Original subtitles

KID CAPRI: It's the Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Ladies and gentlemen,

put your hands together for my main man,

Mr. Martin Lawrence!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[AUDIENCE CHANTING] Go Martin, go Martin, go Martin, go Martin.

No, this is not dance-a-thon.

Wassup?

That's right, we're motherfuckin' back.

Give my man Kid Capri a round of applause.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Came to say hello to the people.

How you doin', girl?

All right, I ain't gonna fuck with you.

We got some people in the house that I like to acknowledge,

'cause I want to thank them for coming out.

Just like I want to thank you, the fans,

personally for supporting my show,

Martin,and everything else, for coming out. Thank you.

We got Pete Rock

and C.L. Smooth back there.

Got my man over here Flavor Flav, look at him.

MARTIN: Give it up for Flavor Flav.

I know, ain't nobody like Flavor Flav. Look,

all right, nigger, sit yo ass down, this my show.

[MARTIN LAUGHING][INAUDIBLE]

You can't...

Flav, you can't fuck with me on the mic, man.

Flav, sit down, man.

All right, you crazy, but I'm crazy, too, motherfucker.

MARTIN: Huh?

Crazy... Crazy, but I'm crazy, too.

Fuck that shit, Flav.

[LAUGHTER]

Flav's so ugly, roaches do like this,

"Daddy!"

[LAUGHTER]

[MARTIN LAUGHING]

Flav, sit down.

Yo, that's my man, Flav.

I'm fucking with you.

No, I'm serious, you...

Naw, I'm fucking with Flav 'cause he came...

He came up in the room, the dressing room,

before we did the show and say,

"Hey, I'm out there." You know, I want to acknowledge my man.

[LAUGHING] So...

Now, next time you come walk in,

Flav, thinking about,

Flav might come on the show one day and have him do something.

Would ya'll like that? Wanna see Flav do a show?

Now, you hear what they said.

MARTIN: Yeah, feels so good.

Wassup, brother? Brother the Mac,

give the Mac a round of applause in the back right there.

He chillin' like a motherfucker, too.

That's right, man, God damn it,

I'm proud to be black.

I fucking love being black.

Everything we do, we smooth with our shit.

You know a lot of white people watch Def Jam.

Tell 'em, tell 'em, white people,

we proud to be black.

That's right.

We proud of Kunta Kinte, we all that shit.[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Everything we do, we walk smooth.

Everything we do, we just cool.

5 grand, motherfucker.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

White people can't help it,

they just jipper. Just...

You guys can't help it. And you're sittin' up there,

you didn't think I see you.[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I saw your ass.

How y'all doin?

How'd you hear about the show?

[LAUGHTER]

Fuckin' how'd you hear about the show?

Fuckin' well.

Won't white people tell on you in a minute?

Them some tellin' motherfuckers.

Won't they?

That why they always taunt you,

black people, watch it.

That's how they get you in court.

They want you to hit them and shit.

"Come on, fuckin' hit me.

"Fuckin' hit me, come on.

"Right fuckin' here."

Soon as you hit 'em, bam.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"The nigger in the blue hat."

But we ain't gonna do that. We ain't goin' that route. We just coolin'.

We just happy to fuckin' be here.

This is comedy blackness at its, its finest.

Now, so y'all keep that energy going,

Flav. Chill out.

Keep that energy going

and give it up for my man from Brooklyn, New York.

Give it up for Cortez.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh man.

Glad to be back on the comedy scene.

Had to get away for a while.

Had to clear my head.

Had to get some fresh air.

I had to do a parole violation.

I'm tellin' you, when you in jail,

you ain't got no woman, man.

My woman came to see me one time

just to tell me she wasn't comin' back no motherfuckin' more.

Shit's fucked up.

I told my mother, I said, "Mama, I'm gonna be a comedian."

She said, "That's a good choice,

"your whole life's been one big joke."

Me and my mother never got along.

From the day I was born, the doctor brought me in,

I looked at her, she looked at me,

we both started crying.

She made me walk home from the hospital.

I was five years old, she sent me to the store.

