Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

KID CAPRI: It's the Russell Simmons Def Comedy Jam.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

KID CAPRI: Ladies and gentlemen,

put your hands together for my main man,

Mr. Martin Lawrence!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Ho!

Wassup?[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Motherfucking right! My man, Kid Capri.

Give him a round of applause 'cause we're back!

[AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS]

Hey! All right. Not you, baby.

No, I'm gonna get to you in a minute.[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I see an old jungle-fever couple.

Hi. How you doing? All right.

You look like a mafia motherfucker or something.

"No, fuck that..."

You guys, that's your lady?

Wow. So you've been catching hell for years, huh?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

[CHUCKLES] How you doin'?

I ain't going to fuck with you, man,

'cause you might get some people on me.

I show up in this motherfucker with half a hand.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I had a rough year last year.

I fucked with the wrong person, but I'm back.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

All right.

How you guys doin' over there? All right.

Cool, man. Y'all are some dedicated fans

because y'all come out and support this fucking show, man.

And it's been doin' well, y'all!

Def Jamis all that!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

Yeah.

Hey baby. How you doin'?

All right.All right. This your friend? He look nervous.

[CHUCKLES] I ain't gonna fuck with you, man!

What's your name, man?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

That's your name?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

What is your name?

What is your name?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

[MUMBLING GIBBERISH]

What you shy, is it?

Huh? What's your name, man?

I want to know, man, 'cause that's what we gotta do.

Brothers, we gotta rap to each other, man. Wassup?

Mike.Your name Mike? How you livin', Mike?

You cool? What you do for a livin', Mike?

Stealin', huh?[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Mike be walkin' in the stores and shit like this...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"What you want, a red one?"[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

[CHUCKLES] "This gonna be hard."

No, I'm fucking. Is this your girl, Mike?

Man, New York got some slammin'... Well, women everywhere,

but y'all some fine motherfuckers, ladies.

Y'all know it, too.

[SCATTERED LAUGH]

Who you laughin' at?[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

You're fine.

Sure. 'Cause you're Nubian sisters, you know what I'm sayin'.

Big titties, just...[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Know what I'm sayin'? Africa, that's why I love my African sister.

You know? In Africa and shit,

you know, we was there, y'all. This was us.

In Africa, we was chillin'.

You know, walkin' around butt-naked. We wasn't afraid of our bodies.

You know, we got over in America, they told us we gotta cover our shit up.

Ladies, I'm gonna go back to Africa.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Pull all your titties out right now.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I know some of y'all ain't gonna pull your shit out

'cause you look like raisins.[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Yo, girl! [CHUCKLES]

You ever gettin' ready to go to bed with a girl whose titties look like raisins...

But you don't want to make her feel bad

so you lick the motherfuckers anyway?[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

You... 'Cause you can't grab the whole hand, you gotta...

Two fingers.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Aw, shit!

Got your ass now!

[CHUCKLES]

'Cause I'm a nipple man myself.

You don't have to have much titties, just a nipple.

So, yo!

You make sure y'all keep the energy going for these brothers.

This is a lot of young talent out there.

If anybody ever tell you young black comedians ain't happening,

that's bullshit. 'Cause you see them right here

on the motherfuckin' Def Jam.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

Yeah!

Coming to the stage

from your hometown, from New York City

give it up for my man, Faceman.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Faceman is in the house!

Wassup, my black people!

[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

The Faceman is in the house!

Right now though, we gonna talk about some things that we hear about,

but we never see.

Some things that we hear about, but we never see.

My brother, have you ever seen

the serial number on a condom?

No?

I guess you don't roll it back that far.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Things you hear about, but you never see.

And you got so close.

Things you hear about.

Do blind people see their dreams

or do they dream about seein'?

Can kids in wheelchairs run away from home?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

And if they do, shouldn't they be called "roll-aways"?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Do people with no arms need deodorant?

Can someone with no fingers point me in the right direction?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Can girls with extensions make free phone calls?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Hello? Hello? Hello?

I want my fuckin' quarter back!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Doesn't Al Sharpton look like Morris Day with a thyroid problem?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

And do people with dyslexia wipe their ass first, then shit?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Can someone with no eyebrows be surprised?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

MAN: Yeah, yeah!

Yeah, yeah! Can someone with no legs...Yeah, yeah.

...put their best foot forward?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

This is shit I just be thinkin' about in the comfort of my own home.

Things you hear about, but you never see.

Why do deer run out on the highway

and freeze when they see headlights?

Do they think they takin' pictures?

[IMITATES CAMERA CLICK][AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

What kind of shit is that?

I got something that we hear about, but we never see. Fathers.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Fathers.

