Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING][CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

KID CAPRI: It's the Russell Simmons'Def Comedy Jam.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

And now, your host, Martin Lawrence!

AUDIENCE: Go Martin! Go Martin! Go Martin!

Go Martin! Go Martin! Go Martin! Go Martin!

Go Martin! Go Martin! Go Martin! Go Martin!

Thank you! Thank you!

Thank you!

Thank you very much.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

No, I'm not messin' with anyone.

Y'all like, "Damn!" Y'all face was like...

Hey, how you doin'? The older brother sittin' there in the middle.

How you doin', man?

Got the beard, got the little...

I don't know what the color that shit is, yellow jacket on.

How you doin'? You been around. I like you.

You's just got that look like you've been around, huh?

How old are you, man?

Fifty-five!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Fifty-five years old!

Don't you love old people? You got to respect them, man. Don't you?

They see you dancin' and shit,

"What that dance you doin' there boy?"

"Aw, shit. That ain't the scrawl. That's all that is."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"That's all that is.

"You ain't doin' no shit we ain't done."

You look like a very... You know, like, you go to church?

Do you go to church a lot?

All right. It's all right. Church all right, man.

Go to church, man. Be there.

You know? I'm... I'm with it.

I got baptized when I was young.

There is some phony preachers out there.

I hope we can get them out the church,

because you know, that's messed up. You know what I'm sayin'?

That's messed up.

They gettin' your money and shit. That's not right.

And I think somebody set me up in church

'cause when I was baptized, they... You know...

You know how you get the Holy Ghost?

[MURMURING][AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You know?

I was baptized. They take you in that water.

And they dip you. And they say when you come up,

you know, you gonna be talkin' in the unknown tongue...

[MUMBLING GIBBERISH]

So I went to get baptized.

They dipped me, came up... I came up...

[MUMBLING GIBBERISH]

"They...you talkin' in the unknown tongue! The..."

Fuck you, man! That water's cold as shit!

[LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

[IMITATING TEETH CHATTERING]

Is what the fuck I'm saying.

So go to a real church, people. Okay?

Comin' to the stage, from Los Angeles, California, you know, 'cause...

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Woo, woo, woo!

Two motherfuckers, "Woo, woo, woo!"

Coming to the stage, from Los Angeles, California.

I know you're going to enjoy him, so give it up for

Brandon Bowlin.

[APPLAUSE]

[CHEERING]

New York, what up?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Good to see you all in this motherfucker.

In the house! Straight out from L.A. Man, I'm glad y'all...

Happy to see all these brothers and sisters.

Damn, y'all make me feel good!

'Cause we was out there gettin' buck nutty

for a couple weeks, weren't we?

Straight up, man. It was crazy.

Now, that news was comin' out. It was nothing but brothers lootin'.

Man, everybody was lootin'.

Everybody was doin' that. Everybody.

White people were lootin'.

Trying to say stuff in the hood so they wouldn't get their ass kicked and shit.

Messin' up their words.

[PANTING]

Hey...hey! You can't touch me.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Tryin' to jump in out of it. You know what I'm talking about?

See, but they can do that because of the messages that people send out.

You know, some of our brothers and sisters, they losin'.

They send those messages like Michael Jackson.

Black or white. Ain't that a bitch?

See, when you got $3 billion you can be ambiguous about that shit, right?

Right? When you broke, you black as a motherfucker.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Keep those things at the back of our minds, though. Y'know what I'm saying?

'Cause I remember when I was a little kid,

that shit was, you know, teachers would, those little, small things.

Little biased things, you know?

Teachers be in the class, "Johnny? Johnny?

"If Suzy had four apples and she gave me two, how many would she have?

"Two, right. Brandon, if Shaquiqua, the jungle bunny,

"had 15 watermelons and gave me five..."

Then I break on her, right, like I had Tourette's. You know?

I walk up there. I be like, "Uh... Bitch! Bitch!

"Slut! Slut!

"White devil! White devil!

"Murderer! Murderer!"

Right?

'Cause the little things in the back of our mind, little things.

Like, okay, we're the only people to take a derogatory word

and make it fraternal, right?

Like the word, "Nigga." You know what I'm talkin' about?

The word nigga. We get excited,

"Nigga! Wassup, nigga? Nigga, wassup?

"You my nigga! Come here, nigga!

"Sit down, nigga! Man, you my nigga!

"Man, much love! Nigga!"

