Original subtitles

KID CAPRI: It's the Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

KID CAPRI: And now your host, Martin Lawrence!

Give him a round of applause, Kid Capri.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

My man. My man in the house.

My man in the place to be... Thank you.

How you guys doing? Thank you for joining us for another Def Comedy Jam,

give yourself a round of applause.

[APPLAUSE]

For what moments we have here together.

[EXHALES] I'm just looking around.

Where the white people, today? They generally join us.

Where are they? Hi, we have someone back there.

I don't know if the camera can get her.

She starred in Throw Momma From The Train, how you doing?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

How you doing?

Loved you.

Loved you in that, you were excellent!

You tore it up.

Wanna thank you for coming out.

If I was looking for damn-near white, I'd go to you.

[LAUGHING]

But I'm not looking for that.

[LAUGHS] How you doing?

All righty.

Nah, I kid, I kid.

'Cause I, I don't want... The white people at home, I play with y'all, we love ya,

we just joking with ya,

but we have to mess with ya.

'Cause is it is me or planes?

Do white stewardesses choose who they wanna say bye-bye to?

Like it could be like four white people and you're like the fifth,

and they go, "Bye-bye, bye-bye, all right, bye-bye now, bye-bye..."

[SIGHS]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Don't speaker to me, mother...

Bye to me. [GIGGLES]

How you girls doing? Y'all just look all good.

How ya feel?

WOMAN: Fine.Fine and you? What, I didn't ask you yet!

She's fine.

I just... You, how you doing, brother? I just love messing with people.

Why the glasses? I don't understand.

What, can you not see me or just, are you that cool?

What the fuck is going on?

You a big cool motherfucker? What...

Take the glasses off, man.

Are you high?

Goddamn right, look, he high... He's like...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Why don't you go ahead with that, man? [LAUGHS]

Oh, we just having fun, we just throwing it out.

How you doing? I guess you're dancing.

I knew it.

That's beautiful, though, I love, see, I love that when you see our young people here

with us and dancing. I'd rather see you dancing,

'cause we're killin' each other. Let's stop this.

[APPLAUSE]Please.

I'm scared of young boys today.

I'm scared of them, man.

There used to be a time you could say,

"Boy, go on about your business before I tell your mother on ya ass."

When you say that shit now, you ain't tellin' no motherfucking body!

Pow!

Ah, ah, ah, why?

We coulda had somethin'.

Coming to the stage, this is my man.

I had the pleasure of meeting him in Atlanta.

And he went out on the road with me.

I think he truly is a good brother.

Why? Because he has God in his heart,

and we all should, and make sure you keep it there.

Give it up for my man from Atlanta, Georgia, Jonathan Slocumb.

[MUSIC PLAYING][APPLAUSE]

Tonight's HBO Def Comedy Jamis brought to you by

the Jackson Hair Care Products.

And to introduce the Jackson hair care line, please welcome

the Reverend Jesse Jackson.

[APPLAUSE]

Good evening,

or good afternoon.

Maybe you're watching in California, good morning.

I'm the Reverend Jesse Jackson.

You know, every day

people come up to me and they say,

"Jesse,

"oh, Jesse,

"whatcha gonna do?

"Because you didn't get to be President,

"and ya didn't get to be Vice-President, Jesse!

"Whatcha gonna do?"

Well, that's a good question,

and, of course, the answer is very, very,

very, very, very, very,

very, very simple. I'm gonna travel the country

addressing all the pertinent issues.

I'm going on Arsenio.

I'm going on Geraldo,

and hang out with Harpo. Of course, that's backwards for Oprah.

But the issue of the day is not that. I'm here on a mission.

As I travel the country, I don't mind the warm embraces

from my brothers and sisters, you know,

more hug,

less drug.

But the problem lies when black people leave them huggin' in.

They normally leave a greasy stain on my suit.

And it's not because of nationality,

and it's not because of skin tone.

But the problem lies with those who still got that nasty dripping Jheri curl.

So, tonight I'm here to say down with Jheri curl

and introducin' up

with my new Jesse curl.

This allows our people to have their naturally curly hair

with no artificial preservatives.

So, I want you to say my motto with me now,

I can be happy.

AUDIENCE: I can be happy.

When my hair is nappy.

AUDIENCE: When my hair is nappy.

See. when you wake up in the morning and it's kinky with lint in it,

God wanted it that way, it's a black thing, you ain't know?

All the ladies, stand up on your feet, ladies. Stand up wherever you are.

Just stand up right now. Ladies, stand up on your feet.

Come on, ladies, stand up. Are you a lady? Are you a lady? Stand up!

I want the ladies to understand you can move up in the world.

