Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

KID CAPRI: It's the Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.

And now your host, Martin Lawrence!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Hey, man, wassup? How y'all doing?

I'd like y'all to give a round of applause

to my man who came out, this is my ace,

this is the reason why I'm here today,

my brother Robert. Please give him a round of applause.

I love you, man.[APPLAUSE]

And my partners, hanging out. Wassup, y'all? My family, I just...

[SIGHS] Tell Ma the reason why I hadn't called her in eight years

is that she still owe me money.[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

When I can get my shit back, Ma, then I'm coming home.

And I love you, Ma.

We got my man, Serch, in the house, from 3rd Bass,

but he's solo now. Wassup, man?

Thank you for coming out, man.

Ghetto-ass white boy, too. You know that. Fuck that, man.

Man, if I was white, I'd be trying to get out of the ghetto, Serch!

So since you want to stay in the ghetto, here's the gas face.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Thank you, man, for coming out, yo.

We gonna have a good little time tonight.

Thank y'all for coming out.

Moving on with the show.

Coming to the stage from Chicago,

give it up for Kenny Howell.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

I ain't got but a few minutes. I want to let y'all know

I'm from the projects in Chicago, God damn it.

Where brothers just fuck up the whole English language.

Y'all got any brothers here that just fuck it up?

See, brothers can't say them S-T-R words, right?

They got to make 'em all S-K.

You know, you be like, "How's your drink?" "It's kinda skrong."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Where you stay?" "39th Skreet."

"You aight?" "Yeah, I'm skraight."

I trip on them brothers be trying to say shit and can't get it out,

and just end up saying, "Fuck it." You ever see 'em?

"Man, I had the who... Now she was gon... I... Fuck that!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And look, a nigga's favorite black adjective,

the only black adjective that motherfuckers use a lot, "Boom."

What the fuck is "boom"?

White shirt, black tie? "Boom."

These the same motherfuckers that just get high,

have nicknames like "Stay High."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You know? These the type of motherfuckers

that drug commercials remind these motherfuckers

that they want to get high.

You be sitting there with Stay High, he be damn near asleep, scratchin'.

[SNORES]

Commercial come on and say, "This is drugs.

"And this is your brain on drugs. Any questions?"

Stay High be talking about some, "Shit! That's just what I need, too!

"A fire-ass joint and an egg sammich."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Shit. I trip, there's a lot of pretty ladies in the house.

Man, I love pretty ladies, Jack.

But, fellas, you ever trip out when you meet a woman? You be in the club,

and everything about her is beautiful until you get up on her,

and it's just one thing you just can't fuckin' take?

You know, she has that beautiful face,

big ol' titties like elbows...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I got to have elbows, I don't want that bra to pop off

and you see them red-hot water bottles hit that brother.

Douchebags. [CHUCKLES]

But she got them pretty titties, man,

and nice waistline, and cuffed ass on her,

thighs, calves...

Toes.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Toes look like...knuckles.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

Toes look like corn chips and shit, right?

And that don't be the fucked-up part.

The fucked-up part, she have on sandals in the summer.

And this be the sandal? And this be her toes!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

She be picking up shit. "Excuse me, sir,

"you dropped your transfer right here."

But see, ladies, y'all got a way of getting back at our ass, right?

Because when it comes to sex, a woman can come and keep going,

and won't let your ass know!

You'll be there two hours talkin' about,

"Man, this bitch ain't gonna never come."

She done snuck a come, homes!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I done caught 'em. A woman will sneak a come on your ass in a minute!

Women be talking about some, "Oh, baby. It's your pussy. Fuck me baby, I can't..."

[MOANING]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

"You coming, baby?" "No."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

She just snuck one on your ass, Jack.

And see, men can't do that shit

'cause when a brother come, it's like...

Am I lying, fellas? It's like a bolt of lightning

go through your ass when you fucking.

When a nigga come, it's like lightning, ain't it?

