Original subtitles

KID CAPRI: It's the Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

And now your host, Martin Lawrence!

[APPLAUSE]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

[MOUTHING]

We're back!

Yo, give my man a round of applause, Kid Capri!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

What's up, man?'Sup, G?

MARTIN: How you doin'?

[CHUCKLES]Give me somethin', man.

'Cause see, you know what? People don't really know how bad you are,

so hook somethin' up for me.

You know, Imma dance. Can I get a little lady to dance with me?

Can I get somebody to dance?[WOMEN CHEER]

Oh, oh, hold up. We'll talk after this.

KID CAPRI: All right.Uh, go ahead. Give me something.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

[CHUCKLES] You the man... 'Aight, give him a round!

Dude, the baddest...[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

I'm sorry.

I...

I felt white there for a minute.

Now, you wanted to come up here and dance with me,

but come here, come here. You come here. Yes. Yes!

Bring that motherfuckin'... Come here. Come here!

I'm sayin', come here!

You my sister, I love you. Come here!

I'm sayin' though. You... I'm sayin'.

I'm sayin'. This is my friend and now you're on television.

Now, what the fuck up? I know Big Bird outta business,

but what the fuck is that?[LAUGHTER]

You know you on TV now with this motherfucker?Uh-huh, yes I do.

Everybody gonna go, "Look, there go Big Bird, y'all, look at her!"

"Here she go!"

So, your son, you got a little son?Yes.

So, okay. So, what's your name?

Denise.Okay.

To Denise's son,

tell Mama don't wear this shit outside no more! I love you.

Thanks.Okay, baby.

[CHUCKLES] Right?

Y'all are going to stop wearing that shit to shows like this.

Thank y'all for coming out. We're here again.

Hi, Mr. White Man. How you doing?

Every chance I get, I kind of want to acknowledge a white person.

Especially after the riots. I just kind of want to...

I just kind of wanna say I have nothing against you.

And the people that have courage to come to this show.

We are going to rise as a motherfuckin' people, aren't we?

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

We will rise!

'Cause you know what's wild?

They try to make it seem like black people

doing all that stealing, lootin' and shit.

I ain't gonna lie, I got me some shit.

No! No, but it wasn't black people that was doing all that shit,

it was the Mexicans. They just didn't show that.

And the Mexicans didn't even know what the cause was about.

They just saw an opportunity to get some free shit.

Serious, a Mexican came up to me, "Yo, my friend.

"This is fucked up!

"This should never fuckin' happen!

"The way they beat Rodney Dangerfield was fucked up!

"This is fucked up!"

We gonna stop this shit, man.

'Cause white people I knew for years, man.

My agent, man, panicked.

You know, we gonna get justice...

My white agent come up to me... "Martin, listen, okay.

"I didn't know Rodney... I didn't know him."

"Come on, I love black people, come on!"

But that was... I was in LA when that shit happened.

That shit was nice though.

'Cause white people were very nice that night.

You're like, "No, no. Can I get over?" "Sure, go ahead!"

"All right."

"Love ya!" "Fuckin' love ya."

So, I'm just glad to be here again.

I want to welcome you guys that came out and...

Sorry, one's up there. You're late and...

But thank you for coming anyway.

So we got a great show. So y'all just put your shit,

fasten your seat belts 'cause, uh...

We gonna keep doin' this. So movin' on with the show.

This brother comin' to the stage is from Atlanta.

Young brother, very funny. I know you goin' to enjoy him.

He lives in California now, so he's doin' his thing out there.

Give it up for Chris Tucker!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

'Sup?

Pissed off, man.

Just got me a new place, man. Hate my neighbors, man.

I got neighbors that borrow shit all the time.

You ever had a neighbor that borrowed your shit...

And keep it so long, you have to borrow it back?

[LAUGHTER]

Like, "Dude, you got a broom I could borrow, man?"

"No, is you got my goddamn broom!"

That ain't all, man.