What a foul holiday that is, Father's Day.

The day you celebrate the man you never met

that looks just like you that knew your mother very well.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

But Mother's Day should be every day of the year.

Can I get a hand for that?[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

But... But...[APPLAUSE CONTINUES]

How many of you mothers are still here with your baby's fathers?

See, not too many.

That's why we need a holiday for guys like me,

motherfuckers.[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"Happy Motherfuckers' Day, motherfucker!"

"Happy Motherfuckers' Day to you too, motherfucker!"

"Where you going?: "I'm going to fuck your mother."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

But my black people,

we have to learn how to treat these black women.

And first of all, you treat a black woman with respect.

Is that right? Respect![AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

'Cause I don't understand why a lot of you brothers

go around hittin' your girlfriends.

Why you want to hit your girlfriend

so she walkin' down the street with a black eye.

That's foul, so money...

Next time your girlfriend does something wrong

you don't hit her. You hit her best friend,

'cause you know her best friend was with her

when she did that foul shit to you.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"What? You cheated on me?

"Who was you with? Who was you with?"

Pow![AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

You go out with her again, see what you get.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

Number two, my second most important rule.

Fellas, I don't care how cockteaser you are,

how much money you make, what type of car you drivin',

you got to eat the pussy.WOMAN: Yeah!

See... See, see...[CHEERS]

See, see, see, see.

I see a lot of you brothers tighten up your lips, you know what I'm sayin'?

You don't like to eat the pussy. You...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"I'm on a diet."

"Face smell like dirty pussy taste, pussy nasty..."

Shut up, shut up, shut up, you punks!

And throw the duck sauce on the pussy!

I know we got the duck sauce?

Who got the duck sauce? Aw, yeah!

Have some duck sauce. All right.

Before I roll out of here though...

Before I roll out of here though, I'm feelin' kind of sexy.

And I got one last thing that you hear about, but you never see.

My boy told me he got his girl

pregnant by accident.

How the fuck you get somebody pregnant by accident?

I ain't never tripped in no pussy.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit.[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

Are you all right? Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, God. Oh!

Oh, my goodness!

Before I get out of here, I want y'all to know

I'm the Faceman and I love y'all

and I got my own business. It's called Faceman Enterpussies.

You got a pussy, we comin' in.

Good night y'all! Thanks![AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Faceman with the enter...

Faceman and the pussy, remember this.

Who is this for?

This pussy juice?[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

They... They baggin' pussy juice now?[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Yo, give me a bag of this, please?

Excuse me, Eduardo, throw that right down there.

Yeah, support his business though, Faceman Enterpussies.

You gonna support that? You better support it.

[SPEAKING SEDUCTIVE GIBBERISH]

Okay. Yo!

Yo... [CHUCKLES]

If he don't do nothing else, he look wild,

this boy. And I met him earlier and he's a really good guy

but I know you're going to enjoy him 'cause the boy is bugged out.

And he's from Brooklyn, New York,

straight from the motherfuckin' projects.

Yo, give it up for Tracey Morgan.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

What up? There's a lot of niggas in the house!

Wassup, fly nigga?

Wassup? That's a fly shirt, too.

It's a fly shirt.

They make 'em for men?

[AUDIENCE CHEERS AND LAUGHS]

No, I'm just playin'. Where you get it from, Bob Hope?

Bob threw it out and you hoped it fit?[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

You ain't bad, nigga!

I'll push your shit!

Yo, my shit is straight out the projects.

What's up? How many niggas here are from the projects anyway?

I knew y'all niggas was from the projects.

I smelled y'all stank motherfuckers when you came in.

Yeah, you motherfucker. You wearing that new project cologne

called Back Staircase.[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

And your girl wearing a perfume called Pissy Elevator.

And y'all wash up with a bubble bath called Cheese Doodoo.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]Light on the cheese and heavy on the doodoo.

No, I'm serious, man!

Livin' in the projects is rough!

And one thing about the projects, you know

is if a Puerto Rican family live on your floor.

Right, Mami?[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

You could smell the niggas soon as you get out the elevator.

What you smell? Garlic.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]Paprika.

Adobo.[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I'm serious.

How many motherfuckers got cable TV?

Y'all seen that Michael Jackson concert?

Michael is a bad motherfucker.

And in that concert, he proved how bad he was

'cause he had hardcore niggas faintin' at his concert.

Hardcore niggas like you.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Hardcore nigga.[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

EPMD. I'm serious, man.

Niggas standin' there like this, mean as a motherfucker.

"Fuck somebody up."

Michael Jackson come on the stage, all the bitches cum and niggas just drop.

Niggas standin' there like this.