When I got back, she had moved.

Shit's fucked up.

I come from a broken home.

The refrigerator was broke...

The stove was broke,

and my parents were broke.

I was on welfare so long,

my grandmother's picture's on food stamps.

[LAUGHTER]

We couldn't even take a family picture together.

'Cause every time the photographer said, "cheese,"

we all formed a line.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Shit's fucked up.

My house was so small, you sit in the kitchen,

your elbow be in the living room.

[LAUGHTER]

Shit's fucked up.

I had five brothers and one pair of pants.

I came outside every six days.

Shit's fucked up.

And forget about Christmas.

But my mother didn't want us to wake up

on Christmas Day with no toys.

So she gave us sleeping pills

on Christmas Eve.

We didn't wake up until January 4th.

I said, "Mommy, what happened to Christmas?"

She said, "You overslept."

Oh, shit's fucked up.

Shit's fucked up.

My fucked-up childhood made me fucked-up in school.

I was so dumb, they had to burn down the school

to get me out of third grade.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I failed Romper Room,

I didn't even know how to play with toys.

But I finally passed my GED test...

Thanks to the motherfucker sittin' next to me.

I cheated so much off his paper,

I put his name on my paper.

We got to one question, he wrote on his paper, "I don't know."

I wrote on my paper, "Me neither, motherfucker."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Shit's fucked up.

I met a bad girl, I mean this girl was bad,

this girl was bad.

And she walked up to me and she said,

"Listen here baby, I'm a... I'm a prostitute,

"and for $50,

"I'll give you a half-and-half."

I said, "I ain't got $50."

She said, "For $20, I'll give you

"a straight screw."

I said, "I ain't got $20."

She said, "Well, how much you got?"

I said, "I got $5."

"Okay," she said, "For $5, I'll give you a penguin blow job."

Penguin blow job?

For $5 you can't beat that shit.

So I said, "Babe, you know,

"I'll take the penguin blow job."

Shit. She took down my pants

and dropped them around my ankles.

She started massaging me and shit,

gettin' me all ready.

And right when she got ready to put it in her mouth,

she stepped off.

Ain't that some shit?

She just cold-blooded

stepped off and left me.

I said, "Baby, where you going?"

She said, "That's the penguin blow job."

I said, "What! Wait a minute,

"that shit's fucked up!"[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

My name is Cortez, peace.

I love you, ART!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Give him another round applause.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Better not give me no blow job and run off.

I kick you in your ass.

Stay there and suck a dick like a woman.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Confront the dick, talk to it.

That's how I like you to treat my dick.

Talk to it

and he talk back.

I wasn't blessed with a big dick. I know it, you know?

I was blessed with comedy.

What do you want me, to make you laugh or fuck you?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

That's my excuse this year when I go in a room with a women.

Hey,

you ever hear the one about when a dog walk into a bar?

All right, coming to the stage from my hometown

is a very funny young brother.

I had an interview on Teen Summer some years ago,

and a brother came on and he performed

and he was very funny and that's why he's here tonight.

So give it up for my man, David Edwards.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Wassup, y'all? Wassup? Make some noise! Wassup?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Y'all up in the house. This is my first time in New York City, man,

and something tripped me up, man.

I got in an argument with a gay cab driver.

Now, I'm not goin' do any gay bashing, you know, but...

'Cause I get along with everybody.

Black people, white people, Chinese people,

I get along with homosexuals.

I just can't argue with homosexuals

because, let's face it.

There's some things you can say

to a heterosexual in an argument that you just can't say

to a homosexual in an argument.

'Cause you'll get pissed off and say something like,

"Well, let me tell you something, man,

"you can just suck my...

"Damn."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"What was that? Huh, huh, what was that?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

"Say I won't, say I won't."

"Wait a minute, I bust yo ass."

"That's what I want."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Do what you gotta do, little man."

I'm sorry, man. I can't understand homosexuality.

I'm sorry, there's nothing like a woman. You know what I'm saying?

And I can't understand two guys laying in bed,

penises rock hard and just wrestling.