You don't never see nobody else, like white people,

"Hey! Hey, peckerwood! My peckerwood, come here! My cracker, come here!

"Come here you no dancing bland potato salad cookin'

"thin lipped redneck alabaster glow in the dark skin

"son of a bitch! Come here!

"Come on! I love ya!"

[LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

It's a big problem. Big problem we have.

Like with our sisters. You know, we got them wearing all this wild shit.

Doesn't it... Look, it took me 19 years to realize this.

There's nothing better for a black man than a black woman.

Nothing. Nothing in this world. That's right.

Nothing. Goddamn right!

And you know, I tell my white wife every night, I say, "Baby..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

No, we give them... We give them this complex.

"Yo, baby. You got it going on.

"You know, you love... I love you, baby,

"but we was makin' love that nappy hair was just hittin' the headboard.

"You took the paint and varnish all off that motherfucker."

Make them do wild stuff.

See, 'cause I want a sister. I want a...

I want a chocolate, chocolate sister.

You know, them big... You know, them big noses? Big Nile noses.

Tilt her head I could see what she's thinking about.

That the type of sister I want.

And big lips! Big, big boomgambi lips.

Lips so big she had to breath through them first before she speaks to me.

[SNORTING] "Hi."

And hell, you know I don't care... I don't care!

I don't care if her hair is down here or if it's all right here.

As long as it's hers!

I went out with a sister and I knew it was her hair

because it was this goddamn long!

And she had curling iron burns all the way across the head.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And every mornin' [SCREAMING]

Left the house smellin' like butter.

I went with a sister, strong. That's what I'm talking about,

not just mentally, but physically too.

'Cause I went with a sister, she got... Oh, man!

She was making love...

You know, a man, when you makin' love, you on top, it's your time.

You know, you doin' your groove and she's just...

She just flipped me over. Just... [SCREAMING]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And started workin'!

[SHRUGGING]

Took me back to the motherland!

[TALKING GIBBERISH]

She hunkered down and said, "Ah!" And she locked!

And she stood up! Now I'm hangin' there, like...

And she start doin' domestic chores, you know.

Let me say something before I leave.

I want to say something because this is very important.

I come out here. A lot of black comics don't get in front of our people much,

so we get out here and grandstand, right?

Now, if I say some things that are a little off, you know,

it's 'cause we don't get to do it a lot.

And I want to let you know, if any people who are off-colored,

not black, Caucasians.

And I, you know, I set you off. I said anything, really,

to set you back or offend you,

I want to let you know I meant every goddamn word of it.

[CHEERING]

Change the mind, peace to the body!

[CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Give him another round of applause, please, because he meant it.

[APPLAUSE]

Meant all that shit.

Okay, now, from Indianapolis, Indiana...

Indiana got it goin' on,

just like all the states that I've been to.

Got it goin' on. I just want to thank you, while I'm here,

the people in your state for comin' out and supportin' me.

I love you. Love you very much.

Okay. And now he's livin' in Los Angeles,

but he's crazy, he's funny. Give it up for my man, T.P. Hearn.

[APPLAUSE]

[SHRIEKS]

How y'all doin'?

I feel good. I feel good, y'all!

I feel good all over.

I was at the hotel gettin' dressed. I fucked around, there like Michael.

Touched myself. I feel good!

Yes! Yeah! The world is crazy, y'all.

Some of the shit on in the world.

Let's see, in L.A. they're lootin'. They're lootin'.

They're riotin'. They just went nuts.

Niggas in L.A. lost they fuckin' mind.

Just went crazy. Just tore up shit.

I remember the first night it happened.

I came out, y'all. Flames was burnin'

and people was runnin' and stealing and fightin'

I was tryin' to get out the way,

but it was hard to run with all that shit in your hands.

So, I didn't... I'm serious. It was wild, y'all.

Y'all can laugh if y'all want to, but you get a lot of free shit when you're lootin'.

Good shit, too. Color TV. Got a VCR.

I got a lot of shit I didn't even need.

I got 300 candy bars.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

42 boxes of Kotex. I don't know what the fuck I'm gonna do with that shit.

I just use them when I meet girls.

"Hi, baby. You need a Tampax, didn't you?"

I don't know. You get a lot of shit, man, lootin'.

The world is crazy, y'all.

There's so much shit goin' on, in it.

Like that man.

I know y'all heard about that man.

That man from Milwaukee ate up them people.

You heard about that shit?

That was some sick shit. Wasn't it?

