Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

KID CAPRI: It's the Russell Simmons Def Comedy Jam.

Ladies and gentlemen,

put your hands together

for my main man, Mr. Martin Lawrence.

AUDIENCE: Go, Martin. Go, Martin. Go, Martin.

Go, Martin. Go, Martin.

Go, Martin. Go, Martin.

Go, Martin. Go, Martin. Go, Martin. Go, Martin. Go, Martin...

Yeah! Yeah![AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

The fuck I'm talkin' about!

Yeah!

You motherfuckers are fired up! What's up?

They thought I wasn't comin' back, shit.

Now, don't sit there and try to look cool and shit like,

"I don't give a fuck who you are.

"You understand? Put some money in my

"motherfuckin' pockets."

What's your name, man?Hobo Scratch.

Who?Hobo Scratch.

"Hobo Scratch"?Yeah.

You got a girlfriend, man?[INAUDIBLE]

Man, you better get another name. You don't call nobody's house,

"Can I speak to Tina?"

"Yes, can I tell her who's calling?"

"Hobo Scratch."

That shit don't mix, man.

Darren. You're Darren now, all right?

Motherfuckin' Darren. That's your thief name, Darren.

What's up, man?

All right. Shit gettin' a little fucked-up up in here.

I know you want dreads to grow, but right now something's not...

Like a Chia Pet-type shit.

It's not... it's not flowing,

it's not...

[CHUCKLES]

I'm fuckin' with you, man.

Just fuckin' with you, yeah.

[LAUGHS]

I feel good, though, y'all, I feel good.

I mean, thanks to all you guys.

How y'all doing up there? I ain't forgot about y'all.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Give Kid Capri

a round of applause.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

Motherfucker blew up, didn't he?

He's arrogant now.

I said, "Hello, Kid Capri,"

"Ha, I'll see you on the set."

You've changed, man.

I go back to the old days with the rappers,

I'm a... You know, I invented that shit, man.

Run-D.M.C., those was the boys, you know?

But y'all some cold fans sometimes.

Y'all do rap boys bad.

If you're goin' to support 'em, support 'em always

'cause these brothers workin' hard,

they get stayin' out the street.

No, 'cause you know, I was in Atlanta,

you know, and I saw Moe Dee.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Remember... Remember a couple of years ago? Moe Dee was the shit.

So, I'm in Atlanta with a Kris Kross jacket on,

confused like a motherfucker.[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Continue to support these brothers, y'all.

[CHUCKLES]

I'm telling you, I must be doing well.

I met Michael Jackson.

He wanted to meet me, y'all.

That shit tripped me out.

You know, I was like every brother in this motherfucker,

I was like, you know, 'cause I thought I'll never meet Michael Jackson.

And you know, I was like, "Fuck, no one give a fuck

"about no motherfuckin' Michael Jackson.

"I mean, he was bad when he was doin' ABC and all of that shit,

"you know, but fuck him other than that."

Soon as they came to me and said,

"Michael wants to meet you." I said, "Michael who?"

"Michael Jackson."

"Shit."

I was like a little bitch, walkin' into Michael's room, "Uh...

"How you doin', Michael?

"Let me feel your nose. Oh, my God!

"Oh, my God."

Ah! [CHUCKLES]

But that's a fact, he a bad motherfuckin' boy, though.

Ain't nothin' changed, y'all.

But I'm havin' fun.

And these comics are comin' out here

'cause you know we present all the best young comics

out here, you know what I'm sayin'?

So if anybody tell you they ain't out here, that's bullshit,

'cause these brothers are working hard for you.

These are guys you don't see on Evening at Improv or Comic Strip Live

'cause they don't want you to believe they're out here.

But these motherfuckers here tonight on the Def Jam,

this is where we, as black comedians,

come together and unite as one.

On the motherfuckin' Def Jam.

We grab our dicks, we do everything

on the Def Jam.

So y'all ready to have a good time?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!Let me hear you say it, huh?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!Now louder than that.

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Yeah, that's what the fuck I'm talkin' about!

Yo, comin' to the stage,

this is a woman,

and she gonna come out here and get crazy for y'all.

Yo, please, she's from Los Angeles,

give it up for Sheryl Underwood.

How y'all doin'?

All right, all the ladies out there, I got a question for the ladies.

