Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

KID CAPRI: It's the Russell SimmonsDef Comedy Jam!

And now, your host, Martin Lawrence.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Give my man a round of applause, Kid Capri.

[APPLAUSE]

How you doin'? Pepper Johnson and the New York giants here. Give them a round of applause.

MARTIN: Why you tryin'...

Your boy trying to be cool on there.

What's his name? I don't know it.

The motherfucker always got on a helmet.

You! The one with the loud-ass flower shirt on.

Well, fuck it. All y'all got on some loud shit, though.

But ain't nobody gonna tell ya,

but me, 'cause I got the mic and I got security and I could get out the door.

How you doin', Mr. White Man? How you doin'?

Just wanted to come over, say hello to you.

Wanted to see how you were doin', you know.

How you feel?

Feeling good?

Is this your chick?

MARTIN: That's your chick?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

You bad now, ain't you?

Fuck, I'm nailin' her, you know.

Fuckin' well it out!

Fuckin' wellin' it, man.

Welcome to the show.

Hey, we just gonna do this thing, you know.

God damn.

I didn't see this motherfucker.

How you doin'?

These motherfuckers look like the broke Milli Vanilli, don't they?

[CHUCKLES]

Welcome to the show, Milli Vanilli.

Give them a round of applause, please.

We're gonna try to buy the album

if you sing on the motherfuckin' next album, okay?

So look, you guys, we want to thank you for coming to join us again.

Have fun, 'cause the brothers coming out here are workin' very hard for you.

Let's have a great time. I know you gonna enjoy it.

So movin' on,

come, my man from Chicago, Illinois.

He's gonna come out and kick it for you.

Give it up for my man, Chriss Charles.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC STOPS]

How y'all doin'?

Give me an "Aw, yeah!"

AUDINCE: Aw, yeah!

That ain't loud enough, New York.

I heard y'all some loud motherfuckers.

Give me an, "Aw, yeah!"

AUDIENCE: Aw, yeah!

All the white people in the house,

this is a black show, and you got all these white motherfuckers up in here.

I don't want to leave y'all out.

Give me a "Yee-haw!"

Come on, white people, give me a "Yee-haw!"

White lady up in the balcony, give me a motherfuckin'...

I'll come there and get your motherfuckin' ass.

Give me a, "Yee-haw!"

There's a white man down there.

Where's the motherfucker at that Martin was messin' with? Where he at?

And he's with a sister, too.

Ain't that a motherfuckin' bitch!

That's okay, man. You know, brothers be datin' white girls.

You know what they say, goose, goose, guinea, guinea,

white girl pussy, good as any. So, fuck it.

I just feel uncomfortable sometimes performing in front of white people

because I'm black and I slip up and say the word "nigga" every now and then.

It don't make me feel uncomfortable no more because I looked the word up.

And nigger means, in reality, "lazy person".

And when you go back four or five hundred years,

you think about this shit and you say,

"Well, who went and got who to do whose motherfuckin' work?"

So all you motherfuckers out there in cable land, how you niggas doin'?

'Cause I'm gonna talk some motherfuckin' shit. I'm pissed off.

In fact, I'm mad as motherfuckin' hell over that Rodney King shit.

Over the Mike Tyson shit.

Let's talk, in fact, all the brothers in the house say, "I'm mad as hell."

AUDIENCE: I'm mad as hell.

Say, "I ain't gonna take this shit no motherfuckin' more."

AUDIENCE: I ain't gonna take this shit no motherfuckin' more.

That's, let's...

I'm gonna skip over Rodney.

You know that was foul about Rodney King.

That's why I wear this button. Fuck the police.

Fuck them motherfuckers, man.

You know, they do.

They arrest you for some bullshit,

like Mike Tyson shouldn't have went to jail for that shit.

He didn't rape that girl. How many of y'all think that Mike Tyson raped that girl?

No, no, no.

She could have got him off her.

She could have hollered "ding, ding"

and the motherfucker would have ran in the corner somewhere, man.

He'd have been pissed. "I never get to fight. I never get no pussy!"

He didn't do that motherfuckin' shit, man.

'Cause that how come I don't take no women out no motherfuckin' more, man.

The last time I took a girl out, man,

I was down here. I took a girl to a nice, expensive restaurant.

Sizzler.

That motherfucker's expensive to my ass, man.

Man, women always want to go out and eat the most expensive shit on the motherfuckin menu.

Jumbo shrimps.

See, look at them.

Clappin' like you ain't never had seafood in your motherfuckin' life.

I don't mind buying some jumbo shrimp if I'm gonna get some pussy.

"Hey, are we fuckin' tonight?" "No."

"Bring her some fish sticks, please."

'Cause you go over a woman's house, man, and... Check this out.

