Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

KID CAPRI: It's the Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam!

And now your host, Martin Lawrence!

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

Thank you very, very much.

And welcome to another Def Comedy Jam.

Give it a round of applause to my man, Kid Capri.

[APPLAUSE]

Wassup, man? Cool and cool and cool and...

Oh, man. Hey! Two white guys.

Together. What happened?

Computer date fuck-up or something? You had to...

You kind of had to like... Had to, like, make that shit right.

Don't get red and shit! Goddamn!

[MOCKINGLY] "I mean, come on, man! What the fuck, Martin?"

We love you, too, man!

Fuck! No, I'm just glad you guys are here.

It... I get so happy when I see white people come out and...

Because you know, they... Courage.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

This is a lot of black people for the white people.

They go, "Oh!" and I'm admiring. I'm glad.

But how does it feel, you guys know that your rights are protected?

How does that feel?

How... I mean, we just want to know some things.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

How does it feel to catch a cab in New York? Just to go, "Thank you!"

How does that feel?

Goddamn!

I'll tell you, man, the court system in this whole shit is messed up.

I was watching this shit, man. I don't know when I was watching it.

I just... It was on my mind. Dahmer. That motherfucker.

You know, the eating motherfucker.

Eating. And they put him on trial.

What the fuck is America thinking about?

What the fuck is the trial about? I don't understand.

You found an ass in his refrigerator.

Dicks in the ice tray.

Fucking ears in the ashtray. What the fuck is the problem?

If that was a black man eating white people,

they would have brought the electric chair

to his motherfucking house.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

[MIMICS BUZZING]

See ya! Wouldn't want to be ya! Like a...

The fucked-up thing, man, the thing about this

is somebody in society eating another motherfucker,

and I really feel sorry for the families that went through that shit.

And he used to... He worked among the community.

He worked in a goddamn chocolate factory.

So that means somebody in this motherfucker had a Snicker

with some extra nuts in that mofo.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

"Why, that's mighty chewy!"

Okay. Coming to the stage from... [CHUCKLES]

Coming to the stage from New Jersey,

give it up, I know you're going to enjoy him...

New Jersey. Give it up for my man, Jay!

[APPLAUSE]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Wassup? Hey, yo! Check this out. Check this out.

I'm talking to all the ladies in the house. Ladies in the house.

How many times you went to a club before, right?

And you seen this motherfucker coming in the club.

This motherfucker's smooth. He got muscles, he got arms.

This nigger, he cool. His name is Rico Suave.

Coming in the club.

[LAUGHTER]

That's right. But ladies in the house, check this out!

How many times you went to a club before

and you see this motherfucker doing the same dance all night.

The same shit! Working out for you, working out.

[LAUGHTER]

Yo, check this out. Somebody looking at him from across the floor.

Now he want to show you what he really got.

Now he working out for you. Now he working out.

[LAUGHTER]

Cut it off. Wassup? How you motherfucker feelin' tonight?

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

Can we dig this? We gonna have some fun.

Wassup? I was watching Rootson TV.

That's fucked-up the way he had... Toby was whuppin' Toby ass.

Whupped the shit out of Toby. I was just wanting...

How you doing? What's your name, babe?

You cute. What's your name?

Angie! I was just wondering, like, what if we had somebody

strung they ass up, one time.

Like Angie. Just whupped them one time.

[IMITATES WHIP CRACKING] What's your name?

[GASPING] Angie!

Angie!

We keep whuppin' her ass. She had to surrender.

She had to give in, she submit!

She submit to us whuppin' her ass one more time!

[IMITATES WHIP CRACKING] What's your name?

Rashida! Rashida![AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

[IMITATES WHIP CRACKING] "Spell it!" " R-A-S-IDA!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

That's for real. Yo, how many fellas in the house into oral sex?

Oral sex! Where you at? Oral sex?

Fellas! Get your dick sucked!

Y'all know what the fuck I'm talking about.

Wassup? Motherfucker in the back. I said oral sex, motherfucker.

He in the back all about, "I thought he forgot about me."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"I was standing out here all night. That's the way to go."

Where's my oral sex? That's what I'm talking about.

See, fellas, I'm gonna give y'all a crash course on oral sex.

See, first you gotta tell them to kiss that motherfucker.

'Cause see, fellas, we been laying in bed playing with our shit

or standing there or laying and just playing with our shit like...

[LAUGHTER]

And the women, they be like, "What's the matter?"

We be like, "Yeah. You know, just...

"Just make it hard for me one time. You know, just...

"Just... Just kiss it one time."

So, fuck it. The women, they thinking about it

so they looking at it and they thinking, so they looking.

[LAUGHTER]

And see, we be trying to stick that shit in your mouth on the sly like...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

They be like, "See..." They be like, "I told you I wasn't gonna..."