I got rats and roaches like Crips and Bloods in my house, man.

He crawl my shoes all the time.

I come home from work, I have to break up fights.

"Hey, y'all, let it go, let it go! It ain't worth it! Stop that shit, man!"

Man, they be answering my door.

Talkin' on my phone, won't click over.

People done told me they called. I ain't heard shit from 'em.

"That motherfucker don't live here! Chris who?"

My roaches smart too, man. They play dead.

The other day I stepped on one of 'em,

went in the bathroom to get some tissue,

came back, that nigga was gone!

[LAUGHTER]

I seen him two weeks later with some stitches.

Nigga told me he was too legit to quit.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND CHEERING]

Man, it's fucked up when you go in your cereal to get your prize,

them motherfucker's done already been in there and got it.

Trip, man. Whatever happened to pimps, man?

What if Michael Jackson was a pimp?

Shit would be... Him and Tito be riding around in a Cadillac and shit.

"Slow down, Tito.

"Slow down, Tito, damn!

"Is that my hoe over there, sittin' on the curb?

"Let me out.

"Come here, girl!

"I said, come here, girl!

"Where my money? How much you got?"

"Mike, I'm sorry. All I got is a $100 bill."

"Girl, you've been out here all day and all you got is a $100 bill?"

[SCREAMS]

"Who's been...

"I get out there and..." [EXCLAIMS]

It's fucked up, man!

Ain't nobody hirin' us, I'm serious.

I know what it is, man.

White people don't trust black people.

That's why they won't vote for no black president.

Like a black brother will fuck up the White House.

Like the grass won't be cut.

Dishes piled up, cousins runnin' through the White House.

Cookouts! Basketball goin' in the back.

Broken-down cars, all kinds of shit in their driveway.

Brother won't clean out the tub when he get out of it.

The president get pissed off, somebody done drunk up all the Kool-Aid.

Ain't a black president, man, he's too proud.

He ain't going to have no body guard.

A black president, he gonna have a gun.

Somebody try to fuck him over, he fuck them... "Hey, nigga!"

[IMITATES GUNSHOTS]

Like, "Damn! The president just fucked somebody up!

"Did you see that shit, man?"

My mom's threw me outta the house, man.

Do you ever notice when you're in high school, you your mama's baby?

But when you graduate, you that nigga walkin' around the house.

My daddy want me to leave all along, man.

Leavin' me little hints and shit.

Like leaving army brochures and shit on my pillow.

My mama do little shit like... She'll buy peanut butter, wouldn't buy the jelly.

Buy Kool-Aid, wouldn't buy sugar.

I'm like, "Mom, what the fuck is wrong with you?

"You know you can't make Kool-Aid without sugar."

Fuck them! You can't fuck no more in your mom's house neither.

It's a trip, man. 'Cause one time, man. I was handlin' business, right?

But I had to listen out for my mom.

So I told the girl, I say, "You gonna have to shut the fuck up

"'cause I gotta listen out for my mom."

I thought I heard somethin', "Shh."

[CROWD EXCLAIMING]

Mama don't come home till 6:00.

"That ain't her, keep on doin' what your doin'."

One time my mom's caught me, man!

It was fucked up. I was handlin' business, right?

I mean, I was on the floor, and the bed was shaking.

My mom said, "Chris, what you doin'?"

I said, "Nothin', Mama."

She said, "Come here, boy!"

I said, "Mama, I'm comin'."

Said, "Come here, boy!"

I said, "Mama, I'm comin'!"

"So, hurry up!" I said "I'm trying, if you shut the fuck up!"

Thank y'all, I'm Chris Tucker!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

[CHUCKLES] Yo, give another round of applause.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

Hey.

The boy is what? What is he, 20 years old?

Bad, young brother. Give... Oh, God damn.

Come here, boy.

[LAUGHING]

All right. Coming to the stage is my man.

We used to work out a lot in DC.