Women know black mothers will be talkin' to these sisters.

They don't give 'em no leg.

And if a woman say she ain't gonna give you no pussy,

she mean that shit.

They know how to get in bed,

they know how to lock them motherfuckin' knees together.

They cross them arms. Look like a mummy in the motherfuckin' bed, man.

You can't get through to them.

You could get a jackhammer. [IMITATING JACKHAMMER]

You could put dynamite between... [IMITATING EXPLOSION]

You can have passwords, "Open Sesame."

And they'll be, "Not by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin."

They always wanna lay in bed and talk.

What the fuck are we gonna talk about?

We already lay there like this shit don't bother us, man.

I shouldn't do this, 'cause all the white people be thinking

our shit is hung like this for real.

You know, nigger wish his dick was this big, man.

If you had a dick this big, you would get no motherfuckin' pussy.

If you came out the room, "Ready baby? Haha!"

Women would be, "Ah! You hurt my pussy. No."

Give me an, "Aw, yeah!"

AUDIENCE: Aw, yeah!

You can't do shit with a dick this big

except hang a string on that motherfucker and go fishing.

You'd be out on the bus stop and shit.

You couldn't do nothing.

You couldn't drive with no dick in the windshield like this.

You couldn't even walk down the street.

You'd look like a blind man walking down the...

You couldn't do nothing with a dick like this except be a superhero.

It would be the adventures of Robo Dick.

You there, white man.

Say, "Aw, yeah!" or I'll shoot. Say it.

Look at them fags in the back of the room, "Me next. Do me!"

One thing I will say about white people that's cool,

y'all got some good-ass weed.

I gotta give you some of that...

Yeah, uh-huh. You late.

I don't feel sorry for them motherfuckers.

They got enough shit going for them,

but y'all do smoke some good-ass herb.

I don't know why they don't legalize marijuana, man.

Drink alcohol is worse than... It is.

You try to drink and drive, you can't do that shit.

They got these DUI cops out there.

That motherfucker arrested me the other day.

He said I was drunk driving.

How the fuck else am I gonna get home if I don't drink and drive?

You know? You crash into shit when you drinking and driving.

You smoke a joint, you ain't gonna crash into nothing.

Many days I done smoked a joint and left the club, man.

I ain't hit nothing because I'm sitting at the stop sign waiting for it to turn green.

Motherfuckers are blowin'. "Why don't you run that motherfucker?"

"No, Jack."

You know, fuck the government, man.

They want me to pay...

Fuckers bothering me about my student loan.

I ain't gonna pay the motherfuckin' student loan. I ain't graduate.

One thing I gotta say before I go, y'all, brothers,

I like to be positive. I like to strong,

I'm into the black thing, supporting black businesses.

You know, they're trying to suppress us.

We can't have own.

You know, we have the white people, not all of y'all,

but some of y'all got the Ku Klux Klan.

Not that you want to start no shit, but just in case we move in your neighborhood,

you can move us right the fuck on out, you know?

Government got the National Guard.

You know, not that they want to start nothing, but just in case.

Why can't black people have our little thing like,

the Black Panthers? You know what I'm sayin'.

Not that we wanna start no shit

but just in case.

Give me an "Aw, yeah!"

My name is Chriss Charles.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

All right. We gonna keep this show rollin' because the energy is happening.

Yo, coming to the stage from Atlanta, Georgia,

I know you're going to enjoy him, so, give it up for Ken Cox.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Thank you.

I'm from Dallas, Texas.

He said Atlanta but I'm from Dallas. How you doin', New York?

I love traveling, man.

I love traveling because I get to meet a lot of people.

Especially women, you know, I'm a ladies' man.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

That's right, and you know...

You know, being handsome...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And very sexy...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Guys always ask me, "How do you make a woman run after you?"

I tell them, "Snatch her purse."

That's what I do.

'Cause I'm a ladies' man.

That's right and I'm not prejudiced.

You know, I like dating ugly women, too, man.

'Cause pretty women make love like ladies, right?

Right?

Right? They make love like ladies, man.

They be going... [MOANING]

[GASPS]

[MOANING]

"Killer..." [GASPING]

Man, but them ugly women say, "Oh, yeah!

"Come on, hit it, Daddy.

"Act like I owe you some money."

[MOANS]

I'm 36 years old. Even today I cry loud.

Like the first time I found out my wife had a boyfriend?

I cried louder than anybody at the funeral.

Yeah.

I hear a lot of women say men are dogs because we run the street a lot.

You ever hear that?

"Men are just dogs."

Well, I'm going to tell y'all, there's some kitty cats running them streets, too.

You ever notice how a cat will rub up against your leg when it wants something?

[MEOWS]

Women do that.

