Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

KID CAPRI: It's the Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.

Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together

for my main man

Mr. Martin Lawrence.

Hey. Where my music, man?Count it off.

One, two...[DRUM BEATS]

One, two, nigga.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Yeah. Give my man Kid Capri a round of applause.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

I got a friend in the house I'd like to say hello to.

Spike Lee, what's up, man?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Oh, you cool now.

He like, "Peace."

Spike put me in my first movie, Do the Right Thing,man.

Motherfucker ain't employed me since.[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

What'd I do to you, man?

I'm just fucking with you, right?

I'm just fucking with you, man. [HIGH-PITCHED] You my boy.

That's my motherfucker!

No, I... You know I won't be in no more Spike Lee movies and shit.

"Spike, why I ain't in any of your movies?" "Fuck you."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

No, a black man doing it. Give him a round of applause, straight up.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

Make sure you go see X. Make sure you go see X.

'Cause that's us. Everybody go see it.

Oh, another partner in the house that I was...

We did a couple of shows together.

My man Aaron from Guy.

Wassup?

Wassup, Aaron?

And Damien. What's up, man, his brother.

Oh, y'all cool with that, yeah.

Wassup, audience? How y'all doing? And we are Guy.

Teddy couldn't be here tonight.

But, no, Aaron, you sing your ass off.

I want y'all to keep... Keep the energy going

because y'all are a live audience. I am so proud of you guys.

Fire!

Yo, coming to the stage is my man...

When I first started comedy, I used to... To watch this brother

'cause he used to be out there.

I mean, he was the headliner in D.C, and he's still headlining.

The boy is funny. Give it up for my partner, my man,

my buddy in crime, from Washington, D.C,

give it up for my man, Fat Doctor.

Hey, how y'all doing?

Everybody in a good mood?AUDIENCE: Yeah.

Yeah, I'm in a good mood, too.

I just finished eating, so I feel real good, boy.

Man, I got a big appetite, boy. I go out to eat,

I sit at the salad bar.[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Whole plate of croutons. "Man, get out the way, man. All you can eat, man."

I'm telling you, boy, I love to eat, man.

Woo, good-looking lady sitting up front, boy.

How you doing, girl? All right. What's your name?

SHARON: Sharon.Sharon.

You like fat guys?[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Yeah, baby, you looking good.

Boy, I mean, you know, it ain't long, but it's wide, baby.

[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

Yeah, I can get fixin' on a pickle jar, baby.

Bet you've never seen a penis with a double chin, have you?

Could make you happy, baby.

Man, I love the women, man. I'm telling you, man.

Better than being a fag, ain't it? I'm serious, man.

Not that I got anything against gay people, man.

Gay people losing they mind now, ain't they?

They are going crazy, man.

They sticking all kind of objects up their ass, can't get them out.

I mean chipmunks, monkeys, mice, gerbils, cattle.

Anything they can stick in their ass and can't get them out.

A friend of mine told me about this guy.

He came in the emergency room, right? He worked there, right?

And he had a vibrator caught in his ass,

and it was still running, right?

So... So the doctors, they were trying to get it out, right,

but it kept shocking them, right?

They... They were reaching in like this going, "Oh, Jesus.

"Okay, let's try this again.

"Oh, Jesus. I'm sorry, sir.

"We're going to have to let that run down before we can get it."

The fag turned around and went like this,

"Oh, my God. What a time for me to use Energizers."

'Cause they keep going and going.[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Two days later, still going.

Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man.

But y'all are a good-looking bunch of people.

You really are, man. You look good, man.

Nice looking ladies all over the place.

Thorough looking guys, man. I'm serious, man. You look good, man.

Treat them women good, man. You got to, man.

Got to treat them good even though they drive us crazy, don't they, guys?

I tell you, you're gonna have trouble any time

you don't make a woman have an orgasm. Isn't that true?

A woman will put up with anything that you do

as long as you making them cum, man.

That's right... That's right.

You can't get away with a damn thing

unless you make them have an orgasm.

