Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

KID CAPRI: It's the Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.

Put your hands together for my main man, Mr. Martin Lawrence.

Thank you,

and welcome to the Def Comedy Jam

where we present the baddest comics from all over. Wassup?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Hey, Sam Bowie. What's up, man?

Hey, give him a round of applause from the New Jersey Nets.

How tall are you?

7'1".

Mookie from the New Jersey Nets.

You got that look on your face, Mookie, like, "Don't fuck with me, man."

No, that's nice. Y'all makin' millions of dollars, huh?

Damn, 7'1".

You've been playin' ball all your life, right?

So you don't know nothin' else.

No, that ain't right. I'm sayin' you ain't never like been at McDonald's,

"Hi, could I take your order?" You never none of that shit.

Just ball, that's just hoop. That's cool.

I wouldn't want you to be no big ass 7'2" maintenance man. I'm like...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I mean, you know.

So I'm glad you playin' ball, man.

You a big boy, man. You a big boy, my man.

Look at the ladies. [IN SHRILL VOICE] Hey, girlfriend!

How you doin'?

Now, the boots.

Can we get a shot of these?

What the fuck were you thinkin' about?[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

No, see, I gotta be real, you know?

That shit don't match.

AUDIENCE: Oh!

Blue jeans, my ass.

No, it's like... No, you just look like,

"Oh, this will go with the blue jeans." No.

I want to work with you, but, no.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I'm sorry.

I gotta be real. I'm just playin', I'm just playin'.

She embarrassed now.

You in show business? Then get your feet off my goddamn stage.

I'm just...

Now I want that boot. Every time I come on stage,

I want that motherfucker laid out like this

to remind me of what not to do.

Hey!

Now you hear me talkin' about her boots.

That motherfuckin' hat don't go with that goddamn jacket.

Damn it, man. When are we goin' to learn?

You thought I... All right, don't mess with him.

But I'm just sayin', brother knew that shit when he left the house.

"Oh, motherfucker. I don't care. Shit."

Hi, white people in the back. Hi.[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Didn't see you guys.

You know you motherfuckers don't match.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[AUDIENCE HOOTING]

I was just playin'. I was just playin'.

Welcome. Thank you for comin' out,

havin' the courage. Thank you.

I know they lookin' at that TV like, "Fuck.

"Who is the nigger, huh?[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Why can't we get him banned?

"Fuckin' HBO

"lettin' anybody on. Fuck.

"Fuck this freedom of speech shit."

All right, comin' to the stage

from Detroit, Michigan. I know you goin' to enjoy him,

so give it up for Tommy Chunn.

Wassup? Wassup? How y'all feel?

A'ite, a'ite. Def Jam'sjammin'.

Motherfuckers in house... [GARBLING]

[CONTINUES] You ever talk to a motherfucker talked to you like that?

[GARBLED SPEECH] "What the fuck is happenin', motherfucker?

"No, motherfucker, I'm talkin' to you.

"You ain't talkin' to me. Well, fuck that then!"

Yeah, but this is live Def Jam,y'all.

I love rap. I know you... Y'all like rap? Yeah.

Yeah, I love rap, man. But I like them new rappers

they got on the scene now, them reggae rappers,

'cause these mothers don't need words, you know. They just use sound

and the last word at the end of the sentence explain what the fuck they said.

They break out... [VOCALIZING]

♪ I want a pretty girl to suck my dick

[VOCALIZING][AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

♪ I want to bust that big, fat ass [VOCALIZING]

♪ Ride her, I said ride her not a Budget truck but a Ryder ♪

Those fuckers be doin' that shit too, yeah.

But I be trippin' out on rappers the way they names are,

you know, because they have like one word

and one letter acronym syllable shit, you know.

Like Ice Cube, Ice-T, Vanilla Ice, Dog Nuts,

all them motherfuckers, right?

But I love Ice Cube's music.

The only thing I don't understand is his name don't coincide

with how he look, 'cause with a name like Ice Cube,

this motherfucker look hot.

I mean he got on this wool skull cap

and this gang flannel shirt buttoned up to his collar,

talkin' about how to survive in South Central.

I'm like, "Get a tank top, motherfucker."[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"Cool off. South Central, that's the desert, motherfucker."