Open your mouth one more time and I got you.

I got you.

But see, women, they give in to us.

They surrender, they submit. They give in. They kiss it one time.

[KISSES]

"Tasty." [GIGGLES]

"It wasn't that bad, though." So they kiss it again.

So that shit starts beating on to a rhythm, like...

[KISSING NOISES IN RHYTHM]

Chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga, chugga-chugga-chugga.

But see, fellas, when we gettin' that shit done to us,

we try to lay there or stand there

like it ain't really going on, like...

Women, like, "Y'all not really there."

We just make faces. We just laid back like...

[BREATHES HEAVILY]

[WHIMPERS]

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

And see, what's the first thing a woman say when they doing that to you?

MAN: Don't cum in my mouth!

I want to thank y'all brothers.

[CHEERING]

Don't cum in my mouth!

And see, by that time we cool though.

Fuck.

By that time we cool. We be like... But see, by that time we be like,

"Aw, I ain't gonna cum in your mouth, baby.

"Why you say shit like that. You know I care for you too much."

See, by that time we taking our right hand

and grabbing the top of they hair and clenching that shit,

so they won't go no motherfuckin' where.

You like, "I ain't... I ain't gonna cum in your mouth.

"I ain't gonna... Uh, I ain't gonna... Uh, I..." [GRUNTS]

[GRUNTING]

[APPLAUSE]

Y'all, I'm just teasing. I ain't had no pussy in a long-ass time.

But thanks a lot. My name is Jay. I'm out.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, can we talk fuckin' for a minute?

Okay. Only on HBO.

All right. Coming to the stage, Mike Bonner.

[MUSIC PLAYING][APPLAUSE]

What's happenin', y'all? Golden.

What happened? We gonna get into that.

Give me a goddamn minute. We gonna get into that.

I got my ass kicked. I ain't gonna lie.

That's a fucked-up feeling, man.

Right before I came here from Detroit, I did a fashion show.

Three thousand people in this auditorium to see this fashion show.

This show was so sick

because all of the models in this show were all midgets.

Can you believe that shit?

All little midgets modeling clothes.

This one little brother came out modeling

a $2,000 Hugo Boss suit.

I swear to God, my man was modeling just like this. He was like...

[LAUGHTER]

That's a joke, dog head. [CHUCKLES]

My man lookin' at me like, "For real?"

[LAUGHTER]

I did that same joke one night in Chicago.

There was a midget sitting about where you sitting at,

little motherfucker got mad.

After my show, my man came walking up to me,

"Man, if you ever do that joke again,

"I'm gonna get up and fuck your big-head ass up!"

I'm thinking to myself, "I'm five-nine, 200 pounds.

"I'll fuck one midget up!"

I got outside, he must have made a phone call.

'Cause there was like 40 motherfuckin' midgets chasing my ass.

I took off running. They were all chasing me like this...

[LAUGHTER]

[CHUCKLES] So I ran my ass off.

'Cause 40 midgets catch you, they gonna fuck your knees up.

People say I shouldn't do that joke.

Fuck them. It's funny.

[LAUGHTER]

Life is a motherfucker. I do this shit 'cause I gotta make some money

so I can pay these goddamn bills.

You know what I'm talking about? Bills is a motherfucker.

You can go out and have a good time, wake up in the morning,

go to your mailbox and they looking at you.

"Shouldn't turn your lights on!"

Bills are a mother. You have some bills right here,

some bills you got to pay these motherfuckin' bills.

Then you got some bills right here you can kind of bullshit with.

You laugh at them when they come in the mail.

You be like... [LAUGHS]

"I don't even know why they sent your ass out.

"I can't afford to pay this whole bill,

"but I am gonna put something on it."

I put something on my light bill,

them motherfuckers gave me some of my damn lights.

[LAUGHTER]

I had a bathroom light and a basement light.

I talking about, "Hold the sink, baby."

Man. Life is a motherfucker, boy.

I don't know, man.

Motherfuckin' women trippin' me out.

Women... A horny woman is the scariest thing on the planet.

A real horny woman? A real horny...

I mean, you ever seen a woman get real...

[MUMBLES] Look at him.

I was on the road for a month.

For a month. I got back to my house, my woman was real horny.

It was like the... She was possessed by the devil or something.

She was sitting on the couch butt-ass naked with one gym shoe on.

[GROWLING]

[LAUGHTER AND CHEERING]

"Eat me, you black motherfucker!"

[GROWLS AND SCREAMS]

Big fella looking at me like he don't go down.

Big old motherfucker.

I know you go down.

You probably go down so long

you start to sound like Heavy D on the pussy. He be like...

[IMITATES HEAVY D]

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

Billie D. [LAUGHS]

Gotta do what you gotta do.

Hell yeah, 'cause I be traveling around.

Flew New York. I hate flying right now in our country.

