Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

KID CAPRI: It's the Russell SimmonsDef Comedy Jam.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

And now your host, Martin Lawrence.

[APPLAUSE]

So Kid Capri, how's your tooth? I know, give...

Give him a round of applause, 'cause his tooth is not... It's bothering him.

So crank it up and love him and smell him and adore him.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Oh boy. How you all doin'? Thank you, for joining us again.

How you all doin'?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

God damn.

[CHEERING CONTINUES]

I didn't say anything.

Do we...

What the fuck are you, Patti LaBelle's li'l brother, what the fuck is going on?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

When are we gonna learn?

What? What are you thinking about?

You just said this is me, love me, know me, feel me.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]]

What the fuck?

Hey, I don't know, I don't know.

Oh, only in New York.

I'm tellin' ya, in New York, come on y'all some...

Not y'all, 'cause y'all the... You know,

but this a weird motherfuckin' town.

Just... Just steam piss comin' out of the ground.

Just... I'm not lying, I saw, I was walkin' and I swear to you

there was this brother in the daytime just pissin'.

Just pissin' in the day time,

and the cop told him to move over 'cause he had to piss, too.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Clean up New York. Please send money.

Help clean this up.

Damn. They got the...

What do they got here the... The street corner preachers?

Ain't that? That's cool. I like that.

'Cause them brothers always tell you they just got out of jail,

always tryin' to drop knowledge on you.

"Say little brother, can I speak to you for a minute?

"You look like you are lost."

"No I'm goin' to 125th Street, that's where I'm goin'. I know where I'm goin'."

"No brother, I'm saying you lost within your mind.

"See, when we can rise as a people

"and develop our minds and try to get in to what we're tryin' to do

"then I think that we can kinda do our thing, see." You know what I'm sayin'?

"All right. Long time ago, brother, I was incarcerated.

"They had called me the inmate.

"You know what I'm sayin'? That's what I am, okay.

"I am a...a prisoner of this system. You know what I'm sayin'?

"We gotta learn how to grab one another, bring each other up,

"lift each other up.

"How can we do that?

"Brother, I'm like this, all right, shit.

"How can I do that? Well for 5.99 I can make sure you..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I'll give you all the knowledge you need.

[SHRUGS]

New York, I love ya. Love ya. I think you're great.

I truly do.

Let's clean it up.

How you doin', brother? Very colorful.

See, I like that. See that, that was nice.

He's very cool, see how he, brother's just like,

"Hey peace, you know, like motherfucker I'm sittin' here

"but you don't intimidate me, fucker."[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

See I like that, see. That's a bad motherfucker.

Like all right? Well go on with your motherfuckin' show then.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

'Cause see, that's how we got to greet each other.

Man you know what I'm sayin' how brothers say,

"Wassup? Wassup? How you doin' partner, how you feelin' today?" Like that.

How come we can't do that, man?

Brothers act like they can't speak to other brothers.

"Wassup man? Fuck up with you?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Motherfucker, you all in my mouth."

Women do that same shit. We gotta stop this.

Women, you know you all do that shit.

[APPLAUSE]

They hate when another woman come in there.

Come into the room.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Look at that bitch."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I'm just sayin' you do not wear no sandals with a dress, okay?

You don't do that, all right?"

White people speak to yo' ass like a mother, don't they?

When it's... When... Like a lot of black people, won't they speak to ya?

They're funky when it's just like...

If you're just one black person and there's a whole lot of white.

White people get very funky with ya'. "How ya' doin' there?"

Psst.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"What the fuck does he want?"

Let a gang of black people say, "How you doin'?"

"Hi, how you doin'?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Somethin' I can get y'all? Somethin' I can take ya? All righty.

"Fuckin' all righty.

"Don't want no violence. Just want to love ya."

Okay, here we go.

Coming to the stage is Houston's chocolate kiss.

And I know you goin' to enjoy it

so fasten your seat belt for Thea Vidale.

Give it up.

[APPLAUSE]

[CHEERING]

Hey, how ya doin'?

AUDIENCE: Hello.

I know y'all ain't never this beautiful womaness before, huh?

These titties is mine. I grew these myself.

They don't leak or nothin'.

Man, I been watchin' the news. I get depressed about shit.

The media is full of shit.

They make us look stupid, they must think we're crazy.

Media full of shit.

Like the time they was talkin' about Jeffrey Dahmer.

Saying the man was crazy 'cause he ate them people.

Now I been eaten by plenty of men, I ain't called nobody crazy.

[LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

I called 'em back but I didn't call 'em crazy.

Called some of 'em good, but I didn't call 'em crazy.

But I give Jeffrey credit, he must have had a thing for dark meat.

I guess white meat was a little bit too dry.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And my boy, Mike Tyson, the poor nigger, he done gone to jail.

Made an example out of his ass.

