Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[APPLAUSE]

KID CAPRI: It's the Russell Simmons'Def Comedy Jam.

And now your host, Martin Lawrence.

[APPLAUSE]

Kid Capri, give it up for my man.

Baddest DJ out there. Yo!

How ya doing?

Well, once again, thank you,

and the viewers at home, thank you for joining us again.

We're very happy, hello.

I'd like to acknowledge some people, where are they?

Run-DMC, where they... Where they...

Run-DMC, what's up, man?

[APPLAUSE]Give them a round of applause.

Boys, yo man. I'm proud of y'all.

You boys sold 15 million records.

That's beautiful, beautiful.

Yo, that's... That's... That's young...

Get that shit. That's black people doing some shit.

[APPLAUSE]

You made that possible.

They some rappers though. They rappers.

We got somebody else in the house.

Where my man, Kenny Anderson? What's up? Where's Kenny?

Where is Kenny?

Oh, don't hide in the back, Kenny. What's up man?

Say "What's up" to the people.

Boy, Kenny Anderson with the New Jersey Nets.

That's nice, man. Kenny just got drafted,

2.9 million a year. Damn!

[APPLAUSE]

But... But he plays 2.9 minutes a game...

[APPLAUSE]

Uh, so that means you have 2.9 million splinters in your ass.

[CHUCKLES]

And that's 2.9 mil... No, I'm fucking with ya.

You're my boy. You're my motherfucker!

[APPLAUSE]

I don't care.

For that kind of money, I don't give a fuck.

'Cause, next year, you gonna be rolling and takin' that shit out.

Boom, you know. Coach, it was the coach that did that shit, man.

'Cause you my nigga.

And nigga's crazy nice with his...

[LAUGHING]

Real nice. For 2.9, I'll sit on the goddamn bench just like a little bitch.

[LAUGHING]

[SCREAMS]

You fouled him.

[LAUGHING]

I'll be a little bitch for $2.9 million.

[SIGHS]

We got some little pretty ladies here.

Little light-skinned ladies.

Now, you look mixed. Are you? You are? Yeah, see.

You're not black, you're not white, you're confused.

[LAUGHING]

[SCREAMS]

You're sort of like Kid from Kid 'n Play.

[LAUGHING]

"What'd my mom go and do?"

I'm jokin', I'm jokin'. How ya doin? I'm just jokin'.

Nah, 'cause I was always wonderin' about when people are mixed.

Your face is like...

"You know, I was just getting to know who I am.

"But you just fuckin' ruined it. fuckin' ruined it."

Nah, I'm just sayin' that helps during a riot,

'cause you can just jump on the white side.

[LAUGHING]

"Fuck 'em! Just fuck 'em!"

[LAUGHING]

Ooh.

Yo, comin' to the stage from my hometown,

'cause we all of that in DC,

and we comin' here to New York to do our thing,

but I know you gonna enjoy this brother,

so give it up for my man, Dave Chappelle.

[APPLAUSE]

What up, yo?[APPLAUSE]

Man, I am in the fucking house.

Boy, I just moved up here to New York, boy.

You wanna know why it was so wild for me moving to New York?

'Cause I moved straight into the West Village.

So y'all know... You know... Y'all know the first day in my new neighborhood,

I was just walking around laughing like a motherfucker.

[LAUGHING]

"Hey, man, look, look.

"There go some gay guys. [LAUGHS]

"Hey, look, there go some more, uh, they kissin'. [LAUGHS]

"Hey... Hey... Hey...

"Hey, what the fuck, man?"

[LAUGHING]

I ain't never seen so many gay people in my life.

Started havin' nightmares, man.

The same nightmare, every night.

I'm walking home late one night by myself.

Nobody else is around.

And, all of a sudden, this guy comes out of nowhere, man,

he puts a gun up to my head.

You know, and he doesn't want my money or anything like that.

He just says, "Click, click, click,

"Suck my dick."

[LAUGHING]

That's when I woke up every night. [GASPS]

[LAUGHING][SIGHS]

I told my boy about it. I said, "Man, I've been having this dream."

You know what he said? He said, "Yo, Dave,

"I would bite his shit off!"

I don't have the heart to bite somebody's penis off, man.

You know, you'd be all mad like, [SCREAMS]

Ugh.

[LAUGHING]

Oh. I would think about it. I'm not gonna lie.

I know every guy would. As soon as they see it, they gonna be like [GASPS]

"I'm gonna bite his dick off.

