Original subtitles

KID CAPRI: It's the Russell SimmonsDef Comedy Jam.

[CHEERING]

And now your host, Martin Lawrence.

What's up?[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

Welcome to another Def Jam.

Give my man, Kid Capri, a round of applause.

[ALL APPLAUDING]

Thank you for coming out, once again.

We love ya dearly. Truly.

There some beautiful women here.

You know I know you good looking, girl.

There's pretty... God damn! Sisters just look good.

I'm looking for big titties. Where are my big titties?

[LAUGHING]

No, I'm not.

I just saw that movie, Basic Instinct.

Fuck that shit.

Who saw that movie? Did you see that movie?

That girl fucking and shit, just...

[LAUGHING]

Any time me and the lady fucking now on,

I'm looking with every other eye I got. I'm like...

[GROANS][LAUGHING]

"Give me them hands, motherfucker."

He was willing to die for that pussy, though. He ain't care.

He knew the bitch was stabbing that motherfucker.

He's just, "Oh... Oh... Ah... Yeah."

Oh, no, not me.

Brother like this, I ain't... God damn.

What kind of glasses you got on, man?

[LAUGHING]I know, it just...

It just threw me for a minute and shit. How many fingers?

[LAUGHING]

Fucker, you seeing eight, motherfucker. Stop lying.

[CHUCKLES]

No, I just saying... You cool, you cool.

Them motherfuckers are thick, though.

[LAUGHING]

They don't have no contacts that...

[LAUGHING]

Be bubbles and shit.

You know what I'm saying, man? You know.

'Cause you my boy. You know I could rap to you about that.

♪ You my boy [LAUGHING]

Y'all got good parking? Huh?

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Hell no.

You didn't? Motherfucker's mad.

We never get good parking.

Never. Well, in New York, you can't get them shit.

Piss-infested...

[LAUGHS] No, no, no, I love New York.

They don't think that funny. "We gotta live here.

"You don't have to say that about us, Martin."

No, New York's very nice.

Just no parking. It's fucked up.

Handicapped people got very good parking spaces.

I park there now.

I park there, cop gonna tell me,

"Get... Hey... Hey... Hey, you ain't, no."

I said, "Motherfucker, you speak for yourself."

[LAUGHING]

I told him and shit, "You speak for yourself."

He said, "But you don't have on no... The tag."

I said, "I just got my car."

"You don't know me."

[LAUGHING]

"What you gonna do? Beat me like Rodney King?"

[CHUCKLES]

Know what I'm sayin'?

Park there, black people, park there.

And they ask you black...

They tell you, "You ain't handicapped,"

say, "I'm black, motherfucker. I'm handicapped.

[LAUGHING]Shit.

Moving on with this, yo. [CHUCKLES]

Coming to center stage from Chicago,

give it up for my man, Lester Barrie.

[APPLAUSE]

What's up, New York? How y'all doin'?

[CHEERING]

I'm out here tryin' to make a little money,

'cause that's what I do, you know, make money.

And I hate people that tell me, "Lester, money can't buy you happiness."

Now, it's obvious to me that these Negros don't know where to shop.

[LAUGHING]

'Cause, see, I shop at the BMW dealer.

I drove out of there last week

with something that strongly resembled happiness, you know.

And it smelled like happiness too, you know.

[INHALES] That new smell.

And funny thing, when the ladies looked at me,

I... I felt happy, you know.

[LAUGHING]

Zero to happiness in about 4.5 seconds.

I think you know what I what I'm talkin' about.

So I can't get on the bandwagon of criticizing Michael Jackson.

People always talking about him.

He's gay, he's freaky, he's playing with animals.

Ladies and gentlemen, if Michael Jackson would put me on salary,

I'd be one of his animals, all right?

[LAUGHING]

'Cause I got to come up, y'all.

I'm livin' in the ghetto right now.

I got to come and the roaches is botherin' me.

Oh, yes. Oh, yes. I got roaches.

I don't mind saying so.

I got so many roaches, I got some roaches in my car.

Now, you know you got a lot of roaches

when some of them got to sleep in the car, y'all, come on now.