Talking about, "I love you, Jack."

"You too, Mike."

I'm sorry man, that's why I love my parents, man.

'Cause, my father, man, he show... My mother... My mother really showed me

what manhood was like. You know what I'm saying'?

And last week I went home and I caught my parents having sex.

And this was some nasty shit, all right?

You're not supposed to see this.

All right? And my father, he didn't even stop,

he just kept pounding away, man.

'Cause, you know, kids, we never knock on our parents' room,

we just walk right in.

And my dad loved the company. I walked in the room,

he was like, "Hey,

"close the door."

"Do what your daddy says."

"All right. All right."

"Hurry up, I feel a draft."

"All right, shit, I'm leaving."

See, I saw a different side to my mother.

I didn't know she could get that leg that high.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

My whole family's crazy, man.

I went home to see my grandfather.

For some strange reason, he's lost his mind.

He just sits around the house now and makes strange noises.

He was watching TV, I came downstairs, said

"Hey Grandaddy, whatcha doin?" He looked at me,

[CRACKLING GRUNT]

"Fuck wrong with your ass?"

[CRACKLING GRUNT]

"All right, calm your ass down, man, all right?"

And I figured out what happened.

'Cause he was married to my grandmother for, like, 150 years.

And one time, I was real little, I saw her taking a bath

and she had like four pair of breasts,

two stomachs and a partridge in a pear tree.

Every time she come near he say, [GRUNTING]

"Get yo ass away from me."

Then I had to go to church with my grandmother,

which is kind of cool 'cause she's Catholic.

And if anybody in the house Catholic,

y'all exercise your ass off.

You know, you go into a Catholic church it's like...

Fuck it.

All that exercise for that little-ass piece of bread

they give your ass, man.

Piss you off.

But there's only one religion I don't like.

It's not the religion, it's the people who serve it.

Like Jehovah Witnesses, you know what I'm talking about?

'Cause those people, like Freddie Kreuger and that Jason,

they won't take a no for an answer, all right?

You know, they knock on the door.

And this is your house, that you paid for.

You hear that knock on the door and you hide

in your own fuckin' house.

Right?

And scared, too. You hear that...

[KNOCKING] "All right, shh, nobody fuckin' move,

"nobody move!

"Shh, shh.

"Shut the fuck up!

[CRACKLING GRUNT] "Shut up, Grandaddy, shut up."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Fuck, they still knocking. Damn.

"All right, I'll go to the door.

"Oh shit, there's four of them. Fuck."

And they all sound like the SWAT team on top of trees on the cars.

"We know you in there, bring yo ass out.

"Boom-stickity-boom. We gonna be out here, motherfucker.

"Come on out."

Well, this is the '90s, y'all.

It's the '90s and I'm a young man and fellas,

if you having sex,

you gotta wear your condoms.

Fellas, you wearing your shit?

Yeah.

You better start wearing your shit,

you gonna see yo ass on the basketball court like this next week.

"Throw the ball man, throw the ball,

"ain't nothin' wrong man.

[COUGHING] "Throw the ball, man."

And I hate wearing condoms, man.

It's hard to put a condom on, isn't it, fellas?

Cause your penis got a mind of his own, right?

You trying to put this thing on,

he's like, "Look, I don't want this thing on my head,

"I don't want it on my head.

"All right, fuck you, I'm going down, I ain't coming back."

[CRACKLING GRUNT]

You know, and it's hard to put a condom on

'cause your penis goes limp, right?

And we still want this booty, right?

So like a little dead, jelly crippled hand now, right?

We still trying to put it in. We on the bed like...

[POUNDING]

And you hear the women laughing.

That's when they go to the telephone.

"Girl, you won't believe what this motherfucker trying to do over here.

"And he's still trying to put it in."

[POUNDING]

And ladies, I love giving foreplay.

I like kissing all over the body, man,

but as soon as you kiss their belly button

they be all start pushing our head down and shit, man.

You know what I'm talking about, fellas. You be, "Hey baby, what's up?

"Stop. Ah, fuck it, I'm goin' down, down, down, down."