Like if they want a diamond ring for their birthday?

[MEOWS]

That'll be one diamond ring coming up.

You know, 'cause some women say, "Girl, what did you have to do to get this?

"My husband would never buy me anything like that."

She say, "Girl, yes he will.

"Your husband bought this."

And I don't know, I guess by me being such a handsome guy,

I get a lot of...[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I get a lot of women asking me if black guys do oral sex.

I tell them that's where rap music comes from.

Brother tried it one night. He didn't like it.

He said... [BEATBOXING]

My name's Ken Cox. Thank you.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Yo, give a round of applause.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

That was deep.

Hey.[THUMPING]

Stop, boy.

Okie doke.

Okie doke.

Movin' on.

Movin' on.

Give it up for my man, Buddy Lewis.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, man. Turn that corny-ass shit off for me.

Motherfucker come out with little corny-ass music.

What's up?

It's Ice Cube's cousin, Rubik's Cube.

[CHUCKLING]

Man, my flight out here was wild!

Have you ever been on a plane

and been sitting next to a crazy cuckoo motherfucker,

and you can't move 'cause the flight is full?

I was sitting next to this brother, he on the plane, he just...

[CHEEPING]

I'm like, "God damn. That's fucked up. This motherfucker's crazy!"

And you can't move, right, 'cause you scared of this motherfucker

'cause you know he gonna be the first one to see some fucked-up shit with the plane.

He gonna talk about [CHEEPING]

"Plane's goin' down! Goin' down!"

"It's a fire, it's a fire."

But I thought about this shit.

You can use this crazy cuckoo shit, though.

Like when you on the train

and you wanna keep a seat on a crowded sub,

just use that shit. [CHEEPING]

[SHRIEKING]

But you gotta watch that shit in New York,

'cause you might get a motherfucker crazier than your ass

trying to talk to you. [SCREAMING]

No, no, no, man. You go on ahead and have that seat.

My stop's coming up like a motherfucker. Excuse me.

[CHUCKLING]

It's crazy, man.

And you see this kind of crazy shit on TV.

It's true man, you see crazy shit on TV.

Have you ever seen this?

Stupid-ass commercials you see on TV.

Can somebody tell me why that damn silly rabbit ain't never got no cereal?

I just wish one damn morning, I could have been the silly rabbit.

'Cause all that damn rabbit wanted was one bowl of cereal.

Not a box. Not a case.

One goddamn bowl.

I prayed I could be the rabbit just one morning.

Little kids running around talkin' about, "Hey, rabbit.

"You know the rules."

"No. Not this goddamn morning."

[CACKLING]

Yeah, you thought the silly rabbit was gonna be silly every motherfucking morning,

didn't you?

Put my cereal back on the table!

[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]

Oh, yeah.

I'm the cereal killer up in this motherfucker.

[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]

Shit.

All kinds of crazy shit you see on TV.

Have you all seen this, man?

Now, for y'all that don't know what that shit is,

this is a sport that white folks invented.

'Cause you know, brother... This is why they tie a rubber band in your ass.

And throw you off the highest cliff, bridge, whatever they got.

Brothers was bungee jumping in 1865.

Used to call that shit "lynching".

We ain't doin' no goddamn bungee jumping.

But you know, I'm the kind of fool that would try some shit like that,

get some fucked-up luck and get a brother,

like, who done no measurements.

You'd be jumping off, like, a 250 foot cliff.

Give you, like, 253 feet of bungee

be slamming your ass on that concrete.

And you'd be up at the top.

'Cause you know white people will convince your ass to do it.

"Hey, boy! It's like flying!"

And you be up there talking about,

"All right now, man. You measured everything, right?

"Now, you said right when I get to the edge, I'm gonna snap back, right?

"Right before I hit the concrete, right?"

"Yeah, man. Go ahead."

[SIGHS]

"Geronimo like a motherfucker."

[IMITATING WIND BLOWING]

"Hey, this is like flyin'."

[IMITATES WIND BLOWING]

[IMITATES THUD]

[IMITATING CRASHING]

[YELPS]

Motherfuckers come scrapin' your ass off with a big-ass spatula.

I don't think so.

Hey y'all, but I did see one thing that just fucked me up, y'all.

The other day I saw a movie that just tripped out.

Y'all seen Glory with Denzel Washington? Have you seen it?

Best movie in the world, y'all. Best movie.

'Cause there was a part in this scene

where Denzel Washington made me proud to be a black man.

You know the part where he got his ass kicked for going to get some shoes?

He took this ass-whoopin' like a man, y'all.

They said, "Denzel,

"You ran off, got them shoes.

"You got to get your ass beaten."

Denzel went, "Let's go."

Pow! Pow!

