Original subtitles

[APPLAUSE]

KID CAPRI: It's the Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam!

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

And now your host,

Martin Lawrence!

Shut up, girl.

Give... Give my man a round of applause, Kid Capri.

Give my man a round of applause.[APPLAUSE]

My muff fucked up.

Yeah, I had a... Hey, hey!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

And then... You know what I'm saying?

Dude, you my motherfucker, you know that?

'Cause you a big boy, man!

How old are you?

19.19? God damn!

Oh, Lord!

You ain't know that other big motherfucker, you know that big...

You this big boy, I'm happy for you, you just hungry.

Don't worry about it though, you know you a big boy though, right?

Don't leave here crying, "He cutting on me and shit."

I mean, don't leave here wobbling and shit.

I'm sorry. I'm fucking with...

You my motherfucker, man!

Thank you for coming out though man, black man.

You a good looking brother too, man.

Women don't care that. You could be... Stay large,

don't try to trim down for no-god damn-body.

Just get some dollars in your pocket.

You have ladies on your stomach like this...

"You so crazy."

They'll cook for your ass every day.

"You want something to eat? What you want a hamburger?

"Oh, okay. You want cheese on that? Oh, okay."

Aight?

So just get paid, you gonna be a'ight!

Like to acknowledge some people in the house!

I wanna thank y'all first of all for coming out.

I'd like to acknowledge my partners,

right there, boom. Derrick Coleman.

My man Billy Owens, thank you for coming out.

Brothas from Syracuse now in the NBA, doing their thing.

Heavy D!

Heavy!

See, Heavy up there, see?

Heavy making money!

That's my nigga there!

That's my motherfucker there!

Girls love Heavy, don't they, Heavy?

"Hi, Heavy D, how you doing?"

"How you doing, Heavy D?"

Now, I gotta ask you a question 'cause these legs are throwing me.

You got on shorts and...

Don't be embarrassed now!

Gotta use a condom for that shit, though.

You ever lose the motherfuckers, though?

I'm saying fellas, you all know what I'm talking about.

It's very hard to use them shits.

'Cause you know.

You know, 'cause you wake up in the morning, you want a li'l bit.

You know you wanna turn over,

stinking breath and all, and just like this...

Good morning to you,

good morning to you.

But now you gotta use them condoms,

you wake up in the morning like this...

"You trying to do something this morning?"

And your shit is like "Pow!" You like, "Hold on, where my bag?"

"Where my motherfucking bag at, where my motherfucking bag?"

"God damn, what you do with my bag?"

By this point, your dick done went down, you like this.

"Just go ahead to work, I'll call you."

"Go the fuck to work."

So you know, use them.

I'm just saying, you know,

'cause you a clean girl. Good girl, good girl.

Good, clean girl.

Yo, coming to the stage from Oakland, California,

give it up for my man, Andrea Covington.

[APPLAUSE]

Wassup New York? What's happening, y'all?

Good to be up here, man.

I'm glad you all came out, especially with this recession going on.

How many people just got like broke-ass friends?

That just like never have any money.

Look at people point and say, "Yeah, that motherfucker right here, man." [LAUGHS]

Don't you hate it, man?

'Cause you can tell when your poor friends call the house,

'cause when your friends with money call it's like,

"Hey, man, what you doing?

"You eating? Well, look here, let me call you back."

But when your broke-ass friends call it's like,

"Hey, man, what you doing?

"You eating? What you eating?

"Chicken? Baby, get the kids."

There some fine women up in here too, man. Damn!

I was fucking this girl, we was making love, right?

I was in there just waxing it. Thought I was waxing it.

Feel this tap on my shoulder, she goes, "Uh, look here.

"Uh, I think I wanna get on top now."

I said, "Well, what do you want me to do?"

She said, "I want you to lay there and cry like a woman."

I said, "Look here, baby, I'm a man, I ain't gonna be crying like...

[STARTS CRYING]

"Work it, Keysha!

"It's your thing, hey!"

I'd come home every day. "Did Keysha call?"

I am a breast man. Love breasts, man.

How many fellas like breasts, man?

Just... Look at that. Fellas!

[APPLAUSE]

We just love some breasts, don't we?

And see, women, y'all don't understand why we like breasts so much.

Here, let me explain it to you.

See, when we was babies we would cry,

mothers would put their breasts in our mouth.

We would shut up. We like that.

But what y'all don't realize, that still works this very day.

Really, next time your boyfriend or husband at home,

he's bitching about those bills and those shoes you just bought.

Throw a titty in his mouth!

That's all.

He'd be like, "Girl, every time I turn around, you buying shoes,

"I'm just getting... [CHOKING]

"Well, go get another pair, shit!"

I hate it, though, when that gravity take hold,

'cause like gravity and breasts do not get along at all, man.

'Cause I walked in on my grandmother one time, I was like six years old,

she didn't have a bra on...

Looked like she had four arms, man. She was just...

She said, "Baby, help me find my bra."

I'm like, "Shit, you got four arms!"

And see, most women are good with they bras.

They get a little hole in it, they'll throw it away.

Some of y'all.