And they be at it for days, months, hours, years at a time.

Reason why? 'Cause her leg is wrapped around your fuckin' head, like,

"You better not fuckin move or I snap your fuckin' neck.

"You better not fuckin' move. What, you trying to say something?"

[MUFFLED VOICE] "Yes, sweetheart, I can't breathe,

"Jesus Christ. Please let me up.

"I can't breathe, Jesus. Oh, my God,

"you're pregnant, there's a baby coming,

"let me up.

"Please, Oh, my God,

"oh, you got a cyst on your ovaries.

"Oh, let me up."

And, "Ew, there's a yeast infection.

"You got cookies and cakes and all kinds of shit."

Yo, my name is David Edwards,

I'm outta here, peace.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Yeah, give him another round of applause.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

All right.

Funny young brothers, man.

All right. Coming to the stage

from Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

You know, the fucked-up Dahmer state.

But you guys are gonna enjoy him and have as much fun as you been havin',

'cause that's why these brothers are here.

So give it up for Carl Strong.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh,

oh, you gotta put your hands together.

I came a long ways to be here.

Come on man, shit.

I'm nervous.

Oh shit.

Listen, I got in here and I... I gotta ask you something.

Do... Do you think you got enough one-way streets here?

You... I was...

See, I'm not used to this.

Man, the problem with your one-way streets is

you can see where you wanna go.

You just can't get there.

There it is... There.

Here the fuck I go. Wait, I'm coming back,

I'm coming the fuck back.

No, I got it this time.

Shut up, I know where I'm goin'...

There it is... Oh shit.

What the fuck happened?

I'm on my way to Brooklyn now.

I didn't know where I was... And you got, listen.

You... Y'all highways,

how do y'all deal with it?

Y'all got that kind of highways

make you sit in your car and make you want to get out.

[MIMICS CAR DOOR]

"Fuck it, I'll walk to where I'm going.

"You think I'm taking this shit."

I couldn't believe it. And you got the arrows.

The arrows are for the stupid people.

Arrows tell stupid people,

"Come on, you got to go this way.

"Come on now, you got to go this way."

You got people here looking at the arrows

like they Christmas lights.

Make you want to get outta your car.

[MIMICS CAR DOOR]

Walk up to their car,

"Scoot your old ass over.

"Where you wanna go?

"Come on, I'mma take you.

"I can't use my car, my car's on fire

"'cause I been idling behind you

"for a day and a half.

"Put your teeth back in your mouth."

You got old men here in the cars,

they just glad they breathing.

You look at them.

You know I'm tellin' the truth

you got to roll your window down.

You can't blow them, you gotta,

"Go! It's green, what shade of green are you waiting for?"

And you know how we are.

I bet white people freak out when they

see us in the rear-view mirror.

Don't go when that light turn green.

What will we do?

[MOUTHING]

We just freak out.

And I've been stopped all over the country.

Illinois state troopers drive around

six in a car like they a hockey team.

Get out with bazookas and shit,

automatic weapons, if you black.

"Get out the car,

"how could you put so many black people in one car?

"You packed in there like Haitians.

"Get your ass out of there.

"Frank, put that donut down. Get your fat ass out here."

You never know.

Anybody been through Georgia?

I was going down through Georgia.

I was going... And my car got scared before I did.

And you know Georgia state troopers,

when they pull out on you,

they pull out on you.

You don't even know,

it's just...

[VOCALIZING]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[VOCALIZING]

[SLOWLY] "My man, I'd like you to get out of your vehicle.

"Right now, brother.

"Take that shower cap off your fucking head.

"That's why you're speeding, son,

"your brain can't breathe."

Thank you!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Another round of applause.

Well, we have someone you love

that's getting ready to come to the stage.

'Cause she's here again, I think it's her third time.

WOMAN IN AUDIENCE: Oh yeah.

Uh-huh, I hear the ladies out there clapping.

You know who I'm talkin' about, don't you?

That's right.

One of the funniest young women out there, I think so.

Give it up for my girl, Adele Givens.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

What's up, New York?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Baby got back, huh?