But I'm gonna tell you how bad the roaches are,

I'm what they call a procrastinator.

Now, what that means is that rent will sit on that table in my apartment

until the 10th, and then I'll figure out it's time to pay the rent.

So this one particular time, it occurs to me,

"Oh my God, today is the 10th, I haven't paid my rent."

I go over to the desk to get the money order.

The money order is gone, black people.

I'm looking all over for the money order.

I turn the apartment upside down.

I even started a fight with my girl. I said,

"Baby, give me the money order. You took that money order.

"Give me the money order."

She said, "I ain't take your dang money."

You know how black women are. "I ain't take your money."

And we was about to go to blows, right?

Until the big bad roach walked up and said, "Don't fight."

He said he took the rent down to the landlord.

He say he didn't want us to get put out, yo.

[LAUGHING]

But I got to stay in my own neighborhood, you know what I'm sayin'?

When I come up, I got to be near my people.

You know what I'm sayin', that's just me though, you know.

And not that I hate white people if there's any of y'all in here,

'cause I don't wanna be one of the black people

amongst all this racial tension

and stand up and say that black people should not hate white people.

We shouldn't, and I know that every now and again,

a black man is gonna have a slavery flashback.

Now, I know that.[LAUGHING]

Now, I could just be jogging with one of my white friends,

and they'll say, "Hey, Les, what do you say we pick up the pace?"

"I ain't pickin' nothin'! Whoo."

[LAUGHING]

"Oh, it's hot.

"That joggin' suit, it ain't cotton, is it?"

And white people got all the nice stuff.

Not that brothers don't got nice stuff, 'cause we do,

but white people don't take care of their stuff like we do.

And it's upsetting.

I saw a white man on my way here tonight...

[LAUGHING]

He was driving a Mercedes.

And he was digging in his nose, y'all.

Now, I'm looking at him, and I'm thinking,

"Now, where's he gonna put that?"

[LAUGHING]

I mean, he can't wipe it under the seat

'cause it's a Mercedes, right?

I mean, if he was driving like a Pinto or something it'd be different, right?

Now, everybody with a Pinto is mad at me,

but we can go outside and do a booger check right now.

Take care of your things.

Brothers, give it up for the sisters in the house.

They lookin' good. Come on fellas, give it up.

Give it up. Give it up for them. That's right. Yeah.

Now, you weren't clappin', J.

Give it up for the sis...

Okay, give it up for the men then, come on just...

[LAUGHING]

Sexy chocolate.

[LAUGHING]

Just give it up for somebody, man.

I want me a strong black woman, man. You know what I'm sayin'?

I'm looking for a strong, strong black woman, you know what I'm sayin'?

All the strong black women in the house say, "Ah!"

WOMEN: Ah!That's right.

I ain't really notice the difference

between a strong woman and a weak woman

until I saw that movie, The Hand That Rocks the Cradle.

Now, if you didn't see this movie, I ain't gonna spoil it for you.

But in this movie, a woman come into your house, girlfriend.

She gonna take your husband and your child away.

Now, this woman sitting there through the whole movie,

"Why doesn't she just leave us alone?

"Oh, my God."

Had that been a sister, that movie would have lasted about two minutes.

A sister would have said, "Oh, is that the hand that rocks the cradle?

"Well, meet the finger that pulls the trigger."

[LAUGHING]

I gotta get out of here. I'm Lester Barrie. God bless you, out.

[APPLAUSE]

Give him another round of applause please.

[APPLAUSE]My man.

Another round of applause.

You got my man right here, Dres from Black Sheep. What's up, man?

And my partners as well, Kid 'n Play.

What's up? Suck it tight. Suck it tight, man.

Thanks for comin' out, my man.

Yo, movin' on with the show.

[LAUGHS] Comin' to the stage from my hometown.

And be nice, 'cause we got it goin' on.

But I know you gonna enjoy this brother, give it up for Royale.

[APPLAUSE]

What's up, New York?

[APPLAUSE]

Now, see, I gotta let y'all know something.

I was a little apprehensive about comin' up here to do the show

because the last time I was here, I played a club

and I got in an altercation with this guy in the audience.

Okay, not an altercation.