And I don't know why he felt he had to rape that girl

'cause he had $60 million.

$60 million, you ain't got to rape no pussy.

Pussy is comin' out the heavens for your ass.

Pussy juice being sprinkling in your face every mornin'.

Grandmama showing you her pussy.

"Baby you want some of this?"

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

'Cause be honest, homeboy,

for a million dollars you'd fuck Mike Tyson, wouldn't ya, Daddy?

Thank you for tellin' the truth.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I have brothers tell me, "No, I wouldn't fuck him."

Hell, yeah, I'd fuck the Pope in a Klansman robe for a million dollars.

Make him cum for three.

Shit.

I know about fuckin'. I got four children,

all by the same man, unfortunately.

Ain't like I wasn't tryin'.

I love my children, I had 'em, they mine.

But it's gettin' close to summertime.

That's the worse time of year for a parent

'cause you gotta deal with their little ass all day long.

And wherever you go, they go.

And you have to have that little speech with them in the car.

You know the one where you grit your teeth like Patton so they believe you.

"When we get in the grocery store, you don't want shit,

"you don't need shit, don't look at shit, don't touch shit,

"you ain't gettin' shit."

[LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

"You don't have to pee.

"If you do, hold it till you bust.

"Don't make me drop kick your ass through this store."

And do you remember when you were little,

your momma and dad get ready to go out somewhere,

you'd run out the door behind them yellin',

"Bring me something back. Bring me something back."

And they bring you back a stick of gum,

you the happiest little piece of shit in the world?

I'm scared of bringing my kids home a stick of gum.

"Bitch, what is this?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"I said bring me something back.

"You better get your black ass out there and get me a Nintendo."

[CHEERING]

And last summer, I was blessed to spend time with my classmate,

somebody I grew up with.

And the one thing I remember about her is that she hit her mother.

I have never hit my momma 'cause that bitch is crazy.

[APPLAUSE]

My momma so bad, I dreamed I hit her

and the bitch killed me. Know what I'm sayin'?

And havin' her children be with my children, one thing I realize is that

white folks rear their children differently from black folks.

That's why they kill them in they sleep and shit at night,

they ain't scared of them.

And I send my twins, Hellfire and Damnation

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

When you have your children, you name them the fuck you want to name them.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I send them to parochial school

and the majority of their friends happen to be white.

I don't have no problem with that because I don't hate white folks.

Some of my best friends hate them.

But anyway...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And the other day Hellfire came over to me

says one of the most ridiculous shit I ever heard in my life.

The other day, she walks up to me and goes,

"Like Mom, like, the other day in school..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"...they told us if you hit us with a belt or a switch or an extension cord

"and like leave marks on our bodies,

"that we can call an 800 number and the police will come and take you to jail."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I said, "Bitch, you gotta make it to the phone."

[LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

"Who are you fuckin' with?"

And my children fight so much. Do your children fight?

It's like nature's way of saying you should have given head, isn't it?

[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING]

Sometimes on a bad day I just look at mine and I go, "I could have swallowed you."

[APPLAUSE]

You guys have been fun, thanks.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Thea Vidal, Thea Vidal.

Hook me up, Thea. Hook me up.

Now, keep it up. A long time ago in Roanoke, Virginia

I had did a show out... I was out there

and I had the opportunity of working with this brother and it was a lot of fun.

And so I'm just glad he's on the show here to perform for you tonight.

So from...my man from Boston, give it up for Melvin George II.

[APPLAUSE]

[CHEERING]

Good evening.

The name is Melvin George II, I'm from Boston, Massachusetts.

It's okay, I live in New York now.

Probably can't tell to look at me, but I'm not cool.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I'm not.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Last time I was here somebody broke into my car and stole my luggage.

So I figured I'd come back just to see what everybody's wearin'.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I travel all over this country doing comedy, and I can tell you one thing right now.

No matter what city I go to, whenever it rains,

the best drivers in the world become idiots behind the wheel.

You know what I'm talkin' about?

I see so many accidents in my rear view mirror.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

It's great to be here on the Def Jam.

I've been doin' comedy for a long time now with no recognition.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I'm glad you enjoy that.

Getting to the point where I can walk down the street

and recognize people that have been in my audience.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Tell you right now, I don't do dick jokes.

I start joking like that, people start looking at my long fingers, you know,

start hearing my deep voice and want my shoe size.

Then they start thinking, "The guy's well hung."

I don't want anyone to focus on that, it's no big deal.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I mean, what good is it being so well-endowed

if every time you get an erection,

you draw all the blood out of your body and faint?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Some of you are laughing. Some of you are sitting there going,

"I don't get it."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I'm not cool. But you wanna know what is cool?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Not too long ago, my wife gave birth to an eight pound two ounce baby boy.

