Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

KID CAPRI: It's the Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.

Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for my main man,

Mr. Martin Lawrence.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Yeah!

Wassup?[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Oh, y'all come out for these damn Def Jamsagain, don't y'all?

Thank you.

This is where we present all the best young black...

All right, all the best young comedians all over the world.

You know all the white people going,

[IN AMERICAN ACCENT] "Why does it have to be black?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"We ain't seen none on this motherfuckin' show."

[NORMAL ACCENT] I'm just having a lot of fuckin' fun, man.

Now I gotta get these brothers that keep rollin' up on me,

askin' me questions about Hollywood.

Yes, Hollywood is Hollywood but you can't get...

Go follow that shit, you'll be fucked up.

Brothers keep runnin' on me, "You fuckin' all them girls in Hollywood, man?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Brothers asking dumb questions,

they don't even know they asking that shit.

Stopping you, "Bro, come here for a minute.

"Man, you fucking any of them Envoguebitches, man?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And there's people... People try to come up to me like I've changed.

You know, it's people that changed on you.

Friends that you thought you had,

you know, that was cool with you.

They... You could just say, "What's up?" to them

and they go... "Oh! Oh, nigga, it's like that?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"I ain't wanna touch your vibe."

That's what a brother told me,

"I ain't wanna fuck with your vibe.

"I see you have your people with you."

'Cause you know, I walk with buddies now.

You know, I have friends and people say it's security.

But, you know, I have to have security sometimes.

There's some crazy motherfuckers out here.

Brothers be rolling up on you.

They mean well, but they just don't know what they doing to you.

Brothers just...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I had a motherfucker, y'all, come up to me in the airport.

Called me...

"Hey!"

"You the Def Comedyman?"

I said, "Yeah." He come up.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I'm like, "What the fuck you want, man?"

I ain't trippin' off nothin', I'm just havin' a good time.

And you guys have always been a good audience.

And these comics that come out for you,

they're coming out 'cause they're expressing themselves.

These are brothers that are in the neighborhood

and they letting the shit out,

they bloatin' it out for you.

You know, and you made it possible.

Hi, white lady in the back.

I see ya. You didn't think I'd see ya.

How you doing? Are you with a brother?

You with a black man? Yeah, you! Yes, you!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Why do white people never sit up front,

we're not gonna bother y'all. Huh?

They wouldn't let me sit in front.

They wouldn't let you sit up front? Come here.

I'm gonna show you. I'm gonna show America what's going on.

Hi, America. Come on up here, come on.

You're gonna be on TV.[CHUCKLES]

Look at the camera...

...and say to all of the white people all over America...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]Say it.

Say, "I love Def Comedy Jam and you can love it too."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Say it, talk to your people, come on.

All right, go ahead and sit down.

Got some ass for you, too, next time you come.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[LAUGHS]

Oh, I'm just... I'm just playin' with you.

Stop it! Stop. Hey. Hey, hey.

I'm just playin'.

I'm just joking. 'Cause you know white people lookin' at this

gonna be at home going, [AMERICAN ACCENT] "See, he didn't have to...

"Fucking nigger didn't have to do that.

"He didn't have to fucking...

"Turn the fucking channel!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[NORMAL ACCENT] Just joking.

But you know it's true. I mean...

It ain't y'all fault. Y'all don't have ass, white people don't have ass.

Remember Michael Douglas?

Did anybody see Basic Instinct?AUDIENCE: Yeah.

He had the nerve to go butt naked.

And walking around talking about...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Ass looked like somebody hit him with a book bag, didn't it?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Black people, we have ass.

When women... When we make love to our ladies, they grip ass.

Like this.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Come on, nigga, do your shit."

So, yo, y'all keep that energy going.

Coming to the stage, this is the second time on the show,

'cause last time he was here, he just rocked.

He rocked. He was ready to show his ass to the world,

but we told him to keep his pants up. But I don't know.

This is my man though, very funny brother.

Give it up for... Everybody's my man... [LAUGHS]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You know what I'm saying, I got a lot of friends. [LAUGHS]

No, this is my man. Give it up for my man, Chriss Charles.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Can I get an "ah-yeah"?AUDIENCE: Ah-yeah.