I want you to say ladies, "I can achieve."

LADIES: I can achieve.

Without a weave.LADIES: Without a... [LAUGHING]

JONATHAN: God bless ya, keep on what you've got.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

Hoo!

Yay.

All right.

All righty.

I know a lot of y'all got 'em, so, I better be cool with it.

Hey, do me a favor. Be really happy and proud to be black.

Make some noise for me, come on. [APPLAUSE]

Be proud about it. Because everything that God gave the world

the gift of blackness and we appreciate that.

So, be proud about it, all right? But one thing you gotta understand,

we got our own everything, yo, we got it going on, black people.

We got our own judge,

Clarence.

We got our own detergent. The white people got theirs, ya know.

"Oh, bring the clothes, I just want to go washing.

"I'm full of Cheer!"

We got our own,

"Put 'em in the washing machine 'cause I'm tired, I'm..."

And we got our own language.

We have our own language. We can take a whole paragraph,

sentence or sentence fragment and condense it into one word.

I'm gonna give you a sample.

The word is spelt D-A-N-E, pronounced Dane. Y'all say Dane.

AUDIENCE: Dane.And here's the sentence,

"Hey man, where dat money you owe me?

"Dane whatcha ya say last week."

[LAUGHS]

One, two more, one more, one more.

Also, my brothers are leaving from the corporate world every day and they say,

"Hey Bob," the other guy say, "Bob, I give you a call, take care,

"we'll see you tomorrow."

My brothers' go one word, A-A-H-I-T-E-D-E-N.

Aahite-den.[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Aahite. Aahite 'den.

And one I want y'all to use 'cause I saw two ladies downtown last night

talking about coming to the HBO Def Comedy Jam.

"You going to the Def Comedy Jam?"

The normal response would be, "Certainly I am, I purchased my ticket."

No, but she went S-H-O-L-E-A-H.

"Sholeah...[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Done bought my ticket, honey."

As a matter fact, once I used that word. God sure is good, ain't he, y'all?

AUDIENCE: Sholeah!

And don't you forget it, count your blessings.

I'm Jonathan Slocumb. Thank you!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

Jonathan Slocumb, give him a round of applause, please.

Okay, coming to the stage from Brooklyn, New York,

I know you're gonna enjoy him, give it up for the great Kris Kringle. Give it up!

[APPLAUSE]

Wassup, New York? Make some noise!

[CHEERING]

All right, keep it down,

it's time to learn the lesson.

That's right, the lesson, no comedy.

Now it's not a lesson in communism,

and it's not a lesson in racism.

It's a lesson in Kringleism,

the way I see things in life.

Now I know there's some smart brother out there sayin',

"What he be knowin' that I can't learn?"

Let me paint the pictures.

Let me. Kringleism is like ingenuity.

My grandmother has Kringleism.

Here's an example, she's ingenious.

My grandmother is making money,

she got a video.

Gospel aerobics and self-defense.

And I rent this thing, here comes my grandmother,

"How da folks at Def Jam say amen?"

AUDIENCE: Amen.

Say it again!

AUDIENCE: Amen!

Yes, yes, y'all.

We gonna start the gospel aerobics

with the Oh Lord stretches,

with inspirational verses.

Ready now?

Sister Jones' son, Bobby, is smokin' crack!

Oh, Lord!

Oh, Lord!

We need a big stretch now,

he done stolded her television.

Oh, Lord!AUDIENCE: Oh, Lord!

Now that the church is all warmed up,

we gonna do 10

"Thank you, Jesus."

Ready now?

And...

Thank you, Jesus.

Thank you, Jesus.

Thank you, Jesus.

Thank you, Jesus.

Thank you, Jesus.

Nine and ten!

Thank you, Jesus.

Quick question, quick question.

If you're dead,

how come they call it a wake?

Yo man, get up!

Come on, get up!

Get up!

It's time for a Kris Kringle impression.

Impressionism.

Ike and Tina Turner's greatest hits.

Come... Get the...

[GRUNTING]

Rollin' in the river!

Rollin'! Rollin'!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING, CHEERING AND LAUGHING]

Quick impersonation.

The most up-to-date impression

of Elvis.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING, CHEERING AND LAUGHING]

Quick lesson in Kringleism for the ladies.

No, first the brothers, let me hit the brothers.

Vacationism.

Always let your woman

plan the vacation.

Why?

Periodism.

Five days, four nights.

You know.

Peace, love.

Yeah, yo, calm down.

Kris Kringle, give him another round of applause.

You know what? I gotta tell y'all, all the shooting these shows,

y'all are some good looking women in New York.

Y'all are good looking, damn it.

She knows she heard me, "What, what'd you say?