[APPLAUSE]

Yup, I'm an uncle.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

No, I'm joking, I'm joking, it's a joke.

Hey listen, just listen, all right,

after watchin' my wife carry my child for nine months,

I think women are the superheroes of the human race.

I really do.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

'Cause you have a power guys don't have.

You can pass life through your body. Guys can't do that.

See, I learned, I learned a woman's pelvis bone,

has to separate so the child can pass through it.

That's got to be very painful,

I mean, I can't speak for you guys,

but if my little peepee hole started going...

[VOCALIZING][AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Abortion would be the law.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I respect my wife very much.

I just don't respect the guys that call my house to talk to her.

I'm a jealous guy.

I didn't realize I was jealous till this guy called my house

to talk to my wife when she wasn't home.

I actually challenged the guy, over the phone,

to see whose voice was deeper.

That's jealousy when you're standing there going,

"Hello? Hello, is Cheryl there?"

[IN DEEPER VOICE] "No, I'm sorry, Cheryl's not here, can I take a message?"

[SPEAKING IN DEEP HUSKY VOICE] "Well, would you just tell her Sid called please."

"Okay, Sid, I'll tell her that you called, anything else?"

"No, just tell her that I called, all right."

[MUMBLING IN DEEP VOICE]

You've been a lot of fun. I'm Melvin George II, enjoy the rest of the show.

Thank you very much and good night.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Comin' to the stage, Terry Tuff.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Keep it goin' for Martin Lawrence, y'all give it up.

Clap, damn it.

And I'm a hostile black man.

Y'all ain't goin' to guess who I saw comin' over here.

Sammy Davis Jr.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Oh, okay, white folk can see Elvis, but I can't see Sammy, motherfuckers.

[LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

But I'm hostile 'cause they put my boy in jail.

He didn't rape that girl.

You want me to tell you how I know?

The bitch's neck wasn't broke, was it?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You'll know if Mike rape your ass,

something going to be broke.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

But you know if Mike did rape that girl,

I know that was a wild scenario.

When you see Mike rapin' 'em...

Mike talkin' about...

[MIKE TYSON VOICE] Basically...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Basically you're pissing me off.

This whole situation is absolutely ludicrous.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

It's phenomenal, it's astronomical, you're pissing me off.

I'm the greatest boxer of all time.

I'm so physically intimidating.

I'm a very massive guy, very massive guy.

Desiree, you're pissing me off.

Move your hand.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Just move... Desiree just... Just move your hand.

Desiree, just...

Okay, that's it. Don, hold her legs. Motherfucker.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Don talkin' about, "Only in America, motherfucker, only in..."

Ali was a champ, he never got accused of rape, did he?

It ain't like he wasn't havin' sex.

Ali had a baby in every state.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I believe Sugar Ray Leonard his son, he look just like him.

[CLEARING THROAT]

Ali just talk a woman out of her drawers, though, Ali.

I want you to take them big drawers off lay them over there on the dresser.

I'm going to shake up the whole apartment building. They going to say that's Ali.

He's the greatest, he's the greatest lover... Make you scream,

say, "Ali, you're too legit to quit."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Say, "Hurt me, hurt me, Ali."

So I'm gonna make you scream, say, "Oh Ali. I'm pullin' the penis out,"

you gonna say, "It's the prettiest penis of all time."

I'm the greatest, I'm the greatest penis, I'm just gonna cum,

it feels good, it's gonna come, here it is, it feels good,

say,"Mmm..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

But you know who I notice who can't handle women?

Religious leaders.

Ralph Abernathy in Atlanta, Georgia

came out of his mouth with some crazy shit.

Come talkin' about Dr. King had sex with other women.

I said, "Get out of here."

You know he loved Coretta, she was the apple of his eye.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Talkin' about he listened outside the bedroom door,

heard Dr. King makin' love noises.

I said, "I couldn't picture Dr. King making love noises, could you?

"I couldn't picture Dr. King talkin about...

"I want you to pick your leg up..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"But don't stop there."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"I want you to stand up and say, 'Dr. King, let's get busy.'"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

But don't stop there.

I want you to stand up and say,

"Dr. King, you're the greatest lover of all time."

But don't stop there.

And when you get that funny feelin',

I want you to stand up and shout out that ole negro bedroom lingo.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"I came at last, I came at last.

"Thank God almighty, I came at last."

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Tuff. See ya.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Yo, keep the energy goin'.

Comin' to the stage is my man.

Every chance we get in L.A. to hang out, we hang out.

Acting crazy, but he's one of the funniest brothers out there,

he's from St. Louis.

He was on a show, he rocked and he's going to rock again, give it up for my man

Y'all watch out up front, Joe Torry.

[APPLAUSE]

Uh, wassup?

If y'all ready for this last laugh let me hear you say, "Hell yeah."

AUDIENCE: Hell yeah.