Pow! Pow! Pow!

I would've done it the same way if I was Denzel.

Same way if they'd have asked me to do it.

"Buddy, you ran off and got them shoes Gotta get that ass-whoopin'."

Shit.

Pow! [SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING]

That manhood shit go out the door when you getting your ass beat.

Peace, I'm out of here.

Give him a round of applause.

This is my man. I know you're going to enjoy him.

He's one of your own, he's from Harlem.

Give it up. Flex.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, God, this motherfucker.

What's going on?

All right, it's okay.

When I was this tall I had a bike, right?

What's up, blood? My man Mohammed right here. What's going on?

All right, yo. Give a hand for Martin Lawrence. Definitely.

And for the man who put this together, Russell Simmons.

Gotta give him your hand.

He like the grandfather of hip hop at this motherfucker.

Kid Capri, all right.

Live around the corner from you. You don't even call a nigga, right?

FLEX: All right.

On the way here, man,

you ever think about your relatives?

Like, past or present?

I had a grandfather who would tell me stuff when I was younger, man.

And I didn't understand it, but now that I get older, I understand it.

I'll be outside playing, I'll be like,

[HUMMING, VOCALIZING]

"Boy, come here.

"Let me tell you a story."

"It's about a bird and he's supposed to fly south for the winter.

"Now, he was fucking around and his wings froze up.

"So, he fell through a hole in the barn.

"And what do you got in the barn? You got a cow.

"Now, that cow shit on the bird.

"But the warmth from the cow shit helped his wings defrost so he could fly again.

"So, he started chirpin'.

"What else you got in the barn? You got a cat.

"Now, that cat came out and licked the shit off and ate him up.

"Now, the moral to the story is,

"everybody that shit on you, ain't your enemy.

"And everybody that takes shit off you, ain't your friend.

"Go on back and play."

There was this kid on my block named Billy.

He had, like, all his... He had bikes and stuff,

girls liked him because of materialistic stuff.

And I came in the house and I was like, "Grandpa,"

I said, "The girls like Billy 'cause he got pro Keds.

"He got a green machine.

"He got a big wheel.

"And he don't like me. Ooh-ooh.

"He don't like me."

He said, "Boy, that materialistic shit don't mean nothing.

"Let me tell you something. A story about an ant and an elephant.

"And they was walking down the street.

"And the elephant fell in a hole and he said,

"Hey, you gonna get me out?"

The ant said, "Give me 15 minutes and I'll be back."

The ant came back with a Corvette,

tied a rope around the fender, threw it down there and pulled him up.

Walking down the street some more. The ant fell in the hole.

He said, "Say, you gonna get me out?"

Elephant backed up, pulled out his dick,

threw it down there and pulled him up.

"Now, the moral to the story is,

"long as you got a big dick, you don't need a Corvette.

"'Cause I've been riding the chariot for years, God damn it!"

And it's funny...

Fellas, answer this question for me,

when you're with a woman, do you do the dip and sniff test?

The dip and sniff?

All right, this what you do. If you don't know, I'll show you.

You're with your lady...

[EXAGGERATED KISSING]

'Cause you gotta check it out to make sure it's ready, right?

So you... [VOCALIZES] Then you hug her.

Then you kiss her and you smell her, right?

But if you catch that wrong one,

you'd be like... [KISSING, SNIFFS]

Um, you change up. You're like,

"Um, I don't that this is right."

"You know, I'm rushing you."

And, uh, you know...

I just feel...

I just feel like... [SNIFFS]

This shit ain't right.

You need to wash your ass.

Serious, man.

It's like AIDS, man.

AIDS just be fucking people up, man.

AIDS is killing you dead. Pow.

Brothers be in the clinic rolling dice,

wishing they had anything besides AIDS.

They be like this, "Come on, gonorrhea, come on.

"Damn, AIDS." 'Cause AIDS is coming in a UPS truck.

Roll up to your house.

They be like...

[KNOCKING]

"We got a package of AIDS for Flex."

I be like,

[IN CHINESE ACCENT] "Flex don't live here, He live up the block."

And you got...

You got, like...

My man, my man... I mean, the King of Pop,

Michael Jackson.

The buggest dude in the world, right? Remember the time.

I remember when he had a big-ass nose. I remember when he had an afro.

But check it out,

just check it out.

[BEATBOXING]

[GRUNTS]

[BEATBOXING CONTINUES]

[BEATBOXING IMITATING MICHAEL JACKSON]

[SCREAMS]

[SCREAMS]

[SCREAMS]

Yo, peace! Y'all be good!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Give it up for Flex.

I'd like to bring my man out.

Come on up and let's say goodnight.

Come on.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Thank y'all for coming out. Goodnight and God bless you.

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