'Cause right now we got this thing called "a war on drugs."

Now, I think that shit is positive as hell.

But ain't no brothers flying no shit in the motherfuckin' United States.

But this shit is positive, man.

I hate it because right now in our country,

I have been stopped five times in the last year

in airports by either DEA or police officers

thinking I'm a drug dealer.

This is beginning to piss me off.

I got stopped coming back from Atlanta, Georgia flying to Detroit

by this real southern DEA officer. He was like...

[EXAGGERATED SOUTHERN ACCENT] "Excuse me." [CHUCKLES]

"Why are you flying from Atlanta, Georgia to Detroit, Michigan?"

I was pissed. I was like, "Because I can't walk that goddamn far!"

[LAUGHTER]Good night. I'm out of here.

[APPLAUSE][MUSIC PLAYING]

Mike Bonner. Give him... Give him another round of applause.

[APPLAUSE]

Oh, this is my girl.

All the women we have on here are gorgeous

and I have never been with any of them.

I would love to. No, I haven't. I would love to.

We'll talk about it, but I would... I would love to, but no.

This is my girl Karen. She's from Detroit,

so give it up for Karen Addison.

[MUSIC PLAYS][APPLAUSE]

[CHEERING]

How you guys doing?

[APPLAUSE]

I've learned one thing during my short stay here in New York City,

and ladies, you know how I feel when that guy

comes over and wants to dance with you and he's not your type,

but that's your song?

[LAUGHTER]

So you dance with him anyway?

And then we get an attitude just in case

somebody else is checking us out, like...

[SCOFFS]

He is not with me.

[LAUGHTER]

And I know the men hate when they see

a nice lookin' young lady from the back,

she in the club groovin' and you want to go over there...

"Excuse me, would you like to dance?"

She just bobbin'...

"Hell yeah!"

It's on now!

[LAUGHTER AND CHEERING]

"My name is Trudy and my friends call me T.T.

"You ain't all that cute, but that's my song.

"Hey!"

[APPLAUSE]

"Oh, he is not with me."

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

Thank you. I love being a comedienne.

But it's dangerous because I have to work at night

and where I live is underground parking.

I used to worry about getting raped, but not now.

Because when I get out of my car, if I see a man,

I just act like something's wrong with me.

I do. I just like...

Oh! [SHUDDERS]

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

Oh! Wait a minute!

Would you like to come up for a tuna sandwich?

And I'm happy I arrived here a day early

because I got to the Los Angeles airport

and all the flights were booked,

so they referred me to the Compton airport, this new black airlines?

When I got there, they had big speakers on the wings of the plane.

The music was blasting, the line was moving like this.

[LAUGHTER]

There was one girl in line snakin'.

And then we got on the plane and the pilot came out.

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

"Yo. I'm Captain Turbulence

"and I'm ready to swoop up out of here.

"Welcome to flight fifty-fifty.

"First of all, I would like to apologize for that two-hour delay.

"The liquor store didn't open until 8:00 am.

"And I don't fly nowhere without my copilot, Jack Daniels.

[LAUGHTER]

"Oh, yeah, I need an additional $5 from everybody

"because I'm kind of low on gas.

"Now listen up, just in case we crash,

"reach down and grab your ankles,

"tuck your head between your legs

"and kiss your black butt goodbye."[LAUGHTER]

Thank you! My name is Karen Addison and God bless you!

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE][MUSIC PLAYING]

Goddamn.

Good-looking motherfucker, boy. Woo, lord!

Coming to the stage is my man.

He's been on the show before

and he rocked you when he was here last time

and he's going to do it again.

As you know, the man won $100,000 on the...

The star search thing and he gave it away,

I think half or mostly all of it to the homeless.

Now he's homeless and he's here doing the show again.

[LAUGHTER]

No, no. This is my man, yo, need I say more?

Give it up for my man, Michael Colyar.

[APPLAUSE]

[CHEERING][MUSIC PLAYING]

They're losing their weight,

they're leaving their schools,

and their scales are falling off.

Fish on crack on the next Oprah Winfrey Show, ladies and gentleman.

[LAUGHTERS]Uh...

Wait, excuse me. Excuse me, pardon me.

That was some funny shit.

Now, a lot of people didn't laugh.

So I'm just gonna assume you didn't fucking get it, so let me just...

Let me... Let me just say this.

It's not necessary

that you get all these jokes

right away.[LAUGHTER]

All right. So, like, if you don't get this next joke,

laugh anyway and then figure the shit out when you get home.

[LAUGHTER]

A woman...

A woman runs into the store.

She said, "Excuse me! Excuse me! [SCREAMS]

"But I need some D cell batteries, please."

The man said, "Well, come this way."

The woman said, "Hell, if I can come this way,

"I wouldn't need no damn D cell batteries. Fuck a D cell battery."