Michael come on stage, niggas just drop. "Ah..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Serious man, Michael is a bad motherfucker, man.

Like a mother.

I like sports, man.

Sports is the shit. I like track and field.

Track and field... The hurdles? You be seein' them niggas doin' the hurdles?

But it seem like them niggas turn gay after they cross the finish line, right?

You see them niggas at the startin' line.

They be havin' muscles, chest, arms, legs, pow!

Them niggas be at the startin' line. "Gentlemen, take your mark."

"Shit." Pow!

Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!

Ahh! Ahh!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Dude look like a motherfucker.

Serious, y'all. I'm about to get out of here. But check it out.

Imagine if Michael Jackson was from the projects.

Imagine if he wouldn't have never got the 21 nose jobs.

Imagine if Michael Jackson started drinkin' Crazy Horse.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Y'all want to see my version of Michael Jackson from the projects?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

All right. Hit me off, DJ!

[MUSIC PLAYS]

My name is Tracey Morgan.

Peace! Ma, get better.

To Dana, happy birthday. I'm out of here.

[AUDIENCE CHEERS, APPLAUDS]

Give him a round of applause.

Yeah! My stomach look like that once.

Give him another round of applause 'cause that brother's been...

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

He been doin' comedy, I think, seven months, man.

It takes a lot of guts to come up here and try to make y'all laugh.

Now give... That's why I say give it up and just show that gut.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Would you still love me if I had a gut like that?

Hmm? Somebody said no?

You would? If I was just a fat, nasty... Just...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Just layin' on you every night...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Would you still love me?

That must be a fucked-up feeling, though. Get in shape.

Take care of your bodies.

That must be a fucked-up feelin' to have somebody layin' on you

you don't want on you. Just, "Ugh... Uh...

"I love you, uh..."[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Women like, "I love you too, motherfucker."[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Get your shit in shape. All right.

Coming to the stage from Chicago.

Wassup Chicago? Always been good to me. Love ya.

Coming to the stage...

No, they... Man, Chicago's all that. Yo!

Please welcome Daniel Gardner. Give it up.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

Wassup, wassup, wassup.[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

Check it out. I want to make a proclamation on national television.

I proclaim that '93 is the year that the black man

gets paid in the United States of America.

Give it up for me if you agree, goddamn it. Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah![AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS]

'Cause I was poorer than a motherfucker in '92, y'all.

Let me ask you a question. Y'all together, y'all tight?

Brother man, let me ask you a question.

Does she, you know, on maybe Saturday, Sunday morning,

wake you up early and ask you to go to the store

for, let's say, some

feminine effects, maybe?

Pads, brother, pads. You know what I'm sayin'? Pads.

I'm serious, man. A lot of comedians talk about their women

askin' them to go to the store and go get them some pads.

I never find that to be real funny,

until about, like, two weeks ago.

My woman woke me up, asked me to go to the store

and get her some pads, but I figured, yo, I'm a man.

I'm like, "Yo! I'm here for some pads! Yo, where the pads at?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"Where the pads, yo?"

You know, and I went and got the pads,

you know, but after a while the store started getting crowded

and I figure, like any normal adult male

with a box of new freedom extra absorbent up under his arm...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I started to get a little embarrassed, you know?

Until I went to the check-out line

and there was a guy that checked out two spots in front of me.

And get this, he was checkin' out...

Two bags of diapers, two cases of formula,

a case of baby food.

He had a box of bibs, booties,

bonnets and bottles with the nipples on them.

He had some diaper rash ointment,

a teething ring, a rattle, and a "I love Daddy" t-shirt.

Right about then I couldn't be no more happier

to be buying pads for my woman in all my life.

You know what I'm sayin'![AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

'Cause as long as she need these pads,

I ain't goin' to be at the store in nine months

like that motherfucker, you know what I'm sayin'.[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Not me. Not me.

'Cause I already got two bad-ass kids, I don't want no more.

What's wrong with kids today?

My kids come up to me, ask me for something, I tell them, "No."

They start behaving like crackheads around the house, you know?

Pookie, from New Jack City, all the way.

I'm serious, my shortie come up to me, she try to catch me on the sly.

She be like,

"Yo, Pop, man. Yo, Pop.

"Wassup with some candy for a nigga, man?

"Wassup with some candy for a nigga!" [IMITATES GIGGLE]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I'm like, "You can't have no candy, goddamn it.

"I told you too many times don't ask me twice."

[IMITATES SOBS] "But I want some candy!"

"They be callin' me Pop, man. They be callin' me that!

"They just be callin' me, man!

"I can't kick it, man. They be callin' me, man!

"Now and Later, wine candy, anything, man.