Yo, give it up, Kevin Anthony. Give it up.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

Y'all in a good mood!

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Yeah, I'm excited.

My woman just left me and she ain't gettin' paid shit either.

Some of you brothers probably can relate to this.

It's difficult livin' with some women

'cause they start talkin' shit about old boyfriend.

"My last boyfriend, when he lived here, he paid the rent,

"the telephone bill, the car note,

"bought some food and gave me some money to go out shoppin'."

I said, "Shit, we need to get his ass back here!

[LAUGHTER]

"What's his number, buy me some shit."

But the ladies of the '90s, you're doin' well for yourselves.

Give yourselves a round of applause, ladies!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

Yeah, you're intelligent, you're into aerobics, you liftin' weights.

Women into fashion, they've even invented names for their underwear.

Skinny women call them panties,

heavier women call them bloomers.

And big fat women, I guess they wrap a sheet around their ass and call it a day.

But women are very creative with their love makin'.

This one chick said, "Baby, have you ever had anybody hum on your balls?"

"No, but go for it."

She went... [HUMMING] "How you like that?"

I said, "You better hum another tune."

So she went for the beat box.

[BEATBOXING]

I said, "Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Express yourself!"

And I'm creative with my love makin'.

I like to do it doggy style.

And I don't care who you are,

if you're in front of a mirror, you gonna look.

'Cause I was gettin' busy one night, knockin' boots,

I'm talkin' rockin' that funky joint.

I look in the mirror and go...

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

And women just as vain as we are.

She was like this, "Back up a little bit, let me see!"

"Okay baby, no problem."

Women name their body parts like men name theirs, right?

I call mine's "The Beef Injector."

My mother called my father's "The Old Raisin."

Women name theirs too, right? What you call yours, baby?

You can't call it, is it dead?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I asked one chick that, I said, "What you call yours, baby?"

She said, "Terminator!"

I said, "That's some pussy you can keep."

"I'll be back."

But women's biggest problem with us is the orgasm.

'Cause they'll tell you, "You come too quick."

Shit, you come too late.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I've been here two weeks. I have a job.

And then when they get their orgasm,

they act like they've been electrocuted or some shit.

They do! You hit 'em with the wild thing, they like...

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

[MOANS]

And then we get sensitive. "Did you come?"

She said, "A little bit."

You guys been great! Love you, New York. Peace!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

That's for me? Oh, thank you. Bring it to me.

Come here, girl.

Gonna give me flowers. Thank you, baby.

Thank you. So we fuckin' later on then, right?

Thank you, babe. Thank you.

No one's ever gave me anything. Thank you!

From Elizabeth, New Jersey,

this is my man Alonzo 'Hamburger' Jones!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

[AUDIENCE SHOUTING]

Hamburger. How you folks feel like tonight?

Look at this big joker here.

You see him done with stand in front of a YMCA, talkin' about,

"Ooh, look, they done spelled Macy's wrong."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

Hamburger, I ain't gonna have it. Who else wanna play?

Happy Halloween, baby.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

Hamburger.

Check out my man here, Rico Suave.

Y'all lookin' good out here now.

Hamburger, y'all on. Look at that big round away girl.

Like it's been sittin' on a bus stop, suckin' on pork chops, hamburger.

Hamburger, you know I'm tellin' the truth.

Any Jehovah's Witnesses here?

Of course not. They home sleepin'

so they wake us up tomorrow morning.

Hamburger, don't get me wrong,

I love religion, I love religion.

I go to church whenever I can afford it.

I went to church last Sunday, had five collections.

You hear me, hamburger, five collections.

And that was just in the damn parking lot.

Get inside the church, they got a Mac machine in the lobby.

Take another two steps, usher sittin' there with a metal detector

runnin' up and down people.

I said, "What's the matter? You have a weapons problem in church?"

They said, "No, pastor just don't want nobody

"bringin' change into the church."

I said, "Hamburger, ain't this somethin'?"