That man ate... You don't eat people!

Just like pig feet.

Put them in a pot. Pig feet, people feet... Ate them up!

Sick shit! Sick!

You can't trust nobody.

Don't trust your friends. They invite you over their house.

You don't know if they inviting you over for dinner

or if they inviting your ass over for dinner.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]You don't know!

Don't trust them! Don't trust them!

And they having a trial. Why? They broke in the man's house.

The man had six heads in his frigerator.

Now, you know that gives a whole new meaning to "Want some head?"

Don't it? Don't it? Don't it? Sick shit!

Don't trust nobody.

Whole damn world's going crazy, man. Too much shit.

And then the childrens.

That's a good subject, ain't it? Childrens.

Children, damn it, y'all so silly, childrens.

Little bitty ass people. Childrens.

You got some little children.

Children goin' crazy.

Turning their parents in to the police. It's ridiculous.

You know what you need to do? As soon as you get home tonight.

Beat they ass. Beat they asses!

If you have children, beat their ass.

When you go home tonight, just wake them up.

"Get up, you little fucker. Get up!" Beat them!

It ain't gonna hurt 'em! It'll make them better people. I'm tellin' you!

I'm not promoting child abuse, I'm just from the old school.

My parents told me, "Look, I brought your ass here and what?"

We didn't play that shit! Beat your ass.

I love children. I got children.

I got a little son. So be it, I beat his ass every day.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]Every day.

He be like, "Daddy, I ain't done nothing."

You will, and I beat his ass. Beat them!

'Cause they just say shit. They don't mean no harm.

They just say it. They don't me no harm.

Like, he got me in trouble with his teacher, right?

I can't stand her. I hate her. I hate her!

She call my house all the damn time. Called me the other day.

"You know I had to expel your son from school?"

I said, "What did he do?"

"'Cause I asked him to say a word, he said a bad word and explained it."

I said, "Well, what did he say?"

"Well, you ask him. He's on his way home." I said, "Thank you."

Bitch. I hate her. I hate her!

He come boppin' his little ass in the house like this.

I said, "Hey! Come here. Come here, damn it!

"What you do? I ain't do nothin'. Yes you did. What did you do?

"'Cause that bitch called here. What did you do?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

He said, "I didn't do nothin'.

"She asked me to say a word, begin with P and I told her."

I said, "What did you say?" "I said penis.

"Penis being with P, don't it?

"I told her penis begins with P and Daddy got two of 'em."

"She said, 'No he don't.' I said, 'Yes he do...'

"'No he don't.' 'Yes he do.'"

"I said, 'My daddy got two 'cause he got a little one that he pee with

"and he got a big one that he brush mama's teeth with.'"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Damn!

[LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

I got... Look. Look.

Listen up, Listen up.

I got to get ready to go. You know I love New York. I love New York, y'all.

I had a wonderful time. I had a wonderful time here.

Matter of fact, the last time I was here...

And I don't lie, I just tell you what happened.

Last time I was here, I had a great time. I had too good a time.

Hangin' out with that God damn Martin.

Tryin'... You know, because Martin got money, y'all.

I ain't got no money. I'm tryin' to hang out with him.

I got broker than a motherfucker. I spent all my money, right?

And I had to go down, I'm not ashamed,

to the bank and get some money.

You know where that's at. Right there on 143rd. Don't laugh.

'Cause a couple of y'all look familiar.

But let me tell ya what happened.

I noticed when I got there that there was two...

A big place, huge place. Had two lines instead of one.

Had one line for the blood bank, had another line for sperm bank.

It did. I wouldn't lie.

Sign said, "$10 for blood. $20 for sperm."

I got in the sperm line. But wait a minute. Let me tell you what happened.

I noticed when I got in the line there was a woman.

A woman, in line in front of me.

Yeah. Same thing I thought. So I tapped on her shoulder. I said, "Ma'am? Miss Ma'am?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Don't you think you're in the wrong damn line?"

She turned around, she said, "Mm-mm. Mmm mmm mm."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

T.P. Hearns. T.P. Hearns. T.P. Hearns.

Okay. Settle down.

Can he get any happier? That's a...woo! T.P. Hearn. God damn.

All right. Comin' to the stage from Houston, Texas,

give it up for Rashion McDonald.

[APPLAUSE]

All the black people in the house say, "Ow..."

AUDIENCE: Ow!Just checkin'.

I like scary movies. That's my thing.

I like takin' black women to scary movies.

