Original subtitles

KID CAPRI: It's the Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

And now, your host, Martin Lawrence!

[CROWD CHEERING]

Yo, man! I wasn't ready!

But the show must go on. I'm sorry, y'all.

How y'all feel?

Yeah. And that's right, to the fellas, I ain't no sucka!

[EXCLAIMS]

Don't come at me like that!

Now, is it me...

But it's hotter than a motherfucker in here.

Is it? I guess it's me. Let me wipe off.

This is my real shit! I was packin' it once, but I'm not.

So, I thought I was packin', but I don't give a fuck.

So, we gonna keep this show rolling.

Right, Kid Capri? 'Cause nobody believed I would do it.

I'm here, I'm crazy, I don't give a fuck and you my motherfuckers.

So, give it up for Arnez J. Give it up!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Don't act like you don't know me now, nigga.

Thought you'd never see me again, huh? You remember me?

You don't remember me?

Hmm. What about this way?

I know he know me now!

What's up, man? I'm just playin'. What's happening?

Got him, y'all!

Man, life be a trip though, man. Things be happenin'

and... Oh, I'm sorry. [COUGHS]

I forgot ya'll were in here. No, brothers, don't do this no more.

When you're walking down the street 'cause that don't even look right.

Feel good though, don't it?

Matter of fact, why don't y'all hold on, man, 'cause I...

You know, what's a trip though?

One thing, though, I found out,

you women, and no offense, see?

Everybody in the house, if you don't like sex, let me hear you be quiet.

See? 'Cause I got to have it, but it's a trip and no offense to my Caucasian sisters,

but I can't make love to no white girl.

Can't do it. See? I need that black, burnt piece of African.

I need... I need them BBs down there, y'all.

The mo nap, the mo dap!

I got to have it!

In fact, I'll tell you why I can't make love to no white girl.

White women compliment you.

They tell you thank you when you're done.

I don't want no woman telling me, "Thank you, baby."

When I'm in there, I want to be treated like a beast.

'Cause I come in the room with my eyes like this, somebody in trouble.

And it ain't me.

'Cause fellas, see, I was making love to a white girl one time, right?

That's right, sisters, I slipped, but I'm back.

And I'm makin' love to this white girl

and I'm giving her that old African Mandingo.

That make love... [MUMBLING]

[HOLLERING]

She couldn't handle it, so I said, "I'm gonna do the same thing to a sister

"when I get a hold of one."

I said, "Yo mama, wassup? I need you."

Sister said, "You sure you want some of this?"

"I see it, baby. I said I want it now!"

Sister said, "You sure, you want some of this?"

Fellas, I knew I had her. I jumped in that stuff.

I was like, "Pow! Ha-ha! Daddy's back now!

"Oh, you gonna say something to me?"

She said, "You sure you want me?" I said, "I'm in here."

Sister said...

[DEMONIC VOICE] "Are you sure you want some of this?

"You said you wanted some! Don't you run away from me!"

I'm like... [SCREAMING] "Let go of me! I'm sorry! Let go!"

Man! Hold on! Now see, you sisters,

you women piss me off and I'm gonna tell you why.

See, every time we make love to y'all,

y'all always want us to do that one thing.

And see, those white guys started it.

Every time we make love to y'all, y'all always want us to...

I'm gonna tell you how I know. Let me explain to you, sister.

I was eating at a restaurant one day. And something was real nasty on my plate

and I was trying to get it off. It was on my tongue.

I'm like, "Ew! Ew!"

This girl all the way at the other end of the restaurant, she was like...

Man! My name's Arnez J. Have a good night!

Give it up for my man Arnez. Give it up.

Thank you. You know, I'd like to acknowledge some people in the house.

Q-Tip from Tribe called Quest. Give it up!

[APPLAUSE]

Treach from Naughty By Nature.

What's up, man?

Thank you for this shirt. I needed some clothes to get dressed.

Thank you very much. Y'all having a good time? Y'all are a hell of a crowd.

Oh, coming to the stage, you may have seen her on Saturday Night Live.

Give it up for Ellen Cleghorne.

Hi! How y'all doing?AUDIENCE: Fine...

Good! I think this is real nice, all these black people.

I like what Russell Simmons is doing for the comedians.

This is nice. This is real nice.

Not 'cause we notoriously be missing from TV.

And nobody come to look for us.

I'm serious. I was watching TV in Denver.

You know how you can go away and see things differently?

They got the same TV as here.

It's just a little bit slower.

And I was watching TV and I was flipping the channels.

I was thinking, "Damn! How come there ain't no black game show hosts on TV?"

We don't have no game show hosts. Not one. We don't spin the wheel,

we don't turn the letters, we don't build the pyramid, nothing!

Like, what do they think we gonna say if we host a game show?

What could we say? "Yo, yo! Money!"

What we got for the motherfuckers that didn't know shit?

All right. For motherfuckers

that didn't know shit. Ha-ha!

We ain't got shit!

Back to you, Ted. You punk motherfucker.

Not even no turtle wax? Damn!