And for all this money you spend,

you think they got the world's greatest service.

They got some old 90-year-old lady who can't read a lick.

Sittin' up there trying to read the announcements.

Sister Truit gonna come up there.

[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] "First, Eve was in the garden."

"Then Bishop Jones, pastor, members and friends."

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

"We, the members of the Baptist church

"would like to thank you for worshipin' with us this Sunday morning."

"And now for the annulments.

"Oh, I'm sorry, that's announcements.

"The junior choir will be out selling dinners. $600 each.

"Oh, Lord, I'm sorry. That's gonna be $6 each."

"And we like to thank back to the church,

"brother and sister Wilson, stand up please, brother and sister Wilson.

"Their newborn baby, looks just like Pastor Johnson, don't he?"

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Hamburger.

I remember one night, I took pork chop out

to see a Janet Jackson concert. Nice concert.

Had words coming across the screen.

First word came across, "bigotry."

Everybody in the place jumped up and said, "No!"

Next word came across. Man next to me says, "Hey, what's that word?"

I said, "Illiteracy."

[LAUGHTER]

"Oh, no."

And I wanna tell y'all one thing before I leave here.

Every time black folk come out with somethin', white folk gotta copy it.

Hamburger.

We came out with the Jacksons,

they came out with the Osmonds.

We came out with New Edition,

they came out with New Kids On The Block.

We came out with rap music, they came out with MC Hammer!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

Hamburger!

And no matter where I go, folks always say,

"Why you say, 'hamburger?' Why you say, 'hamburger?'"

I say, "Hamburger" 'cause I try not to curse.

Lemme hear everybody here say, "Hamburger."

AUDIENCE: Hamburger.

No, no. You say it with feeling. Say, "Hamburger!"

AUDIENCE: Hamburger!

Fellas, the next time you're in bed with your woman

and you get up that good when she start lookin' at you.

I want you to look her dead in the eye and say, "Hamburger."

[LAUGHTER]

And ladies, don't you feel left out 'cause, hamburger,

I got somethin' I want you to say, too.

When he stop callin' out your name and moanin' and groanin'

and askin', "Whose is it baby?

"Whose is it? Who's the best?"

You look 'em dead in the eye and say, "Hamburger!"

Hamburger! You folks been good, good night!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

Hamburger.

That's my man Alonzo. Give him a round of applause.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

[INDISTINCT]

[COUGHS] Girls, fuck that.

Don't you be sayin' "hamburger" when you with your man.

Say, "Martin Lawrence."

[LAUGHTER]

My, think. [CHUCKLES]

All right. Well, coming to the stage is my man,

he's been on this show before, on the Def Jam.

So yo. He's from Chicago, Illinois

and uh, stand like motherfuckin' coffee,

stand like motherfuckin' coffee.

Give it up for my man Bernie Mac!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

I ain't scared of you motherfuckers.

Imma tell you somethin' straight off the motherfuckin' press.

I ain't comin' from no foolishness.

And New York, God damn it. Y'all motherfuckin' women look good.

Y'all like a big... Look good.

'Cause I love sex. I love it.

Can't do shit no more. And I'm blessed.

[LAUGHTER]

I'm big boneded. I'm heavy structured. I'm hung low.

If I pulled my shit out, this whole room get dark.

Kick it!

[MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE CHEERING]

You don't understand.

I ain't scared of you motherfuckers!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

I love... I love sex, man. I love it by the pound.

I be glad when they put that shit in cans.

[LAUGHTER]

Can you imagine sex in cans? Motherfuckers be shopliftin' and shit.

[LAUGHTER]

Fools be playin' ball, man.

They know what you gettin' ready to do, man. "I'm tired.

"I'm gonna get me a six pack of pussy and I'm goin' in."

Kick it!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

You don't understand.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

I ain't scared of you motherfuckers!

Women just doin' their thing till they talk to you

any kind of way you wanna talk to somebody.

It don't make no motherfuckin' sense.