See now, I had this problem last time.

Can I get a motherfuckin' ah-yeah?

AUDIENCE: [LOUDLY] Ah-yeah.

Damn, that's all a nigga want.

I just wanted an ah-yeah.

What's up, black? How you doin'?

You look like you'd rob a motherfucker in a minute.

Look at this... I don't trust, man, black people...

Actually I'm from the '70s. I remember, man, when people would at least wait

until you parked your shit and break into your car, right?

You know what I mean?

Thieves are lazy. They wait until you get your shit warmed up.

You can't even stop at a light

and then you get your motherfucker...

[STUTTERING] "Get out the car."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Fuck you, nigga, go on please. Shit.

That's fucked up, we need to go back to some basic shit.

We all fucked up in the mind.

It's this music. Records are getting us fucked up, man.

I don't even like listening to music no more.

I can't stand it. I used to love Sade,

but that bitch is so depressing,

you'd fucking cut your wrists listening to one of her albums, man.

Sade... And you know what. I... I started checking out...

See, that's why I smoke weed.

'Cause I notice shit when I smoke weed. You know what?

You know, I noticed. Ah, motherfuckin', yeah. Check this out.

I noticed there ain't never been no black men in none of Sade's videos.

Always white men.

Now the bitch is a mermaid. Did you check that out? She's a fucking mermaid.

She's all depressed in the bottom of the fucking ocean.

She gets out the ocean, chasing this white man across the...

I hope the bitch trip and drown, fuck her.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

See, 'cause that kind of shit gets the women confused.

Like Mary J. Blige going around singing, Real Love.

What the fuck is real love?

See, y'all always asking niggas for some shit you know we can't give you.

'Cause we don't comprehend what's...

I can ask any woman up in here what real love is,

she won't be able to tell me.

What's real love? You don't know. You're like,

"If I knew what real love is, I wouldn't be with this bitch."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

What's real love?

It's when you love somebody.

"It's when you love..." What the...

Get out.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

That ain't got shit to do to do with real... "When you love somebody."

That's... I should hit you with this damn stand.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I'll tell you what used to be motherfuckin' real love.

See, I don't believe in love.

I used to believe in love, but love is like a high.

Love will cut out on your ass when you're having the best...

When you start having fun, love is gone.

Smoking a joint and police roll up on you, the high is gone.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

That's how fucking love is, man.

Love don't stick around for you motherfucker...

Love will trick your ass into giving up some shit

and in a minute, it's just gone.

Fuck that. I'd rather have a girl that can fuck me good

than give me some real love.

And give me some head. That's all I want.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Can I get an ah-yeah, brother? You know it...

[INDISTINCT TALKING]

See the thing is,

I believe that...

See, I like giving head to women.

My thing is, if I do you, you should be able to do me.

That's called recycling. What's wrong with that?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

And don't be experimenting down up in here,

if you don't know what you're doin'.

Don't be sittin' there reading Essence and Cosmopolitan

and be telling them shit to do

that's supposed to be erotic.

Like suckin' on the balls. You don't suck on no balls.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Who told you suckin' on the balls felt good?

That's why they got wrinkles. So they can hang, hang.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Oh, you may go down there and blow... [BLOWING]

But you don't... [SUCKING] Ah!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Have a brother walking home like a crab.

They don't do that. No.

And you gotta be careful with your shit.

You gotta be careful. You have to practice safe sex.

You just can't be lackadaisical about it no more

like we used to be back in the day.

You gotta practice safe sex.

There are a few ways that brothers and sisters can practice safe sex.

One, talk to the sisters. Sisters.

Don't be afraid to take out the dick, the penis, whatever. Look at it.

Put it in the light, say, "Hey."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Sniff it. [SNIFFS]

If it smell like booty, something wrong with his motherfucker.

Give it the flex test.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

If it don't spring back, something's wrong with it.

Same thing, fellas. You gotta practice safe sex,

'cause there's stuff out there knockin' brothers out.

Do you know how you can do that?

Simple. Go in the room,

be a man, beat on your chest,

kick down the door and tell her,

"Spread 'em out, get 'em up."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You don't wanna get that smell on you,

'cause if you fuck around and get that shit on you,

cats will be following your ass home.

