friend caught his wife fuckin' around,

but you know, he in love.
He's stupid.

He want to keep her.

"Man, I love her.

"She good for me.

"We do nice things together."

You're stupid.

She... He caught her
fuckin' around

and, you know, she got
to explain her side of the story,

"I need to let you
know why."

She told this motherfucker...

"It just happened."

And he was like, "You know,
some things can just happen."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

And I'm goin' to tell y'all
what I couldn't tell him.

You may just happen

to slip and fall.

You can just happen to wear
a fucked-up outfit.

Just happen to get shot.
Just happen to win the motherfuckin' lottery.

But you cannot
just happen to get fucked.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

You can't just walk
outside "But...oh, shit. God."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"I done slipped
in some pussy.

"Who left this pussy
right here?

"I'll be God..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"Someone goin' be leavin'
a pussy out like that.

"Somebody can get hurt."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

It's gettin' to the
point now,

you know, you...
You can't trust your woman,

you can't trust your man.
You gotta put a alarm on your girl.

Some of you women may
have to put an alarm on your man.

You know them alarms.
Most of you brothers... Guys...you get out

the car, you know, make
sure there are a lot of motherfuckers hangin' around.

[IMITATES CAR ALARM]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

[IMITATES CAR ALARM]

You gonna have to put
one on your girl. Say,

"Listen, baby, I love you.
I'm about to leave town for a couple of days.

"There's some food in the
refrigerator. Give me a kiss."

[IMITATES CAR ALARM][AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Have a light blinkin' on
her forehead.

Somebody try to fuck her.
[IMITATES ALARM]

Back away from the pussy.

You are too close
to the pussy.[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Yo! I'm Faizon.
I'm fine...

[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

Yo, give it up for
Faizon, very funny brother, very funny.

Comin' to the stage is a
very, very funny brother.

Last time he was on
here he rocked, all right.

You gonna be seein' a
lot of this brother. Give it up for my man,

Reggie McFadden.

[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

Wassup?

How y'all doin' tonight?
Everyone looks so good.

I just happen to be...
I just took the A train here, man.

I just barely made it.

There's a lot of crazy
people in the subway

and sometimes
you can be sittin' next to somebody crazy

and don't know they crazy.

You know, 'cause they'll be
they're normal, like this.

And then, all of a sudden
they just stand up and go,

"I feel like killing
everybody right here."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

You know,
and New Yorkers are cool

'cause we won't get up.
We just move over a little bit, like, "Okay."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I'm sittin' next to
the crazy man.[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

As long as he don't
touch me, we fine.[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

[CHUCKLES] You know, and then
the homeless people be gettin'

on my nerves. I...
No, no, I like homeless people.

I give to homeless people.

You know, I don't mind
somebody askin' me for money.

But just don't try
to entertain me.[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

You know, I hate that
shit, you know.

If you're goin' to be
homeless just stand there and go,

"Excuse me, can I have
some change?" you know.

You know, don't be jumpin'
out the bushes like, "Yea."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Come on, man!

Come on, if you don't give
me no money,

he be followin' you,
"Come on, man."

[IMITATES LAUGH]

[CHUCKLES] I... I was this.

Earlier when I was on
the train, I saw this brother

standin' there with, like,
three beepers on his waist.

Three beepers. I bet he
doesn't know how to use them.

Probably walkin'
around all day like, "Beep.

"Hello? Hello?"[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"Hey, whoever this is,
you better stop it."[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"This shit ain't
funny. Call and not sayin' nothin'."

Yeah, they... They got
them new beepers out, the SkyPagers.

You seen these?

You could actually see the
message, you know.

A lot of drug dealers
be buyin' them, you know,

even the
ones who can't read.

They'll be on the corner.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"Call...

"Call... [STAMMERS]
Call..."

Me...

Me.[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Call me.

Call me.

Hey, I got the message.[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

[CHUCKLES] Hey, wherever
you're at, man. I'm gonna call you."

That joke is so stupid.[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I see a lot of couples
here tonight, a lot of married couples here.

I love women, though.
I love women.

I love women, but I always
meet, like, weird women.

You know what I'm sayin'?
I always them women in the clubs

that want me to buy
them drinks.

Ever meet them?

You can tell it too
when you try to talk to 'em.

You know,
like, "Hey, baby, how you doin'?"

And she's like,
"Aah..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

And I'm like, "You better
take care of that throat.

"It's gonna be one
beer for me, please."

Look, either...
Either I meet dumb women

or women who, like,
live in the projects and shit, you know.

I always meet
them. Ain't nothin' wrong with them.

But every time women...
When women live in the projects,

every time they get out
of their car they say the same thing...

They get outta their
car, they go, "Don't drive away

"until I get inside my house."[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

You know, like if somebody
out there,

I'm gonna get outta my car.[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Shit.

You know, I might roll down
the window, you know, like,

"Hey man, don't be
doin' that to her."

[IMITATES ENGINE SOUND]

I guess I won't be
seein' her again.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Listen, that's my time,
ladies and gentlemen. Peace out.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Yo, Reggie McFadden.
Give it up.[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Now we gonna bring this
thing to a close with my man,

Russell Simmons,
come on up here.

Butter neck.

Come on, Russell.

It's bad enough...
What do you feel about the people, Russell?

Thanks for comin' out.
God bless you. Goodnight.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

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