Nigga be talkin' about, "This my pussy, jerk it,

"jerk it. What's my name? Say it, say it!"

That lightning hit his ass. "Say it!" [SPUTTERS]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

Motherfucker ass get tight like two fists.

Nigga ass be so tight, Moses couldn't part it.

Then brother be laying in the bed

after he done bust that good nut,

breathing harder than a motherfucker.

Can't even say nothing to his woman, be talkin' about...

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

And she look over at him and go, "Uh, did you come?"

[BREATHES HEAVILY]

"Hell, yeah."

"Oh. Well, I didn't."

"That's fucked up."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

See, you know what she want!

She want your motherfucking ass

to give her some head after that, right?

But see, brothers don't like giving head

'cause coochie smell like it just woke up.

No, you know, with that morning breath?

See, they need to come out with like a black douche, for black women,

like a watermelon or chicken-flavored douche.

Chicken-flavored niggas be eating pussy every night.

I ain't bullshitting. As a matter of fact, ladies,

if there was a chicken douche,

you can order head from your man.

He'd be drunk, ready to go home, "I'ma stop and get some wings."

"Uh-uh, motherfucker. Chicken flavor!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"You better grab a Pepsi and a piece of bread, and come on."

Hey, my name's Kenny Howell. I'm from Chi, y'all been great!

[CHEERING]

Give him another round of applause, please. Kenny Howell.

I like banana flavor... Strawberry, you know.

I'm into fruits. Okay?

[CHUCKLES] Y'all, I'd like to acknowledge Naughty By Nature.

Boys, goddamn.

Treach and partner, wassup?

Y'all some bad motherfuckers, Joe.

I mean, no motherfucking joke.

He had them little Timber boots on, little jail suits, like this.

All right, I'd like to acknowledge someone.

This is dear to me and it's not a joke,

but she's one of the top casting directors,

black casting directors in the industry.

And she cast me in my first movie,

so I want to thank you for coming out, Robi Reed.

[INDISTINCT TALKING]

How you doing, girl?

You know people are gonna be rolling up, "I act. I do acting."

Don't you get some weird people in acting? I mean, reading for parts?

Just do one line, brother. It's hard, isn't it? Really hard.

One line and shit. Just say, "I love you." People can't do that.

"I... Love... You."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Say the shit with emotion."

"I... Love you."

Coming to the stage, I know you're going to enjoy him.

He's very funny. Give it up for J'Vonne Pearson.

[APPLAUSE]

Wassup? New York.

My man Meldrick Taylor in the house,

give it up for Meldrick Taylor.

[APPLAUSE]

He's a fast motherfucker, ain't he?

Man.

Yo. Wassup, nigga? Who are you?

I was out in San Francisco.

Man, do you know that there's a gay newscast?

A gay newscast.

Could you imagine? I was sitting there stunned, it came on like...

[SCATTING THEME MUSIC]

"Hi!

"I'm your host Cecil from San Francisco!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Today someone was shot in New York.

"Our on-the-spot reporter Norman from New York,

"Norman, what's going on?"

"Hi, Cecil."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"He's dead and he ain't getting up. Back to you."

Okay, now it's time for Cecil to go into the on-the-spot

audience report. "Hey, Mr. Big Man!

"Oh, you ain't saying nothin'? You said a lot last night.

"Tweezer man.

"Hello! Oh, is that your hair?

"No, it's not. The receipt is hanging down."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Where Treach at?

"Hey, Treach! I'm down with O.P.P."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[GASPING]

"I ain't never been to the ghetto,

"but I'ma come to the ghetto."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Yo, but before I get out of here,

I'd like to dedicate this in memory of a friend of mine, Khalil Rountree.

He was manager of Boyz II Men.

He died and I want him to rest in peace.

To all my homeboys down in Philly, 46th Street, I'm out.

Meldrick Taylor, Marquita, the posse. Peace.

[APPLAUSE]

Give J'Vonne Pearson another round of applause.