By applause how many black women like scary movies? Clap.

[APPLAUSE]

So, I like taking black women to scary movies because they participate...

In scary movies.

They're tryin' to save the actors on the screen.

Like they can hear 'em.

"Don't go in there."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"He standin' behind the door with an ax.

"Don't... Don't..." [SCREAMS]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

She scream, you drop a loaf.

Hold my popcorn, I'll be right back.

Can't you smell me?

I like the way women protect themselves from that fear when they get home.

Like gettin' in bed and pullin' up blankets.

Like what's ever scaring them ain't comin' through that damn bedspread.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Like, if Jason really did exist,

he's gonna break down that bedroom door.

Damn! I'm too late.

She's protected by the damn bedspread.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

She's in that bed, blanket up to her eyeballs.

That's right, Mr. Boogeyman, double-lined bedspread, homie.

Go get my man. He in the bathroom.

And tell me this, how's it people who snore to fall asleep first?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Huh? You in your bedroom tryin' to go to sleep.

These people come in, "Oh, I'm not that sleepy, dear."

[SNORING]

Suckin' all the air out of the house.

[SNORING AND SCRATCHING THROAT]

You know when you hear this noise [SCRATCHING THROAT] you in for a long night.

You ever hear your father snore?

This man be snoring for decades.

He sounds like a lawn mower.

[SNORING]

[CONTINUES SNORING]

Then, right in the middle of his snoring he'll stop breathin' on you.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You don't know what to do.

Do you need help?

Wake up, old man! Do you need help?

I am nine years old with bags under my eyes! Do you need help?

Don't worry, he won't wake up.

Drop a bomb on the house. That man won't wake up.

Don't let him fall asleep in front of that television set and turn that off.

[SNORTS]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I was watching that.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Man can't rest his eyes in his own goddamn house!

Turn that damn TV back on, boy!

Don't let me get out this chair.

As if he could.

'Cause I had a real vivid imagination as a kid.

I remember one time, my father came out of the house

diggin' in his underwear, right.

He said, "Rashion, come here. Would you do something for me."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"I don't think so, Dad.

"Not when you diggin' in your ass."

'Cause my dad didn't give a shit where it was. He still diggin' in his ass.

Bein' in the store, "Well, hold up, son!

"Almost got it. Hold up!

"I'll be in the checkout line in a minute. Hold up."

Be barbecuing, "Why ain't nobody eatin' no barbecue?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Why ain't nobody eatin' no goddamn barbecue?

"Hold up. Almost got it this time. Hold on. Wrong side. Okay.

"Okay. The corn's ready. Come and get it."

You guys keep busy. I'm out of here. Rashion McDonald.

Thank you very much. Buh-bye.

Rashion! Rashion! Give him a round of applause!

Aight! Comin' to the stage, my man from my hometown, and you know,

'cause we all that in the Metro and the Merlin and the D.C. area.

This is my man, he rocked the show last time he was on and he's here to do it again.

Give it up for my man, Ted Carpenter.

[APPLAUSE]

Hey! Y'all 'member a motherfucker, don't ya?

[CHEERING]

Yeah! I'm gonna do that shit again!

I just want to start out sayin' that I don't like comedy!

I don't like it!

If this shit wasn't part of my work release program

I wouldn't be doin' this shit today.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

But we just gonna do this show right here. Everybody with me?

AUDIENCE Yeah!TED CARPENTER: All right.

Look at all these pretty black women in New York.

God damn! Fellas, are the women in New York

the baddest women you ever seen, by round of applause?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

No, that was weak! That was weak, watch this.

Black women, y'all look good! Clap for yourself!

[CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]That's right!

I don't need a motherfucker to clap for me!

I makes my own money around this motherfucker!

I love women, man, but I only date certain types.

I don't date no more cute women.

Hell no. Hell no, I ain't datin' you so don't ask me.

Cute women get you hurt, man. They fuck around and get you killed, man.

I'm serious. Look how pretty you are.

Me and you datin', brother jump on my head, would you help me out?

Wrong fuckin' answer.

She'd get my ass killed, won't she?

Don't kill him! Don't hurt him! Y'all gonna hurt him!

I need me a ugly woman.

Ugly for no fuckin' reason at all.

Just ugly. Make you mad type ugly.

Just see her and say, "Oh, God damn, that's ugly!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Ah!

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

That's what I'm lookin' for!

I want her big, too. Big. I want a big fuckin' woman.