Clap if you think this is bull-motherfuckin'-shit.

A motherfucker buy you one drink at the club,

and he think he get to be with your ass all night.

Clap if you think that's bullshit.

Isn't that bullshit? That's bullshit!

'Cause two drinks might get your dick sucked,

but one drink ain't gonna get you shit.

[AUDIENCE CHEERS]You know what I'm sayin?

I'm here to tell you, goddamn it.

'Cause I'm a bitch that loves to fuck, you know what I'm sayin'.

I love to fuck 'cause you know what?

My legs be open so much, my IUD pick up cable channels, goddamn it.

'Cause I just gotta piss on that, you know.

Fuck that, fuck that shit, you know what I'm sayin'?

You know what I'm saying? Matter of fact,

anybody fuckin' a married man

besides me out there, raise your hand, goddamn it.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Oh, I'll fuck your man.

If you let me in your house, I'll fuck your man.

I'm tellin' you, don't let...

Ladies, don't let a bitch in your house.

Mama, grandma, auntie, niece,

Jehovah Witness, Avon lady,

don't let a bitch in your house.

'Cause when you got a fine man, what the bitch try to do?

Get in your house and meet that motherfucker.

Don't let a bitch in.

If she say, "Girl, I just want to bring back them brown shoes I borrowed,"

I go, "Bitch, throw them in the yard and keep rolling, goddamn it."

Don't let a bitch in your house.

Don't let her in

'cause I got caught in the bed with my best girlfriend, Peaches.

My best girlfriend, I got caught in the bed with her man.

The bitch gonna get mad at me.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Talkin' about, "Sheryl, what you doin'?"

I said, "Bitch, I'm trying to help you.

"Nigga said if he don't get no pussy soon, he gonna leave your ass."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And I'm a motherfuckin' friend to the end, goddamn it.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

You know what I'm sayin'?

I'm a friend 'til the motherfuckin' end.

I'll tell you what, I'm fuckin'.

I love to fuck. I love to fuck more than I love to eat.

If you put a dick between two slices of bread, you got me!

You know what I'm sayin'?

I love to fuck.

Manwich ain't nothin' but a sandwich,

but a dick, hey, that's more like a meal, goddamn it.

And I'm an easy bitch,

but you know what?

You gotta start jackin' these motherfuckers off, ladies.

For real, 'cause I was jackin' this motherfucker off

over at the DJ booth, you know?

'Cause I wanted my intro to be right, you know?

And I was workin' this motherfucker

like G.I. Joe with the kung-fu grip, you know?

And the motherfucker came so fast,

if a dick had a bullet in it, I would have been shot, goddamn it.

You know what I'm sayin'?

But you know what? Fellas,

y'all gotta start eating that pussy, though.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

That's right, clap.

You got to start eating that pussy.

You got to lick it before you stick it, goddamn it.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

You gotta start eatin' that pussy.

Ladies, if you with a motherfucker

that don't eat your pussy, I'd like to offer my condolences.

'Cause your pussy dead, you know what I'm sayin'?

Any motherfucker, you got to start eating pussy 'cause you know what?

A motherfucker ate my pussy so good up there in the dressing room...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

...that I got in my car,

drove back to Arkansas on a fourth of a tank of gas,

and slapped my mama

'cause the bitch didn't tell me it was gonna feel that goddamn good.

I broke the bitch's jaw.

Bet she'll tell the truth next time, goddamn it.

But you know what, you know what?

I know I'm gonna lose some of you ladies.

You gotta start suckin' that dick.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND HOOTING]

You know what I'm sayin'? You gotta suck that motherfucker.

You know, we gots to start,

you know... Hey, I'll suck a motherfuckin' dick. Look,

sucking dick makes your teeth crooked. Look... Look at this.

I'll suck a motherfucker's dick.

You know what I'm sayin'?

But you got... This is what you gotta do.

Listen to me now. Ladies, ladies,

don't just suck dick for sport, you know?

Get paid while you're sucking that motherfuckin' dick, you know?

This what you do. You suck that motherfuckin' dick,

and right when he get ready to cum, you pull back.

And you know he gonna ask you that question,

"What's wrong, girl?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

That's when you go, "Damn, I forgot to pay my motherfuckin' phone bill."

That motherfucker'll write you a check,

"What's the amount? Where's it go?"

You know what I'm sayin'?