"They just be callin' me, man."

I swear, man, kids is bad as hell today.

Crazy thing. Man, check it out.

I was getting dressed to come over here, man,

and I'm checkin' out television. Copscame on TV.

Is this the most fucked-up show on TV or what?

'Cause before, they told us we wasn't shit through

the newspaper and the TV.

Now they got a whole 30 minutes of us getting arrested all the goddamn time.

Tripped me out, too. The thing that pisses me off about Cops

is the big differential in the behavior of the white folks

they arrest and the black folks they arrest on Cops.

First of all, whenever they arrest a white person on Cops,

he usually got all his clothes on.

'Cause they always pushin' the butt-naked

black motherfucker in the back seat, ain't they?

The thing that trips me out, man, white folks

deny guilt all the way to the police station.

Black folks do the same thing

until they find out they filming Copsthat day,

and you know how black people act in front of the camera, you know that.

They be like, "Yo, money, man! No, no, no! I'm innocent, man!

"It's just a racist system designed to squash

"my black race through organized terrorism, man!

"Yo, man! Get off me, man!

"Aw, shit?

"Yo, money! They filmin' Cops,man! Hell, no!

"Hey yo, before I get arrested I want to send a shout-out

"to my man Bliz in Brooklyn.

"Yo, I'm on TV, boy!

"Yo, am I gettin' paid for this shit, man?"

I'm out. Daniel Gardner.

[AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS]

Now, comin' to the stage, this is my man

because when I first started, I used to go, "Chris was the man in DC."

And I used to go to comedy clubs, watch him and go,

"Oh, man. This brother is funny."

He's a bad brother and he's the mayor of Rap City.

So yo, give it up for my man, Chris Thomas.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

Wow.

Some nice fine ladies here in New York, too.

Nice, fine asses. Nice, big old smelly asses, yes!

I'm was scared of women, period.

I'm scared. Ever since what happened to Mike Tyson I'm scared.

I went to... Recently went to Indiana to visit him.

He told me to tell everybody that the inmates are behind him all the way.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I'm afraid though, man.

That shit could happen to anybody. Anybody could be charged of rape.

It could have happened to some of the greatest stars in America.

Could have happened to Muhammad Ali.

I sure hope not.

I'd hate to see Ali on trial.

"Muhammad, take the stand."

[GRUNTS]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"What happened, Ali?

"You plead guilty or not guilty?"

[GRUNTS]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"What happened, champ?"

[GRUNTS]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Suppose that shit was Sidney Poitier.

"Mr. Poitier, take the stand."

"I will..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"Mr. Poitier, you plead guilty or not guilty?"

"I plead not guilty."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Suppose that shit was James Earl Jones.

"Mr. Jones, take the stand. Do you plead guilty or not guilty?"

"Suppose I told you I plead not guilty."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Suppose it was Richard Pryor. "Richard Pryor, take the stand."

"You plead guilty?" "Shit, I plead guilty."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"What happened, Richard?" "Shit, I don't know what the fuck happened.

"I told the bitch I wanted some pussy."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"She didn't give me no pussy...

"And I... I took it.

"That shit was good, too."

Suppose it was Robin Leach from the Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous.

"Robin Leach, do you plead guilty or not guilty?"

"I plead not guilty."[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"Well, what happened Robin?"

"Well I told I wanted some booty and I took it,

"it was 14 karat gold."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I don't want some booty, give me some motherfuckin' head.

I had a girl went down on me the other day.

I hate women that have teeth.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I had one girl, was suckin' my shit, right.

All, every last tooth hit it.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

And she didn't want to spit it out.

I'm hittin' the end of the throat...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I hate ladies that do it and look at you while they are doing it.

I don't know what to say to them.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND CHEERS]

Ladies, I've been down.

I don't go down anymore. Fucked around and got a bad one. [CHUCKLES]

Oh, that shit smell bad![AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Smelled so bad, my eyes popped sockets.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Smell so bad, I don't even talk any foreign languages,

I went down and I was just kissing it. [IMITATES KISS]

Came up talking French, "Oui, oui!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

[IN FRENCH ACCENT] Excuse me, your booty smell like the Chicken of the Sea.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Homegirl talkin', "Well, tell them Charlie sent ya!"

My name is Chris Thomas. Peace out.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

Thank you, Martin.

Yo, keep it up for Chris.

My man, Russell.

Man, it comes to the part of the show

where we want to thank the fans, you, 'cause without you

there is no us, and let me bring Scoopy up. Come on, Scoopy.

Come on, man.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

Come on up here, Scoop.

What's up, man?

Thank y'all for coming out. God bless you and good night.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

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