Talented young brothers, boy, talented.

Man. That was scary, though. Falling in the ass, and...

You wanted to put your dick in, didn't you?

I mean, you were like, "Oh, hey, boy!

"Oh, I'm sorry. Comedy, comedy."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Have a good time, I know you're going to enjoy.

Give it up for George Willborn.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[CHEERING]

Wassup, New York?

Wassup, New York?[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

Shit, don't get scared now.

A nigga in a black suit.

It ain't blue, baby. I'm blue.

Let me tell you something right now.

I'm pissed off still about a lot of shit.

Number one on my list, Mike Tyson.

I'm still pissed off about this, people.

Mike in jail. And why? Why, ladies?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I'm serious, man. I'm mad about this, man.

3:00 in the morning.

Come over to my house at 3:00 in the morning.

Come over to my house at 12:00 noon!

Don't make no damn sense.

Then find out... Then find out that the woman...

I don't know if this is true or not, but they say that

the woman went in the bathroom

and took off one of them panty things that the ladies be wearing.

What they called, ladies? Yeah, panty liner, panty shield.

Bulletproof motherfucking panties and shit.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Went and took one of these things off.

And then, to insult it even further,

they say that Mike Tyson gave this woman

twenty minutes worth of oral sex?

What in the hell kind of rape was this?

"You better stop! Stop! Mike! Mike!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

"Rape."

I don't think so. I don't think so.

I think something else happened in that goddamn room.

I think she was playing the coochie game up there with Mike.

Talking about, "You can have it, Mike. No you can't.

"It's your pussy, Mike. Psych!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Come on, Mike. Get it! Nope." Mike be like, boom!

"I like it."

Ain't gonna work. Man, I'm serious, you know.

I tell you, I been on the road,

I been doing a lot of stuff, I've been performing

and I'm into all different kind of music.

I'm into music. I'm going to tell you something.

I like rap music. Any rap fans in here?

I like rap. I swear to God I do.

See, I went down south and I saw the coolest shit

you ever want to see in your life.

I saw a handicapped rap group.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

See, y'all need to cut that shit out, man.

Just because I said "handicapped." Now, let me tell you something.

Handicapped people be the first ones to tell you,

"Don't treat me any different than you treat

"anyone else in the world. I'm a person, too."

Am I right? That's right.

So I talk about they ass, too.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

In fact, last week, I caught one of them motherfuckers

parking in our spaces.

I tried to beat his ass, y'all.

And he got a spot right up front, motherfucker.

He said, "All right, all right."

My name's George, y'all. You been great. Good night!

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]

All right, coming to the stage...

On some of the shows you guys see,

we bring talent back, you know.

Brothers that have rocked the house,

and they're here to do it again.

So, give it up, you know he's from New Jersey, pretty motherfucker.

Give it up for Bill Bellamy.

[APPLAUSE]

Wassup, New York?

Wassup, New York?

Let me hear all the fellas in the house bark in here!

[MEN BARKING]

Aight, aight. Some of you got a cold, but it's aight.

Let me hear all the ladies in the house say "hello."

WOMEN: Hello!

Oh, shit, see y'all ain't sayin' it right.

Y'all should say it like when your brother take y'all out,

y'all find out he ain't got no money, you be like, "Hello?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Look in your other pocket.

"I swear."

I gotta ask the fellas, I need the fellas to help me out, right?

This is what I need to do.

This Mike Tyson case thing is throwing me off.

And I need to know if the fellas will help me,

if you want to help me through this case,

I wanna hear all y'all bark. Help me, fellas.

[MEN BARKING]

Right. Let's analyze the case.

Mike Tyson calls the honey, from the hotel room, 2:00 in the morning.

Is that or is that not a booty call, can you help me?

[BARKING AND LAUGHING]

Okay. All right. Right. Now, women know booty calls.

They're usually late.