"I'm gonna bite his fuckin' dick off."

[SCREAMS][CLICK]

[KISSING]

[LAUGHING]

Hey, don't tell nobody, man, all right?

But I gotta live.

[APPLAUSE]

Well, fuck this.

Y'all a hyped-ass crowd, man.

Hey, we even got a white guy in the house. What's up, man?

Peace.

[LAUGHS]

I remember I went to a party with a white guy. He was like...

He wasn't like... You know, he was like real Vanilla Icy and shit.

And you know how brothers are at a party,

when we get together, we call each other niggas.

You know, nothing negative, just we be like,

"Hey, what's up, nigga?"

[IMITATING GUNSHOTS] Hey!

"Oh, my nigga. [LAUGHS] What's up boy?"

My white friend got all excited and said, "Hey, what's up, nigger?"

[EXCLAIMS] The music stopped, everyone looked at him.

[LAUGHS]

Man, he got his butt kicked that night.

I mean, he got fucked up. You know.

I hated to do it, but damn.

He was talkin' about my people.

I swear, man. I just got back from Los Angeles, California, man.

That's all they were talking about

was Rodney King this, Rodney King that.

Them riots were fucked up, man. Let me tell you something.

They looted a fuckin' donut shop.

[LAUGHING]

A donut shop, man.

Why would you do something like that?

I guess they were in the VCR store just breaking shit up...

[WHIPPING]Whoo.

"Damn.

"You hungry?"

[LAUGHING]"Let's get some donuts."

We gotta remember, though,

it is not all police officers that be beatin' people up.

Just most of them.

See, I understand how the police feel

because I myself used to have the most dangerous job in Washington DC.

I used to deliver pizzas for Domino's.

They would rob me every day, man.

I come to the door, be like, "Hey, buddy, here's your pizza."

"Great."

[LAUGHING]

"Put it on the table."

I had to get a gun, man.

Like, how many Domino's pizza boys have you seen carry a fuckin' gun?

I used to bust in people's apartments, just,

"Pssh! Domino's, freeze."

[LAUGHING]

"Put the money on the floor, man. Get on the floor, don't move.

"All right, I'm gonna get out of here nice and slow, all right?

"I don't want any trouble.

"One of you motherfuckers is gonna tip me."

[LAUGHING]

Peace, y'all.

[APPLAUSE]

[DRUM BEATS PLAYING]

I wanna rap. I wanna rap.

[DRUM BEATS STOP]

[DRUM BEATS START]

What are you? Drunk tonight, man?

Comin' to the stage is my man from Dayton, Ohio.

I know you gonna enjoy it, so give it up for Mystro.

[APPLAUSE]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

My fault. I was tryin' to get my drawers out of my ass.

[LAUGHING]

Oh, I'm just glad to be back in a real city with some real brothers, man.

Damn, 'cause I was... All last week, I was doin' a show in Louisiana.

I grew up in Ohio, they was actin' like I had an accent.

Every time I said something, they was on me like,

[SOUTHERN ACCENT] "What are you sayin', black man?

"We can't understand you.

"What do you want from us?"

[LAUGHING]

I was like, "Excuse me for using a subject and a verb on your monkey ass.

"That's what I said."[LAUGHING]

Damn man, 'cause they just country!

There's brothers Down South don't even know slavery's over yet.

I swear. I was walking through the...

I was walking through this airport in Alabama.

This brother ran up to me like, "I is goin' for my freedom tonight, man."

[LAUGHING]

"Is you comin' or is you ain't?"

[LAUGHING]

"We ain't gonna never have to worry about nothin' no more."

I was like, "No, money, I'm gonna stay here with the white folks, all right?

"I'm a house nigga, all right?"

Damn, man. Whoo!

Oh, my god.

But I got to give a shout out too, man.

We had a black pilot flyin' out here.

I was proud as hell, flat out.

'Cause you don't see too many brothers flyin' planes, man.

I was happy. Serious.[APPLAUSE]

Check it.

I had to take a double-take, you know,

I was expecting to see a white dude.

I walked in and I was like, "I... I... I... Hey.

"Hey."

I walked up in the cockpit and I was like, "Yo, money,

"fly this motherfucker.

"Shit, I got your back."

We sit down, he scared the hell out of me, man.

Brother came on the microphone,

"Yo, this your pilot, Scooty B, I'm in the house."

[LAUGHING]

"Yo, we gonna be leavin' Ohio on a...