And some women are not orgasmic.

Did you know that? That's right, some women are not orgasmic.

I see there's one right up front, I got.

She went, "Oh, my God, that's me."

And if a woman tell you that she ain't ever had an orgasm,

you know that's a challenge for us guys.

You know what you gonna have to do.

You gonna have to go down on her.

'Cause sometimes to get the gravy...

Hey, sometimes to get the gravy, you got to sop the plate.

Ain't nothing wrong with that.[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

And they love it, man. Don't let them fool you, they love it just as much...

But I'm gonna tell you. If you go down on a woman woman ain't never had an

orgasm, you better have some oxygen with you, jack.

'Cause when she get that orgasm,

she get super-human strength like the Hulk, man.

You know, you be down there, right? You know, you be down there,

you be having a good time, right. [SPEAKS GIBBERISH]

And then all of a sudden you hear that noise, "Argh."

"Hey... Hey, what was that?"

"Argh." "Hey." [GROWLS]

"Hey, wait a minute. Wait a fucking minute.

"I can't fucking breathe."

And you trying to turn your head around like this.

She got the back of your head, boom, boom, boom, boom.

So you're gonna need a shampoo afterwards,

but it's well worth the effort.

Hey, y'all been great. I'm the Fat Doctor.

I'll see y'all next time. Good night.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Man,

I'd like to acknowledge someone else

that's in the house that... I love her.

You know, she's one of the baddest women vocalists out there, Alyson Williams.

And she's tall, oh... You like, oh.

Is that your man sitting next to you?WILLIAMS: Yes.

MARTIN: Damn... [MUMBLES]KID CAPRI: Hey, yo, Martin.

What?KID CAPRI: I see Big Daddy Kane over there.

Where? Where is Big Daddy Kane?

KID CAPRI: All the way over there.

Where? Hey!

It's Kane... Smooth operator.

You a smooth boy, man.

Love you, man. Yo, I'd like to acknowledge...

Man, we just got everybody in the house and I just want to acknowledge them.

My man, Matty Rich. Wassup?[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

And Rocky Carroll from Roc. What's up, man?

Oh, and Olivia. Hi. How you doing?

Yeah, oh that's you? Rocky's with Olivia now?

Let me give you the gossip.

Well, you made the right choice, 'cause God damn!

You... Hey, brother, you don't mind me saying, she's... You are fine.

I mean, I could never leave you, and he ain't going nowhere, too.

And I know it's good. God damn, I know it's good.[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Is that what a TV series do for you, man?

God... No, I'm joking.

Okay, no, look, these next brothers,

y'all, they're from Houston, Texas.

Now they live in New York, so they one of yours.

Boom, they one of yours 'cause they black anyway.

Yo, give it up for Arceneax and Mitchell.[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

All right... All right. Wassup? Wassup?

We watch a lot of TV, you know?

And I think you can tell when you're addicted to television.

That's when you're up at 2:30 in the morning.

Watching Spanish soap operas.

You know you don't speak Spanish.

But you sitting there like you can understand this shit, right?

[MIMICS REMOTE CLICK]

[SPEAKS SPANISH]

[SPEAKS SPANISH]

Yeah, that's right, Maria. You tell him... Tell him.

[SPEAKS SPANISH]

Tell him you ain't taking that shit no more.

[SPEAKS SPANISH]Tell him to kiss your ass.

[SPEAKS SPANISH]

Yes! Yes!

So you up, you just flipping.

Oh, and by the way, I'm not only the hair club president...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Hi. Does your car sound like this?[MIMICS FLAT TIRE]

If it does, then your tire is on flat.

However, if it sounds like this...[MIMICS HORSE WHINNYING]

[MIMICKING VARIOUS ANIMALS]

Well then, you've probably got an asshole doing your sound effects.

But it don't make no never mind.

I want you to bring it on in to me and let me fix it.

You know, people come up to me all the time and they say,

"Bubba, do you think you can fix my truck?"