I live in New York. I'm originally from Brooklyn,

but now I live uptown on 109... Oh! Brooklyn in the house!

But now I live in Manhattan. I live on 193rd Street and Broadway

in the Dominican Republic.

You know it! I love living around Spanish men because they're not that particular.

They boost your ego.

You step out your house early in the morning to get the newspaper,

lint balls in your hair, your shoes are run over. They be like...

[IMITATES KISSING] "Ay, mira mami! You lookin' good!

"Damn, I like, your eye make-up!"

I got a big clump of mucus in my eye.

Thank you for not being particular!

So, we were married. I speak...

I speak Spanish. A lot of people ask me do I have Spanish in me

and I be like, "No. I used to have Spanish in me and then I put him out."

He had to go. But I do have the boyfriend that I live with

and then the guys that I date and...

My boyfriend is African. His name is Zimbuwabe. You know him?

He sold you that watch?

Child, it's gonna break. Don't you worry about it.

No, he's real dark-skinned. I like a dark-skinned man.

He's really dark. He's like...

He is! The blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice, right?

He is really dark. He's darker than you. He's dark. He's like...

He's like navy and...

And my grandma hates him 'cause he's dark-skinned.

That's her only reason for hating him.

She hates him 'cause he's dark-skinned. Don't worry, she's black too.

It's just that she's like that real light-skinned black.

You know, that, "I wish I wasn't but I am?"

She hates him and every time he calls over to the house looking for me,

she's like, "That black thing called!"

I'm like, "Grandma, we're black too."

"Yeah, but we ain't that black.

"We ain't been that black in a long time.

"It took us this long to get this color and now you gonna mess it up.

"Then you gonna have them nappy-headed kids!"

I have a daughter. She's six. Her name is Akela Briana.

That's a Swahili name.

You know, Swahili, the language that we speak in the Bronx.

And when you translate that, that means

"Bitch, don't even think about getting pregnant."

And I like her. She's my best friend and everything,

but there's two things that she does that really makes me mad.

Like, if I punish her, she'll call my mother up to complain about me.

On my phone.

Be like, "Grandma? Grandma, mommy put me on punishment.

"No, I ain't did nothin'! Uh-uh!

"She just crazy!

[MOCK CRYING]

"See? All right.

[STAMMERING] "See... Okay. See... All right? See... Okay.

"See, I broke her new lipstick and I knew she would be mad,

"so I ate it.

"And then I ate a crayon to kill the taste

"and I drank some glue.

"Okay! Mommy!

"Grandma said why you don't feed me?"

Give another round of applause for Ellen Cleghorne.

All right. Coming to the stage.

This brother is 16 years old.

And I'm very proud of that fact because he could be out robbin' somebody

or carrying a gun to school, but the brother's here to make you laugh.

So make sure you give it up for my man, Aries Spears.

[APPLAUSE]

How y'all doing?

All right. You know, with all the issues in the news today,

everything is sex, sex, sex, sex, sex.

You know, sex is scary nowadays because shit is out there.

So, we got to warn the kids, man, and what better way to warn them

than through shit they do the most? Watch cartoons.

Picture coming down the steps one morning

and your little kids watching their favorite Saturday morning cartoons having sex.

Picture Mr. Magoo fuckin'.

[GRUNTING]

Wouldn't that be some bugged-out shit?

You know who would be real bugged out? Picture... Picture Snagglepuss fuckin'.

[IMITATING SNAGGLEPUSS] Oh my God, I can't believe this.

This is so good.

I think I'm gonna come again.

What a wonderful feeling.

[NORMAL VOICE] Would be some bugged-out shit.

Picture the first time Scooby-Doo got some pussy.

Scooby-Doo was like...

[IMITATES SCOOBY DOO]

He busts that nut...

[IMITATES SCOOBY-DOO] Scooby-Dooby-Doo!

[NORMAL VOICE] Man, crazy shit, man.

Picture... Picture Elmer Fudd fuckin'.

Elmer Fudd would have a good time because Elmer Fudd would be like,

[IMITATES ELMER FUDD] Oh, this is wowey. Oh...

Wower. To the weft! To the... Ah...

[NORMAL VOICE] You know what?

[CLEARS THROAT] With Bill Cosby being gone off the air and shit,

they gonna need somebody to do Jello Pudding commercials.

And I thought about some shit that scared me.

What would happen if Andrew Dice Clay

did Jello Pudding commercials?

That shit would look something like this...

[IMITATES ANDREW DICE CLAY] Okay, you fat tub of shit, listen up.

[BLOWS AIR]

I got two fuckin' kids. They're like, "Oh!

"Buy me some fuckin' Jello!" Fuckin' blow me!

Check this out, I got a fuckin' story for you.

It's Saturday night, I got this broad in my car.

She's like, "Oh, okay..." Shut the fuck up.

You know what I'm talking about.

So, anyway. I look in my house. I got this Jello gelatin shit.

It's like dick grease. I slide it on.

Next thing you know, we're bangin', suckin', fuckin'. I'm doin' shit to her

you wouldn't do to a fuckin' farm animal, you know.