"Shit, on a route? Uh...

"We gonna go through a... Shit, that next state...

"Shit, we just gonna end up in New York, all right?"

I'm nervous as hell, right?

Then to make matters worse, we backin' up from the gate,

this brother hits somethin', man.

Then he goes stick his head out the window talkin' about,

"Y'all saw me backing up, didn't ya?

"Is this a plane? Is this a plane?

"Get yo ass out the way then.

"Damn, they know I'm on probation. Damn."

[LAUGHING]

You know, 'cause I'm used to them white pilots.

Man, they tell you all kind of dumb shit, don't they?

I'm on there tryin' to sleep, he come on,

"This is your captain, Bob.

"I'm up here in the cockpit."

I'm like, "That's a good place for your ass, Bob."

[LAUGHING]

"You know, tell me some shit I don't know."

Be comin' on talkin' about, "This is bob, I'm down here in the luggage rack."

Now, that's some shit I need to know, all right?

[APPLAUSE]

Damn, serious.

Oh, damn.

Then you get them other white pilots,

they want to be tour guides and shit. This motherfucker,

"If you look to the left of the plane, you'll see the Grand Canyon."

I'm like, "Keep your damn eyes on the sky. All right?

"If I wanted to see shit on the ground, I'd of drove."

Damn.

Whoa.

I ain't gonna lie.

And then man, I ain't gonna lie, y'all,

we had a flight attendant that stuttered.

Almost pissed on myself laughing.

By the time she finished the safety briefing, we was landin', man.

[LAUGHING]

She was up in the aisleway, "In case of a loss of..." [STUTTERS]

"Cabin..." [STUTTERS]

Everyone on the plane was like...

We was sweatin' and shit, man.

Finally, I couldn't stand it.

I got up and said, "Damn bitch, get hooked on phonics, all right?"

[LAUGHING]Damn.

Wow. I couldn't take it.

Pissin' me off, man. 'Cause you'll remember

when flight attendants used to be all sexy and shit, had booties, bam!

Now they hirin' any ho that ain't scared of heights, man.

[LAUGHING]

I ain't lyin'. We had a flight attendant, man,

her booty was so big, she was comin' down the aisle

knocking drinks out of people's hands and shit.

She bent over to pick up a napkin,

some dude's arm went clean up her ass, man.

He had a little drink bottle in his hand, lost that motherfucker.

That's $4.50 up that ass, you know.

I'm like, "Yo, money, if I was you, I'd go get that.

"Yo, wipe off the top. You can drink that, shit."

Man.

"Alcohol a disinfectant, drink that."

I'm Mystro. Y'all be cool.

[APPLAUSE]

Give him another round of applause, Mystro.

[APPLAUSE]

Okay. All right.

We gonna keep this thing rollin'.

Ah, comin' to the stage, this girl is gorgeous.

You know what I'm sayin, I never had a chance to get with it.

But if I get a chance, I'm gonna get it,

then I'm gonna stick it, then I'm a flip it.

But [LAUGHS] no, man.

She's from Atlanta, Georgia. I know you're gonna enjoy it. Give it up for Chocolate.

[APPLAUSE]

All right, my first question.

Any men out there that eat chocolate?

[APPLAUSE]

All right, now. I don't hear nobody sayin' nothing.

I see y'all out there smilin'.

Teeth all brown.

[LAUGHING]

Talkin' about, "No, I don't eat no chocolate."

No, I love being black.

Any pro-black people here tonight? Pro-black?

[APPLAUSE]

Y'all can clap, I said pro-black, not poor black.

[LAUGHING]

No, I love being pro-black, I do.

But see, being pro-black, we do and say some stupid things.

We do. And see, I didn't realize it though

until this Jamaican woman walked up to me one day.

She hit me to a lot of things, but she went off on me.

She was like, [JAMAICAN ACCENT] "Come here, young lady.

"I want to talk to you about a thing or two.

"Me not understanding the ways of the Afro-Americans here.

"Me not understanding why my brother or sister walk to me and say,

"'Stay black, sister.'

"Why you gonna tell me to stay black?

"It ain't like I have a choice.

"I can't wake up in the morning and go, 'Oh,

"me think me wanna be white today."

[LAUGHING]

"And why they callin' us Afro-Americans here?

"How they gone name us according to the way we wear out hair?

"Didn't they know that one day the afro will go out of style?"

Now, if that were the case today,

she'd be a Weave American.