[IMITATES CAT PURRING]

You gotta ask questions. 'Cause sometimes you may have a cold

and your senses would be kinda messed up.

You gotta ask the woman, "When's the last time you made love?"

She'll always tell you six months, they always lyin'.

You know how you can catch 'em?

Yeah, you ever been in a real tight space? There's no echo or nothin'?

You been in a real, open space and shit echo. Just be... "Hey!"

About six months, you're telling the truth.

But if you yell up in there, "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,

"hey, hey! What up!"

[LAUGHING]

Yo, my name is Chriss Charles. Peace.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Kid Capri.

Give him a round of applause, my man, Kid Capri.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUD]

You changed, man.

Success didn't go to your head, did it, Kid Capri?

'Cause you blew up.

And the world knows that now.

You are Kid Capri.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Better not be doing no show in no cape and no shit like that.

[MARTIN CHUCKLES]

Coming to the stage. This brother... Every time I...

The one thing I like about this brother is...

Anything... You talk about persistence

and somebody working out,

and it's a lot of comments and people say that they wanna...

They wanna make it in this business

and they wanna grow to be big or whatever.

And no matter what, anything you do,

it takes hard work. You gotta work at it, work at it.

And every time I see this brother, he's out in the clubs,

just tyrin', tryin', working hard, working hard.

And he's getting better and better, makin' them laugh.

So I know you're gonna enjoy the brother,

cause he's from Los Angeles, California.

So give it up for D'Militant.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Well, assalam-alaikum.

AUDIENCE: Walaikum-assalam.

Hello, brothers, sisters and the rest of ya.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

So, it's 1993 and we got a new president.

I don't trust him.

I don't trust any man that says he smoked dope but didn't inhale.

That's like a punk sayin' he sucked dick and didn't swallow.

See, Clinton needs to take care of the situation in the hood,

'cause you can't go nowhere.

I was out 6:00 a.m. the other morning,

here come a damn panhandler

talking about, "Excuse me, brother,

"can you give me some money so I can get something to eat?"

I'm like, "Motherfucker, if you wasn't up so early

"you wouldn't need nothin' to eat.

"Get your ass back in that box."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And then you got motherfuckers walking across the street

like they got an airbag up in their ass.

See, when the light turns green, I'm ready to drive a militant mobile.

I don't got time for no shithead in an intersection

talking about, "Yeah, punk, that's right.

"I'ma take my time and if you hit me, I'll sue."

Shit, not if I hit you hard enough.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Oh, the drivers are worse,

'cause coming up here tonight, some Asian comes slamming into my car.

Cool, new wave Chinaman. Got out.

"Oh!

"Oh, that's fucked up, black soul brother, yo, yo."

Ridin' around, eyes so tight you can blindfold 'em with speaker wire.

But the main problem the black man got is racism.

And to me, racism's bullshit 'cause it's hypocritical.

Now check this shit out.

You got white boys that hate black people but they fuckin' black women.

Brothers can't stand white folks strokin' white girls.

Shit's so crazy you could have people come from Mars,

everybody could hate 'em.

But I bet you my last bean pie,

somebody's gonna fuck one of them green bitches.

[LAUGHING]

Yeah, racism's crazy. They give us these bullshit role models to look up to.

Confused motherfuckers like Michael Jackson,

talking about black or white, black or white.

That fucker look like chalk.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Shit, man, I'm telling ya,

we've been hoodwinked, bamboozled, led astray.

Sisters charging brothers up.

I went out to a club the other night,

fine little honey asked me to buy her a drink.

She had a big ass, so I did it.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Now, the drink get there and she talkin' about,

"I hope you don't mind, but I'd like to be left alone."

Ain't that a bitch?

Oh, I didn't argue with her.

I just drank her drink and left. "See ya."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

'Cause I can't afford to get charged.

Being a militant ain't paying too well these days.

Uh, dashiki sales are down like a motherfucker.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Besides, you gotta be careful who you're fucking with anyway,

'cause you got all these diseases going around.

And what bothers me is they blame diseases on the black man.

Talking about, [BRITISH ACCENT] "Oh, it was Haitians.

"They were fucking monkeys."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[NORMAL ACCENT] Man, that's bullshit.