God's might to my fraternity brothers in blue and white.

My name is Sheryl, peace.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Damn! Give her a round of applause.

She's funny as hell.

[CHUCKLES]

Huh?

Uh, no, not yet. Wait, hold up.

She suck a dick so good, damn.

Don't do that shit.

Y'all talkin' about that shit,

brother gettin' ready to come and y'all let go.

I'm gonna tell you, you let go of me, it's all up in here.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND LAUGHING]

Yeah. [CHUCKLES]

Very, very funny woman.

And I know people that are watchin' say,

"Yes, her mouth, she's blue," or whatever, but fuck that.

The girl is funny.

Give her another round of applause.

You're gonna hear a lot from her, watch.

Comin' to the stage from my hometown,

and very funny, we used to work out together

back when I started comedy.

A very funny boy from Baltimore, Maryland,

and he's now right on Saturday Night Live,

give it up for Warren Hutcherson.

Wassup?

How y'all doin'? Peace.

[INDISTINCT REPLYING]

Um...

Bet y'all expectin' me to do magic or somethin', right?

See, I... I come from a strange background.

My, uh...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

From the South originally, my father's a Muslim.

And my... Look how quiet everybody got. "Oh."

Oh, that's all right, then.

Father's a Muslim, my grandmother's a born-again Christian

so, you know.

It was a wild thing goin' on in my childhood.

You know, in 1969, my father joined the Nation of Islam,

which was cool for him, but basically just fucked me out of all of the holidays.

'Cause I was six years old

and you don't understand that when you're six.

And my grandmother wasn't tryin' to help me understand it either,

she just freaked out.

"The baby can't have no Christmas?

"What you mean that child can't have a Christmas?

"It's Christmastime."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"Oh, no, baby, you come over here.

"I don't care what your father's doin',

"I'm takin' you to see Santa Claus."

My grandmother's taking me to see Santa. I sit on Santa's lap,

"So what do you want for Christmas, little boy?" My father's in the corner,

"Tell him you want your freedom!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"You got some freedom in that bag, fat man?"

You know?

And I was six, you know,

I was like, "Well, I thought I wanted some Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots, but...

"Guess I want some freedom, Santa, 'cause, uh,

"the bad boy over here is runnin' my life."

I didn't know.

You don't know when you're six.

You know, my father's job,

he was goin' around finding plots against the black race.

No matter how cleverly hidden, he could find it.

My father would find plots in a grocery store.

Walk through the store pointin' at things, "Look at this, son!

"You got to ask yourself questions.

"Ask yourself, 'Why must I be cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs?'

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"Did black cereal make you crazy?

"You see the Frosted Flakes, they're white, 'They're great!'

"You see?

"Cocoa Puffs make you nutty.

"I don't understand now.

"You see, that's just regular rice,

"but it's black so they call it 'wild rice.'"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"What's so wild about it?

"Is it jumpin' off the shelf, hittin' old ladies in the head?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"I don't think so."

So I grew up with that.

I go home now, you know, it's like a little holy war goin' on

in the house. My grandmother's still a...

My grandma... But my grandma's crazy, she's 92 years old,

I'm an only child,

she wants to see me married.

You know how grandmothers are.

Ninety-two, she gives me advice on how to pick up women.

Told me, and it's all like, "Go to church, baby,

"that's what you need to do, go up there to that church.

"It's a lot a good girls up at the church."

My grandmother wants me to work the church.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

You know? Use the church to pick up women, that's wrong, ain't it?

Walkin' through the church, "Hey, how you doin'?

"Excuse me for a second. Praise the Lord! Look..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"I ain't here for that.

"What you readin'?

"Oh, yeah, I read that, yeah, yeah, yeah.

"That guy comes back in there and it's pretty wild."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Look, I'm gonna go over there and get some of this wine, um...

"Wine and crackers, right over here in the corner, you want some?"

That's what Granny wants.

They all want somethin', you know.

The grandparents, I have uncles, they all...

Like my father, when I go home, he makes me watch tapes.

I had to watch this tape with this guy Tom Metzger.

You ever seen him, Tom Metzger?

King of the white supremacists.

You should be aware of this man, he is an idiot.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

He is.

You know. And not only is he an idiot,

he is... He's funny.

You know, his whole thing... I saw him on a talk show once.