Ladies know when that shit come,

they be laying in bed like... [SNORING]

[IMITATES PHONE RINGING]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Who calling me?"

She ain't even have to go!

And what do honeys usually do, fellas,

when they don't want to give you the booty? What they do?

Always bring that ugly girlfriend to block.

Right? I mean, what does she expect from Mike Tyson,

he call her up from the hotel room...

[IMITATES PHONE RINGING]

[FEMININE VOICE] "Hello?"

[IMITATES MIKE TYSON] "Hi, it's Mike. How you doing?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Yeah, I saw you earlier today. I swear, you're beautiful, I swear.

"Why don't you come to my hotel room, play Scrabble.

"I swear, we'll just play Scrabble."

Give me a break!

Every brother in here done made a booty call.

How many times you been in the crib on a Friday night, chillin'...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Saying to yourself, "Damn. Who can I call?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[MEN BARKING]

Man...

You go to your Rolodex.

[IMITATES ROLODEX SPINNING]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Vanessa. Too many kids."

[IMITATES ROLODEX SPINNING]

"Stacy." [CLICKS TONGUE] "Damn, owe her money."

[IMITATES ROLODEX SPINNING]

"Kim.

"Yeah. I ain't called Kim in a long time.

"Like bet, let me call Kim."

[IMITATES PHONE DIALING] Be praying she home, too.

[IMITATES LINE RINGING]

"Pick this motherfucker up."

[FEMININE VOICE] "Hello?"

[NORMAL VOICE] "Yes!"

[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] "Wassup!"

[NORMAL VOICE] "Wassup, Kim, how you doing?"

"I'm all right." "Yo, I was, you know,

"just thinking about you a little bit, you know. Um, what you doing?"

[CLICKS TONGUE] "Nothing."

[EXHALES] "I'm kinda tired.

"You know, I went shopping today. I am so tired. I'm already in the bed."

"Hey! Oh, shit!

"Ooh!

"You in the bed? Aight, check it out.

"Why don't you come by? Why don't you come by?

"Come on, for real. Why don't you just slide on by?

"Maybe we could like, make a movie...

"I mean, watch a movie or some shit like that."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"I am so tired. I mean, I don't know if I could come out tonight."

"Yo, come on. How long could it take you to get over here?"

"Five minutes, I guess. I don't know."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Just let me throw something on, okay? I'm coming, all right?"

"Don't play, are you coming?

"Don't fuck around, I'm serious. You coming, though, right?"

"Yes, I'm coming." "All right, all right.

"I'll see you in a few minutes, aight? You coming?

"I'll see you in a few minutes."

Go to the shower. "Whoo!

"Whoo!"[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Walk by the mirror. "I'm in the house!

"Aw, shit! My booty on the way!"

Every time a car roll by the window, you hit the shade.

"Where's the booty? Oh, shit!

"Where is my booty? I know my booty's on the way!

"Shit." Ten minutes later, doorbell ring.

[IMITATES DOORBELL RINGING]

You like, "Hey!"

Roll to the door.

"Wassup, Kim?

"Why you bring your girl?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"That's fucked up."

"Well, she was up, and I ain't know, you know...

"She was just up and I didn't want to come by myself."

And the ugly girlfriend always got something to say, don't she, right?

[DEEP VOICE] "How long y'all gonna be?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Go sit your ass in the car and shut up."

Seriously, man. Sex make you do crazy...

And I'll tell you this, right?

Everybody here remembers the best sex they had.

You will never forget the best shit you had.

You know what I'm talking about.

How many times have you been driving and shit, right?

You be driving and all of a sudden you're like, "Oh, shit."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[MEN BARKING]

"She gonna get a booty call tonight!"

My name is Bill Bellamy. It's been real, y'all!

[CHEERING]

Bill Bellamy. Give him a round of applause.

[CHEERING]

Okay, you have made this a wonderful occasion.

Let's bring out my man, Russell Simmons.

God bless you. Good night.

We'll see you next week.

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