This guy in the audience kicked my ass all around the club.

But we not gonna have that problem tonight, are we?

[APPLAUSE]

Hold that for me, man.

We not gonna have that same problem tonight, are we?

Uh...

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHS] It's crazy, man.

You know, I play with the gun, but honestly, I don't need a gun,

because I come from a rather large family.

You know, I have 11 brothers and two sisters.

And we'll jump your ass in a minute.

[LAUGHING]

You know, because that's what my father taught us

to do when we were younger, you know?

My father used to box, and he'd tell us,

"Now look, if you can't beat 'em, jump 'em."

[LAUGHING]

That shit worked too, man.

'Cause if one of us came home from a fight crying,

my father would beat the one that was crying for losing the fight...

And beat the other 13 for not jumping the motherfucker

like he tells us to do in the first place.

You know, and if all 14 of us came home from a fight crying,

my father better be sittin' on that couch

and a newsflash better come on saying,

"Mike Tyson has escaped prison."

'Cause Mike Tyson is bad, man.

Mike Tyson is bad, but he ain't the baddest Mike of all time.

You guys know who the baddest Mike of all time is?

Oh, that's right, Michael Jackson.

Oh, oh, no, Michael Jackson, without a doubt.

Let me tell you something. Anytime...

Any man that has to adjust himself 1,300 times

in a three-minute video got to be bad.

I do a whole set and don't have to adjust myself

but boop, one time. That's it.

I think I must still be in the ding-a-ling stage.

Ro have a little thing, I tell you that now. Ain't it, dude?

[LAUGHS]

And black women don't make it easy on a brother.

You know, 'cause I consider myself

to be like one of the suavest guys making love.

I go in the bathroom and get undressed

and come out like this.

[WHISTLING]

My girlfriend gonna tell me, "Royale, wait, wait one minute."

I said, "What's wrong?"

She said, "You got a little thing."

[LAUGHING]

Oh, y'all laughin', but I was hurt.

[LAUGHING]You know...

And I had to think of somethin'.

So I told her, I said, "That's right, baby. I got a little thing,

"but I'm drinking milk now."

[LAUGHING]

Oh, man.

She said,"Well, don't you think it's about time

"for them cows to come home?"

I said, "Cows? Shit, you wrestlin' with the bull.

"And while you down there, don't let the smooth taste fool ya."

[LAUGHING]

Oh, man.

You got to watch them ladies, man.

It's good to see all these people in here together man,

sisters and brothers. White people, Chinese people.

Any homosexuals in here?

We wanna make sure everybody's well represented and shit.

Oh, y'all laughin' man, but homosexuals everywhere you go.

You can die and go to hell,

be a homosexual down there with his shirt tied in a knot, complaining,

"Oh, my Lord, it's hot down here. Can we get some water?"

[LAUGHING]"This don't make no sense."

And you ever noticed how if you tell a homosexual "No,"

he ain't just gonna walk away.

He gonna walk away like you about to change your mind.

Like a homosexual come up to me,

"Excuse me, you want me to suck your dick?"

"No."

He walk away like this.

[LAUGHING]

Uh-huh.

And that some shit personally I just don't understand, man.

That whole homosexual thing.

I don't understand that, you know?

And like a friend of mines was tellin' me,

"It's not a random thing, everybody has homosexual genes.

"You know, and whether you become a homosexual or not

"depends on whether your genes dominate."

Like you, man, what's your name?

[LAUGHING]

What's your name, man?

Artie?

Help me out with this, brother,

'cause I'm tryin to figure this out, you know?

But between me and you, man to man,

ain't nobody else gonna know this but like,

the 50 million motherfucking HBO viewers out there.

Hey, like...

Would you suck another man's dick for a million dollars?

No.Huh?

Now see, what was so hard about that?

He might not be a homosexual,

but he ain't the smartest motherfucker in the world.

[LAUGHING]

A million dollars, you can suck a dick and relocate, man.

[APPLAUSE]

Hey, my name is Royale. You guys have been great. Peace.

[APPLAUSE]

I'm getting old...

But I'm not sucking a dick.

[LAUGHING]

I know, man, 'cause you know,

he talking about sucking a dick for a million dollars, fuck that.