Somebody stood up and said, "Uh, Mr. Metzger,

"what makes you think you're superior to all people of color?"

"Well, look at all the things white people have invented.

"We invented the airplane, we invented the telephone, we..." You know,

he said "we" like white people had a caucus somewhere.

Like they got together and said,

"You know genetically, any one of us can do this,

"but, uh..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"To save time, Bell, why don't you put a phone together?

"You two Wright brothers put a plane together,

"somethin' in your spare time, anything."

It don't make sense.

Basically, what he's sayin' is the whole tenet,

whole premise of white supremacy

is if somebody from your race does somethin',

then you're magically endowed with the same ability.

It's hogwash, you see.

Because if it's true, I'd like to see Mr. Metzger have a heart attack,

you know, 'cause, you know, the first man to perform open heart surgery was black.

So, you know...

As he had his attack,

I could just sort of walk through the crowd, "Excuse me,

"excuse me, you wanna back up, please?

"Give this man some room."

"Are you a doctor?" "No,

"but I am black."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"And me and this busboy here

"are the only two people that can save this man's life.

"Hand me the steak knife, porter, let's go to work.

"That's all we could do."

Hey, y'all, be good to each other.

Thanks a lot for listening to me, I'm outta here.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Yeah.

I ain't commentin' on Go...

Give my man Warren another round of applause.

Yo, comin' to the stage,

I think the brother should have been on the show a long time ago,

a very funny brother. And you probably seen him in Mo' Money,

and he's from here, New York.

Give it up for my man, Garfield.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

What's up?

Yo man, deal with me man.

I just got off some laryngitis, y'all,

and my voice is fucked up right now.

But I'm gonna work though,

I'm gonna work!

Tryin' to lose some weight, y'all, but I'm glad I held out.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I'm serious, man, this is the size of the '90s,

my weight caught up with the fuckin' times.

Women will confirm this, y'all don't want any real, real, real skinny men

these days, do y'all?

WOMAN: Never!Hell, no, you don't,

not with this AIDS and this crack thing goin' on around the country.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Bisexuals sneakin' into the clubs, tryin' to blend in.

Girls go into clubs now with a different attitude.

"Don't you look at him, girl, he too skinny."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"Might be dangerous.

"No, and he's too skinny.

"Shit, he wanna date me, he better show me some old photos, okay?

"I wanna see just how long his ass been skinny.

"All right?" [CHUCKLES]

"No, and he's too skinny." And I'm over there and my big ass

way in the back of the room with a plate of buffalo wings, right?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND CHEERING]

They're like, "But ooh, look at that nice fat one back there.

"That's what I'm talkin' about, mmm, look at him.

"He is so chubby."

"Damn, he don't need no condom with me, girl."

"I know his fat ass is safe, look at him."

[CHUCKLES]

She's like, "No girl, he's mine.

"Fat boy!

"Fat boy!

"Damn, quick, give me a chicken wing. Fat boy!"

I'm like, "Yo, who's that, what's your name, girl?" [CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES]

Here's some news I want to share with you

real quick, ladies and gentlemen.

Three weeks ago, my wife gave birth to my very first child,

I'm a happy man right now.

Thank you, thank you.

Boy or a girl? Both, I had a faggot, thank you.

No.

No.

[CHUCKLES]

That'd be fucked up.

[MIMICS BABY CRYING]

"Get that titty away from me, I want Daddy to feed me."

No.

That's messed up, right?

No, man, I'm happy. Eleven pounds, four ounces, what's up?

Homegirl's like, "She all right?"

Yo, I was in the delivery room, y'all,

I watched the whole thing, man. I'm in there going...

[WHIMPERS]

The doctor was like, "You're happy, aren't you?"

I'm like, "No, man! Look at the pussy, man.

"It's ruined!

"Eleven-four, I can't follow that shit, man."

At nine-and-a-half, you should have knew

the motherfucker wasn't coming out.

You can imagine, they got it going on inside there, man.

They have everything they need inside the placenta.

They sittin' back, I know he was like,

"Ha ha, whoo! Come and get me, goddamn it.

"I got it going on, waterbed..."

[LAUGHS]

"Cable, I ain't comin' out."

My name is Garfield, peace, thank you very much.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Give him another round of applause.