That's why they be so mad when they fightin'. They be hot.

They're all, "I'm about to fuck somebody up, man.

"If the temperature go up one more degrees,

"I'm goin' to fuck somebody up. Call the weatherman.

"It's 102? Fuck it. Drive-by."

I'm gonna be, "Just calm down, you know."

Yeah, man, but motherfuckers in LA are a trip, man,

because, you know, I was out in LA about a year ago,

and these brothers tried to rob me. But when they robbed me,

they was usin' local LA slang,

so I didn't know I was bein' robbed

'cause I didn't know what the fuck was goin' on.

So, right, check it out. They usin' this term called "jack," right?

And like, they have carjackings in Detroit,

but "jack" don't only mean you're gettin' your car taken,

it mean you gettin' fucked up any kind of way.

Like, you know what I'm sayin'?

Like you spendin' more than $10 for that hat, my brother,

you got jacked. It's a jack, right?[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

But check it out. So I'm on the phone...

Check it out. I'm on the phone talkin' to my woman in Detroit.

"How you doin', baby?" Yeah, you know.

So it's like 3:00 in the mornin'.

I know I shouldn't have been out there, y'all,

but I wanted to catch her before she went to work at 6:00.

So I'm like, "How you doin', baby? I love you."

All of a sudden, these three brothers rode up on me in this red Ford Fiesta.

Scared the shit out of me. Like... [IMITATES TIRES SCREECHING]

"Yo, my man.

"What you got on it?"

"What?"[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"I said what you got on it?" I'm like, "On it? On what?

"You mean on the phone? Well, that's my woman. Why, you want to talk to her?"

He was like, "No, motherfucker.

"This is a jack!"

I said, "A jack?"[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"What, you got a flat or somethin', motherfucker?

"Them is Pirellis, dog,

"What you need? I left my car at the house. I'm walkin'."

He's like, "No, my man. You don't see what I'm sayin'.

"This is a jack."

I'm goin', "Damn, Jack, my man. I swear I don't know you,

"but this is a Tom. Wassup?"[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

He was like, "No, dog nuts. You don't see what the fuck I mean.

"This is a jack, now come out with your shit."

Now, at this point, y'all, I am so confused,

I don't know whether to pull my dick out

or move my bowels.

"This is a jack? Shit.

"What?"

And these lazy LA Compton motherfuckers never got out of the car.

They are robbin' me from the street.[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"What the fuck is this? A LA valet robbery, motherfuckers?"

"No, like that's the jack rule. You know that.

"If it's a jack, you bring the shit over here, you motherfucker.

"You must be from Detroit."

I'm thinkin' to myself, "Yeah, you right, motherfucker.

"I am from Detroit. You have to beat me down and take my shit, all right?

"Now, you motherfuckers get the fuck on out of here

"before you end up bein' jack-in-the-box. All right?"

Thank you very much. I'm Tommy Chunn.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[KID CAPRI PLAYING TURNTABLE]

Yo, comin' to the stage is my man, it's my partner.

He's from Washington, D.C.

And, yo, the boy's workin' all over.

I would tell you the show he's on, but I forgot.

No, but this is my man. Yo, give it up for Tony Woods.

New York, wassup? Wassup? Man, I love New York.

This is all right, man.

This is the best place in the fuckin' country to party at.

I got into a fight today though, man, on the subway.

That was fucked-up. Sat down on the train next to this lady

and she had like an earring in her nose.

Okay, well she didn't have an earring in.

She had like the earring hole in her nose.

And, obviously, she had a nasty head cold.

[AUDIENCE GROANING]

That's the same thing I was thinkin'.

You know, 'cause she had to sneeze and I saw her winding up,

but I couldn't move because the shit was all tight.

And she went...

And I was like, "Oh, shit. This bitch is gonna sneeze, man."

And she went...

Tried to cover her nose, went, "Ah-choo!"

And a fuckin' booger shot right out of that nose hole, man,

right on my shirt. I said, "Hey!

"Hey! Hey!"

'Cause you know, she had the Walkman shit on.

And she looked over. You know, she was a little embarrassed.

She tried to apologize, but she still had her finger in the place where she talked.

She said, "Oh, I'm sorry," And a big bubble...

So I punched her in her stomach.[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

She won't do that shit again.