Now, folks, all y'all be cool.

I only got a few minutes and a whole lot of shit I gotta cram in.

First thing I want to say real quick though is that I just drove in here.

And when we was driving in, we came through a toll bridge

and they said, you know, "Tokens only."

So I had to drive all the way back to D.C. and get Clarence Thomas.

It fucked me up, you know.[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING]

Threw me way off. Yeah, it fucked me up.

Another thing is, you know I live in LA now.

The last I was here, we talked about Rodney King.

Since that, the riots broke out and rightfully so.

I call it a uprising, you know, because it was,

well, well fucking overdue and, um...

And there's some things we learned from that though,

because I don't believe that we should have, like,

tore up our own communities.

Fuck that. Go to Simi Valley. Fuck them up.

Don't tear up your own shit.

No, no! Because see, two wrongs...[APPLAUSE]

No, no! Two wrongs don't make a right.

Now, three rights make a left.

But two wrongs don't make a right.

I called, the first day of rioting, I called my brother

and I said, "Hey, man, what y'all doing today?"

He said, "Well, I'm about to go lootin'.

"Um, want me to bring you something back?"

And I said, "Fuck no! I don't believe in that illegal shit,

"but if you come across one of those tabletop computers,

"You know, with a disc drive, hook me up."

So I'm waiting for a fucking call.

And I don't know if you knew this or not,

but there was no police around for two days.

If you saw the riots on TV, you didn't see no police. You know why?

We didn't attack anything that was important to the police.

Nothing sacred to the police. Now, had we attacked a fucking donut shop,

police would have been every-fucking-where.

S.W.A.T. team, fucking frog men.

Now, one more little thing I want to talk about.

Gentlemen, you don't get but one ding-a-ling

and I believe that everybody in this audience is either fucking

or knows somebody that is.

You got to protect yourself and that's why I always carry this.

That's right. It's a three-condom

condom carrying case, ladies and gentlemen.

I keep one for every occasion.

I got one in here for women I know well.

Uh-huh. I got another one a little bit thicker.

Little bit thicker. Whoa! That's all right. I'm flexible.

Now, that's a... For women I only know a little bit.

Now, that's a Trojan rib.

All the men in the audience, together, say "Trojan ribs." Here we go.

MEN: Trojan ribs!

All right. Now, don't be thrown off by the word ribs.

You don't get no coleslaw and potato salad and shit like that.

And third, for a special occasion.

That's right. I'm talking about a one-night stand.

I gotta fucking steel-belted radial rubber right here.

Now, but let me tell you something, man,

all I'm saying is go shop for condoms.

It's a very simple message.

There are stores everywhere that sell nothin' but condoms.

We got a store in Hollywood called Condom Mania.

That's all they sell. It's on Melrose.

Any kind of... Six-foot condom. Pull over your...

[LAUGHTER]

They got condoms in there they stuff inside a fortune cookie.

They call it Nookie Cookie.

[LAUGHTER]

They got one called Camouflage Condom.

Make your thing look like camouflage.

And then in small print it says, "Don't let her see you coming."

Yep! Yep! Yep! They got one...

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

They got one in a plain package called Generic Rubbers,

and then on the side in bold print it says, "For cheap fuckers."

[LAUGHTER]They got a special one for the brothers.

One condom, big old box like that.

One condom, big old box. They call it Magnum!

Magnum condom, they got the nerve to write on the package,

"Larger than standard latex condoms."

No shit! You can put a fucking rubber boot in a box that size.

But my all-time favorite comes from the Middle East.

That's right. A marine brought it back from the Gulf War.

It's called a Saddam condom. Saddam.

You open it up, you got a little condom in there like that

and it says, "For a little prick that don't know when to pull out."

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

Now...

Folks...

As not to go over time this time, I'm going to...

I'm down to one minute so I have one last joke.

Before I do that, don't miss the points.

First of all, we must protect ourselves sexually.

It's your ding-a-ling, you gotta keep it.

Secondly, black men, let's get our community back

by saving the community and saving our families.

And third and most importantly, trust God.

Now, my last joke, I gotta go, my last joke...

Motherfucker, I love this joke.

This guy gets on the elevator.

Now, there was a lady already on the elevator.

So he turned to the lady, he said, "Excuse me, Miss, but can I smell your pussy?"

She said, "You certainly cannot!"

He said, "Aw! Then that must be your feet!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I'm Michael Colyar. Peace!

[MUSIC PLAYS][APPLAUSE]

Okay. Look, I want to thank you guys... [LAUGHS]

...for coming out and making this possible for us.

Let me bring my man, Russell Simmons, up.

[APPLAUSE]

[MUSIC PLAYS]

I want to thank y'all for coming out.

God bless you. Good night.

[APPLAUSE][INAUDIBLE]

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