"Oh, oh, okay, how you doing?"

Very good looking.

Okay coming to the stage,

what can I say about her but she's Simply Marvelous.

[MUSIC PLAYING][APPLAUSE]

How ya doin'? God damn it, how ya doing?

How ya mama doing?

My name is Simply Marvelous, my real name is Absolutely Fantastic.

[APPLAUSE]

How ya doing? And I'm from Baton Rouge, Louisiana.

How ya doing? How ya mammy doing?

Yeah, Louisiana got a lot of big mosquitoes down there, y'all.

Good, them mosquitos eat me all over.

Coochie and all.

Shit, I don't know what you talkin' about. Shit, I think I'm in love.

I sit on the porch all night long with my legs open!

I just knew that motherfucker was comin' back.

I said, "Yeah, Peter bug, I'll be ya bitch."

Then he came back with all his friends,

them motherfuckers gang-raped my ass.

Hah. I don't know if that motherfucker bit me was a passion mark

or if I was pregnant.

All I know I woke up in the morning and I wanted to bite somebody.

[LAUGHING]

Ah, you know, Louisiana got them big old mosquitos down there.

Big old mosquitos and hurricanes, bad hurricanes down there.

You know the graves on top of the ground,

you know, and somebody, when the bad, bag storm come through,

you might see your uncle floating down the street.

But when they had that earthquake in Oakland on October 17, 1989,

I was living in Oakland at the time.

Honey, that shit scared me so bad, my booty was moving and I wasn't walking.

And, you know, every time something catastrophic happens,

black people run to church.

Some of them ain't been there in so long, they knock to get in.

You know I ain't lying.

Girl, after that earthquake, church was packed.

And it's always some big greasy heifer,

you know some big bitch with chicken crumbs on her titties and shit, you know.

But she make the best fuckin' Kool-Aid in the world,

you know what I'm talkin' about?

Now, I seen the preacher show us... I know this 'cause

my father's a minister back in Louisiana.

He gets up in the pulpit, he shows up 'cause see, he wants to get paid.

He gets up there in the pulpit,

[PRETENDING TO SCAT] "Ha-ha-ha-hum

"On October 17, 1989, ha!

"At 5:04 in the PM. Ha!

"One of us said now, ha!

"One of us said now, ha!

"One of us said now, hahaha!

"These are hard some times,

"I said these are hard sometimes.

"I said it get hard, hard, hard, hard, hard, hard sometimes!

"We will now raise our offering."

You all look at me and y'all sayin', "Damn, that's a big bitch."

No, I'm swollen.

I got thyroid problems.

I retain water.

Yeah, I've been on a diet all my life.

I've been on a diet since I was nine years old.

And I'm still wearing the same size drawers I wore at nine.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

But shit, I'm thin compared to my friend Jamila she's a big bitch,

about Sasquatch size.

Just a big, fat, greasy, fuck-ass gal.

You know the whole goddamn family big,

just big motherfuckers. You know what I'm talkin' about?

Just big fat-ass people. Well fuck, they call me Peewee.

Big fat-ass people. You know I'm talkin' big,

I remember when the girl was a little baby.

All little babies layin' around in the nursery

in their little bassinets with their little booties on.

This bitch laying over there in a daybed wearin' pumps.

All the little babies got their little armbands on,

this bitch got a rope tied round her arm.

The bitch can sing her ass off to sing in the choir,

but she couldn't fit through the church door.

The bitch had to sing alto from the window.

Big! You hear what I'm talkin' about?

And all the hot shit in the house broke.

You ever go in people's house and all the shit's broke?

Just did tore up every goddamn thing in the house, good.

You can't even close the front door, talkin' about you gotta push it hard.

You go in the bathroom, that motherfucker rattlin'.

You gotta shake it a little bit.

She talkin' about, "Come on Simply, let's go run around the lake."

Now girl, you know when you big, your thighs rub together.

Jamila start running her big ass around that lake, set her coochie on fire.

Talkin' about, "Call the fire truck!

"Call the fire truck!" I said, "You better go jump your big ass in that lake."

This bitch jumped in the lake,

came out the water with three fish in her mouth.

Went home, didn't wash her ass and I just put fresh clothes on her.

You know, didn't wash her ass. I said to her,

"Jamila, why don't you wash your ass? What you think FDS stand for?

"Fuck da soap?"

Good night, y'all.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND CHEERING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Simply Marvelous. Simply Marvelous.

How do I love thee, me? Let me count the ways.

Simply Marvelous, the gynecologist said call him.

Bring up my man.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Thanks for coming out. God bless you and good night.

[CLOSING MUSIC PLAYING]

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