Everybody on the train looked at me like, "Oh, man." I was like, "Fuck y'all."

And the transit policeman came in there.

"Hey! You punch that lady in the stomach?"

And I got kind of scared.

I said, "Man, that bitch put a booger on me."

And instead of him sayin', "I'm goin' to write you a ticket,

"I'm goin' to arrest you," he says, "I'm gonna kick your ass."

I said, "Huh?" he said, "I'm gonna kick your ass."

So I stood up, because I was gonna run...[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

But I looked at him, you know, and I said to myself,

"I can probably take this motherfucker."

You know, not that he was smaller than me or nothin',

but he was handicapped.[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Oh, no, he wasn't in no wheelchair or nothin' like that.

He just had like one of them little baby arms.

You ever seen someone with a little baby...

I felt kind of sorry for him. I said, "You sure you want to fight me?"

And he went...

I went, "Oh, shit."

Now I got to tell you, I can handle myself pretty good,

but he was cheatin', you know, because he was

doin' shit with that little arm.

You know, like...

And I look, he go...

He was windin' my shit up.

I said, "What am I goin' to do?"

So I had to rush him, man. When I rushed him,

he swung real hard with the long arm and I ducked down.

He went, "Boom."

Hit me right in the head with that little arm. Man, that hurt.

Felt like somebody hit me in the head with a turkey leg or somethin'.

My head was bleedin', I had a booger on my shirt.

Oh, man. Y'all know y'all goin' to hell

for laughin' at that joke, right?

Oh... Ooh. Y'all feel that? It must be...

I thought it was the wind or somethin'. Uh-oh, I was thinkin' about my girl.

Well, like my old girl. You know how you, you know.

I broke up with her but I mean, you think about her sometimes...

"Oh. Woo! Lord!"[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I got to find that girl number.

Oh, man, I mean, and we would like, do it

and it would always kick in after about two minutes.

[SCREAMING] Start screamin' and shit...

That's the best pussy I ever had!

Man, one day I left her house

and her next door neighbor came out and said,

"Shorty, you was workin' that, boy.

"I heard her screamin'."

"That was me."[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I went over there one day after I had all this Mexican food

and I found out why the booty was so good, man.

I went over there and we was doin' it just like always.

Two minutes came...

[SCREAMING] That's great! That's the best pussy I ever had in my life!

And she said, "Oh, talk to me, daddy."

I said, "I got to fart."[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

She said, "Do what you got to do."

[MIMICS FLATULENCE][AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

And somethin' said... [MIMICS CAT MEOWING]

And the cat scratched my ass.

See, what it was the cat had been behind me lickin' my balls.

That feels so good, man.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND HOOTING]

I said, "Girl, your booty ain't no good. I'm leavin' you.

"Give me this goddamn cat."

God bless y'all. My name is Tony Woods.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Yo, Tony, man, I want to hook up with that cat, man.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Damn. Only on HBO.

Yo, comin' to the stage, she's from my hometown. Again, Washington, D.C.

She's a funny woman. She was in a movie with me,

Talkin' Dirty After Dark. Y'all didn't see that shit,

but give it up for Robin Montague.

Hello, Manhattan.

It's good to be back in Manhattan.

Whoo! All right. Wait a minute now. I've been married one year.

I don't have no kids 'cause I'm scared,

'cause that shit looks like it's painful. You know what I mean?

No, the shit look like it hurts from what I've seen of it, hear.

I've got a low tolerance for pain.

I can't even brush my teeth without cryin'.

I'm serious. I just have to use Wite-Out and shit.

It's just like, "Fuck it. I gotta paint this shit on."

I... That shit hurt. You know what I mean?

Whoo! A'ite.

Wait a minute. Speakin' of Wite-Out, y'all see Michael Jackson?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Honey, he not black, he not white, he blank.

I guess it don't fuckin' matter, you know.

The whole Jackson family weird, ain't they? They just weird.

Let me tell you somethin'. The Addams Family ain't got shit on them motherfuckers.

Fuck that... [HUMMING] Fuck.

Uh-uh, they crazy. Randy beatin' his wife.

La Toya crazy. She crazy! Where is she...

Look, look. Come on, her father rape her.

Okay, I don't know if she lyin'.

She wear so much makeup, I can't see her facial features.