What if the check bounced?

[LAUGHING]

You be like, "Oh, fuck, damn it.

"What do you mean this shit's not going through?"

[CHUCKLES]

No, man.

Two million dollars maybe. In cash.

[CHUCKLES]

No, I'm not sucking a dick.

Okay, coming to the stage

from Mount Vernon, New York, give it up for JB Smoove.

[APPLAUSE]

What's up?

What's up? Buggin' out up in here.

Def Comedy Jam. What's up, y'all?

[APPLAUSE]

I'm buggin' out, man. Buggin out, yo.

Who's gonna vote this year?

[APPLAUSE]

For Bush? Hell no.

Is anybody on welfare here?

Is it... No... I read in USA Today,

my man is trying to get everybody off welfare...

But he ain't gonna do it the easy way.

He's gonna frustrate you to get off welfare.

Talkin' about, he gonna make food stamps this big.

[LAUGHING]

'Cause he know damn well

ain't nobody gonna go to store with no big-ass food stamp.

"Baby, I need you to go to the store for me."

"Damn, Ma."

[LAUGHING]

"Look at homeboy with the big food stamp.

"Get a job, man, get a job."

"How much is that, man? Three dollars?"

[LAUGHING]

I can't stand when I'm in a store

and I'm behind somebody with food stamps

and they give you that, "You want my food stamp?" look.

It's always the old ladies too, talking about...

One, two, three...

[LAUGHING]

Four, five, six...

Boy, what the fu... Get your ass outta here.

Just got my first apartment, yo!

My first apartment, boy.

[APPLAUSE]

But when I moved in, I bought that, you know, sticky mousetrap shit.

You know, that little...

But, yo, is it me,

or does it seem like a sticky mousetrap catch everything

except the motherfuckin' mouse?

[LAUGHING]

Put the damn thing down... No lie...

Put the damn thing down in the nighttime.

Get up in the morning, "Oh!"

What the fuck is? There be cookies, pennies, Doritos,

and you ain't even got no damn Doritos.

"Yeah, but how the fuck..."

I went to work one day, no lie...

I went to work one day, came home a little early,

and my door was like halfway open, so I'm like,

"Damn. Somebody done broke in my house, man."

I'm sayin' like, "Damn!"

So I, like, pushed the door open a little bit

and the burglar was stuck on the fuckin' trap.

[LAUGHING]

What the fuck is this?

[SCREAMS] "What the fuck? What the fuck is this?"

[SCREAMS] "What the fuck?" [SCREAMS]

"Hey, my man, hold this VCR.

"What the fuck? Oh, shit."

But jail is a trip. Know why?

Because now they tryin' to use psychology on prisoners now.

Now they trying to say that depending on the paint color on the wall,

a hostile prisoner will calm down.

When's the last time you seen somebody get arrested,

calm down because of the paint color on the wall?

"Get off me, What's up? Get the fu... Get off me, man. What's up?

"Get the fuck off me..." [GRUNTS]

[PANTING]

[SCREAMS]

"Is that hot pink?"

[LAUGHING]

Hey, y'all be cool. I'm JB Smoove.

[APPLAUSE]

Give another round of applause.

[APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHS] Oh, we gotta move on.

Oh, I had the pleasure of doing a pilot with her, a long time ago.

And I love her 'cause she's good people.

Give it up for my girl from Chicago, Myra J.

[APPLAUSE]

Hello.

Nah, it's too many black people in here. I said hello.

ALL: Hello!All right.

Got a lot of good-lookin' brothers in here.

Ladies, give the brothers a hand.

[APPLAUSE]

Black man gotta have they propers.

'Cause I love me some brothers.

Like the way you walk.

Brothers got that little dip in they walk.

I figure it's that extra weight keep y'all off balance.

You know what I'm sayin'? Oh, yes.

Brothers like to communicate with they stuff. You ever notice that, lady?

Black men talk with they stuff.

Brothers be standin' in the parking lot, talkin' about,

"Hey, man, you wanna go play some ball?"

Other one say, "No, man. I'm just gonna hang out right here."

[LAUGHING]

See, I got a few years on me.