I was with this girl one time,

girl had holes all in her bra y'all,

had her nipple sticking out one of the holes.

Looked like a big-ass eyeball and shit.

Wherever I walk, that eye just followed me around the room and shit.

I said, "Look here, I'm going to the bathroom."

She said, "Well, you hurry back. I'm a keep an eye out for you."

And, fellas, you guys... With our underwear.

See guys, we keep our drawers too long too, don't we?

I ain't... I got a pair of drawers so old,

just a band and a label left, man.

They used to say "Fruit of the Loom" and now they just say "Frooms."

My wife was washing, she goes. She said, "Baby, whose headband is this?"

I was like "Gimme my drawers."

But I got here. I gotta say something to the young brothers out here, man.

We gotta go back, we gotta talk to our

younger brothers and set them straight, man.

Teach them about our black history.

[APPLAUSE]

Because we got brothers out now,

I was with a young brother other day,

I say, "Man, how do you feel about apartheid?" He was like, "Apartheid?

"Shit, I love to partay!

"I was at a partay last night, man!"

And we gotta educate white people too,

'cause a white lady came to me the other day,

she said, "Let me get this right,

"your great-great father, grandfather, he was a colored,

"your grandfather was negro, your father was black, you're African American.

"What do you want your kids to be?"

I said, "Just equal, baby." Peace, I'm outta here.

[APPLAUSE]

Yeah, just equal.

It's all we want.

Black people don't want much.

Give him a round of applause,

that was Andre Covington.[APPLAUSE]

This is you.

Come here.

Come here.

[CHEERING AND WHOOPING]

This is my girl, my... My...

My... I mean, people are gonna think we go together when I say girl.

But this is a good friend of mine, Leslie,

and you viewers don't get to see this.

She dances her ass off for everybody.

Do the flip thing.

The flip thing one time for me on television.

They gotta see the flip.Can I have some room?

Yeah. No, no, Leslie, the split in the air thing.

Hold that motherfucker, Leslie! Hold that...

Okay.

[AUDIENCE WHOOPING]

Woo-hoo! Hold that motherfucker!

Woo! Nigga like this...

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, God damn!

We gotta talk, girl.

We got to get together!

That's a motherfucker's dream move!

Oh, you all that, you all that!

A'ight.

A'ight, coming to the stage

from Atlanta, Georgia. I got to see her work in Atlanta.

I got to work with her.

Very funny, very gorgeous but boom, I know you gonna love her.

Give it up for Angela Means!

[APPLAUSE]

Hey! I'm in New York feeling good,

New York is going on.

Hey, girl with a fro.

The men here,

the men are so different. Y'all are so cute.

Some cutie pies in New York. Hi, cutie.

I met one today, I was shopping.

Brother came up to me, asked me would I be free for dinner after the show?

And I told him, I said, "Well, no, I'm not gonna be free.

"You know, shit. I'll be reasonable.

"Fuck that free shit."

But he was a dark brother, like I like them.

You can't be too dark, and you can't... Shut up, nigga.

Don't let this light skin fool your ass.

'Cause I'm the wrong nigga to fuck with!

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

A'ight.

Word to your momma, 'cause I come up there and cut your ass!

Y'all like, "Look at this bitch, she think she cute."

I do, shoot.

No, but you can't be too dark and you can't be too light,

'cause like I live in South Central, right?

During the riots, my bro... My man broke up with me,

told me I was too light to hang out with him.

After that white man got pulled out his truck.

Like, "No, baby, you can't roll with the kid.

"Keep your high yella ass in the house.

"You'll be all right, this ain't gonna last too long,

"we get back together. Love ya, girl.

"I love your high yella ass.

"Stay in the house." I stayed in the house and watch what was going on.

Rodney King came on and I almost lost my mind.

Tell it... Say it, girl. [SCREAMS]

Look at Rodney, he's so fine. Looking like Karl Malone.

Lookin' just like Karl Malone.

And I was like talking about, "Can we get along?"

I was like, "Rodney, we can get along!"

I could get along wit you!

And after you get paid, a whole lot better!

I mean, 'cause who can't get along with a brother with money? You know?

I mean, I'm not saying you can't get along with a broke brother, but, no,

I ain't putting no effort for him.

Shit, I got to be comfortable.

With my damn self.

No, it's... I get along with people pretty good. I do. Like...

'Cause there some guys that they really have a hard time.

There's a certain kinda guy...

Like that brother that be in the night club.

Just ask every female in there to dance.

And he don't dance all night.

Now see, when I see this brother, I'll dance with him.

Okay, we can dance.

Not on the outside of the crowd,

we got to go in the middle. [LAUGHS]

I can't be seen with your ass.

Get back just a li'l bit.

You working my ovaries with yo black ass.

You wanna do what? You wanna do the bump?

Hell, can't nobody see us.

Ow! Oh. Oh!

Get back, you ancient negro.

With your li'l gold tooth. Okay. What's that in there? Your initials?

Oh, sweetie, that's some food or something, go like that.

And then he want to get loud, right?

"Ho, there's a party over here, ho there's..."

Look, calm your butt down, ain't no party over here.

What you looking at?

I don't know this man. I... You thought I came here with him?