I'ma tell y'all from personal experience,

monkeys don't let you get close enough to fuck.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And I love fuckin'.

Cause I love sisters.

'Cause sisters go through a lot of trouble to look good for brothers.

I mean, hair, nails, make-up, clothes.

Go out looking for a halfway decent guy...

Who's the first one to hit on you, ladies?

Musty man!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Brothers gonna be all in your face,

"Hey, what's happening, baby? I'm musty man.

"And I don't fake the funk."

And musty man is one of these brothers with fucked-up dental work.

I'm talking about rows of teeth just spilling out their mouth.

Teeth just fighting for position.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Gotta be careful who you fucking with, fellas.

Women don't play no more.

In relationships, they get tired of your ass nowadays.

They drop you like it ain't shit!

Hell, they'll have their new boyfriend call and tell you it's over.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And they always gotta have a smart-ass comment.

'Cause I'm the kind of brother, man,

I like to talk shit while I'm fuckin'.

I'll be poppin' and talkin' about, "Whose is it, baby?

"Come on, now. Tell me now. Whose is it? Whose is it?"

[MOANS]

[FEMININE VOICE] "You don't know him."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[NORMAL ACCENT] I'm D'Militant, talk with you next time.

[MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Give him another round of applause. Yo!

[MUSIC STOPS]

Michael Jackson, if you're watching Def Comedy Jam,

I know you're thinking everybody's messing with ya.

We're not. We love you, Michael.

But stop using them kids, Michael.

What the fuck ever happened to Webster, huh?

You had him under your arm. Where is he now?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You done put him down to the side and took Macaulay Culkin.

We want Webster back, man.

Don't Michael do that shit?

Little kids and then they don't...

When they grow... That's it, they gone.

And now Webster's on crack some-goddamn-where.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

So, yo, y'all keep that energy going.

Coming to the stage, from Detroit, Michigan.

He's living in Washington, D.C., my hometown,

Maryland, that whole nine, coming home to ya.

Coming to the stage, give it up for my man, Bill Hill.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

[MUSIC STOPS]

Wassup, wassup, New York?

I got one thing to say first.

Peace out to Thurgood Marshall, y'all, on the real tip.

For real.[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

No shit, man, they getting us.

One more thing.

Give it up for getting George Bush the fuck out the White House.

See ya!

See ya! You outta there.

Bam, nigga.

I voted for Bill Clinton. I can do my thing.

Bill Clinton in the house.

But I'm going to hell.

[INHALES SHARPLY]

Fuck what you heard.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Def Jam,they said I could go hard.

Wassup, man? We fucking up yo.

The black race...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

...we fuckin' up.

I'm sayin', you ever see

niggas always talking about the white man.

"The white man owe me."

What the fuck he owe us, man?

He gave us welfare. What'd we do?

Commit welfare fraud.

Ain't that a bitch?

Can I borrow your kid, and a social security card?

Foul. Niggas foul.

Women, y'all shouldn't even fuck with us no more 'cause we foul.

Niggas foul, all we want is some pussy.

[INHALES SHARPLY] I'ma tell you...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

This that Jamaica funk here.

That Grand Poobah shit.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I'ma tell you, this is how you know a nigga foul, right?

Nigga with a beeper and ain't got no car.

That's a foul nigga.

He's foul, man.

Then you page the nigga.

He'd be like, "I ain't called you back 'cause you didn't put no code in."

Ain't that a bitch?

"You a triple agent or somethin', motherfucker?"

Then you page a nigga, "Where you at, man?"

"At home."

"Give me your home number, you fool."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Niggas fuckin' up, man. You see niggas...

Niggas got nice clothes, a car and shit, jewelry.

Go over their house, the first three steps are all broke up.

That's a foul nigga, man.

Foul.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

This weed, shit's a motherfucker.

You know what? It's always a nigga wanna talk to you

when he's smoking the weed though, ain't it?

Nigga's hittin' the joint talking about,

"Wassup?

"You go to work today?

"Oh, I had to call in, right, 'cause, like, you know, shit just ain't goin' on

"the way I want it to go on, you know?"

Then smoke weed with girls, right?