And I just stare at them, 'cause my name ain't Bubba.[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

It's Zack and I own Zack's Car Repair

where my motto is,

"if I can't fix it, you better take the son of a bitch back

"where you got it from, 'cause it's broke. Thank you."

[HIGH-PITCHED] Whoo, and welcome back

to the program, ladies and gentlemen.

Now, for those of you who are just joining us,

we were talking about oral sex.

Yes, well, hoo-hoo![AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And we know that this is sexual gratification...[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Received chiefly from the mouth parts, yes, well, hoo-hoo.

But what we shall do now is go to the phones

and answer any questions you may have

pertaining to oral sex.

[ARCENEAX MIMICS TELEPHONE]

Hello, you're on the air.ARCENEAX: Hello, Dr. Ruth.

Yes.ARCENEAX: How the hell are you doing,

you pretty little ole' filly you.Oh, I'm sure...

ARCENEAX: Oh, I sure do like you, woman.

I just wanted to let you know that.

Thank you very much.Boy you got lips on you...

Well.ARCENEAX: I bet you can suck a marble through a straw.

Woo!

Oh, let me ask you a question, sir.ARCENEAX: What do you want?

What is your name?

Let me tell you, ma'am. My name's Buck.Buck. I see.

I drive a truck...Woo!

And I love to...Oh, listen Buck.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Buck, we are on the air so there are some things that we cannot say, you know.

ARCENEAX: Well I wasn't really paying no attention to that.

But I tell you what...ARCENEAX: I like you, though.

I tell you what, Buck. You sound like you're a man

who's very sexually active. Yes, you do.

Well I'm gonna tell you something about that.Uh-huh.

I'm so doggone sexually active,

that sometimes I screw myself.

Woo, masturbation!You ought to see me do it.

Well I wouldn't want to see you do that, Buck.

Got that Vaseline in one hand...

Oh, no! Listen... Listen...

Listen, I tell you what, Buck. I don't care what you screw,

just as long as you use contraceptives. Okay? Okay.

I sure do like the way you roll your tongue, woman. You know that?

Well thank you, Buck. It's...

You know what I'd like to get you to do for me?Oh, what is that, Buck?

I'd love to get you to roll your tongue crossing my balls.

[MUMBLES]Oh! Buck... Buck... Buck... Buck... Buck...

Buck, please, please.There ain't no need...

Buck, I'm...I'll grab you by your ankles and make a wish.

Whoo! Oh, listen...listen.You think I won't?

Listen, I tell you what, Buck.

I tell you what, Buck. We're out of time.Hey! Hey! Hey!

God damn, I'll treat you like a postage stamp.

Listen Buck, listen. I told you we were out of time.

I'll lick you...Hello?

...stick you...Hello?

...and send you on your goddamn way.

Whoo! Thank you. We're out of here.[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Yo, comin' to the stage,

give it up for my man, Reynaldo Rey.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Thank you.

I'm the token old person on this goddamn show.

It was hard for me to get here 'cause it's hell leaving a freak party.

You know what I'm saying?

And I just left Rick James' house.[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And Rick go to smoking that shit and turn cowboy on you.

Want to brand your ass.

All the freaks were at Rick's party.

A bunch of freaks. Reverend Swaggart was there.[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

We got all kind of succulent, tantalizing, vivacious,

scrumptious hunks of feminine pulchritude,

and he brings a two-dollar whore.

All these pretty women, he can't wait to take up

the collection to run out there and grab a whore.

And brought her to Rick James' freak party.

Pee-wee Herman was there.[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

They introduced me to Pee-wee, but I didn't shake his hand.

Mike Tyson was there. You know he was at the freak party.

God damn, shit, Mike just running around just feeling ass.

[GROWLS][AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Let's be realistic.

It's rough to leave a freak party. I'm a freak,

and, gentlemen, if you're not a freak, keep your lady from around me.

I was with a married woman the other night, married 22 years.

Her husband never freaked her.

Never put his face in the place.

God damn it, I did.