No, I didn't. You know him? He drive a what?

He play for who?

Party over here!

Woo, there's a party in this motherfucker!

Woo!

Woo! Shit. A'ight, okay,

peace out. I'm Angela Means. Thank you.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

Kid Capri and Angela Means.

[APPLAUSE]

Yo, my man in the house, I'd like to say what's up to him,

my partner Mark Breland. Wassup, Mark?

[APPLAUSE]

You know they want a white heavyweight champion bad, America?

They really do, man.

Fuck. "Tommy Morris. Let's go Tommy Morris."

Sorry, America, not gonna happen.

Long as a black man is outta work, it ain't gonna happen.

[APPLAUSE]

You got some brothers that'll beat your ass for $2 and a biscuit.

We gotsta have it this evening.

Hey, how you doing, white man? How you doing?

It's funny, I kid. And I'd like to say,

'cause people wonder, they say,

"Why the black guy always onto white people?"

There's very good white people out there, nice people.

A'ight. I don't mean to mess with y'all.

Y'all just very funny people, you know that though?

Like we're very nice to you tonight after this Rodney King shit.

We're very nice.

Y'all change your attitude around black people now but, yeah.

We're cool. We're not gonna mess with ya because we love ya.

'Cause y'all... White people panic when they see a whole lot of black people, though.

Like tonight, when they see us coming into their venues, they start,

"Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck! Is this Boyz n the Hood?

"What, what?

"Oh, honey, they're back!"

Like they... White people won't let you in a secure building,

you ever notice that?

Like they... If they don't have their key

to get in the secure building, they ask you,

"Excuse me, but... Hi, how you doing?

"I forgot my key, yeah.

"I live... Yeah. I live on the third... Yeah.

"Thank you. This is great. Thank you.

"I don't know what I was thinking about."

Let a black person forget their goddamn key.

"Excuse me, partner? Eh, read the sign!

"Read the fucking sign! Read the fucking sign!

"I'm sorry, I can't help ya. Love ya."

So we gonna unite though, right?

After this whole Rodney thing,

we gonna unite. We like this now.

A'ight. Moving on.

Come to the stage, I know you gonna enjoy him so yo, give it up.

Keep the energy going. From St. Louis,

give it up for Cedric the Entertainer.

[APPLAUSE]

Wassup?

I wrote that. How y'all doing? Man, I'm put this over here, man.

Check this out, man. Y'all like impressions?

Check this out, man.

Quick impression, man.

HECKLER: Hey, buddy, with the [INAUDIBLE] shoes!

From yo momma, Annie.

Everybody know this brother. "Yeah, lemme get a pack of Kools,

"and some cherry Now and Laters."

Or I could be that one brother that always get interviewed on the news

when something happen in a black neighborhood.

"Yeah, I seen what happened, I seen the whole thing.

"Me and my boy TO, we was out here chilling, you know.

"We out chilling. We had just bought a 40 ounce.

"Hey, T. Hey, T, don't drink the whole 40, man!

"No, dog, don't drink the whole 40. I'm doing an intervrew.

"I'm doing an intervrew.

"So anyway, these two... Two dudes went past,

"I was like, 'Damn, they gone like a mother,' right?

"And this lady, she came and she said, 'Help me, help me. Can you help me?'

"I said, "Damn, you got $5? 'Cause I gotsta get paid, you know what I'm saying?

"And I just happen to have on a brand new pair of Reebok pumps.

"So I reached down, pump, pump, pump me up!

"Psshhhh, calling." Or...

"I could be your junior high school lunchroom cafeteria lady.

"Ain't no mo' green bean.

"Just mash potato and corn."

Tripping, man.

Tripping, man.

A'ight.

Be traveling around, man.

Been down south. Man, y'all go down south?

They got some different white folks down there, man.

They got them good ol' boys.

Brothers talk like this here. [SQUEALS]

I met a dude named Hank.

Had that laugh like he'd been smoking

non-filtered Camels since he was about six.

[WHEEZING]

[SQUEALING]

I was lost. Don't ask no country people for directions, man.

I was lost. I'm like, "Hey, brother, you know, you know...

"I'm trying to get to Memphis."

"From here?"

"Uh, no, goober, from somewhere else."

Dude was a trip though, 'cause you know how white people are.

He was trying to make me feel comfortable.

You know how they are, when they all wanna say the right thing to you,

you know what I'm talking about? "You know what, Cedric? [LAUGHS]

"I like black people.

"Hell, I got a pair of black boots! [LAUGHS]

"I got a black pickup truck.

"I even got a colored TV!"

I was all like, "Damn. Bam! Now you got a black eye!"

A trip, man.

I'm Cedric the Entertainer, y'all. Holla, peace!

[APPLAUSE]

Yo, give it up for my man, Cedric the Entertainer.

You coming on stage now.

No, yes.

Hey, well...

Hey, I wanna thank you guys for joining us again on another Def Jam.

We had fun. Ladies and gentlemen.

My man who made it possible, hanging out with him.

My partner, Russell Simmons. Give him a round of applause.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

Thank you for coming out tonight, making history.

We'll be black next week. Peace!

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

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