[LAUGHING]

"She'd be a Jheri Curl, and you with your bald head, you'd be extinct."

[LAUGHING]

And I just got my HIV test.

See, I wasn't scared to take mine,

see, because I been celibate, you know, for a while.

I have you know, I'm serious.

I've been celibate so long now, I feel like a virgin again.

[LAUGHING]

I'm serious. I can't even use tampons anymore.

[LAUGHING]

'Cause I been celibate now I think about two... Two and a half days now.

[LAUGHING]

I think I got this thing licked.

[CHUCKLES]

No, but see, I know y'all think, you know,

"Two days? She has got to be horny."

But see, no, 'cause I take care of me, I do.

That's right, I masturbate.

[LAUGHING]

Don't look at me like that, now.

Don't get me wrong, I don't do it, you know, to get off,

I do it to 'cause it makes my hair look good.

[LAUGHING]

But I feel like, you know, if you gonna do anything, give it 110%, you know?

So I be in there workin' out, I do. I worked out.

I do, if y'all was anywhere around,

y'all would swear somebody else was in there with me,

'cause I be in there...

"Whose is this?"

[LAUGHING]

"Whose is it?

"Say my name, say it."

[LAUGHING]

I don't know what y'all laughing at.

After I'm done, I roll over and have me a cigarette and a drink,

'cause I am good to me.

I'm tellin' you.

But no, you know. And I have to say to the women. You know, women,

just because a man goes down on you,

don't mean you got to do him.

[APPLAUSE]

All right now, hold it, hold it, hold it.

No, uh-uh.

[MEN BOOING][LAUGHS]

No, no, no. No, hold it, hold it, hold it.

Now, wait a minute.

No, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

[APPLAUSE]

Okay, see now, a lot of y'all clappin'.

A lot of women clappin'.

But I have to ask this question before I go on.

How many women in here give head?

[LAUGHING]

No need to lie, 'cause I ask the men.

Men, how many women in here give head?

[APPLAUSE][LAUGHS]

Thank you, thank you.

I'm tellin' you. And see...

See now, if this was a white club,

see the black women don't want to, they don't want to fess up.

But if this was a white club, you'd have to hold them women down.

[LAUGHING]

They been there, "Hun, you just show me where it hurts and I'll blow it."

[LAUGHING]

Chinese women, "Five dolla, sucky, sucky."

[LAUGHING]

Black women, "Boy, if you don't get that stankin' thing out of my face..."

[LAUGHING]

"You can at least wash it off first."

[LAUGHING]

Don't try to act like you don't, black women, 'cause we know.

But no, see the reason bein' though, see men,

it does not affect you guys the way it affects us, see.

See, you know, y'all may salivate a little more, lick your lips a lot.

But see, women. Women get stretch marks all around they mouth.

They do and it's an awful, ugly sight. It is.

And see, she know what I'm talkin' about,

'cause she looking at me like, "She right,

"and I ain't doin' that no more."

Thank you, my name's Chocolate.

[APPLAUSE]

Damn.

All right.

That's a gorgeous girl. Give her another round of applause, please.

[APPLAUSE]Uh...

Just...

I couldn't believe that motherfucker.

[LAUGHS] Work it out.

Yo. Well, coming to the stage,

give it up for my man, DL.

[APPLAUSE]

Give it up to Martin Lawrence one time y'all, loud.

[APPLAUSE]

I'm glad them fuckin' holidays over.

"Don't drink and drive." Motherfucker, how I'm gonna get home?

[LAUGHING]

What I'm gonna do, stay in a club all night drunk?

No, bitch, I can't go nowhere. Give me another beer.

'Cause alcohol cost me everything,

my job, my family, everything.

I know I should stop but I figure, fuck it. I'm no quitter.

[CHUCKLES][LAUGHING]

Why should I quit? [LAUGHS]

Everybody talking that shit about the looters, man.

I feel... I don't give a fuck, man.

That... That jury was fucked up.

Rodney King should them motherfucking ass.

[APPLAUSE]

'Cause don't nobody deserve their ass whooped like that.

I don't give a fuck what you do.

Look at the white man, you nervous as hell, huh?

[LAUGHING]

I know. I would be too,

'cause you know we lookin' at Rootsin the back.

You know that, right?[LAUGHING]

What's your name? What's your name, man?

Billy? Fuck that, you a nigga now. Your name Pookie.

[LAUGHING]

You one of us, motherfucker. You're a nigga now.