I know what I'm talkin' about when I'm talkin about the stuff.

Got these young kids out here now singin'.

I know they don't know what they talkin' about.

Tevin Campbell.

Young Buck...

Singing, "Tell me what you want me to do."

[LAUGHING]

I said, "Hell, you ain't but 15 years old.

"I want you to introduce me to your daddy."

[LAUGHING]

I mean, I may be a comedian,

but you make me laugh in bed, you done pissed me off.

Some things just ain't funny.

Rough being a woman out here today.

Can't even go out and get your little douche products no more like you used to.

You know how we used to do?

We just go get the little hot water bottle, you know,

and a little vinegar and it was over.

Go in the store now, got more flavors than Kool-Aid, okay?

All up and down the counter.

Vinegar and oil, strawberry, herbal, country fresh,

Doug E. Fresh, pina colada, collard greens.

[LAUGHING]

We be standin' there all confused about,

"I don't know what I want to smell like.

"Baby, you hungry? What you wanna eat, okay?"

[APPLAUSE]

Whoo! Hello.

Hello!

They done went nuts.

They done went nuts.

People going around changing they bodies.

Glad we ain't doin' this as a people.

We are beautiful people.

Don't be changin' what God gave you.

[APPLAUSE]

They out here gettin' implants.

First of all, we can't get them, they cost too much.

I know, I checked around.

But they do, girl, they cost too much.

If I was good-looking, I'd have to put my titties in layaway.

I'd be up talking about,

"Girl, I'm gonna get the other one when my income tax check comes."

[SCOFFS][LAUGHING]

It don't make no sense.

We all wanna look good, wanna look beautiful,

we be going on all kinds of diets and stuff.

Went out and got that little spandex dress, still can't get in.

I can't, girl. I just wrap it around my face and use it as a headband.

But I did find somethin' that work, ladies. I found something that work.

The Thighmaster.

Y'all know what I'm talking about when I say Thighmaster.

That little v-shaped thing with the little ball on the end.

You supposed to stick between your legs, work it like this here.

Well, you supposed to point the V down towards the floor.

Girl, I didn't read the instructions.

[APPLAUSE]

Whoo, honey.

Baby.

I got to working that sucker,

I done lost six inches in two weeks, that's all I can tell you.

It works, it works.

'Cause you got to keep Sister Meow happy.

You know what I'm talking about when I say, "Sister Meow?"

Oh, yeah. I call it that because it does purr.

Oh, yes it does. If we could get real quiet in here, fellas.

Y'all hear the whole room going [PURRING].

[LAUGHING]

Oh, yeah.

You got to keep it happy.

So ladies, I wanna give you some advice.

Don't ever go out with no old man.

You know when I say old,

older than his parents.

'Cause... I'm serious.

'Cause old men got gray...

Public hairs.

I'm not lying to you.

Girl, it's a disgusting sight.

They long and silver,

it look like Christmas tinsel hanging down there.

[LAUGHING]

I just wanna stick some gifts underneath

and start singing, "Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow."

[APPLAUSE]

Ain't nothin' more frustrating than just bad sex.

Oh, that'll piss a women off.

You ever just be up in the club...

Just them great big old fat men come up to you?

Just them big Shamu-looking suckers?

You done been with them, you know they be up in the club talking about...

[PANTNG] "Hold up.

"Oh, baby.

"Say, Mama.

"Ah, this here your playground, Mama.

"Ah, this here ain't nothin' but a playground."

Ain't a woman in here tonight that need that much recess, okay.

I'm sorry.

Making love to a big, fat black man

is just like a Hershey's with almonds.

I don't want to go through all that chocolate just to get a nut.

Whoo, hello, I'm through.

[APPLAUSE]

Myra J.

Oh, miles of funny.

All of them. No, no.

Myra J. Give her another round of applause.

[APPLAUSE]

Now it's time to say goodbye to all our company.

Let me bring bald-head man up.

My partner, Russell Simmons. Give a round of applause.

[APPLAUSE]

What's up, man?

What you wanna say to people, Russell?

Thank y'all for comin' out. God bless you all,

and we'll be black next week.

[APPLAUSE]

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