Just packed on... Just caked on.

I know burn victims wearin' less makeup than that girl.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

And she had to write a scandalous book, didn't she,

'cause she ain't got no talent. What else she gonna do?

Come on, now. You gonna pay $35 to see La Toya, you know

Janet comin' next week?

And she's a ho.

Fuck that. She's a ho. I said it.

Posin' for Playboy and shit.

If she didn't have no breast exposed,

she wouldn't make a dime, would she?

God damn it, you see Tito ain't got no titties.

We ain't heard from him in years.

They crazy.

You can't talk about the Jacksons without thinkin' about Diana Ross,

can you though? You... God damn it, what she did to Michael,

I don't know. I got to put this here...

I love it when they give me somethin' hard and black to work with.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Oh! I forgot where the fuck I was.

Look, y'all. Wait. That damn Diana Ross

love to perform, don't she? You ever see her?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

[MOUTHING INAUDIBLY]

[MIMICS DIANA ROSS] Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you very, very, very, very much.

Thank you so much.

Thank you. I'd just like to say

that I know that you know.

And I know that you know I know

you know that I know and you know I know.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Diana, we love you.

I don't know. They probably gonna look at this show,

Diana and them are goin', "What has this world come to?"

Michael, what's up, man? Michael Jackson.

Not you, motherfucker. I'm talkin' to Michael.

What's up, Michael Jackson? Yo, man. I understood when you tore up that car, man.

A lot of shit, balls built up. I know, man. I know, man.

A lot of pressure on you, Mike.

Stay black, Mike. Peace.

Give it up for my man, James Stephens III.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I thought I'd open up with some Prince.

He went, "Psych!"

I'm serious, man. Why is it when we talk about homosexuality,

why do we always talk about men?

There's females that are gay.

Of course, if I came home and my wife was in bed

with another woman, I'd say, "Move over."

You with me, fellas? Yeah, that's right.

I figure it's a waste of a good woman myself.

Of course, I'd find myself takin' my wife out a little bit more often goin',

"Hey, the one in the red..."[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"Go ahead, buy her a drink."

How many people got southern relatives? You got southern relatives?

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

I was raised in LA all my life and it was really weird.

I just went back to visit my southern relatives. Man, it was weird.

They took me to one of those black fire-and-brimstone Baptist churches.

The guy, he freaked the shit out of me, man.

I'm sittin' there, all of a sudden he jumped from behind the pulpit, went,

"Hah! A long time ago, hah, Paul told John, hah."

And the congregation responded, "Yeah!"

Started to freak me out. Looked at me, goes, "Hah!"

Then he started to pray.

He started to sound like James Brown,

"Hah! I'm in the hole. Hah!

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

"In the hole and the hole and the high.

"In Jesus' name."

I'm startin' to sweat like a pig and hot as shit up here.

Ever hear people say stupid sayings like, "Sweatin' like a pig," and "hot as shit?"

Ever looked in a pigpen and saw a pig in there goin',

"Damn, it's hot as shit in here.

"I gotta pee like a Russian racehorse."

Here's my favorite. "Sick as a dog."

Ever been sittin' up at 3:00, 4:00 a.m. in the mornin',

your dog come out of the bathroom?

"Indigestion. I think it was the Alpo

"'cause I'm sweatin' like a pig and hot as shit."

And speakin' of pigs, down south, man, those people eat pigs all the time.

Hot sauce on everythin'. Walk into my grandma's house,

"You can put your shoes in there. That'll be good, honey."

I walked into a convenience store, there was a sign on the wall sayin',

"Pickled pork lips sold here." Who eat this shit?

Somewhere in New Orleans there some pigs walkin' around goin',

"Where the fuck are my lips?

"Told me this was just a taste test."

They have pig's feet in a jar. Pig's feet!

Pigs are walkin' around New Orleans like this,

"Yo, man, they got Tyrone tied up to a tree.

"Hope you don't come back out to get knuckle sandwich."

Thank you very much, man. Thank you.

Hey, man. You had me bring out that stool. You ain't use it, man.

James Stephens. Give him another round of applause.

I don't work for you, James.

Okay, y'all, we want to thank y'all for comin' out tonight.

I want to bring out who made it possible, my man, Russell Simmons.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

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