All right, give Martin a round of applause,

there's field rat lookin' at us.

[APPLAUSE]

Def Jam back in the house.

All these fuckin' braids in the damn house, look at this shit.

Hit like a bag of ole fuckin' jump ropes, don't it?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Damn, tie y'all shit together and play double dutch on this motherfucker.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Okay, look at that big ol' red dress on.

What are you, some Christmas ornament or some shit?

Damn, sittin' there with a ribbon and shit, she all cute and shit.

"I'm going to the Def Jam."

How you doin'?

Yeah, you know you goin' to get it.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I know you trying to be natural, but that's too motherfuckin' natural.

That is naturally nappy.

Look at her shit.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Uh, damn!

Split ends got split ends.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Do you see this shit?

You came out like this, I'm gonna fuck with your ass.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Damn, is there a beautician in the house?

Get some rollers down.

You like old broke-ass Queen Latifah.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Yo shit.

Big old beige woman, look at herself.

How y'all doin' out in the front row?

Some ugly feet, and ashy too, look at them motherfuckers.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You need to soak your shit in some baby oil or some shit.

Put them mother... Put them feet in a crock pot

and just marinate your motherfuckers.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Sittin' in the front with some ashy-ass feet.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Look like you been kicking flour.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

What the fuck?

That's a goddamn shame.

Motherfuckin' shame.

Kickin' free in the house? Kickin'.

I wanted to come out to a Ray,

I wanted to come out to Atomic Dog.

He wouldn't even play the motherfucker.

Tell me, "I got something that sound just like it."

Fuck that. I knew you when you was Kid Pinto.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Went straight to Capri and shit.

When you goin' to be Kid Benz?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Dumb. I'm goin' to spend this little Def Jam check, too,

they give my ass and shit.

Def Jam check, government take all my fuckin' money out.

I ain't got no kids, no property, government just took all my shit.

'Cause I know who the Federal and Social Security shit is, right.

But who the fuck is FICA?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Oh man, who's them motherfuckers on the check?

They should be FUCKYA 'cause that's what they do to your ass.

For real. Now, I got insurance now.

Shit, I didn't have insurance, I got insurance now.

You can best believe it, this shit pay like 80%.

I go to every motherfuckin' doc there is.

Every doctor, motherfuckin' hair doctor, foot, eye, I don't give a fuck.

I ain't bullshittin'. I went to the gynecologist

just to see what the fuck he was doin'.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Fuck that.

'Cause you got to get the fuck over, you got to get over.

When they was lootin' in LA, shit, I was right down with the motherfuckers. Fuck that.

I ain't got no morals when it come to that shit.

I'm takin' advantage of all the shit I can.

Fine, I was stealing some shit,

got some shit outside on sale too.

Yeah, motherfucker on the way out...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

...sell you some shit. I ain't been out of town,

I've been downtown buying shit and stealing shit. Fuck it.

You know the bad thing that came out of the lootin' and shit,

'cause you know the white guy got beat up, Reginald Denny.

I mean you know, you can't help that shit, but God damn, man.

Brought this shit on yourself. You were fuckin' South Central on verdict day?

Just crusin' like a motherfucker.

You out your goddamn mind.

Shouldn't have been crusin'. How'd the fuck anybody in a big-ass truck

goin' to let some motherfuckers whip their ass?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

He should have been runnin' niggers straight the fuck over.

I'd a been like... [IMITATING ENGINE REVVING]

Motherfucker, I'm gonna back squash all of you motherfuckers.

He goin' get out here, "What do you want, what do you want?"

That's what you want, motherfucker.

That's what your ass get, bein' friendly and shit.

Shit don't pay that white boy shit. You got to take it right up...

Crazy ass shit, crazy.

Jeffrey Dahmer ass, he's crazy, that's crazy.

Remember that eat 'em up mother?

He don't want to go to the store no more. Prices too high.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Fuck it, he ain't cuttin' out no coupons, fuck that.

He wanna eat motherfuckers.

Eat mother, just some crazy... 'Cause they white people crazy.

I'm sayin' you see them on Rescue 911every time, 'cause they crazy.

Black people ain't crazy. 'Cause you seen the black chick?

The black woman there that was talkin' to Jeffrey Dahmer.

She's goin' one up on that motherfucker. Remember in the jail?

"I'll fuck you up, Jeffrey." But the bitch knew how far like, to go.

The bitch was like, "Oh, ah..."

Jeffrey was like, "Bring your ass over here, bitch, come on.

"I may be goin' to jail, but I ain't lost my appetite, bitch."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Peace y'all. Joe Torry, I'm gone.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

There's Joe Torry.

That's my man.

Yeah.

Now we want to thank y'all for makin' this evenin' possible again.

Let me bring my man Russell Simmons up.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Thanks for coming out. Good night, God bless you.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

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