Where they... Big girls, raise your hand.

Big girls, raise your... Oh, don't make me start

pointing motherfuckers out here?

Don't even try! Don't even try it.

I want me a big woman.

Two forty-five, two fifty.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

'Cause a big girl is aggressive, man.

Big woman know how to make...they aggressive.

They say shit to you like, "Let me get up on top."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Don't that shit make you dizzy just thinkin' about it?

Let me get up on top.

Say, "Bitch, you crazy! You know I ain't got no fuckin' insurance!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

But I told y'all, big girls aggressive, man. They aggressive!

They want you to tear it up! They always want it from the back too.

And ass everywhere, man. Big girl, ass to the right of ya.

Ass to the left of ya.

Crack look like a big ol' doorway.

Swear to God, niggas.

Sometimes you can kind of get in the motherfucker and pull back.

Sometimes they reach back and, "Come on, motherfucker!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I like to do it nice and slow. You know, nice and easy.

You know, when you got a long dick, you ain't gonna go nowhere.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

See, some of y'all niggers be...

But see, my thing is, I believe black people can work together.

And ladies and gentlemen, I'm gonna do something.

This is a very old trick. It goes back to vaudeville, 1933.

It's a very old joke. I did not write it,

but I perfected the motherfucker

and I'm gonna do it for you tonight. Aight?

I gotta pick somebody.

[IMITATING DRUM ROLL]

That old pretty motherfucker. Come here.

In the halter top, come here.

Yes. Hurry up, baby. I ain't got a lot of time.

I'm on a work release program. Come on!

Come on up here.

Bring yo ass. Give her a round of applause.

[APPLAUSE]

Now, I'm gonna show that people...

See, we got a myth that black people can't work together, which is bullshit.

We can work together. I don't know this lady.

Do you know anybody here other than, you know... You know, all your girls?

That's it?

All right. How you doin'?

She's a bad motherfucker, ain't she?

You know any people over there?

Pow! Okay, now listen, sweetheart.

This is a very old trick and we gonna do this and work together.

You gotta work with me on this, all right?

Aight. Now, come... Come behind me.

Come behind me. Very old trick. Come close.

Put your titties on my back.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Now listen, darlin', we are going to become as one. Okay?

I'm the body, you're the hands.

I take my hand, put it in my pocket,

and if I see the brothers to the right of me

and I want to wave to them, I say, "Wassup!"

I ain't no fag, now.

Get a... Wassup. That's right.

With a rhythm. With a rhythm.

With a rhythm. Aight?

So, everybody understand what we doin'?

Everybody understand? So I gotta make up a story.

I'm on a basketball court and I'm chilin' out. I'm dribbling the ball.

I'm cool though, baby.

I'm... That's double dribble, God damn it.

Dribble, there you go.

Dribble the ball.

Yeah, I ain't gonna spin it yet.

Just dribble the ball. Change hands, change hands, change hands.

Yeah. Round the back, round the back...

'Round the... 'Round the... 'Round the back.

Little slow, but that's all right.

Now, real cool jump shot. Jump shot.

Yeah. Give it up for her!

Say, "Didn't I see Tyrone?" I said, "Tyrone! Come...

"Hey..."[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

She just jumpin' the shit, ain't she?

Come here, Tyrone! Come here! Come... Come here!

Come... Come... Come... Come here!

Come here! Yes!

[CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

So, I say, "Look, man. I'm going down to Russell's comedy show.

"You know Russell Simmons?

"You know, the dude who don't like to pay Ted that much money?"

And...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"I'm goin' down to the comedy show, man.

"And... Oh, man! I heard some... There be some bad women down there.

"Man, I met a girl last week.

"Man, she had these big ass titties. Her titties was like...

"Pow! I'm serious! Had this big ass!

"Her ass was like... Her ass was like...

"Just... Patow!

"That was her motherfuckin' ass!

"I'm serious! I'm serious!"

So, you know, when you on the corner just talkin' shit with all your boys.

You know, your boys, like you talk all that shit! You know... You know.

[LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

And I'm the motherfuckin' nigga, too, when the niggas get together

they like to hold they shit, you know.

And so, I like to hold my shit, too. You know what I'm sayin'?

I like to... I like to hold my shit.

I like to just hold my motherfuckin' shit! Boom!

[CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Well, there we have it!

Y'all made it possible.

Russell, come on up. Say good night, man.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Thank y'all for comin' out. God bless you and goodnight!

[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING]

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