Yo, comin' to the stage,

what I say about this young brother, when I met him, I mean,

this brother has a real good personality.

He's a cool young brother.

He was on here last time and he rocked.

You know what I'm sayin'? And this is one of the brothers

I think in the future, really,

you're goin' to see a lot of him.

I think the kid's gonna blow up

because he has his own style and very, very funny, so that helps.

He's from Atlanta, but he lives in L.A. now.

Yo, give it up for my man, Chris Tucker.

What's up, man?

This motherfucker.

Pissed off, man.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I am.

Motherfuckin' Mama calling me for Christmas,

wantin' a Christmas gift and shit.

Always want something.

Say, "Mama, why the fuck every time you call, you always want somethin'?

"Why the fuck we can't just talk?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"You know I ain't got no money," I told her. I said, "I'm broke.

"Broke as a motherfucker."

I'm so broke, if a nigga robbed me,

he'll just be practicing.

"Nigga, why don't you get a job?" "Fuck you!

"I didn't get nothing but pictures and shit, damn."

It's fucked up, man, it ain't funny.

You can't even be a thief no more. Everybody's a thief.

Other day I robbed a store, came back out, a nigga done stole my car.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS]

Damn! Can't have shit no more.

Police arrested me, "Look, man, I know I robbed that motherfuckin' store,

"but somebody stole my goddamn car, man."

Damn!

I'm sittin' in jail with the motherfucker, didn't even know it.

I'm like, "What you in here for, homes?"

"Oh, some dumb motherfucker didn't put no oil in his car."

I said, "The guy was gettin' some!

"Damn, went and gotta ask on the day you robbed him!"

"Nigga, I didn't know.

"You was robbin' the store?"

It's fucked up, man.

And when I need money, I'll rob a motherfucker in a minute,

I don't care, I'll rob 'em, I don't care.

I robbed so many motherfuckers,

one time I made a mistake and robbed my mama.

I said, "Lady, put your goddamn hands up, put 'em up!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

"Gimme your purse, gimme your purse.

"What you doin' with my brother's pictures in your pocketbook?"

"Chris!" "Mama, damn! I'm sorry, damn!"

"You shouldn't have been walkin' down that dark street, man.

"You let that shit go, Mama, damn."

She gonna take me to court.

"Mama, I gave you your purse back, damn."

And I hate ridin' with motherfuckers,

I gotta get friends with cars. I don't have a car.

Hate waitin' on motherfuckers', man.

I hate waitin' on people.

You ever have somebody call you,

tell you they on their way,

you call 'em back and them niggas still at home?

"Nigga, you said you was on your way, man."

"Nigga, my clothes in the dryer, man, damn."

"Nigga, we gonna be late."

And you be mad as a motherfucker till he get there,

you be happy as a motherfucker, "You punk-ass nigga,

"always late, always late.

"Oh nigga, what's up? T-nigga, let's get outta here, nigga."

"Let's get on these hos, nigga, we late, nigga."

And he got that one light, so everybody comin' out with that one light,

you think it's him, like "Oh, there go T, there go T, oh no, that ain't T.

"Oh, there go T, there go T, no, that ain't T."

It's fucked up.

And y'all women, y'all play too goddamn much,

y'all play too much. Too much.

Y'all know y'all play around with the pussy too much.

I'm serious.

I took a girl out for like two weeks.

She wouldn't give me none.

So I took her to court.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I went up to the judge and he say she had to give me pussy by the eighth.

I had a lawyer and everything. "Did you promise him the pussy, ma'am?

"I said bitch, did you promise him the pussy?

"No further questions, that bitch is lyin', Your Honor, she's lyin'."

They put me on the stand. "Mr. Tucker, did she promise you the pussy, man?"

I said, "Yeah, she promised me the pussy.

"I got empty McDonald's cups in the back seat of my car.

"That bitch owe me, man.

"I'll fuck her right now in the courtroom, move this shit outta the way."

She knew I was gonna win, too.

Tried to settle out of court, too, said,

"I'll suck your dick if you drop all the charges."

Said, "No, ah, no."

Peace out, I'm Chris Tucker, peace out.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Clever, funny shit, young brother.

Give him another round of applause, you're gonna hear a lot from Chris.

Now it's the time

I bring my man upstage, Russell Simmons,

come on up here, made it possible.

Thank you for coming out. God bless you, good night.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

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