So, fellas, the next time you got a hot fuckin' date,

get some Jello fuckin' gelatin, oh!

[NORMAL VOICE] I'm gonna tell you something, though. Oh, oh shit.

I did some shit a while back.

If anybody go to the bathroom, now would be the best time.

You ever have to take a shit and it's the real big one?

And you go in to the stall and you try to be quiet.

You hope it's just you and your shit.

But you start... Try to stay quiet and you be... [GRUNTS]

[FART SOUNDS] Trying to be quiet and shit.

Scrunched up. And most people, when they take a shit,

they don't even wash their hands. They go straight out.

But you ain't gonna do that if you have somebody lookin' at you.

You're gonna be like, "Stink ass motherfucker."

So, go wash your shit. I'm gonna tell you something

that bizarred the shit out of me.

I was in a bathroom once and I saw Michael Jackson taking a shit.

You know, that would be something, because Michael Jackson

would turn that shit into a video.

Michael be like...

Michael be like... Michael busts into the bathroom.

Michael get to takin' a shit...

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Whoo-hoo!

Michael get to doin' all that damn grunting, be like... [GRUNTING]

Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!

Ahh!

My name is Aries Spears. I dedicate this show to my mother. Peace!

Aries Spears! Give it up for my man, Aries Spears.

Oh, I'm just cleaning up this one.

Yo. Give it up for my man, William Stephenson.

Thank you very much! I feel the love and I smell damn good.

How are y'all?

Women, when you break up with your man,

and you will break up with him eventually...

Never go over to his house wearing anything that he bought you.

'Cause you'll have to leave that house butt-naked, all right?

I broke up with this woman. I had my hands around her neck.

She thought I was trying to choke her,

but I was just trying to get that perfume off 'cause I bought that shit

and I'm taking it with me.

I love women but I just don't understand

a lot of the things that y'all do.

Why is it when a man and a woman walk down the street together,

the man always has to walk near the curb?

Oh, in case a car jumps the curb.

Me being a man, I can absorb the impact of a 4,000 pound vehicle.

No, you ever see me on the street with a woman,

it's going to be single file, all right?

I know how to start an argument with any woman at any time

by saying the following two words, "What's wrong?"

And women always say the same thing. "Well, why you say that?"

"Oh, I don't know, I just figured, you know, since you just asked the waiter

"for a side order of my balls, you might have a little problem with me or something."

I know what women don't like. Women don't like for men to fall asleep

right after we... You know what I'm saying.

Ladies, let me give you a hint on how to get along with us better.

Get over it, all right?

But what do you do while we're lying there snoring?

I mean, after you go through our wallets and everything.

On occasion, a women will fall asleep before a man will,

you have no idea what we're doing. So I'll tell you.

First we smoke a cigarette until there's no filter left.

Then we circle the bed nine times and as we do, we look down at you

and very warmly, very tenderly, very lovingly, we say to ourselves,

"I knocked your ass out."

So, I live in Brooklyn but I'm originally from Detroit, Michigan

and I can prove it. I speak fluent Temptationese.

Because for me, it was the only way to get a woman

to even look at me back in Detroit.

For example, what's your name?

Michelle, if you were in Detroit right now,

I could walk up to you and I could say,

"If good looks were a minute, you would be an hour."

Temptations, 1964.

And if we were in Detroit right now, she would have melted all over her clothes,

but this does not work here in New York City and I know.

I tried this on a woman here.

She looked at me and said,

"If good looks were within your reach,

"you wouldn't have no fuckin' arms."

So, I looked back at her

and I said, "Well, if cucumbers was collard greens,

"your ass might fit in them jeans."

I had no problem with her after that.

So, so, so, so there's a brother out here look like

Clarence Thomas, where are you?

Now, I'd knew Clarence Thomas was lying the first time I saw him.

'Cause he got bugs on the back of his head.

Well, black men don't comb their hair all the way down,

these little rings of hair start poppin' up?

That Friday morning when Clarence got all upset, he should have stood up

in front of all those people and said, "Senators, because of all the speculations

"as to the size of my Johnson,

"if you move your table back a few feet, I can straighten this out right now."

I don't have a car so I ride the subway,

and I sat next to one of the onion people. You ever do that?

These are the people when you sit next to them, your eyes water all up.

You don't know whether to inhale or fuckin' die.

And you can't just move to another seat

'cause you don't want everybody to know

that you can't sit next to the funky people.

So, you sit there for as long as you can

and you stare at those anal wart commercials they got up there.

All right, this is a... This is a poem I wrote

about a woman I no longer have sex with.

It is entitled, "Your Hair Weave Is Causing Me Problems."

To love you, right?

I must touch you and feel what it feels like.

But your hair weave is causing me problems.

'Cause I can't get my hand through the part of your head

that's not your hair.

Someone must have told you and you must have believed

that hair short and nappy was not well-received.

But each nap is your nap and that's the part that I wanted to wed.

So, hope you can sleep with my arm in your face

'cause I can't get my hand out your head.

Thank you very much.

Boom. Russell, come on, man.

Say good night.

Thanks for coming out. Good night and God bless you.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

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