I want to thank Russell Simmons, first off.

I gotta thank Russell for bringing me back

to Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.

Thanks a lot, Russell.

Gotta thank HBO for having us black again.

You know, we gotta come black.

When you're real they like that shit,

that's what it is. And I'm a real woman.

How many real ladies in the house tonight?

Make some noise.

That's right, fake bitch, you can leave right now.

The fake ho has got to go in '93.

Fellas, you heard that shit, didn't you?

That's what y'all got to look forward to in 1993.

We tired of that fake bitch

'cause she got y'all confused.

God, y'all don't know what the fuck to say to a real woman in 1993.

Just say any old stupid shit.

Last time I came to New York,

man, a stupid motherfucker at the airport walked up to me talkin' about,

"Hey girl, how you doin'? Where you from?"

I said, "I'm from Chicago."

He like, "Who you with?" I said, "I'm by my goddamn self."

And he was shocked y'all.

"Girl, you came all the way to New York by yourself? You came by yourself?"

You know, like it's so unusual

for a real lady to come by herself.

Like, he must have been talkin' to the fake bitch.

He don't know about us.

Fellas, y'all gotta learn about us ladies in the '90s.

You gotta learn about us.

Y'all don't know enough about us.

Y'all don't even know what a pap smear is.

I'm tellin' you, I told my man I'm going to get a pap smear, he like,

"Yeah, bring me one, no mustard."

[LAUGHTER]

Y'all gotta learn something about us, fellas.

Fake bitch gotcha and fake bitches everywhere, ladies.

Fake bitches are every... My sister, fake bitch.

I'm not lyin', 35 years old.

Faker than a motherfucker.

Think she know all there is to know about a man

just 'cause she been married for 15 years, you know.

Give the bitch a few drinks and she give you advice, you know.

We sittin' at the card table playing cards last week

and yeah, the bitch done got drunk again, you know.

"Oh baby sister, come here, let me tell you something.

"You know big sister ain't gonna tell you nothing wrong.

"Let me tell you something.

"I've been married 15 years.

"If my husband come home on payday,

"it's late and he broke, he ain't gettin no pussy."

Fake bitch, bless her heart. She don't know.

I said, "Let me tell you somethin', sister.

"If your husband come home on payday,

"it's late and he broke,

"he done had some pussy."

All right, look baby, you ain't gotta do nothin' else for his ass tonight.

Give him a bottle and a blanket and tuck his ass in, okay?

I'm sick and tired of people saying what a lady

can and can't do and can and can't say.

I feel like this. Hey, if a women can suck your dick,

then damn it, she can talk about it.

I'm sick of that double standard.

And fellas, y'all do a whole lot of nasty shit yourself.

So don't be lookin' at me like I'm crazy.

I know you sit your ass at home in front of the TV

with your hands on your balls and the remote control.

Switch that motherfucker every 15 minutes,

you know.

I know what you do.

And evidence, y'all love a big ass.

When I walked out here and turned around,

that's evidence right there.

You love a big ass.

Ladies, I don't give a fuck how ugly you is,

if your ass big, you in the house!

You could be fucked up. Bitch could be...

Bitch could have an eye right here

in the middle of her motherfuckin' forehead.

She got a big ass, somebody gonna hit that bitch.

And his boys gonna be fuckin' with him,

"Yo man, you didn't hit the three-eyed bitch, did you?"

"Shh, be quiet, here she come."

Yo, but she got a big ass though, dog."

It's all right! And you fellas, one thing I don't understand.

Y'all won't admit to oral sex for shit.

Won't admit knowing goddamn well,

behind closed doors y'all wearing thighs like ear muffs.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Five thousand, J. Peace.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Adele Givens.

Give that girl a one-night stand.

Very, very funny woman.

Now, this is the part where we done did I don't know how many times.

And if you read this shit, I'm gonna kill you.

Come on up here, Russell Simmons.

Man made a deposit in your bedroom.

Put it down, put it down.

What do you gotta say to the people?

Thanks for coming out. God bless you, good night.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

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