[APPLAUSE]

Somebody get this motherfucker an unemployment check.

[LAUGHING]

Go forth, be mad, 'cause you a nigga now.

[LAUGHING]

Look at this, this a big motherfucker, man.

Damn. You only go to movies with food in them, huh?

Children of the Corn,

Silence of the Lambs,

Fried Green Tomatoes.

[LAUGHING]

"I'm thirsty." "Well, let's go see Juice."

[LAUGHING]

Big motherfucker.

It's cool to be here, man, 'cause I ain't bullshittin', man.

Women, you got to be cool...

You got to take women to eat early,

'cause if you don't feed a woman, a black woman in the first two hours,

she will lose her fuckin' mind.

Won't she? The first two hours are like a grace period.

Then all of a sudden, you get a [ROARS].

"What was that?" "Nothing."

"What's wrong with you?" "Nothing, motherfucker."

So we just gonna drive right past that Sizzler, huh?

[LAUGHING]

"You ain't shit."

[APPLAUSE]

"Uh-uh, stop the car, I buy my own shit."

"Old triflin' ass. [LAUGHS]

"Triflin', just a..."

And women need shit to make love.

Women, "Oh, I can really make love

"if you put on some Luther Vandross.

"Oh, if you put on some Jodeci, oh."

Men don't need that, 'cause we know if we can get some pussy,

we can fuck to a siren.

"Whoo, bend over girl. That's my song.

"Come on now."

[LAUGHING]

I don't even fuck no more. My dick is just a trophy.

I just leave it on the fireplace.

"It used to really be something.

"Look at him go."

'Cause I ain't bullshittin'. I ain't goin' on...

I ain't even takin' no fuckin' AIDS test, man.

I don't even want to know if I got the shit.

I just want to be walking along... [GASPS]

"Help, I've fallen...

"And I can't get up."

[APPLAUSE]

Fuck that. There's too many ways to die, man.

I grew up with like one of them fathers, man.

That thought he was cool, but really wasn't.

Wore the short pants, the black socks and the sandals.

Always trying to make you go,

"Son, go to the store with me."

I'm like, "Fuck you, man. I got an image.

"Somebody see me with your crusty ass, my shit is through."

Drive one of them big cars. Buick Electra 225.

Niggas used to think it was a bus.

We would stop at lights, people I didn't know got in,

put change in the ashtray.

"Wake me up when we get to the mall."

He bought a pull out eight track for his car.

Like somebody's gonna fuck with them Al Green tapes.

'Cause you know they all love Al Green, that's the nigga.

Bought a burglar alarm, too. It didn't go, "Boop, boop."

It just went, "Nigga, please.

[LAUGHING]

Don't want this motherfucker."

I'd been bro... We used to be so poor, we was four of us.

My father couldn't pay for all four of us to go to Disneyland.

Just pay for one nigga.

He'd go and report, "It's fun!

"Y'all gonna love it. Wait till y'all get to go."

Well, my father was a man...

Remember when you had to fill out them slips, man?

So you could get them free lunch tickets at school?

Don't act like I'm the only motherfucker did that.

It's a gang of niggas that ate free.

'Cause goin' to school early in the mornin' so you can get them coffee cakes?

That was good as a motherfucker, wasn't it?

That was... You had to fill out that slip.

Your father... My father used to always be mad.

I used to wonder. I say, "Why is he mad? He ain't got to pay for this shit."

He used to always be mad. But you know what?

By filling out this slip and telling people how much money he made

and asking for help, that was like...

He thought that was his way of society telling him he was a failure.

Black people don't fail just they ask for help.

We need that. They owe us 430 something years' worth of shit.

[APPLAUSE]

That motherfucker would be in there, mad.

"Oh, I make $10,000...

"A decade."

[LAUGHING]

I don't...

My father for the first time, I'm not bullshittin',

for the first time, six months ago,

my father told me he loved me.

It touched me, man, 'cause my father never said he loved me before.

"I love you."

Right after that, that nigga asked me for $100.

[LAUGHING]

I said, "you can have it after you fill out this slip, motherfucker."

You guys have been great. Peace out. Thank you

[APPLAUSE]

Hey, man, you know...

I want to thank you guys for hanging out with us. I mean, this is beautiful.

Thank you for coming, all of you.

Let me bring my friend, the Scoopman.

Come here, Russell.

Come on. Hi, how ya doin'?

[APPLAUSE]

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