They smoke the joint. Hit the joint one time, talking about,

[FEMININE VOICE] "I'm higher than a motherfucker.''

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[NORMAL ACCENT] You ain't high, baby, don't sweat on me.

I ain't tryin' to hit that shit.

Peace out, I'm Bill Hill, y'all.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Give him a round of applause, Bill Hill.[MUSIC STOPS]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Was that a real joint he was smoking?

That was a real joint?

Oh, man, let me hit that.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

This brother coming out on the stage,

this is the first brother I've ever seen do an impression of me.

And so... But I couldn't get mad

'cause it's a compliment, I guess, for somebody to do that.

So, very funny, coming to you from Irvington, New Jersey.

Yo, give it up for my man, Kool Bubba Ice.

[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC STOPS]

Wassup, y'all?

I said wassup?

AUDIENCE: Wassup!

All right, God damn it.

Now, how many of y'all have got robbed before?

I got robbed a couple weeks ago around my own area.

I got robbed by a guy who sounded just like

Homer Simpson from The Simpsons.

I'm walking down the street just chillin', minding my business.

Hey, ooh.

[AS HOMER] "Hey, buddy, got a light?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[NORMAL ACCENT] "No, man. Not on me, why?"

[AS HOMER] "Good, this is a stick-up.

"Give me your fucking money. Give it up, give it up.

"Marge, Marge, Marge!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Check him, Marge, check him. Marge, check him."

[AS MARGE] "Oh, Homer, he doesn't have any money."

[AS HOMER] "I said check him anyway."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND CHEERING]

[NORMAL ACCENT] And if that weren't bad enough, the cops came.

And the cop sounded like Al Bundy from Married with Children.

And I'm like, "Damn, man, he busted my grill,

"took my money. Can you do something?"

[AS AL BUNDY] "Now, look here, Bubba.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Look likes your ass outta all your goddamn money.

"So, don't fuck with me, I got enough problems."

[NORMAL ACCENT] So, then I get home and my house all wrecked up

'cause I got a dog and a cat, and they never get along

because, you know, they both be getting their heat, right.

And my dog acts like Richard Pryor

and my cat acts like Tony Montana from Scarface.

And they was in heat one night and the house is a wreck,

I said, "Hey! What the hell happened?

"Tony, what happened, man? You the cat, what's up, huh?"

[AS TONY] "Let me tell you something, man.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"I sit in front of the television

"eating my Tender Vittles,

"and all of a sudden this big fucking dog comes behind me

"and tried to get me in the ass.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"I don't play that shit, baby.

"I'm the pussy cat, okay?

"Who put this shit together, huh? Me!

"I'm the pussy cat, huh!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

"Do you wanna fuck with me? You wanna fuck with me?

"You make a move.

"But yo..."

[LAUGHS][AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[NORMAL ACCENT] I said, "All right, man, you had your piece.

"Richard, what happened?"

[AS RICHARD] "Now this is what happened, motherfucker,

"I'm trying to get some pussy, right?

"Motherfucker just actin' like a motherfuckin' fool,

"tryin' to get the motherfuckin' ass and tits."

[INDISTINCT TALKING]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

[CHEERING]

[NORMAL ACCENT] But yo.

Right about now,

I'ma do the ultimate impersonation.

The ultimate.

Check this out.

Ladies and gentlemen, let's put your hands together for the Def Comedy Jam,

the Kid Capri

and your host, Mr. Martin Lawrence!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

[AS MARTIN] "Yo, mama!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Just pussy, just layin' on there. Just pussy.

[LAUGHS]

"Comin' to the stage...

"...here's my boy from D.C. [CHUCKLES]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"But yo, I wanna thank who put all this together.

"Thank you to my homeboy Russell Simmons. Come on out, Russell."

[AS RUSSELL] "Thanks for coming out. See you next week."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[NORMAL ACCENT] Peace. Bye-bye.

[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Oh![MUSIC STOPS]

Yo, give a round of applause.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

So yo, that's our show for this evening,

let me bring my man Russell Simmons up.

Come on, Scooby.

Russell got on the butter jacket.

What that mean, Russell, the butter?

Just means it's cool, it's smooth.

Put the cards in. Thank you.

Thanks for coming out. God bless you. Good night.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING]

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