I'm at a bar, mindin' my business, coolin' out, just bein' cool.

Like I am. Chillin'.

Woman gonna come to me, then she gonna ask me

a goddamn thing she wanna do.

She said, "Mac." I said, "Yeah, that's my name."

Said, "Can I ask you a question?" I said, "Yeah."

She says, "Does pussy taste like pumpkin pie?"

[LAUGHTER]

Made me mad as hell. I said, "Don't ask me no damn question like that!

"I ain't never had no pumpkin pie."

Kick it!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

You don't understand.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

Tired of this shit!

I ain't scared of you motherfuckers!

When you make love to a black woman... Imma tell you how you do it.

You got to be good. I'm not talkin' about myself.

'Cause you know, fuckin' ain't nothin' but 50 pumps.

Count it if you ain't got nothin' to do.

[LAUGHTER]

It ain't nothin' but five minutes.

But the foreplay make it seem longer.

But you get a woman, a black woman, man, Imma tell you somethin'.

I don't care how meek that woman is, how soft-spoken she is.

If you give her the dick.

[LAUGHTER]

Whatever wrong with you, she gonna let you know.

You can have a patch on your eye, your leg could be broke.

If you get up there, she be like...

"Woo, shit! You patch eye motherfucker!"

"You broke leg son of a bitch!

"You know you in this motherfucker!" Kick it!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

You don't understand, God damn it!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

And you know what's funny when you make love to a woman?

And she on top. And the phone ring? That's some funny shit.

When she on the phone ring, man.

Every time she be on the phone be ringin'... "Ring... Ring."

You get cool and shit. "Ring." "Baby, don't answer."

"Ring." "I gotta answer."

"Ring." "Uh-uh, baby. Don't answer."

"Ring." "Uh-uh. It might be a job."

[LAUGHTER]

"Ring."

And every time, you know, she picks up the phone

and starts fiddle-faddlin' with, you know...

When she pick it up every time she start to talk,

give her the dick.

[LAUGHTER]

She'll be like, "H-h-hello?"

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

[STAMMERS] "What, what?"

"Oh, what I'm doin'?"

This is when you get, "What I'm doin'?" "Ooh, man!"

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

But I love my black peoples.

Imma tell you somethin', we gotta stop the violence.

We gotta vote. Stop the violence and vote.

'Cause I did a show in Chicago.

I mean that!

Stop this violence!

I was in Chicago. I did a show for Cook County Jail.

And you know, over 40 percent of the brothers in jail for nothin'.

And they had a little survey, little panel thing.

We got to ask them each a question, you know? So I asked them, I said...

"Hey my brother, what you in for?" He said, "Nothin.'"

Brothers got this thing about being a punk. What is a punk?

I never did understand that for the sake of my life.

He said, "Nothin.'" I said, "How long you in for?" He said, "Ever."

You know, it's a long time if you take the "for" off that motherfucker.

[LAUGHTER]

I said, "Man." I says, "So what you in for?" "I... You know, I ain't no punk."

"I didn't tell on my boy."

I said, "What? You in jail for another motherfucker?"

"No, you ain't no punk. You a new fool!"

'Cause I'll be damned if I serve time for any of you motherfuckers!

I'll be in court just like this...

[LAUGHTER]

Jump, like you'd... Y'all be like, "Punk.

"Your Honor, he killed that motherfucker.

"Shot him in the head four times, kicked him in the face.

"I tried to call you, but the line was busy."

I'm Bernie Mac. I'm outta here!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

Kick it! You can't, motherfucker!

Give Bernie... [CHUCKLES] Give him a round of applause! God damn!

Another one.

Bernie Mac. Bernie Mac.

Chicago, Illinois. Bernie Mac.

Yo, I want to thank all you guys for comin' out.

Let me holla at my partner who made it possible, Russell Simmons.

What do you gotta say?Thanks a lot, y'all.

God bless you and good night.

[MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

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