She went home and stabbed that man 58 times.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND LAUGHING]

Thank you very much!

Reynaldo Rey. Give him a round of applause.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

All right, fasten your seat belts

'cause this is my man.

Man, this brother work out in California all the time at the comedy clubs,

yo, trying to make our way, and we're doing it. The boy is hilarious.

He's from Kansas. Give it up for my man, Eddie Griffin.

Wassup in the house?

I ain't gonna talk about Magic Johnson,

'cause I think Magic's a hell of a man to come on TV and say what he had to say.

He got a lot of heart.[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

You know what I'm saying? And did it with a smile on his face.

"I feel good. I feel good. Life goes on. I'm going to beat this."

Because if that had been me, I'd a came on,

"Y'all looking at a dead man.

"I got five, six years, tops.

"I'm robbing banks, I'm assassinating the president,

"I ain't got shit to lose."[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

'Cause '91 was a trip. '91 was the year everybody went crazy.

Police lost they motherfucking minds.

I know y'all seen the Rodney King beating. Came on every night,

turned into a TV series.[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"Let's watch the Rodney King beating tonight,

"7:30, 8:30, 9:30. We're whipping his ass just for you."

And they fucked the brother up.

And now that it's getting ready to go to trial,

the police can come on TV. "We're not guilty."

Stevie Wonder can see these motherfuckers are guilty.

But that's all right, 'cause the brother getting paid.

He getting a million dollars for every blow...

Fifty-six million dollars.[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I'm looking to get fucked up.

I'm doing 300 miles an hour in a Volkswagen

yelling out the window, "Fuck the police!

"Fuck all you bashin' motherfuckers!

"Come over here, whoop my ass, give me my cash."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

If I know I'm getting a million dollars for every blow,

I will grab their billy club and fuck my own shit up.

Then you had Clarence Thomas and Anita Hill.

Black-on-black crime at the highest level.

And I think both of them was telling the truth

'cause Clarence had pinched so many asses,

he just forgot about that one.

'Cause you know Clarence pinched that ass.

He married to a white woman, no ass at home.[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

He showed up at the job scene, that big, fat, black juicy ass.

Pow!

"Welcome to the job, baby. You ever seen Long Dong Silver?"

Yeah. And the real hypocrites was the senators.

Your biggest crooks in the world up there trying to jail somebody,

especially Ted Kennedy's ass.

Rapist, murderer, drive-by shooting, you name it, he done it.

And every time they ask him a question,

"I yield to Senator Kassebaum.

"Just don't bring up none of my shit. She's right over there."

Shit. And I found out that a lot of our nation's great forefathers

were heavy cocaine users.

Like Alexander Graham Bell,

that's how he got his middle name, "gram."[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

He like to buy it by the gram.

'Cause you got to be totally high and out your mind

to come up with a concept like telephone sitting at home.

"I wish I could talk to somebody ain't even here."[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

[SHOUTING] "Hello? Hello?"

And you know Ben Franklin was fucked up.

He went out in a lightning storm with a kite.

Need I say more?

And Michael Jackson's got his new album out.

The stuff Teddy did on there is slamming. The rest of that...

Uh...

I think Michael's on crack.

Myself.

Anybody that will fuck they face up like that on purpose,

he doing something.

I bet ya Michael's at home, Michael's like...

[SNIFFS]

Ooh![AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[SNIFFS]

[AUDIENCE CONTINUES CHEERING]

[SNIFFS]

Ho!

Good night, y'all.

[AUDIENCE CHANTING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Eddie Griffin... Eddie Griffin. Give it up one more time.

I would... Well, Russell...

This is a special night 'cause Mia Duke's in the house. Y'all give her a hand.

It's been flavorful. Thank you.

Yo.God bless you. We'll see you.

Before we go...No, no, no. Before we go, we thanked a lot of

celebrities that came here tonight.

Most of all, we want to thank you,

because you made it possible. Thank you. Peace.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING][MUSIC PLAYING]

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